It’s Aquarius season, f*ckers! Time to continue embracing the cold-ass weather and ignoring our New Year’s resolutions. Valentine’s Day is less than a month away, so we should also collectively mentally prepare for that pink and red parade of bullsh*t. Anywho, the planets this weekend just, like, want you to be happy (even if it seems like nobody else in your life does). So get your sh*t together, pick yourself up after this short work week, and grab life, ya know?

Aquarius

New moon, new you, Aquarius. Take a good, hard look at yourself this weekend and jot down in your sparkly dream journal the things that you want to f*ck, marry, kill improve, change, and keep the same. Mars is totally pushing you to hop on board the friendship express, so when you’re not writing sad poetry about what you want to change in your life, take the time Friday evening or Sunday brunch to head out with your bitches.

Pisces

The best advice we can give this weekend, Pisces? Sleep. Seriously, the planets are communicating (or whatever) through dreams, so pay attention to wtf they’re saying. It’s also a great idea to enjoy the f*cking freezing refreshing and bracing weather with a short hike on Saturday while spending some much-needed time with yourself.

Aries

Mars is pushing you to go out and like, actually try to have fun this weekend, Aries. It’s a great time to get the ol’ gang back together and try something physical, like watching Stacy pass out during hot yoga or listening to Paul panic breathe through SoulCycle. Sunday should be reserved for your SO, since you’ll be feeling less selfish than usual and are ready to listen and be nice.

Taurus

It’s career time, Taurus. It may be the f*cking weekend, but the universe totes wants you to redo your resume, take on an extra project at work, and otherwise put your big kid panties on (work wise, that is). Speaking of panties, you also may be feeling hella frisky this weekend, so try to be responsible with your downstairs equipment, k?

Gemini

Tis the weekend to go out and explore, Gemini. The planets allegedly want you to go to a gallery opening, try some near-extinct food items, or like, go antiquing for some 18th-century coffee tables. Mercury is also pushing you to communicate and learn this weekend, so Saturday may be a great time to finally pick back up your Duolingo sessions.

Cancer

You’re moody AF this weekend, Cancer, which doesn’t help the fact that you’re simultaneously kinda horny. Is this how Meghan Markle always feels? Ugh, planets, amirite? You can try to hang with some fun people, but keep in mind that you’ll be extra prone to getting pissed off. Saturday may be a good day to quietly eat frozen food and watch reruns of KUWTK.

Leo

Get sexy this weekend, Leo. Friday is great for date night or diving deep on a dating app. Saturday, if you’re paired up, is a great chance to have some deep convos with your partner. Just be careful that you don’t come off as mean-spirited. Like, for example: a deep conversation is not one that centers around who ate whose leftover pizza or who left which dirty socks on the couch two days in a row.

Virgo

Your brain is in overdrive this weekend, Virgo. Silence the noise with cocktails on Friday night, then spend your Saturday actually addressing the issues at hand. If you’re feeling creative, paint a f*cking picture, head out to see an artsy movie, or read up on your Kama Sutra positions. If you’re feeling analytical, explore stocks and invest in some sh*t.

Libra

Just watching HGTV isn’t going to do it for you this weekend, Libra. Channel your inner Joanna Gaines and tackle that home to-do list on Saturday or Sunday. Sure, you can spray paint that dresser. Of course, you should playfully arrange eucalyptus around the apartment. Sh*t, make that trip to Target for more throw pillows. Just be sure you don’t bite off more than you can chew. Set attainable goals, fam.

Scorpio

Time to concentrate on family, Scorpio. We know your mother-in-law is bordering on psychotic, but try to return her five texts this weekend. Grab a beer with your sister and call your dad to ask how winterizing the garage is going. It’s exhausting, but nurturing those relationships can go far. I mean, you may need a pet babysitter down the line, ya know? You’ll also totally be in the mood to tackle something hefty this weekend, so pull up the hardest recipe you can find on Bon Appétit and destroy your kitchen.

Sagittarius

Read a f*cking book, Sagittarius. The moon and Mars are pushing some knowledge feelings at you, so it’s a great opportunity to learn some DIY skills or absorb a literary classic you decided to ignore in high school. It’s also a great weekend to get out of town, but be careful who you invite to trek along with you. You’ll be feeling extra emotional Saturday night and Sunday.

Capricorn

Try not to blow all your money this weekend, Capricorn. The planets are aligned in such a way that you should probably take a long, hard look at your bank account before heading out for yet another all-you-can-eat brunch buffet with a bloody Mary bar. We all know you can’t control your wallet around that sh*t. It’s also a prime weekend for you to make some questionable choices, so for everyone’s sake, try to be a little pickier when it comes to hook-ups.

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Welcome to Aquarius season, aka the mini age of Aquarius. This air sign is known for bringing people together, big picture ideas, and general rebellion, so bust out the metal straws, biodegradable bento boxes, and zero-waste grocery bags. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself taking to the streets over whatever cause is important to you, or, at the very least, posting some extremely long Instagram captions about the 2020 election. Basically, Aquarius season makes us all Cher at the end of Clueless donating her ski equipment to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief Fund. Every little bit counts!

Aries

Aquarius season 2020 will be opening up your sense of what’s possible, Aries, meaning it’s time to upgrade your situation. Still using a phone with a cracked screen? Still holding on to that one random pair of underwear from 2005? It’s time to let it all go. This Aquarius season, you’re leveling the f*ck up in all aspects of your life, and nobody has ever leveled up in old underwear. It’s just a fact.

Taurus

Aquarius season is reinvigorating your drive and ambition, so don’t give up on those 2020 goals just yet. This is a time to work on the big picture and make your plan of attack, so say yes to vision boards, outlines, timelines, and drafts. Get yourself prepared as f*ck, so that when the right moment arrives you can hop on it, knowing that it is step one of your plan to achieve complete world domination by 2021.

Gemini

Aquarius is making you feel like the world is your oyster, and we literally mean the whole world. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself scrolling through travel hashtags this week or trying to convince yourself to open another credit card for the travel miles. If splurging on a last minute trip is available to you, God bless, and I’d love to hang out sometime. If it’s not, try exploring some unknown parts of your own area, like a new bar or one of those fancy movie theaters that serves dinner and lets you get drunk during the movie.

Cancer

Aquarius season is increasing your passion for basically everything, but especially for your romantic relationships. You want romance, you want drama, you want sloppy makeouts in a semi public location. Basically, you want to be on The Bachelor. But since this season is already airing, it’s time to go out and meet some people. Luckily, there’s an app for that. Actually, there’s like 500 apps for that.

Leo

Aquarius is igniting your need to couple up, but not only in romance. Everywhere you go, you’re going to be forming dynamic duos, whether that be by tag-teaming an awesome project at work or by taking on a duet at karaoke night. The Aquarius influence has you wanting to connect with your fellow man, or should I say, your fellow drunk girl at the bar who is contemplating ordering cheese fries.

Virgo

Great news, Virgo! Aquarius is bringing you the energy you need to actually hit your fitness goals. Yes, even the ones you gave up on January 2nd. Because Aquarius is all about doing sh*t in groups, you’ll find yourself way more motivated by group fitness classes than by solo YouTube workouts at home. Sign up for the two-week intro deal at some studios, or better yet, ask a friend if you can tag along on one of her buddy passes and get in for free.

Libra

Aquarius is boosting the f*ck out of your confidence. Why not use it to make a love match with somebody you actually like, and not just somebody who is tall and available on weekends? Your magnetic energy will literally draw people to you, meaning you’ll have more luck meeting potential suitors IRL than on the apps. As an added bonus, you’ll get way less dick pics that way.

Scorpio

Close down the blinds, fire up the crock pot, and put your phone on do not disturb, Scorpio, because Aquarius has you hibernating all f*cking month. The world is deeply jealous. Under Aquarius’ influence, you’ll be feeling the need to connect with your home and domestic life, but that doesn’t mean you have to just sit around doing nothing. Paint a wall, build a shelf, Marie Kondo the f*ck out of your bedroom— anything that will work as a reasonable excuse when your friends ask you to leave the house.

Sagittarius

This Aquarius season, you’re in the mood to go out and do sh*t, despite the fact that its cold and Netflix has like 10 good true crime docs out right now. Whether they be group outings or solo outings, day drinking or night drinking, you need to get the f*ck out of the house and away from the TV. Save the TV shows for when you’re hungover on Sunday.

Capricorn

RIP your season, Capricorn. All good things must come to an end. Did you go a little splurge crazy during your birthday month? If so, you’re in luck because Aquarius is bringing you the financial discipline you need to dig yourself out of whatever credit hole you’ve gotten yourself in. You can probably start by cooling it on the Seamless.

Aquarius

Welcome to your season, Aquarius! Everyone’s acting a bit more like you this month and thank the good Lord for it. This is the month to focus on yourself and your needs, which can be tough for a sign that prefers to focus on literally everything else. For one glorious month, all the other signs are finally able to join you in seeing the big picture, meaning you won’t have to spend so much time explaining sh*t. Enjoy every last minute of it before its Pisces season and you’re back to explaining everything to everyone.

Pisces

Bust out the beret, Pisces! Your already creative sign is getting an extra dose of inspiration this month thanks to Aquarius, meaning you’re going to be your most artsy-fartsy self. Focus on things that feed your creative spirit this month like art projects, writing, dance, or just coming up with new excuses for why you won’t be coming into the office today.

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We made it to February! It feels like only six short months ago that 2019 started, but it has in fact only been four weeks. Time flies when society is crumbling, right? What does the month of love have in store for you? Find out in your betchy weekly horoscopes below.

Aries

This is a week for cherishing your friends, Aries. Sometimes you just need to stop and recognize how dope the people in your life are, and how lucky you are to have them. Take the next couple days to spend some time telling the people around you how much you care about them. Sure, they may think you’re dying at first, but once they realize you’ve just hit a sentimental streak, they’ll appreciate the affirmation.

Taurus

This week is all about focus, Taurus. You’re going to be hit with a wave of productivity so hard you’ll be convinced you accidentally swapped out your daily vitamins for Adderall. Don’t question it, just ride it out. Try clearing out that to do list that’s been accumulating for weeks, or maybe get a jump start on some pre-spring cleaning. Whatever you do, don’t waste this sudden burst of energy. Once it’s gone, it’s not coming back.

Gemini

Time for some vulnerability, Gemini. This week will have you feeling the need to open up to those around you. Sure, bottling up your insecurities and hoping they just go away sounds like a good plan for the time being, but you’ll find it’s not super effective in the long run. Your friends want to help you, but you’ve got to take the first step. When in doubt, a glass of wine never hurts.

Cancer

Good vibes are coming your way, Cancer. This is a week for positivity and self-love. Over the next couple days, take some time for yourself to reflect on 2019 thus far. January may have felt like six months, but it was in fact only one, which means there’s plenty of time to reset your goals for the year. Feel free to bail on any and all plans in favor of staying home and curling up with a good book or a new show. Whatever it takes to recharge your winter-weary soul, be sure to do it.

Leo

Love is in the air, Leo. This week you’ve been bit by a romantic bug, and it’s going to have you feeling some kind of way. If there’s already a special someone in your life, don’t be afraid to shower them with this newfound affection. They’ll appreciate the attention. If you’re currently single and ready to mingle, try booting up those old dating apps you abandoned in 2018. Or better yet, try our new dating app Ship. Either way, get to matching!

Virgo

This is a week for branching out, Virgo. New loves, new friends, new hobbies—it’s all possible. The only thing standing between you and this new adventurous lifestyle is…well…you. Over the next couple days, try your very best to get out of your head and experience things. Once you stop thinking about doing it, you’ll find that doing it is much easier than you anticipated.

Libra

You’re not usually one to struggle with confidence, Libra, but you may find doubts creeping in this week. It’s okay, you’re just finally experiencing what it’s like to be everyone else. No matter what your insecurities try to tell you, remember that you is kind, you is smart, and you is important. Hold your head high, stand strong in your convictions, and ignore anything that tells you otherwise. You’ll be back to your shiny unbreakable self in no time.

Scorpio

You may find yourself feeling just a little bit homesick this week, Scorpio. It’s okay, it happens to the best of us, and there’s nothing wrong with leaning into it. When that wave of nostalgia hits, don’t hesitate to surround yourself with creature comforts. Make that soup you loved when you were little. Watch that old movie that use to run on loop in your home. Hell, call your mom. You probably don’t do it enough anyway.

Sagittarius

This is a week for communicating, Sagittarius. But wait—before you break out the soap box, here’s a handy reminder that communicating means both speaking your truth AND listening to others. You have a tendency to lean toward the former rather than the latter. For the next few days, try actively listening to what people have to say to you, or maybe even what they aren’t saying. Not everyone is as readily available to speak their mind as you, so there might be a little coaxing involved. Whatever it takes, make sure you’re present in all conversations this week. You’ll be surprised what you might learn.

Capricorn

You’re feeling very secure, maybe even safe, in your position right now, Capricorn. You know what that means: it’s time to shake things up. This is a week for risks, both big and small. We know that’s not necessarily your thing, so start with some baby steps. Try changing up your lunch order from the same thing you eat every other day. Wear a color that you usually wouldn’t. Try a new coffee shop and see what happens. As you get bolder, make bigger moves. Swipe right on someone who isn’t your type. Try to start up conversations with strangers. Dive into a new project at work. Whatever you do, don’t let yourself get stale.

Aquarius

Got finances on the brain, Aquarius? Makes sense, given that you’re right in the middle of birthday season and likely burning through cash like no other. Treating yourself during this time is to be expected, but try to have the tiniest bit of foresight when possible. In two weeks the celebrations will cease, and your bank account might not be far behind. So, be frugal where you can, and spring for some discount birthday treats if possible.

Pisces

This is a week for moving on, Pisces. That’s right, you’re getting some closure whether your like it or not. You’ve been holding onto some grudges that, quite frankly, should have been left in 2018. But fear not, there’s still time to ditch them before they tank the rest of your year. Spend the next few days coming to terms with the things that are distracting you, whether or not it’s something you can fix. There’s nothing quite like realizing the stuff that’s been bothering you doesn’t actually matter as much as you once thought it did. You’ll feel better for letting it go.
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