‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: WTF Is A Chooch?

So, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is literally just my life now and I have no idea what’s even going on anymore. I feel like I’m back in high school in SAT class. Deena comments that she loves the house so far, citing things like she “got a good night’s sleep” and “has her space”. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was watching a show about church camp, BUT GOOD FOR YOU. Maybe they’ll go swimming and exchange friendship bracelets.

Deena then corners Vinny and asks about the penis touching incident and told Vin it seems like he and Ang are a couple. #burn.

Then Snooki says she is throwing a 7-year-old style birthday party at the house which is both weird and f*cking annoying. Jenni is thrilled because she “throws these parties all the time”. Sounds super sick, guys. This is so much worse than friendship bracelets.

Pauly D: An adult themed party sounds like a porno party. Sometimes on my tour bus, we have adult parties.

F*cking ew. Can we work on getting some kind of STD testing sponsorship for Pauly’s DJ sets?

They are literally jumping at a bounce house. I’m half expecting Corinne Olympios, queen of naps and cheese pasta, to show up and try to molest someone in it.

Angelina shows us all how to use a giant hamster ball, as she is the dirty hamster expert here. Mike almost dies trying to use said hamster ball because he has obviously not been doing his cardio.

Burger King is catering this entire thing. I’m sorry, what the f*ck am I watching? I make up all kinds of excuses to avoid my friends’ kids’ birthday parties, and yet now I’m somehow being held hostage to watch sad grown adults have a kids party because they are trying to make “drama” for their show.

Vin completely lies about his diet and pretends this is the first time he’s had carbs. But hi Vin, those keto strips don’t lie. Then Mike lies too, claiming he hasn’t had BK in years. We literally have FOOTAGE of him and Jenni at Burger King post-rehab speech. Mike, we have the receipts.

Vinny is making up some game or “challenge” amongst himself where the losing option is to kiss Angelina’s feet. Yeah Vin, seems like you really don’t want to do that. He acts like he can’t lose because he’s so grossed out by Angelina. But again, he’s the one who came up with the feet kissing.

Vin: Hey, Angelina should kiss my feet, or I should kiss Angelina’s feet, but I hope that doesn’t happen because Angelina is gross. Haha. But like, can we still do the feet kissing?

Oh my God, I just noticed Vinny is wearing a shirt with the Instagram logo that says “Introverted”. I’m sorry, that is f*cking obnoxious. Get with the program, we all stopped bragging about being introverts in like, 2014 when Thought Catalog stopped being cool. Vinny wins and Angelina now has to kiss his feet, which I’m sure he’s thrilled about. This isn’t Ang’s worst Tuesday. She’s used to being disgusting. Vinny is so excited that Ang kissed his foot that he hugs her in gratitude. All of it is disturbing.

The girls and guys decide to separate for the night. Ang decides it’s going to be a classy night which means no swearing, napkins on laps, proper posture because she has scoliosis, and no bodily functions. Okay, let’s just replace her with someone who isn’t trash. The guys are going to the club and I’m way more excited for their drama. We finally get to see Single Ronnie at work. There is no talk about Single Jenni, and that’s a total bore. The girls go to a classy bistro for cheese and wine, and Angelina calls Jenni “a disgust” because she’s burping and whining that she’s fat. K.

The guys go to Jeni’s and Ronnie is like, “oh I haven’t been Single Ronnie in 15 years,” and it’s like, Ron, your best Single Ronnie was always when you had a girlfriend. The guys are horrified to find it’s country music night. The scene is lame so they eat ice cream cones in the corner. This is literally me at every bar. Then some sad sack comes up near their table and is pathetically dancing to himself and miming fake sobs. Oh my God, is doing The Ronnie? Is this a dance move now?

Vinny: Don’t lock eyes with him, OMG he’s seducing me, OMG I’m in love, JUST KIDDING.

I don’t believe any “just kidding” of Vin’s anymore, I guarantee he will sleep with this man. This guy is just staring at them dancing with a chair. Mike is overall pleased with boy’s night, as he’s had a chance to gorge himself. Single Ronnie is completely lame when he’s not cheating on anyone. Really takes the fun out of it.

The girls are drunk and Snooki literally pours the rest of their bottle of wine into an empty Gatorade bottle in her purse. If that doesn’t say class, I don’t know what does. Jenni comments that they are all really polished tonight, like a “polished turd.” I almost completely stopped listening but then as they are leaving, some old-ass man calls Deena FAT. Deena is f*cking pregnant, not okay dude. But the plot thickens. Apparently, as the crew walked by, what he actually said was, “every girl is fat.” Holyyy shit. Do you not remember what happened the last time some rando called a Jersey Shore lady fat? Here, I’ll remind you:

I’ve seen Jenni IRL and let me tell you, aside from her boobs that are larger than my head, she is tiny. Jenni and Snooks stalk back into the bar. Jenni is all, “Did you call a PREGNANT girl fat?!” And calls him a b*tch. And points in his face and is like “THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA!” Then the guy calls Jenni a b*tch.

BUT THEN. They walk away. I’m soooo disappointed. In the good old days, Jenni would have legit punched him in the face (see above). Quit this maturity thing, I like to watch trash TV for the possibility of assault charges! What is this sh*t?

Okay, the guys are still sitting at the table with their little dancer man. He finally asks for a picture with them. He danced for three hours for a photo. Then he walks away. Vin feels abused by the fact that he only wanted a picture.

The guys leave to get funnel cake. The girls go to bed. I don’t want to old-shame, but like, guys, it may be time for you to move on from Jersey Shore. These are not the guidos I know and love. Like, you guys got ice cream and went to bed. I don’t need to waste my life watching TV about this; it’s what I do regularly.

Since carbs found Vinny, he is now going HAM and cannot stop himself. Pauly calls him a cheater and makes him wear an iPad on a gold chain with a photo of himself eating carbs. They just have these things at their disposal just in case.

A whole day goes by with nothing eventful to show (shocking) and the gang all goes to dinner together. Vinny so ~randomly~ runs into his cousins at the restaurant. But guess what? Turns out, the cousin’s friend is THAT MOTHERF*CKER that called the girls fat last night at the same restaurant! I’m sorry, are there only like three restaurants in all of Jersey??? How did this happen? Vinny, are you seriously related to these POSes?

Ronnie: I’m going to play with my foot up his ass.

Weird flex, but okay.

Okay, so they’re showing this guy’s face which means he had to sign a release for filming, right? Seems like this is fake but oh well. Then the Fat-Shamer himself walks by Mike, and is like, “oh Mike? We have a mutual friend!” And Mike f*cking shakes his hand.

The girls are like, “why the f*ck are you shaking his hand?” And Pauly goes, “Get out of my table chooch!” (Wtf is a chooch?)

According to Urban Dictionary: chooch
The term is derived from the Italian word “ciuccio” and means jackass, dummy, idiot, or moron. A chooch is a person, who against better judgment, acts inappropriately.

The Fat-Shamer denies the fat-shaming. I’m sorry, HI, this is all FILMED. Ronnie is just sitting, eating and ignoring. Vin calls him a “doo-da-doo” which is apparently a loser. Why do all of their insults sound like they are from a fifth-grade playground? The guy retreats and Angelina realizes she knows one of the girls he’s with. Of course she does. The girl is a stripper and hates Ang. I also hate Ang so I can’t blame her there. They all go upstairs to the lounge club area and Jenni is wearing a cardigan and glasses like, why does she want to fight me?

The Fat-Shamer goes up to them and gives them the finger. Pauly jumps up and gets in his face, the first man to step up and defend the women, THANK YOU Pauly! It’s a lot of “WHAT’S UP MY GUY” before his security intervenes. Pauly’s “GUY” gets removed by security and the crowd chants Pauly’s name. It’s like every bullied kid in middle school’s dream. Also, it’s probably pretty easy to stand up to people when you’re surrounded by private security, just saying.

Ronnie misses everything because he’s once again destroying a toilet and runs into THE GUY outside the bathroom. The Guy compliments his man jewelry and tells him he has more money than him. They start bickering. C’mon, Ron, handle this. Make me hate you slightly less.

The Guy is like “I only call fat chicks fat”, which is OFFENSIVE, RON, but then he starts calling Ron “baby”, and this took a weird turn. And then Ron is all, “I’m not your baby”. And The Guy touches Ron’s chain. Ron is like, “OKAY LET’S GO!”

Ron: He’s wearing fake ass GIVE-INCH-EEE.

Referring to The Guy’s Givenchy shirt. Which is pronounced jee-von-shee, BTW. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s designer shirt, you have to know how to correctly say it.

The Guy: Come to my yacht parties and I’ll show you who gets paid. But like, will you come to my yacht parties???

???? Is this an insult or an invite? Jesus, fix it. Ronnie goes on a Ronpage and grabs all his security to go meet the guy for fighting purposes. Then the trashy stripper girl starts hounding Angelina. Classic Ang is all “f*ck you bitch, stripper bitch, ugly titties”. The guy never comes back—he literally let his GF fight for him? Then the stripper JUMPS the fence and security carries her out.

Unfortunately, this is also when MTV decides to cut the episode. Okay, finally I want to watch something about this show and it just ends?? Whatever, until next week.

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (1)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Bromitment, Thotchella, Four Guidos & a Baby

I honestly can’t even remember what happened last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, was it that uneventful? I vaguely remember the girls leaving while Pauly tried to commandeer a secret guy’s weekend that Mike almost ruined. Because he ruins everything. And J-Woww left early because she’s still mad about the f*cking Mother’s Day video. Anyway, we pick back up on Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode 7 in a not very surprising spot: Mike is stuffing his face and looking at himself in the mirror.

Mike: Thick is the new thin.

I mean true, but like, Mike, if I have to pretend to like kale and go to the gym, so do you. We all want to lie around and eat funfetti cake all the time but we don’t. It’s called being an adult. It sucks. You know what? Nevermind, f*ck this, let’s all get fat together and eat funfetti cake all the time.

Literally all I’ve wanted to do for my entire life:

Ronnie is ruining brunch as per usual by listing all the things he has to buy for his baby now that he and Jen are separating. Ron, just order this sh*t on Amazon Prime and shut the f*ck up. It’s taking longer for you to bore us to death by announcing every item than it would for one-click shipping.

Vin: We are having four guidos and a baby day. We want to go to Ron’s house and set everything up for the baby.

…Why are they trying to fight me? What did I do to deserve this kind of boredom? You guys used to be fun.

Ron makes a fat-shaming joke about Mike being pregnant (not cool Ron, it’s 2018), and Mike is all, “Whatever, it takes a real man to rock a dad bod.” Who’s going to tell him that his abs were his only redeeming quality?

Pauly: Since Donald Trump is president, any reality star can be president, so like, I should be president.

TBH, I would totally take President DJ Pauly D over Trump any day. What does that say about our country?

Ron fills in Pauly about Jenni leaving. Then we see Snooki driving to Jenni’s in Jersey. Oh, I swear to God, Jenni, if you f*cking mention that video again, I will cut you. Nicole is wearing MASSIVE fake eyelashes, which seem like a bit much for a fighting-with-a-friend-at-her-home kind of event.

Jenni: I left because I wasn’t into it and then you invited Angelina and then THE VIDEO…

Snooki: Why didn’t you call me and say it hurt your feelings that I wasn’t in the video?

Solid point, Snooki.

Jenni: But like how’s your new best friend?

So I guess hanging out with no one but children makes you a f*cking child yourself.

The guidos are shopping in the baby store. It’s all weird and sad.

Pauly to cashier: Do you have anything for when the dad cries more than the baby?
Scared cashier: Um. No.

Pauly then gets in trouble with her by putting a sticker of his own face over a baby’s face on a product. She makes him remove it so he sticks it on her back. It’s kind of funny.

So Jenni and Snooki are having a little b*tch fight where Jenni is saying she almost left without even telling her (not helping her case TBH), and Jenni is still complaining about Angelina. They just eventually give up and decide to let it go.

Jenni: It’s all about Namaste and hug that sh*t out and move on.


Jenni with this f*cking video:

So the guys go back to Ronnie’s house, where Jen has already moved out. Side note: Love how they keep dividing these scenes back and forth between the girls and guys because they are both sooo dull to sit through all at once. They walk in to find Ronnie’s huge TV smashed on the ground. Ron says he wasn’t even there for that rampage. They all go upstairs.

Pauly: Are we gonna do a reenactment?

Then they walk up what they refer to as the “famous staircase”. It’s the staircase where Jen was Instagram Live filming one of their fights.

Pauly: Ronnie’s hair looked terrible during that fight. I must have watched it four million times.
Mike: I actually don’t get starstruck by Ronnie’s stairs… you know what I’m saying?

They go upstairs and Jen has destroyed another TV. Like… why always the TVs? What did they ever do to you? The guys help Ron remove the damaged TVs. Naturally, the next step is to put the Baby Bjorn on Mike. He puts his bag of chips inside of it. He’s dancing with his chips. Oh my God, am I Mike? Is Mike me? I feel personally attacked.

They clean everything out and then they’re like, oh let’s eat.

Mike: Now you’re speaking my languages.

Mike, you can barely speak one language. Just stop.

The guys get ready to go out and I swear someone better cheat on their significant other because I am so over this baby stuff. Mike arrives wearing a yellow sweater.

Vin to Mike: Waddup, Curious George.

Why does Mike always wear pastel sweaters now? Is he auditioning to be a Chanel? Is this part of his “I Don’t Belong In Prison” scheme?

Ronnie pats himself on the back for keeping his temper the whole trip and everyone is like… is he… is he serious? He literally tried to fight some rando in the bathroom at the pool.

Pauly then announces that he and Vinny are having a bromitment ceremony. Where is Barney Stinson? We are really reaching for drama on this show. They legit pull up to a wedding chapel. They’re making Mike be the flower girl because he’s already dressed like one.

Wedding chapel person: Do you want to hear about our packages?
Pauly: I’m getting married because of his package if you know what I mean.

What is happening?

What am I watching?

What is happening to my life?

Pauly to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.

Mike helps Vin get ready and Ron helps Pauly.

Vin puts on a tiara and veil.

Vin: I look like a beekeeper.
Ron: This marriage is perfect, he’s white, you’re tan.

I have so many questions.

Vin to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.

Huh, maybe Vin and Pauly are meant to be.

Ron: This is the closest I’ve ever been to a wedding chapel in Vegas. It smells like regret.

Mike flower-girls down the aisle by throwing the flowers over his head. Vinny walks down the aisle.

Oh, they’re getting married by Elvis.

Pauly: I never pictured my bride to have a beard.

They show a montage of their friendship. Oh God, they have vows.

Pauly: Vinny. Ever since the moment you walked into that shore house. The second we worked together at the T-shirt shop. Before you had a beard. And I met your family in Staten Island. And I realized Staten Island was an actual island. I knew that it was gonna be you.

Vin: Pauly. We don’t look like we belong together. You’re orange, I’m pale. You have muscles, and I don’t. But at the end of the day, you’re the ying to my yang, and I want to do T-Shirt Time together for the rest of my life.

They do the rings.

Vin (in his interview): Don’t tell him I said this, but it’s a little gold ring, and the guy is covered with ice, like, get me some diamonds, bro.

They totally f*ck up the kiss and do a bro-y hug, complete with back pats so it’s not gay. (Seriously, why do men do this?) What did I just watch though?

Now Snooki is meeting up with Jenni and Angelina to work through their issues. Why don’t we just agree to stop inviting Angelina places? Problem solved. I’m getting another glass of wine to get through this. Snooki is giving Angelina advice on how to look classy while her hair looks like an insane Pomeranian.

Snooki: Remember how I invited you to Vegas so you could make up with Jenni?
Also Snooki: I don’t want to be in the middle of this.

Pauly is now molesting Vinny in bed while attempting to wake him up. Mike harasses Ron into being the first ones at the buffet. The woman working at the buffet says he’s been there so often, he’s like family. Mike and Ron are walking through the lines of the buffet and Mike is telling him every single dish.

Ron: How long have you worked here?

I assumed they were getting breakfast because they just woke up, but Mike is eating pasta, steak, mac and cheese, fried rice, and ice cream???

Since Mike and Ron are the only ones here and we already talked about food, obviously the only subject we can now discuss is Ron’s baby and baby mama. He says he hasn’t talked to Jen at all and it’s left to the lawyers now. Probs a good idea, considering she ran you over with her car for much less than this. Now that that topic is covered, we again go back to food.

Mike: I have to eat everything now because when I get home it’s back to the diet.
Ron: Will Lauren even recognize you?
Mike: She knows I hold my weight well.

Ugh, I wish I did. I look like Jack Skellington with a pot belly when I gain weight. Those PSLs are my true Nightmare Before Christmas.

Snooki calls Jenni and basically holds her to lunch with Angelina at gunpoint.

The boys are all looking at themselves and Mike is like, “damn boy you thicc”, to himself but like, he’s so thicc that Vinny can’t fit in the frame. They all go out to Drais, which Pauly claims is his “favorite” but I’m pretty sure it’s where his residency is, so it’s more like “pays his bills”.

They have a cabana with a hot tub and there are tons of girls in bikinis. Serious question: who wears a bikini to a nightclub? Like they obviously planned on going in the hot tub? It’s so weird.

Mike: What is this, a THOT tub?

Sarcastic Clapping

Mike claims that all the girls are hitting on him. Somehow I doubt it, but sometimes people act weird and sad in order to get on TV, so it may be true.

Vin: They say it’s the thot that counts, but right now, I’m counting thots.

They’re bringing tons of girls home although the only people trying to hook up are Pauly and Vin. Why isn’t Ron? It’s like I don’t even know him now.

Pauly: We have a stripper pole in our shower.
Thot: Ooooh show me.

WTF, where do people like this exist?

ALSO, this girl walks through the whole hotel in nothing but her bikini. Like, you didn’t wear a cover-up over it at all? Don’t you have a purse? Or like… shoes? This floor is f*cking dirty!

Pauly leads the girl to the shower where she immediately takes her top off and starts dancing like a stripper. I’m beginning to suspect these women were paid.

Mike is horrified. He’s closing his eyes.

Mike: Asses are everywhere. Not today, Satan.

The thottiest thot walks up to Mike and says, verbatim, “wanna play?” confirming these girls were definitely paid. It’s like these guys are now so undesirable, the producers paid for strippers to make it seem like they could still smush like the good old days. Tragic.

The girls are twerking on everything and everyone. Again. Paiiiiid. Probs paid well. Mike orders burgers and fries that definitely look like they’re from In N Out. Except one girl has chicken nuggets??? They don’t sell those at In N Out.

One of the girls goes in and interrupts the smushing to give them burgers. Mike tries to go to sleep and some girl starts crawling all over Ronnie. (cough cough PAID.)

Pauly:  This was the best trip ever, we had the Bromitment ceremony, Thotchella, and Four Guidos and a Baby.

That was like the last episode. Before that, nothing even happened except Jenni whined a lot and Jen tried to murder Ron.

I guess we’ll see next week when everyone is somehow back at The Shore??? Why is this happening?

Images: Giphy (7); MTV

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: Ignore It Like Genital Herpes

Welcome back to another episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. Last week was a giant cock tease for Angelina’s appearance, if you’ll recall. This week, Angelina has finally arrived to the house, and I’m ready for her to destroy shit. The girls greet her so awkwardly. I don’t blame them, Angelina literally bailed and tried to come back three times. It’s annoying. You obviously don’t like these people, Ang, quit trying to get in on their fame after the fact. I do appreciate how Snooki is beating the shit out of Ronnie for this when it was definitely Pauly’s fault. I guess things are usually Ron’s fault in this house.

Snooki: Angelina said three months ago how ugly I look.

Ok, so Angelina, Snooks, and Jenni have all purchased the exact same face with muppet lips. Soooo is that not just calling herself ugly?

Angelina now wants to bond, eight years later. Wants to bond or wants to sell Instagram tea? I’mma say she’s here for the wrong reasons. Is that a thing at the Shore? What are the right reasons for this show? Drinking? Angelina is claiming they don’t even know her. Like they didn’t do, what, three semi-seasons with her? Is she delusional?

Vinny: Right now, we’re watching a baby hippo, Angelina, get preyed on by wild hyenas.

K, Vinny is killing me with the accent and everything, he is pretty funny—

Vinny: And then Nicole is fucking her vagina—I mean, uh—

He ruined it. Also, it’s very, very strange to me how hard up he is for Snooki. He’s edging on the brink of the Ronnie-Sam obsession.

Jenni is finally showing some balls and is stirring shit up instead of just sitting with her grandma glasses in the corner. She told Angelina to GTFO, and Angelina refused. This is when the J-Woww I know would punch her in the face and drag her out by her hair. Instead, nothing happens. Motherhood makes people dull.

Ronnie: What do we do?
J-Woww: We ignore it like genital herpes.
Ronnie: No you take medicine for that.

I am not even a little bit surprised that Ronnie knows this.

Snooki is going on that she is not a Lego and she’s not Lego-ing this girl as she slaps her hands on top of each other, as if the gesture explains wtf she is talking about. It does not.

They’re going to have a Meatball Day to get away from The Evil Presence in the house. Somehow Ronnie falls on his head. I feel like this happens to him a lot. Oh, so he hits his head and then invites Angelina to Meatball Day.

Snooki: I have like a devil and an angel on my shoulder. ‘Noooo, give her a chance’, ‘No, she’s an asshole, kill her.’

Weirdly, these are exactly my thoughts navigating through LA traffic.

Angelina is now an EMT, which really scares me. Could you imagine having an emergency and Angelina shows up to save you? Also, Ronnie cheats on Sam. Ronnie lies. Ronnie fucks around on his baby mama. Ronnie can’t use a toilet. But he makes one comment saying Snooki got her lips done *which is a fact* and now Snooks is like, he’s gone too far? It’s good to know where that line is.

Snooks got a phone and is reading to Angelina what she said about her. So, so awkward. Here’s what it is:

“She’s trying to copy my look. I don’t really like the new lips, they’re not doing much for her to be honest with you. I don’t know what the hell that’s all about, but whatever.”

Angelina has a look that we call “poop face” in my household. It’s the face your dog gets when she feels guilty for pooping in the house. But I guess Angelina has matured, because she just apologizes and the girls move on. God, I miss the old days.

Nicole and Angelina are now pretend fucking on a table. K. Now they’re on the floor.

Back at the house, Jenni is pissed that Snooki and Ang are now lovers. Angelina to trying to explain how she apologized today, and Deena is just sitting in the background mumbling like the fucking Cookie Monster. Does she think her comments are helpful?

Ang: I admitted to everything.
Deena: Mrrrp rmmpp murrrr.

Yes, Deena, very insightful.

Deena right now:

Jenni reintroduces herself to Angelina as a gesture of starting over, which drives me insane when people do that, it is so weird and so fake. Just stop talking shit about each other and move on. What is the pretend introduction for? Jenni then scolds Deena because she keeps incessantly interrupting their conversation, and Deena is like, “I know I’m so annoying, I’m the worst!” and starts sobbing. I could not be friends with Deena. I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Ronnie then violently shoves Deena into the pool. Is that not a drowning risk because she’s so drunk? Maybe she’ll find Sex Doll Sammi down there. Now Deena is crying about being pushed in the pool. She is soooooo dramatic. Also? I personally am offended by this, because when I talked to Deena about the new season at the premiere party, she said she was so proud of herself for being more mature this time around and standing up for herself. Like, wtf Deena? You were sloppy af and cried about nothing, but yeah, super mature.

Ronnie throws Angelina into the pool too. Idk why, but for some reason, that one I think is funny??? Nicole wants to know if Ang has ass injections. She shows her her ass. Not sure how this verifies anything? They don’t put the injections on the outside of your ass, right?

They call in some vitamin guy—is this a doctor? unclear—to give them IVs so they’re not hungover. I would love this because I hate drinking water. Nvm, there’s blood everywhere. I’ll just drink water, I cannot handle this.

J-Woww’s expertise seems to only be in lip injections, supervising adult male haircuts, and picking out engagement rings. She invites her friend to help Mike make a ring for Lauren. Yawn. Oh wow, that was the whole segment? So glad they included that. Angelina and Vin are arguing about whether Staten Island is trash. I live in LA, I don’t have an opinion on this. #CantRelate Pauly calls a family meeting because he accidentally pranked himself and Angelina is still here. That is fucking harsh. How did he expect her to leave? I guess via her hair by Jenni?

Okay, they’re all out to sushi and Mike is ordering literally everything on the menu. They even have special fat music playing the background for it.

Vin: Mike is auditioning for Man vs. Food.

That is my favorite game to play also, so fuck off Vinny. Angelina is saying she’s realized her mistakes blah blah blah, and Snooki’s like, “oh I feel bad because I like her, but also, she has to leave.” This is fucking mean to invite someone and then kick them out for no reason. It’s like a 7th grade sleepover where you think you’re invited because they like you, but really they are trying to make you fall asleep first so they can stick your hand in a glass of cold water. Jenni was voted to kick her out. I can’t imagine that will go over well. I guess we’ll find out next week.

Images: Giphy (7)

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: Is Angelina Here Yet?

Last week, we left off with two scary-looking women at the house: Vinny and Angelina. Angelina has yet to make an appearance, but judging by her completely newly purchased face, she is still trash and I expect she will behave like trash when she finally crawls out of the sewer to bang on the door. Also? Do people who get total face reconstruction like that fear for their children? Like, you realize your kid will look like your old face, yes? Wtf is Kylie Jenner going to do when her little girl starts to grow up and has no lips and a handsome jawline? Anyway, let’s get into the Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 9 recap.

Snooks and Jenni are leaving to go see their kids that probably don’t look anything like them because they also purchased new faces. Doesn’t Pauly also have a kid? He’s just like, fuck that chick, I don’t need to leave all the reality show fun to see that little bastard. Deena surprisingly isn’t going home to see Chris, which means she will spent the next 72 hours sobbing hysterically about it, most likely from the floor. Pauly declares that they need to get rid of “Mean-a” before they go out that night, and sadly, I totally agree with him. Remember when Deena needed to tell Chris she disrespected him by accidentally falling to the floor? I have NO patience for sloppy drunks. It’s not that hard, guys! Have fun, don’t give a fuck about men, and keep your vagina covered. Those are the only requirements to not be labeled a sloppapotamus. I could be seven vodka sodas deep and as long as I thought to match my panties to my dress and continue to be a good time, I’m considered a class act.

All the guys are plotting to ditch Deena, it’s like Mean Girls: Guido Edition and Deena can’t sit with us. Pauly’s idea is to fly her back to Chris—like she could do that on her own if she wanted to, right? It’s not a great plan. Ronnie suggests writing her a note. He never fucking learns, this guy. Wow, they’re actually going with the flight-and-note plan. How could this possibly go wrong?

However, Deena is not exactly a Mensa scholar, so maybe she won’t get that they’re violently forcing her out of the house. She is also wearing a sweatshirt that I SWEAR TO GOD was going to be one of my sorority’s propaganda shirts. Like, the ones that you all wear the same day so that girls that didn’t get into your sorority cry about how uncool they are because they don’t get to match. This particular shirt has purple/blue lips and our adviser didn’t allow it because blue lips is apparently a drug thing (ecstasy? I don’t know, I’ve never been to Coachella) and our T-shirt chair was so pissed she fucking quit the whole sorority over this. Over this exact shirt.

Snooki: Notes are bad news so I hope this is a joke.

Is Snooki aware that she wrote the note last time? Like, not all notes are bad, just the one YOU wrote one time had bad information. And only because you guys were too dumb to just talk to Sammi when it was very fucking obvious that the only people who would tell on Ron were you and Jenni.

Vin: The original note is like the bible. You can’t rewrite that.

Isn’t Vinny like, actually religious? But okay. So this note is basically the same note as Vinny’s bible and loosely implies Chris is cheating on her. V interesting perspective to take on the whole “making this a positive” spin. Also Ronnie thinks appalling is spelled “a-Paul-ing”. As in Pauly, one of six words he knows.

All of us to Ronnie:

draco i didnt know you could read harry potter GIF

The back of the note says, “JK, you’re going to Jersey,” and Deena bursts into tears. In a surprising twist, Deena is overjoyed because she doesn’t want to spend the weekend with the guys. Good for you, Deena, you never have fun when you’re out with them anyway. But like, couldn’t she have just planned her own trip? Is she held captive because she doesn’t have kids? Ronnie and Vin violently hump each other to celebrate the girls leaving. What is wrong with men? I really don’t get this kind of thing, like they’re “joking” but they are still actually humping each other, so it’s not really a joke?

Why are the guys so excited to go out by themselves? All of MVP+R are in relationships besides Pauly, and he hasn’t brought a single chick home. He’s losing his touch. The only one getting girls is surprisingly Ronnie, but again, it’s super easy when your standards are beneath the floor. The guys freak the fuck out because there is a Sammi Sweetheart clone at the club.


I wish I made that up, but he legit just said that. Like, Ronnie, LET IT THE FUCK GO.

let it go GIF

The guys go get Fake Sammi, not to be confused with Doll Sammi. OMG, PAULY D wants to fuck Fake Sammi. Wow, I never knew Pauly wanted to fuck Sammi. She went for The Situation first and then Ron, it’s only fair for him to have his turn.

Mike with all the burgers and fries is definitely me when all my friends are with their dates. Like, I’m sorry, my animal-style fries never stand me up and text me 24 hours later saying, “oh sorry, I just got super busy.” NEVER.

Ronnie is now muttering to himself that Pauly fucking fake Sammi is disrespectful to him WHICH IS SO FUNNY because I thought she didn’t look like Sammi, Ron?! YOUR STORY IS FALLING APART.

How is this girl not uncomfortable fucking Pauly while 1) there are cameras and 2) Vinny is in the room watching while eating his burger???

I’m fucking loving the cuts back to Ronnie sitting on the couch, continuing to discuss with producers to what degree Fake Sammi looks like Actual Sammi. He’s just so excited to have any excuse to talk about her. He’s literally going through pics of her on the iPad. HOLY SHIT and then he called a cab to get rid of Fake Sammi? I wonder if Actual Sammi watches this, like his behavior is fucking Fatal Attraction at this point.

Definitely Ronnie to Sammi:

ignored glenn close GIF

Vin: Ronnie is not jealous at all.

Ronnie pulls Fake Sammi out of bed and shoves her out the door.

Ron: Now I know how Mike felt his whole life.

Hm, that’s so weird Ron, because you said you didn’t like Sammi anymore (after you said you were in love with her but w/e) and that this chick did NOT look like Sammi? I’m getting very sick of him, when does Angelina come fuck shit up?

Vin and Pauly: It seems like…. Ronnie… maybe sent home Fake Sammi… because… she looks like Sammi?!

It took them until the next day to figure this out. Mike and Ron somehow get in a fight.

Ron: You can’t have your cake and eat it too, unless you’re Mike.

Is that a fat joke, Ron? It’s 2018, that shit isn’t allowed anymore. Also, super funny he is aware of that expression considering he is constantly trying to HAVE AND EAT THE FUCKING CAKES.

Mike: You’re just an extra at the Shore House.

Ron’s drama is 95% of this show, unfortunately. If anything, Mike is the extra this season, all he does is eat in the corner.

Ron: You can finally put a sentence together.

Yeah Ron, it’s totally A-PAUL-ING. Oh wait, I just got it. Like a prison sentence. It’s fine guys, I spent $200,000 on college.

Mike: Similar to that clogged toilet upstairs, you’re full of shit.

Must we be reminded? They still haven’t gotten that fixed? Also, why do all the boys run around in a circle?

Ron: Where’s the bus stop, didn’t they take all your cars?

K, that one was pretty good. Let’s hope it doesn’t lead to Mike bashing his head into concrete again.

Jenni is having a “third” life-crisis. Does that explain why she’s been a total bore? The show would be the exact same if Jenni just stayed home. She used to get in fights and write notes and shit, and now she just wears glasses and purses her giant fake lips. The boys are eating cheese and looking at fancy cars. Mike lists his 200 Ferraris he used to have. I can’t believe the IRS managed to catch him with that kind of stealth? Snooks is helping her kids learn. Those poor, poor children. Also, this is making me fall asleep. I have no interest in the boys driving cars. I have no interest in Deena and Chris. Luckily, Pauly is always here for me when the show is getting too fucking dull, because he was forced to by producers calls Angelina. I’m actually grateful he called Angelina, that’s how bland this episode got. Poor Sex Doll Sammi is lying in the pool. She has seen better days. Sidenote: isn’t she electrical? Is that not a hazard to throw her in a pool?

Vin: The girls will be so surprised to see Angelina that their faces will actually move.

Angelina is obviously thrilled she’s coming, she missed out on a lot of fucking money by ditching the Shore twice. Oh good, the girls are coming home for the shit show.

What the fuck. We are almost done with the episode, and the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island hasn’t even come yet. Are they pushing this bullshit to the next fucking episode?

jersey shore whatever GIF

My biggest complaint with Angelina’s arrival is that her entrance was clearly filmed separately from Mike opening the door. Like how many times did they rehearse that? So awkward. And she has a fucking suitcase. So she’s staying???

Mike: I didn’t even know you were alive?

Me either, what has she been doing this whole time? Oh apparently getting engaged. Angelina’s engaged, for the third time, to a sanitation worker. Which is pretty funny considering she is trash. Also, Angelina has had three men want to spend the rest of their lives with her? Mike is mad that Angelina said he had a small penis. Like, really mad. Like the amount of mad you would be if you really do have a small penis and it was outed on national television. File this under Shit I Did Not Need to Know.

Oh good, the girls are here!

I waited the whole episode for this and nothing even happened yet. Bullshit, JERSEY SHORE, BULLSHIT. Someone better get punched next week!

Images: Giphy (4); MTV (1)