Aryan race, beware… looks like we’ve finally found your flaw. The American Journal of Medical Genetics just released a study claiming that light-eyed individuals (especially blue) are more at risk of developing alcoholism than their dark eyed counterparts. This is great news for some because they can now start blaming eye pigment for their alcoholic tendencies instead of bad relationships, absent fathers, etc. Researchers admit the findings are only a small portion of preventing alcoholism, but let’s be real, scientists can’t do shit when it comes to our drinking habits.
This news is probably the first to ever touch on the disadvantages of having blue eyes. All our lives we’ve been bombarded with song lyrics and Photoshopped pictures boasting the unparalleled beauty and exceptionality of blue-eyed women. Millions of brown-eyed girls can attest to eye-rolling the shit out of someone gushing about how beautiful someone’s blue eyes are (like, she’d only be a 4 if she had brown eyes, ugh). So, brown eyed betches, here’s some good news. Your blue-eyed friend may get more free drinks at the bar, but you are way less likely to show up drunk to your child’s piano recital. Even trade, right? And after all, eyes are the windows to the alcoholic’s soul.
To my friend and the glass of alcohol she’s holding at all times,
A lot of our friends are happy to drink when it’s “socially appropriate” aka at a Saturday night pregame or Sunday afternoon brunch, depending on who you ask. It’s kind of a given that both of us will already be wasted by the time we show up to those events, but we can def appreciate the effort that they’re putting in (and be envious that they’re drunk after just 7 or 8 shots).
You, on the other hand, are a drinker of a totally different breed, meaning you’ll gladly order a cocktail anytime and anywhere. When the waiter accidentally includes the drink menu at a Wednesday morning breakfast, you’ll be the first to say “Actually you can leave it, we’ll take a look.” You’ll suggest pregaming innocent events like apple picking, and you’ve never not ordered a pitcher of margarita when that’s an available quantity.
You’re always down, which means we can avoid the “should we or shouldn’t we” dance that occurs with others. I only have to sit through 10 seconds of, “A glass of wine sounds nice but I don’t really need it. Are you having one? Maybe I could. Actually, I’m all set” to have me both extremely shook and appreciative of your existence. With you it’s never a question of if we’re drinking, but of how much and which kind of vodka we want, and I’m so grateful for that.
So thanks for being so reliably thirsty, and enabling my own
clear alcoholism desire to turn up at all times. My liver hates you, but my heart will always love you. Actually my heart is currently palpitating, but you’re still really, really fun.