‘Are You The One?’ Recap: That’s Just Like, Against The Rules Of Feminism

Catch Up On Last Week’s ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi, My Name Is Tyranny And I’m An Alcoholic

Welcome back. You may have missed my last recap because it was a little late (my b, my b) but you can go read it now and get yourself caught the fuck up. Let’s be real—we all know you only watch this show for my recaps. I’m still waiting for MTV to acknowledge that these def made that show relevant again.

Betch Waldorf, making reality TV great again!

Anyway, let’s begin.

AFTER GETTING ANOTHER FOUR BEAMS…

They get four beams, again, are like TIME TO CELEBRATE! These idiots could literally find any reason to celebrate. Ah, the benefits of being stupid.

OSVALDO/ME EVERY SINGLE NIGHT: Where is the Henny?

Henny Meme

They are like “yay we are mixing strategy with love” which is a weird way of saying “we have one thing in common and think we’re going to be together forever.”

Tyler is legit chain-smoking while Shannon is running around saying dumb shit including: “fuck a side chick ‘cause I ain’t one.” It’s very hard to take anything she says seriously when she sounds like a character from Sesame Street.

They’re like WE’RE A PERFECT MATCH and proceed to film the most subtle Trojan condom commercial ever. Seriously, MTV? You’re doing a product placement for a condom now? How bad are ratings, really?

Taylor and Andre are talking about how they both like their family and want a healthy relationship. Two things that are totally unheard of and so rare! Like wow, you must be a match! I mean, what are the odds? What’s next? You’re going tell me you both drink water?! GET OUTTA TOWN.

Andre is like, “lol shoutout to Tyler for being a dumbass.” Which is also going to be my newest slogan for daily life.

ME: *something happens*
ME: Shoutout to Tyler for being a dumbass

Andre and Taylor start making out in a closet because Tyler’s a dumbass.

Meanwhile, it’s pouring rain and Eddie and Alicia are in the pool. Didn’t anyone teach you this is how you get sick? Who raised you people?

Alicia is like “WE’RE BOTH EDDIE’S POTIENTIALS, BUT FRIENDSHIP.” She swears she would never do that to Kam. Has Alicia ever seen reality TV? Because that’s not how friendship works.

ALICIA: I am such a good person.
ME:

Image result for why you lying

Ozzy and Hannah are a thing and he starts talking about how his dad is basically a pimp. Not like, a cool pimp. Like a “does sketchy shit with women” pimp. At least that’s what I got from the convo. I could be for sure spreading rumors. Oops.

Nothing makes Hannah’s panties wetter than daddy issues that aren’t her own.

THE CHALLENGE

Are You The One Season 5 Episode 5

This is basically a lie detector test and everyone is freaking the fuck out. They’re like, “mmmm no let’s do an obstacle course instead plz.”

Of course, it’s girls vs. guys and the team that answers honestly gets to have people pick the dates. Calling it now, the girls are going to win.

Joey’s first and he’s like “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME!”

Joey admits to taking Viagra and Rush Boobs is into it. Honestly when you’re a trashman, I feel like not getting your dick hard is the least of your problems.

Gianna is next and she looks miserable. She admits that sex with Hayden isn’t the best she has ever had. I imagine it was pretty vanilla and that Gianna just fucking talked the whole time because she never shuts the fuck up.

Michael’s like “well she’s never had me” and it’s like, mmm please stop though.

Ryan’s like “HEY HAYDEN HOW DOES THAT FEEL???” Damn, shots fired. He’s like “well we had to be sneaky.” Yeah, okay. Whatever you gotta tell yourself.

Derrick admits to eating his boogers. Him and Carolina should build a house out of boogers and then eat it all up. Omg I might actually vomit.

KARI lies about having a threesome with another girl. Everyone freaks out and KARI’s not even phased.

KARI:

Image result for whatever gif

Carolina lies about thinking she is the hottest girl in the house. Who wouldn’t lie about that though?

Tee admits to bitch slapping someone. Shocking.

Shannon admits that when she’s not sucking up helium and playing with her dollhouse she enjoys taking pictures of her poop. Eddie’s like “ME AF.” Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus.

Jesus

Ozzy gets a weak one about “is there someone who can make you open up?” BOOOOOO. What’s that shit? KARI gets one about her sex life and Ozzy gets this fuzzy dogshit? BOOOOO.

Of course he says yes and that it’s Hannah. Now they are in love idk.

Tyler is the final question and it’s tied and we ALLLLL know Tyler is about to lie his pretty little ass off.

Does Tyler believe in the matchmaking process? Of course he lies and says “yes.” MTV, let me answer this question right the fuck now for you. Tyler is not here for love. He’s here for an acting career, I assume.

I mean, have you seen his chisled face? You think this fool needs help finding love? Hard no. He needs help landing an audition or some shit. He may even find success as an extra in a CW show or something. Eventually he’ll end up modeling shirtless for romance novels that my aunt in Montana reads.

This ain’t my first rodeo.

Shannon is like “OH WELL HE WILL LOVE ME.” Poor, stupid little Shannon.

The girls won and the daters are decided by whose name is under the numbers—since the girls won by one point, number 1 is the first girl to go on a date. It’s Kam and therefore it’s also lit. She picks number 8, which is KARI.

Kam picks Eddie to go on the date and KARI takes Little Mike.

Alicia is like “I wish it was me with Eddie.” WE KNOW.

I imagine Alicia standing outside the date with a boombox in her hands playing “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. But I mean, she would never do that because #friendship, right?

You Belong With Me

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Jaylan is fucking pissed that someone left a chicken wing on the counter—because it’s fucking gross and he hates litter. 

Cas is like “he’s goofy and I like that” which is like saying “he has eyes and I like that.” Looks like miracles do happen and Jaylan is finally getting air time.

Gianna is legit pouting like a little girl in the pool while Hayden caters to her every whim. I must know—what is this denim vest Hayden is constantly wearing? Could he not afford sleeves? Or were they ripped off by Gianna’s man hands during their shitty sex? Let me know!

Carolina is like “Gianna is needy AF and only likes Hayden because he gives her attention!!” And Carolina would fuckin’ know because she like, practically invented that, ya know?

Eddie is like “I could be a match with Kam or Alicia”, which, yeah, that’s pretty much how this game works. He is talking to Alicia about it and she’s like “I’m jealous but girl code!!!”

On a scale of 1 to Kellyanne Conway, how full of shit is Alicia? 

The Limit Does Not Exist

Carolina is like, trying to talk Hayden and he’s being a dick. She’s like “why do you hate me? I’m just trying to be nice and suck your dick and stuff.”

Meanwhile Gianna is pouting to Michael, another confirmed non-match. She’s like, hugging all on him, begging him to kiss her in the closet. Why are they always in the closet? Are there no other rooms in this house? Like, why you gotta do the nasty on Jaylan’s clothes?

Gianna’s like “IDK why I’m kissing other people. Maybe I deserve better.” WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? YOU DESERVE BE…You know what, I cannot with her right now. I need more wine—and Gianna, you need to go fist yourself.

THE DATE

Are You The One Season 5 Episode 5

They go on a riverboat cruise, one where I’m sure Ozzy’s dad has pimped out many women in his day #alternativefacts.

Mike’s like “why did you pick me?” and I’m like FOR REAL. KARI says it was unattractive for him to have sex with Rush Boobs on the first night, but she believes in second chances and some other stupid shit.

Mike wants a girl who will stand up to him, which shouldn’t be hard because most girls are taller than him.

Eddie asks Kam a fun fact and she said that for a year she didn’t have sex, which can all agree is a very sad fact. *tear*

They are talking about how they “connect” in so many ways.

KAM: We connect mind, body and soul
EDDIE: 10/10 would send poop pictures for you

TRUTH BOOTH

Are You The One Season 5 Episode 5

Eddie and Kam obviously get picked to go in. Alicia is pissed but *in sing-song voice* I don’t give a fuck.

Ryan’s like “not trying to stress you out but if they get a no match you’re all fucked. Tootles!”

Thankfully, THEY ARE A PERFECT MATCH!

Everyone is pumped except Debbie Downer Alicia. She starts crying and people are like:

There There

Michael and KARI are talking about Little Mike and KARI’s like “I can change him!” Sorry KARI, they don’t have height extension procedures yet.

Michael is like “you’re dumb” and proceeds to give very wise advice while still also making a Trump impression. I think I’m in love with him? KARI, date Michael. Or let me. Whatever.

Alicia and Eddie get up at 3am “to get water and go to the bathroom.” MMMhmmmm, sure.

EDDIE: Oh no, the bathroom and kitchen are locked. Looks like we’ll have to go to the boom boom room.

Kam and Tee wake up and are like “shit is sketch.” Kam’s thot senses are tingling.

Alicia and Eddie are legit hooking up and I’M YELLING AT THE TV RIGHT NOW.

REAL PICTURE OF ME:

Image result for tyra banks rooting for you

Alicia goes up to Tee and is like “feel sorry for me, idk what to do!” Tee’s like “wtf do you mean?”

She tells her that she “kissed” Eddie and Tee is like YO FUCK YOU. *starts taking off her earrings, yells “YO HOLD MY POODLE” (name that movie)*

Tee tells Osvaldo because Tyler is a dumbass. Told you that saying works anywhere.

Kam goes up to Alicia and is like “I heard you kissed my match. Let’s talk.” IT’S LIT.

THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW:

Image result for the office it's happening

Alicia is like “it’s not all me!” You’re right, but yours is worse. Alicia kind of apologizes and Kam is like, “not accepted you fuckin’ skank.”

KAM: See this? This is our friendship bracelet. I’m taking it off and it’s going in the dirt! (name that movie)

Eddie is like “damn I fucked up.” He’s like “it’s my last night in the house and I enjoy it with everyone” and “I’m here because I do dumb shit.”

KAM: I’m not even mad
EDDIE: Good, it was a mistake
KAM: I just think it’s kind of funny how….

“Eddie does dumb shit” the newest child books series I will be writing. Sequels include “Eddie learns how to poo poo” and “Eddie learns to take pictures of poo poo”.

THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Ryan calls down Kam and Eddie and asks if they are excited for the honeymoon suite. Kam’s like THE FUCK RYAN YOU KNOW I’M NOT. She throws Alicia under the bus because fuck her.

Andre is giving the best commentary throughout it all though. He’s low-key stirring the pot and I support it forreal.

Ryan asks Alicia if it was just a kiss.

REAL PICTURE OF ALICIA AS SHE LIES TO EVERYONE: 

Image result for josh sweating

Of course, Alicia admits they had sex later on. Friend of the year, everyone.

Derrick tells Andre to shut up and NO ONE PUTS DRE IN THE CORNER.

Derrick is like “he still likes Alicia” and Andre is like, and I quote, “this isn’t about Alicia it’s about you being a little bitch.” FUCK YES LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBLE.

Derrick gets up and all the guys get up to stop this, ruining my fucking fun. BOOOO! *throws popcorn*

Michael is like “THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE. IT’S VERY HARD FOR ME TO BE HERE.” I’m extending the invite for you to sit on my couch and drink wine with me. You’re welcome.

Kam is like, no shade but there are some BOMB-ASS BITCHES IN THIS HOUSE.

HAYDEN: Kam do you want me to get you some tea to sip? I was going to get some for Gianna as she requested but I can grab you some too…

GIANNA: *cracks whip* DON’T SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO

Hayden will now be referred to as Reek throughout the remainder of these recaps.

Hannah is like, “if she goes after Ozzy I will drop a bitch.” Fuck yeah you will.

Hannah picks Ozzy and they start kissing. She’s taller than him. Womp womp.

Carolina is up next. Carolina is like “I like a boy that likes another girl.” Thrilling. Pick your person and let’s move the fuck on.

She picks Hayden.

GIANNA: I feel guilty that I kiss other people while Hayden is hung up on me.
ALSO GIANNA: But I like being selfish.

REAL PICTURE OF GIANNA:

Image result for movie where guy has multiple personalities

Alicia picks Little Mike. Mike’s like, “yeah Alicia sucks…dick, am I right bro!?”

Tee picks little bitch Derrick.

Taylor picks Andre, without even saying his name. #Goals

Jaylan picks Cas.

Michael picks KARI.

Rush Boobs picks Joey. They’ll make such a lovely couple back home in Joey’s trailer park.

Gianna picks Osvaldo, who is just scared at this point.

Shannon picks Tyler. I can barely hear her say his name though. Only dogs can hear her speak 90% of the time.

Well, there is no blackout. They get 4 beams AGAIN. Damn, y’all are pulling a Joey and just cannot get it up.

ALS, deleted scenes reveal that GIANNA was the chicken bone culprit. I FUCKING KNEW IT. Add it to her tally. Jaylan hates her. Take a number, bro.