Ever since I was old enough to subscribe to women’s magazines, I have had mixed feelings about them. While I am a believer in self-improvement, the barrage of articles telling me I should change or improve some aspect of myself made me feel inadequate. Never was this feeling more acute than after reading the sex tips offered by these magazines. I thought I was doing just fine in this area and had never received a bad review, but if these magazines were to be believed, I would need to stand on my head and breathe through my nose while blindfolded in order to really impress in the bedroom. I’m all for keeping things exciting, especially in the context of a long-term relationship, but I just don’t see the same dogged dedication to pleasing your partner covered in men’s magazines. So I have taken it upon myself to do the lord’s work and outline some things that men need to stop doing in bed. Feel free to share with the f*ckboy loving partner in your life.
1. Foregoing Foreplay
According to sex expert and OG betch Dr. Ruth, “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm.” While this shouldn’t be news to anyone in 2019, my past experiences and those of my friends sadly prove otherwise. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a specific subcategory of offenders here: men who refuse to go down on women. These creatures need to be canceled immediately, no questions asked. Be sure to throw the whole man away if he tries to make you feel like there is something wrong with your vagina. Assuming you’re showering regularly and not suffering from an infection in that area, the problem is him and not you. Any loser that tells you differently needs to be deleted from your phone. If you are one of the unicorn women who don’t need foreplay, that’s awesome (and who are you?), but like dessert at a restaurant, it should always be offered.
2. Mimicking Porn
Now that porn is more accessible than ever before, it has served as the basis for the sexual education of most men of our generation. While porn can be fun and useful when you need some new ideas, the depiction of the sex itself is rarely realistic. As we established in item 1, the vast majority of women don’t just come the second a man sticks his unlubed dick inside. And they definitely will not get off if their partner proceeds to pound away at them like a deranged chef making his finest chicken paillard. It’s difficult enough to have an orgasm in missionary; it’s downright impossible when the person on top of you is attempting to set some kind of record for most thrusts in a minute. Under no circumstances is the jack rabbit acceptable. Just. No.
3. Naming The Vagina
I’m not talking about words like “pussy” that, however you personally feel about them, have become part of the lexicon and would be unsurprising to hear in bed. I am referring to words that are a bit more out of the box (pun totally intended). To provide an example, I once had a guy ask me mid-hookup about my “na na.” After quickly remembering that I don’t call my grandma by that name, nor had this man ever met her, I realized, to my abject horror, that he was talking about my vagina. It was at that point that I went home and proceeded to never text him again. Not only was this extremely creepy, he completely ruined Trey Songz’s “Na Na” for me eternally, which is just unforgivable. When it comes to naming the nether regions, the motto is simple: when in doubt, don’t try it out. Dirty talk is great, but keep the nicknames to yourself.
4. Using A Cliche Sex Playlist
Personally, having sex to music isn’t my jam (though bad puns most certainly are). This might be the case because every guy I dated who was into doing this was a complete and utter tool, but I digress. I think incorporating music can be a fun way to shake things up, but if both people aren’t into it, it’s a recipe for awkwardness, especially if said playlist is a bit too on the nose. You already know what you’re doing, you don’t need the music to narrate the moment like some washed-up DJ trying to pump up the crowd at a third-rate bar mitzvah. Ginuwine’s “Pony” and Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” have no business on a sex playlist, and any guy that thinks otherwise is probably a virgin, or should be.
5. Entering The Backdoor Without Permission
Engaging in anal sex or any other activity involving the butt is a polarizing topic. There are some who love this kind of action, and others who want nothing to do with it. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, I think we can all agree that no great love story ever began with a sneak attack on an unsuspecting butthole. At best, you are in for some major discomfort, and, at worst, a literal sh*tshow. I recently heard a story about a girl who ended up with an actual hemorrhoid because some douchelord thought it was okay to bite her ass without so much as a warning. I wonder how adventurous he’d be feeling if he were on the receiving end of such a love bite.
I could go one for hours about obnoxious things guys do in the bedroom, but these five are definitely some of the most common and egregious. Any sexual relationship is always better if you can be open and honest about what you want, so if a dude’s definition of foreplay isn’t cutting it for you, demand better or ditch his ass. What are your biggest sexual pet peeves that I didn’t mention?
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
A lot of women forgo lube in their sexual exploits, and I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’re doing it wrong. It’s not just for old, dried up, menopausal women. Lube prevents injury, makes sex more enjoyable, and assists you in more complicated positions. If you’re stressed, old, taking certain meds, or your estrogen levels are fucked up (like around your period), lube can help you out. Also, if you married rich but the guy’s gross, lube will be your best friend (aside from spiking his spaghetti sauce with an Ambien to avoid the issue altogether). There are so many different kinds of lube, so here is what to use.
Water-based lube is a favorite for many reasons: it’s effective, it’s easy to clean, it absorbs into the skin, and it is safe to use with condoms. It’s also less likely to irritate sensitive skin. This particular one is paraben-free, hypo-allergenic, and vegan. Perfect for fucking your favorite hippie.
Sliquid H20 Intimate Lube
Oil-based is only for people who aren’t using condoms, as the oil can cause rubber to deteriorate. It can also ruin rubber toys, so plan accordingly. But it’s easy to find and totally natural. My vag doctor recommends just using Vitamin E oil as lube—it’s cheap af and healthy for both you and your partner’s skin tissue. Plus, you can use it as a moisturizer beforehand.
Trader Joe’s Vitamin E Oil
Silicone lube is thicker, doesn’t absorb into the skin, and lasts longer. It washes off with soap and water, but it has the most staying power. It’s especially useful if you’re having water sex and need a boost. You just can’t use it with silicone-based toys.
Swiss Navy Silicone Lubricant
If you’re looking for something thicker, or if you’re like the super religious girls at my high school who insisted on only doing anal so that Jesus would be proud of them for not having vaginal sex before marriage (seriously, not a joke, what the fuck is wrong with people?), you need something heavy like Astroglide. This is a classic and is a favorite among the porn and BDSM communities, so you know this shit works. It’s also water-based, meaning you can use it with condoms. Which I hope to God you use, especially if you’re doing anal, because I’m assuming that can get really fucking disgusting very quickly.
Astroglide Gel Personal Lubricant
Images: Amazon (4)
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I’m not going to lie, the research for this article was pretty harrowing. But between Urban Dictionary, Wikipedia, and Googling “decoded rap lyrics,” I’ve now compiled a fairly exhaustive list of sex terms you should probs know but I sincerely hope you don’t use all that often. While we’ve already covered sex terms you’ve heard and didn’t want to ask about, this list is kind of like the darknet version of that. Good luck, let’s dive in.
1. Eiffel Tower/Spit Roast
These terms describe what sounds like a nightmare I’m not dirty enough to come up with, but I guess could be sexually satisfying if you’re into group sex/extreme stimulation. Specifically, two people equipped with dicks will use those dicks on a third party, who’s on all fours between them (typically a woman, but TBH I don’t see why it needs to be). The middle person will be fucked in their preferred hole on one end, while simultaneously sucking someone’s dick and mentally making a note to add “skilled at multi-tasking” to their resume. If the two men in this situation stare down at their feet, it’s called a “spit roast” or “pig roast,” while if they high five over the third person’s back it becomes an Eiffel Tower. If you don’t understand why, put yourself in the mind of a fuckboy and picture the shapes that these three people are making with their bodies. Get it? Good, and I’m sorry.
Once the initialism is broken down, it’s pretty self-explanatory: ass to mouth. A guy puts his dick into an ass and then into a mouth, and does not pass go does not collect 200 dollars does not put it anywhere in between, like a shower or a giant tub of hand sanitizer (actually, that would probably not be a better alternative pre-mouth). Either way, sounds like E. coli waiting to happen, and I’m confused by why either party would find this hot.
Again, not much to this one other than the letters involved: it means “fat upper pubic area,” and the Urban Dictionary definition delightfully clarifies that it is commonly MIS-translated as “fat upper pussy area.” AKA this is something that can affect both men and women easily (take that, patriarchy!), but still seems pretty mean if used to refer to any human. Honestly, seems a little less like a sex term and more like a body insecurity you didn’t know you needed. I guess its geographic relation to the body parts you use for sex makes it relevant.
4. Rusty Trombone
Like the Eiffel Tower and Spit Roast, someone looked at the flesh shapes here and came up with an eclectic, non-quotidian image that vaguely resembled it. I guess there’s a limit to creativity when naming these things, but I wish the terms sounded less like they’d been coined by disgruntled circus employees. Anyway, a rusty trombone is when a guy has his ass eaten (“tossing salad,” if you recall from our last sex-term roundup) while the same person jacks him off at the same time. Is this what a trombone being played looks like? IDK, and I’m certainly not Google image searching this shit (and speaking of shit, please don’t make me explain “rusty” to you), so let’s just go ahead and trust the perv who came up with this.
Ugh, this is so my least favorite so let’s just get it over with. Remember creampies? This is that, but with butts. Urban Dictionary maintains it could also refer to sucking semen out of any old orifice, but usually it’s a butt. Sometimes a straw is involved. I’m trying very hard to maintain low judgment with these terms, to each their sexual own and all that, but oh my god. JUDGMENT.
6. Facial/Pearl Necklace
Now that we’re past felching, the rest of these are really just babytown frolics. If you’ve watched enough Sex and the City, or really any mainstream TV, you should know what this is. Facial (not the spa kind) is when a guy cums on your face. Pearl necklace (not the jewelry kind) is when a guy comes on your chest with a kind of precision I’ve personally never witnessed, “drawing” a necklace on you with his cum. The names of these terms actually seem kind of worse than the others, because it seems like men are trying to trick women into doing them by naming them after things that women already like. Like “hey honey, do you want to get a facial today? And then BOOM. Obvs hope this has never happened, but we know all men are trash and writing this article has only made me more cynical. Sigh.
7. Snowballing/Cum Swapping
Referred to as a sex “game” on Urban Dictionary, this is when people pass cum from one of their mouths to another person’s mouth. It’s like the “suck/blow” game from Clueless, only the thing you’re both sucking and blowing is semen. More cum may be added in this process, because I guess there’s just a procession of men at various stages of reaching orgasm, hence a “snowball” effect. I’m sad. I’m so sad now.
Another weirdly image-based and fairly common term. Teabagging is when a guy dips his balls into your mouth. Like teabags into tea. You’ve probably done this, your friends have probably done this, and if you didn’t know it was called teabagging before there’s really no need to start calling it that now. This is just an excuse to turn beet red when your next relative offers you a cup of tea.
9. Turkey Slap/Mushroom Stamp
This act just seems like a weird further fetishization of dicks by their owners, but it involves a guy slapping someone across the face with an “erect or semi-erect” penis. I’m not even sure if it’s meant to be sexual or some display of power, but it’s definitely the most aptly-named term on this list, right?
Turkey slapping is kind of a sub-category of Swaffelen, but I’m giving it its own entry because it was the Dutch word of the year in 2008 and that’s hilarious. It means “to hit one’s penis repeatedly against someone or something,” and it became the word of the year after a Dutch student was arrested for swaffling (verb form) against the Taj Mahal in India. Again, men are idiots who love their own dicks, and I need to go sob into a pillow now.
Will these words be integrated into daily descriptions of last night’s Hinge date? Dear God I hope not, but they do have their uses, mostly for knowing when guys are saying disgusting things around you and trying to get away with it by using weird code. Again, your sexual preferences are your own and no one’s business—but if you’re more Disney-Miley than twerk-Miley, seeing these terms in a potential cuff’s search history is a solid sign to run for the hills. Now get out there and scare all your friends at brunch by teaching them these terms.
It’s summer so naturally large bodies of water—be they natural or man-made, pool or ocean—are dotting our summer outings. But like, what if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/fuckbuddy feel the need to get freaky? Is it safe? Will you get some kind of flesh eating bacteria? We did the dirty work (like, literally and not so literally) of looking to find the answers for you across the interwebs (and my phone probably has a virus from that video I accidentally watched). So before you, uh, get wet (SORRY) this summer, read our tips about pool sex for a healthy, safe, and hopefully fun time.
1. You Will Need Lube
Alright now that we’re all uncomfortable, let’s dive right into this shit. It may seem stupid, but being in or underwater can actually reduce your body’s natural lubrication system which makes sex, er, not awesome. Try a silicon-based lube to avoid chafing. Obviously any water-based lube isn’t going to work as it’ll wash off. And speaking of which…
2. You Can Still Get STDs
I’m not sure what idiot would think you CAN’T get an STD once you add water, but, surprise, you can. If you don’t use lube, your chances of STDs and STIs goes up, since the chances of (I’m really sorry this is gross) tears to your vaginal or anal wall are much greater. Yeah, I threw the anal in there for you freaks out there. Kisses. Just a note—if you’re planning on using a condom in the water (hooray for safe sex) it needs to be put on OUT of the water and taken off out of the water as well.
3. Don’t Trip
if you’ve ever had shower sex, you know that firm footing is imperative. Same goes for your hot tub or pool endeavor. Make sure you and your special water-time friend have firm footholds before all the lunging, pushing, shoving, wtf-ever. Obviously, when it comes to a pool, the shallow end is going to be the best spot for this. Take cover, children.
4. Infections Abound
Hey it’s everyone’s fav part of sex—infections! Unfortunately, having sex in ANY body of water (pool, hot tub, ocean, lake) puts you at risk for some super gross infections including our favs—yeastys and UTIs. So like, just know that going in. Maybe just try some foreplay in the pool, and take the dirty dirty inside where it’s clean and dry—like a kitchen counter!
5. Don’t Break The Law
Soooo if you weren’t aware, sex in any form in public is super illegal. So, keep the underwater banging to your own backyard, the pool of a frenemy, or the hot tub of his ex. Teehee!
READ: 8 Vagina Myths You Should Have Stopped Believing Like, Yesterday
Anal sex hasn’t been taboo since Sir Mix-a-Lot’s ode to big butts in 1992, but somehow, Gwyneth Paltrow just discovered anal sex even though it is 2017 and rappers have long moved on to discussing the merits of eating out said butts. Do the lives of the fantastically rich and condescending never involve porn? Was her relationship with the dude from Coldplay so vanilla they never thought about using the backdoor? Yeah, most likely. Most importantly, how did she make it through 2015 without listening to “Truffle Butter”?? Because that’s a travesty in its own right.
Anyway, Paltrow just published an article on GOOP entitled “Reality Check: Anal Sex.” As anyone who’s ever ventured onto the site knows, GOOP is famously out of touch with the needs/wants/daydreams of anyone other than a fabulously wealthy heiress-turned-Oscar winner, and its treatment of anal sex doesn’t disappoint. For one thing, the article is an interview with a psychoanalyst, aka one of the least likely professions to have a normal take on sex. Like, I’m just waiting for this psychoanalyst to tell us that people are having anal sex to compensate for their anal-retentive tendencies and daddy issues or something. For another, it makes it sound like anal is some shocking new phenomenon instead of something fuckboys try for on the fourth date.
The article basically reads like it was written by your mom if she, too, was a middle-aged hippie trying to learn what the kids are up to these days. Which she might be—we don’t know your life. The first question is, “When did heterosexual anal start to become a thing?” Newsflash, Gwyneth: Anal isn’t exclusively territory of The Gays. Het couples have been sticking stuff up each other’s asses for as long as they’ve been getting bored and/or having marital problems. The only difference is that now, the internet makes anal porn way more accessible.
Then it concludes with the most pearl-clutching question of all: What do we tell the children about anal sex?? Honestly, it’s almost cute how naïve that is—sorry, Gwyneth, but the children probably already know way more than you do if they’ve ever spent five full minutes on Urban Dictionary.
Obviously, it’s not like getting backdoored (or doing the backdooring) is for everyone, and even couples who have anal sex on the reg are probably having vaginal sex, too. What makes the GOOP article so ridiculous is that it treats anal sex like something super out-there and shocking when it’s basically mainstream. Seriously, who hasn’t at least had a finger up there at some point? But I guess that’s why you shouldn’t get your sex advice from a lifestyle website run by a lady who recommends steaming your vag.
Btw, if anal still (miraculously) sounds appealing after all this, there are some things to keep in mind—first and foremost, buy a metric fuck-ton of lube and prepare to use it. Like, remember that scene in Old School when they wrestled in lube? Aim for that quantity. Your ass is used to things going in one direction, so it’s going to be super unhappy with a dick invasion unless there’s a whole lot of lube involved.
Also, practice relaxing so it’s not fucking painful. Think of it as the ass version of
Xanax kegels. And while we’re on the subject of things that could stress you out: Please, PLEASE, use a condom. Don’t let any fuckboy try to tell you it’s fine to go raw since you can’t get pregnant. NOOOO. The GOOP article actually had some good advice when the psychoanalyst dude pointed out that the skin up there is super fragile. Not only does it tear super easily—which means despite yours and every fuckboy’s first instict, you definitely shouldn’t do anal while you’re drunk, sorry—but it also gets STDs even more easily than your vagina. If your partner tries to argue with you on this point, ask yourself whether the hepatitis is worth it. Then promptly tell them to kindly fuck off. BRB, crying at the thought of anal hepatitis.
Anal sex obviously isn’t for the faint of heart, but if you want to and you’ve made it this far in this article without subconsciously clenching your butthole and cringing, go for it. Scandalize Gwyneth Paltrow 2k17?