Crystals have been around for a while, but getting crystals at witchy stores like Spellbound Sky and House of Intuition are becoming as basic as adopting a rescue dog. At least the rescue dog will get you more Instagram likes. But let’s take a look at why TF everyone is so into crystals and whether they’re betchy or not.
Plenty of betchy celebrities are into crystals including Adele, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry (ehh), and Miranda Kerr. I mean, if we were winning dozens of Grammys we’d probably be cool saying rocks contain magic too. Maybe Bey would have gotten the credit she deserved if only she had washed her aventurine with the salt water tears of her enemies. But at the same time, Spencer Pratt and Anne Hathaway also swear by crystals. So like, it’s kind of a zero sum game.
We used to think crystals were for the goth freaks who hung out in the back building and had way too many facial piercings for a 14-year-old, but if you live in LA then you’ve been to Cafe Gratitude and know that good vibes are like currency here. And now I will go shoot myself for writing the most obnoxious sentence of all time. Anyway, Cafe Gratitude is like a haute couture version of Whole Foods. For one thing, crystals are expensive, which makes them inherently betchy. I mean, you can drive to Joshua Tree and literally pick up a rock for free, but if you want to buy a smaller version of that rock on a silver chain from a “healer”, it’ll cost you $50. And you can’t just buy one crystal, so you end up spending hundreds just to line up your chakras to the moon or whatever.
There are crystals for everything from career to love to blocking negative energy. That kind of just sounds like drugs, TBH. Or drinking. Some of us drink when we’re “feeling off” and some of us buy little rocks and put them in their bras for good luck. And then some of us buy crystals. Usually the types of girls who care too much about expensive rocks are the kind who are super thirsty to get married, and that’s not very betchy. Though we’re sure there’s some connection with girls that like crystals. They def care more about their engagement ring than the man who gave it to them. I mean, both are expensive rocks that mean something to some people and mean literally nothing to everyone else. But believing in magic because the world is going well for you means you’re probably living a #blessed life and that is kind of betchy too.
Because let’s be real. If you believe in crystals, chances are shit was going great for you anyway. There’s a reason you never see anyone working at McDonald’s wearing quartz or opal. Wearing pretty jewelry to protect your soul from bad spirits is basically a plot out of a Disney princess story, and there’s nothing betchier than needing to be protected because you’re a princess.
On the other hand, we’ve learned from dating shady bros that you never want to get too into something. Caring too much is never betchy, and girls who get too into crystals are like, embarrassing. If you’re washing your crystals under every full moon and laying them out at every first Tinder date you go on, you’re like trying way too hard. Or you’re probably ugly or fat. Either way, it’s not a good look.
So in conclusion, we can get on board with a few mindful meditations that revolve around shiny stones, but only until we get bored and move on to the next expensive trend we don’t need. Basically, you can get into crystals and still be betchy the way a hot girl can be crazy and still be hot. Like, it’s definitely not a part of your character anyone likes, but they’ll put up with it because you’re hot.