The holidays are upon us, and for those of us that are celebrating Christmas, this can only mean one thing: Spending time with your drunk, delusional family members who are somehow still convinced Donald Trump was a good choice for president. Yawn. And sure, you’ve gotten into it with Aunt Linda on her stupid Facebook statuses where you can plagiarize spend time crafting eloquent political thoughts, but responding to her BS IRL can me mentally taxing, especially when you’re two eggnogs deep. That’s why we’ve created this handy list of holiday clapbacks, so you can seem witty and smart during your inevitable Christmas Eve political meltdown. You’re literally so welcome.
Al Franken
They say: “The Democratic party is filled with creeps like Al Franken.”
You say: “First of all, creeps are bound by no political party. And second of all, the GOP proudly backed an equestrian pedophile who is banned from a mall and voted for a man who bragged about grabbing pussies on national TV. You can go shave your back now.”
Hillary Clinton
They say: “What about the Hillary?”
You say: “Trump is the one in the White House and Hillary is on a hike in the Chappaqua woods for the foreseeable future so please just let her get her steps in in peace. But if we must bring her up, let’s remember she won the popular vote by 2.9 million votes.”
Global Warming
They say: “If global warming is real then why is there snow on the ground?”
You say: “It’s about long term trends in weather patterns, Uncle Jerry. Not just a single week of cold weather. And the earth, unlike your new girlfriends, is getting hotter and hotter.”
Taxes
They say: “The tax bill is going to be great for the economy.”
You say: “Idk what tax bracket you’ve set your dreams in, Grandma. But this bill is a mess and you’re probably going to lose Medicare because of it. Unless you’re secretly a billionaire in which case, the $20 you’ve been sending me for my birthday every year needs to increase by 200%.”
Trump
They say: “Trump is actually a very successful businessman.”
You say: “Trump got all of his dried-up money from his crusty dad, and everything he’s made from steaks to his unfortunate-looking kids has been a flop.”
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Great news! In case you haven’t heard, people, like, care about sexual harassment now, and old men everywhere are shaking in their ugly shoes. Now that half the men in Hollywood have been officially canceled, we’ve shifted our attention to our nation’s capitol, where powerful men have basically been doing whatever the fuck they want for centuries. On Thursday, the #MeToo tidal wave claimed one of its most high-profile harassers yet, Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.
Franken, who was on SNL back when your parents watched it, has been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women, most of whom say he groped them during photo ops and other official Senate duties. Love to see it! After weeks of going back and forth, he announced his resignation on Thursday, after nearly every Democrat in the Senate called for him to do so. He was a good Senator, but bitch bye.
Thursday proved to be a rough day for legislators whose last names start with “Frank,” as Arizona Representative Trent Franks announced he would also be resigning. Trent, who has spent approximately 90% of his time in Congress trying to make abortion illegal, found himself in hot water after it became public that he had asked two female employees if they would be his surrogate. Um, ew. Don’t you hate when you’re eating lunch at your desk and your boss asks if you’ll carry his baby? Not today, ladies!
Franks and Franken join John Conyers on this week’s list of pervs who have resigned from Congress, but rest assured that there are probably like several dozen more where they came from. Some of those old white guys have definitely grabbed a boob at a photo op, no doubt about it.
So now that some of Congress’ biggest problem areas have been addressed, who’s the next shitty man that needs to go? Hmm, we can still think of a few. Maybe like…Donald Trump? You might recall that during the election last year, there were at least 19 women who accused him of sexual assault and/or harassment, and no one did a damn thing about it. It’s time for that to change.
There’s also Roy Moore, Alabama’s resident pedophile, who still has a good chance at winning his Senate election next Tuesday. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: if you’re not allowed to hang out at the fucking mall, you should not be a Senator.
Or, if you’re looking for someone a little less ~trendy~, might we suggest Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? Way back in 1991, Thomas was confirmed even after Anita Hill accused him of sexual harassment. No one cared then, but good thing something like that would never ever happen in 2017!
But things are looking up. Many people saw Al Franken’s resignation as an important step for the Democrats in legitimizing their calls for Trump to be investigated further, because now they’re not being total hypocrites. We won’t hold our breath, but like this shit better happen soon.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
