Hi, it’s me, Betch Waldorf, your recapper. Please hold the applause. Sorry for not posting a recap last week, but someone *cough, cough* MTV STUDIOS *cough* did not send me the episode in advance and your girl doesn’t have cable because I’m a refined human being that uses Netflix and illegal downloading exclusively.

Anyway, I’m going to combine last week’s and last night’s episode in one. Here we go.

LAST WEEK MINI RECAP

Guess what—Geles and Anthony are not a match. This comes as a shock to literally no one watching the show, but everyone on the show. Tyler literally said he would “bet his life on Geles and Anthony being a match” and look, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I’m here to collect.

Michael broke up with Keyana because she was acting like she was a second away from looking up body transfusion surgeries with him. She’s like “I don’t care about the money, I just want him.” If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of me loudly groaning at how stupid she is.

The girls go to pick at the match-up ceremony and they get a combined, wait for it, wait for it—one beam. I honestly think it takes hard work to be dumber than the posse of idiot men on the show, so really, great work to all involved. This shit right here is why we get paid 72 cents to every dipshit man’s dollar.

Mike tells Alivia he doesn’t see her and Kareem being a match, and Kareem loses his fucking mind. While he’s having a mental breakdown in the corner and about to tell Michael to “say hello to his little friend”, Zoe is like, “wow look how Kareem stands up for Alivia, I want that.”

Zoe’s strategy this game is to keep her standards super low and just leave them like that until like, she dies. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.

Also, Geles is low-key into Ethan now which like, THANK YOU #SomeoneLoveEthan

After the challenge, where MTV gets the house drunk and makes them do dumb shit (what, MTV?! Never! They would NEVER do that!!!), Nurys and Malcolm get called into the truth booth. They like, confess their love to each other after 14 days and off they go.

Okay I feel like that was substantial. Anyway, onto that new new shit.

THE TRUTH BOOTH CLIFFHANGER

Nurys and Malcolm are in the Truth Booth while DD is praying to her voodoo doll of Malcolm that they are not a match. Luckily for DD, we live in a world that’s going to shit and nothing makes sense anymore, so they aren’t a match.

Nurys and Malcolm start crying and DD’s like “Malcolm, you can cry on my shoulder!” The funny thing about her shoulder is it’s located on her vagina.

AT THE HOUSE

So can we talk about Shad? Let’s do it.

First of all, it’s like his parents wanted him to have an STD growing up, with the name Shad. Like, how can we make our kid INSTANTLY unlikeable? I know, let’s name him fucking Shad.

Second of all, Shad has lived up to my original analysis of being the dude at the frat party who asks you “who you know here” and the proceeds to give you raper face from across the room. Honestly, am I saying all of this because I hate his haircut? Possibly.

Shad’s talking to Alexis about her tattoos and she goes “this tattoo says ‘live free!’” So inspiring, I think to myself. “…And it’s about my cousin who murdered her best friend when she was 17.” AAAAAND we’re back.

Shad will literally do anything to have a semblance of a connection to a girl and he’s like “I too have a tattoo in homage to a murderer.” *whips out his Jeffrey Dahmer tattoo* Hey, Alexis and her family may be incestual murderers, but at least they fucking stand for the flag, dammit! This is America!!!!

Nurys thinks Malcolm will leave her for someone else and he’s like “Really?! You think I would do that?” Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Donald Trump bathe in self tanner?

Nurys doesn’t want to get to know any other dudes while Malcolm is like “we need to play the game… but I want you to have my babies.” Well, that escalated quickly.

Geles and Anthony are back on their bullshit and have sex, even though they aren’t a match and she’s with Ethan, DAMMIT. LOVE ETHAN.

Zoe and Keith, who both don’t seem like the sharpest crayons in the box, are talking strategy. LOL. Meanwhile, Alexis is stressed because she caught the feels for Keith, but I think she should be more worried about being shot at a family reunion.

Kareem decides to take Alivia fishing, because that’s not the most boring shit I have ever heard. Also, why do they get to leave the house? Why doesn’t ETHAN GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, HUH?

ME RN:

KAREEM: I have this great date planned! First, we’re going to watch paint dry. Then we’re going to sit in silence for an hour. So glad we met on this show, I really think the matchmakers got it right.

Kareem keeps complimenting Alivia and she’s like “I wonder why I like him!!!!” Yeah, huh, I wonder why. They both are like “I don’t want to give up this fling for money”—spoken like a true poor person.

Michael and Audrey are talking while Keyana is sobbing in the corner. Ethan is trying to comfort the crazy girl who is obsessed with a dude who looks like a young Mr. Incredible and I really feel like he’s doing his best.

REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:

MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Off the bat, Terrence J is wearing a sweater that look likes it came from a 90’s sitcom. I’m half expecting the background music to start playing—“in West Philadelphia, born and raised…” He starts asking everyone how they are doing and it’s like, aren’t you out past Uncle Phil’s curfew?

Malcolm’s up first and he and Nurys are like “we’re still together.” Everyone else is like, “the fuck you are.”

Malcolm picks Geles, which Nurys is thrilled about because she hates DD. Everyone else is like, “this is randoooooom.” Geles doesn’t comment, though, because she barely can see what’s going on through the shag carpet she calls eyelashes.

Malcolm reveals he doesn’t want to make Nurys mad by sitting next to DD.

@ Malcolm:

Michael picks Audrey, while Keyana is like “I would take a bullet for Michael!” Is there an on-set therapist?

Joe picks Zoe.

Kareem picks Alivia.

Tyler, who’s so deep in the friend zone it’s beyond repair, picks Nicole.

Dimitri picks Nurys.

Shad picks Keyana.

Ethan picks Alexis. Okay Ethan, I want you to find love, not end up 6 feet under with a possible meth addiction.

Clinton obviously picks Uche and Jada is still, obviously, still weirdly pissed about it.

Clinton’s like “Uche and I could go to church together.” Damn, and I thought fishing was bad. At least I know that fish are real and not some made-up shit from thousands of years ago. What? Who said that?

Anthony picks Jada. And Keith picks DD.

Honestly, this match-up makes zero fucking sense, which is probably why they only end up with two beams. Looooosaaaahs.

Malcolm goes to talk to DD and is like “I didn’t pick you because I didn’t want to look like a player.” DD is like “you should be with me because I can make you better.” Did you know that one of the D’s in DD’s nickname stands for desperate?

THE CHALLENGE

This time the girls get to do the challenge and if it’s anything like their match-up ceremony, it’s gonna be a bigger train wreck than the year 2017.

They all pair up into couples and the girls get asked trivia questions about the dudes. If they get it wrong, they get Mardi Gras powder in their face and are out. Last 3 couples standing get to go on a date.

Off the bat, Nurys immediately gets Anthony’s question wrong. Not shocked.

Alexis and Shad are out because he would rather be skinny than poor. Fuckin’ Shad.

Geles and Ethan make it in because LOVE ETHAN.

Malcolm shares that he has some fucking horrible taste in Batman preferences and everyone is furious. He gets out because he likes Ben Affleck more than Christian Bale and that literally makes no sense at all. Does anyone like Ben Affleck after the news this week?

Michael and Audrey are out. Womp womp. Well, at least they still have their white privilege.

Nicole gets asked “Would Dimitri rather live in the Midwest or Manhattan?” and she deadass doesn’t know the difference between Manhattan and the Midwest. One is the place you see represented in every movie ever, and the other is the place that swears to god that coal mining is making a comeback and still weirdly enough runs our country (shoutout to the Electoral College).

Keyana and Tyler are out, because obviously.

Uche and Clinton need to win so they can go on a date, and of course they fuck it up.

So, the couples are Ethan & Geles, Zoe & Keith and Dimiti & Nicole. AKA a bunch of no matches.

Terrence J is like “you’re about to go on the best date ever!” and then sends them on a bar crawl. Honestly, for once the date lived up to Terrence’s description.

THE DATE

Dimitri is super excited to go on a date with Nicole because of her winning personality huge tits.

Nicole thinks the fact that Dimitri acts like a 7-year-old is adorable. She’s always been a good babysitter and is even CPR certified. She can certainly provide references if you need them.

Dimitri and Nicole start making out. Riveting. Moving on.

Keith and Zoe are being forced into this date by producers like nobody’s business. I imagine someone is legit waving a gun behind the camera, because they look more uncomfortable than an Ikea bed. Keith is like “I don’t think you’re interested in me” and Zoe’s like *takes deep breath of relief* “omg I can’t fuckin’ stand you.”

Zoe tells him that she’s into Kareem and Keith/everyone watching is like “but why?”

Ethan straight-up tells Geles that her being with Anthony makes this friend date suuuuuuper uncomfortable. She’s like “I feel bad. Next time we’ll have sex a little less obviously.”

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Like most grown-ass adults, the folks at the house decide to do a sumo wrestling competition and the winner has to do a dare? Not sure how that works, but let’s just go with it.

They strap pillows around themselves and start running into each other, which will probably result in them losing the remaining few brain cells they each have.

Jada is up and if she wins she gets to lick Nutella off Clintons abs. She’s like “time to suit the fuck up.” If Jada had half as much determination in real life as she does to lick Clinton, shiiiiiit, she might actually have a real job by now. #AnythingIsPossible

However, Audrey is surprisingly strong and ends up beating Jada. Better luck next time.

The winner of Anthony and Michael’s match get the super special opportunity to… lick peanut butter of Nurys’ nipple? Wait what?

Anthony is like….”uh, what?” And I share his sentiments. Damn, you just whip the tit out for any old dude with a pillow duct taped to his chest? Not judging but….

Guess who walks in riiiiiiight as Micheal is flicking Nurys’ perky bits—good old Malcolm, who’s given up his player ways for a total of 10 days.

He’s like “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I AM THE BEACON OF LOYALTY!” And Nurys is like “but, honey. It was a dare!!!” For once I agree with Malcolm when he’s like “are you fucking serious?” Nurys has the logic of a Trump administration staff member.

Malcolm can’t even sit with a girl at a match-up ceremony and Nurys is over here letting everyone milk the fuckin’ cow for a sumo game. Yiiiiiiikes, double standards are cringeworthy. Malcolm does what I would have done too, and immediately grabs desperate AF DD and drags her to the boom boom room.

SO I guess that’s one no-match couple down. Thanks Nurys’ titty for saving the game! 

The worst/best show on television is back and lucky for you, the worst/best recapper you know is back too. You’re welcome.

TBH I was heavily considering not recapping this show because I was thinking about living my life and stuff, but then I saw this shit show of a cast (and also how bad the Bachelor is) and I just knew in the dark pits of my soul that I couldn’t let this show go.

LET’S BEGIN NOW

First major change—they are in New Orleans now. Probably a good thing. They weren’t getting too much variety in the Dominican Republic. You can only play with monkeys so many times until you’re like “so, where are the buildings with electricity?”

Also, Terrence J is the new host. RIP to the best father figure most of the contestants ever had, Ryan Devlin.

Let’s review some of the dumb things we learned/that were said during introductions to everyone:

TYLER: “I told her that I was okay with her hooking up with another guy and I wasn’t!” Cool story, Hansel.

UCHE: “I’m with all these guys I’m not supposed to be with! Football players, rappers, all the cool guys.” That’s a weird way of saying you’re a fuckin’ loser.

KEYANA: “I want to be everywhere with my boyfriend. I want to wear a vile of his blood around my neck and drink from it from time to time. What.” (paraphrase)

JOE’S MOM: “My son brings home idiots, which is amazing because he sells pot for a living and it shocks me that Harvard grads aren’t lining up to date him.”

NICOLE: “I’m trapped in this hookup culture!!!” She acts like she’s been kidnapped in a third world country rather than being asked for dick pics.

KAREEM: “Where I’m from, don’t nobody ever touch a million dollars.” Yeah, they clearly don’t read books or attend basic English classes either.

MICHAEL: “I get like 25-50 DM’s from girls a day wanting to date me. None of them speak English though, so lo siento bitches, no dates for you.” Also, Mike, they are all probs like 14. Judging from the acne on your face, you probably are too.

FIRST CHALLENGE

Terrence J shows the girls something the boys find important and the girls have to raise their hands if it’s important to them too. Moderate Instagram fame has to be on this list.

First is football. Audrey raises her hand and she’s like “Why do I like football? Why do I not like football?! I love football!!!”

AUDREY DURING FOOTBALL GAMES: 


Football was Malcolm’s pick and he’s like “I love football because that’s the only reason my dad loves me” and the girls are all like “AW THAT’S SO SWEET!” Nothing moisturizes the kitty like deep-rooted familial issues, amirite.

Next is the piano, and Keyana is like “I like music!” while the rest of the girls apparently prefer silence? Her match is Ethan, the guy who looks like Rob Dyrdek if he ate Rob Dyrdek. He’s very excited to go on his first date ever and is just itching to call his mom and tell her all about it.

Turns out he’s a rapper. Fuck. There is always one “rapper” every season and they are almost always bordering on albino.

ETHAN: “E-Money gets the girls, but Ethan doesn’t.” How many of you are there?

REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:

Next picture is some religious stuff and the girls are like “I only go down on my knees for one thing, and it ain’t our lord and savior.” Too bad—it was Clinton’s pick and he’s a fine-ass mother fucker. Jesus wept making that fine specimen and that should tell you something, since I’m a Jew.

Next picture is a condom and Jada is like “HEEEEEEEEEEY.”

JADA’S ROLE ON THIS SHOW:

Chad is the one that picked a condom and he’s like “yeah, I like sex, so what?” Chad reminds me of the guy you tell your sorority little to avoid at frat parties.

CHAD: “Look at me, I’m the Chad!” I’M SORRY, unless you are Tom Green yelling to Drew Barrymore from a boat, you are not the fuckin’ Chad!!! Wait, is his name Shad? THAT IS EVEN WORSE.

Anyways, all the couples are going on a date. Thrilling.

ON TO THE HOUSE

Of course it’s time for shots and more introductions.

ZOE: “Guys don’t like me, they just want to wear my thighs as earmuffs.” Oddly specific but ok.

JOE: “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and so far the only thing I have ever witnessed is me still being a virgin”

Joe’s going to be that castmate that I can’t tell is hot. He always looks like he is squinting into the sun but I would def let him in if he came knocking on my door wanting to sell a bible.

Keyana immediately tells Michael that she follows him on Instagram and he’s like “very cool, do you speak English?” Also, Keyana do you need to refill your shitty beer? Because you look fucking THIRSTY.

Ethan is already hating himself and saying that he’s going to sit in a corner all season and now I’m just upset. No one puts Ethan in a corner!

KEYANA: So you wear a shoe on each foot?


MIKE: Yeah


KEYANA: omg so do I. Let’s get married.

Uche and Chocolate Jesus (Clinton’s new nickname for the season—CJ) are def hitting it off.

CLINTON: “Girls tell me they love me on social media, but it’s like, I’m a person. Do you ever think there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”

Malcolm and every girl in the house start flirting. So that’s that.

MALCOLM: “I have ladies every day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…. The other days. You get it.”

He meets Diandra, who is wearing hoops so big that the Kardashian family is in awe. She’s like “if I start calling you Papi, I’m interested.” Good thing it sounds sexy in Spanish. If I started calling dudes “Daddy” they would immediately refer me to a therapist.

Keith and Alexis start bonding over lung disease and her possibly incestuous ways.

ALEXIS: So you have your cousins, and then your first cousins, and your cousins with teeth. They are all fair fucking game.

Apparently Alexis is trying to rid herself of the redneck stereotype but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s downing Bud Light one second and chain smoking cigarettes the next.

Keith is like “you should stop smoking. How about every time you smoke I spank you?” Is this a Narcotics Anonymous-approved method of prevention? Also, Keith and Alexis look like the perfect Trump-voting couple.

KEITH: “How about every time you mention building the wall I smack my own ass, yeehaw.”

Theeeeennnn they start making out and talking about butt stuff, as one does 30 minutes after meeting someone. Off to the boom room they go to make more babies that Alexis’ cousin can possibly fuck.

Keith apparently rocks Alexis’ world and he’s like “yeah I have pretty good reviews on Yelp.” Which is a place for businesses so congrats, you’re an escort.

Michael and Keyana take the first shower makeout scene for me. She’s like “I’ve never met someone who asks me about myself” and it’s like, well how do you usually meet people? Does no one ask you, like, what your name is?

THE DATE


MTV has decided to get as close as possible to killing one of these cast members and takes them to a bar as their date. We’re really pushing these livers to the limit here.

Ethan is trying to make small talk with Keyana and she is acting like she would rather be lit on fire than be a kind of nice person to an overall really nice guy. He eventually is like “I get it, you like Michael.” And I swear to god she breathes a sigh of relief.

She says he “asked about her and he actually cared” and it’s like, really? It had nothing to do with the alcohol and fact that your hand was down his pants most of the time?

They are presented with booze and a jazz band comes in. They’re like “what are the odds you get shit faced and listen to jazz in New Orleans?!”

Audrey and Malcolm are hanging out and she’s like “you’re a player, I can tell” and he’s like “I’m 25 now! I’m serious now!” he says as he chugs alcohol on a reality show on national television.

He claims he isn’t a player anymore because a “female” cheated on him once and it hurt. Boo, sad story. Anyone who calls a girl a female is a hard no from me.

AUDREY: I hope he ends up being different then the guy I know he is and always has been.

BACK AT THE HOUSE


The house is debating who to put in the Truth Booth and Diandra is like “Malcolm looks like Trey Songz!” (which he does) and Nurys is like “YOU JUST WANNA FUCK HIM DON’T YOU?!” Okay there, I’m gonna need to you to pop a quick Xanax and take a lap for a second.

Nurys is like “I am a hugely aggressive girl for literally no reason and sometimes people don’t like me for that.” Hmm, wonder why.

TRUTH BOOTH

Ethan and Keyana go to the Truth Booth and Keyana is looking for the nearest knife to stick in her neck. She heard Mike has a neck fetish, so yeah.

Ethan and Keyana are like “we get it, we’re not compatible” and Keyana is thinking of getting it tattooed on her body. Let’s remember, they were voted in because they “both like music” which we all know, is a true stepping stone to a love connection.

Of course, they get a no match BUT that’s not the worst part of this whole thing. The WORST part is Keyana acting like a straight-up fucking bitch when they get a no match. I get it, you like Michael and you want to have his vanilla-ass babies so they can surf into the sunset and live a life full of missionary sex, HOWEVER you did not need to be like “YES, I’M PARTYING TONIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT A MATCH!!!”

That’s not a paraphrase made by me, that’s a quote and frankly, it’s a fucked up one. And that’s coming from a fucked up person.

Ethan’s like “I’ve never seen someone so excited to get away from me” and I think every single person watching (aka me and 15 people who read this recap) were either a) about to cry for this actual nice guy or b) so fucking annoyed with Keyana for acting like she’s soooo much better than him. Anyone with a chest tattoo is not at the liberty to belittle people. That is a job strictly reserved for me. Now that we got that lecture out of the way…

OTHER STUFF

Ethan starts downing red wine and freestyle rapping. Aka me on any given night.

They start playing a game of sexy truth or dare, because they are original like that.

Malcolm and Diandre make out, Clinton and Uche make out, Michael licks Keyana, it’s all pretty generic.

Shad or Chad or whatever his fucking name is asks Alexis to kiss everyone in the house and she’s like okay and says “mama didn’t raise no bitch.” Incredible. I want that on a cross stitch. She proceeds to make out with everyone. Just like her mama intended.

KEITH: “She’s a little wild and idk if I trust her.” Really? This is the hard line for you? Not when she implied that she fucks her cousins?

Geles and Michael bond over the fact that they have large Hispanic families and it’s like, who is going to send me some tamales? Hit me up.

Nurys is getting pissed because DD (Diandre) is still talking to Malcolm when she likes him. She’s like “DD is obviously insecure!” and it’s like, hmmm okay sweetie.

Second shower makeout session goes to DD and Malcolm. Really? Now it’s just getting cliché. Isn’t there a closet you can take this to?

Of course, the moment DD goes to sleep Nurys is like DGAF and her and Malcolm start making out. DAMN. Okay. That’s how it’s gonna be. Then he hops back into bed with DD.

MALCOLM: I’m not a player. I promise I’m not a player.

Okay, Big Pun. Anyway, see you all next week.