Your wedding day is pretty much all about you (and like, a little about the person you’re marrying). However, there are a lot of factors that’ll determine the day you end up having. The biggest one, for most people, is your guests. People have to travel. People have to eat and drink. And people need to be told when, where, and what outfit to show off. In fact, pretty much all of your wedding day planning decisions are going to land somewhere in the middle of what you want and what makes sense for your guests.

Our psycho bride today appeared on Reddit and is not adhering to these unspoken rules. Not only is she not adhering, but her idea of a dream wedding is f*cking insane.

Setting The Scene

This absolutely f*cking bonkers story was discovered in, where else, the Am I The Asshole subreddit. It’s really just the gift that keeps on giving.  This thread is a real doozy. Let me be the first (well, not the first—there are quite a few commenters who share my feelings) to say yes, these people are 100% assholes. Let’s explore why:

“Every year on our anniversary, my fiance and I wake up early to go to the beach and watch the sunrise together. It’s a very special tradition, as we have both overcome a number of personal challenges during our time together, and the symbolism of watching a new day begin is deeply meaningful for us.”

Aww, that’s v nice fam. Good for you, jazz snaps all around.

“We decided we wanted to incorporate this into our wedding. Our plan is to have our ceremony on the beach and have everyone walk over to a beachfront restaurant for breakfast, bloody Marys and mimosas (we’ve already talked to the restaurant owner about this, who loves the idea and said he’d be happy to open early for us). After that, everyone is free for the remainder of the day. Our friends and family are mostly local and should all be able to travel to the beach in under an hour, except for some extended family flying in from Canada, but that’s unavoidable.”

LOL WUT. Wait, like, are you honestly, HONESTLY expecting me, your beloved mother/aunty/future MIL/bridesmaid to wake the f*ck up WHILE IT’S DARK OUTSIDE and on a F*CKING WEEKEND to watch you guys get married at the ACTUAL asscrack of dawn? And then to partake in the worst kind of wedding of all—a breakfast wedding?! I must be misinterpreting this, right?

The Nitty Gritty

“Based on our geographic location and the date of the wedding next summer, we’ve scheduled the ceremony start time for 5:30 a.m., when there should be plenty of light but the sun itself won’t be quite visible yet.”

NOPE. It’s a hard nope from me, dawg. So, if the ceremony is starting at 5:30am, that means the bride and her posse are going to have to be awake for hair and makeup at what time? 2:30? That doesn’t sound fun. That doesn’t sound like a super fetch time. In fact, that sounds like f*cking torture. And don’t tell me you and the girls can just pull an all-nighter. As someone who has had to do the wedding day thing exactly once, I will tell you that a good night’s sleep is absolutely imperative to having a non-terrible day.

Also, if, like the Reddit post said, the majority of guests live an hour away, that means they need to prepare to arrive around 5-5:15am, forcing them to leave their homes around 4am, which makes wake-up time around 2:30-3am, depending how long it takes these people to get ready and chug some coffee before they drive bleary-eyed in the dark. This sounds unsafe and downright rude.

How’s Everyone Feeling?

“We’ve been getting a LOT of backlash from our families about this, who say this is way too early and we need to move the ceremony to a more ‘normal’ time of day. But my fiance and I don’t feel like we’re asking for anything that unreasonable. AITA?”

OMG, you’ve been getting backlash? Are you f*cking surprised?! You’re asking people to travel in the day before or earlier in order to wake up at 3am, then be totally dead for the rest of the day. Do you honestly expect ANYONE to start drinking at 6am? What am I, in college? I’m an adult! Maybe not a high-functioning adult, but an adult nonetheless!

The options for your guests are either to pull an all-nighter and be completely useless the next day, forcing them to stay overnight in a hotel to sleep it off, or drive home after the drunk wears off around noon and crawl into bed. Like, what planet am I on?

Why not incorporate the sunrise into the end of the reception? Like, have a late ceremony at sunset, which would be symbolic AF, dance and drink all night, then encourage all of your guests to stay up for the sunrise grand finale. Wow, I should be a f*cking wedding planner.

Obviously, this Reddit poster has officially been labeled an asshole and comments have been closed. Here’s to hoping the bride and groom change their mind and do something more normal, unless they plan on giving everyone a LOT of really good drugs to stay awake for 24 hours.

Images: Derek Thomson / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

Brides can get kind of spooky as the big day gets closer. Like, if their flowers aren’t perfect, or their hair doesn’t look just like the Pinterest pic, or their bridesmaids don’t pay for a bachelorette rager… beware. It’s kind of like The Purge, but with more flowers and personalized gifts. In our case and with this story, we’ve got one out-of-control couple who is literally ready to charge their guests an additional fee if they don’t stay where Mr. and Mrs. Demandypants say. I’m skipping through the introductions here because I don’t want to give too much of the story away.

The Invite

Basically, the invitation in question, uploaded to the Reddit Trashy page, lays it all out for ya. The below was printed ON a couple’s wedding invitation.

So, okay, this sounds pretty rude when you look at it. Like, it’s one thing to have a hotel block somewhere, but to charge guests a fee if they don’t want to stay at the bride and groom’s probably expensive pick? That’s way harsh. Not to mention, how are they going to enforce that fee? An invoice? Small claims court? If you are charged the fee, can you factor that out of your gifts? The whole thing just feels tacky.

HOWEVER, if you just looked at this invitation and took it in a vacuum, you’d be missing on a key bit of background. According to one of the commenters, “Just so everyone is aware: Hotel Xcaret is an all-inclusive resort in the Mayan Riviera in Mexico. Resorts require you to pay for a day pass to use the facilities of the resort if you’re not staying there. That’s what the fee for the wedding is – it’s not something the bride and groom are charging to be dicks. They have no choice as per hotel rules.”

Right, okay, I hear that. However, I’m going to assume a few things here: First, the bride and groom are having a destination wedding. Second, a destination wedding is kind of already a dick move, considering that guests are expected to bring a gift, stay for multiple nights at an expensive resort or hotel, and either fly or drive a long way for what is, essentially, a four-hour party. Third, I can say all of this because I had a destination wedding. Don’t @ me.

Is It A Dick Move?

Based on exclusively the phrasing, which is literally printed in the wedding invitation, yes, the bride and groom are being dicks. HOWEVER, if they’re required to have a minimum number of people stay at this resort in order to qualify for their wedding, ceremony, reception, or whatever, it makes sense why they’d be so harsh in their wording. So, really, they are only being assholes because the resort is the bigger asshole and forcing the bride and groom’s hand. That sucks for everyone involved.

Regardless, though, this seems like something you’d want to communicate to your guests in person/via text/on your wedding website, and not printed in big bold letters on your actual invitation. Like, don’t you want to save one of those for posterity? Do you want the constant reminder of your insane wording that pissed every single one of your guests off?

On top of that, are the bride and groom pocketing that extra $120 “fee” for staying elsewhere to make up their losses? Or is that being collected by the hotel? Seems just insanely weird overall. Additionally, how dare you charge me to attend your wedding? I’m already bringing you that f*cking marble platter from your Crate & Barrel registry AND a $50 Restoration Hardware gift card (which we all know is a joke, since you can’t get a single thing at Restoration Hardware for $50). I would deny that Venmo request real quick, I’ll say that much.

Lastly, I spy grammatical errors, which makes this whole thing even funnier. It sucks that the resort is putting the bride and groom in this less-than-ideal situation, but there were probably classier ways to go about this. And at the very least, you should spell check your invitations.

Images: Mockaroon, Unsplash; Reddit; Giphy (2)

Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.

Do you ever sometimes just want to be a bride for a day so you have the “excuse” to act like a batsh*t psycho, be mean to little kids, and tell everyone it’s YOUR SPECIAL DAY? Me too. I was already a bride, though, so my time has come and gone. So instead, I’ll have to stick to living vicariously through demanding internet brides, which is why we started a Crazy Wedding Story of the Week series. If you missed the inaugural Crazy Wedding Story, click here. If you’re caught up because you live for this stuff as much as I do, then get ready. The subject of today’s crazy bride story made little kids cry, which, #goals, and also, #respect. Let’s just dive right in, because I don’t have all day.

WTF Happened?

Posted in the AITA subreddit (Am I The Asshole, for those of you who don’t internet quite so hard as I do), a bride felt she had to “choose” between two flower girls and her methods for choosing were, in a word, shallow. Things spiraled from there.

She writes:

“Got married last weekend and had a lovely day, but had some commotion early on the wedding day.

For flower girl, we had a choice between my two nieces, Amber and Katie. They’re both eight and it was a tough decision. Unfortunately for my perfect day I felt shallow and since Amber has more of a typical angelic ”cute” appearance (very long hair, glasses, big smile) I picked her. Her parents also convinced me she deserved it because she got top marks in some assessment her school did.

During the wedding prep Katie and her dad (my brother) kept telling me that Amber had been bullying her about the fact she didn’t get the job. The girls have never liked each other for reasons I don’t know. I didn’t pay too much mind to it since I was too caught up in myself.”

Alright, this starts out tame enough. I mean, I’m not really grasping why this woman couldn’t just have two flower girls, but I guess we wouldn’t have a Reddit thread to make fun of then, would we? Also, I’m dying at the fact that the bride admits she was feeling shallow and that she actually pretended to give a f*ck about Amber getting good grades. We all know that didn’t even remotely affect your decision. Just say you were doing it for the pictures and keep it moving.

The Bully Battle

Because 8-year-old girls are some of the meanest creatures known to man, naturally, they start bullying each other and it takes a wild turn.

“On the wedding morning I got to witness the bullying myself and it was pretty cruel. Amber (and keep in mind this is an eight year old child) told Katie that she’d never get married because she’s too ugly. I could imagine how upsetting this would be for a child and I made Amber apologise and also took away the flower girl job and gave it to Katie. Amber was crying throughout the wedding day, and for the past days I haven’t heard anything from her dad my other brother.”

First off, jazz snaps for the classy Queen’s English spellings (I assume this epic Reddit thread was written from the UK, and like to imagine that Kate Middleton is actually the author). Secondly, LOL at switching flower girls ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING. Like, could you not just say “hey, now we have two flower girls and you have to share because being an asshole gets you nowhere in life.”

Additionally, I have SO many questions related to hair, makeup, and dresses for these little monsters. Didn’t Amber already have a dress? Had she already rehearsed exactly how to walk down the aisle and use her cuteness to charm literally everyone? How would Katie know what to do? Did she have something acceptable to wear? Did she make Amber give her the dress? Are they even the same size??? *Takes deep, calming breaths* you’re right, I’m too deep into this story. But somebody has got to ask the important questions.

The Aftermath

Now everyone’s mad and nobody wins, except, I guess, the bride, who’s about to experience a super fun honeymoon without any (literal) middle school drama. OR SO WE THOUGHT:

“My husband and I are going away on our honeymoon on Thursday, and i was anxious to get in touch with my brother before we leave. He finally called me and was extremely angry at me for taking the job away from his daughter. He said Amber has been crying the past two days and felt really humiliated, and was really looking forward to the job.

As someone who was bullied myself growing up, it felt like the right thing to do after Amber’s behaviour towards Katie. I can’t imagine how upsetting those comments would be, and at that point Katie, who had never been anything other than well behaved deserved it more than Amber.”

OK, there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, I get the brother being mad that his kid got shafted out of flower girl duties at the last minute. However, he needs to recognize that number one, this is not a big deal at all, but number two and more importantly, his kid was, without mincing words, a total asshole. I feel like this is a valuable parenting/teaching moment. I get the impulse to deflect responsibility, but your kid is not going to get anywhere in life if they never face consequences for sh*tty behavior.

Also, where are Katie’s parents in all this? I feel for this kid. Someone buy her a stuffed animal or some cotton candy!

The post author, our bride, has been voted an asshole, for those who are interested. I’m inclined to agree if ONLY for the fact that both girls should have been flower girls to begin with. (To her credit, and not to pile on her too much, the bride says that she just genuinely did not think to have two flower girls.) Also, she was kind of an asshole for picking a kid strictly based on cuteness instead of whether or not she was a mini Regina George. I do hope, though, that these third grade monsters and their parents don’t ruin this bride’s honeymoon. Nobody deserves that for a “job” that is just scattering some flower petals.

Images: Shutterstock.com / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

Another day, another wacky wedding story thanks to the people who post their problems on Reddit for me to read and laugh at while I’m supposed to be working. I don’t know about you, but nothing truly gives me life quite like stupid wedding etiquette questions that seem pretty cut and dry to those of us who have, like, common sense. Today’s wedding story, though, is a little less black-and-white than our usual “Am I a bridezilla for telling my Maid of Honor to terminate her pregnancy so she does not appear pregnant in my wedding photos?” type stories. Let’s just get right into it, with a problem I’m dubbing “Mo’ Titties Mo’ Problems.” You’ll see why in a sec. Here’s the dilemma she posted on the Am I The Asshole subreddit, or r/amitheasshole. It involves a bra, a blue dress, some really stupid questions, and some fun word play. Let’s go.

The Setup

So, our OP posted this f*cking novel to the AITA subreddit, and has been officially voted an asshole. For the uninitiated, Am I The Asshole (or AITA as it’s lovingly called) is pretty self-explanatory. People write in about various scenarios that have happened to them, and the good people of Reddit decide who was the asshole in that situation. So, strap in and get ready to judge strangers—our favorite pastime!

Here’s the rundown from the OP herself. Please note, all spelling and (atrocious) grammar has been left as-is:

“My boyfriend’s (M27) brother is getting married. I (F22) often don’t wear bras (free the titty). I wear them to work, in a (business) professional setting, but if I’m going out with friends and family I don’t wear them. My boobs aren’t huge enough to where the flop everywhere, but I’m not flat chested either. My boyfriend has informed me that his brother’s fiancé has requested I wear a bra at the wedding, quoting ‘I don’t want no free range titties.’ Their family really looks down on it and thinks I’m a hippie heathen that has abandoned God and is motor-boating Satan.

I respect that 100%, it’s her day. However I’m trying to match my boyfriend’s attire, which is blue. I even dyed my hair to his color as well. The dress (blue) that best fits for the wedding (I have no time or money to buy a new one) is not designed to have a bra. I have a few other dresses, but they’re white (big no). I have a black dress as well but I wore that to their grandma’s funeral (so also no). I have other dresses/gowns but they’re very fancy and I don’t want to out dress the bride.”

First off, this has got to be a troll post, but for my own amusement, I’ll pretend this is real. People do tend to do crazy things, so I guess this story could be true—but just know that I’m proceeding with caution, so don’t @ me in the comments that this post is “obviously fake”. Now that we’ve covered that aspect, there are a couple of things to unpack here—like how the bride is so morally offended by the existence of breasts but has no objections to this girl dying her hair blue to match her boyfriend’s outfit. Seems like a weird hill to die on (or dye on, lol) but ok.

But let’s talk about the problem at hand. Or, more accurately, the problem at chest. (Okay, you’re right, I’ll stop now.) On the one hand, I have a feeling that if this bride is specifically requesting OP wear a bra, her situation is more noticeable than she makes it seem. However, let’s please give this girl a Pulitzer for the phrase “motor-boating Satan.” I don’t know what exactly it is or why it works, but it speaks to my soul and has sparked joy.

On the other hand, does anybody else find it a little ridiculous that the bride went out of her way to ask one guest to wear a bra? “Free range titties” or no, it’s a weird thing to do. Like, I would think she would be too preoccupied with, ya know, getting married, picking out flowers, avoiding her future mother-in-law, etc. to care about one guest’s body. Also, I struggle to see how this is THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Maybe, as the groom’s brother’s girlfriend, she’ll be in some pictures, but the OP isn’t a bridesmaid, so it’s not like she’s going to be in every single shot.

The Solutions

The OP then goes on to explain why she reallyyyy just cannot wear a bra, no matter how much she may want to.

“I’ve put on the bra with the dress, but it’s terrible and more offensive. You can see the straps and side of the bra, and a tube is still visible too. Even a cardigan can’t cover it fully. It’s not a provocative dress either, it wraps around the neck and shows some side boob but everything else is covered. No shoulder, hence seeing the straps of the bra. I have a bra with fancy straps and I’m thinking about just going French style (France sees bra straps as an accessory, compared to america’s ‘hey your strap is showing’).

Would I be an a*shole if I just taped my nipples and wore the dress? Or should I wear the most off white dress I own? I honestly don’t mind wearing a bra for the wedding, but the dress I would most like to wear isn’t made for a bra.

While I thought it wasn’t her place to say what I can and can’t wear, it is her WEDDING. Soooo… what do I wear?”

Honey, this is 2019. You have options outside of “wear a bra that will completely be visible” or “expose your free-range titties even though the bride specifically requested you not do that.” The Reddit community seems to think OP is the asshole in this situation, since her ultimatum has become “I’ll wear no bra with this dress I like” or “I’ll wear this white/off-white dress with a bra and piss everyone off even more.”

Also an important question: Has the OP ever heard of chicken cutlets? Strapless bras? Like, there are alternatives here.

The Verdict

The OP has since commented on the post and said she WAS thinking about wearing the sticky boob cutlets, but hadn’t considered them a “bra.” In this case, I think they would count. I feel like the bride is really just asking the OP to get a little support.

Reddit thought the OP was the asshole, with the top comment from u/kaitou1011 saying, “YTA because you’ve created a dichotomy of ‘I wear this dress or something much worse’ and ‘I wear this dress with a visible bra or with no bra at all.'” They continue, “You’ve picked a dress for the wedding, it seems, with the express excuse of going against the one thing they’ve asked you, and it seems pretty deliberate. You’ve got lots of other options, like buying a new dress that doesn’t have this problem (especially considering if there’s sideboob it’s probably not appropriate for a wedding of people who think not wearing a bra makes you a hippie heathen whose abandoned God and is motorboating Satan.). There are also some age-old tricks for hiding bras under revealing dresses, as well as actual products meant for that purpose like strapless bras or that one backless bra thing you can buy online for like five bucks which also gives really great cleavage too. But seriously, just go buy an appropriate dress at freaking WalMart.

I can see this point. It seems like this person wrote this entire post to Reddit just so that strangers could validate her choice, and had no intention to ever acquiesce to the bride’s request. We hate a validation post over on AITA. Reddit is a fickle beast, and the commenters do not always side with the OP.

That said, personally, I think both the OP and the bride are the assholes. The OP for the reasons laid out, and the bride for making this weird body-shaming request in the first place. It would be one thing if the bride asked nicely and acknowledged that this is a strange and low-key rude request, but she went about it pretty poorly, if OP’s account is to be believed. Also, the internet typically rules against brides who try to dictate their bridesmaids’ appearances, and I don’t see why this is any different. If you ask me, the bride is the bigger asshole for making a huge deal about something that probably won’t even matter. Sadly, we’ll never know what ended up happening, because OP has not provided an update.

Do you think the bride was the asshole, or the OP? Do you have any insane wedding stories to share? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Fahad Waseem / Unsplash

At this point, we’re all pretty accustomed to hearing crazy bridezilla stories. Whether it’s someone you’ve had to deal with in real life, or you just like reading about psycho brides on Reddit, we all love good wedding horror story. Well, the one we’ve got today might just top them all. When I first saw it, my jaw literally dropped, and I’m still not sure I’ve fully processed it.

This particularly story was posted in the subreddit r/bridezillas, and the title of the thread is an immediate sign that something went very wrong here: “I think I was kicked off the bridal party for refusing to wear a wig.”

Oh yikes. Before even knowing any of the context, you know this isn’t going to be good. Any story that involves someone telling a woman what to do with her hair or appearance in general usually doesn’t end well, and when a wig is involved? You just know sh*t is about to hit the fan.

Here’s how the story starts:

I am very good friends with the bride to be, lets call her Karen for simplicity. She got engaged about 1.5 years ago and immediately asked me to be a bridesmaid which I was thrilled about (she was my maid of honor for context). To make a long story short I got some real bad news in the past year and had to undergo radiation and chemotherapy. I don’t want to go into details about this because its still very traumatic for me. My hair fell out and I am recovering but my hair is still very short.

Wow. Okay, so Karen and the person who posted (let’s call her Jessica) were really close, so it seems like a total no-brainer for Jessica to be a bridesmaid. The medical situation is incredibly unfortunate, but luckily she came out the other side.

I have also been very active in the survivor community and have been involved in fund raising and public speaking.Karen has been super supportive through all of this. She is a nurse and it has been nice to have someone with medical background to chat about some of this issues about this.

Okay, so not only have Karen and Jessica been super close in the past, but it seems like Karen has been a pretty good friend during the whole cancer ordeal. That’s why the rest of this story is so shocking. When Karen invited her friend out for a celebratory day, things seemed to be going well, until they really weren’t.

At the end of the day she takes me to a special hair salon which specializes in high quality wigs. I am a little taken aback by this because Karen knows that a lot of the work I have been involves psychological treatment in cancer patients and avoiding the shame associated with hair loss for instance. I politely go through the appointment and even try on some wigs although I was quite upset honestly. I politely decline when she offers to pick one out and try to forget the whole ordeal.

What the f*ck? What kind of friend would do this, especially when they know exactly what the other person has been through for the past year? Of course, anyone is welcome to choose whether or not to wear a wig, but Jessica had clearly made her preference known. Dealing with hair loss is a deeply personal issue, so this isn’t the type of thing that should ever be planned as a surprise.

This is where things get really shady:

So she calls me yesterday and tells me that I can’t be in the bridal party any longer because the minister stated there are too many people in the bridal party. This completely floors me because basically I am her number 2 girl after her sister (who she barely gets along with).

I’m sorry, but this is just not how weddings work. The post says that this is happening just two weeks before the wedding, which is wayyyy too late in the game to be making decisions about how many bridesmaids you can have. At this point, everyone’s already bought a dress and everything, so just suck it up and have one too many bridesmaids. And why would the minister even be thinking about something like this? Like, go pray or something.

I had my doubts about this excuse, and so did Jessica:

I call around and although some of the other bridesmaids are reluctant to tell me anything hint at the fact that Karen was worried about how the pictures are going to look with someone with a bald head. I was so upset, I tried to call her but she did not respond. I am thinking I am may not go to the wedding but want to make sure I am not overthinking this.

Hey girl, can I have Karen’s number? I just have some questions. Whatever the final reason was for Karen asking her friend not to be in the bridal party, it’s messed up that she was talking to the other bridesmaids about how the photos would look. Girl, you have an entire wedding to plan, so worry about something that matters.

That was the end of the original post, but then Jessica updated us after the finally got a hold of Karen. And it only gets worse.

She told me that it was definitely not because of my hair but because the minister was adamant that six maid of honors was too many. She went on to say that I have been really distant the past year and that I didn’t seem interested in helping her with the wedding which is why she decided to select me to be off the wedding party. She said she helped me a lot and that I’m not returning the favor by being a team player. She said that she knows I am going through a lot but that my personality “has changed” and that I’m not the friend she knows from childhood. I’m still conflicted but she brought up the wig again almost like if it wear it I can be back on the team. She didn’t actually say that but kind of a weird feeling I got.

I can smell bullsh*t a mile away, and Karen is so full of it. First of all, your friend had CANCER. Sorry if she didn’t have time to go to your wedding cake tasting in between her chemo appointments, isn’t she such a bitch?! Unless Jessica is leaving something important out, it really doesn’t seem like anything happened that was drastic enough to warrant being kicked out of a wedding two weeks beforehand. And by bringing up the wig again, Karen just digs her grave the full six feet under. Babe, if that truly wasn’t the reason, you wouldn’t even bring it up. Girl, bye.

Is this the craziest bridezilla story yet? Perhaps. It’s certainly one of the most personally hurtful. At the end of the Reddit post, she says she’s done with Karen, and that she won’t be attending the wedding. Given all that’s gone down, that seems like the right choice. Or maybe she should go just to sabotage the wedding? Idk, just an idea.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

Buckle up, cause we’ve got another atrocious yet hilarious viral bridesmaid/wedding horror story for your viewing pleasure. Honestly, what did we do at work BEFORE Reddit? Like, actually work? Lame, fam – let’s revel in other people’s drama.

Because at our core we’re really all just messy b*tches, this story about a bridesmaid who’s been pushed too far is giving us life. Fox News, Trump rag extraordinaire, carried the story last week, and after digging around on the internet i.e. clicking the links that the good people at Fox provided (um, you’re welcome), I’ve got the full insane picture of this absolute nightmare scenario.

Crappy Massages And Prostitutes

This whole story starts out as an “Am I The Asshole” thread, led by a soon-to-be bridesmaid in an upcoming May 11 (this f*cking weekend) wedding. Basically, said chica is being asked to walk arm-in-arm down the aisle during her best friend’s wedding with her now ex-fiancé. Normally, this would be a typical, “hey, suck it up” scenario. However, what the ex-fiancé is accused of doing is laughably sh*tty:

“Jump into the worst week of my life. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years. Loved him with every fiber of my being, wedding planned for August. Refused a job offer so could move with him for his next Air Force assignment. Monday a call girl from a website called massage republic texts him in the middle of the night saying she’s reaching out to old clients because she’s back in the game (his phone was at my house while he was flying) I text back she must have wrong number. She says she doesn’t. In a moment of brains I pretend to be him instead of the jealous girlfriend and call girl gives me all the details. I’m such a fool this had been happening under my nose for years.”

So, first off, “he was flying” leads me to believe this asshole is a pilot. RULE NUMBER, LIKE, THREE OF DATING BROS – Never marry the pilot. I’m sure there are great non-cheating pilots out there, but these guys are NOTORIOUS for bangin’ round the world.

“I’ll Make It Up To You”

“I confront him, he claims to be a sex addict and promises to change. I consider it for half a second and say no. Cue uncontrollable crying, self doubt, a battery of STD tests, awkward encounters with him, fight over the ring, his mom (who I loved) calling me non stop and begging me to reconsider and on and on.

And on top of all this my best friend is marrying his best friend may 11th. Groom doesn’t want to rock the boat at this late date and selecting a new best man. Bride says she has way too much in her plate and is begging me to just go through with it and she’ll ‘make it up to me.'”

I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks the bride here is kind of an asshole for making the scorned bridesmaid walk down the aisle with this mouth breather?! I would NEVER ask one of my friends to suck it up in this situation.

What To Do?

This poor girl continues to, well, spiral through her emotions via Reddit. Not only is she feeling self doubt and horror at her current fiance situation; she’s also caught wondering if she’s a bad friend for NOT WANTING TO BE WITH HER PROSTITUTE-LOVING EX.

“I’ve never hated a human being as much as I hate him. I can’t be in the same room with him let alone walk arm in arm with him. I understand the whole wedding doesn’t need to fall apart because I’m upset. so I just want to not go and spend the day downing the left over percocets from my wisdom teeth operation, fucking as many tinder dudes who can stand to be around me after not showering and burning all his shit.

Would I be the asshole if I back out of the wedding?”

May I be the first to say, “baby, what is you doin?” This bridesmaid shouldn’t be made to go through having to even TOUCH this man, let alone walk with him and pretend it’s all whatever. She’s a pretty good person, in my book, for even stating that “the whole wedding doesn’t need to fall apart because I’m upset.” If it were me, I’d probably try to highjack the entire wedding and make sure EVERYONE knew this guy was a radioactive asshole. But, I’m not a nice person, so…

Wrap It Up

After Fox News (and other fake news outlets) blew up this thread, the bridesmaid returned to answer a few questions and fill in the blanks for those of us VERY invested in this whole ordeal.