Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what happened immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect matches systematically rip each other to bits by using their biggest insecurities against them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that way, this sounds like a blast. Shall we dive right in?
Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t need to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh*t about the show and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!
As the perfect matches walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and girl it was money WELL SPENT. And it appears all of our contestants time traveled back to 2001, got their outfits at Wet Seal, and were told the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”
Right off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right after they got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you put any effort into this casting at all.
Papa T to Shamoy:
Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why prepare for your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the toilet?
The cast is asked who the most surprising match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suck his d*ck all season. Sure, Jan.
And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only find one intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which actually sounds about right.
We return from the commercial break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.
Tomas and Cali announce that they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect match and he looks like a total nerd tonight. I preferred him with the sunburn.
Terry sets his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost control of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.
Now the whole cast is saying that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and making fun of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t think.
I’m glad to see everyone is drinking out of Solo cups during the commercial break. I feel like MTV thinks these people are like cars, and they won’t perform unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.
Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their way to the hot seat. Kenya made a flattering color change to her hair, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.
Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.
You guys, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s giving Tyra a run for her money. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”
And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might remember her from last season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, they are all sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twin babies that fly.
This is Diandra. (Also, you’re welcome for finding this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning just to piss me off). Perhaps you should picture her with whipped cream in her mouth though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, just spray it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your girlfriend won’t cut off your balls. Just a suggestion!!
Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and only convinces me more that Papa T will be a very caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and stupid job.
Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.
We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was spiteful and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at sex. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.
Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown men with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a personal problem, I know.
Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.
Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the same.
Now they’re taking questions from the audience. God, TERRENCE. You really just rolled out of bed and came to do this show, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this recap I just copied and pasted tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up—can I do that? Editor?
Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she handled this because if someone said that to me I would turn my apartment into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my bed again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.
Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are shown clips of the whole Cam/Kayla saga in case anyone sustained brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14-year-old girl filling out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely people, one definitely on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.
Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the show thought he was a disgusting troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also notice that he got a haircut and looks fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!
Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/Cam fight. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misunderstanding because in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” but in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to mean “to have intercourse,” so why not throw another word into my lexicon?
Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But seriously, can I hire a research company or something to crunch some numbers for me? How many people get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their money responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last answer is zero.
Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more pleasant?
Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the couch and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that got crossed this season, but maybe that’s just me.
Morgan says that Zak treated her terribly but at least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent some of her winnings on a dictionary.
YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the show, Zak sent Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and convinced her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much faith in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve never been less shocked about something in my life.
Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s a kind, kind man who wants me to have as much material as possible with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He hooked up with Geles from last season, and with Nilsa! One of my girls from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the hot concrete. You foolish, foolish girl.
And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t think I’ve hooked up with this many people in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ time. And turns out he did the same thing to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just spend all his winnings on flying girls out to Texas and then ripping their hearts out with his bare hands?
Okay so Shanley shows up and tells us that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.
Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to scare her.
Okay Sam and Bria are kind of defending him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies reading this right now, NO. Do not defend a dude who threatened to release revenge porn of another woman! Who cares that he didn’t actually have it! (Which I don’t believe anyways.) I honestly can’t even think of something mean enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a creative way to say he’s worse than the trash floating in the suspicious puddle I saw on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I think Nutsa would agree.
Now Terry gives Zak the chance to talk because we’re all just DYING to hear this manipulative prick explain why HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to release revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he will ever change.
(Joey, I’m sorry I compared you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging.)
On the commercial break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Seriously MTV, if I see him on a show again I will at the very least send your office multiple glitter bombs. Try cleaning that up, assholes.
We have finally made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:
- Everyone agrees Bria and Zak were the worst fight in the house
- Sam and Cali made up in the airport
- Everyone would do it again even without the money (probs because the alcohol is free)
And that’s all folks! This was all fun and games until someone threatened to release revenge porn, huh? I hope you all enjoyed the drama as much as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone never give up on love!
Images: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram
All right people, we’re back at it for another week! And by back at it, I mean our gang of lovable losers is blacking out and hooking up, and I’m trying not to get any potato chips on my computer. Thus far I’ve been successful, but the keys are greasy. Let’s begin!
Oh yes!! The “previously on” segment reminds me that we were left hanging last week. We’re waiting to see if the strategy devised by a girl who called Brett by the name of Zak for an entire argument worked. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of faith.
And the gang gets four beams! Which means that Cali’s strategy did actually kind of work. But it also proved that she picked the wrong person as her perfect match, so I stand by my earlier statement that implied she was a dummy. So let’s break down what this actually tells us: Cam and Kayla are not a match, and Cali and Tomas are not a match. And Tevin and Kenya might still be. I’m not sure what else it tells us, though, because I guess I’m a dummy too.
Kenya and Tevin are feeling real smug about this outcome right now, and it’s making them about 900% more annoying than they usually are. Fun!
Cam and Kayla go outside to figure out what this means for them. They are sad. Cam says he told Kayla things he never told anyone else, and I’m betting it’s definitely about what happened in the basement during rush. They decide they’re going to stay together as a couple but also play this game. So like, what does that mean? Can he get a blowie or nah?
Back inside, Morgan is pissed at Zak. He promises not to kiss other people anymore. LOL his promises are worth about as much as Morgan’s hair extensions.
Outside, Cali and Tomas are talking about how they’re not a match. Here’s how it goes.
Tomas: I’m so sad I don’t know how I can carry on
Kwasi, Daniel, and Lewis decide to pull Moe aside and tell him he needs to start stepping up and looking for his match. Okay, but collectively between these guys, we have one that’s hooked up with Samantha and one that got his d*ck sucked by Kenya and THAT’S IT. So we’re not really talking to the love experts over here. Moe decides he’ll pursue Kayla, and I’m already worried for him because she’s over in the corner, breasts being peppered with kisses from Cam, undeterred by the fact they’re not a match. Sweet, sweet Moe. I fear you’re about to get your heart broken.
Sam sets up a scavenger hunt for Daniel and it’s flashing me back to my sorority days when I would show up at chapter, make fun of everyone, and then not participate in dumbass activities like these! Enjoy, Daniel!
Daniel is getting a little thrown off since the cameraman is following him. Yes, Daniel. That’s what’s been happening for the last few weeks, ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?! How much has he been drinking? This scavenger hunt shockingly leads Daniel to the bedroom where Sam is waiting for him, dressed as a dominatrix who is attracted to sweaty, smelly men.
Papa T shows up, so you know what time it is. No, not time for a stern lecture about getting their grades up, but time for fate to f*ck some more sh*t up. Fate chooses Tevin and Kwasi and to everyone’s SURPRISE, Kenya and Morgan. How LUCKY! She always lands on the couples they want! If this is how fate works, I’m taking her to Vegas and treating her to the penny slots. Mama needs a new car!
Papa T announces that they will be ATV’ing for the date but then announces a surprise that he’s throwing the crew A PARTY! Wait, was this not a party all along? Was this a medical conference? Why do they pretend that something they do every night is special? Oh I’m sorry, now that I see them getting ready I realize that a party means more glitter. I’d also say maybe they oil themselves up, but I’m looking at Daniel, and we all know from Sam he is a SWEATY MAN so perhaps it’s just his natural juices.
Okay things are getting very soft-core porn-y at this party. Is this what Papa T intended? I would think he’d be very disappointed in all the genital-to-genital contact going on here.
Kwasi and Jasmine, with an assist from tequila, are starting to really get along.
Cam is a hot commodity at his party, apparently his dance moves are really turning the ladies on. Also he’s very sweaty so everybody keep Samantha away!
Cali is also getting her freak on and attracting the attention of, you guessed it, ZAK!! That motherf*cker who just promised Morgan he wouldn’t make out with anyone else. THAT VERY SAME ONE. He starts telling Cali she could be his match and trying to get her to make out with him!!! Morgan overhears all of this and has finally decided to stop being Zak’s doormat in and confronts him saying “So you’re saying Cali’s what you need, not me?!”
And guys, it gets BETTER!! Nutsa is cracking me up right now! Yelling “Morgan! Love yourself b*tch! Nobody else is going to do it for you!” all the while grinding up on some dude. Multi-tasking! I’m legit recording that and playing it for myself any time I’m feeling down. And you know what, Nutsa’s voice is actually growing on me. It’s kind of endearing.
Morgan is done with Zak, and I am SO GLAD. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Zak will f*ck whatever is in front of him. Hide your dogs! Hide your sandwiches!
Guys, I appreciate Moe so much. He is really trying! And he’s been so nice to Kayla.
Daniel and Cali start dry humping on the dance floor, so I’m sure Sam’s earrings are gonna be coming off soon for a fight. Oh! No they’re not. She’s crying! Now I feel bad. How dare that sweaty man treat her like this?!
Oh WAIT! The earrings have come off! Sam is confronting Cali and poses the age-old question: “Do you think it’s okay to rub your vagina on my guy’s d*ck?!” Unfortunately Sam, I think the answer to that is yes, because she was just doing it. For a while, actually.
Okay I’m starting to think Papa T threw this party and he knew just what would happen. Perhaps he’s less wholesome than he lets on. Because DAMN people are freaking out left and right. Now Tevin is flirting with Jasmine. Did they spike all the drinks with Viagra or something?? Because all the dudes be thinking with their d*cks tonight. And now Kenya is upset.
We’ve finally made it to morning and the glitter survived, but dignity, livers, and relationships did not. But it’s time for our daters to ATV! Hopefully none of them have the spins!
On the date, Tevin and Kenya establish they still like each other. Great. Moving on. It’s time to decide who’s going in the truth booth. And it’s Tevin and Kenya! Why do I get the very bad no good terrible feeling that they are going to leave me on cliffhanger? Don’t do me like that, Terry!
Annnnnnd I was right! I’m boycotting! I’m never watching this show again. GET A NEW RECAPPER. Okay fine, I’m being dramatic but oh hey hi MTV publicist that sends me these episodes early, can I get next week’s real quick?
Well that was a wild ride, and a really fun episode. See all you peeps next time, and I hope that you all remember this week to love yourself, b*tch!
Images: Giphy (4)
How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome back for another beautiful week of watching degenerates that MTV found passed out on a public bathroom floor make fools of themselves on TV. Look, I know I’m hard on these guys, but I will say that it is nice to break up my string of Dick Wolf shows with this train wreck. There’s only so much child murder I can watch before I need a little drunken debauchery palette cleanser, am I right? And on that note, let’s begin!
Right away we are reminded that Lewis told Asia that he’s not attracted to her. She declares she’s done with him, but she hadn’t previously gotten any of his not-so-subtle hints (aka having another girl suck his d*ck) that he wasn’t that into her, so who can say if this will stick, really?
In all seriousness though, I feel bad for both of them. Asia obviously liked Lewis so it sucks to hear that someone isn’t attracted to you, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. And Lewis was actually pretty straight-up with Asia AND was still trying to get to know her in case she was his match, even though she physically makes him about as excited as stale rye bread. Damn, if there weren’t nine other people still there for each of them to bang, I’d be feeling real depressed right about now.
Okay Cali calling herself a “power couple” right now with a dude that couldn’t even get it up for her and is wearing the same ripped skinny jeans I got at Anthropologie last week is KILLING ME. This is apparently enough for us, ladies. I swear 2018 gave us all lobotomies.
Over in the pool, Brett is still mourning the loss of what could have been with Cali.
Brett: I’m so sad about Cali
Brett to Nutsa:
Back on the couch, Zak, Morgan, and Morgan’s rogue weave are making out. But apparently this is too “boring” for Zak, who prefers drama in a relationship. You know what, let the boy have his drama, I say! Let him be verbally assaulted. Let him get 175 drunken late night phone calls. Let him be strangled slowly in what Bria will later claim was a consensual sexual encounter. It’s what he deserves. And then at least this dumbass will finally be out of my face.
And like the bottom-feeding leech she is, Bria notices Zak’s “boredom” and decides to stir the pot. TBH I would think this was all pretty hilarious if I wasn’t so sure that this was going to turn into an episode of Snapped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s house gets burned to the ground.
Over on the floor full of mattresses, Nutsa and Brett decide to finally relieve the sexual tension by hooking up next to Jasmine’s head. Which is the most action she’s gotten since that Tevin paint night, so I’m sure she’s not complaining.
We’ve made it to morning and Asia is making what looks like delicious cinnamon rolls. Lewis! Get her back while you can! Do you really need to be sexually attracted to someone, or can you take the good stuff from a relationship and ignore the rest? If Melania can do it, so can you!
In the bathroom, Nutsa reveals to Jasmine that she sucked Brett’s d*ck last night and like, duh she already knows, Nutsa. You got a little spit in her hair. Nutsa is very proud of herself and thinks that they should all be sucking more d*ck on this show. I’m sure the men would not disagree.
Papa T enters the building and reminds our contestants that they are about as good at this game as my CEO is at not commenting on female employees’ “figures”. He has decided that they’re going to switch up they way they pick dates YET AGAIN because no one at MTV thought out how terribly f*cking insane this fate button idea was and now they’re trying to backtrack as much as possible without admitting they were doing lines of coke during the pre-show meetings. So today fate will choose the women, and then the women will choose the men. Can they choose mozzarella sticks instead? Asking for a friend.
Fate chooses Nutsa and Bria, and somehow Bria convinces everyone that Brett and Zak should go on the date with them. Damn! The devil works hard, but Bria works harder. Meanwhile, Brett is freaking out and telling Asia he doesn’t think Nutsa is his match and to “get the house under control.” GREAT, BRETT. That’s Information that would have been useful to them YESTERDAY.
It also seems they got one over on Papa Terry who I expected to be VERY disappointed in this manipulation, but he seems to have no idea what’s going on. The showrunners must have passed him some of their drugs.
Our crew is canoeing on the date, and Nutsa likes it because it was so beautiful and romantic in The Notebook. You know, the movie where they both die in the end. Oh sorry, was that a spoiler?!
Just leaving this here to remind you that NONE of these dudes will ever be Ryan Gosling. And don’t you forget it, Zak.
On the date, Nutsa and Zak break off on their own to chat, but then SOMEHOW Bria and Zak get to hang out as well. Where did Brett go? Did they make him stay in the canoe and think about what he’s done? Bria and Zak start making out. Ya know, I used to wonder what Zak saw in Bria, but now I don’t anymore. I’ve decided I don’t think Zak sees anything in anyone. I think if a wall tried to make out with him he would do it. Until he decided that wall was too drama-free for him and the other wall started giving him the eye so he went to make out with that one. AND SO ON AND SO ON UNTIL WE ALL DIE.
Finally Brett gets some time to hang out with Nutsa and he uses it to tell her he thinks she’s hot but not deep. Maybe you just weren’t listening while you sprayed champagne on her tits, huh Brett? Anyways, Nutsa decides to open up to Brett a lot and tells him that her parents came over when she was 12 and sacrificed everything for her. She doesn’t say where they came from, but I can only imagine it was Whoville.
Back at the house Papa T asks how the date was. Brett and Nutsa are glowing and now everyone at the house is pissed because he told them not to put them in the truth booth together. And it looks like his subterfuge worked, because the house picked Nutsa and Zak to go in the truth booth.
Zak and Nutsa are not a match! How long until the mob kills Brett? 30 seconds, you think?
Okay so it has officially become the week in the show where someone decides they need to go week by week and figure out who sat together. A tip for next season’s cast: why don’t you start this strategy as soon as you get there? Just spitballing ideas here!
The next day Cali gathers the crew around and tells them her strategy. She basically suggests splitting up the “power couples” to see who the beams really were. Again, I love that they continue to call themselves “power couples” as if they are Beyoncé and Ja- Z and not just two drunks from Florida with GED’s.
We’ve made it to the match-up ceremony and it’s the guys’ week to choose. Let’s see how this one goes.
- Brett chooses Nutsa
- Daniel chooses Samantha
- Tevin chooses Kenya
- Andrew chooses Lauren
Papa T calls Zak down and asks him how the date went with Bria. Zak, you might as well just cut off your own balls now, because if you answer this question someone’s gonna do it. Like the dummy he is, Zak admits he made out with Bria and honestly he’s just lucky that Morgan doesn’t carry around a rusty spoon in that crop top. Because then he picks her as his match. Such a lucky girl!!
It’s at this point in the match-up ceremony that Cali proudly declares there’s a strategy to this madness, and Terry is not pleased. He doesn’t want them to use strategy, he wants them to play with their hearts! I don’t know why he keeps saying this. They are playing with their hearts! They’re just at a disadvantage because their hearts are weighed down by tequila. Tequila hearts are dumb hearts.
- Lewis picks Bria
- Moe picks Jasmine
- Kwasi picks Asia
- Cam picks Cali
- Tomas picks Kayla
Now it’s time to see how many beams they get and Papa Terry reminds them if they’re right they could win One! Million! Dollars! That’s cute, T. But they won’t get this right and they’re never winning a million dollars. And if they do, it’s actually a million dollars divided by 22 divided by taxes divided by whatever they owe their drug dealers. They’ll have enough left for a pack of gum. Moving on!
And the crew gets one beam! And then they leave us on that cliffhanger, because it’s not bad enough that I just ate all the chocolate chip cookies left in my cabinet on what my enemies are calling national boyfriend day, but now I have to wait to see if Cam and Kayla will get to be together forever. Papa Terry, can you PLEASE give MTV a stern lecture for me? See you all next week!
Images: Giphy (3)
Hello all. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, where you saw all your extended family, and in Alexis’ case, slept with a few. Blood is thicker than condoms, as they say in her trailer park.
Anyway, MTV, like the true terrorist group they are, ran a fucking episode of this D-list trash the night before Thanksgiving, right in the middle of my prime hometown drinking time.
ME, SEEING A NEW EPISODE ON MY DVR THE FRIDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING:
So yeah, I’ll be trying to include parts from last week’s episode in this recap as well, so this show doesn’t feel more nonsensical than it already is. LOL, like that’s hard.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
If you thought you would miss a week of this show and they would actually improve during that week, have I got news for you!
They get three beams, on week nine. Terrence J is like, “That’s the lowest anyone has ever gotten on this show,” and it’s like, okay, that depends on your definition of “low.” Like, between possibly losing the money and going home with an STD, this whole show is rock bottom.
Don’t worry though, guys—Keith, the guy who wears spandex American Flag shorts and looks like every man I have ever avoided at the bar, has got this!
Apparently, he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech, which actually sounds like something every guy you avoid at the bar would say. I trust Keith about as much as the American public trusts our president.
According to Keith, Michael and Keyana are a match. Everyone is like, fuuuuuuuck really? While Keyana is like fuuuuuuuuck you all; I told you. I’m rooting for them to be a match, but I’m also 79% sure Michael will eventually bat for the other team. You can trust me, I studied statistics at Virginia Tech.
Shad is openly skeptical about this whole “blindly trusting Keith” thing, and I can’t blame him. But then again, who could you trust? A dude named Shad? We’re honestly between a rock and a dude with an IQ of a rock here.
Michael is so happy he can openly flirt with Geles now that he and Audrey are a no-match. They’ve been talking about their sexual chemistry for eight episodes now, and it’s like, we get it, you wanna bone.
PERSON IN THE HOUSE: Wow, the weather is really nice today.
MICHAEL AND GELES: Honestly, we have so much sexual chemistry we need to release.
They release the sexual chemistry on the bed that Zoe is literally sleeping in, in the communal area, in front of Audrey. 3/3 for being the worst kind of people. Like, you heathens couldn’t even go to the Boom Boom Room? I know Geles is made up of 80% eyelashes and extensions, but somewhere in that body there has to be a brain to tell her that this is fucking gross.
Audrey is crying to Shad, and he’s like, “You’re the whole package, and you can have my whole package too.”
Shad goes into this whole talk about how women are like weather, and he’s like an oak tree that can withstand the weather, hence why he is perfect for Audrey. Okay, I’ll have what Shad’s having.
SHAD: *hits blunt* I’m like, a tree, ya know?
DD and Kareem are bonding over the fact that they both are from the same state, and they both “hate being screwed over.” Wow, what a shocking coincidence. It’s so amazing when you have an unbreakable bond with someone who shares the same generic and obvious traits as you. Love is beautiful.
Meanwhile, at a Donald Trump rally near you, Keith and Alexis are still dating. Honestly, Alexis must have a platinum vagina, because the fact that Keith still is with her after she told him to die in a car crash and then hysterically introduced him to her stuffed bunny rabbit friend is inspiring. I once told a dude I didn’t like avocado, and he asked for the check.
Oh, to be young and redneck.
For the challenge they need to have one of three couples go in, Dimetri/DD, Clinton/Geles, or Nicole/Tyler, so they can finally get a fucking perfect match.
The guys will get asked a question about the girls, and if they are wrong (or don’t answer first), then they need to move a pole from a tower that has balls in it. If the ball falls, that person is out. That felt really technical…. Let’s throw in a “fuck” in here to keep it up to brand.
Anyway, Keith, Tyler, and Anthony—the guy with the lisp that haunts me in my dreams—win.
Keith takes DD because she hasn’t been on a date yet, which is kind of nice. Anthony takes Zoe to low-key piss off Geles, which I approve of. And Tyler picks Nicole, obvi.
They are going to a haunted mansion, which sounds like the worst date ever. If my date tried to take me there, I would just scream, “I don’t like avocado,” and hope he takes my ass home.
TBH, no house could possibly be scarier than Anthony’s ripped jeans. They really need to win this money so this poor boy can afford actual clothes. Poor Tyler, he knows that if shit goes down, that he’s going to be the first to go.
Duh, because he’s the largest and easiest to grab! Get your head out of the MAGA gutter!
Anthony says to Zoe, “You were the girl I wanted to date since day one,” which is some babyback bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.
ANTHONY: I liked you from the moment I saw you.
Zoe refuses to
have sex with get close to Anthony because she is friends with Geles, which is—wait for it—fucking stupid, since Geles and Anthony haven’t been a match since the beginning of time. I mean, if Zoe was like, “I can’t get to know him because of his speech impediment,” I’d be like, fair enough.
Nicole tells Tyler that she likes to date shitty guys and then fix them, and Tyler’s like, “Oh, so you’re the worst kind of girl ever, then. Got it.” He tells her that she has the system all wrong because
he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech it never works.
They start making out and downing wine, which is always a great start to a relationship. Even though Nicole still looks like she is in physical pain being with Tyler, I am still rooting for them.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Obviously, everyone sends Tyler and Nicole to the truth booth. And thank you sweet baby Jesus, they are a perfect match.
The house is super excited, and they start singing a made up song about AYTO. Worst remake of High School Musical EVER.
ME, WATCHING THIS:
Geles and Clinton are talking—and by talking, I mean, Geles is shoving her tits in Clinton’s face—while Clinton is asking Jesus for forgiveness for thinking impure thoughts. Uche walks by, super pissed off, and Geles is like, “She kind of scares me.” Really? Uche’s personality is on par with paint drying on a wall, so the only way she could hurt you is like, by boring you to death.
Geles is low-key begging Clinton to make out with her, and this is what I imagine is going through Clinton’s dumb but pretty head:
Eventually, Clinton goes back to Uche. He’s been really tired lately, and he figures a 10 minute conversation with her will put him straight to sleep.
MY MOM: Say what you will about Geles, but at least she’s getting to know all the guys in the house.
Yes, I’m sure Geles is very popular.
The house decides to practice out the strategy with Keith acting as Trump and Alexis acting as Sarah Sanders. Shad takes the role of the FBI and decides to question wtf is going on here.
Keith asks Shad if he thinks he and Audrey are a match, and Shad’s like, “Well yeah, because when you see yourself in five years…” and Keith is like, “WRONG! That’s not an answer. Crooked Shad! Always Lying! I’m the best at answers, believe me.”
Shad keeps trying to explain himself, and literally, no one lets him fucking speak. Alexis is like, “Don’t listen to Shad, he’s dumb. Keith is smart.” Alexis, you literally have a third grade education. A fucking high school junior is like Einstein to you.
They are basing this whole strategy on either Joe and Zoe being a match or Shad and Audrey being a match. Though Shad swears to god they are, he’s sadly disregarded (much like our FBI), and they go with the dumber solution instead.
I want justice for Shad. #TheResistance
THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY
Keith is hoping this match-up gives them more information, so ya know, he can Virginia Tech this thing up. For a guy so good at math, he should know the odds of Alexis killing him one day are like, really high.
Anthony goes first and picks Uche. Well, there’s a couple I would never associate with ever.
Joe picks Zoe, because strategy.
Dimitri picks Audrey. After last week and his bullshit with Jada (he basically was the biggest dick to her because he didn’t want to be her match), Dimitri, or Demitri or whatever the fuck his name is, can eat a bag of dicks. JADA DOES NOT DESERVE YOU PEOPLE.
Shad picks Alivia, who is offering her first born child for this to not be real.
Clinton picks Geles obvi.
Uche gives Geles the go-ahead “to do whatever she wants with Clinton,” and Geles is like, “See all the roadblocks stopping me from getting to know Clinton!!!!!!! So many obstacles!!!!!”
Malcolm picks Alexis. LOL, like Alexis would ever bring Malcolm home to mom and dad.
Keith is up next. Everyone is, like, very concerned about this strategy, especially Shad. Shad tries to speak again, and Keith tells him to shut the fuck up. Normally, I would be rooting for a fight here, but Keith would wipe the floor with Shad’s Abercrombie ass.
It’s so hard having to watch two dudes you love, but also equally hate, fight. :/
Keith picks Jada.
Ethan picks Nurys. Yeah, that’s another fight I wouldn’t bet on. How in the world is Ethan going to handle Nurys’ dick?
Kareem picks DD because they have so much in common. I mean, did you see how she has teeth AND he has teeth?! Unreal!
Michael picks Keyana, who is ready to be petty AF when it turns out she is right. YAS GURL.
So, they end up getting five out of 11, which is like, not good. But what do I know? I didn’t study statistics and math at Virginia Tech.
Last week’s episode was more lit than a Menorah on day eight, ya heard. Between Geles and Taylor getting in a fight that killed my own brain cells and Kareem throwing inanimate objects at the girl he supposedly loves, the whole episode was the best holiday gift that anyone could have given me. Thanks MTV!
So anyways, we found out that Keith and Alivia are not a match, which thrilled the two
potential murderers loose cannons of the house, Alexis and Kareem. Let’s pick off where that massive shit storm left off. *pours wine*
Post Truth-Bomb Dumpster Fire
In a not shocking turn of events, Kareem is losing his fucking mind over this Truth Booth being a no-match. While I’m silently dialing 911, DD is loving this psycho shit Kareem is letting lose. Nothing makes her hornier than questioning her own safety.
DD When Malcolm Calls Her A Slut: How dare he? I don’t like guys that disrespect me!!!
DD When Kareem Flips A Table In Her Direction:
After being denied by the Truth Booth, Keith is like, “Maybe I do have feelings for Alexis?” which is code for, “Alexis is literally the only way I’m getting laid at this point.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Keith runs after Alexis, as she continues to make oddly specific threats about how she wants to mutilate his body.
Alexis is screaming, “I didn’t kiss anyone when we were together!!!!” and he’s like, “Well, we’re in the house, so we’re not technicallllllly together.” Ah, gotta love those technicalities. Alexis storms off, and the audience collectively takes a breath because Keith may live to see another day.
DD, Jada, and Nurys are all shit talking Malcolm in the most diverse remake of John Tucker Must Die. I’m digging this vibe rn. Anyways, Nurys tells DD that she and Malcolm had sex like, the day before BananaGate.
Finally these two dummies have figured out what was already confirmed to viewers when we saw his ex (yikes): Malcolm ain’t shit.
Meanwhile, Geles is talking to Audrey about how she is “so in love with Anthony” and how she would “give up a million dollars for him.” It’s honestly so good of MTV to let people who are borderline braindead on this show.
Geles has finally realized that Anthony wants nothing to do with her or her eyelashes, and now she sets her sights on someone equally as mediocre—Johnny Bravo. She decides to tell Audrey—ya know, his in-house girlfriend—about this romantic connection she and JB have.
Audrey plays it off like all is well and that she doesn’t want to hang Geles by her extensions. She’s like, “I love that you’re being real with me,” and there is literally no part of Geles that is real, so you can cut the bullshit.
DD and Nurys corner Malcolm in a weird deleted scene from The Other Woman. They are all talking and getting in each others’ faces, and you know somewhere in the distance, Keith is yelling, “Threesome!”
DD calls Malcolm out for having sex with Nurys, and Malcolm’s like, “I had sex with Nurys? I must have forgotten! See here’s the thing, I fall a lot, and my dick was out, so like….it could have happened.” Geles and Malcolm should be a couple, so they can have the combined IQ of a grapefruit.
DD calls Malcolm out for being a fucking liar, and Malcolm is like, “ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO DOUBLE TEAM ME RIGHT NOW?!” and Keith is like, “YESSSS.”
Malcolm is getting super pissed that he’s getting called out for things he actually did and starts calling the girls bitches. Malcolm, wanna intern for the Roy Moore campaign? I feel like it’s a good fit for you.
The girls decide to interview team likable—who I have begrudgingly added Shad to, ugh—and they’re like, “We need to stop being so superficial.” YA FUCKIN’ THINK?! And okay, superficial? I would climb Tyler like a fucking tree.
Joe starts talking about being in a cult and it’s like, damn, are the Scientologists gonna be okay with this? When did my remote switch to the Leah Remini show?
Uche is into him now because they both grew up as weird Jesus freaks. Nothing brings two people together faster than the understanding that organized religion is a sham 99% of the time. Mazel tov!
They start talking and realize they kind of actually have a connection (weird). Uche is like, “Yeah, Clinton and I spend every night together, but it’s the DAYS that are important.” Oh, is that how dating works? Mmm okay, I’ll just go ahead and let my boyfriend know that.
Kareem and Nurys are talking about how they are both angry AF and have no control over their behavior even though Kareem looks old enough to be my father.
Kareem says he’s going to pursue a different match after Alivia wasn’t receptive to his
abuse love. Thankfully for him, there are plenty of other girls with low self-esteem and anger issues in the house for him to choose from. Ya know what they say about plenty of fish…
Geles and Johnny Bravo are having the world’s lamest conversation, only barely beating any conversation Uche and Clinton have.
JB admits that he’s into Geles but won’t sleep with her because “he’s with Audrey.” How noble of him. Don’t call him a hero.
They acknowledge that they have a physical connection, and of course, JB runs and tells Audrey about this discovery. She gets upset and JB’s like, “What did I do?” If only the steroids he clearly abuses worked on his brain.
Audrey is like, “I’m pretty mad,” but the thing is that totally rhymes with “I should date Shad.” What? Who said that?
JB goes into recovery mode and immediately tells Audrey everything she’s ever wanted to hear ever.
Audrey: Am I prettier than her?
A: Am I funnier than her?
A: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
JB: 3 Months
A: And your boyfriend’s name is?
They make up in the Boom Boom Room, and JB is like, “Girls think I have a small penis, but I swear I don’t.”
The man-child doth protest too much.
Everyone is kind of mingling and getting to know each other, and Shad has to go and ruin everything by opening his fucking mouth. I love to hate Shad, mostly because I think in real life he’d probably be my best friend. Truth hurts.
Shad’s like, “I need a pretty girl next to me at the match ceremony,” and sets his sights on Zoe. Zoe looks like she wants to die round two, because we saw round one when she was with Keith. Shad leans in for the kiss, and Zoe compares kissing Shad to kissing her mailman, which is immediately wrong because we all know Shad doesn’t deliver in the bedroom.
Not going to lie, it really annoys me how bitchy Zoe gets toward Shad after that. Like damn bitch, you’re sitting lakeside, on a reality show, next to a glorified frat boy named SHAD. Did you think you guys were just gonna go outside and chat?
Ugh, I hate that I like Shad; it’s so bad for my reputation.
Kareem is up first because he threatened to murder anyone who tried to go before him.
Kareem says that he saw a side of himself he doesn’t like, and its like, is there a single likable side to you?
Kareem picks Nurys, and DD’s like, “Wow. Lol, again Nurys and I are going after the same shitty guy!” There is truly no hope for these girls.
Anthony’s up next and basically says he doesn’t give a fuck about what Geles thinks. Thankfully for him, Geles doesn’t think too often.
Geles starts yelling at Anthony, and Audrey chimes in and is like, “Well, you are kind of shady.” Normally I would tell Audrey to stay in her lane, but if her lane cuts off Geles it’s chill.
Now Geles and Audrey are yelling at each other. All the dudes are like, “Why are you this way,” except Kareem, who has the weirdest boner from all this conflict rn.
After all this bullshit, Anthony picks Keyana. Of course, Keyana still misses Johnny Bravo because she’s a little babyback bitch.
Speaking of bitch, JB is up next! Terrence J is like, “The girls are fighting over you,” and the girls are like, “No we aren’t!” *eye rolls*
JB and his micro-penis admit they are afraid of the girls, which is probably why he’ll come out as gay in a few months. You heard it here first.
JB picks Audrey.
The Shad is up next. He picks Alivia because “she went to a good school and so did I.” See, I’m telling you that we would be friends IRL. Ugh.
Keith picks Jada because they are homies. I love both of them, so I’m HERE FOR IT.
Dimitri picks DD because “she can put him in his place,” which she could, if his place was the hospital.
Joe picks Uche.
Nicole picks Tyler. Finally pulling her head out of her ass and accepting that he’s hot.
Ethan picks Zoe.
Geles picks Clinton.
Malcolm picks Alexis.
Alexis is openly like, “I shouldn’t be so in love with Keith,” and it’s like, yeah, probs not. Alexis is a stage five clinger for sure.
Malcolm says that he deserved being called out by the girls (duh) and apologized for calling DD a dick rider. He said he’s “working on himself” which seemed genuine, but I’m also a bottle of wine in, so who knows.
Damn, I hate when everyone is okay and I have no one to dislike. Oh wait, Geles exists! Okay we’re fine. I feel good about this match-up, honestly, and it turns out they get five beams! Still failing, but not as much as before, which was also my motto in calculus class.
After The Match Up
Ethan is pumped and decides to skinny dip. Ethan, sweetie, I love you, but put your fuckin’ clothes on.
Everyone gets naked except Shad, who sits and watches while comparing getting five beams on AYTO to putting man on the moon. What good school did he go to? University of Phoenix?
Tyler and Nicole are flirting, and she’s like, “I love shitty guys,” and Tyler is like, “Can’t relate.” These two are a beam, I’m putting this into writing now.
Keith walks by Alexis, and she’s like, “I fucking hate him,” and IN THE BEST EDIT IN MTV HISTORY EVER, it immediately goes to her in the confessional crying and shaking about how much she loves Keith. I’m not proud of how hard I laughed at work, while watching this on my phone under my desk during office hours.
Alexis is holding her stuffed animal and drunkenly crying, and Keith is like, “You’re immature,” and she’s like “FUCK YOU, HOW DARE YOU.” She tells Keith she loves him and starts crying and screaming. Keith is like, “Can someone restrain her please?” Alexis swears she isn’t drunk, but if I was her, I would have blamed that shit on the alcohol so fast.
Keith is like, “I shouldn’t love her, but I can’t get away,” which sums up my relationship with Adderall, so I get it.
The game this week is about trust, and they make everyone go through an obstacle course. The guys are blindfolded and have to carry the girl piggyback across this whole thing.
Geles is like, “I’m walking towards JB, but he is walking towards his girlfriend, which is a bummer.” Geles has lived her whole life blindfolded by her eyelashes, so this challenge should prove extra challenging to her team. She pairs up with Clinton.
Alexis is with Shad and is freaking out at him. She’s like “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING INTO THE WALL, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE BLINDFOLDED!!!!!”
Ethan and his dad bod, which he proudly displayed the night before, are struggling to hold Jada up. Jada’s like two seconds away from putting Ethan on her back and winning this fuckin thing.
Somehow JB and Audrey win, and Alivia and Joe come in second.
Terrence J, being the good chaperone he is, decides to let the kids have a little party and tells them they are doing a Mardi Gras boat party. All the castmates are pumped, but no one is more excited than me—party episodes are ALWAYS a mess.
Me Next Week:
This week on AYTO was kind of a doozy. I disagreed with someone I generally like, for once agreed with Terrence J, and finally used skills from that one psych class I took in college to identify my first psychopath! Kareem, be sure to DM me to claim your prize later, ya fucking lunatic.
AT THE HOUSE
They just got 3 beams, which is like, meh. Not great, not zero. Alivia and Kareem are still hooking up, and she’s like, “I hate myself,” and it’s like, k.
Alexis says that Keith makes her want to better herself and do inspiring things like go back to get her middle school education. Love takes us to new heights, y’all. <3
Meanwhile, confirmed no-matches Dimetri/Nicole and Geles/Anthony are still hooking up, which is, like, fucking pointless on so many levels. How Geles is even able to see Anthony through the mile-long eyelashes she has is beyond me. They say that love is blind, I guess.
The likable guys—Ethan, Joe, and Tyler—and Shad, are all pissed because, like, half the girls have their heads up some dude’s asshole, and they can’t play the game correctly.
Kareem, on the other hand, thinks those guys need to “get out, meet people,” and it’s like well, that’s kinda hard to do when you’re balls deep in a girl 24/7 and can’t handle when she even looks at another dude. Like, is Joe just supposed to chill out on the side of the bed in The Boom Boom Room and ask her questions about herself while you two are hooking up?
REAL PIC OF JOE:
They need Clinton and Uche in the Truth Booth, so they can get a confirmed match, and hopefully, get those two vanilla motherfuckers back to the church camp they escaped from.
It’s the guys challenge this time, and they have to learn things about the girls via their family members. The guy who guesses the right answer first gets to eliminate someone, but if they answer incorrectly, they’re eliminated.
Audrey apparently lied to her parents about being on this show and told them she got an internship in “Cali,” which should have been the first indicator that she was lying, because literally no one calls it that.
After a series of not-so-riveting reveals, the fate of the game comes down to whether Uche’s cherry has been popped. Now this is high-quality television, you guys.
Eventually, the winners are Tyler, Clinton, and Keith, who pick Jada, Uche (duh), and Alivia, respectively.
ANDDDDD BACK TO THE HOUSE
Joe starts talking to Alivia and casually asks about Kareem. Alivia gets triggered faster than your racist Uncle Conrad on a pro-Black Lives Matter Facebook post and tells Joe that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Joe’s actually pretty fucking respectful about it.
JOE: “Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”
ME TALKING INTO MY THIRD GLASS OF WINE: … you pansy-ass bitch
Alivia does exactly what every girl who “isn’t like most girls” does and slyly starts drama. She immediately goes to Kareem and tells him that Joe asked her about him.
He grabs Alivia by her chin (which he does a lot) and yells at her about what she needs to do, etc. Kareem genuinely fucking frightens me. Like, if I was Alivia’s friend, I would probably be openly concerned for the fact that he grabs her like that and speaks to her like a fuckin’ controlling father. MTV—really great casting on this. I hope you’re willing to pay for Alivia’s therapy bills.
They go on a Mississippi River steamboat, which sounds like a really gross sexual act that someone tells you to “look up on Urban Dictionary.”
Clinton and Uche start talking about kids and dogs and if Uche is willing to move to the East Coast, and it’s like, woah. Lots of decisions. Idk what I even want to put on my Chipotle burrito when I’m like, halfway in line. Can you just like, chill for a sec?
Alivia tries to open a champagne bottle with her teeth, which is like so dangerous. Why can’t Kareem yell tidbits of common sense in her face, so she avoids stupid shit like this?
Alivia is talking to Keith and she’s like, “Idk if I want Kareem in my life, because he’s so smart that he makes me go back to him, whereas you’re like, you.” Keith’s like, “Fair enough.”
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Of course, the house sends Clinton and Uche to the Truth Booth. They both wanna hustle and get this shit over with, so they can make it to the 7:30 bible study class. Today Janet brought lemonade and used real sugar—gonna be a fuckin’ rager.
Unfortunately, someone didn’t kiss their prayer beads this morning, because it’s a NO MATCH. This is a big hit for the house, because these two have literally been sitting together the whole show, whiiiiiich means they know nothing, and I still have to write these fuckin’ recaps!
Uche starts breaking down and is really mourning the loss of the potential D she may have gotten in the honeymoon suite.
About 2.5 seconds after the Truth Booth, Jada goes up to Clinton and asks him to talk. She basically is like, “You need to branch out to other girls…. Actually no, just me.” See the funny thing about branching out is, you’re gonna need to bring a few condoms to do it.
They both talk about how they literally don’t know each other, and everyone watching is like, yeah. We know. Why are we here again? And then they leave. Pointless.
However, Satan has clearly possessed Uche and she pulls a Kareem and freaks out about two people talking. She comes in HOT at Jada, who like, did nothing wrong.
Uche’s like, “What did you say to Clinton!?,” acting like Jada came out kitty-first rather than literally just talking to him. Jada’s like, two seconds from reminding Uche who the fuck she thinks she is talking to, and I do not blame her one bit. Uche was foul with this one.
Clinton’s like, “Wtf Uche is kinda a jealous bitch, that’s not my type,” and it’s like, Alivia, get your notebook out, sweetie. Write this down.
Jada runs off and starts crying, which is kinda not what I expected. Give me the curb stomp I signed up for, dammit! Jada’s like, “I respected Clinton and Uche’s relationship for so long,” which is def true. I’ve seen some fucked up shit, from being the only viewer of this show for the last five years, and Jada’s def taken the high road.
Jada then starts flipping the fuck out and hitting shit, and THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT.
Uche swears to God that she did nothing wrong in this instance, and you know sweet baby Jesus is up in heaven like:
Uche’s like, “It’s hurtful to me that we have to play this game as it was intended,” and it’s like, buck up, snowflake. Make MTV Great Again!
Speaking of Trump voters, Alexis still thinks Keith is her match, and she said the feelings she has freak her out more than a transgender person existing and doing absolutely nothing to harm her.
Keith is like, “Alexis knows how to get to me,” and I think that probably has to do with the fact that she’s blown him like, 10 times in the last week. Alexis swears she has trust and abandonment issues, and I guess I could see that, when your house is literally on wheels. If your bathroom could potentially leave you, imagine how hard dating is? I worry for her.
THE MATCH UP CEREMONY
Anthony is up first and picks Nicole. Somewhere in the distance, Geles’ tears trickle down her eyelashes, bringing fresh water to Flint, located hundreds of miles away.
Terrence J decides to Daddy up on these idiots and calls out the no match couples and is like, “You see how this is dumb right?” And Geles is like, “I literally cannot see my own hands.”
Terrence J asks Malcolm if he’s talked to other girls, and he’s like, “Sure. I’ve talked to other girls….” Terrence J asks him who he’s talked to, and it’s like being caught in lie with your parents.
TERRENCE J: Who did you talk to?
MALCOLM: Other girls.
TJ: Which girls?
MALCOLM: Uh… you know… the ones with the eyes.
Of course Malcolm picks DD.
Kareem picks Alivia, dragging her from her chair by her fucking chin.
Joe comes out and is like, “We aren’t playing this game correctly!!!” which, wow, if I had a nickel every time I heard that on this show…
Kareem flips out and is like, “Joe has no connections because he shit talks people!” and it’s like, okay that’s like, the best way to make connections. The fuck are you doing, trying to insult my livelihood like that?
Joe picks Zoe.
Shad picks Audrey, who would much rather be with Johnny Bravo.
Tyler picks Keyana.
Ethan picks Geles, which bothers me. Can I take a second to discuss Geles, because I have THOUGHTS. *takes sip of wine* Geles literally only claims Ethan is her match because she is not attracted to him at all. Like, what do they have in common? *Malcolm answers* “They have eyes.” ANYWAY, it’s sooooo easy for her to pair up with Ethan, who she has zero interest in, because she knows she won’t fuck him, and he’s too nice to make moves on her, so she can still continue to dick around with Anthony. Homegirl, I was in a sorority for four fucking years—I can spot subtle manipulation faster than Jada can run into Clinton’s arms.
Keith picks Alexis.
Clinton picks Jada, lol.
Dimetri picks Uche.
Johnny Bravo picks Nurys.
Overall, it’s a random AF lineup, which is probably why they get one beam. Loooooosahs.
Terrence J finally yells at them for being fucking idiots, and it’s like, wow look who decided to put on his big boy pants today. They go back to the house, tails between their legs, Alivia’s chin in Kareem’s iron grip.
When they get back, Kareem and Anthony face off with Joe and Ethan about how the house is divided. Every once in a while Geles pipes up to agree with Kareem, and it’s like, literally never speak again. Kareem tells E-money and Joe they are losers, and it’s like, if Kareem is supposedly the fucking cool one in the house, you all are bunch of fucking losers.
Like I said, doozy. Tune in next week to see if E-money does the world a favor and punches Kareem, and to see if Alexis finally learns how to spell the word “orange.” Bye!
Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.
So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.
AT THE HOUSE
Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.
Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?
Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.
Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.
Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.
Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”
The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.
Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?
Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.
DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**
NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls
DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS
Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.
Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.
Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?
Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.
Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”
Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.
Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.
Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.
Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?
Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.
Real question—do any of these girls own bras?
Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.
After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.
Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.
The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.
Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.
She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?
MATCH UP CEREMONY
It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.
THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!
Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.
DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??
Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.
Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.
Uche picks Clinton, duh.
Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.
Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.
AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?
THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?
AUDREY: This is fake news.
Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.
Keyana picks Anthony.
Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.
Geles picks Michael.
Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.
Nurys picks Keith.
Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.
Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen
Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.
Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.
Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.
Hi, it’s me, Betch Waldorf, your recapper. Please hold the applause. Sorry for not posting a recap last week, but someone *cough, cough* MTV STUDIOS *cough* did not send me the episode in advance and your girl doesn’t have cable because I’m a refined human being that uses Netflix and illegal downloading exclusively.
Anyway, I’m going to combine last week’s and last night’s episode in one. Here we go.
LAST WEEK MINI RECAP
Guess what—Geles and Anthony are not a match. This comes as a shock to literally no one watching the show, but everyone on the show. Tyler literally said he would “bet his life on Geles and Anthony being a match” and look, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I’m here to collect.
Michael broke up with Keyana because she was acting like she was a second away from looking up body transfusion surgeries with him. She’s like “I don’t care about the money, I just want him.” If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of me loudly groaning at how stupid she is.
The girls go to pick at the match-up ceremony and they get a combined, wait for it, wait for it—one beam. I honestly think it takes hard work to be dumber than the posse of idiot men on the show, so really, great work to all involved. This shit right here is why we get paid 72 cents to every dipshit man’s dollar.
Mike tells Alivia he doesn’t see her and Kareem being a match, and Kareem loses his fucking mind. While he’s having a mental breakdown in the corner and about to tell Michael to “say hello to his little friend”, Zoe is like, “wow look how Kareem stands up for Alivia, I want that.”
Zoe’s strategy this game is to keep her standards super low and just leave them like that until like, she dies. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.
Also, Geles is low-key into Ethan now which like, THANK YOU #SomeoneLoveEthan
After the challenge, where MTV gets the house drunk and makes them do dumb shit (what, MTV?! Never! They would NEVER do that!!!), Nurys and Malcolm get called into the truth booth. They like, confess their love to each other after 14 days and off they go.
Okay I feel like that was substantial. Anyway, onto that new new shit.
THE TRUTH BOOTH CLIFFHANGER
Nurys and Malcolm are in the Truth Booth while DD is praying to her voodoo doll of Malcolm that they are not a match. Luckily for DD, we live in a world that’s going to shit and nothing makes sense anymore, so they aren’t a match.
Nurys and Malcolm start crying and DD’s like “Malcolm, you can cry on my shoulder!” The funny thing about her shoulder is it’s located on her vagina.
AT THE HOUSE
So can we talk about Shad? Let’s do it.
First of all, it’s like his parents wanted him to have an STD growing up, with the name Shad. Like, how can we make our kid INSTANTLY unlikeable? I know, let’s name him fucking Shad.
Second of all, Shad has lived up to my original analysis of being the dude at the frat party who asks you “who you know here” and the proceeds to give you raper face from across the room. Honestly, am I saying all of this because I hate his haircut? Possibly.
Shad’s talking to Alexis about her tattoos and she goes “this tattoo says ‘live free!’” So inspiring, I think to myself. “…And it’s about my cousin who murdered her best friend when she was 17.” AAAAAND we’re back.
Shad will literally do anything to have a semblance of a connection to a girl and he’s like “I too have a tattoo in homage to a murderer.” *whips out his Jeffrey Dahmer tattoo* Hey, Alexis and her family may be incestual murderers, but at least they fucking stand for the flag, dammit! This is America!!!!
Nurys thinks Malcolm will leave her for someone else and he’s like “Really?! You think I would do that?” Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Donald Trump bathe in self tanner?
Nurys doesn’t want to get to know any other dudes while Malcolm is like “we need to play the game… but I want you to have my babies.” Well, that escalated quickly.
Geles and Anthony are back on their bullshit and have sex, even though they aren’t a match and she’s with Ethan, DAMMIT. LOVE ETHAN.
Zoe and Keith, who both don’t seem like the sharpest crayons in the box, are talking strategy. LOL. Meanwhile, Alexis is stressed because she caught the feels for Keith, but I think she should be more worried about being shot at a family reunion.
Kareem decides to take Alivia fishing, because that’s not the most boring shit I have ever heard. Also, why do they get to leave the house? Why doesn’t ETHAN GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, HUH?
KAREEM: I have this great date planned! First, we’re going to watch paint dry. Then we’re going to sit in silence for an hour. So glad we met on this show, I really think the matchmakers got it right.
Kareem keeps complimenting Alivia and she’s like “I wonder why I like him!!!!” Yeah, huh, I wonder why. They both are like “I don’t want to give up this fling for money”—spoken like a true poor person.
Michael and Audrey are talking while Keyana is sobbing in the corner. Ethan is trying to comfort the crazy girl who is obsessed with a dude who looks like a young Mr. Incredible and I really feel like he’s doing his best.
REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:
Off the bat, Terrence J is wearing a sweater that look likes it came from a 90’s sitcom. I’m half expecting the background music to start playing—“in West Philadelphia, born and raised…” He starts asking everyone how they are doing and it’s like, aren’t you out past Uncle Phil’s curfew?
Malcolm’s up first and he and Nurys are like “we’re still together.” Everyone else is like, “the fuck you are.”
Malcolm picks Geles, which Nurys is thrilled about because she hates DD. Everyone else is like, “this is randoooooom.” Geles doesn’t comment, though, because she barely can see what’s going on through the shag carpet she calls eyelashes.
Malcolm reveals he doesn’t want to make Nurys mad by sitting next to DD.
Michael picks Audrey, while Keyana is like “I would take a bullet for Michael!” Is there an on-set therapist?
Joe picks Zoe.
Kareem picks Alivia.
Tyler, who’s so deep in the friend zone it’s beyond repair, picks Nicole.
Dimitri picks Nurys.
Shad picks Keyana.
Ethan picks Alexis. Okay Ethan, I want you to find love, not end up 6 feet under with a possible meth addiction.
Clinton obviously picks Uche and Jada is still, obviously, still weirdly pissed about it.
Clinton’s like “Uche and I could go to church together.” Damn, and I thought fishing was bad. At least I know that fish are real and not some made-up shit from thousands of years ago. What? Who said that?
Anthony picks Jada. And Keith picks DD.
Honestly, this match-up makes zero fucking sense, which is probably why they only end up with two beams. Looooosaaaahs.
Malcolm goes to talk to DD and is like “I didn’t pick you because I didn’t want to look like a player.” DD is like “you should be with me because I can make you better.” Did you know that one of the D’s in DD’s nickname stands for desperate?
This time the girls get to do the challenge and if it’s anything like their match-up ceremony, it’s gonna be a bigger train wreck than the year 2017.
They all pair up into couples and the girls get asked trivia questions about the dudes. If they get it wrong, they get Mardi Gras powder in their face and are out. Last 3 couples standing get to go on a date.
Off the bat, Nurys immediately gets Anthony’s question wrong. Not shocked.
Alexis and Shad are out because he would rather be skinny than poor. Fuckin’ Shad.
Geles and Ethan make it in because LOVE ETHAN.
Malcolm shares that he has some fucking horrible taste in Batman preferences and everyone is furious. He gets out because he likes Ben Affleck more than Christian Bale and that literally makes no sense at all. Does anyone like Ben Affleck after the news this week?
Michael and Audrey are out. Womp womp. Well, at least they still have their white privilege.
Nicole gets asked “Would Dimitri rather live in the Midwest or Manhattan?” and she deadass doesn’t know the difference between Manhattan and the Midwest. One is the place you see represented in every movie ever, and the other is the place that swears to god that coal mining is making a comeback and still weirdly enough runs our country (shoutout to the Electoral College).
Keyana and Tyler are out, because obviously.
Uche and Clinton need to win so they can go on a date, and of course they fuck it up.
So, the couples are Ethan & Geles, Zoe & Keith and Dimiti & Nicole. AKA a bunch of no matches.
Terrence J is like “you’re about to go on the best date ever!” and then sends them on a bar crawl. Honestly, for once the date lived up to Terrence’s description.
Dimitri is super excited to go on a date with Nicole because of her
winning personality huge tits.
Nicole thinks the fact that Dimitri acts like a 7-year-old is adorable. She’s always been a good babysitter and is even CPR certified. She can certainly provide references if you need them.
Dimitri and Nicole start making out. Riveting. Moving on.
Keith and Zoe are being forced into this date by producers like nobody’s business. I imagine someone is legit waving a gun behind the camera, because they look more uncomfortable than an Ikea bed. Keith is like “I don’t think you’re interested in me” and Zoe’s like *takes deep breath of relief* “omg I can’t fuckin’ stand you.”
Zoe tells him that she’s into Kareem and Keith/everyone watching is like “but why?”
Ethan straight-up tells Geles that her being with Anthony makes this friend date suuuuuuper uncomfortable. She’s like “I feel bad. Next time we’ll have sex a little less obviously.”
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Like most grown-ass adults, the folks at the house decide to do a sumo wrestling competition and the winner has to do a dare? Not sure how that works, but let’s just go with it.
They strap pillows around themselves and start running into each other, which will probably result in them losing the remaining few brain cells they each have.
Jada is up and if she wins she gets to lick Nutella off Clintons abs. She’s like “time to suit the fuck up.” If Jada had half as much determination in real life as she does to lick Clinton, shiiiiiit, she might actually have a real job by now. #AnythingIsPossible
However, Audrey is surprisingly strong and ends up beating Jada. Better luck next time.
The winner of Anthony and Michael’s match get the super special opportunity to… lick peanut butter of Nurys’ nipple? Wait what?
Anthony is like….”uh, what?” And I share his sentiments. Damn, you just whip the tit out for any old dude with a pillow duct taped to his chest? Not judging but….
Guess who walks in riiiiiiight as Micheal is flicking Nurys’ perky bits—good old Malcolm, who’s given up his player ways for a total of 10 days.
He’s like “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I AM THE BEACON OF LOYALTY!” And Nurys is like “but, honey. It was a dare!!!” For once I agree with Malcolm when he’s like “are you fucking serious?” Nurys has the logic of a Trump administration staff member.
Malcolm can’t even sit with a girl at a match-up ceremony and Nurys is over here letting everyone milk the fuckin’ cow for a sumo game. Yiiiiiiikes, double standards are cringeworthy. Malcolm does what I would have done too, and immediately grabs desperate AF DD and drags her to the boom boom room.
SO I guess that’s one no-match couple down. Thanks Nurys’ titty for saving the game!