We have arrived at another Wednesday night, aka another missed opportunity for me to get blackout but instead I’m watching the poor man’s The Challenge. If you’ll recall last week was the “blind choice” aka the huge copout that allowed Morgan and Tori to live to see another week.

Cam: That just shows you in this game that anything can happen.

…No shit.

Everyone’s celebrating except Shanley who’s crying like “I’m a good person!”

Rashida: He’s calling you a bitch but he loves you.

Ah, spoken like a true fourth grader.

Devin in the confessional like “This is why I love Rashida. Rashida, if you’re watching this, welcome to your tape.” JK he’s like “Rashida you beautiful tropical sunfish, I love you.”

Morgan and Tori are talking post-match.

Morgan: I sh-sh-shared, did you?

Tori: *long pause* totally. I totally shared.

Me: 

Morgan and Tori claim they both shared and I’m calling bullshit. ALTERNATIVE FACT! Where’s Sean Spicer when you need him? Actually, does anyone ever really need him?

Mike and Alicia are reveling over the fact that they’re still here. Alicia’s like “OMG if we win this shit…” Mike “…Yeahhhh??” Alicia: “I’m gonna…” Mike *getting harder by the second* Alicia: *kisses him on the cheek*

Mike: I just wanna feel that booty.

Alicia: I’m sure you do.

Honestly, iconic.

Mikala and Cam are being so fucking cute and in love and normally I would vomit but UGH I CAN’T TAKE IT THEY’RE SO FUCKING ADORABLE.

Mikala is way too hot to be this crazy of a cat lady. “What do you think our cat is doing right now?” I’ve had more interesting conversations with people who stop me on the street to ask for directions.

THE MISSION

They’re gonna have to drive in a car together, which is honestly genius. Driving causes pretty much all fights in relationships. AND they gotta complete a list of errands?? Oh man. Relationships will be broken during this challenge.

AND THE DRIVER WILL BE BLINDFOLDED. Oh man. If I had to guess I’d say this is the challenge that breaks Cam and Mikala up.

Adam can’t even buckle his seatbelt so he’s gonna be great at this.

Devin: I thought once I put the blindfold on my other senses would enhance themselves.

If that were the case then blind people would be allowed to drive. You fucking idiot.

This is Mike’s favorite mission and I’m trying to make a joke about what that says about him but I’m coming up empty tbh. 

Shanley’s version of giving Adam directions is yelling at him, punctuated by the occasional slap on the shoulder. Great communication skills.

Shanley: You know how to parallel park, right?

And she’s great at giving directions. What a catch.

Mikala: I’m a terrible driver but I’m also really aggressive and I make everyone throw up in the car.

Remind me to never drive with Mikala.

Third place is Morgan and Tori. Oh shit. Welcome back to the choice.

Cam and Mikala get second and cement themselves as a team to watch out for. Fuck, I am way too into this.

And the winner is…. Devlin and Rashida. LOL Mike being like “It’s us,” sounding like when you shout out the answer in class too confidently only to find out you’re wrong.

Andddd Mike and Alicia lose again.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Mike’s like “We just lost two in a row but Alicia and I are growing stronger.” Uh, pretty sure that’s the opposite of what’s happening. But I appreciate your attitude.

Tori is organizing a game of capture the flag because they’re not ALREADY competing in a giant game right now.

Cam’s begging Mikala to let him play a game and she’s like “No, let’s make out.” Spoken in a baby voice. Mikala is really regressing. Someone should see if she has Benjamin Button disease for real.

Adam and Shanley are still fighting about the challenge (still) and Shanley is like “outside of me slapping you on the shoulder, what did you do for me?” and has somehow managed to turn her failure to give adequate directions back around on Adam. This is—y’all already know what I’m gonna say—GASLIGHTING! Classic abuse relationship scenario! Shanley says Adam’s “letting” her walk all over him. WOW. I am seething at my computer screen. Can y’all imagine what would happen if the genders were reversed?

I kinda zoned out for Mike and Adam’s convo because someone stole my meme and I’m feeling personally attacked rn, so that’s happening.

Tori’s eyeing Morgan and he’s like “stop looking at me like that I’m not a piece of meat.” Tori’s like, “Yes you are.” Wow look at MTV, really challenging gender stereotypes over here. Well done.

It’s really hard for me to recap Cam and Mikala’s conversation rn because Cam is more articulate to the camera than he is to his own girlfriend. Like I don’t understand? Why couldn’t you just tell her…what you just told the camera… about the conversations lacking depth?

Cam: We should be able to talk to each other and we’re not.

Mikala: Ok Cameron. *rolls over*

Oh shit Cam is only 25? Wait, all these dudes are only 25 and are trying to cuff a girl up? Uh where the fuck these mature 25-year-old dudes at?? MTV, HELP A BITCH OUT!

Devin: Wouldn’t it be so funny if we fucked right now? Just hilarious?

Rashida: OMG ya sooo hilarious. Hahahaha

Oh my fucking god, just fuck already and get it over with. You’re not fooling anyone.

THE CHOICE

Karamo: Mike and Alicia, you might leave the house aka the very thing that brought you together. Does that scare you?

Alicia: Yes.

Mike: No, no matter what happens we’re gonna keep hanging out.

Inner Alicia: Don’t hold your breath.

And the couple voted in is… Cam and Mikala. Oh shit. Not mom and dad!

THE SPEECHES

Cam’s like “I’m sorry for being an asshole and picking fights for no reason. You’re the best teammate I could pick so let’s win this thing.” And nothing about the fact that she’s your girlfriend and you love her?

Mikala: Cammy! I love you literally so much, but we’ve been fighting. If one of us stole I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship.

Cam to the camera: If Mikala stole it would be the end of our relationship.

Cam chose… Share.

Mikala chose… Share!!! Yayyyy. I’m the only person who’s excited, everyone else is like:

Mike and Alicia are like “We didn’t get money here or at the first house but it’s not all about money.” Spoken like some true broke bitches.

Not going to lie to you all, I sort of forgot everything that happened last week on AYTO: Second Chances. But I’m sure the exact same shit is going to play out in an identical manner this episode, so here we go!

I’d just like to say, am I the only one who thinks this house looks like a Sims house? It legit doesn’t look real. Anywho.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Everyone’s pouring one out for the homies, Asaf and Kaylen.

Devin’s like “Tori got in Morgan’s head and mind fucked him and that’s why he gave up $75K”

That’s literally the point of the game, you sexist fuck.

Devin: If you win the final you’re gonna share like a pussy and end up with less money than you could have had tonight.

Rashida calls Tori a professional finesser. Why, because she voted against you one time?

Cam telling Mikala she’s been killing it like “I’m so I’m so I’m so proud of you.” WHY the fuck did they break up? Somebody has to tell me. Because they are a cuter couple than my own parents rn. Sorry mom and dad.

Ugh I forgot that Alicia is still happening. And by still happening I mean on this show/alive.

Alicia: It just goes to show you if you really put in the time and work with someone you can get to the level of cuddling in a bed.

And yet she is STILL like “you know you gotta romance me, right?” Bitch you JUST SAID…. Neverfuckingmind. I give up.

THE MISSION

So today they’re shooting a video that showcases their relationship. The fuck kinda Campus Moviefest bullshit is this?

They’re gonna show the movies to a bunch of locals and I really hope it’s the same sourpusses as the ones who got the gifts. RIP Asaf and Kaylen, they would have made the funniest movie.


Tori: If we could buy cotton candy or ice cream at this place I think that would be great for our movie and also my stomach.

Shandy is describing a porno. “I’m getting all greasy working on a car and you’re just standing there watching me work.” Uh, yay feminism?

I legit can’t believe a fucking auto shop is the best location MTV could secure. Maybe if you don’t spend all your production budget on a cartoon house next time…

Adam and Shannon are fighting and Adam’s just like “calm down” which is the worst thing to say to a woman who’s pissed off.

Mikala somehow manages to throw a temper tantrum and act all negative in the middle of the aquarium. Like, how? Nemo didn’t get lost for you to act all grumpy.

Devin and Rashida are on a boat and their movie involves songs. Oh here we go. BRB gonna go kill myself listening to this Disney shit. Rashida actually has a good voice while Devin sounds like the one Chainsmoker who thinks he can sing.

Tori: I pretty much force Mordan to go with my idea.

The marker of a good relationship.

UGH Alicia is from New Jersey?? Yeah that explains why she sucks so much. We figured it out, guys! Everybody can go home now.

Shanley is like “I totally get why we’re matches because if we weren’t I’d just be a bitch constantly.” Aw, romance!

All these movies are met by laughter. Seems appropriate.

Local: It was funny because it was so lame. 

^Describes a vast majority of my dates tbfh.

Adam and Stanley get third place… somehow. Devin and Rashida get second. Cam and Mikala get first! Yay, mom and dad!

And the couple that came in last is… Mike and Alicia. Who’s surprised? No one? Okay.

Damn, if you lose you get your bank account cut in half? Since when is that a thing? Karamo, you apparently have not been doing a good enough job of over-explaining these challenges.

Morgan is upset because they didn’t win which is ridiculous because this was the one challenge that wasn’t physical. Like, it’s obvious they specifically designed it to even the playing field. 

Morgan is literally telling Devin that he’s gonna steal and fuck Tori over and when Tori brings it up to him he’s like “IDK man you’re just being oversensitive.” This shit right here is why I don’t fw men rn. Men be like “You fucking bitch I’m gonna come to your house tonight and kill you and your entire bloodline and everyone you care about” and then turn around and be like “Yeah officer IDK why this bitch is acting so paranoid for no reason. Women, amirite?”

So this montage of Devin and Morgan fighting over what type of belly button they have made the final cut, but we don’t even know why Cam and Mikala broke up? Ok, MTV.

THE CHOICE

Morgan and Tori get voted in again.

For the speeches Tori is like “Last time when we said we were gonna put it all behind us I really meant it.” Eh her speech is meh.

Meanwhile Morgan is so monotone I feel like he did that on purpose. He’s like “Yeah dude IDK it’s tough seeing you upset. If I was gonna steal I would have stolen last week so.” Compelling point!

DEVIN, STOP TRYING TO MAKE MEDUSA HAPPEN. Tori is not at all two-faced for putting her own best interest in this game above yours! Also Devin and Rashida thinking they’re gonna beat Tori and Morgan in the final are some strong fucking words coming from the team that’s lost to them like, three out of four challenges so far.

WAIT. PLOT TWIST.

This is a “blind choice.” They’re never gonna hear the choice the other person made. Both of them are staying. No one is going home. Why the fuck did I waste an hour of my life then?

Alicia: Bitch whaaaat???

^My exact reaction tho.

Rashida: Morgan and Tori are mind-fucked because they’ll never know what the other person picked. …As if they can’t just ask each other later. Are y’all really this stupid?

Well thanks MTV and Karamo for wasting an entire hour of my life. Love you, mean it. 

Another Thursday, another AYTO Second Chances recap—a show I will begrudgingly admit I am into. If you’ll recall, last week Hayden solidified himself as Fuckboy of the Year, which is saying a hell of a lot given the makeup of the United States government rn.

Adam: I’m not surprised they got eliminated. I think Carolina’s as dumb as a squirrel, no disrespect to squirrels.

Way harsh, Tai.

Asaf: YEAAAA BITCHESSSS I’M STILL HEREEEEE!!!

Adam is like “you guys are so cute, you should kiss each other.”

Kaylen: Don’t push it, dude.

Asaf: I want to run through fields with Kaylen.

Kaylen: Asaf has the attention span of a goldfish which I worry is going to keep him from giving me attention at all times.

Mike is still trying to convince us that he’s the type of guy to smash and dash, which for the record I do still not believe. 

Tori hopes that if she keeps winning challenges Morgan will love her again, sounding like every girl in a romantic comedy. She also keeps interrupting their pillow fights to be like “Are we friends again?” Like, girl. Stop blowing up your own spot. How many people have pillow fights with non-friends? Just keep it breezy.

THE MISSION

Using a map and their eyes, they have to…cross a semi-busy road.

JK, but basically. Ok actually no. They have to swim through mud, get a bunch of bicycle parts, BUILD A FUCKING BICYCLE, then ride it to the finish line. Finally, a challenge someone with an elementary school education couldn’t do in their sleep.

Tori is KICKING MORGAN’S ASS. YAS QUEEN. FEMINISM. Tori is low-key my strong female role model.

Devin is actually encouraging Rashida which I’m honestly very surprised to see. What was it he called Kiki again? Oh yeah… a puppet. 

Adam: Essentially Shanley is just amazing and I’m only OK but when I join forces with her I’m amazing too.

All guys in the friend zone, take note. Saying Nicholas Sparks shit like this is only gonna put you deeper in the friend zone.

Mikala says “I’m gonna need to pace myself the whole time” aka “I’m gonna drag my ass.”

Asaf is going through this obstacle course like “Do you think Kylie Jenner and Amber Rose did all this? No they didn’t and you’re so much more beautiful than them.” I think I speak for all of us when I say: huh?

Tori and Morgan are literally IN A RACE TO THE FINISH and Tori’s yelling at Morgan to slow down. Like bitch, what? IT’S A RACE. Race means go fast.

Devin and Rashida come in first and Devin voms.

Tori and Morgan get second. Cam and Mikala get third.

Adam and Shanley don’t place and all of a sudden they’re like “yeah sucks, IDK why we’re a match.” Visual depiction:

Shanley is like “these challenges aren’t helping us get closer, we’re just working together” aka when your roommate thinks you’re besties and then overhears you tell your friend “yeah we’re not friends or anything but we live together well.” 

And despite Mike and Alicia bitching at each other the entire challenge, Asaf and Kaylen come in last with Asaf yelling, “Everything is possibleeee!!!” Jesus Christ. I tried, guys.

Kaylen: He pisses me off with his goofy shit and I’m a bad-ass bitch.

^This is legit me.

Asaf: Shut the fuck up, bitch.

I audibly gasped. Asaf, you’re better than that!

Kaylen’s like “I felt like I was gonna fall off the bike.”

Asaf: Did you fall? Did you fall tho? You fall? Did you? Did you fall?

Kaylen: Karamo back me up here.

Karamo:

Kaylen is gonna act like Asaf cracking a few jokes is making them lose challenges but come the fuck on, have you seen Asaf’s body? Ain’t no way he’s the reason y’all are coming in last in 10K races. If Kaylen doesn’t want Asaf as her match, I’ll take him. Just saying. @Karamo

K why am I supposed to care about Rashida having a sex dream about Devin? This is AYTO, not 50 Shades. Leave me out of this shit. Please stop, MTV. This has got to be the thirstiest maneuver I’ve ever seen.

Shanley is like “Do you love Devin?” OBVIOUSLY. Rashida has loved Devin since she set eyes on him like, two years ago. I know it. You know it. Devin probably knows it.

Alicia’s in a bad mood and mad at Mike. What else is new. Alicia is like “I’m sick of telling him how to talk to me. How to deal with me.” Newsflash, bitch: If this guy needs to develop a special language and pattern of behavior to converse and “deal” with you, you are the problem. All he should need to do is talk to/deal with you like a respectful adult; you should not have to come with your own communication handbook. Like, what are the odds that Alicia’s cover photo on Facebook is “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”? Let’s take bets in the comments section. Alternatively, you can tweet @betchesluvthis. 

Devin is trying to convince Morgan to go in and steal the money from Tori. DON’T DO IT, MORGAN. You and Tori are too cute! They’re idiots, though. They should obviously vote in Mike and Alicia because they are on thin fucking ice.

Devin creeps around the corner and is like “Take the steal, Morgan!” and Tori is like “If we get voted in tomorrow, there’s gonna be a double steal.” Tori asks Morgan if she can really trust him which is a litttleeeeee hypocritical. Morgan is also like “Tori is very emotional rn” which is Class A gaslighting. Like, you just told her you’d probs steal and you’re gonna say she’s being overly emotional for thinking you’re gonna steal?? Morgan is basically like “I’m not saying I’m gonna steal, but I’m not not saying I’m gonna steal” and then is like “Why don’t you trust me??” Men: in a nutshell.

THE CHOICE

Kaylen is like “I’m learning to be more patient and compassionate in this competition which I’ve never had to do in my life before.” Some of the girls they pick for this show, man…

Alicia is like “ugh I guess I like Mike a little bit” aka what every girl who’s friend zoning a guy for free meals says when he starts to get fed up with being her meal ticket.

Devin: The dinosaurs went extinct because years ago before we were reincarnated into our true selves, Rashida and I had sex and the world just exploded.

Me:

Karamo: Y’all are fucking weird. Welcome to the choice.

And the couple going in is… Morgan and Tori. Damn is Devin the puppet master of this game or what?

THE SPEECHES

Tori: Whatever you decide to do is fine but I’m never gonna hit steal, ever.

Strong words from the girl who JUST SAID there’s gonna be a double steal.

Morgan: I like, 98% believe you on that. You dated my roommate and you lied to me about it so like IDK dude.

Honestly I think Morgan talks a big game but deep down he’s just a big softie. Let’s see if I’m right.

Tori chooses…. Share. 

Morgan chooses… Share!!! I knew it! I actually just got the warm and fuzzies tbh.

Unfortunately that means Asaf and Kaylen are going home with nothing. I for one will miss Asaf’s butchered idioms. Asaf is like “Nooooo I don’t wanna leave!!!!” and I bet they had to get two camera guys to literally drag him out of that house. Never change, Asaf.

Alright, another Wednesday, another week of me recapping this show. Just like Asaf and Kaylen probably feel right now, I’m kind of surprised I’ve managed to make it this far. These and more terrible jokes, all in today’s recap.

Devin has a huge hard-on for Gio’s absence, while Mike is obviously psyched because he can finally shoot his shot with Alicia. Asaf is just grateful to be here and not get eliminated.


Asaf: So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. Promise to never take it for granted.

Meanwhile, Adam’s creeping on Carolina.

Adam to Carolina: I don’t usually go for girls like you. I usually go for 5s or 6s, not 10s.

Carolina has the appropriate response, which is to laugh and run away. She’s like “what about Shanley tho?” Good on Carolina, always lookin’ out. #GirlCode

Adam’s like “Shanley and I are just friends. Totally. There would never be anything physical between us,” which is eerily like what every girl says about all of her guy friends.

Adam tries to kiss Carolina; actual footage of what transpires:

That was a hard swerve, in case you didn’t get the joke. I didn’t tell you the jokes would be good.

They’re all playing a drinking game (Tori’s idea—spirit animal), and whoever loses has to streak.

Cam and Mikala are the “squares” of the house because they won’t play. Mike takes the opportunity to wax poetic about Alicia’s beauty.

Mike: From her lips, to her ass, to her titties, Alicia’s gorgeous.

Who said chivalry is dead, ladies?

Everyone’s naked and twerking and Mikala wants to go to sleep. Low-key me in the club. Cam wants to go hang and Mikala won’t let him. 

The exact interaction between Cam and Mikala over whether or not he should go and hang is summed up as the following:

Mike and Alicia are on top of each other and he essentially asks her, “Why don’t you like me?”

Alicia: I push you away because I actually like you because I’m in fourth grade and we’re on the playground. (Some liberties taken by me in the quoting.)

Mike: At home I invite girls over to watch Netflix and fuck but I can’t do that here with Alicia. — why, because there’s no Netflix in the house?

THE MISSION

For this mission they each get $200 to pick out a gift for the locals. Whoever gets the most thoughtful gift wins. Which is stupid because if you’re a local by definition you do not want any touristy bullshit gifts from the place where you live. But sure.

How did they find these people? Did they put out a casting call and were like “If you’re in Australia and you’ve ever seen Are You The One, you’re in”?

Mikala giving Cam advice on how to shop for this lady like “IDK. Do what you want, just don’t come back and say I fucked up your life.”

Mike and Alicia have $200 but they think $24 is too much to spend on one of the gifts. You guys have $200…for 5 people… Math is not their strong suit.

Adam: I’m pretending like I’m observing things but really I’m not paying attention this entire time. — This is me a lot of the time tbh. Whenever my boss gives me directions, whenever I’m walking down the street…

Carolina and Hayden are having a meltdown and Carolina is like “I wanna kill myself” and Hayden is like “same tho.” Good job, AYTO matchmakers! They’re really perfect for each other!

I am really so sick of Devin and Rashida bragging about themselves for an entire fucking episode. STOP. You’re not even winning!

Asaf is like “Hey let’s get the woman who likes the gym a bikini waxer. Bikini…gym…same thing!” Kaylen, please explain to Asaf what words mean.

Direct quote from Asaf: Yo this would be crazy if we get him a chair we’d be savages yo.

Somebody get this man to Urban Dictionary. That is not even close to the definition of savage.

Wow these people are some of the most ungrateful, hatin-ass motherfuckers I’ve ever seen. These idiots people really tried to get you all thoughtful gifts when they only knew two random adjectives about you…the least you could do is say thank you.

Jodi: I like vintage stuff.

Also Jodi: My least favorite thing was the vintage clock because it’s ugly.

Me:

Morgan and Tori win the challenge. Asaf and Kaylen come in last AGAIN. That’s what happens when you buy someone a fucking chair as a gift. Also, do these people get to keep these gifts? If not, can I have one? I could use a chair *mutters* ingrateful-ass hoes.

Asaf: How did this nerdy Justin Bieber not like the chair? If he’d just sit on it he’d give us first place. —that was a direct quote, BTW.

Asaf says he wanted to date Kaylen after AYTO.

Kaylen: You never said you wanted to date me.

Asaf: Yeah but I thought it.

Don’t care about Hayden/Carolina and Morgan/Tori rehashing the same shit over and over. We all know the gist by now, right? K.

Devin and Co want to vote in Hayden and Carolina basically to keep Asaf/Kaylen in the house because they keep sucking. Devin is really giving Johnny Bananas a run for his money.

Carolina pulls Hayden aside and she’s basically like “You’re such a dick to me Idk why I’d even want to be your friend even though I’ve been trying” and he’s like “U right.”

Carolina’s crying and pouring her heart out and being like “you hurt me” and he’s like “K. If we go in tomorrow, press steal.”

AND IT. IS. GETTING. REAL.

THE CHOICE

Poor Mike is celebrating the fact that he “got to cuddling” like it’s an accomplishment. JFC Mike, this isn’t your first summer at sleepaway camp. Or actually maybe it is? IDK your life. Point is, this is not a milestone. It’s not even a base. Step it TF up.

OK I actually love this new host because he’s like “Ok you like that Alicia’s beautiful but what do you like about HER?”

Mike: I like that she makes me feel comfortable.

Host: Ok but that’s about YOU. What do you like about HER?

Mike:

And the couple voted in is…Hayden and Carolina.

So basically Carolina shits on Hayden and is like “you’re mean to me, you’ve never tried to be my friend,” and Hayden is like “yeah.” The host is like “so why would you share tho?”

Carolina: At the end of the day I have a big heart
Translation: At the end of the day I’m a fucking doormat

Hayden doesn’t say shit because he knows he can’t say shit.

THE SPEECHES

Carolina: I feel like our relationship has been horrible but at the end of the day I want you to trust me so I think you know to trust me to make the best choice for us.

Hayden: The ball is in your court I want whatever happens to us to be your decision and no matter what happens I trust you to make the best decision for us.

So basically they just said the same thing.

I hope to god she steals. If not she’s just gonna lose all the money later on.


Carolina chooses… SHARE. YOU IDIOT.

Hayden Chooses…. STEAL.

All the castmates + audience:

Holy shit. I thought I was shook last time but man. Fuck, I am into this show. Damn it, MTV. You got me. Guess I’ll be here all season.

The Host: Hayden, you chose steal. That means you’re going home with all the money; Carolina, that means you’re a lil punk-ass bitch.

Hayden’s like “This is the problem with Carolina, she’s always playing the victim” … he says to the girl he just stole from.


Carolina: Money can’t buy you happiness.

Hayden: But it can buy me a boat.

Honestly Hayden and Gianna deserve each other. Carolina says some shit about karma coming to get him in the end. To which I say, Hayden doesn’t need karma because we have Twitter. Let the memes roll in. Hayden, get ready to be dragged harder than the guy who hurt #HurtBae. I bet that guy’s breathing a sigh of relief, wherever he is.

Hayden: I tried to play this game but my heart took me elsewhere and when I saw an out I took it.

Carolina: Fuck you.

Hayden: I have no comment to Carolina. I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.

Devin’s congratulating Hayden on his “baller move,” so Rashida better watch out. Asaf and Kaylen are like “We suck, but we’re still in the game.” I can appreciate their realness. We’ll see if they finally get their shit together next week.

Before I start this recap, I’d just like to thank everyone who commented on my last recap and Tweeted at Betches. It provided me with a much-needed ego boost, as well as the will to continue on writing these recaps. So it looks like for the next few weeks my Wednesday nights will be composed of watching these idiots flail around as opposed to doing literally anything productive with my time. No, really. Thank YOU. 

We open with Devin questioning Alicia’s allegiance. He’s like “Are you and Gio in love with each other or are you gonna come get this dick alliance?”

Alicia: Nobody said I’m in a relationship with Gio.

Asaf: So you’re saying you’re single?

Asaf slidin’ into ya DM’s like

Poor Mike. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Friendzone Island?

Alicia’s like “Gio moved all his stuff out” because that was a thing? You “moved in together” in the same house? What did he do, like, move his duffel bag onto a different bed? BIG STEP. 

Asaf: Leave your old life on the east coast and come with me to the desert. — I’ve been to Tel Aviv. It’s on the coast. Hardly a desert. But sure.

Asaf: And the beautiful prince is on his way to the Peurto Rican princess. — no real commentary here, just to point out that Asaf calls himself beautiful and the girl he’s trying to mack on just “Puerto Rican”. 

Asaf and Alicia make out. Gio is probably plotting both their murder. He flips out on them, predictably.

I guess to Gio being in a hot tob with a man is the highest form of cheating. Alicia’s like “you’re insecure you can’t handle me having a conversation with anybody.” Well almost 0% of my regular converstaions end in makeouts, so.

Alicia’s mad at Mike for not defending her and Mike’s like “well I like you.” Alicia says he should have come gotten her then? Mid-makeout with Asaf? Why anybody even bothers with this girl is beyond me. Then again… her behavior really opens my eyes to the types of shit I could subject dudes to and still get away with. #Inspirational

Gio: A lot of things with Alicia feel like with Kaylen and I. – He’s not as dumb as I thought he was.

Franny says she’s Gio’s perfect match because she’s theonly one who wouldn’t judge him. Which is a funny way of saying doormat. 

THE MISSION

Apparently these things are called missions and I’ve been using the wrong terminology. SUE ME.

New Guy (I know his name by now I’m just not using it on principle): If one person fails, the relationship fails, and that’s at the heart of this week’s mission – no shit, that’s at the heart of every mission.

They’re at some animal sanctuary where they have to get a selfie with a koala, kangaroo, dingo, and a python. Sounds fun tbh. But before they get the selfie they have to do a chore. GASP. A chore??! What do they have to do, sweep up some shit? Unload a dishwasher? Please.

While Mikala is crying over the dead rats Carolina is like “shrug life”. Hayden’s like “wow Carolina is actually pretty cool and maybe I shouldn’t have written her off immediately, I’m impressed.” Get you a girl who can do both.

Asaf’s cutting corn and is like “CORNBREAD! Like in 8 Mile!” …*starts singing about cornbread*.

Like I know gender roles and blah blah but you’ve got a jacked soldier cutting corn when you don’t know what the second task is but you know he can’t do it? Seems like you are about to play yourselves, but that’s none of my business.

Alicia: I have literal turds on my hands.
Mike: You like that tho?

Shanley, while plucking a chicken: Never in a million years did I think I would live the lifestyle of Ellie.

RIP. Well she’s not dead but you know what I mean.

Franny: I’m in its vagina. I’m currently in this chicken’s vagina.

So you’re saying you’re wound up in vaginas?

Watching Gio and Franny is a window into what abusive relationships look like. Stay woke, y’all. Reality TV is way more educational than your parents would like you to believe.

Morgan’s like “Tori is one of the biggest, fastest, strongest girls in the house.” I was waiting for him to say “hardest” so I could break out into Kanye in my head.

DAMN MIKE. KISSING ALICIA OVER A DINGO. It seems he has finally located his balls after all.

It’s a race to the selfies, and Morgan and Tori come in first. I see a bright future for Tori on The Challenge.

Adam and Sharon come in second. IDGAF about the rest of these hoes, Asaf & Kaylen and Gio & Franny are tied for last.

Asaf being like “pick the poop, babe. Pick the poop. Where is the poop?”

Can we get additional footage of Asaf asking various questions about poop? Hmm where have I seen this before…

Asaf: You’re doing great, like a squirrel.

Never change, Asaf. Never change. Gio and Francesca are 7th which means Asaf and Kaylen are in last. NOOOO.

Gio: Francesca is blessed to have me as a partner. She’s nothing without me.
Also Gio, probably: I respect women. Nobody respects women more than I do.

Like I’m sorry Kaylen but Asaf not motivating you correctly is not the reason for your loss. Do you really think if he said “poop” differently y’all wouldn’t have blown it?

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Franny pulls Gio aside to talk. This isn’t gonna end well.

Gio: You can work with me or you can work against me.

Gio’s DEFINITELY still not salty that Francesca didn’t answer his texts. Jesus I’m honestly terrified of him just watching him through the fucking screen—if this dude had my number you best believe I wouldn’t reply either.

Gio: Everyone knows they can’t fuck with me in this house.
Devin: Actually nobody thinks that.
Gio: If we lose it’s because I got a weak-ass partner!
Devin: Actually no we all know it’s because of you.

Never thought I’d say this. Hell has officially frozen over because Devin is speaking to me rn.

Does anybody care if I skip this recap of Morgan and Tori fucking around in this suite? No? Okay good.

Gio being like “your mindset is gonna be the reason why we lose” to Francesca which reminds me a lot of when my ex would low-key call me fat and then tell me it was my fault for “having a negative attitude” and “taking everything the wrong way.” Sorry if that was too real for y’all but this recap is also doubling as my audition to AYTO season 6. 

THE CHOICE

I don’t need to recap the vote because it’s pretty fucking obvious Gio and Francesca are getting voted in. Also shouts out to Devin, lookin like every white guy at Bonnaroo in his dashiki. 

Eveyrone’s acting surprised that Gio and Francesca got voted in like y’all didn’t just vote for them? I just used the Nick Young confused meme but I’m tempted to use it again here. 

We all know how the rules work, wish the host would stop explaining them but I guess they gotta fill the time allotment somehow.

Dude honestly if Francesca steals and Gio shares we’re gonna have to put Franny in the Witness Protection Program. I would dead-ass donate money to her safety.

Time for the speeches.

Francesca: We started off hating each other and we’ve grown with every mission and I wanna stay so bad and I’m just excited to see where things are gonna go with us in the future.

Gio: Samesies.

Alicia just cracks up. Wow savage move, sleep with one eye open.

Franny chooses…. STEAL. OH SHIT. IT’S ALL HAPPENING.

GIO CHOOSES SHARE! ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME RN:

HOLY SHIT. I AM SHOOK. I was serious about what I said earlier. Francesca’s gonna need to use that $20K to buy herself a new identity. Hope it was all worth it!

Gio ends the episode like “I ain’t even mad. I need to go home. I need to get help.” Okay so now I feel kiiiiiinda bad about calling him a psychopath. Okay so maybe I didn’t use the word psychopath but I was definitely thinking it… Gio, if you’re reading this, good for you man. I hope you get the help you need. I can recommend a good therapist, just HMU. Take care. Blessings.

Damn Gio is legit crying on Fancesca’s shoulder. I feel like Asshole of the Year. Will I stop? No. Will my commentary become more PC? Also probably no. Will I try? Doubtful. 

So in summation: I’ll see you all next week, and again in hell.

We’ve arrived at our second week of me openly thirsting over Derrick the Are You The One: Second Chances recap. I just want to make an annoucenment to the fans, if you’re out there: If you like these recaps and are not just one of my friends I bullied into reading them, please like this, tweet this, comment on this—just show your love. Or hatred. Just show an emotion. Otherwise I may abandon these recaps because I’ve got other things to do with my Wednesday night. Most of which revolve around drinking heavily. 

I am not even joking when Isay that I forgot Ryan Devlin wasn’t on this shit anymore and I got upset about it all over again. It was like when I went to sleep after the election and woke up and remembered it wasn’t all just a horrible dream. Allow me a minute while I go through the five stages of grief for a second time.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Rashida: The Choice is whether about whether you want to share or steal so it’s really based on trust.

Yes, Rashida. We established this.

Gio to Alicia: You know whatever money you take home is going to be half mine anyway.

This is week two, folks. Alicia, I’ll tell you what I’ve been telling Tom Schwartz, Carter, most of the cast of Vanderpump Rules, my own friends, myself everytime a guy texts me “Good Morning”…

Alicia: You don’t give a shit about your match, let’s be real.

Francesca, Gio, everyone watching: 

Cam and Mikala are making out and Mikala’s like “Fuck the haters, we’re the only couple who’s actually in love.” Which again, isn’t wrong. Now that I think about it, are a single one of these so-called “perfect matches” actually in romantic relationships? And isn’t that, IDK, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE SHOW? 

Tori and Morgan are having another awkward talk. Or is it the same awkward talk as before and they just re-inserted the old footage? I think it is. Laziness, MTV. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Tori calls her relationship with Mike “the worst mistake of her life.” I hope Mike is not watching. Between getting branded as a woman beater AND the “worst mistake” of someone’s life, AYTO was not kind to him.

THE PARTY

All right, time for some gratuitous twerking scenes. Let’s get it. Rashida and someone other girl (I can’t learn all the names, OK?) lick whipped cream off of Asaf’s abs, who has clearly taken a page out of Corinne’s plabook.

My face when Asaf calls Devin “Daddy” not once, but TWICE.

Nate: I have this problem where I see a pretty girl and I’m just like “I need I need.”

I do not believe that at all. Am I the ONLY one…?

Carolina thinks Nate is sexy. What? Are we living in the Twilight Zone? I know Beyoncé is married to Jay Z and all but this is taking things to new, broke heights.

Ellie is my spirit animal. “You are the reason all bitches hate men,” she drawls.

Nate and Carolina’s relationship is basically the “here for the wrong reasons” of this show.

Ellie: I just don’t want his mind wound up in vaginas.

Nate: Talk to me like an adult, not like raging crazy country girl.

Well that’s not fair considering I don’t think Ellie HAS any other way to talk.

Shanty is breaking out the clapping. in. be.tween. words. fighting strategy but when dd she get involved in this fight?

Nate: I like to be teased a little bit — Funny, because I just vommed in my mouth a little bit.

THE CHALLENGE

This theme’s challenge is “in sickness and in health,” or as The Squid explains it:

“When the mess goes down, one partner has to step up and pick up the slack” — Ryan Devlin he is not. We all know what “in sickness and in health” means. You trying to paraphrase that very common trope just made things more confusing.

Squid: One of you needs to decide which one of you is gonna be the caregiver and who’s gonna be a little more needy — aka let’s all watch gender roles play out in real time.

Asaf: I feel like a bean burrito.

They have to go to the state library of Victoria and then go back to the house. … K.

THEY ALL HAVE YELLOW CABS WAITING FOR THEM. IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE? WHAT IS EVEN CHALLENGING ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE?

Actual footage of me watching this challenge:

Task 1: Collect 20 “get well” messages from strangers. So basically these strangers have to sign their casts. Jesus fucking christ, I’ve done more work for a sorority scavenger hunt. This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. Put me in, Coach MTV.

Kaylen: I’m the more serious person. I like to process things.

Asaf: *Dancing to himself during the interview*

Task 2: Find a clown and get him to check the cast. DIFFICULT.

Task 3: Go to the Melbourne City bath.

And once again, Ellie and Nate are at a disadvantage because Ellie is impossible to understand and Nate is just kinda weird.

Shanaynay: I’m honest and sometimes me being honest is just me being a bitch.

$10 says she also has “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” as her cover photo.

How did Shanley fail at reading directions? Aren’t they in English? I legitimately don’t understand.

A pigeon grabs Francesca’s balloon and starts running away with it—this is the most drama that’s happened all episode. Courtesy of a pigeon. But was he hired by MTV?

Task 4: Find the doctor. Fill out medical paperwork.

What’s next? Do your taxes, give us your SSN just for shits and giggles?

Mikala is talking a bunch of shit about how she’s filled out Cam’s doctor forms before so she’s got this.

Mikala: Your birthday is April 3rd.

Cam: It’s April 2nd.

Alicia nails the challenge and is like MIKEY GET TF UP HERE YOU BITCH! Is she his perfect match or his trainer?

Now they have to cut off the casts. WITH A SAW. This seems like a badddd idea. Is nobody supervising this? Just some interns with cameras? I am deeply concerned.

All the teams reenact their own version of the Titanic “Do you trust me?” HOW WAS THIS STUNT APPROVED.

Karolina can’t find a cab to hail and this is triggering a full-on meltdown. Just look, with your special eyes.

Honestly I knew Asaf was born in Tel Aviv and I’m not even his perfect match.

Mike and Alicia come in first. They clearly practiced their victory handshake in the cab. I think they ripped it off from Parent Trap. I SEE YOU. 

Hayden and Carolina get second.

Morgan and Tori get third.

We don’t care about the middle placers, right? K. Good.

Asaf is basically on the verge of tears and apologizing to Kaylen for being a deadweight and they don’t even come in last.

Kaylen: Don’t go in the house with your tail between your legs. own your shit.

Asaf: So we didn’t come in last?

Kaylen: Bruh did you hear wtf he just said? No.

Nate and Ellie come in last.

Hayden wants to go into the elimination and wants to steal and fuck Carolina over just because Carolina had a little temper tantrum.

Carolina: That was one time!

Is anybody gonna mention how Gio definitely just said the N-word? Is that chill? Is this too deep a conversation for an MTV spinoff? Okay, I’ll go fuck myself now. Mahalo.

Tori might go against the grain and vote in Sharon and Adam instead of Haylen and Carolina. *CUE THE SUSPENSE MUSIC*

Tori: I think people can hear me *as she looks around at all the cameras and microphones she’s surrounded by*

THE VOTE

The host asks Carolina if there’s trust in her relationship and she’s like “Yeah definitely I think we proved that last week and we’re working together super well now.”

Everyone else:

Adam and Shelby are voted in. Tori exposes herself as a snake in the process.

Devin: We have one snake in this house. And that’s Tori. Aka…

Devin & Rashida: Medusa.

Y’all gotta find something better to do with your time than rehearse one-liners in unison.

Franny says to Shayna “Well I picked you because I thought you were gonna steal” and Shanley says “I’m not gonna steal” but her eyes say “Bitch WTF we had a deal you were supposed to keep yo damn mouth shut.”

THE PRE-CHOICE HALLMARK MOMENT

This is what I will now be calling these unnecessary speeches they have to give before they dramatically press a button on a touch-screen.

Shanley: Listen, I know I don’t like you farting next to me but I’m not stealing the money and I’d expect you to do the same because we are extremely good friends inside and outside this house.

Inner Shanley (to the camera): Steal that fuckin money yo ass has no job and got $0 in ya bank account

Adam: You’re probably the coolest girl I’ve ever met and you’ve been the same person since day 1 and I’m 100% confident we’re both gonna share.

Strong words directed towards the girl who just admitted she has $0 in her bank account.

THE CHOICE

It all comes down to money vs. friendship. A classic American conundrum.

Adam chose … share

Stanley chose … SHARE. Damn it, does this mean I have to actually use her real name now?

A half-hearted round of applause follows.

Ellie and Nate are going home. They end with the following words of wisdom:

Nate: We’re perfect matches because we both have attitude problems.

Ellie: I’m a hopeless romantic, he’s a hopeless romantic … I guess he’s not a vagina.

Y’all are on two totally different wavelengths. I can see why you were eliminated. Peace.

Welcome one, welcome all, to the first of what I hope will be at least a few Are You The One: Second Chances recaps, a show I may or may not have found out about only yesterday because I was stalking Derrick’s Instagram seeing what MTV has been up to lately. Before we get started, I’d just like to point out that no, the byline is not a typo. Our beloved Betch Waldorf will not be recapping this season, and I will do my best to honor her legacy.

Oh who am I kidding? We all know you are all just going to comment about how much better her recaps were, week after week. What can I say, I’m a masochist. Apparently. But luckily for me and unluckily for you, I don’t read the comments. Look and you’ll find that in my three-year history of writing for Betches, the only time I felt so strongly moved to comment was to defend my choice not to include Simba in a ranking of Disney princes by hotness. I think that tells you anything you need to know about me.

Anywho, let’s get into this recap.

This is really like a walk down memory lane. If memory lane consisted of my favorite idiot misfits. So okay, yeah, accurate.

Hopefully the first episode, which is a glorified one-hour intro sequence, is not indicative of how starved for drama the rest of the season will be. If it is, I think I speak for all of us watching when I say: kill me now.

We open with Devin and Rashida, who are trying entirely too hard to make “Team Puppet Master” happen. A team name like that doesn’t make you sound like the evil masterminds you think it does. It just makes you sound creepy.

Season 4’s fave couple, Cam and Mikala are back. I have nothing bad to say about them, I hope they get married and MTV films the wedding. We will, obviously, recap that wedding. I will not be going through a list of every couple who’s appearing on this season because you’re all watching it, yes? Ok good.

Since we last caught up with Ellie, she has darkened her hair and learned how to put on one swipe of eyeliner. She has not, unfortunately, figured out how to speak coherently.

I feel duped that Derrick is on this show, as glad as I am to see his face, because I came across his Bumble profile a few weeks ago and the only reason I’ve kept my profile is in the vain hopes he’ll match me. Should I have admitted that on a website he or his friends might read? 

His team name with Cas is “Team Dark and Sassy,” which doesn’t even rhyme, nor is it a pun. I wonder if coming up with corny team names was a prerequisite to the competition, or they all just thought they were entering a beer pong competition at a dive bar?

Why are all the teams holding GoPros when they’re all being filmed by a camera crew? It makes about as much sense as Max’s job on Catfish.

I think the biggest disappointment thus far, aside from Gio’s presence, is the fact that Ryan Devlin is not hosting. Like, do you really expect me to believe he has something better to do? Star as another pedophile priest on an episode of Law & Order: SVU? I don’t mean to sound like the popular guy in a teen drama, but I don’t trust this new guy.

So basically what I and my two-margs-deep mind are gathering is that this show is The Amazing Race meets The Challenge meets half the IQ and physical stamina required to be on either show. Great!

THE CHALLENGE

We waste no time getting to the challenge, which is that each team has to find their way to their house. In Melbourne, Australia. From the back of a cab. How EVER will they do it??

Glad to know MTV is still trying to make the slo-mo happen.

Mike: Alicia and I have a lot of chemistry but the only thing that was missing was the romantic side the fact that she fucked everybody’s match.

Like, really, the first challenge is to find your way to a house using various cabs in an English-speaking country? TELL ME HOW THIS IS HARD. Ok so maybe Ellie doesn’t speak English, I will concede this will be difficult for her.

The first task: Find 5 emojis on a giant wall of graffiti. This is like, what I do every morning on Instagram at 5am. I could, and in fact do, literally do this in my sleep. And then there’s a crossword puzzle involved. So we’ve gone from: my drunk Saturday night activities to my Sunday morning hungover pasttime. 

Ellie is looking at a map of Australia aka the country SHE IS IN RIGHT NOW, and miscorrectly identifies it as Great Britain. Someone please send this to Betsy DeVos as a reason why we fucking need money for the schools. SAVE THE CHILDREN.

Tori: IDGAF how dirty this alley is.

I would hope not, seeing as you’re from fucking Queens. This alley is probably nicer than your apartment.

So I didn’t watch AYTO OG aka season 1 but Shanley sounds like a summer beer I might drink.

They live at 100 Match Road. Somewhere, Ryan Devlin is chuckling to himself. “You’re crazy for this one,” he whispers.

Shanley: How do you hail a cab? I don’t know how to hail a cab. How do you hail a cab?

Adam: Like this *sticks arm out*

Gio: We should take their bags to slow them down.

Jesus Gio, this isn’t the homeless shelter. Have some chill. Wait. EPIPHANY: Gio is the Chad of Are You The One.

Kaylen is back with Asaf and I’ve gotta say, I’m liking this new hair/new scarf/new vibe. Also I totally forgot they were a match. Whoops.

Asaf: Once you slide in you can’t go back.

Glad to see nothing’s changed re: Asaf’s incoherent, sexually charged, made-up idioms.

Devin and Rashida come in first and win …. their first choice of bedrooms.

And $40,000. Ok, fine.

Of course Asaf came in second. This dude was in the fucking IDF (I assume). If so, he probably could have found his way to this spot blindfolded, through a sand storm, with nothing but the latitude and longitude coordinates of an abandoned lot two miles away.

Shandy and Adam come in third. Asaf pops a bottle screaming Yolo because the phrase “Yolo” probably only arrived in Israel six months ago, along with Notorious B.I.G.’s smash hit “Hypnotize”.

Nathan looks totally different and somehow like even more of a little bitch since season 2. He insists he and Ellie are just friends even though they talk all the time for a few months, get in a fight and stop talking, which kind of sounds like a relationship to me. 

Derrick is just like, too much of a fucking Southern gentlemen to ask for some directions. Come on, Derrick. You’re hailing a cab, not asking a woman her age. 

Derrick and Cassandra come in last. Kind of a metaphor for their entire reality TV career so far.

Mike and Alicia enter the house and are far too cocky for two people who came in 9th place out of 10.

Cas: Derrick I’m so sorry I felt like I could have done a little more.

This is an accurate statement, because literally anything is more than the absolute nothing she did.

Derrick, however, is like “it’s not your fault, it takes two.” HOW IS THIS MAN SINGLEE? HOW??!? I’m starting to think that Derrick is not real and is just a character created by women’s magazines and Shonda Rhimes.

Gio goes off on his own because the sky is blue and Alicia is like “it’s weird you’re alone.” Alright, who put their money on 10 minutes until Alicia moves in on her new target? 

Gio: It wasn’t weird when I was alone on my season. It wasn’t weird when nobody gave a fuck about me. It wasn’t weird when I grew up on the block, with my thang cocked, possibly sitting on a drop now.

Alicia “has seen where Gio comes from” and I’m getting major Kaylen vibes. #Tbt

Alicia steals Gio’s hat — classic girl flirting move.

Carolina is trying to convince Hayden that she is a better girl for him than Gianna. She’s like, one move away from breaking out into a Sam Smith song.

Hayden’s like “my relationship with Gianna is so strong she’s apartment shopping for us right now.” While you’re in Australia. Playing a game based on love and trust. With the girl a bunch of scientists producers said is your perfect match. Can’t imagine what could go wrong with this scenario.

Ugh did this new host really just dab? Get this guy outta here.

New Guy, whose name I refuse to learn on principle, explains how elimination is going to work. All the perfect matches vote on who will go against Derrick and Cas. Elimination is called “the choice,” and although we have no idea WTF it entails, we know one thing: it was not created by the GOP. We do know it’s a “high-stakes game to test your trust in your partner,” so I’m envisioning some kind of stunt where they suspend them all off a building or some shit. Or like, maybe they’ll fuck with all the girls’ birth control and not tell them.

Tori is like “Morgan and I don’t really have trust since I dumped him for his roommate.” Like, yeah, that’s generally how it works. 

Devin and Rashida still haven’t given up their whole Disney villain persona and are bragging about their amenities. I can’t wait to see this bite them in the ass later on in the season.

Devin: As you guys sleep six inches off the ground like the peasants you are, I will be in a king size bed.

As if any of this is news to Tori and Morgan, since they live in New York. And actually, a mattress on the floor is probably a luxury Gio has never known.

So what does Gio do? Strip and jump on their bed. For the record, that bed is king size like my fuckboy’s dick is 10 inches. AKA no way in hell.

Alicia and Gio just kissed. Who saw that coming? Oh right, all of us. Moving on.

Derrick: Do you think the challenge is physical or mental?

Cas: IDK as long as you trust me. Do you trust me?

Derrick: I trust you, Jack.

Derrick says they’re more confident than ever going into elimination, which is eerily what the people who get their asses handed to them say. I hope I’m not right, but I usually am about these things.

In an unexpected bit of behind-the-scenes footage I did not need to see, Derrick wants to put a hickey in the spot right under Cas’s chin. Over her mole.

Welp. Attraction gone. Thank you.

Mikala and Cam are that annoying couple who’s PDA all over the place. They probably make out in parks and shit. Honstly, not even mad because y’all are so beautiful and in love. It makes me sick.

Morgan and Tori have a conversation and decide to go by the name Team Awkward As Fuck. Which is one way to deal with your problems. I guess.

Tori wants to put her head on his chest and shit and Morgan’s like “I wouldn’t mind being friends.” Curve level: expert.

“I wouldn’t mind being friends” = what I’m going to say to every ugly guy I meet on Bumble now.

Everyone’s forming alliances and naturally people are worried Devin is going to fuck them over. Because he’s Devin.

Devin: If I’m gonna stab you I’m not gonna stab you in the back I’m gonna stab you in the fucking heart.

If you’re not convinced I’m sure Kiki can corroborate that statement.

Devin forms an alliance with Ellie and Nate and Shannon and Adam straight off the bat. 

Devin: We’re pulling the strings. We’re the puppet masters they’re the puppets.

Isn’t that ALSO word for word what you said about Kiki? Let’s roll the tape.

Devin: We have ducks on the pond. If we don’t shoot them, they’re gonna fly away.

Devin probably prepared for this show by reading The Idiot’s Guide To Becoming A Cartoon Supervillain. Step 1: Give yourself a creepy name. Step 2: Speak only in unnecessary metaphors.

Hayden doesn’t want to form an alliance because he “was taught to take on the best, take on the strongest, take on the fastest,” or in layman’s terms, “male fragility.”

Devin: Your partner wants to be with us? Where the fuck do you wanna be, brother? Where the fuck do you wanna be?

Also Devin: Let the fucking games begin, baby!

Devin. You’re already the villain of this season. You can chill with the one-liners (that’s Step 3, btw).

THE CHOICE

Carolina and Hayden get voted into The Truth Booth elimination. 

Devin: Immune looks good on us, Rashida.

Please. Please stop. We already hate you. You’ve done your job.

I’m really glad they brought their B-list outfits for the spinoff show. Except for Franny’s vampy lipstick and tattoo choker which I am LIVING FOR. Also please note that Gio is literally wearing his third eye. He is not one for subtlety. 

Gio: Devin thinks he’s the shit because he got first place in the first competition. At the end of the day over my dead body will you leave here with a fucking dollar.

Seems a little extreme to threaten to kill yourself so someone else doesn’t win money, no?

Devin: Better start digging your grave then.

Gio: You’re a pussy and I’m gonna keep you here to ensure that you leave here with nothing.

I don’t think Gio understands how the game works. You want to eliminate the people that—nvm.

So it seems like these challenges are just a series of prisoners’ dilemmas. Which seems great because I‘m sure none of these idiots have ever taken Micro Economics. Reason #452 I need to disappoint my dad apply to be on Are You The One?

OK here’s the deal with this choice: Hayden and Carolina go up to these podiums with the lock in screen you remember on Are You The One? because MTV has all but run out of ideas. Each person can choose to “share” or “steal”. If both people share, it means they stay in the game together and Cas and Derrick go home. If one person steals, they take the entire bank for themselves and bounce, leaving the other high and dry. If they both pick steal, they both go home and Cas and Derrick get all their money AND stay in the game. In other words, this is just a poor man’s prisoner’s dilemma/every psychology experiment on altruism ever. Wait, what if… this show is one big social experiment? #HighThoughts

Carolina: I get the trust thing now. I get it.

Hayden: Welp. I’m fucked.

Tori: I feel bad for Carolina. You should never have to sell yourself for a shitty match.

Incidentally that’s what I tell myself every time a Tinder date gives me shit for not putting out. 

The Squid: I want to give you both a moment to tell your perfect match exactly how you feel about them.

Carolina: I don’t trust this guy for shit. He led me on in the honeymoon suite. It happened 2 weeks ago. I’m not gonna fuck you over, I have the best intentions for you.

Me:

Hayden: You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

K that’s not really what he said but I took some liberties and jazzed it up a bit. As far as eliminations go, this is anticlimactic af. I’m literally just watching two people press a button. Where’s the bloodshed? Where’s the pizzazz?

REAVEAL TIME

Karolina chose share.

Hayden chose … share.

That means they both stay in the house which means Derrick and Cas are going home. Which is kinda bullshit because they didn’t even get to go head to head/get a chance to defend themselves. I’m kinda pissed for them. But maybe that means Derrick will be back on Bumble …. So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life.

As a final thought, watching Rashida act as Devin’s sidekick is extremely cringeworthy. She’s like the LeFou to his Gaston. You know what, I would be down with her having a gay moment on this season. Stay tuned.