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The first of the month is a tricky time, because on the one hand, I’m getting paid, but on the other, my rent is due. Luckily, my rent check doesn’t manage to find its way to my landlord until around 9am, which is four hours after my direct deposit hits, so I’m rich for approximately four hours. It’s the little things. Anyway, let’s be real, we all love the start of a new month because it means new Netflix content, and by content, I mean the ninth season of Shameless and about 100 other shows/movies. An updated Netflix homepage is always exciting, but it’s especially so in September, because it will give you something to do when your friends ask if you want to go apple picking and you realize you’d actually rather rip your eyelashes out one by one. Seriously, if Instagram didn’t exist, would anyone over the age of seven go apple picking?? I digress.
Because Netflix is adding more content to their platform than my sister-in-law to her Instagram story during her bachelorette weekend, I’m going to save you some time and let y’all know which shows/movies are actually worth watching. Full disclosure, after admitting that I thought Tower Heist was a quality film back in the day, I’ve since been accused of having bad taste, so take this list with a grain of salt. Here we go!
Honestly, I blame my test in men on this movie. Like, why couldn’t Patrick Bateman be ugly? If you haven’t seen this movie, now is your moment, because it’s early 2000s amazing. To sum it up, American Psycho is a documentary about mental health. Jokes! It’s a thriller that, tbh, is pretty funny because it’s basically Bruce Wayne’s life if he didn’t become Batman. Does that makes sense? All in all, this is a great movie for any occasion and if any of your friends protest, they should not be a part of your life. That’s all I have to say.
‘The Walking Dead: Season 9’
Look, zombies just aren’t my thing. Sorry if that offends anyone. Obviously this show is good, though, since it has almost as many seasons as Friends! If this also doesn’t sound like your jam, maybe this helpful description from IMDB can change your mind: The Walking Dead tells the story of the months and years that follow after a zombie apocalypse. It follows a group of survivors, led by former police officer Rick Grimes, who travel in search of a safe and secure home. Well? Are you sold?
I mean, is there a movie better than Superbad? Anyone? Bueller? What I love most about it, aside from the period pants scene, is the fact that none of the stars were that famous when it was made. Like, Bill Hader had played very minor parts in a bunch of sh*t I’ve never heard of, Jonah Hill’s only claim to fame (kind of) was the teen version of Adam Sandler’s creepy son in Click, and two roles before her stint on Superbad, Emma Stone guest starred in an episode of The Suite Life of Zack & f*cking Cody. My mind is truly blown. Anyway, the fact that this movie is so amazing even though it stars Michael “Whiney Boy” Cera essentially playing himself is a tribute to quality films everywhere. If the whole McLovin storyline was taken out, this movie would be like a more realistic version of Project X. My point is that Superbad is a great example of a perfect movie. Watch it.
‘Shameless: Season 9′
Emmy Rossum in Shameless is legit my spirit animal. She’s obv the definition of a hot mess, but I love her for it. Remember that time she left her cocaine out and her toddler brother subsequently had a bad trip and she ended up in jail for approximately one week? Same. This show is very complicated and has as many layers as it does members of the Gallagher family, so explaining what it’s about is kind of hard, but I’ll try. There are six kids and one deadbeat dad, Frank Gallagher, living the good life in the South Side. You know how when you rewatch Game of Thrones, you temporarily lose your mind when you realize that Arya, Bran, and Joffrey (ew, bye) were all legit children when the show started? Shameless is like that. And that is the only thing that Game of Thrones and Shameless have in common! It’s a great show because it’s funny and dramatic, so if you want to laugh and cry a the same thing, Shameless is for you.
‘Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.’
There is only one person who can get away with a title like this, and her name is Chelsea Handler. There isn’t much info on this, so I will say what Wikipedia, my most quoted source in college essays, said about it: “Hello Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea is an upcoming 2019 documentary directed by Alex Stapleton and starring Chelsea Handler. The premise revolves around examining the concept of ‘White privilege,’ the societal privilege that benefits white people over non-white people.” A little racy for the times in which we live? Seems that way, but knowing my girl Chelsea, she’s going to make it funny.
‘Surviving R. Kelly: Season 1’
Like “Trapped in the Closet”, the R. Kelly documentary has a few parts. The similarities end there, aside from their involvement with R. Kelly. The documentary is a very vivid detailing of the sexual abuse allegations against the rapper/singer/alleged sex cult leader, so watch at your own risk. It’s obviously a very timely documentary considering the #MeToo movement is still very relevant, and it got amazing reviews. This is a must-watch.
‘American Horror Story: Apocalypse’
Truth be told, I cannot handle anything even remotely scary. Don’t believe me? I couldn’t make it through Pirates of the Caribbean three years ago when I was 23. So you can imagine just how many times I sh*t myself when a friend forced me to watch the Asylum season of this show over Memorial Day weekend. It was f*cking terrifying, and I can’t picture just how gut-wrenching the other seasons are. I refuse to watch them, but here’s what I know about Apocalypse: It revolves around some sort of nuclear explosion and is a crossover between seasons one and three of this godforsaken show. I started to read the Wikipedia episode summaries, but got too freaked out after the third one, so all I can tell you is that the apocalypse happens and the prettiest members of society are chosen to be saved…for now. K.
‘My Sister’s Keeper’
If you want to cry and never stop, watch this movie. It’s based on the Jodi Picoult book about a teenage girl, Kate, with a fatal cancer diagnosis. Not to worry, her parents try to save her by designing their third child, Anna, to be medically compatible with her dying sister so that doctors can take her blood, bone marrow, organs, happiness and give them to Kate. Just fun sister things! As you can imagine, this movie is sad af and Cameron Diaz deserves an award for it. I haven’t seen it since it came out 10 years ago (f*ck, I feel old), but the two things I remember about it are the fact that the movie ending is the complete opposite of the book ending, and that Kate had a v promising future as a professional scrapbooker. Did I just ruin the whole movie? My b.
‘Eat, Pray, Love’
I’m just going to say it: this was no one’s favorite movie, because we expect Pretty Woman energy from Julia Roberts at all times. She’s kind of whiney in this “watch me find myself while I blow all my money on exotic journeys” story. It’s the kind of movie you’d watch if you’ve already seen all you’ve wanted to see on Netflix, but it’s only 9pm and you need to watch something. I respect her food choices and the blond hair, but that’s about it.
‘The Great British Baking Show’
I better speak for all of us when I say HELL F*CKING YEA, FINALLY! If you are not watching The Great British Baking Show, I literally don’t know what you are doing with your life. Here’s how I describe this show to literally everyone: it’s the opposite of every American cooking competition show. Everyone is nice to each other, there is no sabotage (in fact, the contestants know ahead of time what the challenges will be so they can practice at home), and the format of every episode is exactly the same. It’s incredibly wholesome content, and a 10/10. Starting August 30, new episodes will drop on Netflix every Friday.
To end on a sad note, there are a few gems leaving Netflix this September. Batman Begins will bid us adieu, which I guess is okay since we get another prime Christian Bale movie? The best disney cartoon, Hercules, will also be peacing out in September and I am genuinely bummed about it. After just a few months, Magic Mike will be body rolling off Netflix and hopefully onto Amazon Prime or Hulu because I am not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Music & Lyrics, Mulan, the opposite of Titanic AKA Revolutionary Road, and The Hangover are also leaving Netflix to go apple-picking this September. It’s been real, but I’m very much down for the new shows/movies to stream!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (6)
In honor of the glory that was Big Little Lies, we need to just take a moment to appreciate the queen that is Reese Witherspoon. You may be asking, like, wait, is Reese even a betch? She seems kind of nice girl-ish to me. But while Reese may be super nice, she’s no basic nice girl. She gave us Legally Blonde so she’s grandfathered—er grandmothered?—in to the group. Kind of like how Rachel McAdams seems like she is mostly a narc in real life but she played Regina George so she is automatically betchy forever. It’s like, a betchiness lifetime acheivement award or something. Reese’s contributions to the genre just cannot be ignored. So, in honor of all of the acheivements Reese has made to amplify the voices of betches everywhere (not that we really need it but whatever) we’ve conveniently ranked her best work.
What, like it’s hard?
10. ‘Hot Pursuit’
You probably forgot that this movie even exists or just had it really confused with another female buddy-cop movie like The Heat or that one with Melissa McCarthy and the guy from Arrested Development. But this is an actual movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Sophia Vergara and it came out in 2015. Let’s just say, the reviews were not great. It scored a whopping 7 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Not your best work, girl.
Tobey Maguire plays Reese’s weird brother who is obsessed with a TV show from the 50s, so much so that he gets them both trapped in the black-and-white world of the show. Tobey’s character was definitely one of those Make America Great Again types who, when actually sent back in time, realized that despite being straight white male, the 1950s fucking sucked. Maybe we can do this for the Trump supporters?? Somebody get to work on this. Anyway, Reese played Tobey’s slutty sister who fucked shit up by opening these 1950s dudes’ eyes to the wonders of sex. But then in some Freaky Friday-esque twist, Tobey ends up realizing modern times are better and Reese realizes she’d rather be stuck in the 50s. Pleasantville was an enjoyable movie and I’ve seen it like six times with my family, so it’s not Reese’s worst movie, but her character actually does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nice girl which I do not appreciate in any way. Ninth place.
Reese stars as the iconic Tracey Flick who, though she was a dork, was kind of a ruthless betch who stopped at nothing to achieve her goal of becoming student body president. It’s basically 90s movie gold. That hot-ish guy from the American Pie movies is in it too. Anyway, Tracey is so driven and empowered that she drives one of her teachers literally insane, a sentence that could also describe my high school experience. Reese might be annoying AF in this movie, but in true betch fashion, she gets her way in the end. Still, I don’t think anybody saw this movie, and I had to Google it to make sure this wasn’t the one where Will Ferrell and Zack Galifinakis are running for political office against each other, which says a lot about the lasting power of the film IMO.
Sure, Wild is a movie about hiking, which I mean, gross, but anyway, it’s still watchable. And it was maybe nominated for an Oscar, unless I’m just making that up? Based on Cheryl Strayed’s book of the same name, we follow Reese on the mission of an independent-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man hiking the Pacific Coast Trail. And now I’m getting Eat, Pray Love PTSD flashbacks, ugh. Where this movie beats out Julia Roberts’ self-indulgent pasta-fest, though, is that Reese’s character swears a lot and ends up throwing a pair of ugly boots off a cliff. I mean, if I was forced to hike for more than three minutes I would do the exact same thing. Don’t put me down for hiking, I’d legit rather be eaten by a bear.
6. ‘This Means War’
Was this her best work? Of course not, but I had to include it on the list because what isn’t betchy about two really fucking hot CIA agents fighting over you? Especially if one of those dudes is Chris Pine. I mean, really. Also, Chelsea Handler played her best friend in this movie. Every betch should have Chelsea Handler as a best friend. Not a great film, but something you could definitely watch on a hungover Sunday morning, meaning it passes the Betchdel test.
5. ‘American Psycho’
Did you forget Reese is in this movie? Yeah, probs. DW about it, Reese probably forgot she was in this movie, too. She has a minor role as one of Patrick Bateman’s posh Manhattanite girlfriends, which we obviously connect with on a personal level. Spoiler alert, she doesn’t get murdered in the movie—another plus. In fact, I think she might be in maybe two scenes. Nonetheless, American Psycho has had kind of a resurgence lately—possibly because of Scott Disick’s physical and mental resemblance to Patrick Bateman, or the fact that the title can also serve as a two-word biography of our current president—so this seems like a good time to mention that Reese was not only in it, but seemed like a pretty decent match for Christian Bale in that role.
4. ‘Walk The Line’
The role of June Carter earned Reese an Oscar. That’s right, her portrayal of Elle Woods wasn’t the role that won her the hardware. Shame. Anyway, props to her for winning an award and getting to hang out with Joaquin Phoenix before he got all weird. Even as a brunette, we can still get behind her being the apple of a fake Johnny Cash’s eye. Like, also, of course she can sing. Because Reese Witherspoon is basically perfect, and why would you think otherwise?
3. ‘Cruel Intentions’
This was probably one of the first rated R movies you wanted to see. Sure, you could watch an edited version on TV, but it really leaves out some of the good stuff, including the insane amount of swearing these supposed high schoolers do. If you didn’t think Ryan Phillipe was hot as shit in this movie, who even are you? He was the king of fuckboys, but still hot. Aparently Reese thought he was alright too because they ended up getting married. Also, that kiss between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair was iconic. So yeah, even though Reese is kind of the designated “nice girl” of this movie, Reese had to selflessly assume that role so that all of SMG’s betchiness could be truly appreciated. It’s like how only once you know darkness can you truly appreciate the light, or some shit.
2. ‘Sweet Home Alabama’
Once again, Reese finds herself in a love triangle between two really hot dudes, one of which is McDreamy himself. I recently watched this movie because it was on, and let me just tell you, the plot holes are pretty glaring—but, for some reason, it’s still good. Reese plays an up-and-coming fashion designer in New York City (because that’s an easy enough job to get) who gets engaged and is forced to go back to her hometown in Alabama to finalize a divorce with her high school BF and explain to her family why she hasn’t been answering any of their calls for a decade. But, plot twist, her family still loves her and her ex husband has become both hot and wealthy. Then Reese is faced with the classic dilemma: Can a woman be hot, rich, and southern all at once? (SPOILER ALERT: she can).
1. ‘Legally Blonde’
This is in the betch cannon of classic films so is it even any fucking surprise that this is Reese’s best work? Let’s pretend like all of those shitty sequels didn’t exist so we can just focus on the real story of Bruiser and Elle Woods. In case you forgot, they’re both gemini vegetarians and probably the two betchiest to ever attend Harvard. Who among us hasn’t been motivated to do something crazy after a breakup? Given, going to law school isn’t necessarily as self-destructive as chopping all your hair off, but still. This movie is responsible for so many amazing lines that can be quoted in almost all curcumstances that it’s difficult to even pick just one, and there is no way Elle wasn’t directly responsible for Harvard being flooded with scented resume and poolside video applications. Like I said, it’s hard to nail down just one moment from this movie to leave you with. The bend and snap? The
playboy bunny Gloria Steinem costume? The moment when she saves Paulette’s dog using legal jargon? No. Instead i’ll leave you with one of the film’s most iconic lines, which will be used as an example of rock solid logic for years to come:
Read: A Definitive Ranking Of The ‘Big Little Lies’ Charactershttp://www.betches.com/big-little-lies-characters-ranked