After nearly a year of dating and countless walks around the block, not-so-subtly toting various Dunkin’ Donuts menu items, news broke that the unimaginatively named BenAna was no more: Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas have split.
Their breakup is playing out much like their relationship did, with their drama being thrown into my face every time I open up IG. Am I surprised they broke up? No. Am I surprised at how their very public breakup is playing out? A little. Tbh, I’d expect something like this from like, Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello. (Maybe it’s just because they, too, were fond of staged quarantine walks.)
Then again, should I be taken aback by this high school-esque post-breakup behavior (ill-advised haircuts and all)? Let’s take a look back. When they first started dating, Ana told her friends Ben is “the best boyfriend ever”. The couple even got matching necklaces. (At least they had the common sense not to get tattoos.) I wouldn’t be surprised if Ana made a shirt that said “I <3 Ben” and wore it under all her clothes.
A source told PEOPLE that their split was “mutual” and “completely amicable”, but if this is considered a friendly breakup, then all of my exes and I are best friends. For one, sources report that Ana was the one who initiated the breakup, and she did so via phone call. Is this 2008, and are we Joe Jonas? Ben and Ana have been together for a year, and Ana lives with the man! You’re telling me that she couldn’t have given him a heads up in person on her way out the door? She has to grab her sh*t anyway.
While the source insisted, “there is deep love and respect there”, Ben’s trash bin says otherwise. Yesterday, Ben’s cardboard cut-out of Ana was spotted being thrown out outside his home. The guy didn’t even bother to mask the fact that it’s Ana; he just tossed her nonchalantly for the garbage men, and paparazzi, to see. You’re telling me he couldn’t just burn the cut-out in his backyard? No, this was deliberate.
Ana, for her part, was a little more subtle in communicating her feelings, though we all get the message: she went ahead and surprised the world with some fresh micro bangs. I mean, who among us has not made a tragic and rash hair decision in the throes of a breakup?
So, to quote Cardi B, what was the reason for the split? Did quarantining together finally break the couple? Did they run out of Dunkin’ Donuts menu items to try? Did they simply get tired of taking unmasked walks and pretending to laugh at each other’s jokes? Did the paparazzi stop taking their calls??
For now, the prevailing narrative is that there are no hard feelings. A source told InTouch that the reason for the breakup was because Ana is “gallivanting” around the world without Ben, and it’s left him feeling lost and needy. According to PEOPLE, “Ana doesn’t want to be Los Angeles based and Ben obviously has to since his kids live in Los Angeles.” Another source reported that it’s because Ben doesn’t want any more kids, but Ana does.
The couple met in New Orleans in 2019 while filming the upcoming so-called “erotic thriller” Deep Water, and quickly went on a celebrity relationship press tour: first visiting de Armas’s home country of Cuba in March 2020 (mid-pandemic), and later going to Costa Rica. They were even photographed with Affleck’s children and ex-wife, Jennifer Garner, suggesting everything in the relationship was rosy. But alas, everyone runs out of photo opps eventually, and the relationship was not meant to be.
What’s next for Ben and Ana? Maybe Ben will toss her things on his lawn, or wear a T-shirt emblazoned with a shady message. Perhaps Ana will get together with a new man within the week, one who’s significantly younger than Ben. One thing we can bet on is a seriously uncomfortable press tour for Deep Water (and probably just as bad ticket sales).
Whatever the reason, I’ll miss this couple. Not because I thought they were necessarily a good match, but because their obviously staged paparazzi shoots and vague donut sponcon were a consistent tabloid fixture in these inconsistent times. I’ll stay refreshing Instagram, because I’m sure we haven’t heard the last from this couple, who was just as attention-seeking in their relationship as they are in their breakup. Even though something went wrong for the pair, at least they know how to do one thing right together: keep us entertained.
Images: BG004/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images
Last night, we all begrudgingly watched the 77th Golden Globes, officially kicking off the two-month long headache that is awards season. As always, the show was… whatever, with lots of shows and movies that you probably haven’t seen winning the awards. Don’t worry, we’ll do a full recap on all the highlights and lowlights in a bit, but for now it’s time to focus on what’s important: the red carpet. This year, Hollywood’s biggest stars paraded around in looks that ranged from stunning to stunningly bad. This red carpet really had it all: feathers, rhinestones, and Gwyneth Paltrow in a fully see-through Victorian gown. Yeah, idk either.
Here’s our breakdown of the best and worst looks from the 2020 Golden Globes red carpet, and if you disagree, I’ll see you in the comments. Drag me!
Worst: Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez has spent 20 years breaking the internet in gorgeous gowns, so I guess it was only a matter of time til she, well, f*cked it up, and I may be the only person brave enough to say it. Her dress looks like the Christmas poinsettia that my mom probably still hasn’t thrown away. Honestly, if J.Lo ever doesn’t know what to wear to one of these events, she should just throw on the jungle dress again. No one would complain!!
Best: Billy Porter
As has become tradition at every event he attends, Billy Porter said “f*ck gender norms” and shut down the red carpet. His sparkly white jacket with a full feather train is the exact amount of extra that I’m trying to bring in 2020. If you’re getting married this year, sorry, but I’m going to wear this and look better than you.
Worst: Taylor Swift
Taylor’s hair and makeup look great, and this is a pretty dress, but it looks like something I’d wear to a bridal shower, not the f*cking Golden Globes. However, the biggest joke of all was that Taylor Swift was at the Golden Globes not as Joe Alwyn’s plus-one, but because she was actually nominated… for Best Original Song from CATS.
Best: Ana de Armas
Ana de Armas was nominated for playing a woman who can’t stop puking in Knives Out, so I was hoping her look wouldn’t make me want to vom. She f*cking turned it out in this sparkly navy gown, so good for her. She has like five movies coming out this year, so she’s definitely one to watch.
Worst: Charlize Theron
To put it simply, Charlize Theron’s dress looks like it was inspired by the slime at the Kids Choice Awards. (I’m also getting slutty Jim Carrey in The Mask vibes.) Honestly, this dress would’ve been painful in any color (an exposed corset? Is this an unfinished Project Runway look?), but the choice to go with lime green is puzzling. Also, can we please, PLEASE not do capes on the red carpet anymore?
Best: Saoirse Ronan
Of all the people who showed up in dance recital rhinestones, Saoirse pulled it off the best. She looked classical and effortlessly beautiful, and she looks like she’s wearing a swipe of mascara and that’s it. The bitch.
Worst: Sofia Carson
We love Sofia, which makes this look all the more painful. This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts her: she took the top half of Ariana Grande’s fluffy pink top in the “Thank u, next” video (the one where she’s Elle Woods doing the Bend and Snap) and the bottom of a shower loofah. Really, loofah dresses should have never started, but since I can’t invent a time machine, they should have stopped last year. The hair didn’t help either… this reminds me of New Year’s Eve, when I tried to pin my hair up in a fake bob to look like a flapper, and it started falling out after one tequila shot.
Best: Kerry Washington
Olivia Pope don’t need no shirt! Minus the jewels that probably cost more than my parents’ house, this is the exact outfit I wore to every CEOs and corporate hoes mixer in college. I’m not mad about it.
Worst: Joey King
Joey King showed up in a couture look that’s like an optical illusion, but it didn’t quite trick us into liking it. Honestly, if she had just shown up dressed as Gypsy Rose Blanchard, I would’ve put her on the best-dressed list. Shame!
Best: Nicole Kidman
It feels like Nicole Kidman is nominated every single year, but she always looks great on the red carpet. Nicole is one of those people who can basically pull anything off, and she didn’t disappoint in this simple but stunning red gown.
Worst: Dakota Fanning
Dakota is one of the most beloved child stars, but I think she missed the memo that she’s no longer a child. This dress is pretty, but it looks like what the little girl wears to the fancy family Christmas party. I’m glad Dakota hasn’t become a mess like some other child stars, but she could stand to edge it up a little.
Stay tuned for our full Golden Globes 2020 recap, and like I said earlier, drag me in the comments.
Images: Getty Images (11)