Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.
I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.
Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.
The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island. With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.
Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.
Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.
Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).
Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.
If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.
In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.
Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.
Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!
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Hey all! Marie here with my The Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 6 recap. I really loved this episode, probably because I was in it, and so was every cast member. The challenge really spoke to the different team dynamics and my ability to be hilarious. Hope you thought so too!
This episode begins at the redemption house, where CT has created a breakdown of alliances across the wall. I am impressed with his insight, and most of all, his creativity. I wonder if he paints. Based off of the very few string connections to Johnny, CT warns that Bananas may be in trouble.
At the main house we pick back up with Bratni and their 5-minute FaceTime. Britni is shocked to hear Paulie told Brad that she was sleeping with Chuck. She explains it’s a huge misunderstanding and sex isn’t the same as wearing a bikini. Brad walks out to the living room where about 15 of us tried to listen in on the conversation.
We are all such snoops LOL. Brad explains that pajamas to Britni are just underwear and that it’s not a big deal. Kyle tries to rally the entire house to hate Paulie as he warns what a prick he is. Kyle is trying to do what I would do: rally everyone against my ex’s new fling.
At night we get a glimpse of the hen room (Shane and I lived in the only 3-bedroom with a door, which was coined the insane asylum). At night, the roosters disrupt the single hens’ sleep with their love making. I am LOLing at Amanda telling Joss “Alright, show me your dick.” Amanda is bossy, I love her.
Zach and Tori are outside the next day chatting about the voting process. Since the rules state that if you are one of the teams that picks the team headed into elimination, you can possibly go into elimination, everyone is going to burn their vote. Tori and Zach agree not to vote for each other.
At night, the drinks are flowing and things are getting messy in the living room. Kayleigh suggests a rhyming game and Shane immediately interrupts and suggests “never have I ever” knowing that Faith and Kyle are there. Shane is messy. The game confirms Faith and Kyle slept together, and the house loves it. Cara hears the hollering from upstairs and is upset that she’s not in on the joke.
Shane continues to be shady and calls out Faith in front of Cara downstairs. Cara then tells Faith that she shouldn’t hook up with people who have had past relationships with vets… Okay, I just had to put my laptop down and stand up and clap for Faith. Faith, in her hilarious fashion, reminds us that she is, in fact, the only real vet in the house. I absolutely love Faith, huge fan.
Shane apologizes to Cara and is “sorry she is hurting.” Are you really though, Shane? You kind of created this drama, and I love you for it.
TJ visits Redemption, and the teams are introduced to the surveillance room. They show scenes of Faith/Kyle and BanAngela. Paulie realizes he got himself in some sh*t, and Natalie does what she always does and doesn’t express her real feelings. She wishes BanAngela the best. So do I.
We get to the challenge, where TJ tells us we are gonna blow off some steam. Cue an actual real train. Unfortunately this train isn’t going to Hogwarts like Faith and I would hope. The challenge is called “off the rails,” and I’m not sure if they named it after last week’s winners, Brad and Kyle. Brad and Kyle receive a significant advantage and get to hurt one team today by taking away a lifeline. My face says it all when they chose Cara and me. How exactly is this good game play? Also, I am honored. Nobody has ever tried to handicap me before. Thank you.
I try to make sure Cara stays calm during disaster, as we don’t want anyone else being bothered by us. Doesn’t seem like she’s gonna take the bait. In our round, Cara and I do fairly decent considering our handicap, and I tell to Twitter to kick rocks. Cara calls me Bambi because I probably look like a deer in headlights. Bananas and Tony also make it across, even though Tony is basically Clifford the big red dog.
Next up, Tori hopes Derrick won’t sh*t the bed, but he does. I actually feel bad for him at this point. Jozea and Davonne fall off at about the same place as Tori and Derrick. Cara and I celebrate their failures with a high five.
Next up are Kamleigh and Faith/Angela. Kamleigh falls early and Angela is happy she can beat killer/queen Kam/whatever Kam is calling herself these days. I laugh. No other team has completed the course yet.
Shane and Nelson go into their round with a fight and it ends hilariously. Nelson is not here for Shane and his drama. Both their team and Brad and Kyle can’t finish the first part. This makes Cara and me very happy. Thank God they don’t have the power.
In the last round, both Zach/Amanda and SLOSS are able to finish the challenge. Amanda warns that she’s also BIG and BAD like Zach, so to put some damn respect on her name. Zach and Amanda win, and Jozea/Davonne feel as if they’re doomed.
Back at the house, Cara and Kyle are apparently playing nice again, and I wish I could explain my face right now. Oh, wait. There it is! HAHA. I explain that this situation is annoying and try to break up this shindig. For all of those saying it isn’t my business, it is very much my business. This little love affair is completely bothering the whole house.
Zach, Tori, and Cara are outside discussing votes, and Tori explains they’ve done a great job of getting with strong players. Tori suggests they gotta go, and Cara says she’ll talk to me. Mind you, I never spoke to Tori. She only had discussions with Cara, and at this point, Cara still thought she ran our team.
I knew Cara wanted Angela/Faith, but I did not. I told Angela I wouldn’t vote for her. Knowing that Cara would most likely disagree, I made a plan with Kam and Kayleigh to burn a vote on each other. Burn votes are only cool when you agree on them. Otherwise, they burn a different type of way.
My cast mates go into nominations one by one, and it seems that everyone is confused as to what they are doing. Cara has convinced Tori that we are voting Angela and Faith. Fast forward to Cara and I, and Cara is talking to the little person that lives inside me, called “f*ck it.” My plan to burn goes out the window. However, Kyle/Brad seemed safe as we couldn’t see anyone else voting for them. Tori is pissed, as us changing our vote (or never fully agreeing to that idea) doesn’t give Angela/Faith the most votes because… and if Angela/Faith got the most votes they’d probably be choosing us considering the Faith/Cara situation and my broken promise to Angela. So?
Kyle catches wind of our votes and he and Brad flip out on Cara. I made sure to come out, so she didn’t get berated alone. But it didn’t matter, they definitely hate Cara and me now, whether they are vaginas or not.
We are trying to figure out the votes when Davonne and Jozea share that they didn’t vote for Angela/Faith, which keeps Angela/Faith potentially safe. Shane is fuming and makes the most hilarious face before he calls Davonne a b*tch. Note to self: Never call Davonne a b*tch. Almost nose to nose a new vendetta has formed, and Shane tells us that he’s a mean queen. Yes, yes you are. Johnny is once again a hypocrite and calls Shane a fake feminist. Coming from the biggest misogynist on the show? Shut up, John.
Tune in next week at 9/8c on MTV to see who actually got burned with so many burn votes! How’d you like this episode? Leave feedback in the comments!