Welcome to the 2020 Golden Globes! While us normos are actively avoiding any human interaction after three weeks of non-stop partying and soul-crushing fights with our family members, Hollywood is getting together for yet another rager. Well, technically it’s an award show, but what would you call a night filled with 1,500 bottles of champagne, rambling monologues, awkward run-ins with exes, that all ends with a trip to a fast food joint? That’s what I thought.
This year, the Golden Globes were hosted by Ricky Gervais, marking the fifth time he’s held the honor, and his first time hosting since 2016. Now, I’m a fan of Ricky because at his best he is scathing, and at his worst he makes everyone so uncomfortable you can actually physically feel the hatred emanating off of them, and that’s a reaction I’m very used to. What can I say, you like what you know. But I can understand if he’s not your cup of tea. Well, I can’t, but one of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more understanding and it’s only January 6th, so I’m being magnanimous. You’re welcome. Anyway, this year he was better than I could have even imagined. Ricky immediately came for the people who hired him, called everyone in the room dumb perverts, and made a “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” joke. If that wasn’t 90% of you after three cocktails at your office holiday party, then you’re lying.
Ricky Gervais 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/z4LxMWj9ev
— Jack McGuire (@JackMacCFB) January 6, 2020
Ricky started the show off super strong, and it only got more preachy bonkers from there. So instead of a full recap, which none of us have time for unless you were fired after said office holiday party, I’ve broken the show into highs and lows. Let’s get to it!
HIGHS
☆ I know I already talked about the monologue, but bear with me while I just say that Ricky throwing out the line, “It’s the last time, who cares” after every insult he slung at the HFPA is a level of who gives a sh*t that we should all aspire to. (Also, special shout-out to Ricky for calling out Leo DiCaprio’s refusal to date age-appropriate women.)
☆ In toasting the three nominations for Knives Out, Ricky Gervais took an easy shot at Cats, everyone’s least favorite movie of the year: “See what happens when you don’t dress people up as cats?” Boom. Roasted. Honestly, that’s gonna be my philosophy whenever I accomplish anything from now on.
☆ Ramy Youssef admitting during his acceptance speech for “Best Performance by an Actor – Comedy or Musical,” that no one knows who he is. Fine, I’m mostly including this because he’s from Jersey, HOW DO YOU ALL SEE THROUGH ME? Hooray, New Jersey! We will take over the world like we’ve been secretly plotting! Soon everyone will be referring to their hometown by their exit on the parkway mwahahaahahahhahah!
☆ Celebrities raising awareness for the bush fires in Australia. I legit think that’s the only reason they gave Russell Crowe an award, because no one I know even saw The Loudest Voice. If they wanted to watch Roger Ailes prey on women they just waited to see Charlize Theron in Megyn Kelly cosplay in Bombshell. But really, those fires are BAD. Please help if you can!
☆ Bill Hader and Rachel Bilson showing up on the red carpet together for the first time. If you’re not watching Barry, you’re missing out on one of the best dark comedies on TV, plus you’ve yet to realize that Bill Hader is stealthily hot. And Summer Roberts deserves her happy ending. I stan.
☆ Just like at the Emmys, Fleabag won the Best Comedy Series, and Phoebe Waller-Bridge won Best Actress for her performance. These were some of the least surprising wins of the night, but sometimes the best show wins for a reason. Now that Fleabag is over, I can’t wait to see what Phoebe does next, because the world is truly her oyster. When will the world be my oyster?
☆ Succession wins! Succession won best drama and Brian Cox aka Logan Roy aka possibly the most mentally abusive father in America won Best Actor. Damn, that show is good. I actually screamed at the end of the second season when something insane happens that I won’t mention here, because I don’t want to get lit up in the comments over spoiling something that ended months ago. So I won’t spoil it, but WATCH IT ALREADY. And we were BLESSED that Brian Cox won because it allowed us the absolute best moment of the night, a Jason Momoa in a tank top sighting. It’s like someone knew we needed to start 2020 out that way.
My sexual orientation is Jason Momoa in a tank top at the Golden Globes pic.twitter.com/h0wwCl47Oa
— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) January 6, 2020
☆ Kate McKinnon presenting the Carol Burnett award to Ellen. It was heartfelt, inspiring, and also funny. However, I was confused when Ellen said that people tell her that her show inspires them to go out every day and help people, and that’s what TV should do. The TV I watch inspires me to go out there and mercilessly mock Florida. Am I watching the wrong things?
☆ Brad Pitt’s face. Whoever is keeping Brad looking this refreshed is doing a fantastic job. It looks natural even though I know it’s not, and he could get it over Leo ANY. DAY. Fight me.
☆ While introducing Jojo Rabbit, Sacha Baron Cohen joked that Mark Zuckerberg is a “naive, misguided child who spreads Nazi propaganda.” LMAO. Where is the lie? Why do I feel like Sacha wrote that one himself? This definitely made some people in the room uncomfortable, but none of the other presenters had material that good.
Sacha Baron Cohen just roasted Mark Zuckerberg. #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/lc4m9WiTgc
— Lights, Camera, Pod (@LightsCameraPod) January 6, 2020
☆ Tom Hanks. Man, has that guy been in a lot of great movies. And THE EMOTION. Over his family. And he has a kid who is a white rapper and goes by the name Chet Haze! And he still loves them! For that alone he deserves an award.
☆ The cameraman who was smart enough to cutaway to Jennifer Aniston during Brad Pitt’s acceptance speech. I know some of you might be over this love triangle, but I didn’t invent it, and the media has made me invested in it for over half my life, so thank you, sir, for rewarding all the time and dedication I have put into this relationship. Now, if only her reaction had been more scandalous. We’ll have to work on that for next year, Jen.
☆ Also, Brad Pitt for acknowledging what we all know to be true, Leo COULD HAVE FIT ON THE DOOR and that Kate Winslet is a cold-blooded murderer. I also liked what he said about being kind to someone tomorrow. And I will, tomorrow! Today I have to write this recap.
☆ Awkwafina won Best Actress for her heartbreaking performance in The Farewell, and her acceptance speech was as funny as you’d expect. When she said “I told you I’d get a job, dad,” I really felt that. Way to stick it to dads everywhere that begged us to just be accountants.
☆ So I was about to put Joaquin Phoenix’s win on the “lows” list because I find him exhausting, pompous, and a little crazy behind the eyes, but then he called out everyone in the room for being hypocrites and I shrieked. Stop preaching about climate change and then hopping on your private jets, assholes! I loved it. Good luck at the after parties, Joaquin. Leo is not going to be happy.
Joaquin Phoenix did seem quite drunk BUT telling a room full of famous people to stop taking private jets to Palm Springs….you DO love to see it #GoldenGlobes
— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) January 6, 2020
☆ Michelle Williams won for her performance in Fosse/Verdon, and she used her speech as an opportunity to speak out on the importance of women’s rights, especially when it comes to abortion. She’s known for keeping her personal life very private, so to hear her speak so passionately was truly a special moment.
LOWS
☆ WHERE WAS LITTLE WOMEN?!! This movie was beautiful. I laughed, I cried, I remembered how much this story meant to someone like me, who fancies herself a writer. And the HFPA couldn’t give a sh*t about this movie. Couldn’t fathom how it would be important. Barely nominated it. It makes me believe everything Ricky Gervais said about them. Oscars, your move. Are you going to make me call you sexist trash bags, too?
☆ WTF was J.Lo wearing? Girl, we already know you’re a gift, you didn’t have to dress like the Christmas wrapping paper my mom bought at Paper Source on January 1st for 60% off.
☆ Laura Dern’s acceptance speech. I mean, she was funny, and charming, and she looked gorgeous, but the whole thing was hijacked by Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass. Come on, cameraman. We know she looked hot, but this is about Laura! Maybe film the winner’s acceptance speech from the front next time, and Google pictures of Gwyneth’s body at home later on your free time. This is your job, cameraman!
☆ Pairing Amy Poehler and Taylor Swift as presenters was BRILLIANT, because as you will remember, one of the years that Tina and Amy hosted the show they made a joke about Taylor Swift dating younger guys, and she responded later saying “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.” Which is something I still laugh about to this day because it was such an overreaction. But this presentation was a missed opportunity. They didn’t even address it! I couldn’t even tell you what they presented, that was how boring it was. The fact that they didn’t take advantage of this pairing just made it pointless. I know you had something to say Amy, YOU SHOULD HAVE.
☆ Jason Momoa put his jacket back on to present.
☆ I find it unbelievable that Unbelievable didn’t win anything. As a true crime junkie, I can honestly say that that series was a cut above the rest of the genre, and Kaitlyn, Merritt, and Toni each gave heart-wrenching performances. And seriously, WHO IS WATCHING CHERNOBYL?!
☆ Another year where the best actor in a musical/comedy was from a musical biopic. I love Taron Egerton, but if he was going to win for anything it obviously should have been Kingsman. It takes great talent to play a character named Eggsy without laughing.
☆ The presenters. As I mentioned earlier, they were all kind of nothing-burgers. Was Tom Hanks passing around his cold medicine at the pre-show?
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood winning multiple awards, proving once again that Hollywood loves nothing more than to jerk itself off.
That Pierce Brosnan’s sons, this year’s Golden Globe Ambassadors, were nowhere near as hot as Pierce Brosnan.
The length. Over 3 hours?!?! Did I spend 11 hours binging the entire season of Spinning Out just yesterday? Yes, but what’s your point?
At that’s all folks! Have a good day! As Ricky says, get drunk, take your drugs! Happy New Year!
Images: Jackmacdfb ,sbstryker, lightscamerapod, eiffeltyler/Twitter; enews, betches/Instagram; Giphy
There’s nothing quite like getting far too invested in a celebrity relationship, am I right? The unadulterated joy you get from projecting your fantasies onto total and complete strangers. The inexplicable rush upon seeing photos of them on a red carpet, looking better than you probably will in your whole life. The perverse satisfaction derived from “insider news” from “trusted sources” that definitely wasn’t planted by either of their publicists. It’s one of the simple, incredibly invasive pleasures of living in the 21st century.
But as the saying goes: celebrities, they’re just like us! Which means their relationships fail, even though we swore this time they wouldn’t. Except what’s different here is that the entire world watches and interjects their unwarranted opinions into what is already a horrifying and traumatic period of two people’s lives. Remember that time, in a blissful era where he wasn’t the leader of the free world, that Donald Trump tweeted (repeatedly) about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s breakup? Imagine that, but coming from every mother with a Facebook account across the entire world.
While many celeb breakups are expected, pre-ordained from the moment that first paparazzi photo hits TMZ, there are a handful of splits that managed to send shockwaves around the world, that seemed to rock the very foundation upon which the notion of love so perilously rests. These are their stories.
Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron
Listen. I know some of you don’t care about this couple at all and to that I have one thing to say: you’re wrong. Zanessa kicks off our list because, at the tender age of 14, I sat directly behind them on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and nearly burst into tears afterwards, so believe me when I say my world was rocked by this breakup.
Some of you weren’t in the midst of your painful and pivotal middle school years when High School Musical dropped—meaning your mid-pubescent romantic renaissance wasn’t awoken by the young love between Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez—and it SHOWS.
Zanessa were the embodiment of young Hollywood from approximately 2005–2010. They were simultaneously everything we wanted to be and everything we could never have. To this day I couldn’t tell you which one I was actually more jealous of, but just that I still think back on them fondly, quietly hoping that they do the same of each other.
Rachel McAdams And Ryan Gosling
Listen: God doesn’t give with two hands. You don’t get to look like Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling and then end up with Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling. You don’t get to play one of the most essential romantic couples of the 21st century and then live happily ever after together, okay?? That notion, while comforting for the rest of us, doesn’t make this breakup any less sad.
What did, however, make it almost unbearable was knowing that this kind of passion existed in the world and now no longer does. As if we needed one more reminder that nothing good can last forever.
That video looks like it was filmed on a flip phone in the pre-historic era, and that’s because it probably was, but it doesn’t even matter! No amount of terrible camera quality can dampen the raw passion of this scene. Please indulge me for a moment as we all take a stroll down memory lane to the 2005 VMAs.
The award was “Best Kiss” and the competition was nonexistent. The era was peak The Notebook fever, a time when we all actually waxed poetic about Alzheimer’s. This sequence, so choreographed, so perfect, so effortless in its ability to remind us that we are mere mortals existing at the leisure of an indifferent God, will live in infamy.
The “come hither” finger gesture? The effortless lift? The goofy smile on her face afterwards? The casual way Ryan Gosling strolls to the podium with Rachel McAdams resting on his hip like a basket of freshly washed laundry? Unparalleled, all of it. I don’t care if the rest of their relationship was utter garbage; it was all worth it for this sacred moment in pop culture history.
Will Arnett And Amy Poehler
You know how every time any notable celebrity couple breaks up and every single person in the universe takes to Twitter to say the exact same thing: love is dead!!!! Amy and Will were that first couple for me.
These two were a beacon of hope in my early-adolescence, a North star by which I could guide my own life. You see, Will and Amy instilled in me the (wildly naïve) belief that one day, I too could marry a man just as funny as I, and then we could live the rest of our lives together being funnier than everyone else. What can I say? I was young. I was innocent. I was still under the incredibly mistaken impression that Will Arnett was as funny as Amy Poehler.
Regardless, the end of Will and Amy was the end of an era, one in which we all breathed a little lighter and dreamed a little higher. At least we have their adorable, inexplicably red-haired children to remember them by.
Jennifer Aniston And Brad Pitt
This breakup wasn’t sad so much for the end of the relationship itself, but more so because of what it created. The end of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt kicked off a decade long, unnecessarily cruel Spinster Hunt, targeted at a woman who deserved not one bit of it, instead of the man who cheated on her. Weird, right? Almost like double standards exist or something.
You want to talk about life being unfair? Let’s talk about Jennifer Aniston. I mean, sure, she gets to look like Jennifer Aniston. But I think she earned those arms and the rest of that age-proof body after going through what she did.
First, her husband cheats on her with Angelina Jolie, another woman so inhumanely beautiful that it breaks my brain to imagine them existing on the same plane of existence. Then the two suffer a public, nasty divorce, during which constant media coverage compares and contrasts two women who have no business being pitted against one another.
From then on out, no matter the circumstance, Jennifer will be harassed throughout every relationship she pursues. If she’s happy and thriving, it’s a countdown to the inevitable doom. If it ends, for any reason whatsoever, headlines everywhere read “Will Jennifer Ever Find Love Again?” or “Jennifer Alone Forever.” The woman can’t win.
And now, nearly 14 years later, the rumors have started up again! Will they? Won’t they? What does Angelina think? What kind of woman takes back a cheating husband? How much more money can we squeeze out of this tired story?
Leave Jennifer alone! Let her live! Let her f*ck her stupid hot ex if she wants to! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!
John Krasinski And Emily Blunt
JUST KIDDING! But please take this as my formal notice that, in the event of this ever happening, I will be shipping myself to the convent that Katy Perry keeps trying to steal from those nuns.
Images: Giphy (5)
Schools are almost out, and it’s time to relax and let loose. And by “let loose” I mean stay in on a Friday night for some Netflix and chill. There are some incredible original movies coming to the streaming platform this month, like Wine Country and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. Two totally different movie night-vibes there, but excited for both equally the same. I mean, a movie directed by Amy Poehler, and another starring Zac Efron? That’s pretty much all I could ever ask for in life! And from my streaming service nonetheless! Is that sad??? Maybe. Do I care??? Nope. So here are the TV shows and movies hitting Netflix this month that we’re most excited about, plus a few that we’re well, not so much.
1. ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ & ‘Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,’ May 1st
If you’ve been getting out your DVDs or VHS tapes to watch your favorite Austin Powers movies, then you’re an idiot and very behind on the times. But, no need to beat yourself up, you can now sit back and relax because these iconic movies will be available on Netflix as of May 1st. And, as if people don’t overuse Austin Powers movie references enough, expect them to be in full force this summer with these two titles now available for streaming. Guess you could say it’s both a blessing and a curse.
2. ‘Knock Down The House,’ May 1st
When I first saw this movie title, I assumed it was some Netflix interpretation of Bringing Down The House, an iconic cinematic masterpiece that I’d be super on board for a revival of. Unfortunately, it’s not. And even more unfortunately, it’s a political documentary. Again, I’m not the ideal customer for this kind of sh*t, considering my tastes in entertainment are superficial and far from deep. But, for those of you with more complex taste than myself, this documentary documents (woah, imagine that) four progressive women who ran for Congress in the midterm election, and one candidate’s ultimate success in doing so. It’s said to be hopeful and inspiring, so maybe I will actually put a pause on re-watching old Vanderpump Rules episodes to give this one a shot. I mean, I could use some hope and inspiration from someone other than Tom Sandoval to get me through my week, so we’ll see.
3. ‘Chasing Liberty,’ May 1st
Chasing Liberty is the epitome of a classic rom-com from the early 2000s. I mean, you have Mandy Moore at the height of her being Mandy Moore, playing the president’s daughter who can’t get the secret service off her back long enough to actually date boys. Tragic, right??? Tbh, idk if I’ve ever actually even seen this one, or if I’m just confusing it with that Disney channel movie with Hayden Panettiere that had basically the same exact plot. Either way, I now can’t get the song “My Date with the President’s Daughter” out of my head. Honestly, such a bop.
4. ‘Wedding Crashers,’ May 1st
Like, if this isn’t the best movie ever for staying in bed all day hungover, then I don’t know what is. Everyone loves Wedding Crashers, and this classic comedy hits Netflix this May, just in time to cure your Memorial Day hangover. Thanks for thinking of us, Netflix!!! It almost negates the fact that you’re increasing your monthly fee. Almost. Then again, wtf do I care, I don’t pay for this. Shouts out to whoever is, though, I appreciate you!!
5. ‘John Carter,’ May 2nd
I’m going to be honest, this is one I’ll probably skip. I had actually never even heard of this movie so I asked my sister’s boyfriend, who is a TV and movie connoisseur, about it and his exact summary was, “it’s a SciFi movie with good actors and a cute love story.” And sorry, but like, ya lost me at “SciFi.” I’m a religious watcher of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so needless to say, I’m not really a SciFi gal. But for those of you interested, it’s a Disney movie based on a book, and is about an ex-military captain who somehow randomly wakes up on Mars (talk about the Sunday scaries) and is now faced with saving a bunch of randos. I mean, talk about “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.”
6. ‘Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile,’ May 3rd
If you didn’t fall in love with Zac Efron as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, then you’re either too young or too old to be here rn. Stop what you’re doing and go watch this instant classic I think we can all agree that Zac Efron is a babe. And he has only gotten hotter with age. HOW?!?! And he’s going to be playing Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killing heartthrob??? Sign me up! I mean, in all seriousness, it’s kind of dangerous that he’s playing this character. It’s totally just going to further confuse hopeless romantics everywhere, making them believe that the serial killer-like tendencies of the guy they’re dating (but like actually, beyond just not texting you back for three days) are just something you can “fix.” Just kidding. But I will be excited to watch this.
7. ‘Lucifer’ Season 4, May 8th
So like, I don’t watch this show but maybe I should, because people are pretty hype for its return. Season 4 comes to Netflix this month, and like I just said before, people are stoked. Apparently, this show has some real stans because after it was canceled by Fox after season 3, fans campaigned for it to come back. I mean, just because something has passionate, loyal fans doesn’t mean it’s a winner *cough cough Donald Trump* but this show does look kind of good. And the lead guy is hot as sh*t, so that’s probs reason enough for me to give it a whirl.
8. ‘Wine Country,’ May 10th
Well, when you have a new movie starring half the adult cast of Mean Girls, you know you’re in store for a treat. Not to mention, it also has Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, and Paula Pell. Plus, as if that star-studded cast isn’t enough, the whole thing is directed by Amy Poehler. Expect your Insta feed to be flooded with stories of girls having wine nights together to watch this movie. And no shade to them, cause I’ll be grabbing my gals and doing the same. I mean, the premise is a girl’s weekend, very basic plot line. And like, if the cast wasn’t so good, then it would probs be a movie I’d never see. But, with a cast of women who genuinely make me laugh with everything they do, I’ll have this in my queue the day it comes out.
9. ‘Wanda Sykes: Not Normal,’ May 21st
Wanda Sykes’ first one hour Netflix special comes this month, titled “Wanda Sykes: Not Normal.” Apparently the special surrounds our current f*cked-up political and cultural climate. And considering how f*cked-up the world truly is right now, there’s no doubt in my mind Wanda will have some great jokes for us on the matter. Bring it on, Wanda.
10. ‘When They See Us,’ May 31st
This is a limited miniseries surrounding the wrongful conviction of five men of color over a female jogger who was beaten and raped. It’s based on the true story of the Central Park Five and documents the breakdown of our criminal justice system. Honestly, the trailer is chilling, and if that’s not enough reason to watch, recently admittedly guilty Felicity Huffman is a main character in the drama. And, she’s playing the assistant district attorney who presided over the case and was a huge contributor to the infamous f*ck-up. Ironic, I know.
There are tons of other popular titles on the list coming for May that I’ve heard of, yet haven’t seen. So if I didn’t mention your beloved movie or show (like, relax Hairspray stans) there’s no need to come for me. Feel free to utilize the comments section for good, and promote said movie or show that you clearly feel so irrationally passionate about. If that’s what helps you sleep at night, who am I to stop you?
Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)
The devil works hard, but Netflix works harder. After dropping enough true crime documentaries to entertain me into the next century, and a new thirst trap movie starring none other than everyone’s favorite internet boyfriend, Noah Centineo, they have done one better and made a movie starring our favorite female comedy trio: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph. That’s right. The gang is back together again in a new movie called Wine Country, out May 8 in select theaters and May 10 on Netflix. Wow, so rude that Netflix would make all my dreams come true by putting three of my favorite women together in one movie, and then crush all those aforementioned dreams by making me wait a whole month to see it. I feel scammed, hustled, hoodwinked, led astray!!
Wine Country is one of those comedies about longtime best friends—think Bridesmaids or Girls Trip. In it, Amy Poehler’s character, Abby, plans a 50th birthday Napa getaway for her friend Rebecca (played by hilarious SNL alum Rachel Dratch). Along for the ride are the rest of their crew: workaholic Catherine (Ana Gasteyer), post-op Val (Paula Pell), homebody Jenny (Emily Spivey), and weary mom Naomi (Maya Rudolph). As you can imagine from your own encounters with wine, once these ladies get a few glasses deep, things get out of control. I mean, the last time I went on a wine tasting, I went from zero to “so I don’t think I’m capable of love” real quick, so I can only imagine what’s going to happen in a comedy directed by Amy Poehler.
I’m not saying Wine Country is going to be the next best thing since Mean Girls, but I will say that with this cast, I’m probably going to watch it. (That’s saying a lot coming from me—I don’t tend to watch movies on Netflix because I have commitment issues picking one.) I just hope that with this star-studded cast, Netflix doesn’t bamboozle us and give us a bad movie. Only time will tell! Wine Country drops on Netflix May 10, so I’m going to stock up on my favorite sauvignon blanc just in time for the occasion.
We love our moms. Seriously. They’re always there for us, and we don’t know where we would be without them. But wouldn’t it be fun if your mom was not just a cool mom, but a famous mom? In our alternate fantasy life, we could be on red carpets and living in some palace in Hollywood while our parents make millions. Like, did any one else see Francis Bean Cobain at the Met Gala and think, “if only my mom had been a famous heroin addict who may or may not have killed my dad. Then that could be me!” Or how like, Jaden Smith is just allowed to do whatever tf he wants (like bringing a handful of his own human hair to that very same Met Gala). It’s like, God mom, did you really have to spend all that time working hard and raising us when you could have been trying to get famous? Like, what were you even doing before you had me?
Okay so, JK, but in the spirit of Mother’s Day, here are the top celebrity moms we want to adopt us, because it’s fun to dream.
1. Blake Lively
Blake Lively is basically the dream mom. She’s beautiful and smart and funny and she loves to cook and she has a hot husband and can you tell that we like her? We’d get to live in a beautiful home in upstate New York, and the once or twice a year we’d get to go to a movie premiere. Sounds like a sweet deal to us.
2. Beyoncé
Blue Ivy is basically the princess of the world, which is what happens when your mom is an actual goddess. Like, I honestly dare anyone to show me a person who looks better pregnant than Bey. Her maternity fashion is on point. And considering she is already prepping for the arrival of her twins, so why not just adopt us at the same time? She’d barely even notice we were there.
3. Katie Holmes
This might seem like a surprising choice, but think about it. First of all, Suri was always the most stylish celebrity toddler, which is right up our alley. And now that Katie left Tom Cruise and all that Scientology bullshit behind, Suri is probably loving life. Also, we’d basically have Jamie Foxx as a stepdad now, and everyone loves a hot stepdad.
4. Meryl Streep
Not gonna lie, it would be pretty cool to have a mom who’s literally a national treasure. Her daughters are successful actors now too, which means Meryl did a pretty great job of raising them. We just need Meryl to hug us every day and tell us we’re beautiful, is that too much to ask?
5. Carrie Underwood
First of all, we really would love to inherit her flawless legs. We know that’s not actually how adoption works, but a girl can dream. Also, it would be pretty awesome to have her sing us to sleep every night. She also probably has a lot of hot country singer friends that she could set us up with. And if any guy ever cheated on us, mom would know exactly what to do.
6. Reese Witherspoon
If you watched Big Little Lies, this should be a no-brainer. You would always have a beautifully packed lunch to take to school, and she would argue with your teachers until they gave you good grades. She’s definitely the mom who’s basically your big sister, which is perfect for talking shit.
7. Natalie Portman
Natalie is perfect and has the body of a small bird, so we would definitely love to get some diet and exercise tips from her. As an Israeli-American, we’d also get Israeli passports, and she’d be sure to throw us an insane bat mitzvah. L’chaim, Betches.
8. Rachel Zoe
We want the clothes. There is no other reason.
9. Michelle Williams
First of all, Michelle has raised little Matilda as a single mom, which is the most badass thing. She also has incredible style and just seems like a person who has her shit very together. We’d love her motherly advice on how to pull off short hair, and also how to wear a choker without looking like a basic bitch.
10. Chrissy Teigen
Let me first just say that this is not a ranking and Chrissy is only number 10 because we wanted to build up the suspense. Of fucking course Chrissy would be on this list. Chrissy is gorg and a casual swimsuit model AND she’s hilarious af, especially on social media (aka the only place that matters). Chrissy is also an amazing cook and if we lived with her and John Legend (#swoon), we’d probs get fat but we’d honestly be okay with it. Actually, I’m not sure if I want Chrissy to adopt me so much as I want to BE Chrissy…
11. Tina Fey/Amy Poehler
Our ideal life situation is being co-parented by Tina and Amy, both of whom are just the best. Their kids are guaranteed to be funny and independent, and we really want to get in on it. Also, like, they’re rich AF.
