Gun control is an American issue, but it’s also a feminist one. And before you immediately make your way to the comments to tell me that women aren’t the only ones who are victims of gun violence, let me save you the time and tell you that I know this, and not being the only victim of tragedy doesn’t disqualify you from being affected by the issue. Now, let’s dive in, shall we?
Let’s start with the stats. Women in America are 25 times more likely to be killed with a gun than women in other high-income countries. A lot of these numbers sadly come from domestic abuse cases. On average, 52 women are shot and killed by an intimate partner per month. And if you’re thinking, “Well, a domestic abuser could simply use another weapon to kill their partner if they didn’t have a gun” — sure, but a gun is the most effective way to kill someone, and guns exist in abundance in the U.S., which is why so many women die at the hands of one.
Put another way, plenty of countries have issues with domestic violence. America has issues with domestic violence, but we also have a ton of guns. Americans are less than 5 percent of the world’s population, but according to Vox, we own 95 percent of the world’s privately held firearms. When domestic tensions arise, women in America are much more likely to die with all the guns lying around. According to Everytown, about 4.5 million American women have been threatened with a gun by a partner.
And to bring it all together, a large portion of mass shootings are carried out by men who have a history of domestic abuse (Everytown did a study that found that 54 percent of mass shootings from 2009-2017 involved a perpetrator who had shot a partner or family member before or during their shooting spree.)
There are some f*cked up loopholes for buying guns when it comes to domestic abuse, because this is America, where gun sales are more important than women’s safety. God bless! The good news is that some progress has been made in making sure men with a history of domestic abuse aren’t able to buy guns. Something known as the “boyfriend loophole” has allowed men with a history of domestic abuse to buy guns as long as they weren’t married to the partner(s) they had abused in the past. It also allowed men with a criminal record of stalking to buy guns. This year, the House of Representatives renewed the Violence Against Women Act with added legislation that would essentially close the boyfriend loophole. Now it just has to pass the Senate. Somehow I’m not totally confident, but let’s hope #MoscowMitch gets the job done here…
And since we’ve been hearing a lot of the “guns aren’t the problem” arguments, let’s unpack that from a feminist perspective. Guns are the problem, but they aren’t the only problem. We’ve seen the white supremacy and racism play a huge role in recent mass shootings. And both of these issues are entrenched in our patriarchal society. White supremacy was born from white male entitlement, bigotry, and fear of having to share their rights with any other demographic. What’s more, numerous shootings have been perpetrated by men who have expressly targeted women. In 2014, Elliot Rodger killed six people after promising to kill women for rejecting him.
Toxic masculinity fuels the violence these men seek and execute. This needs to be addressed, but it needs to do so with the help of better gun laws that make sure these men don’t have easy access to guns. Gun legislation and a deep, cultural shift need to work hand in hand. Gun violence isn’t going to be solved with one solution, but also isn’t going to be solved if we do nothing/don’t change our laws.
Clearly, what we are doing now is not keeping American women safe. The numbers speak for themselves.
President Trump loves to use Game of Thrones memes to get his point across (see above), and for once he might actually be making a logical comparison. American politics are just as ridiculous as the goings ons in Westeros these days, the main difference being that there aren’t as many hot people involved. So, in the spirit of that, we’ve created the definitive list of Game of Thrones characters and their American political counterparts. Groundbreaking, we know.
Jon Snow = Beto O’Rourke
Just a couple of QT’s who can’t stop giving speeches when no one asked them to. These guys are solid dudes with their hearts in the right place, but at the end of the day their game plans just aren’t very impressive. Sure, they’d look fine as hell on the throne and I would gladly have sex with them both (at the same time or separately), but there’s more to ruling than having thicc hair and an edgy past (Jon died that one time and Beto was in a band).
Daenarys Targaryon = Hillary Clinton
Is it her time to rule? Every person on Facebook has an opinion about it and 99% of the takes are based on misogyny. That’s the case for both of these fierce blondes. Dany and Hill both feel their right to sit on the throne is undeniable, and often don’t listen to reason when it comes to strategy. Burning people alive and ignoring Wisconsin on the campaign trail aren’t a good look, but try telling that to these gals. They’re both big on military, have badass dragon vibes, and people can’t stop writing think pieces about whether or not they’re likable.
Arya Stark = Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
TFW you need a woman to come in and save us all. Arya Stark and AOC are both 100% that b*tch, and they aren’t here to make friends. Watching Arya on the battlefield and watching AOC drag everyone’s ass on Twitter/Capitol Hill give me the same feeling: pure bliss with a hint of erotica. In this case, the Night King is a metaphor for the nightmare that American politics has become, and AOC is here to slay that shit.
Ice Dragon = Kellyann Conway
This is simply to say that she’s constantly spewing fire-ice-garbage that is ruining everything. Case closed.
Bran Stark = Mike Pence
“I’m going to go now.”
Like what exactly is your job, bro? What are you doing with your days??? And why do you speak like you’re reading the back of a shampoo bottle??? Also what are you doing when your eyes are closed like that? What material assistance did you provide? I HAVE QUESTIONS!
Sansa Stark = Nancy Pelosi
You know what, we all underestimated them. We thought they weren’t tough enough and couldn’t hold their own, but jokes on us, b*tch. Nance created the “f*ck you clap,” and Sansa is queen of the “f*ck you eyebrow arch/ lip purse combo.” We stan.
Little Finger = Mitch McConnell
These slimy motherf*ckers. They’re both always scheming, resemble turtles, and seem to thrive by lurking in the corner and making facial expressions that look like they just smelled a fart.
Joffrey = Donald Trump
I know this isn’t the most original take in the world, as there have been plenty of memes made with the same comparison, but it’s just too accurate. Two big babies who were given too much power and are constantly dating women way out of their leagues. The worst.
Brienne of Tarth = Elizabeth Warren
It’s always a woman who is indisputably the best in her field and yet doesn’t get the recognition. Brienne and Liz are out here slaying the game, and somehow still not doing well in the polls/getting stood up a by one-handed man who fucked his sister. No justice in this world SMDH.
Cersei Lannister = Melania Trump
Okay, this one was hard. There’s really no true match for Cersei Lannister, but Melania comes close. Like Cersei, she’s a stone cold b*tch who dates down and “loves her kids.” They both rock the icy stare, and at the end of the day, they’re women who hold more power than people assume, which they use to their advantage. Also, like Cersei, I assume Melania uses a lot of wine to get through the day.
Tyrion Lannister = John Oliver
Here’s a fun one. Tyrion and John Oliver provide us with comedic social commentary during these times of political unrest. We could not survive without them, and their accents 100% add to their charm. Cheers, bois.
Qyburn = Stephen Miller
Two virgins whose only hobbies are making other people suffer, end of discussion.
High Sparrow = Steve Bannon
Both of these sick f*cks are obsessed with “cleansing” the population, even though they’re the ones out here looking like decaying scabs with limbs. Luckily they were both cancelled a couple of seasons ago.
Ned Stark = Barack Obama
There was a time when these two hot dads were keeping the peace in the world, and thinking back on it is v painful. We miss you, we love you, we’re sorry we failed you.
Random drunk guy in background = Brett Kavanaugh
Literally anytime there is a scene at a pub in Westeros, spot the drunkest guy in the background and that is your boi Brett.
Images via Giphy (15), Twitter @RealDonaldJTrump (1)
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Who amongst us is *not* running for president in 2020? I mean, I’m not (too hungover), but it seems like literally everyone else and their mothers is. Running for president is v on trend this season, so much so that even Oprah’s spiritual advisor is putting her name on the ballot. Yes, you read that correctly. The woman who leads Oprah’s soul is running for president. 2020, you really are that bitch, huh?
So who is this woman? Great q. her name is Marianne Williamson and here is everything you need to know about her.
What is Marianne Williamson’s Deal?
Have I mentioned she’s Oprah’s spiritual advisor? Great, next order of business: she has referred to herself as a “bitch for God.” Is she…my president? We’ll get to that later. For now, here are some basics about the bitch for God. She’s a renowned spiritual leader and author of popular books such as A Woman’s Worth and A Return to Love. She has a devoted following which includes A-list celebrities like Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Richie, and Laura Dern. V casual.
And now for some backstory. Marianne Williamson was born in Houston, Texas to an immigration lawyer and a homemaker. She was raised as Jewish and still identifies as such even though a lot of her rhetoric includes Christian values. Like most spiritual leaders, she can’t be pinned down by just one religion. Before her spiritual awakening, Williamson spent some time *finding herself.* She attended Pomona College for a couple of years before dropping out and moving to New Mexico to join a commune. Same. Then she went bicoastal (iconic) and spent her twenties as a cabaret singer on both coasts. In one of her books she admits, “I sank deeper and deeper into my neurotic patterns, seeking relief in food, drugs, people, or whatever else I could find to distract me from myself,” she later wrote in A Return to Love.” Okay, we are RELATING. Put a candidate on the roster who admits to doing drugs and I will listen.
After indulging in a relatable twenties, Marianne set out to help others find the same spiritual guidance she had come into contact with. She began teaching and making public speeches. Her charisma made her a quick leader, and she gained quite a following, specifically in the LGBTQ+ community. She was an activist during the AIDS crisis and worked to provide care for HIV positive people during a time when few organizations and leaders were willing to do so. She ran a weekly support group at the Center for Living, an organization that provided counseling for HIV-positive patients and also founded Project Angel Food, a charity that delivered meals directly to HIV/AIDS patients’ homes. Okay, go off kween!
What Are the Pros?
Hate to keep bringing this up, but Oprah is a Marianne Williamson stan. And let’s not kid ourselves, having Oprah back you up is a p big deal. One could argue that it is the biggest deal. Williamson has been a guest on Oprah’s show a handful of times, and Oprah said she experienced “157 miracles” while reading Williamson’s book. That’s a lot of miracles.
In addition to being beloved by America’s most beloved figure, Williamson has some v progressive ideologies. She has suggested that as a nation America finds a way to offer reparations the the Black community as a way of making up for the oppression that has been inflicted upon them. She is also v anti Trump, which we love. She has made it clear that her campaign is a direct response to his administration, and that she condemns the hate that he is spreading. She has endorsed Bernie Sanders in the past, and you can take that however you’d like, depending on where you stand with Bernie and his bros.
She’s also very charming and comes off as an unapologetic woman who isn’t afraid to challenge the status quo. She gets the people going, so to speak.
What Are the Cons?
Okay, so her being Oprah’s spiritual guide is a bit of a double-edged sword, because at the end of the day, she is more of a spiritual leader than a politician. She did run for Congress as an independent in LA in 2014, but ultimately lost the race despite raising $2 million for her campaign. Also, while she is seemingly progressive, a lot of her speeches and rhetoric include vague statements like “My campaign is for people who want to dig deeper into the questions we face as a nation and deeper into finding the answers,’’ and “It’s going to be a co-creative effort, an effort of love, a gift of love, to our country and hopefully to our world.” While these sound very nice, they also leave you wondering, “Okay, but what does that even mean and what does that look like policy wise?” Is Marianne Williamson the influencer of presidential candidates?
On top of this, critics have accused Williamson of being a fake. Former employees have claimed she is a bully with a big ego, with one even telling Entertainment Weekly that Marianne has a “despotic, tyrannical streak and inability even to hear dissent” and that her charitable organizations are all part of a front to “sell her book and increase her own fame.” Williamson has laughed off these accusations.
Where Do I Learn More?
You can visit Marianne Williamson’s website here, where you can also buy her books to better understand her philosophies. You can also follow her on Instagram, where she captions her posts with what I would call “extensive novels.” Or you could call up Oprah and ask her to give you the inside scoop if you happen to have Oprah’s number, in which case please send that to me immediately.
Anyway, here’s to hoping Marianne’s campaign slogan is “Make America Align Her Chakras Again.”
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
While the government isn’t technically open for biz at the mo, we are still gearing up for what the government will be like in the future. Sure, we’ll take it. In case you’re as bad at math as I am, I will point out that it is currently 2019, which means the 2020 presidential election is…next year. *Has a flashback to the 2016 election and breaks out in nervous hives*
Trump has got to go, but the question of who exactly will be the one to take his lumpy ass down is still up in the air. Our girl Elizabeth Warren recently announced that she will be running, and more are following her lead. In fact, Julián Castro just announced on January 12th that he too will be seeking the Democratic nomination for prez. Castro isn’t quite as well known as Warren, so his potential nomination begs the Q: new candidate, who dis?
Who TF is Julian Castro?
Wow, amazing question. Julián Castro was formerly the youngest member of the Obama Cabinet, where he served as the 16th United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. There was speculation about whether or not our gal HRC would choose Castro as her running mate for VP in 2016, but she ended up going with that boring, old white guy who was so boring, white, and old that I literally can’t remember his name rn. (Okay so it was Tim Kaine and I think he plays the harmonica or some sh*t?) Castro is a native of San Antonio, Texas, where he served as the youngest city council member and as the mayor. Okay, damn, we’re listening.
Julian Castro attended Stanford University where he majored in Political Science and Communications. He has been vocal about the fact that he got into Stanford because of affirmative action, and cites this as an example of how affirmative action works. Okay, love that. After Stanford, he went on to attend Harvard Law School. He then interned at the White House during the Clinton presidency. After that, he worked for a law firm before opening his own firm with his — wait for it — twin brother. That’s right. He has a twin brother. And like, not to be a bitch, but they are both certified snacks. MAGLA (Make America Good Looking Again).
Okay, So What Are The Pros?
Castro is a very progressive candidate, which is so hot right now. He has been a longtime advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, which he was very vocal about during his time as Mayor of San Antonio. He stands firmly against the way Trump is dealing with immigration and condemns family separation at the border. He is very pro Black Lives Matter and has described the killing of African Americans by police as “state violence.” He wants to raise the minimum wage, as well as rejoin the Paris Climate accords. He is also pushing for greater funding for education. During his time as mayor of San Antonio, Castro successfully increased the city’s sale tax in order to fund a Pre-Kindergarden program, which was a risky move. This proves his willing to fight for what he believes in, even if it means he could lose popularity. Very chic.
Okay, Now Hit Me With the Cons
As previously mentioned, Julian Castro isn’t that well known, which means his chances at winning are a bit slim. He’s also from Texas, and if fellow Texan Beto O’Rourke stops Instagramming his root canals and gets in the race, it could be hard for him to stand out in the race. And the debate is still on re: are v progressive candidates the ones Democrats will nominate and elect, or are the older members of the party too stubborn and unwilling to do so. He’s also never been a governor, senator, or vice president. But like, our current president has never been a person who knows how to spell ‘border’ so who knows. In short, the question is whether or not backing such an unlikely candidate is worth it in the end.
Because I am a v professional journalist I will not say one way or the other. But I will say he’s young, he’s the grandson of immigrants, he’s progressive…and he has a hot twin.
How Do I Learn More?
Want to read more about Julian Castro? You can check out his website here, read a NYT write up on him here, and check out a Politico opinion piece on his candidacy here.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
In this week’s ep of the most dramatic reality show ever made – our literal government – Trump met with Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer for a heated “conversation” about “border security” aka the wall. Pence was also there but like, barely. More on that later. Anyway, because Trump is president and nothing is normal, this meeting had a lot of moments that will either make you lol or make you stare out your window and ponder how humanity has gotten to such a low point. A true rollercoaster of emotions! Check out some of the wildest things you can takeaway from this meeting, and then go talk sh*t about our government to your coworkers in the break room. You’ll look like, really smart.
1. Nancy Came to Slay
Our lady in blue is not f*cking around these days. Because it’s 2018, where sexism is still alive and well, Pelosi had to take on a more “tempered” manner during the meeting, while Schumer got to play bad cop. Like my mother whenever she notices I got a new crop top, Trump attempted to make a passive aggressive comment insulting Pelosi. “Nancy’s in a situation where it’s not easy for her to talk right now, and I understand that,” Trump said. Pelosi fired back with, “Please don’t characterize the strength that I bring to this meeting as the leader of the House Democrats who just won a big victory.” Now that’s a damn SLAY if I’ve ever heard one.
And our girl didn’t stop there. After the meeting, Pelosi had some more words for the press, which tried to call her out for not being transparent by not allowing the entire meeting to be recorded. Nancy told them that this was because she didn’t want to have to publicly say to the president, “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” on television and described the wall as “a manhood thing” for Trump. Okay…go off, queen!!!
Any questions? pic.twitter.com/gTW0axihV4
— Andy Slavitt (@ASlavitt) December 12, 2018
2. Pence Came to Nap
Mike Pence showed up to do what he does best: literally nothing. The VP didn’t have much to say and was caught on camera closing his eyes – either to pray or to power down his hard drive. Maybe he was trying my go-to strategy, where if you just pretend something isn’t happening it will go away? Hate to tell ya, bud, but according to my current student loans bill, this tactic is not effective.
mike pence is in airplane mode pic.twitter.com/hdusIYLgp1
— Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) December 12, 2018
3. Trump Is “Proud” to Shut Down the Government
Trump and Schumer went back and forth arguing over who was responsible for shutting down the government last time. Trump tried to say it was Schumer, who was quick to point out,“Twenty times you have called for, ‘I will shut down the government if I don’t get my wall. None of us have said it.” Trump did NOT like that, and then walked himself into a corner by saying he was “proud to shut down the government for border security.” However, the best moment came when Pelosi referred to is as a ‘Trump Shutdown’ and Donald looked like he was literally going to implode. Did I mention Nancy Pelosi came to slay???
4. The Midterms Are Still Causing Drama
The 2018 midterm elections are a lot like my high school breakup in that neither party will f*cking drop it. Pelosi noted, “Sixty people of the Republican party are losing their offices now because of the transition.” Trump came back with, “And we’ve gained in the Senate. Nancy, we’ve gained in the Senate,” and continued with some additional points, “Excuse me, did we win the Senate? We won the Senate.” So sad that our leaders can’t get over a loss…and for the record, I broke up with Jimmy, not vice versa!!!
5. Having a Conversation With Trump Is Nearly Impossible
This is something we already knew, but somehow it’s always still shocking to watch happen. His tactic is to just repeat false statements over and over. Pelosi wasn’t having that sh*t, and kept bringing up that his factual evidence was not there, and they needed to have a conversation based on actual facts. Seems reasonable, no? Not when working with Trump. Pelosi tried to tell Trump that he didn’t have the votes he needs in the House (he doesn’t), and he kept insisting that he does and that he “could get it passed in two seconds.”
“If I needed the votes in the House, I would have them in one second, we’d be done. It doesn’t help because we need 10 Democrats in the Senate,” Trump said. “We’re doing this in a very friendly way. It doesn’t help for me to take a vote in the House where I will win easily with the Republicans.” Pelosi responded,“You will not win.” NANCY MOTHERF*CKING PELOSI, EVERYONE.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Images: Twitter (2), Giphy (1)
Feeling horrified, embarrassed, insulted, and generally offended are part and parcel as we trudge into the holiday season. When you stick a bunch of weirdo relatives that haven’t seen each other in a year in a small house rife with alcohol and tryptophan, it’s a recipe for frightening questions, conversations, and interactions. Whether it be your Aunt Linda constantly suggesting you’re going to die alone, or Grandpa Ralph’s troubling views on it’s important to find ways to steer the conversation back into territory you feel comfortable eating copious amounts of turkey in. So once you’ve hit Uncle Billy with an “actually memes aren’t legitimate news sources and what you just said was racist,” it’s time to deescalate and allow him the time to process the roasting he just endured. Knowing what to say to your relatives that both shuts down their bullsh*t and enables you to change the subject is a delicate art, and we’re here to help you perfect it. Here are some ways to save yourself from holiday hell no matter what your relatives might throw at you.
They Bring Up Your Ex
They Say: “Are you still dating Bill/Bob/Kyle/Chad? We liked him. You should get married.”
You Say: “Did you know that the average life expectancy of a woman goes up by 90% per dog she adopts? This is Rufus. *shows phone* He just graduated training school and he made a lot of new friends at the dog park. He also volunteers at the old folks’ home! Speaking of which, I saw they have an opening if you’re interested! I can definitely talk to them—I think they have a ground unit available with or without the emergency push button on each wall.”
Steer as far away as possible and get out of the subject! But feel free to get a jab or two in there since, f*ck that, Chad was a douche.
They Bring Up Politics
They Say: “Trump doubled jobs and is the best president we’ve ever had! The liberal cry babies are just mad they lost.”
You Say: “You know what else is the best? Thanks to President Trump and his policies, I just took up Canadian residency and I’ve become a lover of poutine. There are so many ways to prepare poutine. My personal fav is classic with brown gravy and cheese curds. What are your favorite poutines? Do you like classic or do you get wild with it? Canada has such a fascinating culture.”
YIKES. This is bound to happen, and it f*cking sucks because, especially if the convo veers into the “racism” territory, we all have to be ready to push back at f*cked up things our relatives say. And really, they’re the ones who created this awkward situation by being racist when they could have just been quiet, so no need to feel bad about putting them in their place. Try responding calmly and clearly about why what they just said is wrong, and before they can hit you with some “facts” they learned in the comment section of YouTube, excuse yourself to “use the ladies room” aka “hit your vape pen in the hall closet.”
Religion
They Say: “I noticed you’re not wearing the purity ring I got you for your 13th birthday. Have you been going to church?”
You Say: “That reminds me of a hilarious meme I saw” *shows 100 memes so that no other terrible convos can start* “Did you catch this week’s episode of 90 Day Fiancé? It really got me thinking about the passport process and how it’d be great if we could submit our own pictures, amirite?”
Oh boy. Avoiding your more religious family members’ comments about your own devotion is like, an Olympic level Thanksgiving sport. Your 90-year-old Grandma Jesus Freak is not going to understand that for you, religion is less about “going to church on Sunday,” and more about “having visions during hot yoga.” Best to just distract your relative with memes and reality television and GTFO.
When Are You Having Kids?
They Say: “Dogs aren’t children. Your eggs are dying. Time to breed!”
You Say: “I really love not having to fork over my hard-earned money into a savings account so that a kid can waste it in college or finding themselves while abroad! On the other hand, if you’d like me to have children, I JUST opened a KickStarter you can donate to! Here’s the link.”
Talk about dogs and kitties. This is your business—no one else’s. You can shut it down quickly with a “that’s kind of private” and embarrass whoever’s asking the personal questions, or you can keep it light and ask for money for said future kid’s college fund.
They Have An Issue With One Or All Of The Letters In LGBTQA
They Say: “It’s TERRIBLE. The gays have taken over television and are pushing their agenda!”
You Say: “I have a gay hairdresser and he could work WONDERS with your complexion, Aunt Diane. Did you also know that there’s a same-sex penguin couple at the zoo that is raising a baby chick? Here are some pictures. Aren’t they cute? That reminds me—I hear Antarctica is GORGEOUS this time of year. You should go! I think you’d have a GREAT time.”
Yo, f*ck them. It’s 2018. Tell them to get with the program. Passive-aggressive (and straight-up aggressive) jabs are allowed. Lock eyes with your Great Aunt Homophobe and describe to her, in detail, the time in college you hooked up with a woman, keep describing it until she finally backs down and hits you with a “let’s not get into this—there’s turkey to be eaten.” And again, the same goes for racism, sexism, or any other -ism that might pop up this holiday season.
Your Job
They Say: “What are you doing at your job these days? You should have been a doctor or lawyer. What in the world are you going to do with a communications/art/history degree?”
You Say: “In my day-to-day, I spend most of my time trying to figure out how to communicate in memes and gifs. Do you know what those are? Have you seen the moth/light memes? Personally, I feel they went a little off the deep end, ya know? You know what I do love, though—the new publishing tools on Facebook. They’re really easy to navigate. Whaddya you think of them? I didn’t think I’d ever get over the new algorithms in place, but I’m starting to appreciate them, ya know?”
It’s your business. And, honestly, you probably have a 9-to-5 or a side hustle or are living at mom and dad’s. Whatever—you do you.
Images: Priscilla Du Preez/Unsplash; Giphy (6)
I know this is truly wild to say in 2018, but I have some amazing news for you. The Betches Sup is teaming up with Crush the Midterms to help making getting involved in the 2018 midterm election as convenient, easy, and effectively as possible. So fetch! So, what exactly does this mean and how can you participate? Omg, I’m so glad you asked!
You can use this link to visit our partnership website, and from there everything is super simple and straightforward. Once you’re on the website, click ‘Let’s Go!’ and fill out the short questionnaire. Based on your answers in this survey, a detailed and personalized plan will be provided for you, both on the site and sent to you via email. It will tell you when to vote, who will be on your ballot, places you can volunteer, organizations and people you can donate to, and more!
There is also an option to add any and all of the suggested events to your calendar, so you don’t forget. It’s literally so helpful and easy to use, not unlike the shot glass necklace I used to wear to parties on St. Patty’s Day in college. Except this assists with making helpful contributions to society.
If you’re reading The Sup, I know you understand how crucial it is to get involved in the upcoming midterms. But sometimes it’s hard to know where to start, what to do, and where to put your energy. A lot of us have found ourselves saying, “there should be an app for this.” This is essentially that. You’re welcome.
Visit the website today and get your activism plan started! Being politically active is v chic in 2018. Also, IDK if you’ve noticed, but its like, v important.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
In the latest Trump administration staffing debacle, Trump’s nominee to replace the Head of the Veteran’s Affair’s department after he fired David Shulkin via tweet has had his confirmation hearing postponed indefinitely. Why? Because over 20 whistleblowers claimed he often blacked out on the job and was literally nicknamed the “candy man” for his willingness to pass out Ambien. He’s a pusher, Donald. He’s a pusher.
In light of this scandal, the addition of Rudy Giuliani to Trump’s legal team, and the recent departures of former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, former National Economic Council head Gary Cohn, and former National Security Advisor H.R McMaster, it is clearly just a waiting game for the next Trump official to be fired on social media or resigns in disgrace. Thus, we bring you our very informed predictions on who might end up spending this summer tanning on Martha’s Vineyard instead of in the White House. These inferences are based on an extremely scientific analysis of factors including visible level of aggressive corruption, psychotically lavish spending of taxpayer money on personal shit, actual policy positions, Trump’s tweets about the person, and — I know this is shocking — but actual job performance thus far.
5. Scott Pruitt
We’ve covered Scott Pruitt’s excessive personal spending of taxpayer dollars in the past, but to recap – he installed a $43,000 soundproof phone booth in his office, which isn’t shady at all, and has spent hundreds of thousands on first class or private jet flights. The expensive private air travel, along with Pruitt’s recently revealed $3 million of spending on his security detail, are supposedly explained by an ‘unprecedented level of threats’ to his safety, probably because his attempted rollback of environmental regulations is creating an unprecedented level of threats to the existence of this fucking planet.
Other examples of Pruitt’s corruption include accusations of professional retaliation against EPA staff who don’t want to do his immoral bidding, giving raises to two favored aides, and renting a DC apartment at below market rate from an energy industry lobbyist. This shit has gotten so blatant that the existing inspector general investigation into Pruitt’s spending is now expanding to five different facets of his conduct, and he is testifying before two house subcommittees today.
While Congressional probes are always a great indicator of a Trump administration official’s imminent demise, let’s take a look at the reasons Pruitt might survive. First off, he is very efficient at dismantling Obama’s legacy, Republicans’ fave activity. Pruitt has already attempted to cancel, roll back, or delay enforcement of Obama-era regulations on pesticides, lead paint, renewable fuel, methane emissions, vehicular fossil fuel emissions, and ozone levels. A former White House aide has been quoted saying Pruitt “has no peer in Trump’s cabinet” on de-regulation, which he carries out with “startling effectiveness and cunning.” Love to hear ‘cunning’ as a complimentary adjective for my politicians. Sigh.
4. Ben Carson
Housing and Urban Development head Ben Carson’s incompetence and corruption make him a likely candidate for a pink slip. First, there was the office furniture debacle in which he asked employees to buy him a $31,000 dining set, lied about it, tried to cancel the order, and then was caught in his lie when emails revealed he had in fact asked for the expensive furniture, then blamed his wife for buying it. One HUD employee is suing Carson, claiming she was fired for refusing to overspend the budget on said office furniture. Very chill.
Meanwhile, he is also getting literally nothing done. While the total office renovations ended up costing approximately $200,000, Carson has been notably quiet in response to a 14% decrease in his department’s budget, and pretty much his only policy proposal is for the creation of a chain of community centers intended to teach poor communities self-sufficiency. So the only proposal we’ve seen out of this Department of Housing involves no housing. Cool.
Carson has reportedly considered quitting, and has been quoted saying of his agency that there are “more complexities here than in brain surgery.” Wait, running a $47 billion dollar a year government organization that is supposed to help over 5 million American families pay for their homes is hard? I personally am not shocked, but apparently Carson is. Maybe he will take himself out of the game. To which we would say:
3. James Mattis
Secretary of Defense James Mattis is the last man standing in what was seriously being called the “axis of adults,” composed of fired Secretary of State Tillerson and National Security Advisor McMaster. Not a great sign for the survival of this country, or Mattis’ job.
Mattis calls himself Trump’s babysitter, which does not seem like a great way to curry favor with the notably stable genius in charge of his employment. Close Trump aides told The New Yorker that Trump was getting tired of listening to reason, so Trump’s approach to running the United States appears to be similar to yours when you read about eating a balanced diet. It also probably means Mattis is on the way out.
2. John Bolton
I know John Bolton literally joined the administration a month ago, but hear me out. This guy is full on fucking crazy, and I am including him because even if he isn’t fired in the near future, he might get us all killed in a nuclear war any day now.
Bolton’s political positions include the vehement belief that the US should bomb Iran, a complete dismissal of Palestine as a state, and the contention that the Iraq war was a success. He chaired a nonprofit called the Gatestone Institute, which, shocker, turns out to be hilariously evil. Not only is it funded by Cambridge Analytica founders and Republican donors Robert and Rebekah Mercer, but it promoted anti-Muslim fake news and was often retweeted by Russian trolls.
Bolton is most famous for being a Fox News contributor, and could not even get confirmed as a UN ambassador under a Republican-controlled Senate during George W. Bush’s tenure because his politics are so extreme. Senator Rand Paul has called him “unhinged,” which really makes me feel great about his proximity to the nuclear button. Tim Kaine has questioned whether he will even be able to get security clearance, though that hasn’t stopped anyone from remaining in the White House yet. Cough, Kushner, cough.
1. John Kelly
Trump’s current chief of staff has already lasted longer than his predecessor Reince Preibus, and he’s nearing his one year anniversary, which is a real landmark in this administration. However, Trump apparently “hates John Kelly telling him no,” so Trump is basically you when your friends try to stop you from texting the guy who ghosted your ass. Alas, he isn’t even as successful as your friends, and apparently can’t keep Trump from using his personal, non government-approved cellphone. Also, John Bolton’s entry into the White House can’t be helping Kelly’s chances, since the two are famously arch nemeses to the point that Kelly had him banned from the oval office last year.
While at the beginning of Kelly’s run he was often included on calls with foreign dictators, he has lately been left off the three way calls. He was also left out of the decision to fire McMaster. John Kelly is basically the Gretchen Weiners of the White House, and I honestly can’t wait for his tell all because the few wisps of hair on his balding head are definitely full of secrets.
The recent rumor that Trump thinks he could run the country better without any chief of staff, because he ran the Trump organization so well (as in, into bankruptcy four times) without one, puts Kelly at the top of our exit list.
Lastly, deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein is obviously in the running, since he oversees the only Republican male we don’t despise, Robert Mueller. I’m including Rod as a bonus candidate, since he is an obvious choice for Trump, but his firing would also probably trigger a full scale constitutional crisis, which honestly sounds about right at this point.
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