Why ‘Too Hot To Handle’ Is Going To Be The Next ‘Love Is Blind’

As we enter into yet another week of our never-ending stay-at-home order, we rely on a few comforts to help get us through the uncertainty and terror of this time. Napping at all hours of the day? Definitely. Eating every single snack we just bought at the grocery store that was supposed to last us two weeks? Of course! Dressing our dog up like the Queen of England and pretending we’re at high tea? Who among us hasn’t?! But, most importantly, we rely on Netflix to continuously drop the most absurd shows (Hi, Tiger King! Hi, Love is Blind!) that allow us to forget for just a little while that we are actually living in a game of Jumanji. And Netflix is coming through for us yet again on Friday, April 17th, when they drop their next reality dating show, Too Hot to Handle. They just released the trailer, and it looks like exactly the amount of trash we all need in our lives right now (which is Britney-in-a-gas-station-bathroom-without-her-shoes level of trash). So, let’s take a look at the trailer, break it down, and talk about why Too Hot To Handle is most definitely going to be a worthy successor to our last reality obsession, Love is Blind.

I’m going to leave the trailer for you right here, please watch it, take copious notes, and then come back to me to discuss.

There sure is a lot to unpack, so let’s go over the basics. Too Hot to Handle features 10 hot singles on an island in bikinis, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol out of Solo cups, and in a competition for $100,000. Seems pretty easy, right? But of course, there is a twist, because Netflix is nothing if not a sick bastard. A cone shaped robot named Lana tells the contestants that in order to win the money, they have to abstain from sexual activity. I shrieked. These people literally arrived on the island slathered in their favorite lube, and they aren’t allowed to have sex?! Have you seen anything sadder in your whole life?

What the contestants thought the island was going to be like:

What it’s actually like:

After the robot drops its bombshell, the contestants slowly remove their penises from whatever hole they had immediately stuck them in, and proceed to lose their minds. This seems like it’s going to be fun! Well for me, at least—the raging hormones disguised as people stuck on this sexless island seem a little less enthused.

So what else is notable about the trailer, I mean, other than the fact that one dude is obviously going to f*ck a fish? Well, a lot of these people appear to be British, which makes me wonder if they think Americans are not garbage enough for this show? If so, I’d like to point them in the direction of a brilliant piece of art known as Are You The One? for proof that you can most certainly peel some of us off a sticky linoleum floor in Jacksonville and convince us to humiliate ourselves on TV for a small amount of money and a can of Axe Body Spray. Something to consider for next season! It’s also cute that one of the women thinks that because of the format, “maybe more can come from this.” Adorable. I think it means he’s just going to bang you when you get home and then ghost you, but it’s nice to have dreams! 

We also see someone saying “I don’t want to break the rules,” and then a montage of a LOT of rule breaking. So I think it is safe to say that even though hooking up isn’t allowed, there will be a bunch of people claiming that they didn’t mean to, they just fell and somehow it slipped in! That can’t count, right? Lana would never take away money for such an innocent accident, would she?

If anything is clear from watching this trailer, though, it’s that Too Hot To Handle is the OBVIOUS successor to Love is Blind, and might even improve upon its predecessor. First of all, they’ve replaced Nick and Vanessa Lachey with a talking triangle with some pretty blue lights, and it delivers lines better than they ever did. Sorry Lacheys, no more free vacations for you. You’ll have to do sponsored Instagram ads pimping out your children like the rest of the C-listers if you want a summer vacay!

There also appears to be way more partying on Too Hot To Handle, which I’m thankful for. I was a little tired of watching only Jessica get sloshed in every episode of Love is Blind

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Lemme get a lil taste . . . . #Follow @loveisblindtv for more #LoveIsBlind memes 😂 #loveisblindmemes #loveisblindnetflix #lol

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Okay fine, I wasn’t, that was pure gold, but I want to see ALL the contestants bring shame on their families by drinking too much pinot grigio and hitting on someone else’s man. And finally, Too Hot To Handle has a similar premise to Love is Blind. Robot Lana explains to the contestants, much more eloquently than Nick ever did, that the reason they can’t have sex is so they gain deeper connections with one another. I’m not sure why this “deep connection” thing is the hill Netflix is willing to die on in 2020, but most likely because it’s making them a sh*t ton of cash and not because they care about people forming successful relationships built on love and respect, right?

I have to admit, I’m excited for this one. And not just because I think it’s going to end with the robot slaughtering all the contestants and taking over the island to breed little Lanas that will eventually conquer the world. But because we all watched Love is Blind, and now in real life we’re stuck dating in isolation pods, so if we all watch Too Hot To Handle, at least we’ll be stuck on an island after this, even if we must be abstinent. CAN’T WAIT!

Images: giphy (3); loveisblindtv/Instagram; Netflix

A Breakdown Of Everyone Competing On ‘Are You The One?’ Season 8

After every season of Are You The One?, I think to myself while laughing maniacally, “I may have just eaten an entire large pizza all by myself, but at least I have my life together more than these Girls Gone Wild rejects,” followed quickly by, “SURELY they’re never going to renew this live-action dumpster fire again, will they?” And then every season I. AM. WRONG. Not about the pizza, of course, but definitely about the show getting renewed. Year after year, MTV continues to prove to me that they do not care one bit about ratings, critics, or decency standards, and keep on making a show where contestants regularly lick chocolate syrup off each other’s nipples. Not all heroes wear capes. And now, MTV is breaking barriers with season 8 of their drunk social experiment “dating show” by casting the first sexually fluid reality dating competition in the United States. Damn, MTV is over here making history, and ABC still refuses to cast the first black Bachelor. Ball’s in your court, Mike Fleiss!

So what does having a sexually fluid cast mean? I’m not quite sure, but I think it’s fair to assume that instead of just the men and women sneaking off together to the bare mattresses haphazardly thrown on the floor by an MTV intern, everybody will be f*cking. And now we get to take a look at this groundbreaking cast! I’m sure they’ll make history in more ways that just their sexuality—perhaps they will also be the first reality TV cast to all share the same STD. Or maybe they will cure cancer! Who can say? (They won’t cure cancer.)

Aasha Wells, 22

Aasha is from Miami Beach and just graduated with a degree in Communication and Journalism from Florida International University. She wants to be a TV journalist, so I really hope she doesn’t engage in a threesome in the boom boom room because that will probably hurt her chances of becoming a Today Show anchor. Not exactly something you want on your sizzle reel.

Amber Martinez, 23

Amber is cute, but I swear I’ve seen this girl on every single previous season of Are You The One?. Her name was definitely Kayla last time. And Alivia. And Cam. And Jenna. And you get the point.

Basit Shittu, 25

Now that I’ve sent Basit’s picture to my coworker for Mermaid Parade inspo, I can confidently say that Basit is the one everyone will go to for outfits when they throw the theme parties. Having a jungle party? He’s got something for that. Having a Beyoncé party? He’s got something for that. Having a ’90s party? He’s got something for that!!

Brandon Davis, 25

Brandon’s official cast photo is cute, but I have many, many questions about this photo I found on his Instagram: 

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? | seems like I’m always chosen, by romantics that are hopeless | ❤️ ____________________________________________ ?:// @shotbymichaelscottt

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Me after listening to “Old Town Road” one time. No but actually, I’m calling the police.

Danny Prikazsky, 27

So Danny is clearly the nerd of the group. But he did post a picture of an entire box of donuts on Instagram that he was rewarding himself with for hitting a weight loss goal, so I think we have the same disordered eating habits. Now I’m rooting for him. Danny, I hope you find love for all of us f*cked up eaters!

Jasmine Olson, 21

Jasmine revealed on Instagram that she’ll be on this season of Are You The One? by saying “I wasn’t out getting botox, friends!” I’m sure once your friends see that your perfect match is a dude or lady that works at a mall kiosk and has rage issues, they’re gonna wish you were just getting botox.

Jenna Brown, 25

Jenna looks like she wants to shove me into a locker. No problem, Jenna! I see you coming, I’ll just jump in here myself! Same place, same time, tomorrow?

Jonathan Monroe, 28

Okay news flash, Jonathan—you’re not Tarzan. You’re not even George of the Jungle. Get a f*cking haircut.

Justinavery Palm, 24

Justin is one of the many men from this season who has posted pics of himself on Instagram with a purse. They are clearly the accessory of this Are You The One? season. Well, purses or leather chokers, it could go either way.

Kai Wes, 26

Kai Wes looks like one of Edward Cullen’s cousins that showed up at the end of the series to take on that rival vampire gang. You’re about eight years too late, Kai! They already won!

Kari Snow, 23

Kari is a “Harley Cosplayer.” Oh, honey. Getting dressed up in a shirt that says “Daddy’s Little Monster” and paddling someone on the ass with a baseball bat to spice up your sex life doesn’t qualify as cosplay. But it does apparently earn you nearly 35k Instagram followers, so maybe she knows something I don’t.

Kylie Smith, 24

Kylie looks like a model, so she’s definitely the one everyone will be fighting over. Or at least the one they’re fighting to do a body shot off of.

Max Gentile, 25

Judging from his Instagram, Max appears to be very into the rave scene, which makes me think his personality has to be the stuff of my nightmares. He’s definitely the guy who took one for the team and smuggled the drugs through airport security.

Nour Fraij, 25

Nour is yet another Jersey girl in this cast. What is it with my home state and trashy reality TV? I promise you it’s not a law that we have to degrade ourselves on a Z-list show at least once before we hit 30. Or is it? Do I have a bench warrant out for my arrest?

Paige Cole, 21

Paige looks like someone who would lecture me for using a plastic straw. If you’re that against them, Paige, please don’t look in my top desk drawer. I’ve got enough straws wipe out all the sea turtles in the Atlantic. Whoops!

Remy Duran, 27

Remy is wearing a mesh T-shirt with a silver chain necklace, so that’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.

And those are our contestants this year! I’m skeptical that this will work, but excited to see it all go down in flames. Are You The One? season 8 airs on June 26th at 9/8 central. See you there!

Images: MTV (17), officialbrandondavis / Instagram

Chad Johnson Talks His New Show & Being Done With ‘Bachelor’ Girls

Christmas came a little early this year people because the new season of MTV’s Ex on the Beach premiers TONIGHT at 8pm ET and it’s about to be more lit than my Aunt Alice at Christmas dinner. If you’re new to the show then I’m here to publicly shame you here’s the premise: a bunch of unsuspecting singles show up to get trashed on a beach for a few weeks because that’s the broken world we live in and is apparently the only way we can meet anyone these days. The “unsuspecting singles” are all former reality dating rejects (think some of your favorites from The Bachelorette, Are You The One?, Big Brother, and more) who just “want to find love” and a new Instagram branding partnership. Just when they start to open up to someone and prove that they’re not the emotionally stunted circus animals we’ve come to know and love, surprise! The craziest ex MTV’s budget could track down shows up to literally and metaphorically take a blowtorch to whatever scraps of happiness they’ve managed to find. It’s like what I do on a Saturday night, but these people are actually getting paid for it. Fun!

And in honor of the premiere, we spoke with the man, the myth, the meathead Chad Johnson from ABC’s The Bachelorette because—brace yourselves, betches—he’s back on reality TV and DATING AGAIN. God help us all. In the interview we talked about his return to TV with Ex on a Beach, which Bachelor girls are sliding into his DMs, and if he’s still using meats as a coping mechanism. So, let’s see what he had to say!

So we all watched you on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor in Paradise. Did you always want to be on reality TV?
No, not really. It was never so much a plan of mine. I mean I had acted and modeled before, back in 2006, and so I kind of always had it in the back of my mind. I always thought that I would end up having done something from becoming really, really, really wealthy off of some business move and I then I would just be some crazy personality of some rich guy living out in LA or something and I’d get known that way. I didn’t know that it would be through reality TV before I made my millions, you know what I mean?

Yeah, so I’m guessing you never thought you’d find love on reality TV then?
Right, no. Um, that all came about because I had just got done taking care of my mom who had passed away from cancer and reality TV came about because that was the first time I really had the opportunity to date since I had been taking care of her. You know, she had just recently passed away right before I started filming The Bachelorette.

Speaking of The Bachelorette, I know you took a little break from reality dating after Bachelor in Paradise, but now you’re back! So tell us about your new show, Ex on the Beach.
Ex on the Beach was super fun. It’s a totally different world than being on The Bachelor. It’s wild, it’s crazy, but I loved the realness of it and I loved the realness of the people. I made some awesome friends. I mean, even with my friends I had some crazy fights. So you’ll see that for sure.

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Ex On The Beach is coming, just a little over a week away. Tune in Thursday December 20th on MTV (5pm pst, 7pm central, 8pm eastern time) #exonthebeach #eotb

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So, wait, how did you not know that your ex would end up on the beach? Like, how did they get you out there?
Yeah, I had no idea. The way I thought it was supposed to go was, I was just told that it was going to be an untitled dating project. So I thought, “okay, it’s something where I’m gonna be having drinks on a beach somewhere at a mansion, hanging out, and maybe just hooking up and having fun.” And then, they dropped the ex bomb on us, and from there we knew that they had done some research on us. You know, they must have found some way to track down the girls I’d been dating over the last couple years after the shows.

Is JoJo one of the exes who will show up? Please say yes.
Ha. JoJo is not one of the exes. I haven’t talked to that girl since the reunion actually.

What about Lace?
No, no. Nah, I’m done with Bachelor girls. If I want to date a Miss America pageant girl I’ll go to a Miss America pageant. Or I’ll just get on my Instagram DMs.

So who do you have your eye on this season?
So, I mean this season I tried to basically be open to anything. The first day, every girl was good looking so I talked to every girl there. I think you can kind of quickly tell who’s cool and who’s really not. The first few hours there it’s like you don’t want to hit on anybody because you want to figure out whether anybody’s cool or not.

So, like, I talked to Farrah and quickly realized that I, uh, did not want to talk to Farrah. Then I talked to Morgan, and I’ve navigated those waters before. A pretty blonde, white chick is easy for me to get to know her, what to say and do, and it’s just kind of typical for me. That’s what I know and that’s what was easiest at the time, to do what you know. So, like, if you eat chicken every day and then you go to an unfamiliar place then you’re gonna eat chicken.

So I talked to her and then I talked to Nicole—she was beautiful. I knew she was gonna take a little bit more work to get to know because she’s more closed off in terms of initially meeting people and I could tell that. So I knew I wanted to get to know her a little bit but I knew it would take more time.

So let’s get to the drama because I’m a messy bitch and live for that sh*t. You’ve mentioned flirting with Farrah and a few other girls, and I watched the trailer and it looks like you’re already playing two girls. Can you give us any hookup details?
Um I mean you’ll just to watch. So some stuff happens and I think it’s pretty abrupt and I think you’ll see that when you watch it. It’s drama and it’s messy, but it’s messy in a very, like, “Oh sh*t! Okay!” type of way.  

So would you say you’ve changed your ways after your Bachelor days or are you back on your bullsh*t?
Am I back on my bullsh*t? Uh, I mean, ever since The Bachelor, I’m older now. It’s been like two and a half, three years, and I’m in a different head space now, you know? My mother didn’t just pass away. I’m not in that angry, grieving stage like I was. I went through a period of three years just dating a lot, you know? So I’m not really in that stage anymore.

I think the show did actually help me learn a bit about myself. I learned to take people’s emotions seriously whereas, you know, before I was just hopping around from Instagram girl to Instagram girl for the last few years. And I think I actually grew with the show and now I’m just focused on my businesses—my health and fitness company, my podcast—and then maybe I’m dating somebody. So you’ll just have to wait and see that on the show.

So speaking of the show, what else can we expect from you this season? You talked about hooking up, but will there be any more fights? Or any bromances over meat?
Oh there’s definitely some meat involved. I think I punted some meat, I stole some meat, so, ah, that was fun. The ex girlfriend situation was unpredictable and that ex comes in and she’s not quite who I thought she was so that’s kind of interesting. There was a lot of fights, there was a lot of arguing but it was, like, in good fun. Even when people were mad we were still having fun, you know what I mean? Everybody was always fighting and I didn’t understand what they were fighting about because 99 percent of their fights were so stupid and, like, petty so I would just run in and just watch and laugh and try and figure out what dumb sh*t they were fighting over now.

So you are back on your bullsh*t, you just weren’t the instigator this time.
Nah. See that’s my thing I’m never the instigator. I’m a reactor. You know you mess with me, sure, I’ll mess with you back. You come at me, I’ll come at you back harder. In this show it didn’t happen to me too much where people were really coming at me. I mean, don’t get me wrong—there were some instances where people do come at me wrong, and I come at them, but for the most part it wasn’t like The Bachelor where every day I’m being attacked by people. And where I feel like I’m fighting for my life basically.    

Interesting. So is there any other tea you can spill for us?
Just be on the watch for Nicole’s, ahem, untapped crazy. 

And lastly—and most importantly—what is your favorite meat?
I’m gonna have to say, like, steak. I mean, I eat chicken every day but a good steak at the end of every week has got to be the best. Hard to find in a deli meat, but by far the most delicious.

So I guess some things never change. Well we can’t wait to see you bring the drama this season.
Yeah, but I think people are gonna see a different side of me and they’ll see that really I’m, like, a lighthearted, fun guy who does have emotions. I’m not an angry jerk. I think it’ll be a lot of laughs and a lot of fun and people will get to see a totally different side of me than they’ve ever seen before.

So there you have it, people, Hell has frozen over The Chad has changed! Don’t forget, Ex on the Beach premiers tonight on MTV at 8pm ET, but you can also catch Chad recapping and talking sh*t after each episode on his new podcast “Chad’s World”. 

Images: Giphy (1); @realchadjohnson /Instagram (1)

‘Are You The One?’ Reunion Recap: Zak is Canceled

Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what happened immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect matches systematically rip each other to bits by using their biggest insecurities against them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that way, this sounds like a blast. Shall we dive right in?

Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t need to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh*t about the show and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!  

As the perfect matches walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and girl it was money WELL SPENT. And it appears all of our contestants time traveled back to 2001, got their outfits at Wet Seal, and were told the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”

Right off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right after they got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you put any effort into this casting at all.

Papa T to Shamoy:

Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why prepare for your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the toilet?

The cast is asked who the most surprising match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suck his d*ck all season. Sure, Jan.

And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only find one intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which actually sounds about right.

We return from the commercial break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.

Tomas and Cali announce that they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect match and he looks like a total nerd tonight. I preferred him with the sunburn.

Terry sets his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost control of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.

Now the whole cast is saying that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and making fun of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t think.

I’m glad to see everyone is drinking out of Solo cups during the commercial break. I feel like MTV thinks these people are like cars, and they won’t perform unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.

Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their way to the hot seat. Kenya made a flattering color change to her hair, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.

Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.

Terry:

You guys, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s giving Tyra a run for her money. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”

And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might remember her from last season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, they are all sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twin babies that fly.

A refresher:

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Holaaa????????????????????????????

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This is Diandra. (Also, you’re welcome for finding this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning just to piss me off). Perhaps you should picture her with whipped cream in her mouth though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, just spray it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your girlfriend won’t cut off your balls. Just a suggestion!!

Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and only convinces me more that Papa T will be a very caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and stupid job.

Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.

We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was spiteful and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at sex. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.

Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown men with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a personal problem, I know.

Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.

Asia:

Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the same.  

Now they’re taking questions from the audience. God, TERRENCE. You really just rolled out of bed and came to do this show, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this recap I just copied and pasted tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up—can I do that? Editor?

Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she handled this because if someone said that to me I would turn my apartment into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my bed again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.

Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are shown clips of the whole Cam/Kayla saga in case anyone sustained brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14-year-old girl filling out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely people, one definitely on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.

Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the show thought he was a disgusting troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also notice that he got a haircut and looks fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!

Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/Cam fight. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misunderstanding because in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” but in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to mean “to have intercourse,” so why not throw another word into my lexicon?

Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But seriously, can I hire a research company or something to crunch some numbers for me? How many people get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their money responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last answer is zero.

Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more pleasant?

Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the couch and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that got crossed this season, but maybe that’s just me.

Morgan says that Zak treated her terribly but at least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent some of her winnings on a dictionary.

YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the show, Zak sent Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and convinced her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much faith in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve never been less shocked about something in my life.

Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s a kind, kind man who wants me to have as much material as possible with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He hooked up with Geles from last season, and with Nilsa! One of my girls from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the hot concrete. You foolish, foolish girl.

And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t think I’ve hooked up with this many people in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ time. And turns out he did the same thing to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just spend all his winnings on flying girls out to Texas and then ripping their hearts out with his bare hands?

Okay so Shanley shows up and tells us that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.

Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to scare her.

Me RN:

Okay Sam and Bria are kind of defending him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies reading this right now, NO. Do not defend a dude who threatened to release revenge porn of another woman! Who cares that he didn’t actually have it! (Which I don’t believe anyways.) I honestly can’t even think of something mean enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a creative way to say he’s worse than the trash floating in the suspicious puddle I saw on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I think Nutsa would agree.

Now Terry gives Zak the chance to talk because we’re all just DYING to hear this manipulative prick explain why HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to release revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he will ever change.

(Joey, I’m sorry I compared you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging.)

On the commercial break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Seriously MTV, if I see him on a show again I will at the very least send your office multiple glitter bombs. Try cleaning that up, assholes.

We have finally made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:

And that’s all folks! This was all fun and games until someone threatened to release revenge porn, huh? I hope you all enjoyed the drama as much as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone never give up on love!

Images: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram

‘Are You The One?’ Finale Recap: Saucy Seven Comes To An End

Well friends, we’re back for the last Are You The One of the year! I thought the finale would be last week, what with how time works and everything, but I guess MTV skipped Halloween because they know their audience and figured everyone would be blacking out while dressed as slutty nuns. So that’s how we find ourselves here today! It’s been so long since the last episode I had to reread my last recap to remember what happened. Still funny.

Let’s do a brief recap here: Men are trash, the gang sucks at this game, everybody’s a drunk, and Nutsa and Brett are headed into the truth booth. So, shall we dive right in? I’m confident they will utterly f*ck this up on the edge of my seat waiting to see what will happen!

We pick up with Brett and his peach Nutsa as they head into the truth booth. Naturally they are nervous because they’re basically the last hope with a million dollars on the line. And they’re a perfect match! Congrats you two crazy kids, you finally got something right! I’m excited for you to have one night of celebratory passion and break up a week after returning home. Enjoy it while it lasts!

The crew starts chanting “Saucy Seven!” and did we agree this was what we were calling this season? Because I was thinking more of like “Sloshed Seven,” but sure. I’m gonna be super nice and let them have this one since they’re for sure about to lose a large chunk of change.

Lol okay guys it’s morning and Cali just casually strolls up to Andrew and asks him the most awkward af question.

Cali: Are you not a sexual person?

Andrew: I love sex. I have a red room of pain. I’m a dominant. Banana.

Me thinks thou doth protest too much. OMG this is so cringey. Y’all know when a guy says they’re into 50 Shades of Grey stuff that they got that from reading the book in their mom’s basement and have never had sex, right?

The guys are sitting around talking about who their perfect matches are. Zak says, “I think it’s for sure Morgan. Or if not it’s Cali. Or maybe that piece of cardboard over there. Who can say.”

With Zak still in the room, Cam speaks for all Americans and the majority of Martians when he says that if he was a girl he would never get in a relationship with Zak because he is the worst person to ever try to date. PREACH. Can some rich billionaire just pay Cam to follow Zak around and warn off every girl for the rest of his life? I’m sure it would be a tax write off because that’s charity for all the single women in the world.

The group decides to do a speed dating sesh because after like 10 weeks of living together they don’t know anything about each other. That’s what happens when you blackout every night dummies! Drink responsibly! Oh wait, they’re drinking now. Good luck remembering this sh*t when it comes time for the last matchup ceremony.

During Bria and Cam’s speed date she says God is really important to her. And Bria is really important to God. Because he really loves sending people to hell. Bria also tells Cam that she agrees with some of Trump’s policies and he immediately gets hard. Oh boy.

They have now come up with some sort of plan that I don’t understand, and frankly neither do they. Everyone is trying to pressure Sam into picking Lewis, but she’s standing by her sweaty man.

Asia knows that Sam won’t pick Lewis during the matching ceremony so she comes up with an evil plot. She wants to start a rumor that Daniel kissed Cali, forcing a huge fight and making Sam pick Lewis at the matching ceremony. TBH I love this. Asia has been kind of a bully this season but I admire scheming as much as the next girl.

Asia starts the rumor by running to innocent little Kayla and tells her that Danny kissed Cali at the party and of course Kayla is SCANDALIZED. And now they get perfectly sweet Moe involved, who valiantly volunteers as tribute to tell Sam. Damn, Asia knows what she is doing. These two adorable dummies were the perfect marks.

Moe pulls Sam aside and tells her that about the rumor going around and suggests she pick Lewis at the matchup ceremony. So wait, did he actually know about the evil plan? Because that wasn’t subtle.

And it’s already time for the matchup ceremony! But there’s still like 30 minutes left? Dear God how long will they make us wait between beams? The dudes show up looking dapper af. Kidding, they’re in ripped skinny jeans. I would like to say that the girls make up for it but Sam’s in a Victoria’s Secret bargain bucket bra, soooooooooo.

Papa T comes out and can barely contain his joy as he announces that this is the final matchup ceremony. Soon he can check out of the Motel 6 that MTV put him up in and return home to his quiet existence not dealing with this nonsense.

Papa T reminds us we already have the three “perfect” matches, Maria & Shamoy, Tevin & Kenya, and now Brett & Nutsa. And now it’s time to f*ck up eternally! Let’s do this.

Cali picks Andrew. Okurrrrrr.

Kayla picks Moe. I hope these two innocent sweethearts make it. I really do.

Morgan picks Zak. Papa T can’t help himself and asks our resident philanderer if he feels bad about what he put Morgan through. He says he does. Lol, K.

Sam gets called up. She says her heart is leading her to Daniel and his overactive sweat glands, but strategy is leading her to Lewis and his occasionally funny jokes. Even though she basically says the heart wants what it wants, she ends up picking Lewis. I guess the heart really wants MONEY.

Jasmine picks Daniel. She describes him as sweet and says he loves taking care of others, and she didn’t once mention how much he sweats so consider me a believer.

Lauren chooses Kwasi. She says she is (B)ad (B)ossy and (C)lassy so since she’s BBC she needs a dude with a BBC. I wish I were dead. Kenya’s face rn is all of us.

Kwasi likes Lauren because his mom is a teacher and so is she. I’M SORRY. A girl that just said she likes BBC on TV is teaching the youth of America. WE ARE DOOMED. This is even worse than when I see my teacher friends make grammatical errors on Facebook.

Asia picks Tomas.

Bria and Cam are the last two. Tevin appears v concerned and is whispering feverishly to Kenya. Dude. Same.

Papa T: Tevin and Kenya what do you think?

Tevin & Kenya

And now it is time for the beams!! Prepare yourselves for 15 minutes of waiting for flood lights to turn on! God this is so stressful, my tummy hurts. The crew screams for the first beam like they just won the World Series for the first time in 108 years. You guys have no chill. Then they get five beams for the first time all season! I forgot how bad at this they were. Six beams! Seven beams! Papa T thinks they are all getting too excited. He uses his best monotone to convey that this don’t impress him much. Eight beams! Nine beams! Brett is so nervous he has Nutsa in a headlock. I have lived ten million lives since the ninth beam. Time is meaningless. Time is Jeremy Bearimy. What is HAPPENING. Ten beams! Eleven beams!

WHAT. This was definitely rigged but fine. Have your celebration with your confetti and your alcohol and your unprotected sex. I will be conducting a FULL investigation.

Lewis is as surprised as I am. YEAH LEWIS THAT’S BECAUSE BRIA THREATENED THE PRODUCERS.

Papa T is so proud of them, he’s not evicting them from the house immediately after the ceremony, which is what usually happens. He’s giving them one final night to “turn up” and “connect with their perfect match.” Oh they’ll be connecting all right, Terry.

They head back to the house and I am #blessed that I get to recap one final sh*tshow.

Daniel and Samantha waste no time and immediately bring their love into the confessional for us all to see, Cali and Andrew take their decidedly NOT 50 Shades-esque love making to the floor mattresses, and Maria finally breaks free of her perfect match prison to flirt with Kwasi on the ping pong table.

Later in the night, Lewis comes into the confessional to tell us all that he and Asia “enjoyed each other’s company.” They just “had a pillow fight.” LOL sure. Why does everyone on this show use euphemisms? We know you had sex. Roll the tape!

We make it to the morning and Zak and Morgan are having a tense conversation. Zak says that having Morgan be his perfect match makes him look like an ass. No sweetie, you make you look like an ass. He apologizes and says he ruined it. Don’t pretend you’re sorry Zak, we all know you’re just trying to get laid one last time before you leave.

Nutsa saying goodbye to her friends: “I love you and remember don’t say one more mean thing about yourself or I will come into your dreams and haunt you.”

Oh Nutsa. I’ll miss you most of all.

And that’s all, friends! I hope you all loved this season as much as I did! (what, did I seem like I didn’t or something?). I hope our gang enjoys their money, and that they remember the taxes are a b*tch!

Images: MTV (2); Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Some People Just Don’t Like Peaches

Hello and welcome back to the few of you that have stuck around this long! Since it’s the penultimate episode (I pray), here’s a quick refresher of what’s happened so far this season in case you’ve been blacking out during the episodes: two couples have found their perfect match, Bria has put a curse on any girl who thought about Zak, Zak continues to bang anything in front of him, no one else knows what they’re doing, and I had a better chance at winning Mega Millions than they do of figuring this out in two weeks. Oh yeah, and last week we ended with Kwasi having a meltdown in the lap of a producer/bunny rabbit. Let’s begin!

It seems Kwasi survived, because we open on the morning, everyone tucked into their floor mattresses snug as a bug in a rug. Bria says that Jasmine kissing Cam “set Kwasi back a few steps.” By that does she mean he became a violent psychopath over one minor indiscretion? Because then I’d have to agree. Meanwhile, Kwasi has decided he’s done with Jasmine, and that Nutsa is really his match. While I don’t blame him for being into Nutsa, God’s gift to Are You The One, does he really think that after last night’s absolute emotional and physical meltdown she’s gonna be into it?

Outside, Andrew has pulled Cali aside because he’s actually trying hard to make new connections, but is still not trying hard enough with his sunscreen application. They seem to like each other fine, but I guess we’ll really know how much Cali likes him if she grinds on him at the next luau.

Then Brett pulls Bria aside, I guess because he’s always wondered what it would be like to have his liver cut out with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. Our poor, precious Nutsa is watching from afar, wondering what she did wrong. Nothing, Nutsa! You are perfect just as you are!

Inside, Daniel tells Sam he doesn’t think they are a perfect match because he has exes just like her. I’m sorry Daniel, but did you not see that Kenya’s perfect match and her ex were actually identical twins separated as babies, sent to live with different parents, only to discover each other’s existence years later at summer camp? So I don’t think you can rule anyone out just because they’re like your ex. MTV is not working that hard, bro.

Brett tells Nutsa he’s going to sit with Bria at the match up ceremony “not because she’s ahead,” but to switch it up.

It’s time for the match-up ceremony, so the boys have pulled out their best skinny jeans and they’re ready to start picking.

It’s at this point that Maria, who has not been in the house since like WEEK 2, decides to call out the random couples. Um hi, but do you even know what’s going on in the house? Aren’t you busy plotting ways to get away from Shamoy by now? And then OF COURSE, Zak takes it upon himself to call out the “double standard” that he claims makes him out to be a villain, but when Jasmine kisses someone else on a date she’s just “playing the game.” Well first of all, how dare you. Second of all, you did that like 80 times this season Zak so it’s just a weeee bit different. And third of all, Ted Bundy also claimed he was unfairly accused and we all know how that ended. Look, I’m not saying Zak reminds me of one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, but I’m not not saying that, ya know?

AND THEN Zak says, “Kwasi just thinks Nutsa’s the better version of Jasmine.” Because he hasn’t made enough girls in this house cry yet. You’ve got one more week Zak, can you collect them all?!

It’s at this point Papa T and his floral shirt tells the gang he is disappointed in everyone beefing with each other, but after seeing their faces fall, he reminds them that they can still win! All they need is a little encouragement and to cheat as much as humanly possible. (Okay that last part was me).

It’s time for the beams. Let’s see if these dummies can light it up! Lol and they can light it up but only dimly, because once again they only get four beams. When they don’t win this million dollars, can MTV throw me some of their leftover cash? I think I deserve it for watching this entire dumpster fire of a season.

Back at the house, people are not pleased.

Kwasi and Andrew rn:

Yes, that’s the way to find your perfect match. Terrify everyone so much that they don’t want to be near you.

After the rage portion of the evening has passed, our gang gets in a kumbaya circle and starts talking about everything that’s wrong with them. Hi guys! I’ve been doing that for you all season! Y’all should’ve learned to read and then I could have really saved you a lot of trouble.

Okay actually this circle is a little bit sad, and I don’t appreciate MTV serving me this realness rn. It’s not as fun to mock someone when you know they were abused as a child. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, PRODUCERS. Brb, I’m about to go do some emotional eating about other people’s problems. Who knew I was so empathetic?

Papa T shows up overjoyed that he’s almost made it to the end of his time introducing a big red button to a group of 20-something alcoholics. It’s time to figure out who’s going on the dates. This week, fate has decided to send Moe, Brett, Nutsa, and Lauren on a date so magically Hawaiian, it will be a real authentic experience they could have nowhere else.

Oh wait, they’re going jet skiing. I’m concerned for Nutsa’s safety, and rightfully so since she injures herself almost immediately. Like the f*ckboy gentleman he is, Brett gives her a ride on his jet ski. Not a euphemism.

During the hangout portion of the date, Brett promises Nutsa that he’s not going to hold back anymore. So now I’m obviously convinced they’re not a match. Anyone wanna bet?

Back at the house, the crew reconvenes to find out who is going in the truth booth. Papa T tells them “time is officially beginning to run out,” which is also what my OBGYN says to me everytime I visit her and it leaves me totally not stressed at all. Not even a little bit panicked. Completely fine. So I’m sure our gang feels the same.

And the crew has voted Brett and Nutsa into the truth booth! Jasmine says if they’re not a match it will really make her lose faith in that million dollars. Oh honey, you should have lost faith in that money the second Zak walked in the door, swinging his d*ck at anything that was remotely human-shaped. That’s on you.

And once again, we’re left on a cliff hanger! It’s like MTV is DARING ME to burn down their headquarters in a white rage. Next week is it you guys, so we’ll find out if Brett and Nutsa are a match, and if the whole damn crew can manage to come up with their perfect matches with money on the line. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and the hellmouth will finally swallow them up. See you all next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: No One Has Any Idea What They’re Doing

Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!

We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.

Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?

In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.

All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.

The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.

In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.

Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.

And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.

The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.

Cali during this whole interaction:

After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?

And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.

In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.

Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.

Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!

Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.

Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.

They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!

The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.

And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!

Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”
Me: 

After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER.  He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.

Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: Giphy (3)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: I Know Where You Live

All right people, we’re back at it for another week! And by back at it, I mean our gang of lovable losers is blacking out and hooking up, and I’m trying not to get any potato chips on my computer. Thus far I’ve been successful, but the keys are greasy. Let’s begin!

Oh yes!! The “previously on” segment reminds me that we were left hanging last week. We’re waiting to see if the strategy devised by a girl who called Brett by the name of Zak for an entire argument worked. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of faith.

And the gang gets four beams! Which means that Cali’s strategy did actually kind of work. But it also proved that she picked the wrong person as her perfect match, so I stand by my earlier statement that implied she was a dummy. So let’s break down what this actually tells us: Cam and Kayla are not a match, and Cali and Tomas are not a match. And Tevin and Kenya might still be. I’m not sure what else it tells us, though, because I guess I’m a dummy too.

Kenya and Tevin are feeling real smug about this outcome right now, and it’s making them about 900% more annoying than they usually are. Fun!

Cam and Kayla go outside to figure out what this means for them. They are sad. Cam says he told Kayla things he never told anyone else, and I’m betting it’s definitely about what happened in the basement during rush. They decide they’re going to stay together as a couple but also play this game. So like, what does that mean? Can he get a blowie or nah?

Back inside, Morgan is pissed at Zak. He promises not to kiss other people anymore. LOL his promises are worth about as much as Morgan’s hair extensions. 

Outside, Cali and Tomas are talking about how they’re not a match. Here’s how it goes.

Tomas: I’m so sad I don’t know how I can carry on
Cali: 

Kwasi, Daniel, and Lewis decide to pull Moe aside and tell him he needs to start stepping up and looking for his match. Okay, but collectively between these guys, we have one that’s hooked up with Samantha and one that got his d*ck sucked by Kenya and THAT’S IT. So we’re not really talking to the love experts over here. Moe decides he’ll pursue Kayla, and I’m already worried for him because she’s over in the corner, breasts being peppered with kisses from Cam, undeterred by the fact they’re not a match. Sweet, sweet Moe. I fear you’re about to get your heart broken.

Sam sets up a scavenger hunt for Daniel and it’s flashing me back to my sorority days when I would show up at chapter, make fun of everyone, and then not participate in dumbass activities like these! Enjoy, Daniel!

Daniel is getting a little thrown off since the cameraman is following him. Yes, Daniel. That’s what’s been happening for the last few weeks, ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?! How much has he been drinking? This scavenger hunt shockingly leads Daniel to the bedroom where Sam is waiting for him, dressed as a dominatrix who is attracted to sweaty, smelly men.

Papa T shows up, so you know what time it is. No, not time for a stern lecture about getting their grades up, but time for fate to f*ck some more sh*t up. Fate chooses Tevin and Kwasi and to everyone’s SURPRISE, Kenya and Morgan. How LUCKY! She always lands on the couples they want! If this is how fate works, I’m taking her to Vegas and treating her to the penny slots. Mama needs a new car!

Papa T announces that they will be ATV’ing for the date but then announces a surprise that he’s throwing the crew A PARTY! Wait, was this not a party all along? Was this a medical conference? Why do they pretend that something they do every night is special? Oh I’m sorry, now that I see them getting ready I realize that a party means more glitter. I’d also say maybe they oil themselves up, but I’m looking at Daniel, and we all know from Sam he is a SWEATY MAN so perhaps it’s just his natural juices.

Okay things are getting very soft-core porn-y at this party. Is this what Papa T intended? I would think he’d be very disappointed in all the genital-to-genital contact going on here.

Kwasi and Jasmine, with an assist from tequila, are starting to really get along.

Cam is a hot commodity at his party, apparently his dance moves are really turning the ladies on. Also he’s very sweaty so everybody keep Samantha away!

Cali is also getting her freak on and attracting the attention of, you guessed it, ZAK!! That motherf*cker who just promised Morgan he wouldn’t make out with anyone else. THAT VERY SAME ONE. He starts telling Cali she could be his match and trying to get her to make out with him!!! Morgan overhears all of this and has finally decided to stop being Zak’s doormat in and confronts him saying “So you’re saying Cali’s what you need, not me?!”

Me rn:

And guys, it gets BETTER!! Nutsa is cracking me up right now! Yelling “Morgan! Love yourself b*tch! Nobody else is going to do it for you!” all the while grinding up on some dude. Multi-tasking! I’m legit recording that and playing it for myself any time I’m feeling down. And you know what, Nutsa’s voice is actually growing on me. It’s kind of endearing.

Morgan is done with Zak, and I am SO GLAD. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Zak will f*ck whatever is in front of him. Hide your dogs! Hide your sandwiches!

Guys, I appreciate Moe so much. He is really trying! And he’s been so nice to Kayla.

Daniel and Cali start dry humping on the dance floor, so I’m sure Sam’s earrings are gonna be coming off soon for a fight. Oh! No they’re not. She’s crying! Now I feel bad. How dare that sweaty man treat her like this?!

Oh WAIT! The earrings have come off! Sam is confronting Cali and poses the age-old question: “Do you think it’s okay to rub your vagina on my guy’s d*ck?!” Unfortunately Sam, I think the answer to that is yes, because she was just doing it. For a while, actually.

Okay I’m starting to think Papa T threw this party and he knew just what would happen. Perhaps he’s less wholesome than he lets on. Because DAMN people are freaking out left and right. Now Tevin is flirting with Jasmine. Did they spike all the drinks with Viagra or something?? Because all the dudes be thinking with their d*cks tonight. And now Kenya is upset.

We’ve finally made it to morning and the glitter survived, but dignity, livers, and relationships did not. But it’s time for our daters to ATV! Hopefully none of them have the spins!

On the date, Tevin and Kenya establish they still like each other. Great. Moving on. It’s time to decide who’s going in the truth booth. And it’s Tevin and Kenya! Why do I get the very bad no good terrible feeling that they are going to leave me on cliffhanger? Don’t do me like that, Terry!

Annnnnnd I was right! I’m boycotting! I’m never watching this show again. GET A NEW RECAPPER. Okay fine, I’m being dramatic but oh hey hi MTV publicist that sends me these episodes early, can I get next week’s real quick?

Well that was a wild ride, and a really fun episode. See all you peeps next time, and I hope that you all remember this week to love yourself, b*tch!

Images: Giphy (4)