I don’t think it’s a stretch to say, for betches, fall is one of the best times of the year. (And if you call it “autumn” you’re tacky and I hate you.) I mean, it’s the return of pumpkin-flavored everything, wearing leggings everyday, and sweaters and jackets that still look cute as they hide your taco/tequila food baby. Not to mention, no one gives a fuck anymore if you shave your legs. It’s glorious.
But sometimes, those bastards we meet on Tinder or at the bar try to take the glory of fall and turn it from a magical time to one of dread by asking you on dates that sound good on paper, but are actually really shitty and should be avoided at all costs. Here are the fall dates you should never agree to go on.
1. Corn Mazes
You can ask anyone I know, I basically fucking love corn mazes. Wait, no I don’t. I love the idea of corn mazes. It seems like a good idea to wear an adorable outfit to traipse around one of these manufactured death traps, but you are definitely wrong. Your shoes will get ruined because, guess what bitches? Corn grows in the dirt and that’s what you’ll be surrounded by on this date: corn and dirt. You think you can sneak into the corn for a quick fall-themed makeout sesh? Not so. You’ll have a million idiot kids interrupting you as they try to hide from their parents in the stalks. You can’t just make out in front of a bunch of kids, ya pervert. Plus, you know what’s not fun? Getting lost, i.e., the entire point of a corn maze. It sounds like a great way to realize your man has poor navigational skills, and it’s basically an argument waiting to happen. Waze does not work in the corn maze. You’ve been warned.
2. Apple Picking
Like most activities that revolve around gathering your own food, apple picking can also be the worse. It’s weird that you can go to the grocery store and get an apple for like, what, 50 cents? Yet, if you do the work to pick your own and ruin a pair of Frye boots while you’re at it, the apples cost roughly five hundred dollars a bushel. IDK if they actual charge by the bushel, but that seems like an apple picking term to me. If you do so happen agree to go on the apple picking date, remember the Fireball so you can appropriately spike your cider.
3. Haunted House
Ohhh stupid-ass dating experts will for sure tell you a haunted house would be a good idea for a date, because then your man can step up to protect you from the spooky scary goings-on. Not so, bitches. Three things could happen on this date. 1) It’s not that scary and your date gets pissed he spent 40 bucks to walk you around some weird warehouse, 2) Your date is more afraid than you are and you find out the “love of your life” is a pansy-ass bitch, or 3) You get too freaked out and pee your pants and embarrass yourself out of another date. If those are risks you’re willing to take so theater kids can jump out in front of you in full gore makeup, be my guest.
4. Fall Foliage Hike
If your dude happens to be a little bit granola, he might ask you to step out into nature and observe God’s glory by going on a fall hike. Leaves are pretty, yes. And I’m sure the fall hike will open you up to a plethora of Instagram opportunities. But do you really want to be out with a guy who would ever suggest going on a hike? Fucking gross. Like, does he even know you at all? Plus, this is practically the least amount of effort you could put into going on a date. Homeboy just invited you to walk around outside. Is he totally poor and/or so boring that he can’t come up with another option? You know, an option that doesn’t include dying from exposure? Ugh. Men these days.
5. Pumpkin Patch
Let’s go pick out a motherfucking pumpkin so we can carve it as a date! Um, right, dude. If your man asks you on this date and it’s not you who suggests the pumpkin patch, you might want to look into how much time this guy spends on Pinterest, if you know what I mean. Like corn mazes and apple picking, this food-related date doesn’t even provide you with actual food. Have you ever tasted pumpkin? It’s fucking gross and does not remotely taste like pumpkin spice. So, you’ll be exposed to the elements and don’t even get a meal out of it. Great. Also, there will be about a million families with babies taking pictures and crying their fat little heads off out there. Not really the ideal situation for a budding romance.
As you’ve heard like, a million times, it’s the season for all that is basic and betchy. You can deny having a soft spot for shit like fall scented candles, a new pair of Uggs, and pumpkin shit, but we all know you fucking love it. Just like they told you at that binge-drinking informational during your freshman year of college, admitting is the first step towards accepting your problem. So, now that we’ve established you’re just as guilty of being
one of us the most basic girl to ever to exist (congratulations), we can now discuss the highly Instagram-ed fall activity that will get us off the couch faster than the delivery guy bringing you your Pad Thai: apple picking. Whether it’s for an awkward first date, sorority recruitment video, or simply because your annoyingly spontaneous friend coerced you into it, you *will* go by the time November rolls around. It’s honestly a guarantee at this point. With going—assuming you’re going to Instagram the shit out of your outing, because I’d expect nothing less from a basic betch—comes careful outfit planning. Here are the essentials you need for people to envy your (totally fake) outdoorsy, yet chic apple picking attire.
1. Tommy Hilfiger Tommy X Gigi Flannel Shirt
Surprise, surprise. I’ve included a flannel. I know. You can’t deny owning (and correctly wearing) a flannel is as much of a must-have for the season as is a black leather jacket. It’s just one of those things you NEED. To avoid looking like a lumberjack, the flannel has to have a feminine cut so it’s slightly fitted and looks proportional on your body, versus having it look like a smock or a farmer’s old shirt. The new Tommy Hilfiger collab with Gigi Hadid is 90s-inspired with a flair of carefree street style, so this flannel has way too much fashion sense to look anything other than fab.
2. Belstaff Westell Lightweight Technical Quilt Jacket
For true New Yorkers, we all know that anywhere worth trekking to for real apple picking is in upstate New York. I mean, there’s obviously no way we’re going into the Long Island boondocks, NO THX. (I’m only slightly kidding.) In all seriousness, upstate can be brick tits. You think NYC winters are bad? Then you’ve clearly never ventured more than an hour away from the city. And no, your camp friend in Westchester doesn’t fucking count. For this mini trip, wearing a lightweight vest will keep you warm from any chilly winds, have you looking trendy af, and prevent you from sticking out like a sore thumb if you’ve never been to an apple orchard. Bible.
3. ASOS Tall Chunky Sweater In Crop With High Neck
If flannels aren’t your thing, a low-key sexy sweater def will be. Turtleneck sweaters are still a thing for reasons I couldn’t fucking tell you. Since I’m positive you don’t want to look like a girl with no neck, this modern style comes with a looser version of the turtle neck, making it an effortless dressy choice. You can dress down the day-into-night look with mid-rise jeans, casual tennis sneakers, and throw a vest or scarf over it for extra autumn vibes.
4. Yummi Rachel Compact Cotton Leggings
Don’t go apple picking in jeans. Don’t go apple picking in ripped jeans, don’t go apple picking in tight skinny jeans you have to suck in for, just… don’t do it, promise? It’s the worst and like, really uncomfortable. This fall activity requires minor stretching, possible tree climbing, and a shit ton of apple cider-induced bloating. Jeans are your worst enemy rn. Aim for leggings that make your legs look phenom and come with a high waist to make you look skinny (and kind of fit) while you work to grab those apples.
5. BP. Just Block Heel Bootie
Since most of us—I won’t say all because
unfortunately some of you like to work out and whatever the fuck else to keep you “healthy”—aren’t going to be hike-ready with high-quality sneakers and riding boots, but we can still opt to wear really cute shoes that are totally walkable and v fashionable for all of the “I’m-grabbing-this-apple-that’s-way-too-high-for-me-to-reach-and-not-at-all-posed-for-the-Insta-likes” candids you’ll def be taking. These feature a thick boot heel that makes walking bearable and these are absolutely diverse for various occasions.