Welcome back once again, people, to another wild Wednesday night in Riverdale. Last week left us with a lot of questions, mostly what are the writers of Riverdale smoking, and where can I get some? There’s also the question of who would willingly rent out their cabin in the woods to a 17-year-old whose background check reads “high school dropout” and “recently incarcerated.” If I thought any of those questions could actually be answered without opening another plot hole the size of Archie’s vacation cabin I would have stopped DMing the writers on Instagram. But, alas, here we are. So, on that note, let’s just dive right in.
If you’ll recall, when last we left off my prayers had been answered Archie had been mauled by a bear. Lol. After the attack he slipped into some sort of demented fever dream where he realized that he is in fact the worst, and then tried to subconsciously beat himself to death. Again, @writerras WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??
Moving on. The episode opens with another judgey voiceover from Jughead. He’s making passive-aggressive comments about Archie’s new hair color, and this is a level of petty I aspire to. Like, your friend just barely survived being mauled to death by a wild animal and you’re dragging him for trying to see if brunettes have more fun.
JUGHEAD: He was now a stranger. He had dark hair.
You’re a messy bitch, Jughead, but I love it!
Okay, also, can we take a minute to talk about said grizzly attack? Like, the last we saw of Archie he was in the middle of nowhere, bleeding to death, and now he’s walking into Riverdale like nothing happened? I mean, he had to go to the hospital for those injuries, right? How in the hell was social services not called? He’s a minor! And did he barter his new L.L. Bean vest to pay the medical bills? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Archie goes to Veronica’s bar to let her know that he’s back in town and I sincerely hope she beats him to death with one of her mocktails. Don’t get me wrong, I love any scene that involves a man groveling, but Veronica is way too good for this dipsh*t.
VERONICA: What the hell happened to your hair?
Lol. Okay, guys, LET HIM LIVE.
Okay WHAT. Are they going to bang? Right there on the bar? What happened to Reggie? Aren’t they together? Veronica’s all, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me?” and when Archie gives her a vague shrug as his answer, she immediately suggests doggy style behind the bar. Come on, V! I expected more from you.
Guys, Archie has changed soooo much since his time in Canada. Not only is he brunette, but he doesn’t even have the same drink order any more! Okay, stop it. I’m worried now.
BETTY: Why didn’t you order a strawberry milkshake?
ARCHIE: I like root beer floats now.
HIS FRIENDS:
Root beer floats, Arch? Wow. Canada changed you.
Lol I love how Betty is all of a sudden acting like these kids go to school. She’s all, “Guys the SATs are this weekend, who all wants to study?” But when will you have time to study, Betty, what with all the murders you have to solve and adults you need to shake down? Hmm?
Betty’s card gets denied at Pop’s and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. The card getting denied part, not a teenager learning how to build credit. Please. She finds out that Alice is the one behind it. Not only has her mom maxed out all of her credit cards, but she’s also drained all of her savings and college funds and given it to The Farm. Because that doesn’t all feel like a culty thing to do.
Okay, STOP. The principal also suddenly cares about academics?? Why is this show suddenly being logical? Are the writers finally reading my burn book recaps? WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT.
I don’t trust any of this.
HAHA. The principal wants Archie to repeat his junior year and Archie looks shook. Like, dude, you spent the first half of the school year in prison and the second half as a walking ad for the outdoor store in seclusion in Canada. You can’t really be surprised that he can’t just pass you to the next grade because you look good with your shirt off. Come on.
Ah, so Veronica is still dating Reggie. Reggie tries to kiss her by her locker and she’s like “um excuse me but the guy who dumped me over a payphone and hasn’t responded to any of my texts in weeks is actually back and interested in me for five minutes so we’re done, k?” That’s it, Veronica, dump a guy who’s actually interested in you for one who thought the SATs was a new music festival. God. Veronica is me. I am Veronica.
Meanwhile, Archie is starting to realize his limitations. And by limitations I mean that he has the vocabulary of a boulder.
JUGHEAD: Let’s start with an easy one. What does “iconoclast” mean?
ARCHIE:
Lol. Yeah, this kid is going far. But not even as far as management at McDonald’s.
Okay, Veronica is bold. She gets all their friends INCLUDING REGGIE to gather for a study/welcome home party for Archie. She’s like “sit down lover and let me serenade you” and I just vomited in my mouth a little. Honestly, Reggie looks about as homicidal as I feel right now. Someone please make the random acts of singing stop.
Archie starts having flashbacks to his vision quest and flees the party. Veronica’s like, “he’s changed! He doesn’t even like my singing anymore!” And it’s like, did he ever, though? Or did he just like to get laid? I’ll let you decide, V!
Cut to the next day, and Reggie is going in on Archie for dipping out on Veronica’s ego trip public serenading. He’s like, “why are you such a little bitch” and it’s, like, damn I guess Archie has the right to remain burned. That was a good one.
HAHA. Archie turns around and shows off his scars from the attack and I just snorted out loud. He supposedly got mauled within an inch of his life and it just looks like a cat scratched him. Is this a joke? Are those actually supposed to be claw marks from a bear? There’s barely anything there! Reggie, DO NOT be intimidated by this!
Meanwhile, Betty does what I do every time my mother asks me if I really need all those iced coffees and to “learn to save”: asks daddy for money. She’s like “mom can’t be trusted” as she speaks to a man with IRON BARS separating him from society. K.
It turns out Hal was the OG Gargoyle King who poisoned Principal Weatherby back in the day. He’s like “they were all a bunch of sinners” and I can’t argue with that. Alice wearing crop tops during her first trimester! Finding out that Penelope actually marries her adopted brother! I’m not comfortable with how much time I’ve spent talking about that flashback episode with my therapist.
Also, is it just me, or is listening to their father/daughter bonding time a bit like listening to the last two minutes of a Scooby Doo episode?
BETTY: I solved your murders, didn’t I?
HAL: And I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for my meddling kid!
Okay, I totally forgot that Fangs was going undercover in the Gargoyle Gang. He tries to infiltrate what appears to be a Klan meeting, but with Halloween masks. This is so unsettling.
It’s revealed that Tall Boy is in fact the tree monster/pretend Gargoyle King who has been terrorizing people all over Riverdale. But, like, why though? This feels completely random and not at all like the writers played 52 pickup with the cast’s headshots to see who would be the villain this season.
Meanwhile, Archie finds out that Reggie and Veronica hooked up while he was gone and he’s piiiissed. I’m not sure why though? Like, Archie, did you or did you not get a lap dance from some rando farm girl three minutes after dumping Veronica over a payphone? Yeah. Cry me a river, Red.
Betty confronts Penelope Blossom about visiting her dad in prison. I’m not surprised at all that Penelope likes to hang out in penitentiaries. That feels very on brand for her character.
BETTY: Are you one of those sickos who fantasizes over serial killers?
PENELOPE: As a girl I did write love letters to Jeffery Dahmer. So, yes.
BETTY:
Oh shut tf up, Betty. As if you’re not one of those sickos who gets wet from murders. You forget we’ve all seen your wig, honey!
I’m sorry, but did Archie just ask for one last bang? He’s like “I get it, I’m not very bright and I kind of suck, but can we have breakup sex please?” AND VERONICA DOES IT. Mija! Where is your self worth! You’re better than this, girlfriend.
Fast forward to the next day, and it’s SAT time. I’m shocked the writers are actually going to follow through with this plotline. I guess Veronica and Archie test prep a little bit differently than me.
It’s not looking good for Archie. Jesus. He’s struggling to even bubble in his name. His combined score on the practice test was 600 so I’m not confident he even did it right on the practice run. He runs out of the room and immediately has a panic attack.
Meanwhile, Hiram is bragging about out-smarting two high school juniors and FP. Bravo, Hiram. We’re so impressed.
Wait. Holy sh*t. Is Hiram dead?? Did someone just shoot him? Was it Archie? He was all riled up after a long day of number two pencils and standardized test taking…
Mark Consuelos’ best acting to date tbh.
VERONICA: He got shot sometime after you fled the SATs…
ARCHIE: Lol r u serious?
The boy has a point, V! In all honesty, I don’t think it was Archie. This is the boy whose grand plan to escape prison involved rushing the gates in broad daylight. Premeditated murder feels a little outside his skillset.
Meanwhile, Jughead shows up to the bunker to find that Sweet Pea and Fangs have shot Tall Boy. They’re freaking out but, like, this isn’t the first time Jughead’s gotten rid of a body before. Body disposal is kind of his foreplay.
WHAT. FP IS THE SHERIFF. WHAT. First of all, I’ve never been so wet in my life. My god, that uniform is everything. Second of all, I’m not even going to question the plot hole that is a convicted felon taking over a vacant sheriff position. As if there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over this. I don’t even care! As long as he wears that uniform from now until forever I’ll take it.
And on that note, I’m out! If you need me I’ll just be googling “Skeet Ulrich smoke show” from now until next Wednesday. BYE.
Images: Giphy (4); The CW (3);
After a brief hiatus, Riverdale is back on its bullsh*t to its regularly scheduled programing. Thank god. I don’t know what I’m more grateful for this year: my health and happiness or that Archie might be dying from his brand wound. Lol like I have health or happiness. Now, if you’ll recall, in the last episode five members of Riverdale High’s junior class managed to break Archie out of prison with nothing but a blonde wig and a stink bomb. A BLONDE WIG AND A STINK BOMB. If you think that sounds ridiculous and far-fetched, that’s because it absolutely is. What can I say? I don’t write the show; I just watch it. God help me. And on that note, shall we find out how far the Riverdale writers are going to stretch the realm of reality this episode?
The episode starts with a close up of Archie’s abs, lest we forget what he’s good for on this show. No need, CW, I know exactly how far KJ Apa’s acting abilities stretch!
Archie is still chilling in Dilton’s bunker/Bughead’s sex den with some sort of fever? Idk. He’s sweating and breathing heavy so he’s either trying to rub his remaining two brain cells together or his classmates did a sh*tty job of taking care of his branding wound. So you can solve town murders, break someone out of prison, AND make honor roll but your triage skills are only average? I guess you really can’t have it all, can you Betty?
Oh right I totally forgot about Jughead seeing the Gargoyle King last episode. He runs into the bunker and tells Betty what he saw, but it’s suspect at best. If the writers of this show want me to believe that Jughead actually saw a supernatural being and not just a manifestation of his cocaine addiction, then they need to try harder.
Betty comes home and Alice is only mildly concerned that her 17-year-old daughter has been missing for 48 hours. I feel like Alice is being way too chill about this. My mother has been known to Facebook message my boss about my whereabouts if I don’t return her calls by the time I get to work, and I’m 26.
ALICE: Did you help break your friend out of prison last night?
BETTY: No, I was just with Jughead all night.
I’M SORRY BUT IS THAT BETTER?? Lol remember when Alice used to get outraged over Betty wearing red lipstick and now she doesn’t even bat an eye when Betty says she’s been out fornicating with her boyfriend for two days? Simpler times.
Back at the bunker, Archie and Veronica are still banging on every visible surface. First Betty and Jughead, now Archie and Veronica. Please tell me someone is washing those sheets in between uses.
Archie wants to go find the guys that Hiram paid off to lie about Archie being at the crime scene, and it’s like ARE YOU STUPID BRO?? Literally the entire town is out sharpening their pitchforks over your ass rn and you think it’s a good time for a road trip? You know what, Archie? You deserve prison. Bye.
Cut to Riverdale High where the Sheriff is interrogating a room full of minors (without their parents’ consent!!!) about Archie’s escape. He’s like “if you helped him escape then there will be no more football practice or music rooms for you. Just prison.” First of all, I know for a fact that the Riverdale juvenile detention center has both football AND a music room, so you’re gonna have to try harder than that to break these kids.
He starts in on Josie and she immediately starts to seize. Why do I feel like it’s going to come out that this is another “stress seizure” induced from too much Adderall? I love that the writers of this show are like “it’s chill to bang your boyfriend in a prison locker room but just don’t do Adderall!! It’s a slippery slope.”
Lol I forgot about the tent city. Sweet Pea’s like “they’re tearing apart the city looking for Archie!!” and it’s like, no, sweetie. They’re just lifting up some tent flaps. This is not so much a city as it is dumpster site, but okay.
Okay, wait. Betty’s master plan for getting all the parents to tell the truth is to lure them to Veronica’s lame club with fake invitations. That’s it? I love how they’re all like “damn it, she got us.” I’m sorry, but, like, is there a gun to your head? No?? Then just f*cking leave! It’s not like you’re being held against your will! You’re adults, for god’s sake!
I think it’s funny that Betty still refers to Hiram, the man who imprisoned her friend and set metaphorical fire to everything her boyfriend knows and loves, as “Mr. Lodge.” Always so polite.
Hiram basically tells Betty to f*ck off and that he’s a very busy man and doesn’t have time to play Law and Order with his daughter’s best friend. THANK YOU, HIRAM. That’s what I’ve been saying here!
Okay, WHAT. Penelope says that Dilton Doily’s dad poisoned the principal back in high school, which feels super convenient because he’s dead now.
FP finds Jughead and handcuffs him to the fridge so he won’t play any more board games behind his back. FP is all “you sound like an addict, Jughead!” And it’s, like, maybe he is one though? Because that would make way more sense than the tree creature thing.
Meanwhile, Veronica is off running her one-woman innocence project. She’s determined to prove Archie’s innocence by homecoming. Anything for the Instagram, amiright, Veronica?
She finds some doctored video footage that could get Archie released and prove that Hiram bribed the witnesses to say Archie was the murderer. And by “could get released” I mean only in this REALM OF ABSURDITY because the evidence is flimsy at best. I would love to see her plead this case in front of a judge: “but the coffee cup was empty, your honor!!”
VERONICA: *finds evidence once*
ALSO VERONICA:
Cut to Archie, who did in fact leave the safety of the bunker and is off with Kevin to track down the witnesses. But don’t worry, people, he is wearing a disguise! A sweatshirt and a RED baseball cap that perfectly accentuates his flaming head, but a disguise nonetheless!! God I bet his parents wish they had never procreated.
Jughead tracks down Joaquin and starts interrogating him like a sister who had her shirt borrowed. There’s a lot of empty threats and hair pulling. Honestly, I expected more from a gang leader, but fine. Joaquin says that the warden was forced to play G&G too and that Archie had to die, which is literally everything they already knew. Jughead, maybe you should try saying you’ll tell mom if he doesn’t confess! That always worked for me.
Joaquin says that the warden met with “a man in a suit” and everyone thinks that means Hiram because I guess he’s the only one who wears those kinds of things. Jughead goes to confront him and I seriously hope he has another plan for getting information out of Hiram other than the “just please tell me” strategy he was using before.
JUGHEAD: You’re more than just a Kingpin, you’re the Gargoyle King.
Lol. First of all, I think it’s a stretch to call Hiram a “Kingpin” of anything. I’ve literally seen more frightening people on New Jersey transit. It doesn’t help that every time I look at Hiram all I can think is “Kelly Ripa paid for this role for you.”
Elsewhere, Betty is killing time at the coroner’s office. Like, can’t you just hang out in a mall or something? Why are you like this?
Also, calling it right now, the coroner is the Gargoyle King. That man and his shifty eyes are way too creepy to not be involved somehow. He tells Betty that Doily Sr. didn’t die of a suicide but was poisoned. Why he’s telling a high school junior anything other than “I’m calling your mom” is beyond me, but okay.
Archie and Kevin find the witnesses in a super sketchy cave. It’s unclear as to why this is the first place they thought to look. And before you come @ me in the comments, I’m sure this was explained at some point in the episode but every time Archie comes on screen I have a habit of blocking it out.
All of the witnesses are dead except one and OF COURSE Archie wants to him to a hospital. Do you know what it is to be a fugitive? You’re supposed to lay low. Not get in the middle of another murder investigation!!
OMG WHAT. Joaquin is dead?? Jughead finds him in the middle of Hooverville Serpent territory with blue lips and a bloody symbol on his head. Honestly, it looks less like he was poisoned and more like he experimented with a Kylie lip kit, but I’ll let Jughead be the judge of what happened.
Okay, but why does Betty have to turn every family dinner into an interrogation? She comes home, finds Alice cooking dinner, and immediately starts in on her for covering up the Doily murder.
BETTY: Care to explain why you covered up another murder?
ALICE: CAN I LIVE?
MY GOD Betty, let the woman live! She’s over here making a three course meal, and your ungrateful ass is still hung up on this crime? At least she didn’t actually murder anybody this time (probably).
OH SH*T. The power goes out mid-interrogation and the Gargoyle King is in their goddamn house. IN THE HOUSE. They run upstairs and lock themselves in Betty’s room only to find some v disturbing makeshift grave on her bed.
Okay, but why does FP not look at all surprised that the tree monster showed up for dessert? Alice is, like, losing it and shouting at him about the Gargoyle King and he’s looking sketchy AF. Did you throw the pig’s blood on Betty’s bed? It’s not like she didn’t deserve it!
Wait, is Alice having Betty committed?? To the Sisters of Quiet Mercy?! I’m pretty sure you can’t just commit someone for being a morbid bitch, otherwise I’d be wearing a straitjacket rn.
Archie tells Veronica that he isn’t coming back to Riverdale because even though his name has been cleared he’s still afraid of her daddy. Also, this little goodbye speech of his is simultaneously making me want to cry myself to sleep and set fire to anyone with a Y chromosome. Like, what kind of f*ckboy-ery is this?? He’s all “you’re perfect for me, which is why I need to be in a different state from you.”
VERONICA: but we’re end game.
ME: 
I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Wait does this mean Archie is off the show now? *crosses fingers and toes* WAIT WHY IS JUGHEAD GOING WITH HIM TOO THOUGH?? We can’t lose both heartthrobs in one episode! Do you know how many teenage girls (and myself) are about to fling themselves off a building over this?
Also, if Jughead is gone then who is going to save Betty from the conversion camp her mother just threw her in? Welp, only time will tell. See you betches next week, where it appears Archie is going to mourn his breakup with the “love of his life” by hooking up with random farm hoes. Kisses!
Images: Giphy (3); The CW (3); @writerras /Instagram (2)
Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! And by “thrilling” I mean ridiculous and utterly beyond the scope of reality but, hey, isn’t that why we sh*t talk love this show? Last episode we learned that high school Alice looked better in a crop top during her second trimester of pregnancy than I do after ingesting a big gulp of air, and also that every parent in Riverdale was super into G&G back in the day. The principal was mysteriously murdered during one of their LARPing play dates and now everyone thinks G&G is the devil’s game. And if that sounds like utter nonsense to you THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. And on that note, shall we get to recapping?
Okay, right away I know this episode is about to be lit. The opening scenes are Jughead getting high off dragon porn and board games (I paraphrase) and Archie planning his escape from Juvie. Lol. I love that the other inmates are relying on Archie to be the brains of this operation. I mean, this is a kid whose banking password is probably 1234 and you think he’s gonna get you to the promised land? Seriously?
Lol, so his big escape plan is to just make a run for the gates while the guards’ backs are turned? In broad daylight? THAT’S IT?? That’s not a plan! That’s barely even a thought process.
Predictably the guards immediately foil Archie’s “plan” by OPENING FIRE on a bunch of minors. This is such a gross miscarriage of justice, I can’t. Like where is the Innocence Project/sorority philanthropy Veronica humble-bragged about starting up? Hmm?
Archie looks shocked that his plan didn’t work. Tbh I also didn’t expect the people looking after delinquent children to bring assault rifles to yard time.
Cut to Dilton’s bunker, where Betty is trying to figure wtf is going on with Jughead. He’s v deep into G&G and thinks that if he plays the game he’ll be able to figure out who the game master is and solve all the murders. At least that’s what I gather is coming out of his mouth because all I’m hearing is “troll this” and “dragon that” and “Dumbledore in the astronomy tower with the elder wand.” SPEAK ENGLISH, MAN.
Okay, WHAT. The warden has Archie shirtless and strapped to a bed. It’s like Betty and Jughead’s foreplay except the warden has a goddamn fire poker. Is he going to brand him?! I didn’t realize the NXIVM cult had a chapter at this prison.
Meanwhile, back at Riverdale High, Betty is catching the whole crew up on Alice’s story minus mentioning all the sex Alice was having. Honestly, those five seconds Betty spoke on screen could have summed up last week’s episode entirely. Sighs.
REGGIE: I don’t buy it. There’s no way my dad dressed up in cosplay and hung out with a bunch of lame-ass nerds.
THANK YOU, REGGIE. That is what I’ve been trying to say here!
Betty tells them that they have to investigate their parents but, like, subtly. All her friends are f*cking shook that their parents could be murderers and Betty is just like “so?” Yeah, I can imagine that discovering the same person who gave you life is also poisoning half the town would sound like a Tuesday in Betty’s world.
Okay, Jughead is f*cking losing it. FP confronts him about playing G&G and he’s acting like he just caught Jughead doing lines in the bathroom, which would actually explain his insane behavior rn.
FP: What did I say about playing that board game of sin? Put that game away right now!
JUGHEAD:
Let the boy live, FP!
Meanwhile, Veronica hires her friend/child of the mob to help her infiltrate the prison. He finds a way to sneak her into Fight Club despite the fact that she’s been banned from stepping foot on the premise and her picture was handed out to the entire security team. But it’s chill because she’s wearing a wig!
They bring out the fighters and Veronica immediately spots Archie. She’s like “I’d recognize those abs anywhere!” Yes, well, wouldn’t we all, Veronica. I think it’s against his contract to be fully clothed for longer than one scene.
MY GOD it cannot be this easy for a 17-year-old in a wig to track down her incarcerated boyfriend. It just can’t. She finds him after the fight in the locker room completely alone and is like “I’ve only got about 20 minutes that should be enough time for a quickie, no?”
They start going at it against the lockers and it’s like if Archie is unsupervised long enough to raw dog his girlfriend in the bathroom then maybe he could escape now?? No?? Just me? K.
Lol scratch that. Veronica also comes to the same conclusion that they could easily break Archie out after one of his fights. Clearly all they need is a wig and a 20 minute bathroom break.
Archie’s like “yeah, yeah, that could work but have you seen The Shawshank Redemption? Let’s do that.” He wants to tunnel out through the drain underneath the fighting ring instead and it’s just like, why are you making this harder then it has to be?
ME: *listens to scheme to break Archie out of prison that makes no logistical sense* *knows they’re screwed*
ALSO ME:
Veronica asks all her friends to help her bust Archie out of prison and she’s acting like she just asked them to take notes for her in biology or something. Like, bitch, this is a big ask!
VERONICA: He’s mixed up in some sort of diabolical teen fight club and we have to help him!
ALSO VERONICA: Get in loser, we’re committing a felony.
Cut to the prison, where the warden invites Archie to his last meal on earth, which is literally what I tell myself my $60 Seamless order is when I’ve decided my diet starts tomorrow.
Lol I love how candid this guy is being with Archie. He’s like “what can I do Hiram hates you.” WHAT CAN YOU DO. Also, he does realize that Archie has two loving parents, one of whom is a lawyer, who would certainly notice if their son just randomly died while incarcerated, right? Like, there’s no way he’s getting away with this.
During their little dinner he tells Archie all about how Hiram set him up for murder. Apparently Hiram paid off all the witnesses with 10 grand each. He’s like “you’re life is only worth $30,000 how do you feel about that” and, honestly, I thought it would be worth less. Good for you, Archie!
Archie’s getting ready for his fight when Joaquin randomly shows up and starts kissing Archie?? Ah, so that whole “give me your shoes” thing was a metaphor for butt stuff. Got it.
OMG. HOLY SH*T. Just as I’m thinking Archie might throw Joaquin against the lockers for another locker room quickie, Joaquin shivs him! They drag Archie out to fight with an open wound and it’s not looking great for him.
Also, weirdly Jughead predicted all of this? He’s acting v v creepy and I don’t like it. Like, what is Jughead on? Did he eat future-telling mushrooms or something? Is that part of the game??
Lol. The kids are three seconds into the great escape and the door guy is already calling bullsh*t on Veronica and her plan. Like, it is step one and it’s already all going to hell.
BOUNCER: That’s not the password
VERONICA:
But she has a wig, sir!!
Betty is also ready to start some sh*t and I know this because she showed up to the escape plan party wearing all leather and her Serpents jacket. Subtle.
The guards bring Archie out into the ring and it looks like he has to fight Mad Dog?? What? He’s alive?? And looking like a goddamn snack??
*camera pans to hooded figure*
ME: I would recognize those abs anywhere.
Mad Dog, call me!
Veronica runs into Hiram right as the escape is about to go down and this has to be the part where the whole thing gets cancelled. Has to.
OKAY. WHAT. Apparently all Veronica has to do to take Hiram out of the equation is to step on his toe. Is this real? He’s a grown-ass man and a hardened criminal and yet you’re telling me he goes down after a stubbed toe? The man has done jail time! Veronica throws a stink bomb (?) into the ring and Hiram just watches it happen. He’s not even limping, for god sakes! He could totally end this!
Mad Dog tells Archie to run, that he’ll hold off the armed guards. He’s like “I can’t fit in that grate!” and it’s like you don’t even want to try tho?? I have a feeling he’s not going to make it and I’m pissed. The CW would kill off the only level-headed hot guy to ever be on this godforsaken show so that Archie can live.
Archie gets away but this whole thing is very weird. The warden keeps calling Archie the Red Paladin, which is exactly what Jughead has been calling Archie in the quest he wrote for G&G. So is the warden playing G&G too? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
The gang is able to patch Archie up rather quickly despite the fact that he was stabbed with an object that was probs carved out of a tooth brush. K. Also, we finally get a good look at the warden’s brand and why does it look like the tattoo my sorority sister regretting getting on her junior year spring break? Like, is that the Chinese symbol for “live, laugh, love”?
Jughead thinks it’s a symbol from G&G and honestly this is not a good luck for him. He’s acting INSANE. Sort of like me after after I’ve sifted through Making A Murderer conspiracy theories for 6+ hours.
The episode ends with the warden chugging cyanide (casual) and Jughead taking more mushrooms (I assume) and seeing the Gargoyle King. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Jughead is actually going insane or if Riverdale is adding “Tree Monster” to their cast list. Byeeeee.
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (2)
It’s Wednesday, which means I’m back on my bullsh*t, but luckily so are the writers of Riverdale. That’s right, people, after a brief hiatus Riverdale is BACK and better than ever still ripping off content from classic movies. Last episode it was The Shawshank Redemption and this week it looks like it’s going to be The Breakfast Club. What a treat we are in for, people! On that note, shall we just dive right in?
If you’ll recall, when last we left off, FP and Alice burned the “only copy” of G&G left on this earth. Lol. I believe that about as much as I believe that Betty isn’t into light choking. Of course, literally the next day every kid in school has a copy.
I guess this week the adults in Riverdale are actually going to do their goddamn jobs because they start confiscating G&G manuals from kids left and right. Also, I love that this is where the adults decide to draw the line. High schoolers banging their cousins? Fine. Letting the cheer squad preform soft core porn in front of inmates? Also fine. But god forbid the kids get a little crazy and decide to unwind with a board game. GOD FORBID.
Cut to Betty, who is pissed that no one will tell her wtf is going on with this G&G game. Like, why is this girl always trying to get in the middle of a murder investigation? Seriously, she can only use “solved my classmate’s murder” so many times on her college apps.
I’m sorry, but did that coroner just honest to god dial Betty’s extension at THE HIGH SCHOOL to give her classified details about confidential case files? Did he?! Does anyone in this godforsaken town realize that she’s not actually a journalist, just a very nosy high school junior? Her investigative credentials are about as legit as mine are after watching 12 hours of Law & Order: SVU. Child please.
Betty finds out that someone died in a very G&G kind of way back when her mom was in high school so she confronts her about it. Betty’s like “If you don’t tell me what’s going on I’m just going to keep digging!” Lol. I love that when she threatens her mother it’s over covering up murders, but when I do it it’s over tagging me in posts on Facebook. To each their own, I guess.
Cut to Riverdale circa 1990-something where crazily enough, all the parents look exactly like their children! The genetics in this town are insane. And it’s definitely not at all suspicious that the parents who don’t have a child to be their double are conveniently left out of this flashback story. Not at all.
OKAY WHAT. Did they just confirm the the prom baby is FP’s?? Just like that? Are you f*cking kidding me? I hate that they just keep dropping these bombs on us without any nude scenes cinematic evidence of it happening. I’ve only been aggressively asking to see FP shirtless for three seasons now, but it’s chill.
Young FP, Fred Andrews, Mayor McCoy, Penelope, Hermione, and Alice all end up in detention together, where I’m sure they’ll have to write a letter about who they think they are but end up finding themselves in the process.
ALICE: We were six strangers who were forced to spend a Saturday together. But what we didn’t know is that our lives would be changed forever.
ALSO ALICE:
I love how forward thinking and innovative these show writers are. Seriously, what a unique plot line!!
Lol Alice describing FP as a “stud muffin” to her daughter. She’s like “the sex was hot he was different back then, ya know?” Oh, I think she knows, Alice. The girl likes to put on a black wig and boil her potential suitors in a hot tub. She’s picking up what you’re putting down.
Annnddd we’re flashing back again. They parents are playing some sort of “sins & secrets” game where they’re being wayyyy too honest about their lives to complete strangers. Like, the only way I’d be this honest with a stranger is after a bottle and a half of wine.
It’s becoming clear that the parents are just as f*cked up and ridiculous as their children. The apple doesn’t fall far, I guess. Here’s what we learn from this game of Sins & Secrets:
- Mayor McCoy and Sheriff Keller have been getting it since high school! Which reminds me, why tf haven’t we seen Sheriff Keller’s abs since season one? We have to sit through Archie being shirtless 40 minutes of every episode but The CW can’t throw us one shirtless DILF scene?
#NeverForget
- Fred Andrews is also a wannabe musician/athlete! It’s almost like he’s exactly Archie but with brown hair. Crazy.
- FP doesn’t want to turn into his dad: a deadbeat drunk and member of The Serpents. Okay, now that one is just sad.
Okay, WHAT. Penelope’s secret is literally batsh*t. I didn’t catch this at first, but apparently she’s always been a Blossom and not just by marriage.
PENELOPE: And then the Blossoms rounded up all the redheads in the orphanage and brought me home to be Clifford’s sister and also his future wife.
ME:
ALSO ME:
Hermione’s like “that’s disgusting, that’s basically incest!” and it’s like, girl, do not even get me started. Adoptive siblings banging each other is the least incest-y thing I’ve seen on this show to date.
So the kids find a G&G manual. I was wondering when Alice was going to stop talking about all the sex her and FP had back in the day and actually get to the point of this episode. I was worried they were going to blatantly plagiarize The Breakfast Club for no reason.
Alice keeps talking about how dangerous and addictive this game can be but it just looks really, really nerdy. I don’t understand how posing as witches and elves and princesses and knights leads to murder/suicide. It feels like a stretch, even by CW standards.
Penelope decides to bring the game to live action and is this the part when everyone starts drinking poison? WHERE. IS. THE. DANGER. She splits the group up into pairs: FP and Hermione, and Alice and Fred.
YOUNG MAYOR MCCOY: Why would you do that?
PENELOPE: I’m in the mood for chaos.
Yasssss queen. I’m loving that Penelope likes to ruin lives as much as her daughter does.
Okay, did Alice hook up with literally everyone in Riverdale? Young PREGNANT Alice starts making out with young Fred and Betty’s like “mom seriously?” Yes, ALICE, seriously??
Side note: I love that she can’t stop talking about the glory days. Like half this episode is Alice talking about all the sex she used to have.
Okay, young FP/Jughead/Cole Sprouse looks fiiiiiine in this episode. He’s running around with the gang with a plastic sword and wearing a fake fur vest and honey I am here for it.
Here. for. it.
Apparently they aren’t the only out of control teens dressing up in cosplay and larping on the weekend–the rest of the popular kids are too! Seriously, CW? This is a hard pill to swallow. Like, harder than levitating babies and Riverdale’s understanding of the justice system. I do not for one f*cking second believe that high school jocks would willingly dress up in medieval garb unless a gun was pointed at their head. Please.
They team up to form a super nerd group and throw an ascension party to celebrate being deep AF into their nerdom. Jesus this episode took such a weird turn. Young Hiram shows up to the party and offers everyone illegal drugs. Typical Hiram. Glad to see he never changes.
Alice is like “and this is the part where everyone went insane” but it’s literally just a bunch of high schoolers playing musical instruments after curfew. Again, when does all the murder start happening??
Since Alice is pregnant she doesn’t take the drugs, but she does keep wearing those crop tops. A bold choice. She goes to throw up while everyone is getting lit and sees some v disturbing writing on the wall telling her to play flip cup with some chalices. I paraphrase. My favorite is that she legit thinks about it. WHILE SHE’S PREGNANT. Alice, you are wild girlfriend.
Alice is like “I’m too pregnant for this sh*t” and Irish exits right as the principal is rolling up on the scene. The next morning she goes looking for all her friends to see if the principal busted their asses.
Okay, weird. Hermione says she never ran into the principal but Fred’s dad died that night. It’s not really where I saw this episode going, but okay.
OH SH*T. They find the principal weeks later and he’s dead under the steps with blue lips. Same as Dilton Doily. I find the principal’s death less shocking than the fact that Alice is STILL fitting into those crops tops. Seriously, how far along is she? She has to be at least a few months, no? My weight fluctuates more between a Friday at 5PM and a Friday at 2AM, but okay.
I guess the group falls apart after the whole murdered principal thing because they all go their separate ways. Fred sells his guitar and all his dreams of becoming the next town troubadour. Hermione gets with Hiram and starts wearing a lot of black silk. Mayor McCoy and Sheriff Keller break up. FP learns to love beer. Alice is still wearing crops tops but, like, preppy ones now. And Penelope decides to sleep with her brother. Yeah, I’m pretty sure G&G didn’t f*ck you up, kids. Your own life choices did…
Cut to the present and Betty is like “I have questions tho.” One of those questions better be about what FP was like in the bedroom, Betty….
Okay, so now Betty wants to investigate Principal Featherhead’s death and Dilton and Benjamin Button’s suicides. Does this b*tch not have homework to do or something??
ALICE: Please promise me you won’t investigate this.
SHE IS NOT A REAL DETECTIVE, ALICE. My god. Ground her ass! You have all the power here, woman.
Betty goes off to find Jughead and tell him about their parents’ Breakfast Club Midnight Club. She finds him in Dilton’s bunker playing G&G with some people and looking INSANE. Like, is he playing a nerdy board game or did he just snort a line of coke? ‘Cause I’m not buying that that behavior is from a game.
And on that note, I’m outtie, Betches! I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Jughead is forming a new drug problem or if he’s just getting into cosplay. Only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (4); @writerras /Instagram (1); @riverdaleisadrug /Instagram (1); The CW (2)
This week I’m just going to jump right into the Riverdale recap, because there’s only so many jokes I can make about the writers of this godforsaken show (but let’s just say they continue to test my f*cking sanity with every new plot device they introduce). Shall we begin?
The episode opens with the warden checking in on Archie, who is apparently in the hole. For those of you who never watched Orange Is The New Black aren’t familiar with prison jargon, that means he’s in solitary confinement, which I didn’t realize juvenile detention centers even had. They keep making Archie out to be some kind of Andy Dufresne, even though he literally asked to be in prison.
I guess Archie refused to be the warden’s new cage fighter and that’s how he ended up in the cell with no food, water, or sunlight. Like, this can’t be f*cking legal. This is a JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER, not a maximum security prison! Archie is a straight, white, relatively attractive male. If anyone should be eluding the justice system, it’s him! I’m not buying it, CW. Nope.
WHAT. FP AND ALICE ARE IN BED TOGETHER AND WHAT AM I LOOKING AT OMG. Goddamnit, CW, is this real or nah? And if this is real how DARE you deny us the lead up to this post-sex lounging taking place on our screens. You’re just gonna tease these two banging for TWO SEASONS and you’re not even gonna to let us watch it happen? THAT’S IT, I’m done you have my full attention.
Elsewhere, their children also just got done having sex! What a coincidence that isn’t all tainted by incest now.
BETTY: Do you think it’s kind of ghoulish that we banged in Dilton’s bunker?
ALSO BETTY:
Lol. Betty please stop acting like screwing in your dead friend’s bed doesn’t turn you on. Come on.
They think this whole Gryphons and Gargoyles thing is some sort of cult and it’s the smartest thing they’ve said all season. I’m not sure what gave it away. The unhinged following, the strange altar they worship at, or the all the murder/suicide to even get into the club. I guess that’s just good detective work, kids!
Betty goes so far as to say that perhaps the farm is also part of the cult. Again, any “farm” that takes in a runaway teen mom and her infant children who were conceived out of incest with open arms is most definitely a cult.
Betty’s like, “I don’t trust the Evernevers” and it’s like, well I don’t trust that people would willingly subscribe to a cult headed by a man named Evernever. It looks like we all have a lot of trust issues here.
Meanwhile, Veronica contemplates opening her secret speakeasy without Archie. A. Secret. Speakeasy. You and every hipster in the greater NYC area, V! Tbh I don’t know what’s more unbelievable here. That a 17-year-old is opening up her own night club or that she wants to wait until her boyfriend gets out of prison to do it.
Okay, wait. Did I just hear Veronica right? It’s a speakeasy that will only sell mocktails?
That is the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard on this show, and they’ve tried to make incest an acceptable thing, like, multiple times.
Speaking of Veronica’s bf, Archie gets dragged out of his cell in the middle of the night to go watch one of the cage fights. The warden has Joaquin fighting in Archie’s place, and IDK why this is eating Archie up so much. Joaquin literally wanted him to SHIV someone, like, two episodes ago. Prison changed him. He can def handle himself in a cage fight. Archie’s like “don’t make me watch anymore, I’ll fight for you!” Further proving that Archie will literally fall for every trick in the book.
ARCHIE: *breathes*
ME: YOU’RE A BOOB
Someone plants children’s birthday party favors Jingle Jangle in Veronica’s speakeasy and she is PISSED. She wants her bar to be completely dry and why is everyone hell-bent on ruining her good time?? Of course this happens right as the sheriff shows up to do an inspection. Reggie’s like, “do you think your dad is behind this” and it’s like NO SH*T he’s behind it, buddy. I already don’t like how much time they’re spending together. I have a feeling Reggie is about to be the Asian replacement Archie while the real one is in Shawshank doing time.
She goes looking for Jughead to see if he’ll help her blackmail her dad so she doesn’t have to pay off his hired thugs, but finds Cheryl instead. Cheryl literally set her childhood home on fire out of spite, so I feel like blackmail is child’s play to her.
Okay WHAT. These girls throw on their best black spanx and f*cking break into The Ghoulies’ meth lab. Excuse me, Jingle Jangle lab. They make it seem like breaking into a drug den is easier than sneaking out after curfew. Just because you own a black cat suit and know how to use a back door does not mean you’re super stealthy! It just means this show is trash you’re lucky AF.
Lol. Betty comes home and finds a bunch a farmies in her living room. She has to confess all her sins if she wants to meet Edgar Neverever. They’re like “it’s cool, Betty, we know all about the dark connection you have with your serial killer father and also the web cams!”
BETTY: I’m feeling so personally attacked rn
Okay, I seriously can’t believe Alice aired all their dirty laundry out like that! She told them about every illegal thing that family has ever done and, like, that list is long. Also, can you imagine what this cult probably thinks of them?
THE FARM: We’re going to need some sort of collateral from you if you want to join our cult family. You know, something secret or seriously damaging?
ALICE: Well we murdered someone accidentally and got rid of the body… does that count?
THE FARM:
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was an overshare, Alice. I’m thinking they wanted something more like nudes, but okay.
Okay, this G&G game is sooooo creepy. Jughead shows up to Ethel’s lair and she’s got candles burning, she’s wearing a headdress and demanding kisses from the players. Something tells me that last one was a rule she made up, but OKAY ETHEL.
She’s like “if you want to play the game then you need to drink out of one of these two chalices and one of them might be poisoned. Good luck!” AND JUGHEAD DOES IT. So, let me get this straight, kids. You frown upon underage drinking but playing Russian Roulette with your lives is chill?? Jughead drinks from the right cup and doesn’t die. Small mercies. But then Ethel starts downing the other one even though she knows it’s poison! That b*tch is crazy.
Cut to Veronica’s opening night and I’m impressed. It looks poppin’ AND there’s even a valet, which feels extra because I can’t imagine Pop’s parking lot is that big, but okay.
Okay, every time I think this bar looks really cool and all I remember that everyone there is sober. Hiram shows up and the vibe gets even creepier. There’s just a bunch of sober, scantily-clad 17-year-olds… and Hiram. Gross.
Veronica’s like “see, daddy? This is how you run a legitimate business.” Yes, Veronica, I’m sure your daddy is very impressed that you found enough friends to come to your open mic night. Like, all you’ve proven here is that you’re popular. Very popular.
Okay, so is Josie the only talent for the entire evening? Minus the weird shadow dancers in the background? Sooo it’s, like, a school dance? Except no one’s even allowed to spike the punch? Seriously, HOW is Veronica making any money off this?
While Veronica parties it up, Archie is getting the sh*t kicked out of him in prison. I’m sure he’ll write a song about this moment later. He wins the fight and the warden gives him a bottle of rum for his troubles, which is v thoughtful of him. If there’s anything I know about high school juniors it’s how much they love their alcohol to taste like suntan lotion.
Archie starts trashing the sh*t out of his room and finds Mad Dog’s old bible? Nudie mag? It’s unclear. But he finds a cut-out for a rock hammer in it, which is a plot device straight out of The Shawshank Redemption. So, what? Now he’s going to escape prison with nothing but a rock hammer? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE.
^^A sneak peek of plagiarism Archie in next week’s episode!
Jughead and Betty get back from the dance and walk in on FP and Alice acting sketchy as hell. Betty’s like “mom what are you doing here?” and Alice is like “certainly not boning your boyfriend’s dad! What are YOU doing here?” Lol nice cover, Alice.
They found the G&G manual during their foreplay investigation and they’re pissed. FP and Alice burn the only copy of the manual and if I know anything about Riverdale, it’s that there’s no way in hell that’s the only copy. Don’t look so upset, Jughead! There’s a murder committed in your town every other day—I’m sure there will be something to investigate tomorrow!
Cut to the next day, and sure enough, the G&G manual is everywhere. Every kid in school found one in their locker and Jughead looks genuinely terrified. He’s acting like it’s Tom Riddle’s diary and not some underground version of D&D.
Ooooh so Ethel is behind the G&G distribution. I thought she was on suicide watch, though? How did she get out of the hospital unnoticed? Maybe she borrowed a catsuit from Veronica and used the back door??
Next week it looks like the Riverdale writers are using The Breakfast Club as inspiration for a flashback episode featuring all the parents in their high school heyday. And by “inspiration” I mean probably using word for word dialogue from the movie. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (6); The CW (2)
Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! Well, not so much thrilling as utterly ridiculous and not within the scope of reality, but you get the gist. Last week we realized just how broken the Riverdale justice system is, and lowkey how broken the Riverdale writers’ understanding of the legal system is. When last we left off, Archie was headed to juvie wearing his Sunday best, Jughead discovered a dead Dilton Doiley (yes that is a real name) all carved up in front of a weird altar, and Betty saw her infant niece and nephew FLY INTO THE AIR. So, just another Wednesday in Riverdale I guess. Shall we get started?
The episode begins with Archie’s first day of prison, which looks suspiciously like a wet t-shirt contest. I’m finding it hard to believe that these guards would power hose JUVENILES like they’re rabid dogs, but okay. This isn’t Shawshank, it’s Riverdale!
^^An episode of Riverdale or soft core porn? You decide.
We also learn that Betty is alive and well. She only had a casual “stress seizure,” which caused her to pass out and is supposed to explain why she thought Polly’s babies could fly. So I guess they’ll just be normal, run-of-the-mill incest babies with webbed feet, but no flying. Good. Also, can someone with an actual medical degree please confirm that a person can actually have a seizure from being “too stressed?” Because if that’s the case then I’m genuinely concerned for my health.
Betty’s like “I’m fine but what about Juniper and Dagwood??” JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD. I know Polly is supposed to be a farm person now but MY GOD those names are f*cking terrible.
Back in the jailhouse, Archie meets his cellmate for the first time and his name is Mad Dog. Jesus Christ. Is no one called, like, Jimmy anymore? No more Will? What about Dan? COME ON CW, YOU’RE KILLING ME.
Lol I love that Archie just flashed his Serpent tat in the yard as if it means sh*t. He’s like “FP Jones and Jughead said I could hang out with you guys? Did you see my tat?” First of all, Archie, your “tat” looks like it was spray painted on at the country fair. I’m surprised that overly aggressive hosing down earlier didn’t wipe it clean off your body.
Elsewhere, it’s date night for Betty and Jughead and they’re getting frisky in the morgue. I wish I was joking. Also, why is this coroner letting two high school kids take pictures of a dead body? Like, what are they using those pictures for? The school newspaper? Foreplay? Both??
Archie is hanging out in the prison music room, because YES THIS PRISON HAS A MUSIC ROOM and, yes, The CW is still trying to make Archie The Tortured Artist happen. He shouldn’t be hanging out there all alone though, because one, he looks like a dipsh*t, and two, he doesn’t have the Serpents’ protection anymore. Shockingly, the Serpents don’t think his tattoo is legit, and want him to shiv–SHIV!–a rival gang member. Archie refuses and I guess is now writing a song about it in the music room.
The Ghoulies find him there and they’re pissed because Archie snitched on them for street racing and now they’re stuck in juvie presumably for life. For street racing. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Riverdale is a broken city. They’re like “nice shoes, we want your shoes” but, like, are “shoes” a metaphor for something here? Like Archie’s ass? ‘Cause that’s where it feels like this conversation is going…
Cut to Archie meeting Veronica during visitation hours and he is not looking great.
VERONICA: Why are you sitting that way?
LOL. Veronica, please be chill. Your boyfriend probably just had a “shoe” shoved up his ass.
Betty runs into the daughter of the cult leader of Polly’s farm. She says her dad is Edgar Neverever and I honestly can’t believe that is a name The CW is actually trying to pass off as real. Like, is this the best the Riverdale writers can come up with?? When Betty said that name last episode I genuinely thought she was just speaking jibberish to make a point.
Cut to Pop’s, where Veronica wants to start shit with Cheryl because she stole Archie’s school presidency. Honestly, V, he may or may not have had a gang member shove his shoe (or something else idk) up his ass. He has bigger things to deal with other than whether or not he needs another extracurricular activity for his college application.
VERONICA: I’m not serving you. I refuse.
CHERYL: You can’t just refuse to serve someone for being better looking than you.
F*cking SLAY, Cheryl!!! I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, Cheryl Blossom is a godd*mn national treasure. Bless you.
Lol Riverdale dragging the Innocence Project into their damn trash show. I’m sure that once they’re done working tirelessly to get Steven Avery out of prison they’ll be VERY thankful to The CW for the free publicity.
Veronica keeps talking about how she’s just going to “open a chapter” of the Innocence Project in Riverdale. She’s making it sound like it’s some sort of demented sorority. Will there also be a t-shirt and a social chair at this chapter? Hmm?
VERONICA: *makes vague statement about single-handedly leading a nationally recognized institution in Riverdale* *compares it to putting on a sorority philanthropy event*
ALSO VERONICA:
Veronica buys Archie another pair of sneakers and YOU GUYS the sheer look of panic on his face rn is making my whole damn week. You know he’s like like f*ckkkk where can I hide these sneakers so I don’t get it up the butt again? Good luck, kid!
Archie goes out into the prison yard to show off his new sneakers and beg everyone to play football with him. I paraphrase. He’s like “why do we have to shiv each other all the time? Why can’t we just all get along like we used to?”
ALSO ARCHIE:
Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are off traipsing in the woods again looking for more murder. And HOLY F*CK what is that beast they just ran into in the woods? Are they both abusing Adderall? Is this another stress seizure? What am I looking at rn???
Archie and Mad Dog have a heart-to-heart and we learn that Mad Dog is serving a sh*t ton of time. Like, 20 plus years. I would LOVE to know what he did to deserve 20 years when Archie murdered someone and only got two plus a football game with his pals. RIVERDALE IS BROKEN.
Sooo Dilton did commit suicide? Betty and Jughead think he was playing some sort of demented game and accidentally drank rat poison in the process. What ever happened to truth or dare, kids??
OKAY WHAT. CHEERLEADERS IN PRISON. Am I having a stress seizure? F*cking Dagwood and Parsnip floating in the air is more believable than what I’m watching on my screen rn. Veronica riles up all the River Vixens and has them put on a show for all the prison boys playing in the football game. I’m using the term “show” loosely here because it felt less like an organized performance and more like a soft core porn, the sing-along edition.
Also, should the leader of Riverdale’s Innocence Project be behaving this way? I guess shaking your *ss at prisoners is an innocence project in its own way??
Hiram shows up mid-dance sequence and tells Veronica that he doesn’t want her to grind on other girls in front of prisoners during her spare time. Which, like, fair.
HIRAM: My seventeen-year-old daughter shouldn’t be behaving like this in front of inmates!
VERONICA:
Yes, that’s real mature, sweetie. PLEASE say someone is recording all of this for the Innocence Project.
Veronica basically tells her father LIKE HELL will she leave a musical number before the performance is over. The show must go on, I guess. We all have to stand for something. So Hiram sends in the f*cking riot police to break up the football game. AT A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER? Like, why aren’t any of these cheerleaders whipping out their phones and recording this? This juvenile hall would be shut down like that. Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
After her little stunt at the prison, Veronica gets blacklisted from visiting. She gets a fake ID and steals one of Betty’s wigs so she can become “Monica Posh” and visit Archie. When I was in high school I used my fake ID to buy wine coolers and get drunk in my parent’s basement, but okay.
Ooooh this should be interesting. Hermione calls all the parents together for what looks like a v secret meeting. Apparently they also played the creepy game Dilton and Ethel played?? And they’ve been keeping it a secret since high school? I’m just so… confused.
The last five minutes of this show are legit bonkers because Dilton’s friend, Benjamin Button, who survived the sacrifice at the altar, commits suicide in the hospital. I’m sure he will return as an old man aging backward.
And on that note, I’m out betches! In addition to ripping off The Shawshank Redemption, I’m sure The CW will come up with new and exciting ways to rip off Fight Club next episode now that Archie is the warden’s new Mad Dog. Should be lit!
Images: Giphy (6); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)
Brace yourselves, betches, because Riverdale is BACK and so is my will to live. I’ll be your resident recapper this season, so expect to hear a lot of expletives whenever Archie breathes, and an unnecessary/embarrassing amount of fangirling whenever Jughead is on onscreen. You can thank me in the comments later. Now, when last we left off, the Black Hood was revealed as Hal Cooper, as if Betty needed one more reason to act out on her daddy issues. I can’t wait to see how this new development plays out in her and Jughead’s sex life. Hermione is the new mayor of Riverdale and Jughead inherited AN ENTIRE GANG from his father. I’m sure that will go over well on his college applications. Oh, and Archie got arrested for that murder he witnessed when he still wanted to be one of Hiram’s henchmen. I mean, I’ve been asking The CW to kill and/or seriously injure this character since Archie made that semi-homoerotic Red Circle video last season, but I guess this scenario will do. So, shall we dive right in on the Riverdale season 3 premiere recap? We shall.
I guess we’re starting this season off during summer vacation. Veronica is slaving away at Pop’s, which is weird because I thought she owned it?? Like, why is she asking people “if they want fries with that” when she’s the owner?
Meanwhile, Archie spent his summer vacation on trial for murder, while Betty interned for his legal team wearing daisy dukes. So, just like how I spent my summer vacays. Side note: please keep in mind that I’m using the term “legal team” loosely here as Archie’s defense consists of his mother and the former mayor of Riverdale. Sounds promising. I’m telling you right now, Archie, that whole “my mommy defended me” thing will not go over well in the prison yard!
The court recesses and somehow I doubt Archie is allowed to just walk around freely in the courthouse when on trial for first degree murder. There would at least be handcuffs involved. God, the Riverdale justice system is so broken.
Okay, WHAT? The judge is just going to send the jurors home for the weekend so Archie can get wasted with his friends one last time? Never mind that the jury members—who are not on trial for murder!!—might also want to have a nice Labor Day weekend with their friends and family. What sort of white nonsense is this?
JUDGE: I dismissed the jury early because I want Archie to have one last Labor Day weekend with his friends. Take it seriously. Get lit, kids!
ME: This must be that scary time for young men our President keeps referring to…
Cut to Pop’s Diner, where everyone is moping around because even though there’s no witnesses to the crime, no murder weapon, and no motive, Archie is probs going to jail. Evil Hiram did such an amazing job framing him for murder without using one single shred of evidence. YES, THIS IS PLAUSIBLE. Seriously, where is Olivia Benson when you need her?
Cheryl shows up while everyone is moping and describes the most terrible summer vacation I have ever heard. She’s like “we rode cross country on our bikes and it was amazing!” I’ll have to take your word on that one, Cheryl. She invites them all to the back to school pool party she’s throwing because she is really taking that judge’s advice to heart and wants Archie to get sh*t-faced one last time. A true friend!
Okay, what is this Hooverville tent city the Serpents are calling home? Seriously, how is this even legal? I know they lost their favorite bar over the summer, but don’t these people still have houses to go home to?? Were they all just squatting in that bar before? I’m so confused.
And standing in the center of the tent city is Archie, whose desperation to up his street cred is so palpable that FP gives him a pity serpent tattoo. As if that’s going to keep him from being some guy’s b*tch when he’s on the inside.
Cut to Cheryl’s pool party and it is…extra. Everyone is decked out in Target’s latest swimwear line and having good, sober fun in the sun. Cheryl also pulled out a velvet chaise lounge for her and “TT” to sit on as they watch their friends dive for glow sticks in the deep end. My end of summer parties went a little bit differently, but okay.
Veronica is pissed Archie’s attorneys won’t put her on the stand so she can tell everyone that her dad framed Archie. I don’t know why blaming the whole thing on “daddy” didn’t sound credible enough for them? Josie knows where the jury is being held for the weekend and she thinks she can “sneak” Veronica in. Like, she’s late for curfew or something and needs to get back into her house unnoticed. Also, girls, THIS IS JURY TAMPERING. I know Riverdale is a godless city, but MY GOD, you can certainly still get arrested for that!
Naturally, Veronica is immediately apprehended because the jurors are being guarded by Hiram’s thugs. His power is so far-reaching! Honestly, he did you a favor, honey. I know you want to save your boyfriend from prison so you can have a date to homecoming or whatever, but this is not the way to go about it.
Elsewhere, Jughead tries to steal Hot Dog, the Serpents’ mascot (don’t ask me why it’s not just a serpent), back from the Ghoulies. I know this is supposed to be a v dramatic scene or whatever but I f*cking can’t with these Ghoulies who came to a fight looking like Peter Pan’s lost boys (or a very good impression of Mod Sun).
Ghoulie or Mod Sun? Seriously, I can’t tell the difference.
I guess the Ghoulies are the reason all the Serpents are squatting in an abandoned corn field somewhere, because they took over all of the Serpents’ homes? Again, I feel like this isn’t legal, but fine. Let’s suspend reality once more, CW.
Okay, I haven’t addressed this yet because I’ve been too preoccupied by the SHAM that is Archie’s murder trial, but Polly is back for good and apparently has converted Alice into a farm freak. (Sidenote: I could make a drinking game out of all the times Polly has said “the farm” this episode and/or has worn something beaded to emphasize her new, earthy nature, but I only have about three functioning liver cells left, so I won’t.)
Alice thinks Betty hasn’t fully processed that her dad is a serial killer and, like, I was with her until she started acting like journaling was a gateway drug to addiction and prostitution.
ALICE: First you started journaling, now you’re writing your own prescriptions for Adderall? Betty, this is a slippery slope!
Also, I love that Alice is fine with Betty taking off all her clothes and seductively dancing on a pole at a public bar, but Adderall and journaling is where she draws the line.
BETTY:
ALICE: You’re doing amazing, sweetie!
Archie saves Betty from answering by showing up in the old timey car he’s been fixing in between cross examinations. The crew takes off for Archie’s (maybe) last night of freedom and practically have an orgy in the lake. I paraphrase. I guess they took the term “sending him out with a bang” literally.
Betty is still realllly taking the argument with her mother to heart. She’s like “maybe I do have an Adderall addiction??” and it’s like, b*tch, so do I. What’s your point? As per usual, Jughead has to calm her crazy ass down and OMG HE JUST PUT HIS HAT ON BETTY’S HEAD AND I AM NOT OKAY.
Archie and Veronica get one last bang in by the fireplace before he goes to prison. So sweet. Veronica is already planning her future as a prison wife, and she makes it sound so bright. Don’t get me wrong, I like my men as emotionally unavailable as the next girl, but a prison boyfriend? Come on. Though something tells me Veronica would be really into conjugal visits.
Holy sh*t. The jury comes back deadlocked, which means Archie is kind of off the hook unless the prosecution wants to press charges again. My extensive knowledge of the legal system Law & Order: SVU tells me this. Literally two seconds after the jury reads their verdict, Archie declares he’s guilty and would like to take a plea deal.
JUDGE: Let me get this straight, you’re going to ignore the advice of your mommy counsel and take a deal that would put you in prison when you don’t have to be there?
ARCHIE: Hell yeah I am!
JUDGE:
MY GOD, ARCHIE. The jury was deadlocked! You were practically free! You know what? Your dumbass deserves prison.
I love that Fred just keeps screaming at him “we’ll get you out, don’t worry!” Like, no, you will not get him out. He said he was guilty and took a plea deal. CASE CLOSED. Also, I guess only in Riverdale and in America if you’re white can you MURDER someone and only get two years in kiddie prison. Good to know.
Archie heads off to juvie and I just don’t think his first impression with the other inmates should be in a bowtie. I only have one word of advice for you, Archie: don’t drop the soap.
Meanwhile, Jughead goes to track down Dilton. All episode, Dilton has been talking in symbols, and I mean that literally. I have no f*cking clue what he’s been saying for the last hour. Jughead does though, because he sees the symbols and knows where to track him down.
He finds Dilton and one of his friends passed out worshipping at some kind of altar. So chill. Like, seriously, can these kids ever have any normal extracurricular activities? My god.
Elsewhere, Betty wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Polly and her mother using the incest babies in some sort of satanic ritual. Like, WHAT am I watching on my screen right now?
The episode ends with Betty passing out after she sees the twins levitate above the fire. She’s either sleep deprived from all the Adderall, or the journaling is starting to play tricks with her mind. Either way, we’ll have to find out next week if, in addition to webbed feet, Polly’s babies can also fly. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (2); The CW (3); @kjapa /Instagram (1); @addictedtobughead /Instagram (1)
Hello, fellow twentysomethings who like to watch teens make out on screen! We’ve made it to the Riverdale finale, and I am hopped up on Jingle Jangle and ready to go! I know I’m not your regular recapper, but I’ll try my best to do It’s Britney, Betch proud—and if I don’t, please rest assured that I will hear about it if she ever answers my texts.
When I first found out I would be taking over the Riverdale finale recap this week, I started making notes in my journal of the things I wanted to keep track of. I have my fingers crossed for a season high count of the phrase “Make my bones.” Archie, don’t let me down, you adorable idiot! Shall we get started?
The Riverdale finale opens with Betty, Archie, and Veronica at Jughead’s grave. The girls are in chic black, Archie is, of course, in his very appropriate letterman jacket. His friend may be dead, but did you know he is on varsity wrestling, god dammit? Betty is sobbing and asking Jughead to come back to her—this is definitely not real, right?
Psych! That was all in Jughead’s dream. Riverdale’s got jokes, y’all. Jughead wakes up in the hospital alive, but wishing that the name Forsythe Pendleton Jones, Jr. was a dream. The OG FP is in his room and drops some bombs. Fangs is alive! The Serpents are over! The trailer park burned down! How long was Jughead knocked out for? FP really buried the lede, though, because oh YEAH Betty’s dad is the Black Hood! Guys, if we collect all the Black Hoods by the end of this episode, do we get a prize?
Betty and her tight ponytail come to visit Jughead and his rearranged face at the hospital. He comforts her about her dad being the Black Hood and then immediately follows with “So I guess we won’t be running for student council anymore, huh?” I guess it was too much to expect a boy named Jughead to be sensitive for too long.
Cut to Veronica at Fred’s house, where she is literally planning the rest of his campaign. Freddie, if you’ve resorted to trusting your teenage son’s first sexual partner with your Mayoral campaign, I think it might already be too late for you. Veronica announces she isn’t running for student council president either. BUT THEN WHO WILL RUN THIS SCHOOL INTO THE GROUND? Oh, we still have Archie. Blessings.
OMG Cheryl just discovered a secret barn meeting! Mr. Kelly Ripa is having a covert discussion with Penelope and Claudius. Obviously they’re up to something, and for once it isn’t Mrs. Blossom banging her friend’s dad.
Archie goes to the police station to identify the Black Hood. They show him that it’s Hal Cooper in there, and ask him to identify the man. Archie says it is Hal Cooper. They put a black hood on him. Archie says it’s the Black Hood. IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING A PROBLEM WITH THIS IDENTIFICATION PROCESS? Archie also tries to tell the Sheriff there is another Black Hood out there.
Archie: But there’s someone else out there murderin—
Sheriff Minetta:
Betty goes to Archie’s house to apologize to Fred. She says she is supposed to be a great detective and really let everyone down. Huh? I must have missed the episode where she got sworn in. I hope she wasn’t thinking she was going to get the cruiser, though. Kevin’s dad will let her have it when she pries it out of his cold dead hands.
Kevin happens upon Moose crying in the bathroom. Moose is sad because Midge’s stuffed animals in her locker are gone because of the rioting. Stuffed animals? Honestly how did Midge not get the shit beat out of her at school before this whole murder thing? Yeah, I did just say that about a dead girl. Get over it. Moose and Kevin have a hot makeout sesh in the men’s room. Not totally sanitary, but I guess better than those murder forest escapades.
Cheryl warns Veronica that her dad is in cahoots with Penelope and Claudius.
Veronica confronts her dad, Mr. Kelly Ripa. He says he just wants to get into the maple syrup trade. God, Hiram! Don’t you know “Maple Syrup” is code for drugs??!
FP got fired from Pop’s and is lying around his trailer of impenetrable plastic that could not be burned down, looking drunk and broodingly handsome. He tells Jug they are moving to Toledo. FP, I speak for everyone when I say we would all literally rather get beaten to death by ghoulies than move to Toledo.
Sheriff Minetta calls Archie back and says he made it his mission to find the second Black Hood. Oh really? Because your eyes glazed over more than my boyfriend’s when I just want to talk about my commute in excruciating detail, but okay. He says the second Black Hood was Tall Boy and they killed him in a fire fight. Well, that was an anticlimactic reveal. They really know how to deliver in a finale, huh?! All the action off screen! That’s the way to do it.
Polly is visiting her family with her babies, Poison Oak and Acorn. Polly thinks they need to visit Hal and forgive him for murdering their friends, wreaking havoc on their town, and never revealing that they were actually related to the Blossoms until his daughter was pregnant with their inbred spawn.
Alice: Yes maybe let’s see Hal so I can give him a piece of my mind
Inner Alice:
Hermione tells Veronica that Mr. Kelly Ripa is responsible for the school shooting and that he just needs control of The White Wyrm and he’ll be able to complete his plan.
Mrs. Blossom is incredibly offended when she finds out the daughter she sent to a mental institution for being gay doesn’t want her to be her guardian anymore, but she does warn Cheryl about the raid on The White Worm.
The Serpents abandon worm and head over the Fred’s for some bacon and pancakes. Then those crazy teens head over to the school in Serpent jackets as a show of support for the Southsiders, who are getting transferred to another school. Oh look, someone managed to surgically remove Archie’s varsity jacket! It was a long and difficult procedure, but in the end, the doctors deemed it a success. It will be published in many medical journals. Archie now wears a serpent jacket and is looking *almost* as fine as FP.
Veronica hatches a plan to stop her dad from getting the White Wyrm. She buys the bar out from under him, but is willing to trade if Mr. Ripa will give her Pop’s. He trades her, but in the meantime she gives up all her inheritance, her stake in Lodge Industries, and her dignity. All so her friends can drink milkshakes! This is why teenagers should not be allowed to do business. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet.
Betty and Jughead are hanging out with Polly’s twins, and Betty is wondering if evil can be passed on. Frankly, I think these twins might have a little more to worry about including webbed toes, genetic diseases, and possibly a clubfoot. Jug says she isn’t evil. Honestly, Betty, your obsession with this darkness is starting to obsess me. A black wig and some kinky lingerie does not a murderer make.
Bless our bored souls, we have finally reached voting day! Archie wins. How shocking and surprising that the handsome idiot beat out the overweight girl! Rest assured the status quo is restored. The Southside students also get to stay. Cool. Name a more pointless plot line, I’ll wait.
Betty goes to visit Hal at the prison. What kind of prison is this with the full glass wall? Olivia Benson never got one of these. Betty says goodbye to her dad and to darkness her old friend.
The Serpents are celebrating with a junkyard fire. FP passes his torch on to Jug. His first order of business is to bestow a gorgeous red serpent jacket on my queen, Cheryl Blossom.
YASSSSSS
The phone rings at Fred’s party. He finds out he lost the race to Hermione, and then she shows up to give her condolences.
All of a sudden, we cut to Archie sitting in Mr. Ripa’s study. He snuck up the servant’s quarters like the peasant he is. Archie tries to intimidate Hiram with a very tiny blade. The same one I used to cut up my banana last night, I believe. Archie tells Hiram he knows everything and that he is coming for him and will MAKE HIS BONES ONCE AND FOR ALL!! TBH I’m very let down he only said it once this episode. For that reason alone, he did not make his bones with me. Then, instead of ya know, killing the evil dude ruining his life, Archie dramatically stabs his pocketknife into Hiram’s table and storms out.
So basically it went about how all Archie’s plans go:
The gang meets at Pop’s, pleased with how they managed to save it. Do those milkshakes taste like a million bucks, V? Literally?
Hiram walks into a secret meeting. He has assembled a crack team of evil morons, consisting of the middle-aged town prostitute, the identical twin of a dead drug dealer, a ghoulie in a studded jacket from Zara, an ex-Serpent lawyer, and the new sheriff that rode there on his bike. He says his plan is in motion, but Penelope is just pissed because she wants her brothel now. GOD MOM! Can’t you just wait a few minutes to sell your body?
Alice and Polly are sitting at the kitchen table talking about visiting Hal again. Polly suggests that she have someone from her farm come talk to Alice and help her get over all this. Is it just me, or is that a very culty vibe Polly is giving off? I mean, if anyone in that family got the darkness, I would think it’d be in the daughter that banged her cousin.
Betty and Jughead are in bed together. Jughead asks Betty to be his Serpent queen. Can you possibly think of anything more romantic?
We’ve finally made it to the school for Archie’s swearing in, and my tummy hurts and I don’t think it’s from the jingle jangle. Something very bad is about to happen. As Josie sings, the new sheriff saunters on in straight from the passenger seat of his mother’s Toyota. He’s headed right for Archie and tells him he’s under arrest for the murder of some dude named Cassidy aka the guy that tried to rob them at the cabin! Mr. Ripa stands there looking at Archie menacingly as the sheriff drags him out. I bet you wished you hadn’t just used that knife on the table now, huh Archie? THE END.
WOW! What a nothingburger of a finale! See you all back in the fall when we will find out if Archie will go to prison, if those milkshakes really were worth a million dollars, and if Cheryl’s mom will finally get the brothel she deserves.
Images: The CW (3); Giphy (4)
