I hope you all enjoyed your three-month furlough from The Bachelor, because it’s time to scurry back to prison, where we’re all forced to watch aspiring Instagram models who are pretending to fall in love blind us with their veneers for 2-4 hours a week. The break was nice while it lasted! And now that it’s back, so is the wall-to-wall coverage. And that coverage doesn’t just include the show itself, but all the stories that are constantly being written about it (hi) and now, apparently, a song about the former lead, Hannah Brown.
That’s right, country star Jake Owen went live on Twitter on Thursday night to reveal a song he wrote called “Alabama Hannah.” Subtle. It’s like if I included the Instagram handle of every person I shaded in these articles instead of the classy way in which I simply allude to how they’ve wronged me and then threaten to burn down their house. Now, many of you might be asking who Jake Owen is, and I guess that’s a valid question from you sad, sad people who haven’t yet discovered the beauty of country music. Since I’m so sweet, I’ll help you out here. Jake Owen is a country artist who is not as good as Tim McGraw, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Eric Church, or Chase Rice. Got it? So Jake posted this video, explaining his new song and then singing it. Take a listen here, and then let’s break it down together.
Alabama Hannah (live from the barn)
https://t.co/0gSLuioEtM— Jake Owen (@jakeowen) January 10, 2020
That was a lot. Let’s first talk about his preamble. Jake says that on Monday night his girlfriend had the new season of The Bachelor on and that all he heard about was Alabama Hannah. I understand how this could make him upset, when there were so many other cosmetically-enhanced chests attractive ladies on screen with important things to say! He also reminds us that he was on Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette playing “Made For You” in “Rhode Island or somewhere.” SURE, JAKE, pretend like you don’t remember where you were right before every 19-34-year-old woman in America added your song to their “future wedding” playlist *raises hand in shame*. He also says he started to feel for “this Peter guy,” because sympathy is definitely the emotion we should all be feeling for a man who has his pick of 30 beautiful women throwing themselves at him.
I would also like to mention that even though we are calling this a diss track, Jake specifically mentions that he loves Hannah, and this is not meant as a diss on her name, he thinks she’s a sweet girl. A sweet girl who he is just trying to capitalize off of, ALRIGHT?
Now, let’s talk about the song itself. I really liked “Made For You”, but does “Alabama Hannah” seem like it was written by an emo 16-year-old working through his feelings in his basement, waiting for his mom to finally bring him his Totino’s pizza rolls? I mean, it’s not the abomination that “Mr. Right” was, certainly, but I’m starting to think songs are best not written about Hannah?
And these lyrics! He’s literally just repeating what he saw on screen! I mean, sure, I’m doing that for an article right now, but I expect more out of people that aren’t me. Jake sings, “Well I guess you think you messed up since you see me moving on, thinking we could pick up right where we left off.” Well, at least we know that your brain can process images you seen on screen, because that is exactly what happened. And, I guess that’s catchier than a song lyric than one that explains Hannah signed a contract that mandated she return to the show for the sake of ratings. I also think those contracts probably mandate the contestants let Chris Harrison drink their blood to give him that continuous dewy glow of youth, but I have yet to confirm. If you have seen a Bachelor contract, DM me please. Jake also says things like, “Alabama Hannah lord honey get out of my life,” and “You had your chances, so won’t you leave me alone.” Ouch.
But also, like, this isn’t about you, Jake. Last I checked, Hannah was not trying to get with you. Relax.
Another lyric goes, “Girl this ain’t no windmill we can’t go round and round.” Et tu, Jake? You are also going to beat this poor windmill into the ground? The windmill is officially the new Stagecoach, and I feel for it. A windmill has a noble job. It makes electricity! We need electricity! We can’t watch The Bachelor without it! And now, it’s been reduced to the site of a sexual encounter between two reality stars who the world will forget in five years or less. But for the windmill, the shame will always remain.
Thankfully, Hannah has a sense of humor and bad taste in music, and tweeted back at Jake:
Well, this is one way to get a song written about you. This is some catchy shade @jakeowen https://t.co/W2QQqOFh0A
— Hannah Brown (@hannahbrown) January 10, 2020
That’s sweet! It is nice to have a song written about you, now in 75 years her grandchildren can listen to this song, and remember their granny fondly as they hear about the days when she f*cked in a windmill. Precious moments!
Whether this song is any good or not (it’s not), at least tonight we will get to see the dramatic conclusion of Hannah and Peter’s conversation on The Bachelor. Will Peter kick her out? Will the other women beat Hannah to death with a stiletto? Will anyone get her a makeup wipe? Time will tell!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; jakeowen, hannahbrown/Twitter; thebachelor/Instagram; Giphy
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Welcome back, folks, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I fully expect this week’s episode to include a total of 30 minutes of actual usable footage and the remaining 1.5 hours will be a metaphorical drawing and quartering of Luke P’s character. I’m giddy with anticipation. When we last left off, Hannah and the men were in Crete, Greece, where she had to decide which of the men she would need to bang in a windmill connect with on a deeper level and which of them she would just dry hump for nine hours. Tbh I’m still not well with her choices. But one choice I can get behind from last week’s episode is that Hannah finally sent Luke P back to the communal shower from whence he crawled out of—and all it took was him slut shaming her on national television and then condescendingly asking her to pray with him! I would have dumped him the first time I saw him line up with the other guys and realized he was entire heads and shoulders smaller than the rest of them, but to each her own, I guess.
The Rose Ceremony
Moving on. Back in Crete, we’re picking things up where we left off with the rose ceremony. Hannah, finally free of the 5’6″ overly coiffed Big Jesus Energy that was Luke P, shows up to deliver the roses looking like she just walked off my mood board from junior year of high school. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Hannah, but Deb called and they want their prom dress back, honey!
Hannah:
Me:
Meanwhile, Luke P is back AND HE BROUGHT A RING. What?!?!? He’s like, “I’m on my way and I’m coming” and that’s a line I’ll hear in my nightmares. Honestly, any producer who can talk a grown man into humiliating himself on national TV twice within the span of 18 hours AND to do it with an engagement ring he was definitely told was a Neil Lane diamond when it’s really from the Denny’s gumball machine down the street, deserves a raise. Bravo, sir.
Chris Harrison: Hannah, do you know who you’re going to send home?
Me to my dog alone in my living room: It should be whoever suggested this outfit.
I love that Luke goes to stand in line with the other three men WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ELIMINATED ALREADY as if he will be getting a rose this evening also. It’s this mix of confidence and delusional thinking that I’ll be bringing with me into my next job performance review.
God, Luke has no shame. He keeps saying how he loves Hannah and the relationship isn’t over for him yet and it’s like, GO HOME LUKE. YOUR MOTHERBOARD IS MALFUNCTIONING. Seriously, which intern pulled him off the charger and let him walk right into that rose ceremony? Chris, was that your least favorite nephew again?
Luke continues to beg and plead for Hannah’s attention and, honestly, it’s getting hard to watch. Normally, reducing a grown man to groveling on national TV is how I get off my preferred method of winding down after a long day, but honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take of this, especially as it becomes clear that he’s not leaving.
Hannah tries to take control of the situation by physically moving the table with the roses on it so he’s not standing in front of it anymore, and he STILL crowds her space. It’s unsettling to watch and maybe even a little triggering. Why do I feel like half the men back home watching this are thinking to themselves “I would never treat a woman like this” but have also sent a text/DM/subtweet to a woman that said “whatever ur a fat bitch and i wuz never into you anyway” when rejected?
Luke: Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over?
Hannah:
I love how Jed is acting like he is the sole reason Luke was finally dismissed from the rose ceremony. You literally just stood there in your poop brown suit and raised your eyebrows from a safe distance. That’s all you did!!
“The Men Tell All” Also Known As “The Luke P Show”
In a jarring transition from rose ceremony to The Men Tell All, Chris Harrison starts things off by calling in Jesus’s favorite f*ckboy: Luke. I’m sorry, but I thought this was The Bachelorette? Why are we giving this Fox & Friends acolyte one more minute of screen time? He practically hijacked this entire season, does he really need a spotlight during The Men Tell All? We know he’s a piece of sh*t, we don’t need to devote the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of this episode to investigating this claim at length!
Luke tries to explain his extremely sexist and misogynistic remarks to Hannah during the fantasy suite, and it’s not going well for him. He’s like, “I’m not okay with her straddling or mounting or kissing other guys.” STRADDLING OR MOUNTING. These are words being said on primetime television rn!!! He sounds like he’s describing my dog’s archnemesis at the dog park who is always trying to dominate her, instead of the woman he seriously considered marrying.
Also, why did Luke even go on this show? He had to know about the fantasy suites prior to being on this season. Clearly this is not the dating forum for him, so why even go on the show? Did he need to raise money for his church’s mission trip? What was the motive here? I’m suspicious.
Chris Harrison once again tries to pull some sort of emotion out of Luke P by asking him about that half-baked proposal, and the result is a full minute’s worth of silence. You can practically hear his programming malfunctioning in the background. If you look closely enough, you can see the smoke from his wires frying.
“I’m getting choked up over here,” Luke says with absolutely no emotion as he describes in monotone his thought process behind slut shaming a woman on national television. No, you’re getting choked up because for the first time in your life people are holding you accountable for your words and actions and it’s upsetting to you.
Luke: If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.
IF I COULD GO BACK I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!! Is this the part where the angry mob swarms him? Because if so I’ve been sharpening my pitch fork for the last 45 minutes and can be ready to go in 10!
It’s just crazy that he literally has no idea what a piece of sh*t he is. There is no self-awareness there at all. At one point he even mentions wanting to “save” Hannah and refers to his time on the show as a “rescue mission” as if a woman WHO IS THE GODDAMN LEAD OF THE SHOW can’t save herself. Disgusting.
Okay, who tf is Devon and did he go bullfighting before this?
Devon: Can I just be real with you for a second, Luke?
Also Devon:
The resemblance is uncanny!!
I’m sorry, but did Luke truly just say that he believes a man should guide and control the relationship? IN THE YEAR 2019 ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN. You know what? I do hope he gets invited to Paradise this year, if only so I can watch Demi roast him over a spit and serve his entrails to the her enemies. It’s the very least you can do for me, ABC.
Chris invites the other men from Hannah’s season out onto the stage to read the rest of Luke’s crimes before the public hanging commences. I can think of no better punishment for his transgressions than putting him in the public stocks for at least 30 minutes while members of the audience throw spoiled fruit at him and Luke S goes into a detailed account of his tequila brand.
Chris Harrison: Do you guys have anything to say to Luke?
Connor: Yeah, f*ck you man.
Connor! Such language! He better hope his mother isn’t watching. He might have to put a quarter in the swear jar.
Luke continues to dig his own grave with the men. It’s like they all heard it’s 2019 and realized if they want to get laid by their following they’re going to have to do a little more than just post about their new Bachelor recap podcast on IG—they might actually have to show they care for and respect women. Crazy!!
As the crowd starts to turn on Luke and the men finish fashioning their cuff links into makeshift shivs, he tries one last attempt at explaining himself. He talks about the hypocritical moment when he slut shamed Hannah for having sex, when in fact he was not a virgin either. He’s like “some people call it secondary virgin, others call it just the tip, but you know what the deal is!” Do we, Luke??
Luke continues to show zero remorse and then hops on a flight out of there to go find a new woman to emotionally abuse.
A Moment Of Appreciation For The Gift That Keeps On Giving: John Paul Jones
Chris Harrison calls JPJ up to the hot seat next and I would call bullsh*t on that “fan favorite” comment except I just saw a girl in the audience start hysterically crying at the mere mention of his name. It’s like every time he flips his hair a teenage girl has her sexual awakening.
Also, I’m starting to realize that JPJ is actually very attractive? How am I just now noticing this? I mean, does he have the face of someone whose daddy threatened to sue Sigma Alpha Epsilon for not giving him a bid freshman year? Sure, but that’s sort of my type neither here nor there.
You guys, The Men Tell All is taking a very weird turn with this girl who wants to keep a lock of JPJ’s hair to wear around her neck in a locket. I literally want to throw myself into oncoming traffic if I so much as wave to the wrong person and this girl just cut off a piece of a strange man’s hair on national television!! One of us will be bringing this up AT LENGTH with their therapist, and I have a feeling it won’t be her.
Hannah Is Really Sorry, You Guys
Last but not least, we end things with an appearance from the bachelorette herself: Alabama Hannah. She wants us all to know that she’s really, really sorry for keeping a man who most certainly lies about his height on his Christian Mingle bio around for so long. Ah, so we’re making this about Luke again. Got it.
Here’s the thing: I’m glad Hannah can look back on her relationship with Luke and realize that she learned something from all of this. I’m glad that his toxic behavior and misogynistic words are being called out and publicly shamed. Really, I am so glad. BUT, like, I don’t want to hear his name for one more goddamn second. The worst thing we can do to this guy is completely forget about him, to not acknowledge his presence at all. AND YET, we’ve spent the last 2.75 hours discussing him at length. I’m over it.
Tbh I feel like this entire Tell All can be explained in a single gif:
Hannah: I’m truly sorry for dating that douchebag. World peace and roll tide!
Minus that part about “roll tide” that was the exact apology I had to give my sorority when my date at junior year formal got caught doing coke in the bathroom by the hotel manager. It happens to the best of us, girlfriend!
And on that note, that’s it from me this week! See you betches next Monday AND Tuesday where the only thing thrilling about this two-part conclusion will be my rising blood pressure levels. TTYL!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (6); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @starstylecom /Instagram (1)
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Welcome to my Bachelorette recap, folks! I’m filling in for It’s Britney, Betch this week, which is equal parts thrilling and terrifying because it’s Fantasy Suites, and I grew up in a strict Irish/Italian Catholic household where no one ever discussed sex, except for that one time I was forced to watch a Katie Couric special, so this should be uncomfortable at best!! But never fear, I’ve still got Britney on our old Bachelor group chat, so hopefully she’ll be able to coax the raunchiness out of me. Now that this episode is finally here, I hope you guys are as excited as I am to see the desecration of a windmill on national TV, to hear Hannah breathlessly whisper “roll tide” from behind a closed door, and to finally find out if this episode is actually just two hours of the slut-shaming clip played on a loop. Shall we begin?
We start the episode on the beautiful island of Crete, where Hannah informs us that “Fantasy Suite week is not about sex, it’s about having time together in a real, raw, way.” I’m sorry Hannah, but that just sounded to me like you plan on having unprotected sex. Katie Couric would NOT approve.
Hannah is so excited about this week that she’s singing, and if that’s her pageant talent, I can see why she was always a bridesmaid and never a bride. She would have been better off playing the water glasses.
Peter’s Date
Peter shows up and he is wearing jeans to this date. On an island. Huh. You would think a pilot would be a better packer than that. Peter says he has never been this “exposed” to someone or this “totally raw” with someone, and once again I beg you guys to use condoms! He also says he wants to make her his screensaver on his phone and never change it, and I think he stole that from a far superior Peter, Peter Kavinsky. You sir are NO Peter Kavinsky. And maybe don’t get your moves from a teen movie, hmm?
^^can’t beat this Peter
Hannah and Peter dry hump on the boat, but she’s still a little skeptical of his feelings for her. She wants to know if it will be “smooth sailing or rocky waters” with Peter, which definitely means she thinks he could be bad in bed.
We’ve made it to the night portion of the evening, and Hannah is wearing a bathrobe that she got specially made for her by Elle Woods’ tailor.
They sit down, and Peter toasts to love and fate for bringing them together, and if by fate he means “the producers who convinced me to dump my current girlfriend to get on this reality show,” then sure, it was fate. Peter continues to tell Hannah he loves his family, he loves flying, he loves lamp. JUST SPIT IT OUT PETER. He eventually tells her that she has flaws but he’s in love with her. So sweet! TBH if he’s this nervous about saying I love you, I shudder to think what he’ll be like when Hannah asks him to find her g-spot.
They finally get the sad, handwritten note inviting them to go to the fantasy suite. They accept AND THEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOM IN A WINDMILL. I didn’t expect to make it to the infamous windmill so quickly! Also, for some reason I was picturing one of those replica windmills you find on a mini golf course down the shore. This makes a lot more sense. Oh boy, is that a trunk full of condoms? It’s like Chris Harrison heard how many times they said the word raw, and was like “Not on my watch!”
The next morning, Hannah calls Peter her Zeus, and she is Aphrodite, as if the two of them just didn’t have a wild night of missionary with the lights off.
Peter is pleased with his performance and I love how he thinks lasting three minutes instead of his usual two means he’s won Hannah over.
But was it, sweetie?
Tyler’s Date
Tyler arrives for his day date and looks even more beautiful in Greece than I remember. Hannah says that Tyler is the guy that everyone wants to be with, and on behalf of the women of America, or at least the three women in my group chat, I can confirm that with a resounding yes.
Their daytime activity is a couples massage, and I’m incredibly jealous because I’ve been told recently that I have a very tight back. It’s definitely not from the stress of writing sex jokes, don’t you guys worry! My stress isn’t manifesting in physical pain at all!
Okay, what is Tyler doing? He takes things into his own hands by kicking the masseuses out, and climbing on top of Hannah. Tyler, this is not how massages work! Wait for your turn in the windmill!
Hannah tells us she’s concerned that she only has a physical relationship with Tyler, and would like to explore the rest of their relationship later. I don’t like where this is headed.
As Tyler continues to sensually massage Hannah’s thighs in a way that makes me want to cover my dog’s eyes, she worries that maybe she is only into Tyler because he’s rich, tall, and attractive, to which I say WHAT’S YOUR POINT, HANNAH?
I’m suspicious of her hesitance but will also gladly volunteer as tribute to stand in for her during tonight’s fantasy suite. Anyone have a time travel machine I can pop into for a minute?
They meet up for the night, and Tyler is wearing the lucky salmon jacket, and a pair of capri pants!! Men of the world, are these pants fashionable? I can’t answer that question because the longest relationship I’ve had lately was with the Uber driver who dropped off my lost phone and then decided to linger a little too long after he shamed me for it. So please, help a girl out.
Is it just me, or is Tyler impossible to understand? It’s like the teachers in Jupiter were too busy building meth labs in their basement to teach kids how to enunciate. That one’s for all you Florida defenders in the comments *wink*.
At dinner, Hannah straight up tells Tyler that she is concerned because she is so addicted to his body (same), but she really just wants to know his favorite color. She tells him she doesn’t want to go into the fantasy suite to have sex, but because they need the emotional time together.
Tyler rn:
Tyler tells her he would still want to spend the night under the stars with her just doing whatever she wants to do. 100 bucks says they are still totally going to bang. Any takers?
We’ve made it to the morning, and Hannah is continuing to assure us that they didn’t have sex, but that they’re more emotionally connected than ever.
Hannah: We’re closer than ever.
Me:
Jed’s Date
Now here comes Jed, butthurt he was neck-and-neck with the douche king last week. Poor, sad, conventionally attractive man didn’t get what he wanted last week and is throwing a fit? This really is the most shocking season, ever. *insert eyeroll*
Once again she is “experiencing the culture” of a foreign country with Jed. Is that because he did such a good job last time? I hope these lovely Greek people have their maps handy so they can locate Jed’s home country of “English.”
Anddd Hannah’s getting drunk again. I feel like I would also be a constantly tipsy bachelorette. Makes the sex offenders/cheaters/zealots men seem more tolerable! Pro tip: that’s also how I get through work every day.
I like that Hannah describes fantasy suite week to the locals as “we get to spend more time together,” as if her last date didn’t end with a man accidentally ejaculating into his skinny jeans.
Okay, the way Jed is explaining The Bachelorette to the locals gives me the impression that he is such a mansplainer. I feel like he would stop in the middle of a Chippendales dance to correct a client, “Excuse me, I heard you call my underwear a cheap thong earlier, but actually it’s an ancient garb that was worn by kings and has special meaning to all of us here, in case you wanted to know.” She didn’t want to know, Jed.
Jed pulls Hannah aside during their day date, and relays his concerns about her relationship with Luke. He asks her to be honest about what she sees in Luke.
Hannah:
Yeah Jed, I’m regretting you asking too.
Hannah and Jed meet up later that night and she’s giving his earlier sh*t fit the benefit of the doubt. She says that she knows it comes from a place of caring for her heart, and not him being a big f*cking baby. I beg to differ.
Jed continues to belabor the point and basically tells Hannah he hates her for keeping Luke around. He says he is worried that she has a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for her in her life. He also says he is sure about her and doesn’t want to be not sure about her but this is making him question everything. Exsqueeze me?! He is completely manipulating Hannah to get her to pick him. Are you f*cking kidding me, Jed?! This is completely toxic behavior. I SEE YOU, JED.
Hannah is so flustered that she runs off, and Jed chases her as visions of his Spotify streams slowing down dance in his head. They sit back down and he says that he felt he had to tell her the raw truth about Luke. There’s that word again. Honey, after that conversation I don’t think you’re getting anything raw.
After his toxic, manipulative bullsh*t, Jed backtracks just enough so that he’s sure he can still get it in tonight, and then do his best Dr. Evil laugh after Hannah falls asleep. Hannah is charmed by him again, and now she is offering the fantasy suite!! HANNAH. Girl. I have been behind you for most of this journey, but this is not your best decision. Like, I even think your red cutout dress was a better decision than this, and I told everyone that would listen that you bought that at Wet Seal.
I truly can’t believe that she slept with Jed and only “kissed” and “held” Tyler. I hope this is one of those regrets people mention on their deathbed.
I award Jed one point for being the only man to wear full pants this episode, but that’s it. And I award it begrudgingly.
Luke’s Date
And we’ve finally made it to Mr. Slut Shamer himself, the only man to ever meet Jesus in the shower, Luke P! And she takes him to Santorini?! He does not deserve the pure beauty of this island. Oh good they’re going in a helicopter, maybe it will crash.
It didn’t crash. Which is unfortunate, because I would be embarrassed to take that manscaped, juiced up jock to Santorini. Especially when he starts dancing.
I have no other notes on their day date guys, my apologies for just wanting to finally get to the slut-shaming scene before I die of old age.
They sit down and Luke says, “Oh this is darling.” RED FLAG. I know she was willing to ignore the other red flags but this one had to smack her right in the face, no
And then we get down to business! Such a great idea to start a conversation this way:
And we’re in it! Luke tells Hannah that he believes sex should be between a man and his wife, and that even though he has been sexually active in the past, he has been abstaining from sex for the last 2.5 to 4 years. That’s quite the range, Luke. Have you been waffling on whether Jesus thinks “just the tip” counts or not?
He tells Hannah that if she had sex with the other guys that are still left, he would want to go home. And that is when she’s finally had enough.
Hannah calls him out for telling her what to do, and judging her when he’s not currently her husband. He says having sex out of marriage is a sin. She CALLS HIM OUT for also committing sins.
Hannah: PRIDE IS A SIN TOO
Me:
He says he is willing to work through any “slip ups,” but at this point Hannah is having NONE of this. She tells him she ignored all the awful things about him, and he can’t even trust her to make her own decisions?! She says all this while production hell rains down on her from above.
She calls him out for telling her what to do. And she says that she finally has clarity and she does not want him to be her husband. You go Hannah! I’ll bring the gasoline, let’s set him on fire! Send him back to that shower, Hannah! Jesus needs to teach him another lesson! And drown him! Wait, am I getting too fired up here?
Luke basically refuses to get up, dumbfounded that a woman he called a common street whore wouldn’t want him to stay. Hannah tells us that she has God in her heart and she is light. And that she’s had sex and Jesus still loves her. In the immortal words of every text message from my Aunt Angela, you go girl!
Luke finally gets to the car and says, “Can I pray over you before I leave?” No, Luke, you can go f*ck yourself before you leave, and break that 2.5-4-year streak, thanks.
Well, that was a wild ride. Peter comes out of this episode looking like the winner, but now that we know he is also a two-timing sack of human waste, and it appears that Luke crashes the rose ceremony, I think the only thing we can truly root for next week is that they all die in a fiery blaze. A girl can dream!
Images: ABC; Giphy (7)
If you couldn’t guess from the headline of this article, today we’re going to be discussing spoilers for this season of The Bachelorette! So uh, if you’re one of the 10 people who doesn’t know about the ending of this season yet, feel free to stop reading now.
*moment of silence so hopefully I don’t get yelled at in the comments for spoilers*
Okay, we back. So at this point, it’s not really even a spoiler to say that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on The Bachelorette. I feel like I practically know the woman at this point, and there’s no doubt that Jed is a lying piece of sh*t who only wants to promote his equally sh*tty music. The thing that is still a spoiler is that Jed ends up winning this season, outlasting douchelord Luke and man of my dreams, Tyler.
Diving further into the spoilers, last week Reality Steve broke the news that Hannah ended her engagement with Jed after finding out about the girlfriend stuff, and now their relationship is apparently 100% over. I’m happy for her, and I’m also happy that the breakup was reportedly filmed and will be shown on After The Final Rose. Thank God for Mike Fleiss being a messy bitch who lives for drama.
While all of this drama with Jed is interesting, it’s not truly surprising, because literally all men are trash. What actually surprises me is how widely this season’s spoilers have spread. Last night, I was casually scrolling down Twitter when I happened upon this tweet from Cosmo:
Okay Cosmo, feeling reckless?? If you’ll notice, up at the top of this article, I put a nice little warning that I was going to talk about spoilers for the rest of The Bachelorette. It took me 10 seconds to write! I’ve never cared that much about spoilers, but there are some people who would be seriously disappointed to see this from a mainstream account like Cosmo.
This specific tweet might have been a faux pas, but it’s representative of a larger trend that’s happening with The Bachelorette this year. While spoilers for this show have always been pretty easily accessible, usually you have to go looking for them at least a little bit. Everyone knows that you shouldn’t follow Reality Steve if you don’t want spoilers, but usually major entertainment accounts aren’t just spoiling the show right on their feed. At least, not without warning people first.
Is this just a natural progression of everyone living their lives on social media? Or has the ongoing saga of Hannah B and Jed unlocked something specific in Bachelor nation? I have a feeling that it’s a bit of both. Obviously, it can be tough to avoid spoilers for any show on social media. I didn’t even watch Game of Thrones, but I still knew exactly what happened in each episode from spending two minutes on Twitter.
But also, people have really been loving Hannah as the Bachelorette this season, and to hear that Jed so thoroughly f*cked her over is just…ugh. Usually I don’t really care about these people, but I think everyone really just wants the best for Hannah B. I’m glad that she’s kicked Jed to the curb, because she definitely deserves better.
Even if we already pretty much know exactly what’s going to happen, I’m fascinated to watch the end of this season play out, especially with the drama that’s going to happen on After The Final Rose. It’s going to be a wild ride, and obviously we’ll keep you updated with any new spoilers. That is, if you don’t see them on Twitter first.
Images: ABC, cosmopolitan / Twitter
I’ll start with a confession: I generally find The Bachelor and The Bachelorette pretty boring. It doesn’t do that much for me to see the same parade of idiots season after season pretend that they’re ready to get engaged to a stranger. Every year when we’re promised the “most dramatic season ever,” I just roll my eyes. So imagine my surprise in realizing that this season is…actually really good? There have been some truly dramatic twists with the guys, and Hannah B is unexpectedly kind of a badass. ABC did a good job, and if the spoilers hold up, it looks like the end of this season is not going to disappoint.
If you don’t want spoilers, stop reading now, and also why did you even click on this article? As many of you probably know, a couple weeks ago Reality Steve publicly changed his prediction of who was going to win The Bachelorette. He originally predicted Tyler C would win. Now he’s all in on Jed, who conveniently had a girlfriend when he went on the show. That’s a whole other thing that somehow didn’t stop him from making it to the end, but it’s all catching up with him now.
(EXCLUSIVE SPOILER)…I can confirm that Hannah broke off her engagement to Jed earlier this week. They are still "together," but the engagement is off. This isn't a "don't ever talk to me again" from what I'm being told, but it's also not all rainbows and daffodils either…
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) June 27, 2019
On Thursday night, Reality Steve said he can confirm that Hannah has broken off her engagement with Jed. Wow. I mean, he definitely deserves it if all the girlfriend stuff is really true, but I’m still pretty proud of Hannah for pulling the trigger. According to Reality Steve, their relationship isn’t necessarily 100% over, and they’re still on speaking terms, but it’s obviously a good time to take a step back and really think things through.
Of course, we won’t hear any of this from Hannah’s mouth until the season comes to an end, but I really hope it gets addressed on the Finale/After the Final Rose. It’s not like there haven’t been any asshole women on The Bachelor, but I feel like especially the guys feel like they can get away with this type of sh*t year after year. Jed deserves to get dragged on national television if all the accusations are true, and I’m setting my DVR now.
Before you ask, neither me nor Reality Steve have any idea if Hannah is reconsidering a relationship with Tyler, or if he would even want that. He might have gone to Paradise, or he could very well be the next Bachelor. Basically, we don’t know where all the chips are going to fall at the end of this mess, but the engagement is over.
(EXCLUSIVE SPOILER) With that said, I know you will all ask me about Tyler, and will she get back with him, and are they together, have they talked, etc. I don't know. Who knows if Tyler would even want that. Maybe he'd rather be the "Bachelor?" I'm not gonna answer for him
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) June 27, 2019
Maybe there’s still time for Hannah to make it to the end of Paradise, but honestly all those clowns men probably aren’t good enough for her. I’m wishing her the best, because she somehow seems to be the person here with her priorities most in order. Except when it comes to Luke P, because he has her totally dickmatized.
This situation is still developing, so we’ll see what happens between now and the end of this season. Maybe Hannah will hop on a flight back to Latvia for a couple weeks of soul searching. Either way, I’m sure Chris Harrison will be getting a lot of late night stress texts, and we should be in for a great last few weeks of The Bachelorette.
Images: ABC; realitysteve (2) / Twitter
For those of you who read Reality Steve, I’m sure you know the answer to this question. But I like to approach my reality TV watching as though we still lived in simpler times, when we simply allowed the television to tell us what happened next, instead of ruining everything by reading a synopsis online like a bunch of maniacs. This is all to say: please don’t spoil the season in the comments. Let us speculate in peace about why oh why Luke P., aka the guy who’s been acting like he wants to wear Hannah’s skin as a suit, was spotted at a bar in Birmingham, Alabama last night.
Luke P is,
and i cannot stress this enough,
at el barrio in birmingham. pic.twitter.com/IZxSsXBKjf— lacey (@dddrop_the_lace) May 30, 2019
Twitter user lacey did America a giant favor last night by snapping some not-so-discreet pics of Luke out at a bar in Birmingham. As some of you may recall (roll tide!), Hannah herself is from Alabama, though a quick Google search reveals she was born in Tuscaloosa, and raised between there and Northport, Alabama. A quick Google maps search (look at me, revealing all my tricks) shows that Birmingham is a solid hour drive from both Tuscaloosa and Northport. So, certainly not an insurmountable trip—but it also means Luke’s not exactly in her backyard.
This caused people (my friends I was out with at the bar when they showed me this tweet) to wonder: did Luke make it to the end? Did he (god forbid) actually win? Was he in Birmingham in some desperate ploy to win Hannah back after being eliminated? Was he going to pull a Jason and show up with a scrapbook? I had to find out the truth.
Spoilers ahead of Luke’s Bachelorette journey. You have been warned.
Twitter reactions to this news have ranged from “please no” to “go read Reality Steve,” with another gracious Twitter user popping in to (spoilers spoilers get out now spoilers) confirm that Reality Steve says Luke P.’s trip to Alabama is not Bachelorette related. Phew! The mystery of who does get Hannah’s final rose is intact, but we have some confirmation that Hannah doesn’t make the worst possible choice and end up with Luke.
I actually just DM’d @RealitySteve …says it’s not Bachelorette related. It’s okay everyone! ?
— Laura Goldman (@GOODasGOLDman) May 31, 2019
For those of you wondering why exactly it would be so bad for Hannah to pick Luke: well, I take it you’re not watching the show, which makes your presence here confusing, but whatever. Luke might be the most toxic presence on a Bachelor franchise since Leo in Paradise, which is really saying something. (I don’t count Cam as an equal threat because he was eliminated so quickly. Luke has more staying power.) Luke got the first impression rose, and clearly he was reading Bachelorette subreddits before he got there, because he seemed to know immediately that that made him a frontrunner.
What he didn’t know, however, was that being a frontrunner does not give you permission to act like Hannah is 1) only there for you or 2) your literal property. Luke fails on both those counts, constantly trying to pull Hannah away from the group, loudly announcing that he “wouldn’t leave” Hannah’s hotel room even if she asked him to, and saying he’ll “pretend that conversation never happened” when Hannah gives him rightful sh*t about his attitude. On top of that, there’s his totally alarming refrain of “she’s everything I’m looking for in a woman,” which almost always means “I have a very specific checklist called Things A Woman Should Be and the second she smashes my fantasy I will turn on her.”
To his credit, Luke P. (or his publicist) has at least recognized that his on-screen behavior has been troubling, and offered an Instagram apology. That being said, red flags are red flags—and while I’m glad that Luke’s presence in Alabama is reportedly not because he’s engaged to Hannah, I’m also not crazy about the idea of him being sent home and then planning an impromptu trip to Hannah’s home state. Yes, it could be totally innocent. But Hannah, if you’re reading, keep your eyes open in case he comes around. From what we’ve seen so far on The Bachelorette, I would not put it past him.
Images: @dddrop_the_lace / Twitter
After a brief hiatus where we were all free to spend our Monday evenings doing laundry, or going to the gym, or crying into a wine glass the size of a mixing bowl (just me?), or really doing anything other than being held hostage by Mike Fleiss for 2-4 goddamn hours, ABC is back on their bullsh*t with the newest season of The Bachelorette. But guess what, betches? SO. AM. I. As some of you may recall, I’m the resident recapper for all things Bachelor-related, and I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and tears consuming obscene amounts of alcohol. My parents are so proud. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been dreading this moment ever since last season, when Chris Harrison promised me the most dramatic season ever and instead I got eight weeks of watching a relationship that could have been built over an Instagram DM.
I’m slightly more hopeful for The Bachelorette, despite the fact that I’m already mentally preparing myself to hear the phrase “Roll Tide!” no less than 1,000 times in this two-hour episode. In case anyone forgot, yes, Hannah B aka Alabama Hannah aka Little Miss Professional Runner-Up is the new Bachelorette! I feel like this season we might be in for a real treat and get a more down-to-earth, can’t-be-swayed-by-the-Flat-Tummy-Tea-deals type of Bachelorette, or we’ll get the type who won’t be able to speak words. As I said, a real treat!
And on that note, let’s get to recapping, shall we?
Just to set the mood for you guys, my dog, after seeing me break open a bottle of rosé and hearing the beginnings of Chris Harrison’s opening monologue, has already fled to the bedroom. She was Team Caelynn, so I guess you could say we’re a divided house now. Moving on.
God, Hannah is so uncomfortable to watch already. Production is trying to get in the obligatory Bachelorette-thinking-about-the-dismal-state-of-her-love-life shot and she’s acting like she just discovered she has arms and legs. It’s like she’s never recorded herself for a Fab Fit Fun partnership before? How refreshing.
HANNAH B: I know I just have to completely be myself.
ALSO HANNAH B ANYTIME A CAMERA GETS NEAR HER:
Jesus. I’m going to need more wine for this.
Is it just me or does this episode feel like it’s moving super fast? We’re already watching home video footage of the prospective suitors. If this were Colton’s season we’d still be watching Ashley I lecture a crowd of fans about finding love when you least expect it the guy has dated literally everybody else first and getting updates from Shirley in Lansing, MI about her viewing party.
But back to the home video footage of the prospective suitors. I always love this part of the premiere, because nine times out of ten the men they show in these videos are not going to make it to the end. If anything, it weeds out which ones are looking for something serious and which ones are just emotionally stunted circus animals masquerading as attractive, single men. I love it. Dance monkeys, dance!
That said, here are my first impressions:
– I was here for Tyler the contractor until he compared himself to a young Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Now I need to go bleach my eyeballs in the hopes of unseeing that entire scene. Brb.
– Mike, you seem sweet, but that turtleneck is giving me some serious flashbacks to Nick Viall lisping about giving Raven her first orgasm. It’s off-putting to say the least.
I DON’T TRUST IT.
– Okay, did they literally just put out a casting call for another Grocery Store Joe. Italian? Into boxes? From Chicago? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GROCERY STORE JOE, ABC. And this hack sure ain’t it.
– Luke already looks like a front runner. Crossfit? Check. Casually highlighting passages in the bible? Double check. Pimping out his brother’s child for this intro video? I’m wet. Check, check, check. Wait. Did Luke just say that God talked to him in the shower? I take back every nice thing I just said about him. I’m sorry, Luke, but an orgasm after jerking off in the shower is not God talking to you. It’s a just natural body reaction. Someone get this kid The Care and Keeping of You STAT!
THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS
Moving on to the limo introductions. Hannah B shows up to the Bachelor mansion dressed like a goddamn vision in silver sequins. I can’t decide if I truly love this dress or if it reminds me of the floor of a Forever21. Probably both.
The first man comes out of the limo and I’m truly on the edge of my seat. I love this part of night one because we get to see whose producers are rooting for them and whose producers want to immortalize them as a meme by 10pm eastern time. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
Do we think Hannah told them not to do any stupid gags? Because these guys are not impressing me. I haven’t even heard one “Roll Tide!” Just as I’m starting to think the HR meeting we had last week on the use of appropriate fonts in work emails was more entertaining than this episode, one guy takes a stab at what’s left of Colton’s dignity (spoiler alert: there’s nothing left) and jumps the Bachelor mansion fence as his intro. What we don’t see is Chris Harrison physically recoiling in the background at the mere mention of fence jumping.
A guy who looks like he would roofie my drink introduces himself as John Paul Jones. Watch out, girls, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this guy. If I know anything about guys who go by three names and refer to themselves in the third person, it’s that they’re destined for big things. And by “big things” I mean a true crime docu-series in which we learn all about the bodies they’ve stashed in their freezers. Good luck with this one though, Hans!
Next, we have a wannabe grocery store Joe who apparently thinks the way to woo a woman is by scaring the sh*t out of her. He’s just lucky Hannah is from Alabama. You pull that sh*t on a girl in New York and his ass would be pepper sprayed.
CAM: I’ve been practicing my freestyle. Spitting some game, if you will.
ME:
Seriously, what did we do to deserve this? In the immortal words of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: “I’m a good fucking person!” I’m not gonna lie, I thought his little white boy rapper schtick was cute during the “After The Final Rose” taping. Was it obnoxious? Yes. Did it make me want to delete all my dating apps and commit to a life of solitude with only my dogs to keep my company? Just a little. But, hey, at least he was memorable! Now, though, he’s forced us to sit through not one but TWO raps, and I’m rethinking my earlier stance on the matter. That’s strike two, Cammie. Strike three and you’ll be getting a VERY detailed complaint from me in your DMs. Don’t poke the bear, buddy.
Next up we have Peter, who walks out in his pilot uniform and just made every girl in America consider sliding into his DMs. I know I am.
Peter, you can call me.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
I’m going to end the limo introductions on that high note with Peter and move on to the cocktail party portion of the evening. Hannah starts things off by sending out a quick prayer about not completely humiliating herself tonight. Relatable. It’s a nice sentiment, Hannah, but I think your prayers would be better directed at the Church of Mike Fleiss if you want to save yourself from public shame. Just a tip!
One of the guys pulls Hannah aside because he wants to throw her a proper bachelorette party. I’m sorry, but does this kid know how bachelorette parties work? There’s no need for this elaborate theme park he’s set up here. All he needed to do was give her nine shots of tequila and call it a night.
Cam, feeling cocky with that first rose, steals the first kiss from Hannah. He prefaces the kiss by saying “he doesn’t usually do this” which is something I say after pounding wine at happy hour and getting felt up by a random guy in the corner by the bathrooms, but fine Cam. Stick with that story.
I love that Demi has had almost, if not more, screen time than Chris Harrison this episode. If this is ABC priming her for host status I. am. here. for. it. Speaking of which, Demi and some random girl from Colton’s season whose name I cannot recall roll up to the Bachelor mansion in the van my mother always warned me about as a child. They’re here to do some “recon” on Hannah’s men, which can only mean they’re here to ruin lives. *turns up volume*
Demi says that some girl DMed her on Instagram and told her that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home, as if that’s enough of an explanation for why she rented out the van pedophiles use on Law & Order: SVU to lure children in with free candy. K.
So, wait. This nerd Scott is supposed to be the scumbag? He couldn’t even string a full sentence together when he introduced himself earlier in the night and he’s supposed to be this master manipulator? I would like to see the screenshots of these DMs. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS.
Okay, I am LIVING for Hannah right in this moment. Instead of acting calm or taking a minute to process the information she immediately goes on the offense and confronts Scott. I think he just wet himself a little. YESSSS GIRL. GET IT.
ME WATCHING HANNAH COME FOR SCOTT RN:
I can’t believe he admitted to dumping a girl to come on the show!! These are things you can’t just admit on national television, buddy! He’s like “well weren’t you dating Colton like five minutes ago?” Oh, yeah, that’s good Scott. Casually slut-shame the Bachelorette on night one. In hindsight, I should have known Scott was garbage because here I was all episode thinking he was cute. Sighs.
Hannah comes back into the house and breaks the news to the other men about why Scott was sent home. Meanwhile, every guy in that room is staring at her like they’re hoping their girlfriends back home are a little less vindictive than Scott’s. Try to look a little less terrified, boys!
Luke heads off to try and cheer Hannah up and also start campaigning for his position as the next Bachelor. Is it just me or is this guy is a little too good to be true? Hmm? Like, what’s your motive, sir? To respect and uplift women? Yeah, I’m not buying it.
But I guess I’m the only one, because Luke gets the First Impression Rose, effectively proving that anyone can come back from growling at the Bachelorette on the first date.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
We made it to the first rose ceremony of the season, and not one single guy got wasted and jumped in the pool. Boooooo. Garrett does seem far to nervous about his status on the show. As if there was ever a question that a traditionally attractive white golfer from Alabama was not getting a rose. Please.
Final rose cut: Brian, Hunter, Ryan, Thomas, Old McDonald, wannabe grocery store Joe, and Chasen all get sent home night one.
The only one I’m truly surprised about is Chasen. Despite the fact that his name makes me want to report his parents to child services, he was a stone cold hottie AND a pilot. Obviously, Hannah is not thinking about the bigger picture free flights she could have gotten out of this relationship. Shame.
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. Until next week!
Images: ABC; Giphy (5); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
We are blessed on this beautiful Friday, because yesterday PEOPLE released a teaser for the new season of The Bachelorette, and I am pumped. I don’t know about you guys, but ever since Alabama Hannah steamrolled her way into our lives by toasting to her first date with the ever-so-romantic “Roll Tide!” I knew I needed more of this stone cold weirdo on my TV. She’s awkward, she actually has a personality, and she seems willing to show us that there is more to her than just “former beauty queen.” Sold. And now we have a new teaser for her season, which begins on Monday, May 13th. There’s a lot of producer driven drama jam-packed into 30 seconds, so thankfully I’m here to break it down for you.
We begin on night one, with Hannah wearing a dress that she found discarded on the floor at an after-prom party. I see Cary Fetman is continuing his iconic styling this season. Blessings. Then we immediately launch into the drama. We see Hannah pull one of the guys aside and accuse him of having a girlfriend. So I guess ABC is back on their bullsh*t, huh? Another season, another set of garbage men that producers didn’t vet properly! *sigh* This happens while a voiceover says, “The drama never lets up.” Well, yeah! That’s what happens when you collect your group of suitors from a knock-off Planet Fitness in Panama City Beach, attempt to scrub the Axe Body Spray scent off them, dress them up like cater waiters, and throw them in a limo. They don’t know how to behave! And you can’t get that scent off them FYI, it emanates from their pores.
We also get a shot of one of the guys saying to another one, “don’t ever objectify a woman,” and how much do you want to bet this guy once called a woman “sugartits” on Twitter? Not that I think you would, sir, but I’m convinced ABC’s background checks are conducted by Business Barbie sitting at her plastic pink laptop, so you just never know.
Actual footage of a Bachelorette background check
Hannah says in the teaser that she wants a man to fight for her, so of course we get the obligatory Bachelorette date where the men assault each other to win the attention of a woman they’re using for internet fame they love. I’m sure that will turn out completely fine and has nothing to do with the ambulance we see wailing in this teaser! On the bright side, the men fighting appear to be wearing kilts. Are we getting a trip to Ireland or Scotland?! If we are, this at least means that none of the men are banned from leaving the country! A heartening sign.
I do wish that they wouldn’t have a fighting date each season—is this really necessary to prove their love?! It’s not like I ask the men I’m casually dating to change into a kilt and then assault the perv on the subway that leered at my ass. A simple “I’ll order us an Uber instead” will suffice! Men are not (usually) physically fighting each other for a woman’s attention in real life. Can I start a petition they do something else next season? These fights just promote a narrow-minded definition of a man and it’s not necessary. As my girls on My Favorite Murder like to say, toxic masculinity ruins the party again. No need for it at this party, Mike Fleiss.
Here is the teaser, which you can watch in its entirety below.
So it looks like we’re in for yet another drama filled season! Fingers crossed it will erase last season’s lead, Mr. State White Bread, from my memory altogether. I’ll leave you with just one warning – yes, I did spend hours of my life analyzing this teaser, but take it with a grain of salt. The producers will always try to trick you, and we never actually know what happens until the show airs. For all we know, no one even showed up on night one and we’re not having a season. See you on May 13th to find out!
Images: bacheloretteabc/Instagram; Giphy (2)
