When news broke on Monday that Meghan Markle had given birth to her first child with Prince Harry, everyone was obviously excited. Details were scarce, but we were all eager to know more about the baby, even if we had already analyzed his birth chart. Luckily, the Royal family isn’t as secretive about their babies as they are about their cheating rumors, so today we got a first look Harry and Meghan’s new baby, and now we finally know his name: Archibald “Archie” Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor. With a name like that, this is already the oldest baby that’s ever been born.
Archibald was a pretty unexpected name choice, as the top predictions were all more typical British royal names: Alexander, James, Philip, and Arthur. All boring AF. In the end, they went with Archibald, which is a name that was most popular in the 1800s. Sure, why not. In their official announcement on Instagram, they just called him Archie, so basically I’m always going to think about Riverdale when I hear anything about this kid. Sorry, that’s just how my brain works. Honestly, if he grows up to look anything like KJ Apa, Harry and Meghan are going to have a major troublemaker on their hands. The official Archie Comics Twitter account wasted no time getting in on the action:
— Archie Comics (@ArchieComics) May 8, 2019
Bury me here, I’m dead. But now that I’m done thinking about KJ Apa’s abs (until later), let’s get back to the matter at hand—the Sussex Royal Instagram.
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The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are pleased to announce they have named their first born child: Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor This afternoon Their Royal Highnesses introduced Her Majesty The Queen to her eighth great-grandchild at Windsor Castle. The Duke of Edinburgh and The Duchess’ mother were also present for this special occasion. Photo credit: Chris Allerton ©️SussexRoyal
In the photo from today, we see Meghan introducing the baby to Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip for the first time, and it’s the happiest the Queen has looked in years. It’s pretty insane that she now has eight great-grandchildren, considering the fact that my mom will be lucky to get one grandkid out of me. Everyone looks great in the photo, especially Meghan Markle. It’s honestly rude how good she looks just two days after giving birth, but I’m trying to work on my jealousy issues.
It’s being reported that the Harry and Meghan have decided not to use a courtesy title for Archie, AKA he won’t be the Earl of Dumbarton, as had previously been reported. Basically, that just means that they don’t really care about their baby being ~royal~. Like, obviously he’ll still be royal AF, and lead a very comfortable life, but he’s not technically a Prince or anything. Sad for him! Instead, he’ll just be referred to as “Master Archie,” which still sounds fancy as f*ck.
This was fun, but now I’ve got to go to therapy to unpack why I’m jealous of a two-day old baby. Later!
Images: Getty Images; @sussexroyal / Instagram
Welcome back, Riverdale fam! I’m sure you’ve been on the edge of your seat since last week’s episode when we learned that Veronica thought “film noir” meant “hats, but make it fashion.” Other things that happened last week that were just as upsetting as Veronica’s choice in accessories: Archie is single, stupid, and without a legitimate excuse to take off his shirt each episode. I’m v worried about his emotional well-being. Betty was still rekindling her relationship with her father despite the fact that he murdered all of her friends, and Veronica set fire to Hiram’s entire drug stash before Hermione could profit from it. I applaud that level of pettiness. And if you think that sounds like hot garbage masked as quality television, that’s because it absolutely is.
Jughead starts this week off by declaring that Riverdale is “Bizarro Town” and that point is driven home by the fact that the writers decided to give secondary characters a minute of screen time without Archie, Jughead, Betty, or Veronica f*cking it up with their personal problems. It’s announced that the former Sheriff Keller and the former Mayor McCoy are getting married and I’m here for it. In fact, please show more of it. Anything to see those abs.
Cut to Cheryl and TT who are fondling each other in bed. Really? Red satin sheets? Like, we get it. They’re living in sin. Lesbianism isn’t that shocking anymore, CW!!
Cheryl says that she feels sooooo blessed to finally be sleeping in a bed and not in the tent city anymore. TT’s like “yeah we’re away from the cold and the maggots.” THE COLD AND THE MAGGOTS. I’m sorry, WHAT. I mean, I knew the Serpents’ tent city should be condemned, but this is outrageous. Also, do we think the writers got their inspiration from all the Fyre Festival footage and were like, “imagine where those rich kids thought they were going to a music festival, but make it where Riverdale’s discarded youth will live indefinitely.”
Meanwhile, Veronica finds out that you can’t just burn your mother’s drugs and get away with it. Funny. I thought the first time she’d learn there are consequences to her actions would be, like, literally any other way, but sure, have her first life lesson involve broken kneecaps.
Okay, yes I am LIVING for more Kevin/Moose content. Or really any content that involves more of Kevin’s one-liners.
I will say that it’s weird that all of a sudden the writers are pretending like these secondary characters are actually important. First Kevin and Moose and now Josie and Sweet Pea?? First of all, I forgot those two were even a thing. I’m pretty sure we saw one closed-mouth kiss from them, like, episode one and then it was promptly forgotten about. I wonder whose ego they had to fondle in the writer’s room to get a little screen time.
Speaking of random acts of kindness, The CW must think I’ve been a good girl this season because TOMMY HOTTIE IS BACK Y’ALL. Tommy Keller and Mayor McCoy are getting it on in a hotel room and I can’t even focus on the fact that they’re trying to shove more Gargoyle King madness down my throat because did you see those abs? I. Can’t. F*cking. Breathe.
Mayor McCoy finds a sealed letter from the Gargoyle King asking them to finish ascension night with the rest of the parents. Is it just me, or is the Gargoyle King acting VERY petty rn? Like, he didn’t get invited to the wedding, so now he’s blackmailing the happy couple to force them to hang out with him? That’s
so disturbed inspired and I am definitely going to incorporate that into my wedding season strategy this year.
Cheryl takes a break from being fabulous to fat shame Kevin out of eating carbs and bond with him over his relationship woes, because I guess now that she’s a lesbian she suddenly grew a heart? Like, has Cheryl said anything nice to Kevin ever? I don’t know where this sympathetic attitude is coming from, and I don’t like it.
Kevin tells Cheryl about how Moose is afraid to come out and Cheryl is just like “you should move on.” Which is such a standard condescending piece of advice that someone in a relationship would give.
KEVIN: I can’t go back to picking up guys in the woods.
CHERYL: Uh, no. Have you heard of dating apps?
THANK YOU CHERYL. Like, please explain to him that he doesn’t have to prostitute himself out in the woods. This is the 21st century, for god’s sake.
Okay, WHAT. Did Cheryl just out Moose over the loudspeaker in between announcing the lunch menu and dates for the upcoming pep rally?? That is so wrong, I can’t.
Archie finds Josie in the music room crying over her upcoming audition to Juilliard, and the whole thing just feels forced. I don’t like that they’re shoving this Archie/Josie relationship down our throats just because Josie is the only single girl left in Riverdale and Archie is contractually obligated to get his dick wet at least once an episode.
Elsewhere, Veronica is trying to figure out where she’s going to get the money to pay off her mother’s drug buyers. I guess half priced mocktails at her speakeasy’s ladies night isn’t going to cut it.
I’m sorry, but did Reggie just seriously suggest they rob his daddy’s dealership for the extra cash?? I’ve had pizza in my fridge for longer than they’ve been together and he’s already willing to rip off his flesh and blood for her? Damn. That’s devotion.
VERONICA: It’s lunacy. But it’s inspired lunacy.
No, it’s robbery. And it’s a felony in most states, you dipsh*ts! It’s certainly not going to be as easy as grabbing the money while your dad is at work. I swear to god, if Veronica’s solution to getting away with this heist is to go shopping for new wigs then I’m out, y’all. I. Am. Out.
Sidenote: why did this entire robbery conversation feel like foreplay? Can just one of these teenagers have normal sexual habits, please?
Meanwhile, the midnight club is newly reunited, and they’re banding together to finish the G&G game they started back in high school. Is it just me or have we seen this episode before, and it was called Jumanji?
SHERIFF KELLER: Let’s finish what we started.
ALSO SHERIFF KELLER:
Oh, what do you know? I guess armed robbery wasn’t as easy as Veronica and Reggie thought it would be. Imagine! Veronica shows up dressed for the robbery like she finally put her Thelma and Louise Pinterest board to good use. I f*cking can’t with her extraness lately. She is out of control.
Lolololol. Reggie gets shot and their money bag explodes with a dye pack, which is exactly the outcome these two morons deserve. Like, if they had done exactly one Google search in preparation for this heist, they might have foreseen some of these obstacles.
Speaking of morons, Archie escorts Josie to her audition because I guess The CW is trying going make this happen whether we want it to or not. Why else would he suddenly be besties with Josie if not to get laid in the very near future?
Josie starts having a meltdown at Pop’s because she didn’t get into Juilliard. She’s crying about how nobody loves her and she has no plans and her life is falling apart and it’s very similar to what I do every single day in my car three seconds after pulling out of my office’s parking lot.
JOSIE: *wails* But I killed that interview!!
ARCHIE: *completely monotone* That’s crazy. They don’t deserve you.
NO NO NO NO NO. You can’t just pair people up together because there’s literally no one else! This isn’t Noah’s freaking Ark!
Moose tells Kevin that he came out and he wants to celebrate by “doing it,” because that sounds like a person who’s emotionally ready to lose their virginity.
OMG WHAT. Gladys is the drug buyer Hermione is so afraid of that she would literally sacrifice her first born child to them. I’m shocked, because the only thing I find scary about her is her crow’s feet.
GLADYS: Oh great. More teenagers.
^^Something I say at 8pm every Wednesday night
Okay, she’s being surprisingly nice for a drug dealer. She’s going to take their tainted money even though she 100 percent can’t use it, and all she wants in return is Reggie’s car. Veronica, being Veronica, immediately acts ungrateful. She’s like, “but he loves that car!!” and, like, it’s either his ride or his kneecaps, you choose bitch.
Meanwhile, the Midnight Club is back and ready to
party play with poison. They figure out pretty quickly that this gathering was just an elaborate ploy for the Gargoyle King to get to their kids while they’re unsupervised. Lol. As if these kids have ever been supervised a day in their goddamn lives.
And look! There they all are in various states of undress. The parents start calling all of their respective kids and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is in the middle of some sort of sexual act. It’s like watching a full-blown orgy on my screen. Tbh I think what’s more unrealistic is that any of these kids would pick up their phones that quickly.
Kevin is the only one unaccounted for, and because we can’t have nice things, his first time is ruined by the Gargoyle King and his gang. Y’all, I’m so upset. Archie and Veronica get to bang on every goddamn surface in Riverdale but Kevin can’t have one night?? #JusticeForKevin
We find out that the Gargoyle King is actually Moose’s dad, Major Mason, which I could have called from a mile away. This is the only reason why the Riverdale writers gave any of these characters the time of day this episode, and it’s pissing me off.
Apparently Major Mason was jealous that Moose was seeing his former high school crush’s son. So, let me get this straight. Moose’s dad and Kevin’s dad were best friends and Moose’s dad tried to kiss Kevin’s dad back in the day. Why is this show so goddamn incestuous?? It’s like history repeating itself except they’ve all slept with each other in some way, shape, or form.
FP: You can’t just kidnap and terrorize your kid!
MAJOR MASON: This is Riverdale, what’s your point?
Well, when he’s right he’s right.
Gladys and Jelly Bean show up at FP and Jughead’s trailer and they’re moving in. They want to be a part of their lives now and I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the drug sale that went down earlier in the episode…
Oh GOD. Archie is back to singing and I don’t know what I did to deserve this. He’s like “yeah and the worst part about Kevin and Moose being kidnapped and almost gay bashed is that I couldn’t sing with you!” You gotta have your priorities straight, don’t ya, Arch?
Moose leaves town to deal with everything, and breaks up with Kevin in the process. He’s back to being the only gay person in Riverdale. I’m sure his next lover will turn out to be a homicidal murderer, because The CW doesn’t want Kevin to find love. Again, I say #JUSTICEFORKEVIN.
Meanwhile, Cheryl gets TT her own gang and even an early admission to college! Literally the only thing a boyfriend ever gave me was a handwritten note that said “we need more milk”, but okay. Their gang name is the Pretty Poisons because they’re “pretty by day and poison by night” and I am absolutely adding that line to my dating app bio.
NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO. Archie and Josie start making out mid-song because, while murder is Bughead’s foreplay, singing is Archie’s. I want to die. There’s absolutely ZERO chemistry between the two of them and I hate that the CW is forcing this relationship on us like they forced us to be okay with Betty’s BDSM habit as a minor.
And on that note, I’m out Betches! If you need me I’ll be taking to my Instagram DMs to fight @writerras about justice for Kevin. Toodles!
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (2); @writerras /Instagram (2)
It’s Wednesday, which for some of us means it’s time to wind down with the acid trip that is season three of Riverdale. I’ve seen a lot of messed up sh*t on this show (cousin loving, murder foreplay, and a 16-year-old Betty stripping on a pole in a bar known for gang activity, just to name a few!), but I think we can all agree that last week’s episode was the wildest one yet, because the writers actually had the audacity to pretend like these kids were still in high school. I almost fell off my couch when they managed to incorporate one SAT word into the script without the entire set bursting into flames. That said, I have a feeling this week’s episode is going to be even more insane because Camila Mendes hyped on Instagram that we should get ready for “Veronica meets Film Noir” which should be…very painful. I’ve already decided I’m going to drink every time someone says the word “doll”, “doll face” or “ugly mutt” so, like, prepare my funeral now.
Once again we start this week with another judgey montage from Jughead. I swear to God this kid is always in a perpetual state of being on his period. Like, enough with the ‘tude!
He’s says Riverdale was once a “good, decent, innocent place” and it’s like, okay, but when? The very first episode of this show there was already a twincest rumor between Cheryl and Jason and Archie was raw dogging his teacher in the school music room. When I was 16 I was still shopping at Delia’s and reading Tiger Beat but, sure, let’s compare our high school existences.
Case in point: Jughead lying to his dad about Tall Boy leaving town while Tall Boy is stuffed under the cot FP is currently sitting on. Ah, yes. The good, innocent Riverdale we all know and love. FP isn’t buying his story though because he’s spent 24 hours as a sheriff and he’s seen some things. I’ve also seen some things, like the fact that FP is a goddamn snack in that uniform.
Meanwhile, Archie is coming to terms with the fact that he might only be a pretty face. What a cross to bear in this world! He tells his dad that he thinks college maybe isn’t for him, which is, like, a very diplomatic way of saying that he flunked the SATs. Lol. I see right through you, buddy!
Cut to Veronica, who wants Jughead to find the person who shot her father. She asks him this while wearing a literal fedora. Like, what in God’s name is she wearing on her head.
JUGHEAD: Nice hat.
Betty shows up at Claudius’ funeral because she thinks Penelope might have poisoned him, and also she doesn’t know how to mind her own business. Meanwhile, Cheryl is in full-on mourning, aka wearing a dress short enough that I can see her vaginal lips. *slow claps* Don’t ever change, Cheryl!
I love that Betty shows up to this funeral uninvited and then thinks it’s okay to interrogate the deceased’s immediate family. She’s like “I’m sorry for your loss, Cheryl, but your mom is a murderer and you need to step up and help me prove it.” Maybe have a little bit more tact? Idk. Cheryl refuses to help with Betty’s murder investigation, which is, like, very fair. Just because you wrote “detective” on your business card does not mean anyone isn’t going to notice that said card was made with a sharpie and construction paper.
I guess last week Veronica was studying for more than just the SATs. She’s also been binge-watching Mob Wives, because now thinks she’s actually fit to run her father’s illegal businesses in his absence. LOL. K. Her first order of business is to fire his hired protection and replace them with Smithers and Reggie or as she likes to call them her “most loyal servant” and “jacked jack of all trades.” First of all, Smithers isn’t so much loyal as he is getting paid to work for your family. Also, he’s 80. That’s quite a crack team you’ve established there, Veronica!
Meanwhile, Betty and Jughead are off to track down Hiram’s mistress and potential killer but instead stumble upon a dominatrix club run by none other than Penelope Blossom. So chill. I love that Betty and Jughead are pretending to be horrified by The Maple Club when they actually just found a new spot for date night.
BETTY: Well, well, well, I guess Riverdale has a sex club now?
Archie is…not doing well this episode. He’s getting wasted at Veronica’s speakeasy while Veronica’s new lover bartends and makes passive aggressive comments to him in between rounds. This feels very masochistic and like something I definitely haven’t talked my girlfriend into doing after she was dumped.
By far the most disturbing relationship on this show is between Betty and this coroner. Like, she just got her driver’s license and she’s hanging out with a man who looks like he wrote “pulse optional” on his dating app preferences.
Josie draws the short straw and has to take care of a drunken Archie. She’s like “you can’t solve your problems by getting drunk in a bar before noon” and it’s like, did I hallucinate that they were taking the SATs last week? Like where is the normal high school drama! Archie is acting he just lost his job and has a mortgage to pay when literally all of his problems could be solved by taking an SAT prep class. Please.
JOSIE: I think you should channel your anger into something constructive like your music.
Betty confronts Penelope Blossom and finds out that Claudius was cooking Fizzle Pop in the old maple syrup factory, and that the runoff from that was polluting Sweetwater River, which is why every teenage girl in the town was having seizures earlier this season. I’m sorry, but this is not an acceptable explanation for me. Betty saw babies LEVITATING, and you’re just going to explain it away in less than 10 seconds of dialogue? That’s trash.
Jughead tracks down Hiram’s mistress AND IT’S KELLY RIPA. My god! Does she own this show now? The entire CW network? Is Riverdale secretly being filmed out of her NYC apartment? Like, what does she have on @writerras that her and her family are able to hijack this show every week?? I’m sorry, I love Kelly Ripa, but Hiram was the worst thing to ever happen to this show and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.
Footage from this week’s episode of ‘Riverdale’ or a confrontation in the writer’s room when they tried to kill off Hiram’s character last week? WHO CAN SAY.
Okay, WHAT. Hermione is also having an affair? With hot Sheriff Minetti?! I thought he was dead? Has she just been keeping him in an abandoned warehouse and bringing him out whenever she has an itch to scratch? This I did not see coming, but after a closer inspection of his
character abs, I’ll allow it. I am here for this partial nudity.
You guys the twists are insane tonight. In another shocking turn of events we find out that FP shot Hiram, and he did it because Hermione paid him to. That’s why he’s allowed to be sheriff, because it was a payoff (which is still not an acceptable explanation for why a convicted felon was suddenly allowed to become sheriff, but whatever).
FP tries to beat Hermione at her own game and forces her to go on the air and say that Tall Boy was the one who shot Hiram. Like, who is this interview for though? I have yet to see one other member of this town who isn’t a) a redhead or b) sleeping with a parent/classmate/brother/sister/other estranged relative of a redhead, which has to be the only explanation for why there haven’t been riots in the street for the outright corruption taking over Riverdale’s town politics. I highly doubt regular townspeople are waiting with bated breath to see if the mob boss running their town will get some justice. PLEASE.
Meanwhile, Veronica sets fire to Hiram’s entire drug supply and I feel nothing. That’s how I know this show is going downhill fast. Remember when Cheryl burned her entire home to the ground out of spite? And we all cheered? And I made the gif of her burning her life to to the ground the background on my computer and used it whenever applicable to real-life conversations? WHERE IS THAT RIVERDALE?
Okay, PLEASE tell me Josie and Archie aren’t about to be a thing. Archie’s giving her that look like she has a vagina and has shown mild interest in him, so now he wants to bang her. I can’t take one more Archie romantic entanglement. I just can’t.
Jughead tells Veronica that he knows who really shot her father, and it’s not Tall Boy, which is what the official announcement says. Veronica is still wearing the fedora and I am still feeling very personally victimized by it.
JUGHEAD: You don’t want to find out who shot your dad?
VERONICA: Eh, it’s Riverdale.
Truer words, V. Truer. Words.
The episode ends with Hermione shooting hot Sheriff Minetti for reasons that are unclear, but I’m sure will be explained away five episodes from now when we’ve forgotten all about this plot line and the writers decide to give it five whole seconds of their time to address. Anyways, I’m out! See you Betches
in hell next time!
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (1); @cole_jones.oursmile /Instagram (1)
Welcome back once again, people, to another wild Wednesday night in Riverdale. Last week left us with a lot of questions, mostly what are the writers of Riverdale smoking, and where can I get some? There’s also the question of who would willingly rent out their cabin in the woods to a 17-year-old whose background check reads “high school dropout” and “recently incarcerated.” If I thought any of those questions could actually be answered without opening another plot hole the size of Archie’s vacation cabin I would have stopped DMing the writers on Instagram. But, alas, here we are. So, on that note, let’s just dive right in.
If you’ll recall, when last we left off
my prayers had been answered Archie had been mauled by a bear. Lol. After the attack he slipped into some sort of demented fever dream where he realized that he is in fact the worst, and then tried to subconsciously beat himself to death. Again, @writerras WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??
Moving on. The episode opens with another judgey voiceover from Jughead. He’s making passive-aggressive comments about Archie’s new hair color, and this is a level of petty I aspire to. Like, your friend just barely survived being mauled to death by a wild animal and you’re dragging him for trying to see if brunettes have more fun.
JUGHEAD: He was now a stranger. He had dark hair.
You’re a messy bitch, Jughead, but I love it!
Okay, also, can we take a minute to talk about said grizzly attack? Like, the last we saw of Archie he was in the middle of nowhere, bleeding to death, and now he’s walking into Riverdale like nothing happened? I mean, he had to go to the hospital for those injuries, right? How in the hell was social services not called? He’s a minor! And did he barter his new L.L. Bean vest to pay the medical bills? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Archie goes to Veronica’s bar to let her know that he’s back in town and I sincerely hope she beats him to death with one of her mocktails. Don’t get me wrong, I love any scene that involves a man groveling, but Veronica is way too good for this dipsh*t.
VERONICA: What the hell happened to your hair?
Lol. Okay, guys, LET HIM LIVE.
Okay WHAT. Are they going to bang? Right there on the bar? What happened to Reggie? Aren’t they together? Veronica’s all, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me?” and when Archie gives her a vague shrug as his answer, she immediately suggests doggy style behind the bar. Come on, V! I expected more from you.
Guys, Archie has changed soooo much since his time in Canada. Not only is he brunette, but he doesn’t even have the same drink order any more! Okay, stop it. I’m worried now.
BETTY: Why didn’t you order a strawberry milkshake?
ARCHIE: I like root beer floats now.
Root beer floats, Arch? Wow. Canada changed you.
Lol I love how Betty is all of a sudden acting like these kids go to school. She’s all, “Guys the SATs are this weekend, who all wants to study?” But when will you have time to study, Betty, what with all the murders you have to solve and adults you need to shake down? Hmm?
Betty’s card gets denied at Pop’s and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. The card getting denied part, not a teenager learning how to build credit. Please. She finds out that Alice is the one behind it. Not only has her mom maxed out all of her credit cards, but she’s also drained all of her savings and college funds and given it to The Farm. Because that doesn’t all feel like a culty thing to do.
Okay, STOP. The principal also suddenly cares about academics?? Why is this show suddenly being logical? Are the writers finally reading my
burn book recaps? WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT.
I don’t trust any of this.
HAHA. The principal wants Archie to repeat his junior year and Archie looks shook. Like, dude, you spent the first half of the school year in prison and the second half
as a walking ad for the outdoor store in seclusion in Canada. You can’t really be surprised that he can’t just pass you to the next grade because you look good with your shirt off. Come on.
Ah, so Veronica is still dating Reggie. Reggie tries to kiss her by her locker and she’s like “um excuse me but the guy who dumped me over a payphone and hasn’t responded to any of my texts in weeks is actually back and interested in me for five minutes so we’re done, k?” That’s it, Veronica, dump a guy who’s actually interested in you for one who thought the SATs was a new music festival. God. Veronica is me. I am Veronica.
Meanwhile, Archie is starting to realize his limitations. And by limitations I mean that he has the vocabulary of a boulder.
JUGHEAD: Let’s start with an easy one. What does “iconoclast” mean?
Lol. Yeah, this kid is going far. But not even as far as management at McDonald’s.
Okay, Veronica is bold. She gets all their friends INCLUDING REGGIE to gather for a study/welcome home party for Archie. She’s like “sit down lover and let me serenade you” and I just vomited in my mouth a little. Honestly, Reggie looks about as homicidal as I feel right now. Someone please make the random acts of singing stop.
Archie starts having flashbacks to his vision quest and flees the party. Veronica’s like, “he’s changed! He doesn’t even like my singing anymore!” And it’s like, did he ever, though? Or did he just like to get laid? I’ll let you decide, V!
Cut to the next day, and Reggie is going in on Archie for dipping out on Veronica’s
ego trip public serenading. He’s like, “why are you such a little bitch” and it’s, like, damn I guess Archie has the right to remain burned. That was a good one.
HAHA. Archie turns around and shows off his scars from the attack and I just snorted out loud. He supposedly got mauled within an inch of his life and it just looks like a cat scratched him. Is this a joke? Are those actually supposed to be claw marks from a bear? There’s barely anything there! Reggie, DO NOT be intimidated by this!
Meanwhile, Betty does what I do every time my mother asks me if I really need all those iced coffees and to “learn to save”: asks daddy for money. She’s like “mom can’t be trusted” as she speaks to a man with IRON BARS separating him from society. K.
It turns out Hal was the OG Gargoyle King who poisoned Principal Weatherby back in the day. He’s like “they were all a bunch of sinners” and I can’t argue with that. Alice wearing crop tops during her first trimester! Finding out that Penelope actually marries her adopted brother! I’m not comfortable with how much time I’ve spent talking about that flashback episode with my therapist.
Also, is it just me, or is listening to their father/daughter bonding time a bit like listening to the last two minutes of a Scooby Doo episode?
BETTY: I solved your murders, didn’t I?
HAL: And I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for my meddling kid!
Okay, I totally forgot that Fangs was going undercover in the Gargoyle Gang. He tries to infiltrate what appears to be a Klan meeting, but with Halloween masks. This is so unsettling.
It’s revealed that Tall Boy is in fact the tree monster/pretend Gargoyle King who has been terrorizing people all over Riverdale. But, like, why though? This feels completely random and not at all like the writers played 52 pickup with the cast’s headshots to see who would be the villain this season.
Meanwhile, Archie finds out that Reggie and Veronica hooked up while he was gone and he’s piiiissed. I’m not sure why though? Like, Archie, did you or did you not get a lap dance from some rando farm girl three minutes after dumping Veronica over a payphone? Yeah. Cry me a river, Red.
Betty confronts Penelope Blossom about visiting her dad in prison. I’m not surprised at all that Penelope likes to hang out in penitentiaries. That feels very on brand for her character.
BETTY: Are you one of those sickos who fantasizes over serial killers?
PENELOPE: As a girl I did write love letters to Jeffery Dahmer. So, yes.
Oh shut tf up, Betty. As if you’re not one of those sickos who gets wet from murders. You forget we’ve all seen your wig, honey!
I’m sorry, but did Archie just ask for one last bang? He’s like “I get it, I’m not very bright and I kind of suck, but can we have breakup sex please?” AND VERONICA DOES IT. Mija! Where is your self worth! You’re better than this, girlfriend.
Fast forward to the next day, and it’s SAT time. I’m shocked the writers are actually going to follow through with this plotline. I guess Veronica and Archie test prep a little bit differently than me.
It’s not looking good for Archie. Jesus. He’s struggling to even bubble in his name. His combined score on the practice test was 600 so I’m not confident he even did it right on the practice run. He runs out of the room and immediately has a panic attack.
Meanwhile, Hiram is bragging about out-smarting two high school juniors and FP. Bravo, Hiram. We’re so impressed.
Wait. Holy sh*t. Is Hiram dead?? Did someone just shoot him? Was it Archie? He was all riled up after a long day of number two pencils and standardized test taking…
Mark Consuelos’ best acting to date tbh.
VERONICA: He got shot sometime after you fled the SATs…
ARCHIE: Lol r u serious?
The boy has a point, V! In all honesty, I don’t think it was Archie. This is the boy whose grand plan to escape prison involved rushing the gates in broad daylight. Premeditated murder feels a little outside his skillset.
Meanwhile, Jughead shows up to the bunker to find that Sweet Pea and Fangs have shot Tall Boy. They’re freaking out but, like, this isn’t the first time Jughead’s gotten rid of a body before. Body disposal is kind of his foreplay.
WHAT. FP IS THE SHERIFF. WHAT. First of all, I’ve never been so wet in my life. My god, that uniform is everything. Second of all, I’m not even going to question the plot hole that is a convicted felon taking over a vacant sheriff position. As if there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over this. I don’t even care! As long as he wears that uniform from now until forever I’ll take it.
And on that note, I’m out! If you need me I’ll just be googling “Skeet Ulrich smoke show” from now until next Wednesday. BYE.
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (3);
Welcome back, Riverdale fans! After a too-brief hiatus, the show we love to hate is back and probably more batsh*t than ever. I’m going into this episode with a little bit of trepidation because I’ve seen what the writers of this show can do with only one week to write material, so I’m downright terrified to see what they can come up with when they’re well-rested after a four week break. Case in point: When last we left off, Archie and Veronica had broken up, Betty had escaped the nunnery/insane asylum and, oh yeah, Hiram and his thugs QUARANTINED the entire town of Riverdale just for funsies. Again, I say, this is what happened when the writers were given one week to let their imaginations run rampant. I shudder to think what we’re about to watch on our screens. So let’s get started!
Lol I forgot Archie was running away to Canada. Honestly, I can’t fault him for it. With all the sh*t I saw in 2018, I’m one State of the Union address away from moving there as well. It looks like Archie fled the country at the right time, because things in Riverdale don’t look great rn. And by “don’t look great,” I mean this would qualify as a national emergency if the writers of this show wrote within the realm of reality, but okay.
At least the quarantine was lifted, even though no one is explaining why it even happened in the first place?? Like, I’ve swallowed every piece of bullsh*t @writerras tries to spoon-feed me on Wednesday nights, but this I refuse to accept. An entire town thrown into a Purge-like state at the whims of a drug lord?? They’re in the state of New York, for god’s sake! At the very least, PEOPLE magazine would be sniffing around for a cover story to exploit to the masses. Please!
Since the quarantine, Cheryl and “TT” have apparently taken up stealing from the rich to give to themselves but, like, isn’t Cheryl the richest person in that town? I thought her family’s maple syrup paid for the town to, like, exist? Just because you wear leather and found lesbianism doesn’t mean you’re one with the people, Cheryl!
Lest you forget where you came from, Cheryl.
Also, Veronica is now selling booze at her speakeasy. I guess she finally learned that sober people don’t spend as much money. What, they didn’t teach you that in business school, V?
Also, I’m confused. Is she selling the booze to her high school friends or is she only serving people of age? Who would come to a speakeasy populated by high schoolers with a penchant for wearing fringe and suspenders?? WHO.
Meanwhile, Betty brought the runaways from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy to her house. They’re all camping out in her living room, and Alice is surprisingly chill with this. She has legit mental patients sleeping on a mattress in her breakfast nook and she’s like, “As long as you feed them, Betty, and they don’t mess on the floor…”
JUGHEAD: It doesn’t make sense for Hiram to quarantine an entire town.
NO IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, JUGHEAD. Thank you!
Honestly, I’m so over this entire Hiram plotline. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. First, Hiram’s big diabolical plan is to create more prison jobs, then he wants to turn an entire town into his personal meth lab. I ASK YOU: WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END. Kelly Ripa, please invest your money in some other show and leave ours alone. I’m begging you.
I love that all Archie needs is an L.L. Bean vest and he’s at peace with himself. Like, he is living his best cabin life, and I’m shocked things are working out so well for him. Whatever. I’m just glad the dog is still alive.
Wait. I may have spoken too soon here. Three seconds into Archie’s blissful cabin life he’s… mauled by a grizzly bear?? I’m sorry, but WHAT?? I mean, we don’t actually see the mauling (shame); we just see Archie looking shocked for a second and then the scene cuts to him radioing for help with massive cuts down his chest. All I have to say is, wow. The lengths The CW will go to to incorporate a shirtless scene for Archie where there should not be one is wild. I applaud their efforts.
Also, what’s the deal with the radios? Who is he even talking to? I thought he was supposed to be living off the grid! Who wants to bet that the person on the other end of the line is a hot girl? It would not surprise me in the slightest if that even in utter seclusion Archie has somehow managed to get laid.
Back in Riverdale, Veronica is just trying to run an entire bar and maybe show up to homeroom this week, but Hiram keeps f*cking it up. His thugs keep stealing her booze, and he wants her to hire him for protection. I guess in addition to commandeering entire town, he’s also taken up shaking down underage kids while wearing a fabulous fur coat. Jesus Christ. Kelly Ripa wrote this scene, I just f*cking know it. The fur jacket is her calling card.
Meanwhile, Jughead finds out that The Serpents are dealing Fizzle Rocks and he calls an emergency meeting in Riverdale’s version of Hooverville. Seriously, Jughead is using an abandoned La-Z-Boy as his throne. I can’t.
Fangs is like, “There’s no money coming in, how are we supposed to feed ourselves?” Um, IDK, maybe your parents?? Or, like, the government?? Like, he’s under 18. Surely this lawless town has some sort of system in place to protect unaccompanied minors? Also, I love that Jughead, who is literally the same age as Fangs, is doling out judgments and punishments over here. Like, Fangs, look around you buddy. You’re living in an abandoned field and taking orders from the president of the newspaper club. Please, dear GOD, just find a real adult already!
Cut to Archie, who is having some sort of fever dream from his extensive grizzly bear wounds. He wakes up to a room full of dead people trying to play boards game with him. He’s like “I’m hallucinating” and it’s like, no, the writers of this show are hallucinating if they think I’m just going to buy this bullsh*t for one more goddamn second!
THE RIVERDALE WRITERS ROOM: We’ll put Archie in a fever dream and set him up with a vision quest. It’s weird, but he’ll be shirtless. Fans will love it!
Veronica and Jughead come up with a solution to solve both their problems. Veronica doesn’t want to give her dad a single penny of her speakeasy money even though she lives under his roof and he’s probably paying her cellphone bill. Relatable. She decides to hire The Serpents as protection instead.
Jughead’s like, “This is so great now you guys will have a stable income!!,” and it’s like, okay, but HOW much is Veronica paying these people? Like, what do you mean “a steady income”? This bitch is 17! I was thinking like paying one guy $12 an hour and Jughead is making it sound like they’ll make enough money to cover Fang’s mom’s cancer treatment. Is she also supplying health insurance? How much money can she possibly be making serving mocktails and marketing a keg of Natty Lite as artisanal beer?
Before Veronica can hire any Serpents, she wants Jughead to get back the v expensive egg Cheryl and TT stole from her dad, which is like the richest request I’ve ever heard. Cheryl doesn’t want to give the egg back, though, because she needs it to keep the lights on at her mansion. Lol k.
CHERYL: I’m not afraid of Hiram. What’s he gonna do? Call the sheriff? There is no sheriff!
Out of the mouths of Cheryl! Riverdale is a godless town.
Jughead banishes Fangs, Cheryl, and Toni from The Serpents because they’re sullying the Serpent name with their criminal behavior. K. So, let me get this straight. They get to leave the tent city and not take orders from someone who just started shaving last semester? I mean, who really won here?
Lol Archie’s vision quest wants him to play more guitar. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s going to use this whole experience as material for the next school talent show. God help us all.
The gargoyle gang attacks Veronica’s shipment again and it’s all very Robin Hood. Like, is that a wagon hauling their booze down that dirt path? They are aware that this is the 21st century and they can use, like, the highway to get places, right? Also, this is so extra, even for Veronica.
After defeating Hiram’s thugs, Jughead declares that “Riverdale hasn’t fallen yet” and I absolutely beg to differ. Riverdale has fallen somewhere very dark and I’m scared to follow. Someone please save this show from itself.
Meanwhile, Archie is still struggling with his vision quest. He’s realizing that the only person responsible for his banishment to Canada is actually himself. Not Hiram or the Black Hood or the diabolical teen fight club, but his own ignorant self. Is this the part where we hang him in the town square? Because that’s the first plotline I’ve supported all season.
ARCHIE: I have to destroy the part of me that’s stupid.
ME: I guess we’re going to be here for a while then.
Back in Riverdale, Veronica is out eye-f*cking Reggie as she headlines her own club. I guess she can’t spring for entertainment anymore if she has to pay for an entire gang’s health insurance. Also, does anyone else feel like this whole Reggie/Veronica storyline was only created because they started dating in real life? This feels extremely random to me. Veronica and Reggie start making out and the camera cuts to Archie who’s…dead?? Like, WHAT. Some cops bust into his cabin and find him deadass on the bed.
Wait that was actually real? Are pigs flying? Have my prayers been answered? ARE WE REALLY DONE WITH ARCHIE? On the one hand, it’s everything I’ve ever asked for. On the other hand, if Archie’s not there to screw up a murder investigation or sleep with the first woman who gives him attention, what will I have to talk to about??
Well pals, I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Archie’s actually dead. I’ll hold off on the bubbly until then. Let’s just pray next week is less of a snooze, amiright?
Images: Giphy (2); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)
Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Riverdale recap! Last week I wasn’t able to
recap watch Archie ruin his life because, as Sweetest Betch so delicately put it, I didn’t want to. There! Now don’t we all feel better about that? For those of you who noticed my absence and sung my praises in the comments section, feel free to start following me on Instagram. My ego needs inflating there as well. But, much like the strain of chlamydia Archie is surely passing to any girl with a pulse he encounters on his trek to the Canadian border, I’m back and ready to make you extremely uncomfortable.
This week is the midseason finale, so we better get some answers as to wtf is going on with the Gargoyle King, and same goes for Hiram’s diabolical plans for Riverdale. I’m using the term “diabolical” loosely here because I’m sure it will be as evil and well thought out as one of Chad from The Bachelor’s tweets. Now, shall we get started?
This episode starts like every other episode, with Jughead talking sh*t over a montage. He reminds us where we left off last week, and what his idiot friends are doing this week. It’s similar to what I do when I take to my anonymous Twitter account and troll my friend Jessica for thinking she can confide in me without having her personal life blasted on the internet. Amateur.
He’s like “it was a day like any other, the kids were in school…” First of all, Juggy, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. I haven’t seen a student go to “school” on this show in at least 12 episodes. That right there makes this a day UNLIKE any other day. If I see a teacher try and explain an algebraic equation I may pass out.
Kevin pulls Moose aside to dry hump him in an abandoned classroom. Seconds later, the entire River Vixen squad falls to the ground and starts seizing in the middle of the hallway. Yes, this feels more like an average day now.
Cut to the mental hospital where Betty is puking up all the “candy” the nuns shoved down her throat the other day. Sidenote: I know Betty is supposed to be losing it and everything, but the girl has never looked better. Insanity looks great on her.
Meanwhile, Jughead and Archie find sanctuary at Jughead’s mom’s garage? I was wondering if we were ever going to meet the Jones matriarch and the infamous Jelly Bean. I’m dying to know why her parents hated her so much as to name her after the world’s shittiest candy.
Lol. Okay, but why does Jelly Bean looks like an Olsen twin who just got sent to live with the Butkuses?? If we find out Jughead’s other sister Jujubee is living with a rich family on the other side of town then I’m f*cking done.
Tbh the resemblance is uncanny.
Okay, I don’t like this Reggie/Veronica thing The CW is trying to make happen just because the two of them are dating in real life. I mean, is Reggie attractive? Yes. Does he seem to have more than three brain cells to rub together? Also, yes. Would I like to see him shirtless at least 60 percent more of the time? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, wait, maybe I’m more fine with this than I thought.
VERONICA: Jingle Jangle is soooo last year.
REGGIE: Tell me about it. It’s all about
pop rocks fizzle pop now
FIZZLE POP. What kind of subliminal messaging are they trying to send children these days?! Is The CW trying to rebrand crack in 2019 or something??
Wait, so what kind of business is Jughead’s mom running, exactly? Like, is she running a garage or writing fan fic about her son and his redheaded boy toy? Because that Archie comment was v v creepy. “You sure grew up, Archie.” Keep it in your pants, Mrs. Jones!
Back at the nunnery/insane asylum/conversion camp, Betty starts bragging to the other inmates that she’s banging the Gargoyle King. She’s like “we’ve gotten really… close recently.” Yeah, you don’t have to be so coy about it, Betty. Everyone’s seen your webcam porn. Banging a shadow monster isn’t really that much of a stretch for you.
She locks Ethel into a room with the “Gargoyle King” so that when the drugs wear off Ethel will realize she’s just been talking to a statue for the last few weeks. This feels a little bit like payback for Ethel blackmailing Jughead into kissing her, but whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, Betty!
The CDC starts raiding Riverdale High in the middle of third period. It’s unclear if this has anything to do with the “stress seizures” or if it’s just a Tuesday.
So let me get this straight, Riverdale High is shutting down?? So Hiram can start another drug factory? Like, do these parents WANT their children to be illiterate? I know they’re running their own bars and incorporating wigs and role play into their foreplay but, like, they still have to graduate!
Also, I just don’t understand why Hiram is having such a hard time finding real estate for his drug factories. Must he really continue to shut down high schools? I’m certain there must be another property around for his
meth labs FIZZLE ROCK headquarters.
Cheryl and Veronica crash their parents’ private meeting. I love that four sets of parents are deciding the fate of an entire school district in this abandoned classroom. As if the other parents wouldn’t riot in the streets if there was suddenly not a single high school in the district to send their kids to.
Veronica starts calling Hiram out for his drug empire and no one believes her. To be fair she did stomp her foot halfway through and declare “but daddy!!”
Cheryl wants to know what happened to the rest of her squad who fainted the other day, and it’s a good question. It’s insinuated that they were taken away to be “experimented” on? Again I say, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? If an entire cheerleading squad disappeared, f*cking PEOPLE magazine and every millennial with a podcast would be down there trying to investigate it.
CHERYL: You mess with the squad, you mess with me.
Please Cheryl for the love of GOD can you just set fire to this entire town and be done with it. I beg of you.
Meanwhile, Archie and Jughead fill in Jug’s mom about the happenings in Riverdale. I’m surprised she’s not taking a bottle of Chardonnay to the face after listening to all of that because that’s absolutely what I’ve been doing this entire season.
RIVERDALE: Gargoyle King. Diabolical teen fight club. Fizzle pop. Dry speakeasy.
Three seconds after Archie declares he’s a fugitive with a hit on his back he takes off on his own, probably to find another hot blonde to tell his entire life story to. He’s immediately accosted by Penny Peabody, who pulls a knife on him. Nevermind that he’s a 17-year-old boy in the prime of his life, but somehow he’s still easily overpowered by a middle-aged woman wearing too much leather. K.
JELLY BEAN: Drop the butter knife, bitch.
This is the best line on this show TO DATE. Because Penny Peabody is in fact holding a butter knife to his neck and Archie def just almost sh*t himself in fear.
Also Archie is the worst fugitive ever. Why don’t you get out of the immediate vicinity of your home, moron?? Like, this is a big world, kid. Stop going the only places Hiram would look for you.
After being taken down BY A PEBBLE, Penny Peabody is taken hostage by Gladys’ crew. Side note: Jughead’s mom looks far too old to have gotten with FP. I mean she’s hot and all, but I’m a little concerned this might have been a teacher and one of her middle school students kind of relationship that I read about in the New York Post all the time. Also, there is no one under the age of 65 named Gladys. I’m just saying.
Betty calls Veronica and lets her know that she’s being held hostage at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, but it’s chill, because she needed new material for her foreplay with Jughead anyways. She wants Veronica and Cheryl to figure out why Claudius was at the nunnery while she interrogates the head nun in charge.
Jughead’s mom tells them that there’s a huge bounty on Archie’s head—and anyone that’s helped Archie. She’s like “You gotta cut him loose, he’s dead weight.” F*CKING PREACH, GLADYS. I’ve only been saying this for three seasons.
ARCHIE: It’s okay, Jughead. You’ve gotten me this far, I can take care of the rest.
“This far”?? Lol aren’t they only, like, 20 miles outside of the town? Also, in the three miles they’ve ventured outside the Riverdale city limits, Archie has almost gotten himself killed twice before Jughead or one of his immediate relatives had to intervene. And we actually think he’s going to make it to the Canadian border by himself? He’ll probably twist his ankle after walking 300 feet, not be able to get back up, and starve to death. Sighs. A girl can certainly dream!
Cut to Betty, who has a woman of God strapped to a chair and is interrogating her. If the wigs and the internet porn weren’t damnation enough, Betty is CERTAINLY going to hell now. The nun says that G&G was a game made up by some insane teenagers as a way to cope with the world, which is funny because if I’m not mistaken that’s exactly how the creators of Riverdale came up with this godforsaken show.
Cheryl and Veronica are in the middle of their own interrogation. They’ve got Penelope tied to a chair and are waterboarding her with maple syrup. Waterboarding. Her. With. Maple. Syrup. I’m sorry, but are the Riverdale writers on fizzle pop too?? Or are we just tossing all semblances of reality out the window?
Jesus. Penelope just started licking her lips and it’s uncomfortably sexual. I want to call the police on whoever wrote this scene.
Gladys calls FP and Fred to come over to her garage to talk some sense into their moron sons. What a narc. But also good choice, because I shudder to think of what their next life choice might have been.
FP: Can I get a hug?
JELLY BEAN: Can I get a dad?
No, but you certainly have a zaddyyyyy.
F*CKING BE APPRECIATIVE, JELLY BEAN.
Cut to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where Betty is dressing up in cosplay to convince a bunch of unhinged teenage girls to escape the asylum. First of all, this town does not need one more unhinged teenager running amok. The 12 this show already revolves around are more than enough.
Second of all, it’s getting way too easy for these kids to break out of places. Like, was that one nun the only one in charge there? Where are the other adults? I thought there would be at least one other adult on the premises to stop the breakout. Apparently not.
OMG. Wait. Is Archie really leaving?? Have pigs flown? Has Hell frozen over? Are all my hopes and dreams coming true?? Damn, should I try actually responding to my messages on Hinge now?
Veronica and Cheryl show up at Hermione’s office and try and kick her out of office. As if deposing a government official could ever be this easy. Hermione’s like “I’m sorry, Veronica, but this isn’t a democracy, this is a cheerocracy and I’m overruling you.” Is this the part where V calls her a cheer-tator and a pain in her ass?
Also, lol what “order” went out? That all crime is legal? Is THAT the diabolic plan? Hiram is turning Riverdale into a mini Purge?
Hiram decides to quarantine the entire town AS IF A GOVERNOR WOULD GO ALONG WITH THIS!!!! HAS ANYONE WRITING FOR THE CW EVER LIVED ON PLANET EARTH. Like, who is coming up with these plot points? Did Kelly Ripa blackmail @writerras into using her son’s screenplay in addition to getting her husband a starring role? What. Is. Happening.
Okay, I’m done. I have to go take slow, relaxing breaths until January 15th when this stain upon the earth otherwise known as Riverdale finally returns from winter break. BYE.
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (1); @thecwriverdale /Instagram (1); @skeetme1 /Instagram (1); The CW (3)
Hello friends! Welcome to this week’s recap of Riverdale, or as I call it, A High School Story Written By Someone On Psychedelic Drugs. You may have noticed that I’m not It’s Britney, Betch. I’m sorry, but your old reviewer can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because she’s dead. Kidding! She has, like, a life or something?? So I volunteered as tribute. I’ll try to do her hilarious recaps some justice here, but I’m only human.
I’m sure you want a reminder of what happened last week, and for all my effort to forget it, it seems to have lodged its way into my skull like a piece of shrapnel you can’t remove, but one day might kill you. So let me refresh all your memories. In the episode, Veronica gets her Archiekins exonerated (somebody tell Kathleen Zellner she can go home), but he goes on the run anyway and breaks up with her via payphone. I also think Joaquin was murdered, the gargoyle king paid a visit to the Cooper house, and Alice casually surrendered Betty over to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and yada, yada, yada I’m just watching for Archie’s abs.
We kick off the episode with Archie and Jughead on their quest to go literally anywhere else, so they don’t get murdered by Mr. Kelly Ripa and his little gang of thugs named after fast food. They stumble across YET ANOTHER payphone, and Jug stops to call Betty. Look guys, I am willing to suspend my disbelief. Sure, have a teen fight club in a prison. Sure, have a mysterious “gargoyle king” torment a town. Sure, have everyone in said town have red hair. BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT THIS MANY PAYPHONES. I will not believe it. It’s 2018. They no longer exist. Archie wouldn’t know what to do with one if he saw it. Can’t they just use a burner phone like everyone else on the run? For f*cks sake.
Archie actually attempting to use a payphone:
But I digress. Betty is obviously not answering the phone. Dun dun dun. Jug leaves a voicemail. AS IF!! Wtf even is a voicemail? This whole scene is pissing me off. Methinks we need some millennials on the writing staff.
Anyway, Archie and Jug are hoping they can find a place to lodge, so naturally when they spot the barn from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre they think it’s a great place to lay their heads. They are immediately stopped by a tween with a shotgun and her sister that looks suspiciously like Riley Keough (please don’t let it be Riley! I can’t bear for Elvis’ spawn to have fallen so far!) because DUH this is clearly a murder house. Archie and Jug make up some story about how they got robbed on the train, and that worked well enough to convince the shotgun sisters that they should pretend everything is cool and feed the boys now, and then skin them and wear them as suits later.
Riley brings a pile of blankets and is obviously interested in making one into her coital bed with Archie. Wait till you see his abs my sad, lonely farm girl. JUST WAIT FOR IT.
Early in the morning Jug goes to town to take some pictures, and Archie stays at the farm to ask Riley to lick the sweat off his chest.
I’ve got some bad news for you all. If you thought that the barn was murder-y, just wait until you see this abandoned sh*thole of a town. TBH if I accidentally strolled onto Main Street here I would just say “oh so this is how it ends,” and let the rapture take me.
And what do ya know, some of the symbols that were burned into the backs of the nerds that played G&G are graffitied on walls in Murdertown, USA. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I NEVER COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
Jug approaches the sole inhabitant of the town, sitting in front of their local Killers ‘R’ Us, and she tells him that the jingle jangle and the fizzle rocks came and ruined them. I wish I made that sentence up but unfortunately it was verbatim.
Okay WTF is this scene? Archie is shirtless in jeans and Riley is shaving his “beard” with an old-fashioned razor. As if this is a barbershop and not a stash house for the people she just disemboweled.
UM EXCUSE ME, ARCHIEKINS?! Riley is so turned on by Archie’s semi-nude state and the blade she has to his neck that she just HAS to straddle him during this little personal grooming session. Archie tells her he has a girl back home, but not until after he has enough material to jerk off to in his sleeping bag tonight.
Archie immediately starts spewing the truth. He tells her his real name, Hiram’s name, why he left town, his astrological sign, his entire birth story, and where Lily and James Potter are hiding. He is literally the worst fugitive ever. I have a very bad feeling that Riley is actually one of Hiram’s henchmen and goes by the name of Chicken Nuggets or something equally stupid and food related and Archie is f*cked. Just call it a cliche hunch.
We’re back to Jughead in town. He’s casually taking some pics of the gargoyle king graffiti to give his Insta some street cred, and then begins to talk to some tween girls who are playing G&G.
Unsettling tweens: Have you played before?
The tweens also tell Jug that all the men are gone because they are off building a prison and cooking meth. My apologies. I was clearly wrong about this town. It’s not murder-y at all.
They say the ringleader is a “Man in Black.” Please let it be Will Smith, please let it be Will Smith, please let it be Will Smith.
Well, well, well, I hate to say I told you so but actually I love to say I told you so. Ask anyone who’s met me. I was right about Riley/Chicken Nuggets because she just whacked Archie across the head with a frying pan. Honestly he deserved it for being so f*cking stupid. I’m on board with this.
Sh*t. The man in black is not, in fact, Will Smith. It’s everyone’s second favorite mafia Don, Hiram Lodge. And here he is, being led into the house by Riley Chicken Nuggets and her shotgun sister. While they’re inside, Jug unties his useless sack of dead weight, Archie, and fills him in. Archie is SHOCKED. Oh honey, I guess it was too much to ask you to be pretty and smart. Jug wants to make a run for it but Archie, emboldened by his recent massive head trauma, would like to stay and fight. But isn’t his stab wound still oozing pus? Perhaps he should wait until he’s at 100%.
It turns out Riley Chicken Fingers is trading Archie in return for her brother and father, and honestly that’s a good trade. Archie ain’t worth it, girl. Abs will fade, but stupid is forever. You need to get your family back. But when Hiram gets to the barn in his sleek new Club Monaco coat, Archie and Jug have already escaped.
Back at home, Veronica is ready to GTFO of the Pembrooke. Hermione tries to convince her not to go, but she’s not having any of it. Ronnie decides to move into her speakeasy. Not the best housing situations going on in this episode, but on a scale of murder barn to Nun’s Prison, I’d say this sits squarely at the top. Well done, V.
The next day at the speakeasy, Ronnie is complaining to Reggie about how she works “all day and all night” and they’re barely scraping by. Okay, what? When did everyone stop going to high school? I know it’s been a while since I was there, but did they make it optional? Veronica speaks to Elio, son of another crime family, and enlists his help with turning the speakeasy into a casino for one night only.
And now casino night is here! That was quick. I would have thought it would have taken more prep work. But then again, none of these teenagers are going to school so I guess they had time to set up? Guys, take it from someone who would GLADLY go back to high school, treasure those work-free moments while you can! There’s so much on Netflix!
I’m getting a very riverboat in the ’20s kind of vibe from this night. Anyone else? Reggie has some bad news for V, though: Elio hasn’t lost a hand all night. Oh, so you mean he’s going to scam her. What an unpredictable turn of events.
Veronica decides she needs to stop the metaphorical bleeding so she proposes one hand with Elio, winner take all. They’re playing for pinks the deed to Pop’s. In an incredibly tense moment where I could not even imagine what was ever going to happen, Veronica hits exactly 21 and shows Elio’s sad ass the door.
After much celebration, Veronica reveals to Reggie what actually happened. Her father warned her Elio would try to screw her over, recommended that she use his own personal shady dealer, and she beat Elio by cheating. Ronnie, it is a BAD idea to get back into business with your dad! Because now one day he’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse and then the next thing you know you’ll be leaving the bloody head of a horse in your boyfriend’s bed.
The next day, Pop decides to burst Ronnie’s bubble by telling her that Sheriff Minetta’s body was found in the marsh. But they can’t be sure it was him BECAUSE HE WAS DECAPITATED AND HIS HANDS SAWED OFF. Lovely. I have to tell you, this town is going to really need to do some serious damage control if they ever want anyone to visit again. They should get the people that do Iceland’s PR. That place is blowing up, am I right?!
And now we’re on to Betty’s story. I don’t love how our leads are separated this week. It’s revealed to me a sad, depressing truth: I find Archie’s story the most fun. I know. I hate me too.
Over at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, a nun is showing Betty ink blots and she’s pretending to be perfectly sane. They’re also giving her drugs and calling it a “treat.” TBH that’s what I called Amoxicillin when I was younger. That bubble gum flavoring was bomb. If you were actually wondering what was happening this whole time, never fear, Betty is narrating the entire thing. It’s incredibly annoying and very insulting that they think viewers wouldn’t be able to understand what was going on otherwise. Not all of us are as dumb as Archie!
After Betty ditches her drugs in the garbage can, her roommate ETHEL walks in. Oh hi Ethel, I should have known you were coming by the chill it sent down my spine. Ethel tells Betty that she’s been getting very close to the gargoyle king. Gross. Then she proceeds to hang up a “warrior board” that basically has the words “Mrs. Ethel Gargoyle King” scrawled all over it. Damn. I thought my freshman year roommate was weird because she changed in front of her dad one time while she thought I was taking a nap, but this is much more alarming.
Outside the Nun’s Prison, Betty sees Claudius Blossom delivering maple syrup, and then HIRAM LODGE SHOWS UP. Dude, can these teenagers go ANYWHERE without Veronica’s dad spoiling the party? Expect to see him at your next pap smear, ladies! If you’re on a first date, he’ll pop up! When you’re at your mom’s funeral, there’s Hiram!
Later, Betty fakes a seizure so she can get closer to her medical records. She’s taken to the infirmary, breaks into their file cabinet, and finds out what they’re dosing her with. And it turns out HIRAM LODGE is the one who told them to give it to her. Told you. He’s always there.
Betty decides to escape, but unfortunately since they last broke Cheryl out of the Nun’s Prison, the escape route has been covered with bricks. These nuns may be stereotypically evil, but they aren’t stupid! That tattletale b*tch Ethel and her accomplice Sister Woodhouse find Betty and force-feed her the fizzle rocks. Then they drag Betty to FINALLY MEET THE KING. They shove her into the room and she screams.
We don’t get to see the king, but Betty does bless us with this poem to end the episode, “My king, my savior, ride me through the night, bless me with your darkness, gift me with your flight.” That’s beautiful. I’m going to put it in my vows.
Well folks, that was a wild ride! In my opinion, a little too much gargoyle king stuff and not enough of Archie’s body. There’s always next week!
Images: The CW; Giphy (5)
After a brief hiatus, Riverdale is back
on its bullsh*t to its regularly scheduled programing. Thank god. I don’t know what I’m more grateful for this year: my health and happiness or that Archie might be dying from his brand wound. Lol like I have health or happiness. Now, if you’ll recall, in the last episode five members of Riverdale High’s junior class managed to break Archie out of prison with nothing but a blonde wig and a stink bomb. A BLONDE WIG AND A STINK BOMB. If you think that sounds ridiculous and far-fetched, that’s because it absolutely is. What can I say? I don’t write the show; I just watch it. God help me. And on that note, shall we find out how far the Riverdale writers are going to stretch the realm of reality this episode?
The episode starts with a close up of Archie’s abs, lest we forget what he’s good for on this show. No need, CW, I know exactly how far KJ Apa’s acting abilities stretch!
Archie is still chilling in Dilton’s bunker/Bughead’s sex den with some sort of fever? Idk. He’s sweating and breathing heavy so he’s either trying to rub his remaining two brain cells together or his classmates did a sh*tty job of taking care of his branding wound. So you can solve town murders, break someone out of prison, AND make honor roll but your triage skills are only average? I guess you really can’t have it all, can you Betty?
Oh right I totally forgot about Jughead seeing the Gargoyle King last episode. He runs into the bunker and tells Betty what he saw, but it’s suspect at best. If the writers of this show want me to believe that Jughead actually saw a supernatural being and not just a manifestation of his cocaine addiction, then they need to try harder.
Betty comes home and Alice is only mildly concerned that her 17-year-old daughter has been missing for 48 hours. I feel like Alice is being way too chill about this. My mother has been known to Facebook message my boss about my whereabouts if I don’t return her calls by the time I get to work, and I’m 26.
ALICE: Did you help break your friend out of prison last night?
BETTY: No, I was just with Jughead all night.
I’M SORRY BUT IS THAT BETTER?? Lol remember when Alice used to get outraged over Betty wearing red lipstick and now she doesn’t even bat an eye when Betty says she’s been out fornicating with her boyfriend for two days? Simpler times.
Back at the bunker, Archie and Veronica are still banging on every visible surface. First Betty and Jughead, now Archie and Veronica. Please tell me someone is washing those sheets in between uses.
Archie wants to go find the guys that Hiram paid off to lie about Archie being at the crime scene, and it’s like ARE YOU STUPID BRO?? Literally the entire town is out sharpening their pitchforks over your ass rn and you think it’s a good time for a road trip? You know what, Archie? You deserve prison. Bye.
Cut to Riverdale High where the Sheriff is interrogating a room full of minors (without their parents’ consent!!!) about Archie’s escape. He’s like “if you helped him escape then there will be no more football practice or music rooms for you. Just prison.” First of all, I know for a fact that the Riverdale juvenile detention center has both football AND a music room, so you’re gonna have to try harder than that to break these kids.
He starts in on Josie and she immediately starts to seize. Why do I feel like it’s going to come out that this is another “stress seizure” induced from too much Adderall? I love that the writers of this show are like “it’s chill to bang your boyfriend in a prison locker room but just don’t do Adderall!! It’s a slippery slope.”
Lol I forgot about the tent city. Sweet Pea’s like “they’re tearing apart the city looking for Archie!!” and it’s like, no, sweetie. They’re just lifting up some tent flaps. This is not so much a city as it is dumpster site, but okay.
Okay, wait. Betty’s master plan for getting all the parents to tell the truth is to lure them to Veronica’s lame club with fake invitations. That’s it? I love how they’re all like “damn it, she got us.” I’m sorry, but, like, is there a gun to your head? No?? Then just f*cking leave! It’s not like you’re being held against your will! You’re adults, for god’s sake!
I think it’s funny that Betty still refers to Hiram, the man who imprisoned her friend and set metaphorical fire to everything her boyfriend knows and loves, as “Mr. Lodge.” Always so polite.
Hiram basically tells Betty to f*ck off and that he’s a very busy man and doesn’t have time to play Law and Order with his daughter’s best friend. THANK YOU, HIRAM. That’s what I’ve been saying here!
Okay, WHAT. Penelope says that Dilton Doily’s dad poisoned the principal back in high school, which feels super convenient because he’s dead now.
FP finds Jughead and handcuffs him to the fridge so he won’t play any more board games behind his back. FP is all “you sound like an addict, Jughead!” And it’s, like, maybe he is one though? Because that would make way more sense than the tree creature thing.
Meanwhile, Veronica is off running her one-woman innocence project. She’s determined to prove Archie’s innocence by homecoming. Anything for the Instagram, amiright, Veronica?
She finds some doctored video footage that could get Archie released and prove that Hiram bribed the witnesses to say Archie was the murderer. And by “could get released” I mean only in this REALM OF ABSURDITY because the evidence is flimsy at best. I would love to see her plead this case in front of a judge: “but the coffee cup was empty, your honor!!”
VERONICA: *finds evidence once*
Cut to Archie, who did in fact leave the safety of the bunker and is off with Kevin to track down the witnesses. But don’t worry, people, he is wearing a disguise! A sweatshirt and a RED baseball cap that perfectly accentuates his flaming head, but a disguise nonetheless!! God I bet his parents wish they had never procreated.
Jughead tracks down Joaquin and starts interrogating him like a sister who had her shirt borrowed. There’s a lot of empty threats and hair pulling. Honestly, I expected more from a gang leader, but fine. Joaquin says that the warden was forced to play G&G too and that Archie had to die, which is literally everything they already knew. Jughead, maybe you should try saying you’ll tell mom if he doesn’t confess! That always worked for me.
Joaquin says that the warden met with “a man in a suit” and everyone thinks that means Hiram because I guess he’s the only one who wears those kinds of things. Jughead goes to confront him and I seriously hope he has another plan for getting information out of Hiram other than the “just please tell me” strategy he was using before.
JUGHEAD: You’re more than just a Kingpin, you’re the Gargoyle King.
Lol. First of all, I think it’s a stretch to call Hiram a “Kingpin” of anything. I’ve literally seen more frightening people on New Jersey transit. It doesn’t help that every time I look at Hiram all I can think is “Kelly Ripa paid for this role for you.”
Elsewhere, Betty is killing time at the coroner’s office. Like, can’t you just hang out in a mall or something? Why are you like this?
Also, calling it right now, the coroner is the Gargoyle King. That man and his shifty eyes are way too creepy to not be involved somehow. He tells Betty that Doily Sr. didn’t die of a suicide but was poisoned. Why he’s telling a high school junior anything other than “I’m calling your mom” is beyond me, but okay.
Archie and Kevin find the witnesses in a super sketchy cave. It’s unclear as to why this is the first place they thought to look. And before you come @ me in the comments, I’m sure this was explained at some point in the episode but every time Archie comes on screen I have a habit of blocking it out.
All of the witnesses are dead except one and OF COURSE Archie wants to him to a hospital. Do you know what it is to be a fugitive? You’re supposed to lay low. Not get in the middle of another murder investigation!!
OMG WHAT. Joaquin is dead?? Jughead finds him in the middle of
Hooverville Serpent territory with blue lips and a bloody symbol on his head. Honestly, it looks less like he was poisoned and more like he experimented with a Kylie lip kit, but I’ll let Jughead be the judge of what happened.
Okay, but why does Betty have to turn every family dinner into an interrogation? She comes home, finds Alice cooking dinner, and immediately starts in on her for covering up the Doily murder.
BETTY: Care to explain why you covered up another murder?
ALICE: CAN I LIVE?
MY GOD Betty, let the woman live! She’s over here making a three course meal, and your ungrateful ass is still hung up on this crime? At least she didn’t actually murder anybody this time (probably).
OH SH*T. The power goes out mid-interrogation and the Gargoyle King is in their goddamn house. IN THE HOUSE. They run upstairs and lock themselves in Betty’s room only to find some v disturbing makeshift grave on her bed.
Okay, but why does FP not look at all surprised that the tree monster showed up for dessert? Alice is, like, losing it and shouting at him about the Gargoyle King and he’s looking sketchy AF. Did you throw the pig’s blood on Betty’s bed? It’s not like she didn’t deserve it!
Wait, is Alice having Betty committed?? To the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?! I’m pretty sure you can’t just commit someone for being a morbid bitch, otherwise I’d be wearing a straitjacket rn.
Archie tells Veronica that he isn’t coming back to Riverdale because even though his name has been cleared he’s still afraid of her daddy. Also, this little goodbye speech of his is simultaneously making me want to cry myself to sleep and set fire to anyone with a Y chromosome. Like, what kind of f*ckboy-ery is this?? He’s all “you’re perfect for me, which is why I need to be in a different state from you.”
VERONICA: but we’re end game.
I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Wait does this mean Archie is off the show now? *crosses fingers and toes* WAIT WHY IS JUGHEAD GOING WITH HIM TOO THOUGH?? We can’t lose both heartthrobs in one episode! Do you know how many teenage girls (and myself) are about to fling themselves off a building over this?
Also, if Jughead is gone then who is going to save Betty from the conversion camp her mother just threw her in? Welp, only time will tell. See you betches next week, where it appears Archie is going to mourn his breakup with the “love of his life” by hooking up with random farm hoes. Kisses!
Images: Giphy (3); The CW (3); @writerras /Instagram (2)