Weddings are expensive AF no matter how you cut it. In addition to cutting costs for things so you can spend your money on important things like a house and a baller honeymoon, nixing things that your guests don’t care about is a smart move. Whether it’s programs or a certain type of dessert, don’t waste your Dad’s hard-earned money on things that literally no one will remember. Free booze, good food, and a dress that doesn’t look like it belongs to a cat weirdo are what matters.
1. Programs
Pass. We mentioned it here, but programs get forgotten, thrown out, or just generally ignored. If you’re really v concerned that people won’t know which version of “All Creatures of our God and King” to sing as the Offertory hymn during your 10-hour Catholic Mass, go ahead and write it on a chalkboard in the front. It’ll be a lot cheaper and grandma will be able to see the font.
2. Favors
By the time guests are on their way out of a wedding, they’re more concerned with either a) finding the next bar, or b) finding a suitable bush to throw up in. They’re not looking for a table with favors. Face it—most wedding favors are pretty forgettable and/or tacky. If you want to really give your guests a gift, offer a midnight snack like a pretzel, hot dog, or schedule a food truck to show up as the party winds down.
3. Types Of Flowers
Ask any former bridesmaid what kind of flowers she carried at any given wedding and she literally will not remember. Ask any wedding guest what kinds of flowers were used as centerpieces at any given wedding they’ve attended. No one will know. Flowers are def important for “fluffing” a space and adding color, but don’t feel the need to go balls to the wall and order perfectly pink hydrangeas out of season because the color is the only thing that will work. Set a budget and stick to it. Guests don’t care and won’t remember. Sh*t, go to the grocery store and get your own.
4. Cake
No one goes to a wedding for the cake. Oftentimes, wedding cake gets a bad rep anyway for being dry, bland, vanilla, and generally not that amazing compared to the free booze that the bartender is dishing out. Grabbing an Oreo ice cream cake is going to be just as sufficient for those cute shoving-cake-in-each-other’s-faces pics as a $1,000 four-layer French whipped meringue and sponge cake. At my wedding, we had a guest (who happened to be a baker) make our tiny perfect-for-smashing cake and it was just big enough for the two of us (which we loved cause we’re both v bad at sharing). Then we fed everyone else cookies, brownies, pies, and mousse. Win, win.
5. Cocktail Hour Music
This is the part of the program where your guests will pound shots, beer, and wine before heading into what they believe will be a v boring dinner. The soundtrack you provide during this power hour is not something your guests will notice. Sure, your parents may insist you play four to seven Bruce Springsteen songs because, “Sarah, you’re from New Jersey and you’re required by law.” Go ahead—your guests are going to be too busy guzzling appetizer-sized crab cakes and free prosecco to notice that “Glory Days” gets really old after the 50th time.
6. A Choreographed First Dance
Nine out of 10 couples in a survey I made up for this article don’t give a sh*t if the bride and groom can’t dance versus having a 4-minute choreographed dance routine. During the first dance, the guests are urging their bodies to quickly digest the multi-course feast of seafood and antipasti from cocktail hour while counting the minutes until the buffet opens and they can comment on the types of meat offered. No one cares if you spent four consecutive weeks verbally abusing kindly encouraging hubby to perfect his ability to dip you so that you can have the perfect picture. Just get out there and dance. Stop being a snot.
7. A Slideshow Of The Couple
Yawn. No matter how many “ooohs” and “awwws” you think you’ll garner from showing pics from the one-night stand respectable first date or the engagement you knew about and, therefore, had heavily photographed, no one cares. Sure, a photo here and there of the happy couple on tables at cocktail hour or tastefully worked into the reception hall is fine. But having a literal home movie of you two drooling on each other isn’t really necessary.
8. The Bouquet And Garter Toss
Oftentimes, the bouquet and garter toss only serve to up the ante at a boring wedding. You, chances are, are not going to have a boring wedding, so why stop the music for an outdated tradition? The only entertaining part of the bouquet toss is watching your single friends fight each other for a pack of flowers, so if that’s something you want to see, go for it. Bonus points if your maid of honor pushes a child to the floor in an effort to grab it.
Images: Wu Jianxiong, Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Since weddings are our new favorite thing to bitch talk about, we decided that it is finally time to follow up our roasts of wedding themes, favors, and décor with some shade at the very time of day you choose to set the event. Weddings that go from 3pm till after it gets dark are the norm, but some people seem to think brunch weddings are cute and acceptable. And considering protest is the new brunch, we are officially protesting brunch weddings. Our country has truly never been more divided. So before you go flipping out, filling our inboxes with pics of cute, enjoyable brunch weddings you’ve been to, kindly take every seat. Here’s the thing—yes they can be totes cute, but they work better for certain demographics. Like, if you have a shit ton of older folks coming to your wedding, don’t wanna pay a premium for Saturday night rentals and booking your venue, AND for some reason are having a bunch of children at your wedding, then yeah—book a brunch wedding. For the rest of us 20- and 30-somethings, though, the excuse to party and black out—and therefore, attend—starts to fade once we see the words “brunch reception” on your invite …
1. It Isn’t “Socially Acceptable” To Black Out
Like I said, if I’m going to a country club for your reception at fucking noon, I really don’t think that, as a barely functioning responsible adult, I should get blackout. Like yeah, I’ve downed my share of mimosa pitchers, but doing it in broad daylight in front of your mild-mannered brunchy family feels a little wrong. And with that, I’m not going to want to drag everyone else out on the dance floor and be the life of the party causeee…..
2. No One Wants To Dance In Broad Daylight
It’s true. Having sunlight streaming into the Pisgah Dining Room with crystal settings is totally not the backdrop I want when I’m fist pumping to “Shots” or grinding with strangers to “Candy Shop”. Like a scary vampire, the sunlight erases my desire for blood attention-whoring on the dance floor. So, the good news is you could get a smooth jazz band, save money, and it wouldn’t make a difference. The bad news is nobody will get to see my dance moves. And yes, that is bad news.
3. Day Drinking Makes Us Tired
I can start drinking at 8 am—I’d put that shit on my resume. However, riiiight around noon, I start to hit a wall. Day drinking makes everyone exhausted, and if you and your bridesmaids are getting ready at say, 5am for a 10am wedding and noon reception, you’re going to start coming down HARD. Same with your guests, who I assume will be taking shots in the back of the church during the ceremony and will try to continue drinking through your brunch reception. Think of what you’re doing—they won’t even be able to go out after your reception they’ll be so tuckered out!
4. You Can’t Hook Up As Easily
Most of us need cover of darkness to sketchily hook up with wedding guests we’ll never see again. Adding in brunch and daylight makes the whole thing a lil too official and a lil too formal. Sorry, but I don’t want to get coffee with you after the reception and talk about what a great quiche they had. Speaking of which …
5. The Food Is Usually Meh
I love a good quiche, a nice muffin, a foamy latte—but trying to choke down breakfast carbs, sweets, and caffeine WITH all the alcohol I’m trying to imbibe just doesn’t work. Plus, from a service point of view, no one likes the look of room-temperature scrambled eggs sitting in a heating dish ready to be lumped out to your guests. Bacon is forever, but the rest of your food def isn’t.
6. Do I Eat Dinner Or Not?
My days revolve around my love/hate relationship with food, and if I have a giant brunch at 11am and continue picking at shit until 2pm, it leaves me in a weird situation. Am I going to be hungry enough for dinner later? Do I have to push that shit to 9pm and act Spanish for the evening? Your wedding literally fucked my whole eating schedule.
7. It’s Anticlimactic
With most basic bitch weddings these days (mine included), you have a sparkler sendoff to let everyone know that the official reception is over and the unofficial bar crawl where the bride’s dress becomes lovingly splattered with booze begins. Unfortunately for those having a brunch wedding, you kinda can’t do the sparkler thing and you definitely won’t be bar crawling. Like, what do I do now? Should I just go take a nap? Is it dinner time? No one really knows because your wedding was set for a weird time. Bitch.
