Here’s to annoying couples: may we know them, may we judge them, may we actively avoid them. Unfortunately, the latter is nearly impossible in our culture of oversharing. The good news is that the most flagrant offenders probably won’t be blowing up your feed for too much longer. Read on for the telltale posts that indicate there is trouble in paradise.
1. The -Month “Anniversary”
I feel the need to start this section with a brief etymology lesson. The word “anniversary” comes from the Latin adjective anniversarius, which means “returning yearly,” as well as the Latin noun annus, which means “year.” So it always baffles me when I see couples commemorating their “3 month anniversary!!!” on social media. While it’s severely premature cute that you’re celebrating your relationship’s survival over the course of a fiscal quarter, it makes absolutely no sense. What’s more, it reeks of insecurity. How dicey are things that you feel the need to prove the legitimacy of your relationship with a fake anniversary?
2. Gratuitous Tributes
These eyesores come in many forms, the most common being a weekly #WCW or #MCM post. Don’t get me wrong. I love love and think it should be celebrated, but it feels more authentic when it happens organically in the context of an actual milestone, like a birthday or a (real!) anniversary. We should appreciate our partners, but must this appreciation be constantly performed on a public forum on a weekly basis? These posts are where the cracks (say crack again) really begin to show in a relationship. They come across as reactionary, like the poster is trying to make up for something he or she did wrong, leaving the sentiment reading more like a coded mea culpa instead of the undying declaration of love it claims to be. Why should Chad send flowers to his girlfriend after she catches him texting bitches when he can overcompensate by firing off a #WCW thirst trap on the ‘gram and call it a day?
3. Incessant Vacation Pics
I will confess that I am guilty of posting way more than I normally do when I am on vacation. But I do try to space out these posts and be cognizant of the fact that while I’m posting basic shots of my third pasta lunch in a row, my followers are toiling away at their work desks, secretly hoping that my Aperol Spritz goes down the wrong pipe. Couples on the brink of a breakup, however, don’t seem to have this sort of self-awareness. Instead, they assault your feed with daily posts and endless selfies from their romantic seaside dinner in Santorini (btw, it’s kinda hard to see the scenery in your selfies, Susan) to make up for the fact that they spent the majority of said dinner arguing about when Matt is finally going to propose. The frequency of these posts is the big tell: the more they are posting, the more they are trying to convince their followers and themselves that EVERYTHING IS FINE! The reality, though, looks something more like this:
4. PDA Overload
Beware of the PDA pictures, my friends, for these are the death knell for many a relationship. Kissing pictures are generally tough. I’m willing to overlook them, say, on one’s wedding day, but anything else feels voyeuristic and leaves me with a lot of questions, the most important being: Who TF is taking these pictures?! The more performative the pose (looking at you, dips), the less likely the couple is to stay together. Case in point: I watched an acquaintance post a monthly kissing pic with her boyfriend for several months, only for this gentleman to disappear
in the night from her feed just three months later.
5. Inspirational Quotes
Call the coroner and prepare the morgue, because this relationship is deceased. There is no clearer sign that a relationship is on the outs than when one party begins posting inspirational quotes, especially when those quotes are passive-aggressive digs at the other person. My personal favorite is, “Never Let Anyone Be Your Priority If You Are Only Their Option.” In other words, Chad graduated from texting bitches to actually f*cking at least one of those bitches and YA GIRL IS PISSED.
Actual footage of me reading these kinds of posts:
As sure as the Kardashian-Jenners will find a way to remain relevant, annoying couples will continue to torture us with their undying proclamations of love on social media. I only ask that these couples be consistent in their oversharing. If they’re going to be this extra when things are going up in flames well, then the least they can do is spill the tea on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. Don’t leave us hanging, it’s rude. In these dark times, a fire selfie with the full breakdown of how Angela caught Todd in bed with her barre instructor is the kind of post the people need.
Images: Austin Loveing / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
So, you’ve selected a victim for cuffing season. Jazz snaps for you. While we’re all SUPER happy that you have someone to bother and suck face with for the next three to ten months, your annoying couples pictures are getting nauseating. See, we’re all like, fine and okay with a candid shot of you all chugging beers or slamming pizzas or embarassing your dog once in awhile. But there are lines that you’re habitually crossing, and we have to call you out on them.
If you’re doing any of the below things on your Instas, Snaps, or Facebook couples pictures, please cease and desist before we all unfollow and unfriend you. You’ve been warned.
Working Out Together And Pausing For A Selfie
DO YOU EVEN CROSSFIT BRO. Thanks so much for taking the time and pausing between blasting your quads and flexing your pecks to snap a photo letting us know how much you love each other and love staying fit. Did you take a hot yoga class, too? Gosh, you guys must have an AMAZING sex life. We’re all so jelly. Please tell us more. I bet sweating and holding in farts with a room of strangers is WAY BETTER than inhaling a Pizza Hut Deep Dish while wearing sweatpants and watching 90 Day Fiancé, right? I regret nothing.
Blatantly Copying Other People’s Cool Ideas
You know that Insta that started out cool, with the girl dragging leading her boyfriend by the hand while they wandered the pyramids of Egypt and gardens in Paris and white beaches in Mykonos? Yeah, so, that couple did it already, then millions of other couples followed suit. What started out cool and original is now one of the most overused and annoying couples pictures to ever sully my Instagram feed, so please just don’t. Congrats on blowing your savings on traveling, then pausing for such an #inspirational and #couplesgoals pic.
It was funny when Will Ferrell and the Anchorman crew did it before the great newscaster rumble. That was, what? 10 years ago? Congrats on yelling at each other until you both leave the ground at the same time in order to nail this pic. Too bad the camera didn’t capture you losing your balance when you came back to the ground, falling, and snapping your ankle. Casts aren’t cute on anyone, fam.
V Average Date Nights
OMG AWWW did you go to the BEST restaurant in town and drink awesome shooters and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Newsflash: If you’re on a date night that doesn’t happen all that often, stop snapping selfies and food photos and try to enjoy each other’s company. Although, I can assure you that nothing makes a waiter or waitress happier than having to take 67 annoying couples pictures (because you have to have options) of you guys looking totes presh while eating spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style.
We Get It—There’s A Ring
Congrats on the whole wedding or engagement thing. Really, it’s great for you. However, your veiled attempts at shoving this large ring in my face via photo isn’t cute. It’s v tacky. You are tacky. Engagement pictures are one thing—the focus is the ring and, like, everlasting happiness or whatever. After that, stop shoving your blood diamond in my eyes.
Why are you doing this? Unless you’re both members of a professional sports team and you have to wear your matching jerseys because of ADAA requirements, there’s no reason for you to match. Not in your denim jackets, not in your windbreakers à la 1985.
LOL BAE CAUGHT ME SLIPPIN. No, he/she did not. You probably/definitely berated and threatened them to take a pic of you #snoozin because you thought your hair looked sexy pushed back. It’s fine and yah, your hair looks sexy pushed back, but nobody believes for a second that this photo happened organically and, therefore, it sucks. And so do you for sharing it.
Kissing and PDA
Omg I’m so happy to have started my day with a photo of you and your bf of three months with your tongues down each other’s throats. I love love, you guys. Please keep the photos of you being dipped romantically or holding each other’s butts coming, because nothing says love like slobbering on each other. My dog slobbers on me and he’s a lot cuter. Just saying.
I don’t even wanna see two strangers briefly peck on the subway and you think I want to see people I know making out on my newsfeed where it will be memorialized until the end of time? Lmfaooo get a room
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) October 16, 2018
Images: Alora Griffiths / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
There’s really no getting around it; couples have reached peak annoyance in 2018. They used to cap off at replacing “I” with “we” and copious amounts of PDA, but now we’re at a point where the limit to how cringeworthy a couple can be does not exist. I’m not even just saying this as a bitter single betch with a snarky Hinge bio. I’m one half of a couple and I’m literally on my own damn nerves. Honestly, there are millions of reasons why the secondhand symptoms of monogamy are at an all-time worst, but the main culprit here is Instagram. And I’m talking about the captions. Like, there’s nothing outwardly offensive about a photo of a couple standing in front of something moderately scenic. But throw a caption on it—that’s basically always the reason people hate a couple. Here are a few of the very worst couples Instagram captions ones that you should avoid at all costs.
And no, I’m not going to give you any advice on how to write good couples Instagram captions, because I do not believe there is a safe plan of action to follow here. Basically, we’re all just f*cked. Just make sure to never find yourself typing “cutest couples Instagram captions” into the Pinterest search bar, or you’ll officially have become a lost cause.
1. “This Guy ????”
This is arguably the most annoying couples Instagram caption in existence. First off, it’s just plain lazy. Secondly, it’s vague as hell. I’m definitely not suggesting that you DTR on every Instagram caption from here on out—that’s the absolute last thing you should be doing—I’m just saying, this caption isn’t going to make you appear chill enough to successfully convince everyone that you’re not disgustingly obsessed with your bae/posting photos so any potential side chicks know to back off.
2. Literally Any Comparison To A Celebrity Couple
I don’t give a sh*t if it’s John and Chrissy or Kermit and Miss Piggy; comparing you and your significant other to a famous couple is just not the move. It’s unoriginal, and it’s basically just a very public, delusional self-compliment. Plus, celebrity relationships (with the exception of John and Chrissy, just going to take a time out to knock on wood here) tend to have a success rate comparable to my ability to fully carry out a Whole30 cycle. You’re basically just cursing your entire relationship.
3. “Had The Best Time In With This One”
Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? I’m willing to bet you really didn’t have the “best time” on your first weekender with your significant other. It most likely consisted of three straight days of holding in farts with a few scattered “babe, can we just take a quick pic?” opportunities. Spare yourself the lie and just throw down a string of emojis at this point.
4. “Love You Almost As Much As I Love “
Oh! I see what you did there! You compared your relationship with a human to your relationship with a food that you like to eat. That was pretty funny and I’ve never seen that before. Okay, but on a serious note, I get that Forever 21 and bad meme accounts have brainwashed us all into thinking that liking pizza and wine is a personality trait, but I am urging you to rise above that here. With one unique Instagram caption, you too can save yourself from becoming a statistic.
5. “The To My “
Unless it’s like, actually pretty funny, this is one of the formats of couples Instagram captions that you should try to avoid. I don’t care if you go together like peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, or orange juice and champagne. Just like, literally STFU.
6. “You Are The Best Thing That’s Ever Been Mine”
The only acceptable way to be a Taylor Swift fan is silently. If you’re going to let your love for T. Swift show on a public social media forum, your options are a) referencing dramatic breakup lyrics from “Sparks Fly” or the Fearless album only, or b) a single Instagram story from the Taylor Swift concert everyone apparently crawled out of the woodwork and attended. You’re not allowed be an avid Taylor Swift fan and in love at the same time publicly. It’s just too much. You may choose one.
7. Anything That Even Vaguely Suggests Relationship Goals
You cannot dub yourself relationship goals. It’s not allowed. Also, I think I stand for most of the Instagram community when I say it is time to put these bare minimum goals to rest. Like, oh? Your boyfriend opened a car door for you? Or bought you flowers? Those are like, extremely normal displays of affection that do not necessarily need to be Instagrammed and bragged about.
Oh and, as a last piece of advice, for the love of God, please always tag your other half in photos so the rest of us can creep appropriately. Thank you!
Images: Rawpixel / Unsplash; Giphy (4)