‘Are You The One?’ Finale Recap: Saucy Seven Comes To An End

Well friends, we’re back for the last Are You The One of the year! I thought the finale would be last week, what with how time works and everything, but I guess MTV skipped Halloween because they know their audience and figured everyone would be blacking out while dressed as slutty nuns. So that’s how we find ourselves here today! It’s been so long since the last episode I had to reread my last recap to remember what happened. Still funny.

Let’s do a brief recap here: Men are trash, the gang sucks at this game, everybody’s a drunk, and Nutsa and Brett are headed into the truth booth. So, shall we dive right in? I’m confident they will utterly f*ck this up on the edge of my seat waiting to see what will happen!

We pick up with Brett and his peach Nutsa as they head into the truth booth. Naturally they are nervous because they’re basically the last hope with a million dollars on the line. And they’re a perfect match! Congrats you two crazy kids, you finally got something right! I’m excited for you to have one night of celebratory passion and break up a week after returning home. Enjoy it while it lasts!

The crew starts chanting “Saucy Seven!” and did we agree this was what we were calling this season? Because I was thinking more of like “Sloshed Seven,” but sure. I’m gonna be super nice and let them have this one since they’re for sure about to lose a large chunk of change.

Lol okay guys it’s morning and Cali just casually strolls up to Andrew and asks him the most awkward af question.

Cali: Are you not a sexual person?

Andrew: I love sex. I have a red room of pain. I’m a dominant. Banana.

Me thinks thou doth protest too much. OMG this is so cringey. Y’all know when a guy says they’re into 50 Shades of Grey stuff that they got that from reading the book in their mom’s basement and have never had sex, right?

The guys are sitting around talking about who their perfect matches are. Zak says, “I think it’s for sure Morgan. Or if not it’s Cali. Or maybe that piece of cardboard over there. Who can say.”

With Zak still in the room, Cam speaks for all Americans and the majority of Martians when he says that if he was a girl he would never get in a relationship with Zak because he is the worst person to ever try to date. PREACH. Can some rich billionaire just pay Cam to follow Zak around and warn off every girl for the rest of his life? I’m sure it would be a tax write off because that’s charity for all the single women in the world.

The group decides to do a speed dating sesh because after like 10 weeks of living together they don’t know anything about each other. That’s what happens when you blackout every night dummies! Drink responsibly! Oh wait, they’re drinking now. Good luck remembering this sh*t when it comes time for the last matchup ceremony.

During Bria and Cam’s speed date she says God is really important to her. And Bria is really important to God. Because he really loves sending people to hell. Bria also tells Cam that she agrees with some of Trump’s policies and he immediately gets hard. Oh boy.

They have now come up with some sort of plan that I don’t understand, and frankly neither do they. Everyone is trying to pressure Sam into picking Lewis, but she’s standing by her sweaty man.

Asia knows that Sam won’t pick Lewis during the matching ceremony so she comes up with an evil plot. She wants to start a rumor that Daniel kissed Cali, forcing a huge fight and making Sam pick Lewis at the matching ceremony. TBH I love this. Asia has been kind of a bully this season but I admire scheming as much as the next girl.

Asia starts the rumor by running to innocent little Kayla and tells her that Danny kissed Cali at the party and of course Kayla is SCANDALIZED. And now they get perfectly sweet Moe involved, who valiantly volunteers as tribute to tell Sam. Damn, Asia knows what she is doing. These two adorable dummies were the perfect marks.

Moe pulls Sam aside and tells her that about the rumor going around and suggests she pick Lewis at the matchup ceremony. So wait, did he actually know about the evil plan? Because that wasn’t subtle.

And it’s already time for the matchup ceremony! But there’s still like 30 minutes left? Dear God how long will they make us wait between beams? The dudes show up looking dapper af. Kidding, they’re in ripped skinny jeans. I would like to say that the girls make up for it but Sam’s in a Victoria’s Secret bargain bucket bra, soooooooooo.

Papa T comes out and can barely contain his joy as he announces that this is the final matchup ceremony. Soon he can check out of the Motel 6 that MTV put him up in and return home to his quiet existence not dealing with this nonsense.

Papa T reminds us we already have the three “perfect” matches, Maria & Shamoy, Tevin & Kenya, and now Brett & Nutsa. And now it’s time to f*ck up eternally! Let’s do this.

Cali picks Andrew. Okurrrrrr.

Kayla picks Moe. I hope these two innocent sweethearts make it. I really do.

Morgan picks Zak. Papa T can’t help himself and asks our resident philanderer if he feels bad about what he put Morgan through. He says he does. Lol, K.

Sam gets called up. She says her heart is leading her to Daniel and his overactive sweat glands, but strategy is leading her to Lewis and his occasionally funny jokes. Even though she basically says the heart wants what it wants, she ends up picking Lewis. I guess the heart really wants MONEY.

Jasmine picks Daniel. She describes him as sweet and says he loves taking care of others, and she didn’t once mention how much he sweats so consider me a believer.

Lauren chooses Kwasi. She says she is (B)ad (B)ossy and (C)lassy so since she’s BBC she needs a dude with a BBC. I wish I were dead. Kenya’s face rn is all of us.

Kwasi likes Lauren because his mom is a teacher and so is she. I’M SORRY. A girl that just said she likes BBC on TV is teaching the youth of America. WE ARE DOOMED. This is even worse than when I see my teacher friends make grammatical errors on Facebook.

Asia picks Tomas.

Bria and Cam are the last two. Tevin appears v concerned and is whispering feverishly to Kenya. Dude. Same.

Papa T: Tevin and Kenya what do you think?

Tevin & Kenya

And now it is time for the beams!! Prepare yourselves for 15 minutes of waiting for flood lights to turn on! God this is so stressful, my tummy hurts. The crew screams for the first beam like they just won the World Series for the first time in 108 years. You guys have no chill. Then they get five beams for the first time all season! I forgot how bad at this they were. Six beams! Seven beams! Papa T thinks they are all getting too excited. He uses his best monotone to convey that this don’t impress him much. Eight beams! Nine beams! Brett is so nervous he has Nutsa in a headlock. I have lived ten million lives since the ninth beam. Time is meaningless. Time is Jeremy Bearimy. What is HAPPENING. Ten beams! Eleven beams!

WHAT. This was definitely rigged but fine. Have your celebration with your confetti and your alcohol and your unprotected sex. I will be conducting a FULL investigation.


Papa T is so proud of them, he’s not evicting them from the house immediately after the ceremony, which is what usually happens. He’s giving them one final night to “turn up” and “connect with their perfect match.” Oh they’ll be connecting all right, Terry.

They head back to the house and I am #blessed that I get to recap one final sh*tshow.

Daniel and Samantha waste no time and immediately bring their love into the confessional for us all to see, Cali and Andrew take their decidedly NOT 50 Shades-esque love making to the floor mattresses, and Maria finally breaks free of her perfect match prison to flirt with Kwasi on the ping pong table.

Later in the night, Lewis comes into the confessional to tell us all that he and Asia “enjoyed each other’s company.” They just “had a pillow fight.” LOL sure. Why does everyone on this show use euphemisms? We know you had sex. Roll the tape!

We make it to the morning and Zak and Morgan are having a tense conversation. Zak says that having Morgan be his perfect match makes him look like an ass. No sweetie, you make you look like an ass. He apologizes and says he ruined it. Don’t pretend you’re sorry Zak, we all know you’re just trying to get laid one last time before you leave.

Nutsa saying goodbye to her friends: “I love you and remember don’t say one more mean thing about yourself or I will come into your dreams and haunt you.”

Oh Nutsa. I’ll miss you most of all.

And that’s all, friends! I hope you all loved this season as much as I did! (what, did I seem like I didn’t or something?). I hope our gang enjoys their money, and that they remember the taxes are a b*tch!

Images: MTV (2); Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Some People Just Don’t Like Peaches

Hello and welcome back to the few of you that have stuck around this long! Since it’s the penultimate episode (I pray), here’s a quick refresher of what’s happened so far this season in case you’ve been blacking out during the episodes: two couples have found their perfect match, Bria has put a curse on any girl who thought about Zak, Zak continues to bang anything in front of him, no one else knows what they’re doing, and I had a better chance at winning Mega Millions than they do of figuring this out in two weeks. Oh yeah, and last week we ended with Kwasi having a meltdown in the lap of a producer/bunny rabbit. Let’s begin!

It seems Kwasi survived, because we open on the morning, everyone tucked into their floor mattresses snug as a bug in a rug. Bria says that Jasmine kissing Cam “set Kwasi back a few steps.” By that does she mean he became a violent psychopath over one minor indiscretion? Because then I’d have to agree. Meanwhile, Kwasi has decided he’s done with Jasmine, and that Nutsa is really his match. While I don’t blame him for being into Nutsa, God’s gift to Are You The One, does he really think that after last night’s absolute emotional and physical meltdown she’s gonna be into it?

Outside, Andrew has pulled Cali aside because he’s actually trying hard to make new connections, but is still not trying hard enough with his sunscreen application. They seem to like each other fine, but I guess we’ll really know how much Cali likes him if she grinds on him at the next luau.

Then Brett pulls Bria aside, I guess because he’s always wondered what it would be like to have his liver cut out with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. Our poor, precious Nutsa is watching from afar, wondering what she did wrong. Nothing, Nutsa! You are perfect just as you are!

Inside, Daniel tells Sam he doesn’t think they are a perfect match because he has exes just like her. I’m sorry Daniel, but did you not see that Kenya’s perfect match and her ex were actually identical twins separated as babies, sent to live with different parents, only to discover each other’s existence years later at summer camp? So I don’t think you can rule anyone out just because they’re like your ex. MTV is not working that hard, bro.

Brett tells Nutsa he’s going to sit with Bria at the match up ceremony “not because she’s ahead,” but to switch it up.

It’s time for the match-up ceremony, so the boys have pulled out their best skinny jeans and they’re ready to start picking.

It’s at this point that Maria, who has not been in the house since like WEEK 2, decides to call out the random couples. Um hi, but do you even know what’s going on in the house? Aren’t you busy plotting ways to get away from Shamoy by now? And then OF COURSE, Zak takes it upon himself to call out the “double standard” that he claims makes him out to be a villain, but when Jasmine kisses someone else on a date she’s just “playing the game.” Well first of all, how dare you. Second of all, you did that like 80 times this season Zak so it’s just a weeee bit different. And third of all, Ted Bundy also claimed he was unfairly accused and we all know how that ended. Look, I’m not saying Zak reminds me of one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, but I’m not not saying that, ya know?

AND THEN Zak says, “Kwasi just thinks Nutsa’s the better version of Jasmine.” Because he hasn’t made enough girls in this house cry yet. You’ve got one more week Zak, can you collect them all?!

It’s at this point Papa T and his floral shirt tells the gang he is disappointed in everyone beefing with each other, but after seeing their faces fall, he reminds them that they can still win! All they need is a little encouragement and to cheat as much as humanly possible. (Okay that last part was me).

It’s time for the beams. Let’s see if these dummies can light it up! Lol and they can light it up but only dimly, because once again they only get four beams. When they don’t win this million dollars, can MTV throw me some of their leftover cash? I think I deserve it for watching this entire dumpster fire of a season.

Back at the house, people are not pleased.

Kwasi and Andrew rn:

Yes, that’s the way to find your perfect match. Terrify everyone so much that they don’t want to be near you.

After the rage portion of the evening has passed, our gang gets in a kumbaya circle and starts talking about everything that’s wrong with them. Hi guys! I’ve been doing that for you all season! Y’all should’ve learned to read and then I could have really saved you a lot of trouble.

Okay actually this circle is a little bit sad, and I don’t appreciate MTV serving me this realness rn. It’s not as fun to mock someone when you know they were abused as a child. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, PRODUCERS. Brb, I’m about to go do some emotional eating about other people’s problems. Who knew I was so empathetic?

Papa T shows up overjoyed that he’s almost made it to the end of his time introducing a big red button to a group of 20-something alcoholics. It’s time to figure out who’s going on the dates. This week, fate has decided to send Moe, Brett, Nutsa, and Lauren on a date so magically Hawaiian, it will be a real authentic experience they could have nowhere else.

Oh wait, they’re going jet skiing. I’m concerned for Nutsa’s safety, and rightfully so since she injures herself almost immediately. Like the f*ckboy gentleman he is, Brett gives her a ride on his jet ski. Not a euphemism.

During the hangout portion of the date, Brett promises Nutsa that he’s not going to hold back anymore. So now I’m obviously convinced they’re not a match. Anyone wanna bet?

Back at the house, the crew reconvenes to find out who is going in the truth booth. Papa T tells them “time is officially beginning to run out,” which is also what my OBGYN says to me everytime I visit her and it leaves me totally not stressed at all. Not even a little bit panicked. Completely fine. So I’m sure our gang feels the same.

And the crew has voted Brett and Nutsa into the truth booth! Jasmine says if they’re not a match it will really make her lose faith in that million dollars. Oh honey, you should have lost faith in that money the second Zak walked in the door, swinging his d*ck at anything that was remotely human-shaped. That’s on you.

And once again, we’re left on a cliff hanger! It’s like MTV is DARING ME to burn down their headquarters in a white rage. Next week is it you guys, so we’ll find out if Brett and Nutsa are a match, and if the whole damn crew can manage to come up with their perfect matches with money on the line. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and the hellmouth will finally swallow them up. See you all next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: I Know Where You Live

All right people, we’re back at it for another week! And by back at it, I mean our gang of lovable losers is blacking out and hooking up, and I’m trying not to get any potato chips on my computer. Thus far I’ve been successful, but the keys are greasy. Let’s begin!

Oh yes!! The “previously on” segment reminds me that we were left hanging last week. We’re waiting to see if the strategy devised by a girl who called Brett by the name of Zak for an entire argument worked. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of faith.

And the gang gets four beams! Which means that Cali’s strategy did actually kind of work. But it also proved that she picked the wrong person as her perfect match, so I stand by my earlier statement that implied she was a dummy. So let’s break down what this actually tells us: Cam and Kayla are not a match, and Cali and Tomas are not a match. And Tevin and Kenya might still be. I’m not sure what else it tells us, though, because I guess I’m a dummy too.

Kenya and Tevin are feeling real smug about this outcome right now, and it’s making them about 900% more annoying than they usually are. Fun!

Cam and Kayla go outside to figure out what this means for them. They are sad. Cam says he told Kayla things he never told anyone else, and I’m betting it’s definitely about what happened in the basement during rush. They decide they’re going to stay together as a couple but also play this game. So like, what does that mean? Can he get a blowie or nah?

Back inside, Morgan is pissed at Zak. He promises not to kiss other people anymore. LOL his promises are worth about as much as Morgan’s hair extensions. 

Outside, Cali and Tomas are talking about how they’re not a match. Here’s how it goes.

Tomas: I’m so sad I don’t know how I can carry on

Kwasi, Daniel, and Lewis decide to pull Moe aside and tell him he needs to start stepping up and looking for his match. Okay, but collectively between these guys, we have one that’s hooked up with Samantha and one that got his d*ck sucked by Kenya and THAT’S IT. So we’re not really talking to the love experts over here. Moe decides he’ll pursue Kayla, and I’m already worried for him because she’s over in the corner, breasts being peppered with kisses from Cam, undeterred by the fact they’re not a match. Sweet, sweet Moe. I fear you’re about to get your heart broken.

Sam sets up a scavenger hunt for Daniel and it’s flashing me back to my sorority days when I would show up at chapter, make fun of everyone, and then not participate in dumbass activities like these! Enjoy, Daniel!

Daniel is getting a little thrown off since the cameraman is following him. Yes, Daniel. That’s what’s been happening for the last few weeks, ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?! How much has he been drinking? This scavenger hunt shockingly leads Daniel to the bedroom where Sam is waiting for him, dressed as a dominatrix who is attracted to sweaty, smelly men.

Papa T shows up, so you know what time it is. No, not time for a stern lecture about getting their grades up, but time for fate to f*ck some more sh*t up. Fate chooses Tevin and Kwasi and to everyone’s SURPRISE, Kenya and Morgan. How LUCKY! She always lands on the couples they want! If this is how fate works, I’m taking her to Vegas and treating her to the penny slots. Mama needs a new car!

Papa T announces that they will be ATV’ing for the date but then announces a surprise that he’s throwing the crew A PARTY! Wait, was this not a party all along? Was this a medical conference? Why do they pretend that something they do every night is special? Oh I’m sorry, now that I see them getting ready I realize that a party means more glitter. I’d also say maybe they oil themselves up, but I’m looking at Daniel, and we all know from Sam he is a SWEATY MAN so perhaps it’s just his natural juices.

Okay things are getting very soft-core porn-y at this party. Is this what Papa T intended? I would think he’d be very disappointed in all the genital-to-genital contact going on here.

Kwasi and Jasmine, with an assist from tequila, are starting to really get along.

Cam is a hot commodity at his party, apparently his dance moves are really turning the ladies on. Also he’s very sweaty so everybody keep Samantha away!

Cali is also getting her freak on and attracting the attention of, you guessed it, ZAK!! That motherf*cker who just promised Morgan he wouldn’t make out with anyone else. THAT VERY SAME ONE. He starts telling Cali she could be his match and trying to get her to make out with him!!! Morgan overhears all of this and has finally decided to stop being Zak’s doormat in and confronts him saying “So you’re saying Cali’s what you need, not me?!”

Me rn:

And guys, it gets BETTER!! Nutsa is cracking me up right now! Yelling “Morgan! Love yourself b*tch! Nobody else is going to do it for you!” all the while grinding up on some dude. Multi-tasking! I’m legit recording that and playing it for myself any time I’m feeling down. And you know what, Nutsa’s voice is actually growing on me. It’s kind of endearing.

Morgan is done with Zak, and I am SO GLAD. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Zak will f*ck whatever is in front of him. Hide your dogs! Hide your sandwiches!

Guys, I appreciate Moe so much. He is really trying! And he’s been so nice to Kayla.

Daniel and Cali start dry humping on the dance floor, so I’m sure Sam’s earrings are gonna be coming off soon for a fight. Oh! No they’re not. She’s crying! Now I feel bad. How dare that sweaty man treat her like this?!

Oh WAIT! The earrings have come off! Sam is confronting Cali and poses the age-old question: “Do you think it’s okay to rub your vagina on my guy’s d*ck?!” Unfortunately Sam, I think the answer to that is yes, because she was just doing it. For a while, actually.

Okay I’m starting to think Papa T threw this party and he knew just what would happen. Perhaps he’s less wholesome than he lets on. Because DAMN people are freaking out left and right. Now Tevin is flirting with Jasmine. Did they spike all the drinks with Viagra or something?? Because all the dudes be thinking with their d*cks tonight. And now Kenya is upset.

We’ve finally made it to morning and the glitter survived, but dignity, livers, and relationships did not. But it’s time for our daters to ATV! Hopefully none of them have the spins!

On the date, Tevin and Kenya establish they still like each other. Great. Moving on. It’s time to decide who’s going in the truth booth. And it’s Tevin and Kenya! Why do I get the very bad no good terrible feeling that they are going to leave me on cliffhanger? Don’t do me like that, Terry!

Annnnnnd I was right! I’m boycotting! I’m never watching this show again. GET A NEW RECAPPER. Okay fine, I’m being dramatic but oh hey hi MTV publicist that sends me these episodes early, can I get next week’s real quick?

Well that was a wild ride, and a really fun episode. See all you peeps next time, and I hope that you all remember this week to love yourself, b*tch!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Why Is Bria In Charge?

How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome back for another beautiful week of watching degenerates that MTV found passed out on a public bathroom floor make fools of themselves on TV. Look, I know I’m hard on these guys, but I will say that it is nice to break up my string of Dick Wolf shows with this train wreck. There’s only so much child murder I can watch before I need a little drunken debauchery palette cleanser, am I right? And on that note, let’s begin!

Right away we are reminded that Lewis told Asia that he’s not attracted to her. She declares she’s done with him, but she hadn’t previously gotten any of his not-so-subtle hints (aka having another girl suck his d*ck) that he wasn’t that into her, so who can say if this will stick, really?  

In all seriousness though, I feel bad for both of them. Asia obviously liked Lewis so it sucks to hear that someone isn’t attracted to you, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. And Lewis was actually pretty straight-up with Asia AND was still trying to get to know her in case she was his match, even though she physically makes him about as excited as stale rye bread. Damn, if there weren’t nine other people still there for each of them to bang, I’d be feeling real depressed right about now.

Okay Cali calling herself a “power couple” right now with a dude that couldn’t even get it up for her and is wearing the same ripped skinny jeans I got at Anthropologie last week is KILLING ME. This is apparently enough for us, ladies. I swear 2018 gave us all lobotomies.

Over in the pool, Brett is still mourning the loss of what could have been with Cali.

Brett: I’m so sad about Cali
Brett to Nutsa

Back on the couch, Zak, Morgan, and Morgan’s rogue weave are making out. But apparently this is too “boring” for Zak, who prefers drama in a relationship. You know what, let the boy have his drama, I say! Let him be verbally assaulted. Let him get 175 drunken late night phone calls. Let him be strangled slowly in what Bria will later claim was a consensual sexual encounter. It’s what he deserves. And then at least this dumbass will finally be out of my face.

And like the bottom-feeding leech she is, Bria notices Zak’s “boredom” and decides to stir the pot. TBH I would think this was all pretty hilarious if I wasn’t so sure that this was going to turn into an episode of Snapped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s house gets burned to the ground.

Over on the floor full of mattresses, Nutsa and Brett decide to finally relieve the sexual tension by hooking up next to Jasmine’s head. Which is the most action she’s gotten since that Tevin paint night, so I’m sure she’s not complaining.

We’ve made it to morning and Asia is making what looks like delicious cinnamon rolls. Lewis! Get her back while you can! Do you really need to be sexually attracted to someone, or can you take the good stuff from a relationship and ignore the rest? If Melania can do it, so can you!

In the bathroom, Nutsa reveals to Jasmine that she sucked Brett’s d*ck last night and like, duh she already knows, Nutsa. You got a little spit in her hair. Nutsa is very proud of herself and thinks that they should all be sucking more d*ck on this show. I’m sure the men would not disagree.

Papa T enters the building and reminds our contestants that they are about as good at this game as my CEO is at not commenting on female employees’ “figures”. He has decided that they’re going to switch up they way they pick dates YET AGAIN because no one at MTV thought out how terribly f*cking insane this fate button idea was and now they’re trying to backtrack as much as possible without admitting they were doing lines of coke during the pre-show meetings. So today fate will choose the women, and then the women will choose the men. Can they choose mozzarella sticks instead? Asking for a friend.

Fate chooses Nutsa and Bria, and somehow Bria convinces everyone that Brett and Zak should go on the date with them. Damn! The devil works hard, but Bria works harder. Meanwhile, Brett is freaking out and telling Asia he doesn’t think Nutsa is his match and to “get the house under control.” GREAT, BRETT. That’s Information that would have been useful to them YESTERDAY.

It also seems they got one over on Papa Terry who I expected to be VERY disappointed in this manipulation, but he seems to have no idea what’s going on. The showrunners must have passed him some of their drugs.

Our crew is canoeing on the date, and Nutsa likes it because it was so beautiful and romantic in The Notebook. You know, the movie where they both die in the end. Oh sorry, was that a spoiler?!

Just leaving this here to remind you that NONE of these dudes will ever be Ryan Gosling. And don’t you forget it, Zak.

On the date, Nutsa and Zak break off on their own to chat, but then SOMEHOW Bria and Zak get to hang out as well. Where did Brett go? Did they make him stay in the canoe and think about what he’s done? Bria and Zak start making out. Ya know, I used to wonder what Zak saw in Bria, but now I don’t anymore. I’ve decided I don’t think Zak sees anything in anyone. I think if a wall tried to make out with him he would do it. Until he decided that wall was too drama-free for him and the other wall started giving him the eye so he went to make out with that one. AND SO ON AND SO ON UNTIL WE ALL DIE.

Finally Brett gets some time to hang out with Nutsa and he uses it to tell her he thinks she’s hot but not deep. Maybe you just weren’t listening while you sprayed champagne on her tits, huh Brett? Anyways, Nutsa decides to open up to Brett a lot and tells him that her parents came over when she was 12 and sacrificed everything for her. She doesn’t say where they came from, but I can only imagine it was Whoville.

Back at the house Papa T asks how the date was. Brett and Nutsa are glowing and now everyone at the house is pissed because he told them not to put them in the truth booth together. And it looks like his subterfuge worked, because the house picked Nutsa and Zak to go in the truth booth.

Zak and Nutsa are not a match! How long until the mob kills Brett? 30 seconds, you think?

Okay so it has officially become the week in the show where someone decides they need to go week by week and figure out who sat together. A tip for next season’s cast: why don’t you start this strategy as soon as you get there? Just spitballing ideas here!

The next day Cali gathers the crew around and tells them her strategy. She basically suggests splitting up the “power couples” to see who the beams really were. Again, I love that they continue to call themselves “power couples” as if they are Beyoncé and Ja- Z and not just two drunks from Florida with GED’s.

We’ve made it to the match-up ceremony and it’s the guys’ week to choose. Let’s see how this one goes.

Papa T calls Zak down and asks him how the date went with Bria. Zak, you might as well just cut off your own balls now, because if you answer this question someone’s gonna do it. Like the dummy he is, Zak admits he made out with Bria and honestly he’s just lucky that Morgan doesn’t carry around a rusty spoon in that crop top. Because then he picks her as his match. Such a lucky girl!!

It’s at this point in the match-up ceremony that Cali proudly declares there’s a strategy to this madness, and Terry is not pleased. He doesn’t want them to use strategy, he wants them to play with their hearts! I don’t know why he keeps saying this. They are playing with their hearts! They’re just at a disadvantage because their hearts are weighed down by tequila. Tequila hearts are dumb hearts.

Now it’s time to see how many beams they get and Papa Terry reminds them if they’re right they could win One! Million! Dollars! That’s cute, T. But they won’t get this right and they’re never winning a million dollars. And if they do, it’s actually a million dollars divided by 22 divided by taxes divided by whatever they owe their drug dealers. They’ll have enough left for a pack of gum. Moving on!

And the crew gets one beam! And then they leave us on that cliffhanger, because it’s not bad enough that I just ate all the chocolate chip cookies left in my cabinet on what my enemies are calling national boyfriend day, but now I have to wait to see if Cam and Kayla will get to be together forever. Papa Terry, can you PLEASE give MTV a stern lecture for me? See you all next week!

Images: Giphy (3)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: He’s Just Not That Into You

Welcome back, fellow masochists! We’ve survived to see another week of Are You The One?, but has Cam survived Kwasi’s attack? Let’s check back in with our favorite semi-lovable losers!

We figuratively jump right back in to Kwasi literally jumping on Cam. The guys break up the fight, and Cam’s body thankfully remains unharmed, but unfortunately it appears at some point the sleeve monster did get to his shirt. Bria, always the voice of reason, walks Kwasi out of the room while the men continue to scream at each other.

Kayla is upset because Kwasi was basically saying he just wants to bang her. Oh honey, it’s 2018. If a man hasn’t degraded you to the point of tears, are you even alive?

GUYS. Bria telling Kwasi to calm down and that his mom wouldn’t want to see him acting like this is making me lol. Am I taking crazy pills?!

Me rn:

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM, BRIA?! Perhaps you should have thought of this little tidbit before you screamed at Morgan, nearly beat the door down of the confessional, verbally assaulted Zak, stared maniacally at Morgan while vowing revenge, etc, etc, etc. I could go on but they actually do expect me to do work at my day job.

Cam comes back into the house and tells Kayla he just couldn’t stand for the way Kwasi was talking about her. Is it just me or is the Trump supporter turning out to be the most decent guy in the house? Of course by “decent” I mean “doesn’t treat women his own personal sex toy,” but still. 

It’s the next morning. Samantha and Asia go out to the water to talk about Lewis, on whom Asia is still crushing from back in the “Kenya topped him off” days.

Sam to Asia: You guys are clicking
Sam to the camera:

In the glam room, Moe is blow-drying his beard and telling Lauren he just doesn’t think he’s connecting with anyone in the house, but he is learning how women want to be treated. Oh, Moe. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Go show off that freshly blow-dried beard and get yourself a girl! Lauren, clearly having drank the fate Kool-Aid, says it will happen if it’s meant to be. FYI Lauren, MTV doesn’t pay you more for agreeing with their dumb ideas.

Sidenote: Maybe next year they should get a therapist or relationship expert into the house to help these morons out? Because I don’t think telling people who are bad at love to try harder is working. I would know, it’s only what every single person I turn to for advice says.

Tomas takes Cali outside for a little picnic, and if he thinks that’s going to make her forget that he couldn’t get it up, he’s going to need a lot more alcohol.

In the hot tub, a bunch of the cast is hanging out and Tevin and his soulful eyes ask Brett who he thinks his match is. He thinks it could be Nutsa. But he admits he’s not over Cali, and the camera pans to him longingly gazing at Tomas cupping Cali’s ass in the outdoor shower. Dun dun dun.


Outside playing cornhole (not a euphemism), Asia straight-up asks Lewis if he sees her just as a friend. He says “I’m trying to find a word other than friend.” I believe the word you are searching for is “girl I’m stringing along until someone better offers to suck my d*ck.” You’re welcome.

Terry strolls on into the family room because it’s time to push that big red fate button. But! Papa T is so proud of the work they did last week, he has a surprise for them. Fate only gets to choose the guys for the date. Then the guys get to choose the girls they want to take. TBH I think “Fate” might do a better job, but okay Papa T, let’s try it your way.

Fate chooses Brett and Moe. Moe chooses Kayla, and I’m praying all the “tips” Lauren gave him help his game on this date. Brett picks Cali because he wants another chance to try and bang her to see if they’re a match.

For today’s date our motley crew is going out on a catamaran. So basically they just took their binge drinking out on the water. They see some dolphins and now I feel even sadder for Nutsa that Brett didn’t pick her because it seems she speaks their language. I think we’ve figured out the origin of Nutsa’s annoying voice. She’s clearly half dolphin.

On the date, Moe is really heaping the praise on Kayla and when she tells him she’s serious about Cam and isn’t interested in him he doesn’t even say “You’re fat anyways. I never really even liked you, b*tch,” which is a refreshing change from the usual way some men respond to rejection. Totally hypothetical!

After the date, Terry comes back and asks them how it went and Kayla has an orgasm when describing what it was like seeing dolphins. Moe mentions that Kayla has her heart set on Cam, and he respects that. Lewis says that Moe is just a body and isn’t making any attempt to get to know anyone. Um, exsqueeze me? Is that not the pot calling the kettle just a body? It’s like this guy gets one blow job and he acts like he’s gonna single-handedly win them a million dollars. Lewis, my opinion of you is falling fast. It’s then revealed that the group picked Brett and Cali to go into the truth booth.

And they’re not a match! Damn, these people are as bad at this game as I am at actually starting my diet on Monday.

Now it’s time for the match-up ceremony, and it’s a week for the girls to pick. As Bria kindly reminds us, they did a sh*t job of it last time.

Papa T calls Asia up. She’s pissed because Lewis lays next to her every night, which stops other guys from hitting on her, but he doesn’t actually do anything with her.

Asia, let me repeat it a little louder for the people in the back:

Papa Terry calls up Jasmine and Moe and tells them to “step into his office.” Such a dad joke.

And it’s time for the beams of light. The group gets four beams, the same as they did last week. Papa Terry is not mad, he’s just disappointed. It’s time for them to buckle down and find the rest of these matches. He sends them back to the house to really think about what they’re doing here.

Back at the house, Brett and Kenya are telling Lewis he needs to sh*t or get off the pot with Asia. Asia decides she needs a straight answer and pulls him aside.

Asia: Do you like me or nah

Well, we all saw that coming, but Lewis, you suck. Asia, you are more beautiful than Cinderella, you smell like pine needles, and your face is like sunshine. And you’re only a little bit of a bully. Don’t let this d-bag get you down.

And that’s all for this week, folks! I’ll see you again this time next week to talk more sh*t on people I don’t know!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: A Match Made in Hell

We’re back this week with another episode of Are You The One: When Will Bria Make Her Kill, and it’s a double episode! Lucky for those of us who watch this show to feel better about our own bad decisions, more work for those of us who have to recap this show. Can’t wait! Let’s dive in to the Are You The One recap.

The episode begins as our unlucky in love-rs traipse back to the house to dramatic and depressing music, their two pathetic beams looming heavy behind them and on their hearts. The group calls for a “family meeting” and I’m not sure if you should call the group of people you’re banging family. That’s only legal in a few states, and I don’t think Hawaii is one of them.

The group immediately starts ganging up on Zak and Morgan; apparently no one believes they’re a match. Bria’s mind control is working! What kind of sorcery is this? The group disperses, having come to no real conclusion other than the fact that Lewis needs some Gatorade.

Out back, Kenya and Lewis are talking to Bria and trying to convince her to get Zak back. Damn, Lewis, you are shady. “Just as fast as she got him, you can get him right back.” Not saying I didn’t say this same thing to my distraught friend when convincing her to crash her ex’s wedding, but still.

Kayla and Cam sit down and he starts telling her he has reservations. CAM! Am I going to have to take back all of the nice things I said about you last week? I’ll do it. I will. Okay, let’s see why he thinks they aren’t a match. She doesn’t like the ocean and he does. LOL. She gets motion sickness easily, and he likes to drive. LOL. She doesn’t like Donald Trump and he does. Oh. Okay. So that one could legit cause some big problems. HUGE.

Over in the kitchen, Andrew and Lauren seem to be getting along. He tells her he only wants one wife. And also a motocross bike. Okay Andrew, this isn’t a f*cking Christmas list. Take that one up with Santa at a later date. He should also add sunscreen to that list because he still hasn’t figured out how not to get burnt. SPF 50 pls, Santy!

OMG Lauren just asked Andrew if he could go for a blonde and he told her “absolutely, my mom is blonde.”

Lauren and all of America:

It is literally still nighttime, and now the crew has moved to the pool and is playing a friendly game of truth or dare. Cali dares Nutsa to play “nervous” which apparently is a game where you grab a guy’s d*ck? I don’t get the point. Do I need to call HR? Anyway, she chooses to grab Daniel’s. Samantha is not pleased. She starts yelling at Daniel and telling him it was disrespectful for him to let another girl grab his d*ck in front of her. I mean that’s fair, but like, you’re on an MTV reality show where you basically have to hook up with multiple people to win, so the normal rules of etiquette don’t really apply.

We have finally made it to morning and the cast is hanging out in the water. I guess Lewis can’t swim, since he’s wearing a life preserver. Maybe they should have given that to Kwasi last week for his surfing date? Unless they wanted him to drown?

Nutsa seems to have decided that her voice is not annoying enough, so she decides to physically assault her crush Brett with a pillow and with her body. Then she decides to chase him. It’s like watching a hamster finally get free from its cage.

Cam and Cali are openly flirting, and it’s causing Kayla enough distress that she has to go talk to herself in the mirror and cry in her bed. Dramatic much? I call that a Tuesday night.

Terry shows up and reminds everyone of his girlfriend, the beautiful fate button. It’s time to choose some people for dates! Fate chooses Zak, Daniel, Bria, and Asia and I guess Bria’s mind control extends to the fate button as well. The house breaks out into applause because they are afraid Bria will hurt them if they don’t clap want to find out if Zak and Bria are a match.

Kayla and Kwasi start vibing and I’m happy for her because I don’t want to see her crying in her bed again. Put yourself out there, Kayla! There are 9 other men in this house that will eventually dump you the second someone hotter comes along.

Okay, Samantha sits down with Daniel and I just had to listen to like, a solid three minutes of her saying she doesn’t trust him and he hasn’t earned her trust and affection for her to then go into the boom boom room with him. Next time spare me the bullsh*t foreplay and let’s get right to it.

Moving on to the date, our couples are going dune buggy-ing. Zak decides to take the wheel instead of Bria, which I think is the safest choice for all involved. They’re taking them on a road, though—I thought these were for off-roading? Does one often encounter dunes on the highway? Our daters pull their buggys up to the coffee shop for the rest of date. So their date is literally a pit stop I made before work this morning. MTV is really forking over the big bucks this season.

Over their lattes, Zak tells Bria that he’s surprised that they were able to pick it right back up and he could see why they might be a match. DUDE! Never before in my life have I seen someone so easily distracted by what’s in front of them. Wait, I lied.


Zac and Bria make out. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. If this isn’t a case of thinking-with-your-d*ck-itis, I don’t know what is.

Back at the house, Terry shows up to earn that minimum wage paycheck. Zak and Bria tell the house that they kissed and Morgan is sad. Don’t worry, Morgan! Once he sees you and remembers you he’ll make out with you too!

Samantha calls out Zak for being a d*ck in front of Morgan. In the interview room she says this about Zak and Bria, “They literally both don’t care how other people feel so maybe they are a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell.” Truer words have never been spoken, Sam. We applaud you and we thank you.

As expected, Zak and Bria were voted into the truth booth. They both are confident that they’re a match. They should be as confident in their relationship as I am in the MTA’s ability to get me anywhere on time except into an early grave.

And LOL they’re no match. Literally I’ve never been happier to see two people so upset. You would murder each other, you f*cking morons!! Not even the devil would match you up because he doesn’t want to see Bria in hell any earlier than he has to!

Morgan rn:

Told You

Bria is sobbing and Zak tells the camera he needs to move on. LOL what a douche. I’m going to set his house on fire.

Naturally, Bria comes back looking for a fight. I’m sorry, a debate. She was on the debate team, y’all remember? Immediately she moves on Kwasi, who told them that they suck when they returned from the truth booth. Zak immediately ditches. LOL what a douche. Bria is screaming at Kwasi, so naturally he gets heated. God, Bria, have you heard of a joke? Did they not teach you about those in the hellmouth you crawled out of?

Now Asia is jealous that Bria gets to do all the debating so she decides to start sh*t with Nutsa when our poor little hamster friend just wanted to get some food! I literally do not even know what this fight is about. GOD where does MTV find these people?? I honestly think that they go to the trashiest bar in Tampa, find the girl that just punched another girl, walk right up to her and say “hey, wanna be on our dating show?” Bria, let me know if I’m right.

Moe is turned on by Asia’s bullying, so he follows her outside to tell her he’ll always be there for her. You say that now, Moe, but just you wait until one day you are just walking to the kitchen to get food and she jumps down YOUR throat.

SHOCKER! Zak wants Morgan back. He pulls her aside and says he doesn’t want to be with Bria and he’s actually into Morgan.

Zak: So what are we?

Zak! You’re the worst!

Bria sees them talking and strolls out hand in hand with Kwasi. I guess they’ve made up. Kwasi finally calls Zak out in front of both Bria and Morgan and asks him who he would want to pursue a relationship with outside the house. He panics. Might I remind you, he LITERALLY JUST TOLD MORGAN HE DIDN’T WANT TO DATE BRIA.

Zak finally decides that since he already knows he’s not a match with Bria, he’ll say Morgan. Bria loses her sh*t and gives them all a lecture, telling them they’re not better than her. Oh, Bria. Honey. I know a cockroach that’s better than you.

Zak and Morgan take it to the boom boom room for one last f*ck before Bria kills them. Morgan! For shame. Missionary with the lights off is not worth your dignity.

Inside, Cali and Cam are talking. He tells her he likes her because she’s “nature girl” and he’s “nature boy.” OH REALLY. Why do I get the sense that Cam’s idea of exploring nature is drinking a Natty Light in his backyard with his bros?

We’ve finally made it to the matchup ceremony and it’s a guys night to pick. They decide to go with their hearts instead of with strategy because last week strategy didn’t work. I wonder if anyone took a minute to think perhaps they just came up with a bad strategy? No? So just me then? Cool.

Okay am I missing something? Where’s Daniel? And Bria? They’re sitting next to each other but they never showed him picking her. Why didn’t he pick Sam? I’M SO CONFUSED. It’s like he wants his d*ck cut off.

The group gets four beams! Papa Terry is proud and this week he tells them to go take a shot for him. Oh they will Terry, they’ll each take nine of them.

Back at the house, Cali reminds everyone that only two couples repeated tonight and it was her and Tomas and Morgan and Zak, which means that only one of them is a perfect match. Cali and Tomas are convinced it’s them and that’s enough to get them to the boom boom room, but apparently not enough for Tomas to get it up.

Back outside, Kwasi and Kayla are talking and Cam is shocked. YOU TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE A MATCH! Of course she is talking to someone else! And now you’re jealous? That’s not how it works.

Cam pulls Kayla aside and he tells her he doesn’t want to be made a fool of. This conversation basically goes nowhere and Cam goes back into the house to confront Kwasi, who quickly turns into Kwasi Beast and throws himself across the room to attack Cam. We end the episode with the guys holding Kwasi back and me imagining the tongue lashing they’re going to get from Papa T.

See you all next week!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: It’s Time To Get Morgan Some Security

Hello, Are You the One? Nation! Huh, that wasn’t quite as catchy as Bachelor Nation. Plus, way less people watch this show. Hello, Are You the One? Borough! Yes, yes, that’s right. We’ve made it to another week of our beloved show, and as you’ll recall, last week we were left on a cliffhanger. Will Tevin, Jasmine, and a vat of neon paint seal the deal? Let’s dive right in!

We open on a rainy morning, and honestly the weather for this retreat is not doing a whole hell of a lot to help out the Hawaii tourism bureau. I thought the weather there was always supposed to be sunny with a chance of piña coladas? Is that not right?

A bunch of the cast is sitting around in one tent talking about their exes. Cam is talking about how Kayla’s ex was a piece of woman-hating trash on steroids (I paraphrase) and that reminds me that last week in the comments someone mentioned I forgot to say how sweet Cam was to Kayla during that whole situation. And he was! I’m sorry I didn’t say it, sometimes I get so focused on writing mean things about idiots that I don’t write about the people that display general human decency. Snaps for Cam! And Cam, if you don’t find your perfect match, my girl It’s Britney, Betch is very into your fratty vibe so you might want to hit her up. There! My good deed for today. Moving on.

This is a nice supportive moment in the tent, and everyone is very sweet to one another and they are committed to working together and figuring this thing out. Obviously, Bria is not there.

Cut to Tevin and Asia doing yoga and talking about Kenya’s behavior with her ex. And by behavior, I mean supergluing her ass to his lap. Tevin says he’s afraid that Kenya will find out what happened between him and Jasmine, and I think that statement, along with the graphic footage from last week, pretty much confirms that the neon paint was used as lube last night. Tevin is set on separating from Kenya and I’m feeling very doubtful that will happen.

Back inside the tent, Bria, possessed by the devil and the souls of all the scorned women that came before her, is plotting her revenge on Morgan. She says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do yet, but it’s coming. I’m just going to take a wild guess and say it’s going to involve a meat cleaver, rope, duct tape, and bleach.  

Terry shows up and praises the cast for surviving this relationship rehab. I think he’s using the word “survive” very liberally but k, whatever. The good news is that he’s springing them from this monsoon and allowing them to return to the house. I bet they’ve never been so happy to return to their bare mattresses on the floor!

The crew gets home, and everybody immediately needs a shower, and then they have a taco party. I think this is what OJ did the first night he was released from prison, too. Nutsa keeps yelling “guys it’s taco Tuesday!” and now her voice has ruined tacos for me forever. I’m beginning to understand why she has not found love.

Kwasi eats his taco and then decides to stir up some sh*t. And not like Cali’s spicy poops kind of sh*t. He pulls Kenya aside to talk to her.

Kwasi: I don’t want to be a snitch…
Kenya: Tell me
Kwasi: Well since you twisted my arm, Jasmine sucked Tevin’s d*ck last night

Kenya is “disgusted” but seems to forget that the reason she didn’t know this happened was because she was temporarily indisposed cuddling up to Tevin’s doppelgänger! She straight-up asks Jasmine if she hooked up with Tevin last night and to her credit, Jasmine admits it right away. Then Kenya takes off to castrate Tevin. She finds him, and Lewis is lingering. She yells, “everyone get the f*ck away” and Lewis says, “I’m bored!” National. Treasure. If anyone deserves to get their d*ck sucked it’s this guy. Oh wait, Kenya already did that…

Tevin admits that he was hurt by the way Kenya was acting with her ex, and that’s why he hooked up with Jasmine. Kenya forgives him and now I just feel bad for Jasmine, who quickly became a pawn in the sick game of two people who will ultimately have multiple pregnancy scares and then break up, perhaps with police intervention.

We switch over to Zak and Morgan, who are sitting outside and listing the things they know about each other. Apparently both of them work for marketing agencies. I’m sure these marketing agencies are very proud of the talent they’ve churned out. Please say the company’s names so I never apply they can get credit. Zak and Morgan are so turned on by all this marketing talk they hightail it to the boom boom room.

The next morning, Terry shows up and reminds us of the fate button. Fate is feeling very left out after a week just sitting in the living room, not being able to ruin lives and pretend to make matches. So fate has taken revenge on the group and chosen Morgan, Kenya, Brett, and Kwasi. At least it spared us all from an extra five minutes of Nutsa’s voice. This week the group date is surfing. In Hawaii.

Kwasi does not know how to swim, and now I’m worried fate was intervening to cause his death do something else. That sneaky b*tch.

Kwasi is really into Morgan and tells her she’s beautiful. She doesn’t like him because he’s superficial. Well, he did spend significant amount of time on this date describing her “yummy physique,” so that’s a fair assessment.

Kenya and Brett think that they could be a match, but they don’t think they have a romantic spark. They also think they’re both hilarious, and to that I say, TELL ME A JOKE. Prove it! No one here has shown me any hilarity other than Lewis. I’m waiting.

Terry gathers the crew in the living room, and decides there isn’t enough blood on the carpet tonight, so he immediately asks Zak if he’s made any new connections. Zak starts gushing over Morgan, as Bria’s smile over in the corner chills me to the bone.

Terry then moves on to see who was voted into the truth booth, and the group has voted in Brett and Kenya. They head to the truth booth and we cut to commercial as our cast screams bloody murder, like they do every week. It means nothing. Well, it means nothing until the week Bria eventually decapitates Morgan.

And they are not a match! Kenya is crying tears of joy because this means she gets to go back to her man. You know, the one who got his d*ck sucked by another girl last night. She’s so lucky!

Me, interviewing Jasmine: How are you feeling right now Jaz?

After taking a few shots, Bria decides to confront Morgan. Personally, if I was going to commit murder, I’d want to be sober as to make sure I got away with it, but to each their stupid own. Instead of killing her, though, Bria decides to sit Morgan down and just tell her in her very best Liam Neeson revenge-thriller voice that she’s better than Morgan. Morgan says “k, cool, can I go now?” She is allowed to leave. This time…

The next day, Asia decides that she is the Rain Man of the house and is doing some serious strategizing ahead of the match up ceremony. I love the part of the season when people start trying to do math. It very rarely works, and more often than not, their heads explode.

Terry welcomes the crew to the match up ceremony and checks in with our only perfect match thus far, Maria and Shamoy. Shamoy says things are going well but other people need to find their matches so they can have “other people to kick it with.” AKA they f*cking hate each other already. No word on whether anyone has spilled on that white couch yet, unfortunately.

Terry calls up the ladies to choose.

Terry calls Morgan up. He asks her about Zak and then decides there’s not enough blood on his podium, so he asks Bria her thoughts. She calls Morgan a liar. Screaming commences. I drink wine and tune it out. I’ve had enough of this girl.  

Everyone is “locked in.” Words I’m sure they’ve all heard before while drying up in their local drunk tank. We wait an interminable amount of time for the beams. They don’t black out on beams, but I’m sure they’ll be able to accomplish that later with alcohol. The group only gets one additional beam, and Papa Terry is very upset. He tells them that tonight was trash. Hey! That’s my line!

Everyone walks away hanging their heads in shame. TBH they should be hanging their heads in shame more often on this show. That should be their default position. As the episode ends they all are headed to their timeout chairs that Papa Terry set up for them in the house as punishment for being stupid idiots that are dumb. See you next week!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Season 7 Premiere Recap: Somebody Please Check On Zak

Hello and welcome, fellow trash TV fans! I am your official Are You The One? recapper this season, and I could not be more delighted to watch 22 people systematically ruin their lives for 10 weeks. Let’s dive right in!

We start off with me realizing that we’re in for a two hour premiere. Who do they think they are? Bachelor in Paradise?  WHY GOD, WHY?! Sidenote: how many hours of reality TV can a person watch in one week before their brain atrophies? Asking for a friend!

The show begins with all of the beautiful tragic people rushing into the house, and I see they’re back in Hawaii this season. I guess no one had an outstanding warrant this year! Small blessings.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around who everyone is but I can’t get past Nutsa’s voice, you guys. Prediction: Drawn to the end of their rope by Nutsa’s voice, the entire cast commits suicide before the season ends, leaving our squeaky little princess to collect the full million dollar prize.

She is also introducing herself like this:

“My name is Nutsa, call me Nuts or Nutsack, I don’t care!” Nutsack, you should care. So very, very much.  But just for that I’mma call you Nutsack all season. You said I could!

I’m living for Kayla stuffing her face while Cam asks her questions. It’s important to fuel up before a night of making out with multiple dudes! Everyone knows that.

Kenya is wasting no time and is proud of it. She took a “tour of the house” with Lewis, was making out with Moe, and is “connecting” with Tevin. But hey! How will you know what you want if you don’t test out all the merchandise? At least that’s what I tell the guy at 16 Handles as he begrudgingly hands over another sample cup.

Okay this makeout session between Kenya and Tevin is aggressive and unnatural. Is that how young people kiss now?

Enter Zak. Zak is already forgetting women’s names and claiming that the incorrect name he just called them was a nickname. Soon he will start calling every girl “babe” because he can’t keep them all straight. Bria, girl, MAKE HIM CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME!

Uh-oh, Bria says that her friends and family would absolutely say she’s crazy. Well, duh. She’s looking for love on an MTV show. I’m pretty sure the “experts” they use to find the perfect matches are actually just monkeys dressed in suits randomly pressing buttons on a keyboard. What’s that saying about monkeys typing Shakespeare? I feel like that was the rationale behind the casting process.

Bria is immediately a self-fulfilling prophecy and basically threatens a murder-suicide if Zak gets with anyone else. Moments after this conversation, Zak looks longingly at Kayla gyrating on the floor and says “Bria’s sexy but there’s a lot of sexy here.” America’s single gentlemen, friends! Scoop ‘em up while you can!

Not shockingly, Bria can read lips and can tell Zak is talking about other girls’ asses and is pretty pissed. I’m just going to take this opportunity and probably many more to say I TOLD YOU all that Bria was going to be a psycho. I should have bet money on it, because my Seamless orders won’t pay for themselves.

Cut to Cam and Kayla. Cam is telling Kayla that she is a “naturally incredible girl,” Don’t you just love how fast and furious those compliments come on night one? Like, before they actually know each other? Cam, just you wait until you are living together with three babies and Kayla’s yelling at you because you “stayed late at work again” but all you can focus on is the spit up on her shirt. THEN tell me if you still think she’s a naturally incredible girl, k?

Cam reveals that he’s a Republican and lol Kayla says in such a sweet voice, “Donald Trump is just not the nicest person in the world.” TBH this is probably the best thing anyone has ever said about him on TV. Can she get a tweet, Donny?

Kenya is asking Tevin about his prior relationships while straddling him. “They were great, I didn’t cheat, can I put my d*ck inside you now?” – Tevin

Now we’re back to Bria fighting with Zak for looking at the other girls.

Bria: I don’t want to be possessive, I’m not going to hold anyone hostage.
Also Bria: 

Samantha conveniently points out, “If you meet someone and you’re already fighting on night one you’re probably not a match.” Samantha, you’re too smart for this show. Go home now and make something of yourself!

We’ve made it to the next day, and the host, Terrence J, shows up. Clearly MTV has not received my signed petition and low-key threats encouraging them to bring Ryan Devlin back. Cool. I’ll try harder next time.

Terrence J announces a change to the show and it’s called the fate button. LOL so cute. If there was such a thing as fate I’d already be married to Jake Gyllenhaal and living in a gorgeous loft in Soho rolling around in my money, but fine, I’ll play along.

The fate button is basically like a slot machine that matches people up on group dates. So the cast’s odds of finding love are basically the same as me winning the penny slots in Atlantic City. FYI I’ve never left AC with my money or dignity intact, so this isn’t looking like a super solid plan. Then the cast picks a couple from the group date to go into the truth booth.

So I guess this means there are no challenges this season? I swear, the producers are getting lazier and lazier. It’s like their bosses asked them to come up with this season’s challenges and they were like, “actually we have an idea. Let’s throw a ton of alcohol at the cast, put Adderall in candy bowls, and install a big red button in the living room and see what happens!”

Zak, Tomas, Cali, and Maria are selected for the group date. And the fate button is selected by Bria for total destruction.

On the date they get to swim with the dolphins. Fun fact: dolphins are the sexual predators of the sea. I read it on Page Six

Zak previously said he only had eyes for Bria, but his hand on Maria’s thigh tells a different story. Maybe it’s okay cause their names rhyme? He tells her that Bria “is just like all my exes.” They start making out, and I’M CALLING THE POLICE. Can we get this girl some security like ASAP?! I’m worried for her safety. Hopefully Cam brought his gun!

Tomas likes Cali because she’s not like the girls he meets in Miami. “She doesn’t have fake tits.” What a beautiful compliment. Tomas really knows how to flatter a girl. Cali seems understandably skeptical.

Back at the house, Tevin is telling Kenya about his bird tattoo. Apparently his sister has a similar tattoo, and his bird has a feather from her bird in its mouth. Is that a metaphor or does he just want part of his sister in his mouth? I feel icky.

No Ragrets

The crew convenes in the living room to see who is going to go into the truth booth. Zak admits that he and Maria kissed, and Bria is filled with blind rage but is holding it in to use as a weapon later.

Maria and Tomas were voted into the truth booth. TBH this whole new process makes no sense. How will they strategize (lol)? At least last season they could get people they thought were matches on dates and then vote them into the truth booth. This season it’s just super random, or excuse me, based on fate. Which I must repeat for the people in the back IS NOT REAL.

M & T hit up the truth booth which pretends it’s scanning them with lasers but I’m pretty sure that’s just an MTV intern behind them getting paid $9 an hour to wave some flashlights. 

They are not a match! Which makes complete sense because they were randomly selected to go on a date by a red button, and then chosen to go into the truth booth by people that were about five to seven drinks into their day. 

After the truth booth, everyone gets back to the task at hand—getting so drunk they bring shame on generations of their family that haven’t even been born yet. Jasmine expresses interest in Tevin. Kenya warns her to stay in her lane and says she knows how to keep her man. Then she promptly takes Tevin to the bathroom and bangs him. Never tried that tactic myself, but I’m sure that’ll get someone to stick around. At least for a few extra minutes!

Bria takes Zak outside to cut off his balls with a dull butter knife. She’s mad he made her look stupid. He apologizes because he didn’t realize that a girl he made call him “papa” last night could be that invested in him.

Daniel is finally getting some airtime, and I’m wondering how old he actually is. He said he likes all the girls, especially the ones with the “P-H-A-T Phat” booties. He also wants someone to “get jiggy with.” Now I’m convinced he’s not under 40.

Even though Daniel speaks like he’s Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, he still manages to get almost all the women to make out with him, even Kenya. Tevin and his beautiful eyelashes are sad to see this.

Terrence J welcomes everyone to the matching ceremony and explains the usual rules. If they get zero matches it’s a blackout and their money decreases by half. I hope these contestants can do math because that’s a big ol’ number.

It’s a guys night to pick.

After a pause longer than Tevin and Kenya’s bathroom rendezvous, the cast gets three beams and they go home to take shots in celebration, as one does. 

Bria and Zak wake up together in the morning and all seems to be well with crazy and her Papa.

I spoke too soon. Immediately after getting up, Zak is talking to Morgan and Bria loses it again. Seriously though, how has this girl not had a brain aneurysm yet? The amount of rage in this one episode alone has got to do some damage. Unless she doesn’t have a brain…

Lewis thinks Bria needs a chill pill, but I think she needs a horse tranquilizer as I watch her beat down the door to the confessional where Zak is getting cozy with Morgan. Once again, can I point you to my pre-season prediction on Bria?

Bria scares Morgan out of the confessional and she and Zak make up. Damn, Zak is some kind of kinky, huh? He is LIVING for this.

Zak:  Maybe I like crazy relationships.

Okay lol moments later Zak is trying to get into Nutsack’s pants by telling her that he regrets not saving himself for marriage. Sure, Jan. Let’s be real, the only thing you regret is that case of crabs you got.

Bria is literally breaking down to Morgan and telling her she doesn’t want to be portrayed as wild. But like, then why’d you beat down a door?

Another night, another party. Kwasi and Lewis decide the house needs to have a luau. So basically the same thing as last night, only they’re wearing leis with their lingerie. It’s v classy. 

Kenya is literally grinding on everyone. That’s the kind of freedom having blind parents will give you. You go, girl.

Zak and Nutsack start making out in the middle of the room, and Lewis is all of us when he panics and warns them that Bria is right there. I’ve never seen such terror on someone’s face like that before. 

^Lewis at this party rn

The episode ends with Bria drowning her enemies in her a river of her tears. And that’s all for this week!

Images: Giphy (5)