Fall is officially here and, even though it might not feel like it yet, according to all of the Instagram influencers clogging up my feed with their best unoriginal fall pics, last Monday was the first official day of fall. Which means that, if you still haven’t switched over your wardrobe yet, it’s officially time to get on that. It’s also time to go shopping for updated fall pieces, because who doesn’t want another excuse to shop? There are some amazing fall trends worth getting on board with right now like, ’70s silhouettes, dad jeans, and animal print. But of course, in keeping the world balanced, for every fall trend that I’m loving, there’s another that I cannot get behind. So here are the five fall trends you won’t see me in, and that I hopefully won’t see you in either, plus some alternative fall trends to try instead.
1. Capes
ModCloth Pardon My French Quarter Cape, $89
I feel like every couple of years this trend comes around and, in the least shocking thing ever, I hate it even more. It’s not only impractical, it’s also ridiculous looking. In my humble-yet-judgy opinion, fashion capes are on the same spectrum as fashion ponchos. And let me clarify something for you all: ponchos are for the rain, and capes are for superheroes. If you’re gonna be a hero, be the kind that doesn’t wear capes. Instead of the costume-y cape trend, opt for a more effortlessly cool and trendy extra-long duster.
Free People Inside Out Cardigan, $168
2. Shakespearian Ruffle Collars
Zara Ruffled Printed Blouse, $69.90
I’m sorry, but no one can pull of this trend. Even Shakespeare himself looked like a straight clown in his ruffled collar. Instead of the obnoxious ruffle collar, try a romantic-inspired balloon sleeve. It’s a way more flattering look and also one that won’t scare away small children.
525 America Puff Sleeve Pullover, $88
3. Micro Purses
WANT Claim To Fame Mini Crossbody Bag, $24
Again, I can’t get behind an impractical trend. The tiny bag trend was already throwing me off, so now that we’ve gone micro, I’m out. I pray that since we’ve now gone so micro, fashion will switch over to the other extreme, back to oversized Olsen-level hobo bags from here on out. But anyway, these micro bags are bullsh*t. I can’t afford to lose any more credit cards, and this bag doesn’t even look like it could fit my keys and one other thing. So instead of an impractical micro purse, try just a small ’90s style shoulder bag. At the very minimum, you can at least fit your phone and like, a pack of gum.
ASOS DESIGN croc effect 90s shoulder bag, $29
4. Statement Hats
ASOS DESIGN Faux Fur Roll Back Bucket Hat, $23
The name of this trend alone gives me cringe sweats. Like, a statement hat… that doesn’t even make sense. A hat, in itself, is a statement. So now you’re trying to do a hat, that’s also going out of its way to make a statement? I can’t. The only people who can get away with wearing a fuzzy bucket hat are LL Cool J and Cam’ron. Get on their level and then we can talk. In the meantime, maybe try some cool hair accessories instead?
ASOS DESIGN hair clip with pearl glam slogan, $9.50
5. Colored Tights
ASOS DESIGN 50 Denier Tights, $9.50
Colored tights scare me. They are reserved for kindergarten teachers, and kindergarten teachers only. They feel very Ms. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus. Although, I just looked it up and she apparently didn’t actually wear colored tights. But seems like she would have, right? I don’t know, either way, they’re gonna be a no, from me dawg. Instead, try a subtle animal print tight.
Commando Leopard-Pattern Sheer Tights, $36
So that’s my list of hard nos. Other than these, everything else I’m on board with or, at the very least, can tolerate. I’m sure you will all be commenting with misguided aggression to disagree with my selections as you like to do, so have at it.
Images: Ali Pazani / Unsplash; ModCloth; Free People; Zara; South Moon Under; Nasty Gal; ASOS (4); Neiman Marcus
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
This season, instead of mindlessly buying another pair of $200 out-of-style riding boots, let’s try something new. I mean, you don’t slave over Excel at your miserable 9-5 just to spend your precious paycheck on some fugly fall boots, right? Look, I get it, shopping is hard (for some). And sure, you could easily just hit up Payless with Meemaw and get another pair of tacky-ass tall brown boots, but WHY?! You’re better than that, which is why I’m here writing this article. I’m here to help you. I’m here to be a friend to you, and to take the frustration out of all your fall shoe shopping woes. So I give you the only five shoes you need for fall and exactly where to get them.
1. Staple Black Boot
Just like every girl needs a staple LBD, every girl needs a staple black boot. It’s a fall closet essential because it pairs well with legit everything. Plus, when you get home from day drinking, wasted from all those delish spiked ciders, attempting to get ready for the night to keep that weekend bender going, do you really want to use what few brain cells you have left for the day trying to figure out what shoe to wear with your dress? Didn’t think so. Just make it easier on your poor blacked-out self and get yourself staple black fall boots.
2. Statement Sneaker
Whether you’re into a chunky sneaker or not, statement sneakers are like, totally in this fall. They’re a stylish shoe option that is also super comfortable. So like, if you’re not on board, get on board. It’s not every day we get a trend that’s actually comfortable. You can get anything from a chunky white dad sneaker to this chic feminine version of Air Force Ones. Either way, you’ll be happy you have them in your closet this fall.
3. Animal Print Boots
Stop being afraid of animal print and think of it as a new neutral. Sounds counterintuitive, I know, but trust me it is. An animal print can pretty much go with any outfit. It instantly takes your basic look to a much cooler level. Snake print in particular usually comes in neutral colors. So wear this animal print to totally elevate your otherwise boring AF turtleneck and jeans this season.
4. Thigh Highs
Hoes, rejoice! Thigh highs are yet again a fall essential, allowing you to wear your inappropriate leather skirt or way-too-short dress, even when it’s cold outside. They’re like, basically a godsend while waiting in line for those sh*tty bars you didn’t even want to go to in the first place. Trust me, embrace this trend.
Chinese Laundry King Over The Knee Boot
5. Slouchy Boots
Pair with a skirt and tights, and you’ll instantly look chic as hell. As the name would suggest, slouchy boots give that effortlessly stylish look we all crave. Warning, though: women 20 years your senior will feel the constant need to tell you about how they wore these boots “back in the day.” But I guess that’s a relatively small price to pay for looking sooo damn good.
So there you have it, no need to stress or make your fall shopping any harder than necessary. I’m going to give each and every one of you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that if you’re intelligent enough to be reading this article, then you’re smart enough to stop wasting your money on hideous things…like fugly boots.
Images: Danny G / Unsplash; Net-A-Porter; Nike; Revolve; Steve Madden (2); Chinese Laundry; Free People
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
