Over the past few months, I feel like my job has mainly been writing about drama caused by the gremlins that make up the YouTube community and the cast of Teen Mom. Who knew that these godforsaken people could be so fascinating? Honestly, if these people keep acting up, I’m going to start billing them directly for my time. Today, we’re talking about the ongoing saga that is the life of Jenelle Evans and David Eason. Remember them? Of course you do!
Before Amber Portwood acted up and got arrested for domestic violence last week (read those updates, they’re batsh*t insane), Jenelle was the primary source of drama in the Teen Mom cinematic universe, so let’s do a quick recap. Emphasis on quick, because I have a happy hour to get to, and they don’t pay me enough for this sh*t. Back in May, Jenelle called the cops on David because he shot and killed the family dog after it was aggressive toward their kids. She ultimately decided to stand by David, and a result of their behavior, their kids were taken away and she was subsequently fired from Teen Mom 2. Last week, reports came out that all of the kids except for one had been returned to custody with Jenelle and David, which I really didn’t know how to feel about. Got it? Great!
The new news is that, well, Jenelle might have made up the whole story about David shooting the dog in the first place. I’m sorry, what?? This whole thing stemmed from something that didn’t even happen? *insert Ja Rule tweet about being bamboozled and led astray.* I always assumed that both of these people were trash, but to lie about being trash? That makes you even trashier!!
This week, police reportedly closed the investigation into the case due to lack of evidence, and now they’re saying that David Eason didn’t shoot the dog, as previously reported. When this story first broke, Jenelle spoke to E! News, and told them that David “just took her and shot her in the woods…about two acres away from the house. Thankfully the kids did not see him shoot the dog.”
The police conducted a search of Jenelle Evans and David Eason’s property back on May 13th, and according to the new police report, they “found no blood evidence or any other physical evidence to validate that an animal had been fatally injured there.” After the search, Jenelle was interviewed again by investigators, and she admitted that she hadn’t seen or heard anything related to David shooting the dog, and that she made the story up for publicity.
I F*CKING CAN’T.
Normally, I would be excited to find out that a report of a dog being brutally murdered is fake, but we still don’t actually know what happened to the dog. When Jenelle Evans confessed to making up the story, she reaffirmed that she didn’t know where the dog is. Did the dog run away? Did Jenelle shoot the dog? Did they give it to a shelter? I have so many questions, and I’m rapidly running out of patience for this nightmare of a couple.
Jenelle Evans still hasn’t deleted her Instagram post from May 1, where she eulogizes about her dead dog:
This photo felt pretty f*cked up at the time, considering that she had allegedly already chosen to stand by her husband that shot the dog in the photo, but now I’m just confused. Especially because, at the time, David Eason posted an Instagram that seemed to be explaining why he shot the dog. The video has been deleted, but here’s what the caption was:
“I dont give a damn what animal bites my baby on the face… whether it be your dog or mine, a dog is a dog and I dont put up with that shit at all. I’m all about protecting my family, it is my lifes mission. Some people are worth killing or dying for and my family means that much to me. You can hate me all you want but this isnt the first time the dog bit Ensley aggressively. The only person that can judge weather or not a animal is a danger to MY CHILD is ME.”
Okay so like, ew, but why is he acting like the dog deserved it if he didn’t even do it? What happened to the dog??? It’s all a mystery. What does seem clear is that these two crazies are sticking together, dead dog or not. Three out of their four children are living with them again, so we’ll see how that goes. For now, I’m going to submerge myself in a bathtub full frozen margarita, because tequila is the only way I can deal with these people.
New details have come out surrounding Teen Mom star Amber Portwood’s arrest for domestic violence on the night of July 4th, and the story is just getting crazier. Honestly, at this point, these people are just daring me to shut down my entire life to binge Teen Mom, and I might just give in. If anyone has a working MTV login, please slide into my DMs.
In an affidavit obtained by Radar Online, the publication that brought us the Lisa Vanderpump dog drama, Amber’s boyfriend Andrew Glennon detailed his side of the story. Like all major domestic disputes, this whole situation was allegedly set off because Amber was upset that the traffic was too bad for the family to make it to the Fourth of July fireworks. Honestly, fireworks are overrated, so I would’ve loved to stay home, but Amber was not happy.
Andrew says that he dropped Amber off at home to “cool off,” and drove around for a bit with their son. When they got home, Amber was still upset, and she hit him with a shoe.
Live footage of Andrew getting home:
Apparently, Andrew wasn’t in the mood to have shoes thrown at him (who would be?), so he left the house and drove around some more. For three hours. That’s a lot of driving.
Andrew says he expected that Amber would’ve chilled out by the time he got home, but he obviously doesn’t know Amber. When he got to the house, Amber “was coming at him like she was going to hit him.” Yeah, that sounds more like what I was expecting.
Amber allegedly told Andrew to put James down (oh hey James! Where ya been for the past three hours?), which he refused to do because James was upset and crying. When Andrew didn’t put James down, he says that Amber threatened to kill herself. If you think we’ve gone from zero to 100 real quick, just wait for what happened next.
Andrew says that Amber then GRABBED A MACHETE. A LITERAL MACHETE. Okay, I’m no expert, but do most people have a machete in their house? Like, the kind that they use to crack open coconuts on Survivor? I have many questions about this whole situation, but somehow this is the craziest part to me.
Andrew then locked himself and James in their office, at which time he claims that Amber “struck the door with the machete and kicked the door and broke the handle.” So basically, this is a scene out of The Shining. At this point, Andrew called the cops, and Amber broke down crying at the top of the stairs. Again, we were able to obtain CCTV footage of this incident, which you can view below.
Amber has struggled publicly with bipolar disorder. She’s currently been released from jail on $2,000 bond, and Andrew has filed for full custody of their son.
I’m not sure where this crazy story will go from here, but it seems like Amber might need a break from the stress of raising a baby. James deserves whatever will make him safe, and that’s all we want out of this situation. I’m sure there’s more about the situation that we don’t know yet, but it’s obviously a sh*tshow.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy
I don’t normally keep up with what’s going on in the Teen Mom Cinematic Universe, but lately things have been pretty intense over there. In the past couple months, Jenelle Evans has been getting most of the headlines with her tragedy of a personal life (more on that later), but now she has to share the spotlight with Teen Mom OG star Amber Portwood. Portwood has faced many legal issues over the years, but this weekend she was arrested for domestic violence, and there’s a lot to unpack.
First of all, before y’all come for me in the comments, I know that Jenelle and Amber are on different shows. Amber has been on Teen Mom (now renamed Teen Mom OG) since 2009, while Jenelle has been on nine seasons of Teen Mom 2. Yes, I am telling you that two different Teen Mom shows are still on the air in 2019. And no, none of these women are teens anymore.
Anyway, let’s get back to Amber Portwood’s current issues. She now lives with her boyfriend Andrew Glennon, whom she met in 2017 on the set of Marriage Boot Camp: Family Edition. Sounds like a lucky place to meet a man, I guess? They had a baby together last May, but it already seems like things might not be going great.
At around 3am the night of July 4th, cops were called to their house because of a domestic disturbance. According to the Indianapolis Police Department, “the male victim stated his live-in-girlfriend and he were having a disagreement. During which time the female, later identified as Amber Portwood assaulted him, while he was holding their one-year-old child.”
Oh god, when will these people learn to get their kids out of the house before getting into physical fights with each other? (I’m kidding—the obvious solution is to use your words, not your hands.) Once the police came, they spoke to Amber and ended up arresting her, and the case will now be handed over to the Department of Child Services. It’s unclear what caused this specific disagreement between Amber and Andrew, but she’s been down this road before.
Amber also has a 10-year-old daughter with a guy named Gary Shirley, and their relationship was just as tumultuous. In 2010, she was arrested for assaulting him, and ended up serving 17 months in jail. You’d really think she would’ve learned her lesson from spending a year and a half in prison, but clearly she’s still got a ton of issues to work through. We’ll see what ends up happening this time, but it’s not looking great for Amber. Hopefully they do whatever is best for her kids, because they don’t deserve to be around this.
As for Jenelle Evans and her husband David Eason, let’s check up on what’s been going on with that whole mess lately. The custody case against them was dropped last week, meaning all of their kids (except for Jace, who is still with his grandma) are back in the house with them. I’m not sure how this is going to go, but good for them I guess. Also, Jenelle is reportedly moving forward with her makeup line, because that’s something the world really needs. Honestly, these people exhaust me.
So, I guess the moral of the story is that I might need to quit my job and watch every single episode of Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. These people are obviously messy AF, and extremely f*cking dark, which is generally what I look for in a TV addiction. If you never hear from me again, it’s probably because I’m too busy watching Teen Mom, bye!
Images: Shutterstock; realamberlportwood1__ / Instagram; Giphy
