The other day I was chatting away with some guy named Chase on Hinge (is anyone ugly ever named Chase? The answer is no), when we get on the subject of our fav childhood toys. Mine were obviously American Girl Dolls, no questions asked. Yes, my mom made me buy the ratchet non-AG brand clothes sometimes, but simply owning an American Girl Doll was the ultimate 90s girl status symbol.
That got me thinking about the fact that my poor AG dolls never had one good love interest. (Felicity’s horse Penny does not count, although I’m sure horse girls would disagree.) So, I decided to assemble Hinge profiles for my favs, since even Revolutionary War-era plastic people deserve true love.
Felicity
Any guy that goes out with Felicity must know two things: one, she’s one of those girls who thinks you don’t need alcohol to have fun (she even got Jiggy Nye to stop drinking, LAME), and two, she’s obsessed with horses. So, actually, no one should go out with Felicity. She’s boring AF. Hinge guys, save yourselves.
Molly
There’s definitely a guy out there for Molly, and his name is probably Eugene. I’m guessing they’d do something like go to a nature museum or study the vegetables in Molly’s Victory Garden, because that’s the type of activity she’s into. As a side note, who wears pigtails over the age of six?
Josephina
Hinge guys are known to use the info on your profile to plan clutch dates… so it’s pretty obvious Josephina will be courted by numerous suitors attempting to take her for Tex-Mex. Let’s just hope the restaurant isn’t air conditioned, because that peasant blouse doesn’t look very warm. #NotPractical.
Kirsten
Kirsten was my favorite doll, mainly because she looks like me. Since she’s so down-to-earth (I mean duh, she lives on the prairie), it’s a safe bet that she’d be cool with drinks at a dive bar dive log cabin.
Samantha
Let’s be real, Samantha is high-maintenance AF. She would definitely require any Hinge guy take her to an expensive cocktail bar, where she’d order four $20 cocktails and not offer to pay. Seriously, such a betch, but at least she looks good. I mean, who wears a hat on a date?
Images: kawaii_cupcakes / Flickr; Hinge (6)
American Girl has finally gotten its first ever American Boy! Apparently men are also involved in American history. Weird.
The doll’s name is Logan Everett and he’s a drummer who rocks a flannel, graphic tee, sneakers, and an expression that says “I will tell you over dinner that your major sounds ‘incredibly interesting’ and then ghost you after we have sex.” As we pointed out in The Sup, Logan appears to be representing 2017 Fuckboy culture, and probably comes with a bottle of Axe body spray and a phone that’s halfway done texting “U UP?”
Haven’t seen Logan’s bedroom set yet but I’d bet my life it includes a mattress on the floor, that Pink Floyd poster of butts, and a crusty old bong. Not sure if they have AG dolls that can talk yet, but if so, then get ready to press Logan’s stomach and listen to him tell you all about his band!
Logan also comes with a girl friend (as in girl-who-is-a-friend) named Tenney (wtf?) who you know is just there to intimidate you and the other dolls. Logan will insist that he and Tenney are not dating and that she’s only texting him to talk about their “music” but as soon as you go snooping you know you’re gonna find Tenney’s holiday ensemble under the trash pile in Logan’s room (Logan’s room comes with a trash pile btw).
So you’re probably all wondering at this point where Logan fits in our Ranking Of American Girl Dolls By Betchiness. After conducting a brief investigation into Logan’s look, personal life, accessories, and demeanor, I have decided to rank Logan 6th. He is not nearly as betchy as Kirsten (#5), who comes with her own elaborate braid crown and a hat made of candles, but is significantly betchier than Molly, who we have already established is a narc.
And before you ask, Tenney is a side chick and for that reason has not earned the right to be ranked. Come correct next time, Tenney, and we’ll see.
