Wedding season has descended upon us. At any given time from June through September you may have to sit through an outdoor carnival themed hipster wedding, a classy vineyard wedding, or even a fucking non-airconditioned reception in a barn. So rude. But being a good wedding guest takes some learnin’, and if you’re not willing to not be a dick and follow our rules, then maybe you don’t get to go partake in the six-hour open bar, potential for one-night stands, or shithole DJ yelling “GET YOUR HANDS UP” or “WOOO” every three minutes. It’s gonna be a great time, guys. Here are some rules of wedding guest etiquette you need to follow if you want to sit with us (or more accurately, your friends at the next wedding—you get it). These summer wedding faux pas are social suicide.
1. Show Up In Minimal Clothing
Oh no, no, no. You aren’t going to the CLERRRBBB. You’re going to a fucking wedding. I get that the cute matching crop top and miniskirt set and 5-inch wedges will look totally fetch and def get you laid (which is like, so important cause it’s been a while and you’re starting to see sounds), but try to fucking chill. If you’re approaching 30, you shouldn’t be wearing a dress that’s six inches or more above the knee. And NO CROP TOPS (Scheana). Catholic school rules apply. No offense, but it’s true.
2. Wear White
This goes for any season, but it’s easiest to make the mistake when it’s fucking 95 degrees outside and the eighth circle of hell seems a lot closer temperature-wise than usual. Do not wear fucking white or anything remotely close to it. Only the bride should be in white/cream/champagne/blush (whatever) so don’t wear anything even CLOSE. You’re tacky if you do, and the bride’s mom will def tackle you because HOW DARE YOU UPSTAGE MY BABY. If you have to even ask if the color you’re thinking of wearing is too close to white, it is, and you need to put it back in the closet and save it for brunch or whatever.
3. Get Too Turnt
Again, this kinda goes for all seasons, but it’s easiest to fuck up during the summer. It’s hot, there’s an open bar, and wine spritzers go down reaaaaaal easy this time of the year. Try drinking a glass of water after each boozy drink so that you a) stay hydrated and b) don’t end up blacking out by the time the reception rolls around. No hoodrat shit.
4. Skip Deodorant
Yikes. I shouldn’t have to explain this one, but it’s hot. You may end up in a church without an AC, or you may end up wearing something that shows how much of a disgusting person you really are. Wear some fucking deodorant and bring a travel size one with you to reapply if needed. No one wants to smell your funk.
5. Bitch About How Hot It Is
WE GET IT. There’s nothing the bride can do about the heat wave, and I PROMISE she’s hotter in that 40 layer tulle ballgown than you are with your bare legs and updo. Get that bitch a mister and be nice.
6. Think You’re Too Good For Sunscreen
If this wedding is going to be outdoors at literally any point during the day, lather up. You don’t want some weird tan lines from your strappy cocktail dress, do you? Also, if you’re looking to hook up and you were outside without sunscreen, how long until your pink nose and lobster-like redness deter every eligible bachelor in the vicinity? I give it a few hours.
Images: Anna Utochkina, Unsplash; Giphy (7)
Since weddings are our new favorite thing to bitch talk about, we decided that it is finally time to follow up our roasts of wedding themes, favors, and décor with some shade at the very time of day you choose to set the event. Weddings that go from 3pm till after it gets dark are the norm, but some people seem to think brunch weddings are cute and acceptable. And considering protest is the new brunch, we are officially protesting brunch weddings. Our country has truly never been more divided. So before you go flipping out, filling our inboxes with pics of cute, enjoyable brunch weddings you’ve been to, kindly take every seat. Here’s the thing—yes they can be totes cute, but they work better for certain demographics. Like, if you have a shit ton of older folks coming to your wedding, don’t wanna pay a premium for Saturday night rentals and booking your venue, AND for some reason are having a bunch of children at your wedding, then yeah—book a brunch wedding. For the rest of us 20- and 30-somethings, though, the excuse to party and black out—and therefore, attend—starts to fade once we see the words “brunch reception” on your invite …
1. It Isn’t “Socially Acceptable” To Black Out
Like I said, if I’m going to a country club for your reception at fucking noon, I really don’t think that, as a barely functioning responsible adult, I should get blackout. Like yeah, I’ve downed my share of mimosa pitchers, but doing it in broad daylight in front of your mild-mannered brunchy family feels a little wrong. And with that, I’m not going to want to drag everyone else out on the dance floor and be the life of the party causeee…..
2. No One Wants To Dance In Broad Daylight
It’s true. Having sunlight streaming into the Pisgah Dining Room with crystal settings is totally not the backdrop I want when I’m fist pumping to “Shots” or grinding with strangers to “Candy Shop”. Like a scary vampire, the sunlight erases my desire for blood attention-whoring on the dance floor. So, the good news is you could get a smooth jazz band, save money, and it wouldn’t make a difference. The bad news is nobody will get to see my dance moves. And yes, that is bad news.
3. Day Drinking Makes Us Tired
I can start drinking at 8 am—I’d put that shit on my resume. However, riiiight around noon, I start to hit a wall. Day drinking makes everyone exhausted, and if you and your bridesmaids are getting ready at say, 5am for a 10am wedding and noon reception, you’re going to start coming down HARD. Same with your guests, who I assume will be taking shots in the back of the church during the ceremony and will try to continue drinking through your brunch reception. Think of what you’re doing—they won’t even be able to go out after your reception they’ll be so tuckered out!
4. You Can’t Hook Up As Easily
Most of us need cover of darkness to sketchily hook up with wedding guests we’ll never see again. Adding in brunch and daylight makes the whole thing a lil too official and a lil too formal. Sorry, but I don’t want to get coffee with you after the reception and talk about what a great quiche they had. Speaking of which …
5. The Food Is Usually Meh
I love a good quiche, a nice muffin, a foamy latte—but trying to choke down breakfast carbs, sweets, and caffeine WITH all the alcohol I’m trying to imbibe just doesn’t work. Plus, from a service point of view, no one likes the look of room-temperature scrambled eggs sitting in a heating dish ready to be lumped out to your guests. Bacon is forever, but the rest of your food def isn’t.
6. Do I Eat Dinner Or Not?
My days revolve around my love/hate relationship with food, and if I have a giant brunch at 11am and continue picking at shit until 2pm, it leaves me in a weird situation. Am I going to be hungry enough for dinner later? Do I have to push that shit to 9pm and act Spanish for the evening? Your wedding literally fucked my whole eating schedule.
7. It’s Anticlimactic
With most basic bitch weddings these days (mine included), you have a sparkler sendoff to let everyone know that the official reception is over and the unofficial bar crawl where the bride’s dress becomes lovingly splattered with booze begins. Unfortunately for those having a brunch wedding, you kinda can’t do the sparkler thing and you definitely won’t be bar crawling. Like, what do I do now? Should I just go take a nap? Is it dinner time? No one really knows because your wedding was set for a weird time. Bitch.