In these times of trouble, it is important for us to look to our role models for guidance as we figure out how to live under the new normal. And who better to look to than our OG role models: American Girl Dolls. Sure, the pandemic is bad, but Molly lived through World War f*cking II! Addy escaped slavery! Samantha…well…Samantha’s life seems pretty sweet, actually.
Here’s what all of the original American Girl dolls would be doing if they were quarantining with us today.
Samantha Parkington, Victorian Era Girl
Rich b*tch Samantha mostly ignored COVID-19 warnings until about a week ago when she read one news article and then immediately booked a Blade helicopter to take her and her boyfriend of three weeks to her grandmary’s empty beach house in the Hamptons. Now she posts nightly Insta stories of herself walking on the beach with the caption “sooooo empty” and takes approximately five bubble baths per day. Her job was not affected by the crisis because she doesn’t have one. When all of this is over she’ll return to Upper East Side apartment with a tan and a cocaine problem.
Kirsten Larson, Pioneer Girl
Kirsten has put her pioneer skills to use in this crisis and become a certified doomsday prepper. Her apartment is now a fully stocked COVID bunker. She bought up every last square of toilet paper in her town and has learned to make her own hand sanitizer, which she will not share. Every night on Instagram she cooks a different amazing meal from her provisions and every day she posts about how the pandemic has given her the ability to “get into pickling” and still find the time to hand-embroider masks for shelter dogs. She was made for this life. You hate her.
Molly McIntire, WWII Girl
No stranger to global crises, Molly is that friend who has been in full panic mode since day one. She listens to radio broadcasts (aka podcasts) about coronavirus 24/7 and sends nightly letters (aka group texts) updating everyone on her status. Stuck in her Brooklyn railroad apartment with five roommates, she has begun forcing everyone in the house to do nightly coronavirus pandemic drills where they all practice proper hand washing technique. Molly spends all her free time updating her pandemic map and calling Governor Cuomo’s office just to cry. She flips out any time she hears a siren and is stress-eating her provisions as quickly as she buys them. It’s the most relatable she’s ever been in her life.
Felicity Merriman, American Revolution Girl
Felicity embraced the YOLO spirit of the American Revolution and is now on government mandated quarantine after refusing to cancel her bachelorette party and contracting coronavirus from an ice luge. She wasn’t going to let the GOVERNMENT come in and encroach on her FREEDOMS. F*ck no. Now her friends have disowned her after a video of her partying on the beach screaming “give me penis hats or give me death!” went viral and an image of her drunk face was memed on Betches.
Addy, Civil War Era Girl
Addy has seen worse. Way worse. This coronavirus is nothing compared to the underground f*cking railroad, and for that reason, Addy is at home, unbothered, abiding by social distancing rules and living her damn life. All the links she retweets are useful, and her Zoom book club is absolutely popping off. While all of her friends are losing their minds buying up everything in sight, she’s chilling with an appropriate amount of supplies. When she goes live on Instagram it is actually funny. By the end of this you will have muted literally everyone except for her.
Josefina Montoya, Mexican-American War Girl
Josefina has gone dark on social media in an attempt to hide the fact that she flew back to her parents’ ranch house out west well after the CDC’s guidelines for nonessential travel were in place. Two weeks from now she will post a sunset pic with no caption that your group chat will scrutinize and determine that, based off the lighting and surrounding vegetation, she is probably in New Mexico. She’ll spend all of quarantine drinking Topo chicos next to a cactus and then when all this is over try to show back up like it never happened like Serena in the Gossip Girl pilot.
Images: walter sedriks / Flickr.com; American Girl Doll (6)
It’s been quite a year over here at Betches. We’ve had a lot of highs, and I guess some lows because nobody is perfect, not even me (or so my therapist says). If we make it into 2018, we’ll definitely look back at this past year as important—probably for bad reasons, like this was the year we plunged ourselves into a nuclear war, but important nonetheless. We’ve taken a number of walks down memory lane in regards to the past year. We recalled the most scandalous celebrity breakups, the worst beauty and fashion trends, and the craziest political moments. But now it’s time to talk about us, Betches. When were we at our best? What articles did you all love? Let’s reminisce on the most popular articles of the past year.
10. A Breakdown Of The Army Of Skanks Competing For Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s Heart On ‘The Bachelor’
We broke down Arie’s contestants in only the way we could: by making snap character judgments based on the answers to a few superficial questions.
9. The Teen Dramas That Defined Our Youth, Ranked By Betchiness
Were you a One Tree Hill ride-or-die? A Gossip Girl ….girl? Whatever your overly dramatic program of choice, find out how it ranks by what’s important: betchiness factor.
8. Your Friend Who Orders Gin & Tonics Is A Psychopath, According To Science
We won’t say how (read the article), but a scientific study basically proved that people who drink gin are legit crazy. Just what I suspected all along.
7. Ranking ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants By Betchiness
We ranked Nick’s Bachelor contestants by betchiness, but mostly we judged the shit out of them. It was a simpler time when the worst thing to happen on television was Nick Viall being the Bachelor.
6. Mattel Just Released A New Line Of Ken Dolls And They’re All Fuckboys
Mattel tried to modernize Ken, and ended up creating a line of dolls who all will text you “U up?” at 2am. It was our best doll roast since the American Girl Dolls.
5. The SVU Detectives Ranked From Worst To Best
We ranked the dedicated detectives who make up the elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit from worst to best. These are our stories. Dun dun.
4. Flashback Friday: The Most Ridiculous ‘Sex And The City’ Quotes
This was an oldie we brought back and revamped in 2017. You’re welcome. Going through this list, I’m not sure why we ever thought SATC was good.
3. 15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy
2017 has been the year of the fuckboy. From Dean Unglert to the Pussy Grabber-In-Chief, fuckboys have abounded. But we’ve gotten smarter: we’ve named them, and we here at Betches have given you all the telltale signs of what to look for in a fuckboy.
2. American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness
Yes, we first wrote this a while ago, and we actually brought it back in 2016, but y’all motherfuckers can’t get enough of this roast of your favorite childhood dolls.
1. A Bro’s Ranking Of ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants
The American Girl Dolls got beat out by Jared Fried’s roast of the girls competing for Nick Viall’s heart on last season of The Bachelor. It’s just as much fun to read through now, knowing who wins, as it was back then.
As you certainly know by now, we have already told you which American Girl doll is betchiest (Samantha). You’re literally so welcome. But now it is time to answer the second most important American Girl doll-based question: Which one are you? There’s only one way to know for sure, and that’s obviously to compare the American Girl doll’s personality to your zodiac sign and see how they match up. Rather than have you
procrastinate your work look this up yourself, we’ve compiled a list of all the American Girl dolls and which Zodiac sign they are, in case you have an urge to drop $100 on a doll anytime soon.
Aries – Felicity Merriman (Revolutionary War Betch)
Much like you, Aries, Felicity Merriman is active af. She’s training horses, she’s making friends, and she’s low-key involved in the American Revolution. Like you, Felicity is wayyy too ADD to stick to one thing, and flips from standing up to bullies one minute to helping some old guy named Jiggy Nye (fairly certain this is a 90s Will Smith track, but okay) quit alcohol the next. She’s one of the OG American Girl dolls which makes her a leader, and much of her series focuses on her mother’s desperate attempts to make her more “ladylike,” which I’m sure you can relate to.
Taurus – Kristen Larson (Pioneer Betch)
Kristen’s whole “thing” is working hard, so it’s pretty clear why she and Taurus are a perfect match. And nothing says “Earth sign” more than being a Swedish Midwesterner living on a farm. Unlike Corinne, Kristen loves farm chores (gross), and spends her free time learning English, making friends, and being pissed that her parents are having another baby and wrecking her comfort levels (just like you when faced with any minor inconvenience). Sad to say, Kristen is mostly a very boring nice girl, but only a Taurus would ever have the patience to create her elaborate braid crown, so the two are a match made in heaven.
Gemini – Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace Gardner (Antebellum Betches)
Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace are the only dolls who come as a set (I mean, you still have to pay for two separate dolls, AG is nothing if not insanely expensive), which is perfect for Geminis who can’t ever make up their damn mind. Done playing with Marie-Grace? NP, Cécile is here to alleviate your boredom. Personality-wise, Cécile is more outgoing, whereas Marie-Grace is
friendless a loner, so they perfectly mirror a Gemini’s socialite status one week but hermit lifestyle the next. Basically, they’re two different people, and so are you, Gemini.
Cancer – Josefina Montoya (Mexican-American War Betch)
Cancers are the mama’s betches of the zodiac, and being obsessed with the fact that her mom is dead is literally the central issue of Josefina’s life (understandable). Given the fact that wild goats, snakes, and random men with guns roam the Mexican countryside near Josefina’s home, she likes to stay indoors, something a Cancer can definitely relate to. She’s also not so into the whole “meeting new people” thing, and is much happier just chilling with her sisters and aunts, aka “not branching out,” which is Cancer’s specialty.
Leo – One Of Those Dolls That Looks Like You
I mean, come on Leo, you’re not going to shell out a fuckton of money for a doll who doesn’t look like you. Who tf does that? You have no interest in pretending to be from other eras, because those eras are obviously inferior to the current era, as evidenced by the fact that you don’t live in them. Also, those eras didn’t have social media, which means your doll doesn’t have any of the avenues you know and love for getting attention. Unacceptable. You’ll take a doll that
might come to life and assume your identity looks like you and carries a cell phone, thanks.
Virgo – Addy Walker (Reconstruction Era Betch)
Virgos are all about being organized and keeping shit low-key, and nothing requires more low-key organization than escaping fucking slavery (See: The Underground Railroad). Addy Walker is the baddest betch in the OG American Girl collection because like, she’s actually done some pretty incredible shit, but you wouldn’t know it because—like you, Virgo—Addy doesn’t need that attention. She’s just gonna keep her shit on the DL and keep working at Mrs. Ford’s dress shop until next thing you know, her line is the hottest thing at the 1870s version of New York Fashion Week. Basically, you’re both killing it, and don’t need any of the drama that surrounds the more “popular” dolls.
Libra – Kit Kittredge (Depression Era Betch)
Libras are all about fairness, and Kit Kittredge doesn’t think it’s very fucking fair that her family has no money because of the Great Depression. Libras are fascinated by “balance and symmetry,” and it was a lack of both these two elements that caused the stock market to crash on October 24th, 1929. In order to make it through the Depression, Kit will need to work well with others and find inner peace, two things Libras are great at. Also, Abigail Breslin played her in the movie version, which is neither here nor there, but is pretty cool.
Scorpio – Kaya (Pre-Colonial Betch)
Scorpios are known for being pretty fucking wild, and nobody is more wild than Kaya, the pre-colonial Native American betch whose desire to do whatever tf she wants gets her kidnapped in her breakout book, Meet Kaya. Kaya also gets the nickname “Magpie” due to her “rash actions,” and consequences due to rash actions are nothing new to a Scorpio. Honestly, I’d start calling you “Magpie” as well if I didn’t know you’d totally flip out.
Sagittarius – Samantha Parkington (Turn Of The Century Betch)
Congrats, Sagittarius! You are Samantha Parkington, the betchiest of all the American Girl dolls. Feel free to tell your mom. Sags love to travel, and no one is more set to travel the world than Samantha, who is both rich af and comes with a variety of Instagram-ready vacation looks that would def make all the other American Girls jealous. Much like you, Samantha is known for asking a fuckload of questions and saying whatever she wants, like asking her poor friend Nellie why she’s so damn poor in Samantha’s Surprise.
Capricorn – Molly McIntire (World War II Era Betch)
Capricorns are known for being responsible and well-organized, and nobody is better organized than Molly McIntire, who literally tracks the movements of troops in WWII from her bedroom. Sure, we have declared Molly a “narc,” but like, narc-ness is kind of one of your most endearing qualities. Capricorns can also be kind of bleak and expect the worst, and I honestly can’t think of anything more bleak than an 11-year-old girl who pretends to do bomb drills in her mom’s basement. Yikes.
Aquarius – Julie Albright (Hippie Betch)
This one is easy. Aquarians are obviously represented by Julie Albright, the hippie betch. Not only does she represent all your progressive ideals (like not shaving for the duration of winter), she shares your literally insane temper, as evidenced in the book Julie’s Journey, when she flips out at her cousins for saying she’s not good at horseback riding. You wouldn’t take that shit, Aquarius, and neither did Julie.
Pisces – Maryellen Larkin (1950s Era Betch)
Maryellen doesn’t stand for the 1950s’ bullshit, namely racism against Italians, which is just what a compassionate, generous, 1950s-era Pisces would do. Maryellen also shares Pisces’ imagination and love of art, and hopes to one day be a fashion designer one day which is v chic of her. Pisces also tend to have a victim complex, which Maryellen def has after contracting Polio in the 1952 epidemic. Sure, her victimhood is a little more valid than yours, but you can use her to help work through some of that anger you felt when you had to be happy for a friend who got skinnier than you.
American Girl has finally gotten its first ever American Boy! Apparently men are also involved in American history. Weird.
The doll’s name is Logan Everett and he’s a drummer who rocks a flannel, graphic tee, sneakers, and an expression that says “I will tell you over dinner that your major sounds ‘incredibly interesting’ and then ghost you after we have sex.” As we pointed out in The Sup, Logan appears to be representing 2017 Fuckboy culture, and probably comes with a bottle of Axe body spray and a phone that’s halfway done texting “U UP?”
Haven’t seen Logan’s bedroom set yet but I’d bet my life it includes a mattress on the floor, that Pink Floyd poster of butts, and a crusty old bong. Not sure if they have AG dolls that can talk yet, but if so, then get ready to press Logan’s stomach and listen to him tell you all about his band!
Logan also comes with a girl friend (as in girl-who-is-a-friend) named Tenney (wtf?) who you know is just there to intimidate you and the other dolls. Logan will insist that he and Tenney are not dating and that she’s only texting him to talk about their “music” but as soon as you go snooping you know you’re gonna find Tenney’s holiday ensemble under the trash pile in Logan’s room (Logan’s room comes with a trash pile btw).
So you’re probably all wondering at this point where Logan fits in our Ranking Of American Girl Dolls By Betchiness. After conducting a brief investigation into Logan’s look, personal life, accessories, and demeanor, I have decided to rank Logan 6th. He is not nearly as betchy as Kirsten (#5), who comes with her own elaborate braid crown and a hat made of candles, but is significantly betchier than Molly, who we have already established is a narc.
And before you ask, Tenney is a side chick and for that reason has not earned the right to be ranked. Come correct next time, Tenney, and we’ll see.
So I want to start out by saying that every American Girl Doll is at least a little bit betchy because they are expensive as fuck and don’t do anything. They come with tons of accessories, which are also extremely expensive and if you want to take your narcissism to a whole other level, you can shell out even more money and get one that looks exactly like you. Then you can buy matching outfits for it and sleep with it in the same room as you and talk to it and love it and tell it your secrets until the doll gets more and more powerful and suddenly you’re the doll and she’s the human. Or something like that. IDK because my mom would never buy me a lookalike doll and now she and I don’t speak.
Anyway, here’s the definitive ranking of the AG’s betchiness. Feel free to tear me apart in the comments. If you disagree, remember: this is a satirical article about a line of historical children’s toys. Fucking chill.
1. Samantha Parkington (Turn of the Century Betch)
Sam is undoubtedly the betchiest of all the American girl dolls for a variety of reasons. Number one being that when Sam was a baby her rich as fuck parents died and now she lives with her betchy grandma, who she calls “Grandmary” which is hands down the whitest shit I’ve heard in my life. Sam also rocks a black-and-white checkered dress and matching black-and-white velvet bow, which is very chic for a 9-year-old girl. Samantha also has a servant/friend named Nellie who you can buy as an accessory to Samantha if you want your doll to have a servant (or friend, I guess). It takes a while for Sam to realize that Nellie is poor and that’s why she’s so annoying. Sam eventually pulls a Cher Horowitz and gets all charitable and gives Nellie a doll from her collection and Nellie promptly shuts the fuck up. And finally, betchiest of all, Samantha comes with an all black outfit…
…and an outfit specifically for catching butterflies…
…and this was her bedroom…case closed.
2. Josefina Montoya (Mexican-American Betch)
Josefina is fly as fuck. Just look at her. Her look is on point. She’s tan, has great hair, and knows how to accessorize. Also she’s from out west so you know she’s chill as hell and probably smokes. According to the American Girl wiki (my number one source for this article), one of Josefina’s major dislikes is “goats,” which isn’t something we’ve talked about on this site but is probably true for all betches. Josefina lives with her dad and three sisters, so she’s well versed in the art of asking your dad for everything and borrowing clothes without asking. Also, Josefina’s hoop earrings are non-removable which is a pretty good way to say “hoop earrings are my thing and you can’t wear them, Gretchen.”
3. Kit Kittredge (Depression Era Betch)
Kit Kittredge hands down has the betchiest name of all the American Girl Dolls. Kit’s real name is “Margaret Mildred Kittredge” but since that name sucks ass, our girl Kit opted for the Kardashian double K and was better off for it. Kit is mainly number three on the list because she’s so fucking cute. Look at her bob and that little barrette. It’s the damn depression and she still looks fucking good. Very betchy. Good for you, Kit.
4. Addy Walker (Reconstruction Era Betch)
So there’s no denying that Addy Walker is the baddest betch of the bunch considering she straight-up escaped slavery and she’s nine fucking years old. Despite having to teach herself to read and shit, Addy scores a job at Mrs. Ford’s dress shop, aka a clutch fashion internship. Addy also has a straight-up rivalry with some THOT named Harriet Davis, which is very betchy. However, Addy hates Harriet because Harriet is richer than her, and for that reason Addy is fourth and needs to chill. It’s not Harriet’s fault she’s rich.
5. Kirsten Larson (Pioneer Betch)
Kirsten Larson probably has the betchiest hairstyle of all the OG betches given that she usually sports a complicated series of braid crowns. She’s also foreign, which is mysterious and very betchy. That being said, Kirsten looks wack as fuck in her Christmas ensemble and has a dopey fucking look on her face. She also works very hard, which is not cute. In the end, Kristen is a little midwestern nice girl who like, enjoys farmwork.
6. Caroline Abbott (War of 1812 Betch)
Caroline Abbott looks the part of a betch despite being born in a log cabin, which is pretty impressive. Caroline isn’t an OG American girl, so I had to look up her story and apparently she’s also an only child and gets super jealous when her shit-eating cousin Lydia comes to stay. Caroline starts to get FOMO hard and thinks that Lydia and everyone else are hanging out without her, which is a pretty clear sign that Caroline has some insecurity issues considering her house has one fucking room in it. Jealousy isn’t cute, Caroline. Enjoy sixth place.
7. Kaya’aton’my (Native American Betch)
Kaya’s main plot point is that everyone gives her the nickname “Magpie” and she hates it. Betches don’t get nicknames, they give them. Have fun in seventh place, Magpie.
8. Felicity Merrimen (Revolutionary War Betch)
The betchiest thing about Felicity is that she owns a horse. At one point in her book series, Felicity gets into some shit with an old-ass drunk man named Jiggy Nye (which, incidentally, is my rap name) and teaches him to stop drinking, which was probably good for him but also very lame. Felicity is not higher on the list because she’s super into being a “tomboy” and would probably say shit like “I just get along with guys better than girls” and we’d all hate her.
9. Rebecca Rubin (Pre-WWI Betch)
Here’s what I’ve gathered about Rebecca: She is an aspiring child actress/theater nerd/Anne Hathaway from 1914 and honestly I’ve never fucking heard of her. Rebecca wears a fairly betchy outfit, but also like I said, I’ve never fucking heard of her and she reminds me of Anne Hathaway so bye bye Becky you’re number nine.
10. Molly McIntyre
Good god get this bitch outta here. Molly is a narc. Don’t believe me? Look at her. That is what a fucking narc looks like. Still not convinced? What the shit is this? You’re an OG American Girl, have some fucking respect for yourself.
11. Julie Albright (Hippie Betch)
Okay so first of all any American Girl doll that is like, the same age as my mom does not fucking count. You were born in 1966. You are literally still alive. Secondly, your outfit game is weak. You’re supposed to be a flower child and you would be laughed out of Coachella:
12. Maryellen Larkin (Cold War Betch)
Same shit goes for you, Maryellen. You’re the same age as my aunt and you look like a dud. You are like what Reese Witherspoon was working to stop in the movie Pleasantville. Take that shit elsewhere.
13. Cécile Rey and Marie-Grace Gardner (Antebellum Betches)
Damn ladies, too boring for your own story? I guess so, because there are two of you and you’re in last fucking place. I guess the point of these two was to show that a white girl and a black girl living in NOLA can chill together if they want, which is a cool message. Too bad that is overshadowed by the fact that Marie-Grace’s face is straight-up busted.
Seriously, I did not know that an American girl could be so damn fugly. What is going on here? Cécile, honey, this bitch is bringing you down. On your own you could have been maybe number five! You’re cute! But your friend is a total Monet, so enjoy sharing the last slot.
Images: Dimitra Merziemekidou / Shutterstock.com; American Girl