If you’ve been having a great week so far, I’m about to ruin it with a depressing statistic from the American Psychology Association’s website: “About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” Call me crazy (just kidding, I’m very sensitive), but I feel like the not-at-all-compatible celebrities who think getting married sounds like a fun thing to do between projects are at least partially responsible for this wildly depressing number of failed marriages. I mean, did Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton really place a vial of their blood around the other’s neck and think, “Yep, this is my forever!” I wonder what they did with the blood necklaces after they called it quits. Can they just throw them in the trash or is that, like, an unsafe disposal of bodily fluids? Anyway, I shouldn’t be singling out Angie and Billy Bob for getting married when they should’ve broken up, since they are just one of many celebrity couples who did the same thing. Don’t believe me? Keep reading for this list of celebrities you forgot were married.
Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise
We obviously all knew about this legally binding f*ck up, but it’s still shocking. Honestly, good for Tom for scoring such a dime, but Nicole, what the hell were you doing? Maybe Tom Cruise was not as horrible-seeming then as he is now, but I will never understand this relationship, especially since two adopted children came out of it. What’s more, neither Nicole nor the children (who are actually adults now) acknowledge each other. That sounds really sad. Like, if Nicole Kidman was my mom (Nicole, if you’re reading this, I’m available for adoption), I would definitely make sure that everyone I’ve ever met knew that.
Even though all parties alleged that their differing views on Scientology (the kids are believers and Nicole is not) did not influence their unfortunate familial situation, I think we all know that it’s probably got to do with the reason they don’t talk. Not that I’m a relationship expert, but I feel like before they got married and adopted kids together, Tom and Nicole should have discussed how they felt about being in a cult highly publicized and controlling church.
Jennifer Garner & Scott Foley
I don’t remember this genetically blessed mess because I was 10 years old when they got married, but I am kind of into it. They met in 1998 and separated in 2003, which is pretty good considering I’ve never been with someone for more than like, two years. Whatever, I’m not bitter. Unlike celebrities today **ahem, Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande** they kept their relationship and breakup pretty private, so no one really knows why they ended, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s because Jen got very famous and Scott did not. In any case, Jen leveled up with Ben Affleck, but in classic celeb fashion, they got divorced too. Too bad, so sad. We were all rooting for you!
Elisabeth Moss & Fred Armisen
Not to blame the failure of another celebrity marriage on Scientology, but there’s a reason these two ended it, and I have a feeling it’s because one of them **cough Offred cough** is a Scientologist. Moss once told the L.A. Times, “Looking back, I feel like I was really young, and at the time I didn’t think that I was that young. It was extremely traumatic and awful and horrible. At the same time, it turned out for the best.” Yep, it’s usually considered a good thing when something you look at as extremely traumatic and awful and horrible comes to an end.
They met when her Mad Men costar, Jon Hamm, hosted SNL (Fred Armisen was a cast member) in 2009 and she was in the audience supporting him. They got married a year later. I feel like it’s just never a good idea to get married after only a year of meeting each other. What is with celebrities and rushing into marriage? I didn’t even want to meet my ex boyfriend’s family a year after we had been together because I thought it was too soon, and I’m glad, because we ended up breaking up like six months later! Anyway, I guess it was an awful marriage considering she has no problem airing their dirty laundry to a national newspaper, so it’s probably a good thing these two called it quits.
Wiz Khalifa & Amber Rose
I am still sad they are no longer married. They were so good together and they’re still very good friends. Why couldn’t they just make it work? “Things happen and sometimes as much as you love each other, you’re better off as friends,” Rose told PEOPLE after the pair split in 2016. “I feel like we can be the best of friends but we just can’t be in a marriage together. And that’s okay, because as long as Bash is happy, and we’re able to co-parent, that’s the most important thing.” I mean, that’s a beyond mature way to look at it and I wish I could do the same thing for my failed relationships. Personally, I just pretend that all my exes died after things didn’t work out, but maybe I’ll give this “friends” thing a try. Even though they are no longer together, I will always think fondly of Wiz and Amber as the cutest couple since they always looked genuinely smitten with each other.
Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton
Like our friends June Osborne and Fred Armisen, these two thought getting married after a year of knowing each other sounded like a swell idea. I think it makes a little bit more sense for these two, though, since they were both rebellious wildcards in the late ’90s. One good thing came out of this super bizarre pairing: Maddox, their adorable adopted son, who can now vote in this year’s election. F*ck, I feel old. The two blamed their split on their vastly different lifestyles: hers a little more global and his a tad more…agoraphobic. That’s probably something you’d find out had you waited longer than two seconds before agreeing to marry each other, just saying. Not that it matters, but he was also 20 years older than she was, and considering she was only 24 at the time, it’s not that shocking that they broke up pretty quickly.
Alanis Morissette & Ryan Reynolds
This one is the most random in my opinion. She’s a 90s icon and he’s a current icon, but they’re only two years apart. Hmmm. Also an important thing to note is that they did not make it to the altar—but they were engaged, so I’m counting it. More on that, Morissette one said that her breakup with Reynolds was her “rock bottom.” I get that. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds would definitely be my forever lowest point. We’ll never know why they broke up, because a source close to the couple said shortly after the breakup, “They ask that their privacy be respected surrounding this personal matter,” which is honestly rude to all of the people who became as invested in their relationship as they were and need to know the details so that they (I) could move on, too.
And there you have it: the most random celebrity marriages. Are there any that I missed? Probably. Let me know in the comments!
Images: Getty Images (2); Shutterstock.com
Celebrities are always celebrated when they do shit that the rest of us get a lot of crap for. For example, when Jennifer Lawrence screams “where’s the pizza?” she gets turned into an viral sensation and asked about it on daytime television. When I do it, I get banned from ordering on the Domino’s mobile app. Given the fact that celebs are considered way more likable when they keep it “real,” you’d assume that they’d be a little more relatable on social media. Instead, they use their massive platforms to try to sell sports bras to us peasants. That said, there are some celebrities who don’t suck on Instagram, and we need more of them. Here are the celebrities who actually, honestly, truly keep it real on social media and who are worth a follow.
1. Chrissy Teigen
I mean, duh. Chrissy Teigen’s real AF Instagram is the reason we all love Chrissy Teigen. She’s always transparent and hilarious. Like, when she did a hair roundup of her Met Gala look when she didn’t go to the Met Gala, instead of just desperately posting selfies and old outfit pics like the rest of the celebrities that didn’t go. Most people think that social media was created for a bunch of nerdy college kids to talk about hot girls on the internet, but we all know it was solely intended for Chrissy Teigen.
2. Anna Kendrick
Anna Kendrick’s Instagram has like, the perfect ratio of red carpet photos to shots of her posing awkwardly in front of kind of funny scenes in sweatpants, with a solid few celebrity cameo selfies sprinkled in. When it comes to relatable social content, she practically invented it. She’s always actually relatable without forcing it.
3. Jordyn Woods
Being best friends with Kylie Jenner puts like, a lot of pressure on your social media game. I don’t know for sure, but I’m assuming that most days go like this: Jordyn taking nine million photos of Kylie, and then Kylie giving Jordyn 30 seconds to turn out some lewks and hopefully finding a pic that perfectly captures her best angles for the ‘Gram. It’s a job that I bet nobody could do but Jordyn Woods.
Peep that caption. THAT is how you caption a photo. None of this “nature is so beautiful” bullshit.
4. Rihanna
In the least surprising news you’ve heard since learning about a giant sinkhole in Washington DC that’s trying to eat the White House, Rihanna has made this list. RiRi is the queen (or are we calling her the priest now or something? IDK) of everything, and that includes Instagram spamming. When she looks good—which is always—she posts like, 45 pics in a row and is Unapologetic AF. (See what I did there?) Sometimes she skips the caption, sometimes it’s a few words about how she knows she slays everything, and sometimes it’s Cardi B lyrics. She wins.
5. Catherine Giudici Lowe
For a product of a television show that typically breeds FabFitFun unboxers and nothing more, it’s kind of amazing that Catherine Giudici and Sean Lowe are so funny on social media. Their kids are adorable AF and I somehow never get tired of seeing Catherine’s content.
6. Kehlani
A pretty good way to see whether or not a celeb is fucking with you through their social media game is to assess their sponsored content. Like, how believable is it? Are they trying to get you to buy some shitty sunglasses so they can get a cut? Or are they trying to sell you some kind of appetite suppressants to break the internet? Kehlani’s #sponcon always has a mission, so you know her IG is real. Every time she posts a Fashion Nova outfit, the check goes to an LGBTQ charity instead of just to her personal account.
7. Amy Schumer
It’s kind of impossible to scroll through Amy Schumer’s Instagram without picturing her screaming “KIM, TAKE MY PICTURE” at her sister for every photo. Although she basically makes a living off of shitting on celebs who take Instagram seriously, homegirl’s still gotta come up with a caption that tags her glam squad when she attends press events, and she does usually get creative with it in the process.
8. Amber Rose
I’ll be honest, I unfollowed Amber Rose on Instagram because I don’t find her posts extremely compelling (too many kid pics if you ask me); that said, I can certainly acknowledge that she keeps it 100. (Are people still saying that?) When I think of people who post pics of their butt, being like “here’s my butt” rather than trying to think of some pseudo-motivational caption or like “check out my new haircut”, Amber comes to mind immediately. I respect her honesty. Her bio literally reads “I’m not a Hoe I’m a Hoé cuz I’m Classy.” Inconsistent capitalization aside, I love that. Sorry Rih, but Amber Rose is the definition of unapologetic, and I think that years from now, feminist literature will mention her work to reclaim the word “hoe” from its misogynistic roots.
Honorable mention: Cardi B
Cardi B clearly takes the cake for the realest celebrity Instagram account. I know she has returned to Instagram after deleting it following a fight with Azealia Banks, but the 12 posts she’s shared since aren’t her true Insta style. I’m going to stay hopeful here, though. She’ll be back for real soon, prob.
