Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what happened immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect matches systematically rip each other to bits by using their biggest insecurities against them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that way, this sounds like a blast. Shall we dive right in?
Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t need to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh*t about the show and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!
As the perfect matches walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and girl it was money WELL SPENT. And it appears all of our contestants time traveled back to 2001, got their outfits at Wet Seal, and were told the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”
Right off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right after they got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you put any effort into this casting at all.
Papa T to Shamoy:
Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why prepare for your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the toilet?
The cast is asked who the most surprising match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suck his d*ck all season. Sure, Jan.
And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only find one intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which actually sounds about right.
We return from the commercial break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.
Tomas and Cali announce that they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect match and he looks like a total nerd tonight. I preferred him with the sunburn.
Terry sets his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost control of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.
Now the whole cast is saying that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and making fun of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t think.
I’m glad to see everyone is drinking out of Solo cups during the commercial break. I feel like MTV thinks these people are like cars, and they won’t perform unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.
Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their way to the hot seat. Kenya made a flattering color change to her hair, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.
Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.
You guys, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s giving Tyra a run for her money. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”
And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might remember her from last season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, they are all sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twin babies that fly.
This is Diandra. (Also, you’re welcome for finding this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning just to piss me off). Perhaps you should picture her with whipped cream in her mouth though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, just spray it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your girlfriend won’t cut off your balls. Just a suggestion!!
Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and only convinces me more that Papa T will be a very caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and stupid job.
Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.
We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was spiteful and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at sex. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.
Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown men with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a personal problem, I know.
Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.
Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the same.
Now they’re taking questions from the audience. God, TERRENCE. You really just rolled out of bed and came to do this show, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this recap I just copied and pasted tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up—can I do that? Editor?
Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she handled this because if someone said that to me I would turn my apartment into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my bed again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.
Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are shown clips of the whole Cam/Kayla saga in case anyone sustained brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14-year-old girl filling out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely people, one definitely on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.
Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the show thought he was a disgusting troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also notice that he got a haircut and looks fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!
Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/Cam fight. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misunderstanding because in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” but in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to mean “to have intercourse,” so why not throw another word into my lexicon?
Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But seriously, can I hire a research company or something to crunch some numbers for me? How many people get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their money responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last answer is zero.
Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more pleasant?
Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the couch and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that got crossed this season, but maybe that’s just me.
Morgan says that Zak treated her terribly but at least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent some of her winnings on a dictionary.
YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the show, Zak sent Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and convinced her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much faith in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve never been less shocked about something in my life.
Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s a kind, kind man who wants me to have as much material as possible with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He hooked up with Geles from last season, and with Nilsa! One of my girls from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the hot concrete. You foolish, foolish girl.
And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t think I’ve hooked up with this many people in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ time. And turns out he did the same thing to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just spend all his winnings on flying girls out to Texas and then ripping their hearts out with his bare hands?
Okay so Shanley shows up and tells us that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.
Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to scare her.
Okay Sam and Bria are kind of defending him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies reading this right now, NO. Do not defend a dude who threatened to release revenge porn of another woman! Who cares that he didn’t actually have it! (Which I don’t believe anyways.) I honestly can’t even think of something mean enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a creative way to say he’s worse than the trash floating in the suspicious puddle I saw on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I think Nutsa would agree.
Now Terry gives Zak the chance to talk because we’re all just DYING to hear this manipulative prick explain why HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to release revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he will ever change.
(Joey, I’m sorry I compared you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging.)
On the commercial break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Seriously MTV, if I see him on a show again I will at the very least send your office multiple glitter bombs. Try cleaning that up, assholes.
We have finally made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:
- Everyone agrees Bria and Zak were the worst fight in the house
- Sam and Cali made up in the airport
- Everyone would do it again even without the money (probs because the alcohol is free)
And that’s all folks! This was all fun and games until someone threatened to release revenge porn, huh? I hope you all enjoyed the drama as much as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone never give up on love!
Images: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram