‘Are You The One?’ Recap: A Two-For-One Deal

Hello everyone. I would like to formally not apologize for missing last week’s recap—the episode was shit and we all know it. I think it’s our job, as viewers and over-confident recap writers, to hold MTV to a higher standard of television. Also I got drunk and forgot to send the email to the editors BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

Lucky for you I can make up for it in this hybrid recap—where I will casually mention things from last episode in this one as well. So for the cast members who hit me up on the ‘gram, chill the fuck out. You’ll get your turn on the recaps (except you Jaylan, sorry dude) *whispers* you ungrateful bastards.
WE’RE BACK.

In a not shocking turn of events—they got four matches again. I feel like I’m having déjà vu—but I also hit my head on a toilet seat the other night (the same night I forgot to send the email) and may be suffering from minor head trauma. #prayforme

Alicia confronts Hannah for calling her a whore at the match-up ceremony. *note from last week* this is all following Ozzy and Hannah being a confirmed no match and Alicia immediately trying to fuck Ozzy, in typical thot fashion.

As much as I want to agree with Hannah, because I hate Alicia, Hannah did the exact same shit when Alicia and Andre didn’t match…. But THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!! 

Alicia is like “I DID ONE THING WRONG AND EVERYONE IS MAD AT ME!” To that I say:

People Don't Forget

Everyone is watching while Alicia is both screaming and squatting at the same time. Fitness doesn’t rest, amiright? All the yelling really does wonders for her abs.

Alicia mentions her fucking punctuation every other word. “DO NOT. PERIOD. TALK TO ME. PERIOD. EVER. EXCLAMATION POINT. “ We get it Alicia, you know how construct sentences. Congrats on graduating the fourth grade, skank EXCLAMATION POINT.

Alicia: POINT BLANK, PERIOD!


ME: 


You Keep Using That Word

Ozzy’s just here to get his dick wet and win a few thousand bucks to get his ass onto the mainland so he’s like, whatever.

Andre and Derrick are being gay for each other even though two weeks ago they were almost fist fighting, #tbt.

Andre basically tells Derrick and Taylor that he’s in love with Taylor and everyone collectively loses their fucking minds. Like, wow, love?!? What a fucking bizarre thought I mean, really? What is this—a dating show?!

TAYLOR: This is a lot to think about
.

ALSO TAYLOR: I’M IN LOVE WITH ANDRE, POINT BLANK PERIOD.

THE CHALLENGE

AYTO S5E7

The challenge is outdoors, it’s pouring rain and Tee’s weave is getting messed up. I haven’t seen this kind of terror since the Bowling Green Massacre.

This challenge tests what each person values most and they have to dig their prioirites out of the fucking mud and arrange them in order of importance. This is some Stanley Yelnats shit.

RYAN DEVLIN: And after you dig, you must carry Madam Zeroni up the mountain.

They all pair up. Hayden is suddenly into Carolina because the producers are def telling him to be and Ozzy goes with Alicia because he has a death wish.

Joey is just starting there to start a mud fight—he feels more at home when he’s covered in dirt, ya know?

Some other couples include KARI and Derrick and Michael and Hannah. Random enough. So random, IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

First place is Andre and Taylor with 5 matches. Love is real everyone, tell your friends.

Derrick and KARI get the second date. How many dates has KARI won? Like, has she even been in the house? And none for Hayden and Carolina, bye!

Ryan’s like “GREAT NEWS—we’re releasing you all from captivity for a night of unsafe binge drinking and exploitation from the television channel.” Aka a party.

They all freak out because they haven’t seen the real world in weeks. Are cars still a thing? Do people still walk on their two legs? To be discovered.

THE PARTAAAAY

AYTO S5E7

Let’s start out by saying that either Joey’s lisp or my minor head injury is making me dizzy. I think it’s the speech impediment.

They start pouring shots and the slutty dancing montage begins. I’m sure this is their parents’ favorite part.

Good ole’ Gianna is rubbing her giant man hands up and down Michael and it’s a little vomit-inducing. Meanwhile Hayden is chatting it up with Carolina, who is fucking hammered.

REAL PICTURE OF CAROLINA IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA:

Carolina AYTO

Carolina is comparing her loyalty to her lovers to Hayden’s loyalty to Gianna… which like, is a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it works out for her.

Hayden gives props to Carolina for persevering through the bullshit that is his relationship/existence and decides to reward her with a makeout session. How fucking noble of him. That Hayden—he’s a giver!

Hayden has one makeout session and is suddenly captain macho, both regaining his balls and dignity for Gianna’s abnormally large grasp. I haven’t seen a transformation this amazing since Ysma turned Kuzco into a llama.

Gianna is like “WHAT THE FUCK. How dare Hayden look at another girl?” Carolina, watch your back.

You In Danger

Michael is like “I have a connection with Gianna” which is a weird way of saying “I will literally do or say anything to get some airtime.”

Scary masked men come to the party to steal Tiffany and Brittney Wilson from the fashion show and everyone starts dancing.

While Ozzy and Hannah are sitting in the corner saying “I love you” after two weeks, Alicia is plotting every possible way she can lure him into the trap she affectionately calls “her vagina”.

Meanwhile, Andre and Taylor are the first couple of the season to make out naked in the ocean! There is always one and we’ve waited all season for it. Good work, everyone! So can I stop writing these recaps now?

Alicia decides to literally let her bathing suit fall off her in order to convince Ozzy he “needs this ass”. So far, they seem to have a pretty genuine connection. I’m sure his mother is going to love her!

Ozzy tells Alicia she’s sexy and Hannah’s like “THIS IS ALL ALICIA’S FAULT!!!”

Hannah’s logic be like:

OZZY BEING AN ASSHOLE: Alicia’s fault


BEYONCE CANCELLING AT COACHELLA: Alicia’s fault


GLOBAL WARMING: Alicia’s fault

Ozzy and Alicia legit start making out while her coot coot is out. Groundbreaking stuff, y’all.

Michael is like, more than willing to help his homie Hannah fuck up Alicia’s nasty-ass makeout session and picks her up by the fucking vag and plops her onto the ocean. Get you a man who can talk about “values and genuine connections” one minute and then grab a girl by her vag the next. Our president would be so proud!

MICHAEL: I’m helpful. I care about people. I’m empathetic.


ALSO MICHAEL: I hated being an EMT because old people are the fucking worst. Like, why are they so old?

Hannah confronts Ozzy and is like “you’re a piece of shit.” FINALLY. Ozzy is like “my b. luv u tho!” Hannah tells him it’s over and that he needs to find some other dumb bitch to get his green card from. Womp womp.

THE DATE

AYTO S5E7

The date is cliff diving and KARI is wearing wedges. Extra AF.

They are shocked that the cliff they are jumping off is high which is like saying “I’m shocked the ocean has waves.” Everyone jumps off instead of KARI.

KARI CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF:

No From Me

Derrick tries to go with her to a lower spot to jump and KARI’s like “stop trying to make cliff diving happen! It’s never going to happen!”

On the date, Taylor reveals that she has been cheated on in every relationship and Andre is like “NOPE, NOT MY STYLE.” Which is like, refreshing AF. They tell each other they love each other and I’m like, this is good. Too good.

This will end up badly, I just know it. Call it “reality show recapper intuition.” It’s very real. It’s like I have a sixth sense or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s raining AND WHEN BAD SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Wow, a second topless water makeout session? Andre and Taylor are the real stars of this show.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

AYTO S5E7

Prior to getting to the truth booth, Ryan has to meet his quota of stirring the pot at least 3 times. If he gets two people to curse at each other he gets a bonus!

Hannah calls out Ozzy/Alicia and Ozzy’s like “I love Hannah.” Look, I know you’re foreign, but here in America that’s not love. And here in Trump’s America, you need to stay the fuck away from us.

Andre and Taylor go to the truth booth and I am stressed the fuck out. I haven’t had this much anxiety since the election and we all know how that worked out.

The cast gets offered the truth booth challenge because MTV is a bunch of donkey dicks.

Gianna is advocating for the money because of course she fucking is. If she can’t have love NO ONE CAN *she breaks Ryan’s neck using the force of her pinkies*

Tyler is like “ARE YOU DUMB?” Seriously, I want everyone to write me a letter and tell me if they are mentally ill. They need to find the matches first and then worry about the money.

Majority of the house goes with no trade and Ryan’s like “you passed on money for love”, which shit, when he says it like that, goes against everything I stand for.

I’m sweating. I’m freaking out. They look so happy but I just feel like….

Omg. It’s a NO MATCH.

My heart is in shambles. I’m feeling really dizzy and I don’t think it’s the head injury. Send help.

Taylor immediately goes into rage mode and is like I HATE ALL OF YOU. Lol same.

They both say they are not going to separate and everyone is like “WHY THO.” Hayden and Gianna are like “WHO TOLD THEM THIS IS OKAY! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.” Pot, meet Kettle.

Taylor and Andre are like “tell us where to go and we’ll like, go there I guess.” Idk. Everyone is like, “oh we’re so fucked.”

MATCHUP CEREMONY

AYTO S5E7

Ryan gently reminds the house that, indeed, they are so fucked.

Cas is up first and she picks Andre. He’s pretty much acting like she doesn’t exist while saying “I’m dating Taylor.” Rough life for little irrelevant Cas.

ANDRE TO CAS:

Don't Look At Me

Alicia is like “I feel like I’m in the same boat as Cas.” Oh yeah, why don’t you take that boat back to your home on whore island?!

Ryan asks Ozzy about Hannah and how they are and he’s like “uh, uh, uh.” LOOK OZZY, we already have Joey on this show. We don’t need another speech impediment, mmkay?

OZZY: It’s been difficult for me to move on


RYAN: Yeah, two week relationships are hard like that

Ozzy and Alicia are together. Goodie.

Shannon and Tyler.

Taylor and Ozvaldo… wait what? They’re like “we’ve actually spoken once”. I’ve literally spoken to the barista at Starbucks more.

They have “no spark” which is code for “everyone knows Ozvaldo is gay.”

Ozvaldo remains the ultimate homie by saying he doesn’t want to fuck up Andre and Taylor’s thing—not like that was ever going to happen.

KARI and Derrick.

Rush Boobs and Joey.

Jaylan and Tee.

Hannah and Michael. Two giants taking on the world together.

Hannah is like “I don’t deserve this shit from Ozzy” and Ryan is like “you go girl.” Ryan is like, fasho a feminist.

Also, Michael looks like he could play the character of a random bouncer in a Law and Order SVU episode. Or the sex offender. Whatever.

Gianna picks Little Mike. Nothing makes Gianna’s dick harder than midgets.

Carolina and Hayden. Hayden says there may be potential and Caroline mumbles something into the distance.

Good news: No blackout. Bad news: 4 beams again

Remember when they were excited about four beams? #Tbt to week 3.

Ryan’s like “you guys are not doing this right” and it’s like WOW THANKS FOR THAT THRILLING INPUT. Kam encourages everyone to get sober and get to know each other, which like, why on earth would they do that?

Two things can happen next week—a miracle occurs and Jaylan gets 5 seconds of air time. OR they can continue to fuck this up.

Can’t wait to see more of you, Jaylan!

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: That’s Just Like, Against The Rules Of Feminism

Catch Up On Last Week’s ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi, My Name Is Tyranny And I’m An Alcoholic

Welcome back. You may have missed my last recap because it was a little late (my b, my b) but you can go read it now and get yourself caught the fuck up. Let’s be real—we all know you only watch this show for my recaps. I’m still waiting for MTV to acknowledge that these def made that show relevant again.

Betch Waldorf, making reality TV great again!

Anyway, let’s begin.

AFTER GETTING ANOTHER FOUR BEAMS…

They get four beams, again, are like TIME TO CELEBRATE! These idiots could literally find any reason to celebrate. Ah, the benefits of being stupid.

OSVALDO/ME EVERY SINGLE NIGHT: Where is the Henny?

Henny Meme

They are like “yay we are mixing strategy with love” which is a weird way of saying “we have one thing in common and think we’re going to be together forever.”

Tyler is legit chain-smoking while Shannon is running around saying dumb shit including: “fuck a side chick ‘cause I ain’t one.” It’s very hard to take anything she says seriously when she sounds like a character from Sesame Street.

They’re like WE’RE A PERFECT MATCH and proceed to film the most subtle Trojan condom commercial ever. Seriously, MTV? You’re doing a product placement for a condom now? How bad are ratings, really?

Taylor and Andre are talking about how they both like their family and want a healthy relationship. Two things that are totally unheard of and so rare! Like wow, you must be a match! I mean, what are the odds? What’s next? You’re going tell me you both drink water?! GET OUTTA TOWN.

Andre is like, “lol shoutout to Tyler for being a dumbass.” Which is also going to be my newest slogan for daily life.

ME: *something happens*
ME: Shoutout to Tyler for being a dumbass

Andre and Taylor start making out in a closet because Tyler’s a dumbass.

Meanwhile, it’s pouring rain and Eddie and Alicia are in the pool. Didn’t anyone teach you this is how you get sick? Who raised you people?

Alicia is like “WE’RE BOTH EDDIE’S POTIENTIALS, BUT FRIENDSHIP.” She swears she would never do that to Kam. Has Alicia ever seen reality TV? Because that’s not how friendship works.

ALICIA: I am such a good person.
ME:

Image result for why you lying

Ozzy and Hannah are a thing and he starts talking about how his dad is basically a pimp. Not like, a cool pimp. Like a “does sketchy shit with women” pimp. At least that’s what I got from the convo. I could be for sure spreading rumors. Oops.

Nothing makes Hannah’s panties wetter than daddy issues that aren’t her own.

THE CHALLENGE

Are You The One Season 5 Episode 5

This is basically a lie detector test and everyone is freaking the fuck out. They’re like, “mmmm no let’s do an obstacle course instead plz.”

Of course, it’s girls vs. guys and the team that answers honestly gets to have people pick the dates. Calling it now, the girls are going to win.

Joey’s first and he’s like “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME!”

Joey admits to taking Viagra and Rush Boobs is into it. Honestly when you’re a trashman, I feel like not getting your dick hard is the least of your problems.

Gianna is next and she looks miserable. She admits that sex with Hayden isn’t the best she has ever had. I imagine it was pretty vanilla and that Gianna just fucking talked the whole time because she never shuts the fuck up.

Michael’s like “well she’s never had me” and it’s like, mmm please stop though.

Ryan’s like “HEY HAYDEN HOW DOES THAT FEEL???” Damn, shots fired. He’s like “well we had to be sneaky.” Yeah, okay. Whatever you gotta tell yourself.

Derrick admits to eating his boogers. Him and Carolina should build a house out of boogers and then eat it all up. Omg I might actually vomit.

KARI lies about having a threesome with another girl. Everyone freaks out and KARI’s not even phased.

KARI:

Image result for whatever gif

Carolina lies about thinking she is the hottest girl in the house. Who wouldn’t lie about that though?

Tee admits to bitch slapping someone. Shocking.

Shannon admits that when she’s not sucking up helium and playing with her dollhouse she enjoys taking pictures of her poop. Eddie’s like “ME AF.” Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus.

Jesus

Ozzy gets a weak one about “is there someone who can make you open up?” BOOOOOO. What’s that shit? KARI gets one about her sex life and Ozzy gets this fuzzy dogshit? BOOOOO.

Of course he says yes and that it’s Hannah. Now they are in love idk.

Tyler is the final question and it’s tied and we ALLLLL know Tyler is about to lie his pretty little ass off.

Does Tyler believe in the matchmaking process? Of course he lies and says “yes.” MTV, let me answer this question right the fuck now for you. Tyler is not here for love. He’s here for an acting career, I assume.

I mean, have you seen his chisled face? You think this fool needs help finding love? Hard no. He needs help landing an audition or some shit. He may even find success as an extra in a CW show or something. Eventually he’ll end up modeling shirtless for romance novels that my aunt in Montana reads.

This ain’t my first rodeo.

Shannon is like “OH WELL HE WILL LOVE ME.” Poor, stupid little Shannon.

The girls won and the daters are decided by whose name is under the numbers—since the girls won by one point, number 1 is the first girl to go on a date. It’s Kam and therefore it’s also lit. She picks number 8, which is KARI.

Kam picks Eddie to go on the date and KARI takes Little Mike.

Alicia is like “I wish it was me with Eddie.” WE KNOW.

I imagine Alicia standing outside the date with a boombox in her hands playing “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. But I mean, she would never do that because #friendship, right?

You Belong With Me

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Jaylan is fucking pissed that someone left a chicken wing on the counter—because it’s fucking gross and he hates litter. 

Cas is like “he’s goofy and I like that” which is like saying “he has eyes and I like that.” Looks like miracles do happen and Jaylan is finally getting air time.

Gianna is legit pouting like a little girl in the pool while Hayden caters to her every whim. I must know—what is this denim vest Hayden is constantly wearing? Could he not afford sleeves? Or were they ripped off by Gianna’s man hands during their shitty sex? Let me know!

Carolina is like “Gianna is needy AF and only likes Hayden because he gives her attention!!” And Carolina would fuckin’ know because she like, practically invented that, ya know?

Eddie is like “I could be a match with Kam or Alicia”, which, yeah, that’s pretty much how this game works. He is talking to Alicia about it and she’s like “I’m jealous but girl code!!!”

On a scale of 1 to Kellyanne Conway, how full of shit is Alicia? 

The Limit Does Not Exist

Carolina is like, trying to talk Hayden and he’s being a dick. She’s like “why do you hate me? I’m just trying to be nice and suck your dick and stuff.”

Meanwhile Gianna is pouting to Michael, another confirmed non-match. She’s like, hugging all on him, begging him to kiss her in the closet. Why are they always in the closet? Are there no other rooms in this house? Like, why you gotta do the nasty on Jaylan’s clothes?

Gianna’s like “IDK why I’m kissing other people. Maybe I deserve better.” WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? YOU DESERVE BE…You know what, I cannot with her right now. I need more wine—and Gianna, you need to go fist yourself.

THE DATE

Are You The One Season 5 Episode 5

They go on a riverboat cruise, one where I’m sure Ozzy’s dad has pimped out many women in his day #alternativefacts.

Mike’s like “why did you pick me?” and I’m like FOR REAL. KARI says it was unattractive for him to have sex with Rush Boobs on the first night, but she believes in second chances and some other stupid shit.

Mike wants a girl who will stand up to him, which shouldn’t be hard because most girls are taller than him.

Eddie asks Kam a fun fact and she said that for a year she didn’t have sex, which can all agree is a very sad fact. *tear*

They are talking about how they “connect” in so many ways.

KAM: We connect mind, body and soul
EDDIE: 10/10 would send poop pictures for you

TRUTH BOOTH

Are You The One Season 5 Episode 5

Eddie and Kam obviously get picked to go in. Alicia is pissed but *in sing-song voice* I don’t give a fuck.

Ryan’s like “not trying to stress you out but if they get a no match you’re all fucked. Tootles!”

Thankfully, THEY ARE A PERFECT MATCH!

Everyone is pumped except Debbie Downer Alicia. She starts crying and people are like:

There There

Michael and KARI are talking about Little Mike and KARI’s like “I can change him!” Sorry KARI, they don’t have height extension procedures yet.

Michael is like “you’re dumb” and proceeds to give very wise advice while still also making a Trump impression. I think I’m in love with him? KARI, date Michael. Or let me. Whatever.

Alicia and Eddie get up at 3am “to get water and go to the bathroom.” MMMhmmmm, sure.

EDDIE: Oh no, the bathroom and kitchen are locked. Looks like we’ll have to go to the boom boom room.

Kam and Tee wake up and are like “shit is sketch.” Kam’s thot senses are tingling.

Alicia and Eddie are legit hooking up and I’M YELLING AT THE TV RIGHT NOW.

REAL PICTURE OF ME:

Image result for tyra banks rooting for you

Alicia goes up to Tee and is like “feel sorry for me, idk what to do!” Tee’s like “wtf do you mean?”

She tells her that she “kissed” Eddie and Tee is like YO FUCK YOU. *starts taking off her earrings, yells “YO HOLD MY POODLE” (name that movie)*

Tee tells Osvaldo because Tyler is a dumbass. Told you that saying works anywhere.

Kam goes up to Alicia and is like “I heard you kissed my match. Let’s talk.” IT’S LIT.

THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW:

Image result for the office it's happening

Alicia is like “it’s not all me!” You’re right, but yours is worse. Alicia kind of apologizes and Kam is like, “not accepted you fuckin’ skank.”

KAM: See this? This is our friendship bracelet. I’m taking it off and it’s going in the dirt! (name that movie)

Eddie is like “damn I fucked up.” He’s like “it’s my last night in the house and I enjoy it with everyone” and “I’m here because I do dumb shit.”

KAM: I’m not even mad
EDDIE: Good, it was a mistake
KAM: I just think it’s kind of funny how….

“Eddie does dumb shit” the newest child books series I will be writing. Sequels include “Eddie learns how to poo poo” and “Eddie learns to take pictures of poo poo”.

THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Ryan calls down Kam and Eddie and asks if they are excited for the honeymoon suite. Kam’s like THE FUCK RYAN YOU KNOW I’M NOT. She throws Alicia under the bus because fuck her.

Andre is giving the best commentary throughout it all though. He’s low-key stirring the pot and I support it forreal.

Ryan asks Alicia if it was just a kiss.

REAL PICTURE OF ALICIA AS SHE LIES TO EVERYONE: 

Image result for josh sweating

Of course, Alicia admits they had sex later on. Friend of the year, everyone.

Derrick tells Andre to shut up and NO ONE PUTS DRE IN THE CORNER.

Derrick is like “he still likes Alicia” and Andre is like, and I quote, “this isn’t about Alicia it’s about you being a little bitch.” FUCK YES LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBLE.

Derrick gets up and all the guys get up to stop this, ruining my fucking fun. BOOOO! *throws popcorn*

Michael is like “THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE. IT’S VERY HARD FOR ME TO BE HERE.” I’m extending the invite for you to sit on my couch and drink wine with me. You’re welcome.

Kam is like, no shade but there are some BOMB-ASS BITCHES IN THIS HOUSE.

HAYDEN: Kam do you want me to get you some tea to sip? I was going to get some for Gianna as she requested but I can grab you some too…

GIANNA: *cracks whip* DON’T SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO

Hayden will now be referred to as Reek throughout the remainder of these recaps.

Hannah is like, “if she goes after Ozzy I will drop a bitch.” Fuck yeah you will.

Hannah picks Ozzy and they start kissing. She’s taller than him. Womp womp.

Carolina is up next. Carolina is like “I like a boy that likes another girl.” Thrilling. Pick your person and let’s move the fuck on.

She picks Hayden.

GIANNA: I feel guilty that I kiss other people while Hayden is hung up on me.
ALSO GIANNA: But I like being selfish.

REAL PICTURE OF GIANNA:

Image result for movie where guy has multiple personalities

Alicia picks Little Mike. Mike’s like, “yeah Alicia sucks…dick, am I right bro!?”

Tee picks little bitch Derrick.

Taylor picks Andre, without even saying his name. #Goals

Jaylan picks Cas.

Michael picks KARI.

Rush Boobs picks Joey. They’ll make such a lovely couple back home in Joey’s trailer park.

Gianna picks Osvaldo, who is just scared at this point.

Shannon picks Tyler. I can barely hear her say his name though. Only dogs can hear her speak 90% of the time.

Well, there is no blackout. They get 4 beams AGAIN. Damn, y’all are pulling a Joey and just cannot get it up.

ALS, deleted scenes reveal that GIANNA was the chicken bone culprit. I FUCKING KNEW IT. Add it to her tally. Jaylan hates her. Take a number, bro.

Ryan Devlin from ‘Are You The One?’ Talks Season 5 With The Betches

We’re excited to see another season of AYTO! This show has a large following, us included. Why do you think viewers love AYTO so much?

I think it’s 99% me, and 1% all the drama, hookups, heartbreak, and love. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Yeah, that’s probably more accurate. Look, this is a show unlike ANYTHING on television. Everyone either wins together or they lose together. Their perfect match is standing right in front of them…but will they be able to get past their terrible instincts and find him or her? This show has everything. I’m so stoked for this season!

You’ve been with the show all 5 seasons and we’ve watched alongside/prayed for you. What’s the craziest thing that a cast member has done on the show?

Some of it is so crazy we can’t air it ;). But what I can tell you is that things can get heated really fast. It’s an emotional rollercoaster from week to week—or hour to hour. These people are putting their hearts on the line, along with a million bucks, and the gloves come off really fast in some instances. Like last season, where Prosper started to come after me during a matchup. Or when Amanda and I really got into it with each other. It’s real emotion, and I can lose my cool too. But I think the fans like that sometimes!

Do you watch the episodes when they air? And while you’re watching them, what alcoholic beverage do you drink? (We assume you drink during these things. We do.)

A stiff cocktail is always recommended—during the filming AND airing. I try to theme my drinks to each season. Fireball season one, Pratt Juice season two, foamers (beer) season three, water season four (they were weak), and this season…I think I’ll go with tequila. And I’m going to need a lot of it, based on how the filming went.

Describe Season 5 in five words.

Hold on to your butts.

With that being said, what should viewers expect in Season 5? Drama? Actual romance? A glimpse into the beginnings of alcoholism?

A ton of twists and turns, starting in the first episode. Spoiler Alert (not at all a spoiler since MTV already announced it), this season we have 11 couples. 11 guys, 11 girls, and 1 host trying to remember everyone’s names. That means more chances at love…but also more heartbreak, hookups, and fighting. It’s going to be so lit! (The cast likes it when I try to talk like them.)

Each season’s cast is…well…different. What’s this cast like?

Probably the most “romantically free” cast we’ve had. These guys and gals don’t have any issues fooling around, with multiple people, all the time. No judgement, no shame, just testing out the waters before you commit to one pool. Or penis. I’m talking about lots of sex.

Be honest, do you read our recaps? Because we think we say pretty much everything you are secretly thinking.

I haven’t, but I’ve heard awesome things. Even some of the cast members were talking about your recaps this year when we were filming. So I’ll do my best to get my head out of my ass and follow your words this season. Hell, it’s gotta be better than anything I’m reading in the New York Times these days. (Writer’s Note: True AF.)

Finally, Ryan I’ve looked up your IMDb page and it says you were on Grey’s Anatomy. Very important question for you—McDreamy or McSteamy? If you don’t know what that is, we promise they are not burgers from McDonald’s.

McDevlin.

Don’t miss the Are You The One? season 5 premiere TOMORROW at 9/8c on MTV, and check for our recaps the following day right here at Betches!