Let me make one thing very clear: I fucking love to hop on a bandwagon. I spent 2020 making banana bread and posting purposely grainy-filtered photos of it. I rub Glossier products all over my face even though I know the difference of no-makeup makeup is undetectable to the naked eye. Vodka is my nemesis and I have a stomach as weak as Notes App apology, but I will order an espresso martini anytime there is one on the menu. But, there’s one trend I’ve successfully steered clear of, and that’s blowing a minimum of $1,500 on a Peloton bike.
It hasn’t been easy. At any given moment, there is Peloton propaganda clouding my peripherals. Although I’m almost certain I’ve never intentionally liked a meme that would joke about being “torn between looking like a snack or eating one,” Peloton memes sneak their way onto my explore tab at least once every 72 hours. My friends’ shaky clips depicting the motivational things Peloton instructors shout at them over Spice Girls music have officially knocked concert video Instagram Stories off of their throne. I don’t remember the last time I visited a friend’s apartment and didn’t see a Peloton bike lurking in the shadows like the ghost of a small Victorian child haunting a hotel in a horror movie. Peer pressure has not marketed anything so successfully since Apple rolled out blue bubbles for iMessages and green ones for texts, but still, I remain a Peloton-less individual.
For a brief moment last week, it appeared that the Peloton bubble had finally burst. (Warning: I’m about to drop a serious And Just Like That… spoiler, but I’m sure you’ve already seen it because as we’ve discussed, the Peloton girlies simply cannot keep quiet on social media.) In the first episode of the latest iteration of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw lost her dear husband Mr. Big after he suffered a fatal heart attack following a ride on a Peloton bike. Had Big perished at the hands of a more inconspicuous fitness regimen, such as the P.Volve P.3 Trainer or the Mirror Home Workout System, the internet would be much more focused on the true issue at hand: trying to figure out why the hell Carrie didn’t call 911 as soon as she realized Big was dying. Instead, HBO Max handed Peloton users yet another reason to talk about their bikes.
Luckily, Peloton has a genius marketing and PR team who have been training for this kind of a crisis ever since their Criminal Minds episode of a 2019 holiday commercial. According to a statement a Peloton spokesperson made to the Los Angeles Times, it took the company only 48 hours to pull together a clapback commercial featuring Chris Noth (the actor who plays Big), Jess King (the Peloton instructor who made a cameo in the show), and Ryan Reynolds (who famously roasted Peloton for their festive snafu two years ago). The video features Jess and a shockingly-still-alive Big chilling by the fire with a disclaimer that no, riding a Peloton will not kill you (might want to get a pulse check on your bank account and your living room’s feng shui, though).
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At the time of publication of this article, Peloton’s video has been up for two days and already has 2.5 million views. The internet went absolutely bonkers over it. Like, I have truly not seen people harmoniously agree on something so quickly and so passionately since we all ripped Gal Gadot a new asshole for getting her famous friends to sing “Imagine” a mere seven days after the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 a global pandemic. There’s no denying that Peloton’s response was impeccable, but the whole ordeal has me feeling a little cynical. On one hand, it smells like a cult when hundreds of thousands of people are sharing an advertisement to their personal social media accounts (for legal reasons, that’s a joke), but on the other hand… there’s never been a lonelier time to be a girl without a Peloton. I haven’t felt this left out since all my friends were getting sleek little Motorola Razrs and I had to stick with a clunky off-brand Sidekick because I had Virgin Mobile. As I clicked through at least a dozen Stories of people reposting the video with “genius” and “well played” captions, I couldn’t help but wonder: if life really is about the journey and not the destination… would I be happier if I spent all day riding a little bike to nowhere in my own living room?
Images: HBO Max; onepeloton / Instagram
On Sunday evening, after weeks of rumors, a Sex and the City revival series was officially confirmed. Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda will be returning for And Just Like That…, a 10-episode limited series on HBO Max, which is expected to begin production in the first half of this year. The new show, which was announced with a vague teaser video on Instagram, features Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis, and Cynthia Nixon, but as suspected, Kim Cattrall will not be reprising her iconic role of Samantha Jones.
Reactions to the reboot news have been mixed. Of course, many fans of the original show are thrilled to get another glimpse of their favorite characters, but not everyone is as enthusiastic. Samantha is arguably a huge loss for the show, and fans are wondering how the writers will address her absence. But besides the fate of any specific character, I *say it with me* couldn’t help but wonder, do we really need this in 2021? Sex and the City‘s depictions of sex and relationships may have been groundbreaking at the time it premiered in 1998, but the show has always been unrealistic, unrepresentative, and at times, highly problematic. While I expect the reboot’s writers to steer clear of some of the outright racism and transphobia displayed in the original (I hope), I have less faith that the new limited series will reflect the actual reality of 2021. Here are some ideas for the storylines that could happen on SATC if it was taking place in the real world of today.
Mr. Big Moved Out After Six Days Of Quarantine
Despite the second movie ending with Big’s romantic gesture of giving Carrie a black diamond ring, there’s no way their toxic relationship would actually last forever. I’m giving them some credit and saying that their relationship made it to 2020, despite some infidelity on Big’s part that Carrie chose to ignore. But they had already been drifting apart, and being forced to spend 24/7 together once the COVID pandemic hit New York was just too much. Well, actually 24/6, because he left before the first week even ended. Carrie hasn’t heard from Big since, other than receiving divorce papers in the mail (she hasn’t signed yet), but she heard from a friend of a friend that he was at the Hamptons party where Kimberly Guilfoyle got COVID.
Carrie Is Forced To Navigate The New Media Landscape
From the jump, Carrie’s lifestyle of designer clothes and fancy nights out never made sense with her theoretical salary, but in 2021, it’s even more difficult to suspend our disbelief. Other than writing an op-ed here and there, Carrie hasn’t worked in years, but with Big and his money gone, she no longer has the luxury of doing nothing. After prepping her resume—complete with a spritz of perfume—and sending it off to every major magazine and newspaper, she was dismayed to learn that the media landscape has changed a lot since the ’90s. She’s now trying to revive the Sex and the City brand with a podcast and newsletter, but with most of her OG readers in their 50s and settled down with kids, the new platforms weren’t the overnight success she was counting on. She’s currently trying to figure out how Poshmark works so she can sell some of her Manolos, but let’s be real, she’s never going to actually let any of those shoes go.
Miranda Adopts A Baby & Runs For Governor Of New York
Just like Cynthia Nixon in real life, Miranda has spent the last decade going through a big transformation. Bored with her law career and craving something more, she decides to adopt a baby. Brady is headed off to college in the fall, and all of a sudden, Miranda and Steve have their hands full with another baby. And on top of all of that, Miranda has decided to throw her hat in the ring for next year’s gubernatorial election. With a new baby and a new political career, what could go wrong? Literally everything, but somehow she’ll still end up winning. And despite being on the brink of financial ruin, yes, Carrie will be attending her inauguration in a brand-new designer outfit.
Charlotte Is A Closet Trump Voter
Charlotte is still happily married to Harry and busy raising her two daughters, but the current political situation in America is the main source of tension in her life. Charlotte has always been the most conservative of the group (she was in College Republicans, after all), but because Trump is a pig, she’s made the controversial choice to not vote for the last four years out of protest. Or at least, that’s what she told all her friends. But she actually secretly voted for Trump in both elections, and with her BFF Miranda running for governor on a progressive platform, her political secret is about to explode.
Samantha Died Having An Orgasm
There was never anything subtle about Sex and the City, so what better way to write off such an iconically sex-obsessed character? Maybe the first episode of the reboot will start with Samantha’s funeral—each of the ladies looking down at her grave, fondly remembering one of her more salacious sex-capades. Whichever boy-toy Samantha was with when she passed away will be trying to hide in the back row of the funeral, but the women will corner him and demand all the dirty details. At least Samantha died doing what she loved.
Images: New York Daily News Archive / ContributorNew York Daily News Archive / Contributor