I used to believe Us Weekly when they tried to convince me stars were “just like us.” I mean, can you blame me? How can you look at a photo of Matthew McConaughey pushing a shopping cart and think otherwise? Needless to say, I was wrong, and I wasn’t considering the fact that celebrities have homes on islands that can’t be located on a map. Like, these people do cocaine to prepare for award shows and they’ve never swiped a debit card in their lives. They’re extra. I recently enjoyed investigating/shit-talking strange things celebs do to stay healthy, and I’ve decided to dig even deeper into their bizarre diets. After doing some research, here are the diets worth talking about.
Something about the image of a 41-year-old woman waking up in her Santa Monica mansion and downing a jar of baby food for breakfast is just disturbing to me. In a world where you can literally hire a Michelin star chef to cook you gourmet healthy meals, you decide to crack open a jar of Gerber sweet potato mush meant for a 6-month-old. Honestly, I understand Reese is technically eating fruits and vegetables all day, but I really DGAF about how many nutrients are in these jars. You’re an adult. Stop eating baby food and eat some food meant for grown-ups. Or like, just buy a Vitamix if you’re that committed to eating blended produce.
We knew Megan Fox was a betch ever since she bitched out MK & Ashley in Holiday in The Sun, and her lifestyle choices since 2001 have only confirmed our convictions. Megan Fox has admitted that she literally hates dieting and exercising, so she basically eats whatever she wants and then goes on some extreme cleanse right before she has to look good for a movie. One psycho cleanse she loves is the vinegar diet, where she practically starves herself and takes shots of vinegar to flush water weight out of her body and cleanse her entire system, whatever that means. There’s no way this shit was cleared by her doctor.
Before Bey and Jay started cooking vegan spaghetti for dinner, Bey was a crazy dieter, and she did this insane master cleanse diet back in the day to drop 20 pounds for Dreamgirls. Aside from liquid shakes and soups, Beyoncé literally only drank this cleanse drink, which is a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. No solid food for 14 days. Personally, I’d die. Wouldn’t everyone? I guess that’s what differentiates the normal human from Queen B. Also like, her 50 Grammys and $350 billion net worth, but whatever.
It’s not exactly breaking news that Victoria’s Secret models starve themselves before the fashion show, but Adriana Lima’s protein shake diet just confirms that fact, so please stop showing us videos of these girls boxing with a fake trainer in an XXS sports bra. Adriana admits that for a couple weeks leading up to the show, she cuts out all carbs and relies on protein shakes to survive. Oh, she also works out for two hours a day. I mean, I felt lightheaded just typing that. How is this girl still standing? Can we just hope she eats some bread after the show is over like Gigi claims to do? I’m concerned.
I used to wonder how Amanda Seyfried looked like she was glowing at all times, and I guess it’s because she was eating raw celery everyday. Suddenly I’m not as jealous. A few years back, Amanda Seyfried ate an all-raw diet, which is exactly what it sounds like. She ate raw vegetables, nuts, and seeds. I seriously wouldn’t even feed that shit to a bird. Like, she now admits that it was intense and awful, but seriously, what kind of results are worth that pain? I’m gagging just thinking about snacking on raw spinach. Can someone please pass me an Oreo before I vom?
Remember when you were little and your mom would yell at you for eating Play-Doh? It turns out this bullshit is now being encouraged as a “detoxification” method. Shailene Woodley straight-up eats clay, and she actually swears by it. Apparently clay helps build your immune system, balances your pH levels, and helps your body fight off diseases. I’m sorry, but don’t Flintstones vitamins do the same thing?? This diet hack sounds like something your Pledge Master made you do and swear to never talk about again. This Hollywood alternative nutrition shit has officially gone too far.
Amanda Seyfried is a married woman now, and the rest of the Plastics definitely weren’t invited. In fact, no one was invited. Seyfried’s new husband Thomas Sadoski confirmed to James Corden (carpool Karaoke guy) on Thursday that the couple did, in fact, elope. Because when you’re as famous as Amanda Seyfried you don’t even need a wedding to make people pay attention to you for a year, because everyone already is.
“We just took off into the country with an officiant and just the two of us, and we did our thing,” Sadoski told Carpool Karaoke Guy. While “doing our thing” with an officiant sounds vaguely inappropriate, it really sounds like they decided not to do a wedding at all.
To be honest, its not surprising that Seyfried would do this. She’s always been pretty low-key (see: her sad excuse for an engagement ring), and having a giant wedding doesn’t seem like something she would be into. She’s also pregnant, and not that many women have a fantasy wedding scenario that involves a baby bump. Also, it’s probably hard for her to have a winter wedding. What if it rained? Her boobs would go crazy.
And if you’re wondering who tf
Karen’s Amanda’s new hubby is, he’s a mildly successful actor from those John Wick movies your boyfriend is obsessed with, and he’s nine years older than her. He’s decently cute but like, not a Hemsworth or anything.
All in all, the two seem like a pretty normal couple, aside from the fact that Amanda has been famous for like, her entire life. Like, did you know she modeled for Limited Too with Leighton Meester back in the 90s? You’re welcome.
They probably didn’t get many wedding gifts, considering no one was invited, but Amanda has four movies coming out this year so they should be able to afford a mixer and some wine glasses on their own. We wish the happy couple all the best, but it is kind of sad that the only chance we’ll have to see Amanda Seyfried in a wedding dress is to re-watch the last scene in Mama Mia. Or like, all of Mama Mia. Brb actually. Gonna go do that now.