Welcome back to your favorite Bachelorette recap! If you were hoping to see happy endings for our gals Gabby and Rachel—or at least some sliver of healing after the trauma of having to fake being into Clayton’s foreplay only to be dumped 24 hours later—well, it’s not that kind of program, kids! What kind of program is it? Apparently the kind that slow-smokes the emotional sanity of two previously perfectly normal women like it’s a rack of ribs at the family reunion barbecue. You gotta love ABC’s consistency.
For most of this season, I sat in my humble abode, guzzling wine in quantities that would not be approved by a medical professional, steadily chanting “men are garbage, men are garbage, men are GARBAGE,” in the hopes that if I chanted it enough it would manifest itself into existence. Imagine the sounds of Gabby and Rachel’s sobs triggering some sort of biological reaction in which the men transformed, Animorphs-style, into the saddest, least desirable item at a yard sale.
That is the bright future that I wanted for them!! But alas, we will get no such reprieve.
Part one of the season finale aired last Tuesday, and I have seen more optimism in a History Channel special about plagues. Both Gabby and Rachel had started to realize that the happy ending ABC promised them, the ending that involved engagement and marriage and an onslaught of new Instagram followers, might never even happen because the men just couldn’t seem to get on board. This is what happens when you make deals with bridge trolls calling themselves Neil Lane! I tried to warn you, ladies.
Which brings us to tonight. We are back in the pits of hell, where the audience sits in angry silence. This is juxtaposed with the white noise machine ABC brought out to subtly impose “calming wave” sounds upon the crowd. I guess they’re worried that this live audience, fueled on complimentary champagne and a collective feminine rage that could crumble cities with its force, might go all Pride Rock on the men and rip them limb-from-limb for America’s viewing pleasure. A girl can dream.
And then there’s Jesse Palmer who is back to using “After the Final Rose” as his own personal audition tape for Juilliard. “It feels like there’s been more scandal and betrayal than true love,” Jesse says, and yes, he has been practicing his “serious” monologue.
It’s giving me this:
Before we even start with the proposals, Jesse threatens that we will need to consume more wine to get through the next 2.5 hours of programming. The Pavlovian response I have to this man… he says “jump,” I say “how many glasses??”
The episode starts, and already the energy is giving “the call is coming from inside the house.” To enhance this vibe, ABC makes a point to include footage of Gabby and Rachel gushing over what great guys they have left. “Our literal dream guys,” Gabby swoons about a man who has the haircut of an Animal House extra. “DREAM,” Rachel emphasizes as Tino practices dissociating from his body in the next room.
“Dream” feels like a strong word to use here. “Total body hallucination as the result of surviving a six-week hostage situation” is perhaps more accurate. But whatever makes you happy, ladies!
Tino Did WHAT Now?!
Now we get into the real drama. The finale is split into thirds: part one is Rachel’s journey, part two is Gabby’s journey, and part three is ABC’s half-hearted attempt at gassing up the crowd for the new season of The Bachelor (more on that later). We kick things off with Rachel’s proposal. All I can say is that watching her engagement is a wild exercise in cognitive dissonance. On screen, we see Rachel practically bursting with joy. She shows up to the proposal spot already plotting their farmhouse-style wedding, down to the monogrammed mason jars. I have never seen a woman look so sure about a man who sweats that much. This is juxtaposed with shots of Rachel in real-time, looking like she would rather go back to sniffing contestants’ armpits than relive this moment.
It gets cringier when Tino starts in on his speech and says that this love is “never going away.” Turns out the “never” part lasted about 3-5 business days.
ABC doesn’t even have any footage of them as a happy couple. Instead, they pan back to Jesse’s hell realm, where he asks Rachel what the hell happened post-filming. “Catch me up!” Jesse says, but what he really means is “where did you bury Tino’s body?” Jesse! That’s one secret she’ll never tell.
Rachel says that post-filming, she and Tino struggled in their relationship. There were long-distance growing pains and trust issues with watching Rachel date other guys. By the time the season was aired, Rachel and Tino were in a bad place. I would argue that entire season was a bad place, but fine. Carry on.
It’s at this point that Tino apparently sheds his human skin to reveal his true nature. He’s not Rachel’s forever guy, but actually Axe body spray taken human form. Rachel says that during this “bad time” in their relationship, he cheated.
ME ON MY COUCH, ALREADY TWO GLASSES OF WINE DEEP:
EXCUSE ME?! You’re telling me this man couldn’t even keep it in his pants for the 90 days it takes ABC to edit and air this show? Not only did Tino cheat, but he apparently called Rachel and begged her not to tell anyone so they could fake it through ATFR. THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN.
“He only cares about his image,” Rachel says, “he doesn’t care about me.” And isn’t that the crux of it? Look, in the grand scheme of things is a kiss that big of a deal? No. Especially when you’ve only known your fiancé for a short period of time, a period of time in which she was very transparently dating other people. Yes, he promised her unwavering commitment and (lol) honesty. Yes, he lied to her. But I think Rachel would have probably forgiven him for the kiss had he not asked her to fake it for the show. She already faked a few things in the Fantasy Suites for him. She can only fake so much.
Jesse Palmer is a messy bitch. He tells us that he has footage of a confrontation between Tino and Rachel post-cheating reveal. He almost cackles in excitement at the news. You may want to tone down that unrestrained glee at watching Rachel’s life implode, Jesse. It’s tacky.
The footage shows the two meeting at an undisclosed location. Rachel looks calm, cool, collected; Tino looks like that kid who put a book down his pants to avoid getting spanked. This doesn’t mean that Tino came to the confrontation empty-handed. Oh no! He came armed with a dream journal, the pages filled, I’m sure, with his serial killer scrawl. While the purpose of the dream journal has yet to be revealed, I’m worried that he’s about to do something absolutely unhinged like put his feelings into a song.
TINO: Would you like to go first?
RACHEL:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FIRST. Do you have a brain injury, Tino?? My god! What is wrong with you?
It turns out that the purpose of the dream journal is not to assault our eardrums with a song or reveal the secrets of Tom Riddle (my second guess). Instead, Tino used it to secretly record their conversations, supposedly verbatim, so he could read from it here today like he’s giving the last rites at his own execution. Rachel should take that journal from his hand and smack him with it.
Tino tries to clarify the cheating thing by saying it wasn’t with some random girl, but rather with a girl he had a flirtation with before the show. And that makes it… better? Oh, Tino. That little reveal is not doing what you think it’s doing for your credibility.
Incredibly, Tino tries to turn the whole thing on Rachel. It’s her fault he kissed that girl. She drove him to it by saying she wouldn’t wear her engagement ring at ATFR and accusing him of trying to be the next Bachelor.
I seriously can’t wait for him to face this live viewing party. The carnage these people are about to unleash. They didn’t get their day in court with Hayden “These Bachelorettes Are A Bunch of Bitches” Markowitz at the Men Tell All. They’ve been whetting their rage appetites ever since.
JESSE PALMER: Alright, everybody, let’s all welcome Tino to the stage!
THE AUDIENCE WELCOMING TINO TO THE STAGE:
Tino says that he finally wants to take responsibility for his actions. He’s the one that cheated; his actions are on him. And then he looks anxiously to stage left, where a producer is holding his dream journal over a fire off-screen.
I still think we aren’t getting the full story. They keep alluding to “hard times” in their relationship. These hard times are allegedly the catalyst for Tino’s cheating, but they refuse to divulge the specifics on camera.
“There were things that production didn’t air, that we both don’t want to air, but do you want me to talk about it?” Rachel threatens Tino. All the while her eyes are saying she will spill national secrets if it helps to destroy this man on national television. But what is the “it” that they don’t want talked about?! I worry they’re two consenting adults who like to have sex in front of their beanie baby collection. I wouldn’t put it past them.
But all hope is not lost for Rachel. Tino may have broken her trust in men, but Aven is here, and he is ready to pick up the pieces. Maybe Aven’s showing up unannounced at the finale was because he truly wants another shot with Rachel. Or, maybe ABC just hired him to humiliate Tino one final time, just in case his manhood wasn’t shriveled up enough. We’ll never know! Rachel and Aven ride off into the sunset together, where I hope they can build a strong romantic relationship off stabbing the ill-wish doll Rachel made out of the skins of Tino’s journals.
Good luck kids!
Erich Bends The Knee
Last time we checked in with Gabby and Erich’s love story, Erich was just telling Gabby that he only wants to date her. You better be joking, bitch. Gabby is 31! Her reproductive organs are rotting like a banana one day after purchase. She doesn’t have time for you to sort out your commitment issues.
Nevertheless, on proposal day Erich shows up. Gabby tells him that she loves him and she trusts him despite the fact that every bird in Mexico is currently telling her to do the opposite. Dear god, you can barely hear her speech over those squawks. It’s like something out of Pet Sematary. These birds must be trying to warn her. They’re yelling “check the yearbook!”
It seems no one is going to acknowledge the bird apocalypse hijacking this proposal. After Gabby gets done laying her heart on the line, Erich starts in on his speech.
ERICH: It’s you and me until the wheels fall off.
THE WHEELS:
Well, he certainly follows through on his promises!
Despite Erich’s original hesitations, he proposes and Gabby accepts. Look, I know Erich is problematic and all, but I still believe in them! Call me crazy! There’s just something about their chemistry that you can’t deny. It may not be shiny and Instagram-perfect, but it’s there and I’m rooting for it.
Am I broken? They’re so cute! I, mean, if dragging each other on social media isn’t love then I don’t know what is!!
Back in Jesse Palmer’s hell realm, we find out that Gabby and Erich are still together. But that doesn’t mean Erich is completely off the hook. Jesse does interrogate him about his recent run of bad PR. Specifically, he asks about the leaked text messages from Erich’s ex that indicate he was only on the show to advance his career. (What career does he have again?? Funemployed seems like the only professional space that would consider a fauxhawk business casual).
Erich, having seen Tino limp off stage earlier like a maimed gazelle, immediately takes accountability for his actions. He admits to leading this girl on and being too cowardly to tell her the real reason he wanted to stop seeing her. This is all his fault and he wishes he was more direct with her. A man admitting he was wrong? And meaning it? It couldn’t be. I think the foundation beneath my feet just shook. On a less positive note, we get exactly zero discussion of the blackface yearbook photo. Like I said before, ABC is nothing if not consistent.
We Asked For A Bachelor, Not A Blowup Doll
And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: who will be our next Bachelor? Will it be Nate the single dad? Will it be Ethan of “baby back bitch” fame? (Btw, you were right about that, Ethan). No, on both counts. Our next Bachelor is Rachel’s third runner-up: Zach.
They might as well have made Earl Grey tea the next Bachelor for all of the excitement this announcement ignites. We asked for a real leading man, not a dude with less substance than a blowup doll.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! I will not be talking about the absolute farce that was ABC polluting Gabby’s happy ending by parading Zach’s girls out during the last 45 minutes of the show. Not only did Gabby and Rachel have to share their season, but now they have to share their finale? No, I’m sorry. I simply won’t stand for it. You may have made Erich bend the knee, but you won’t make me!
See everyone next week for Bachelor in Paradise!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (5); @ryanneprobst (2); @erich_schwer /Instagram (1)
Well, well, well, kids, it looks like we’ve made it to the finale episode of Bachelor/ette content for the year 2021. After one season of The Bachelor, two seasons of The Bachelorette, and a season of Bachelor in Paradise that had such a long episode count it should have been illegal, ABC finally ran out of days in the year to ruin our lives with more content. I think I need a cigarette. But before I can dip my brain in bleach and pretend for a few blissful days that I’ve never heard the words “bachelor” and “nation”, we have to find out how Michelle’s story ends! That’s right, tonight it all comes down to Michelle’s final two men: Brandon, a man whose devotion runs so deep he would allow Michelle to wear his skin as a suit if only she asked, and Nayte, a man who is… *checks notes*… 6’8. Hmmm… whomever will she choose?
Meet The Parents
But before Michelle can choose anyone, the guys have to meet Michelle’s parents. I mean, technically, Brandon has already met Michelle’s parents, though I’m guessing he would like to meet his maybe future in-laws again under different circumstances. And by “different circumstances” I mean without having to use pool furniture to hide his water-logged chubby.
Brandon’s second impression does, in fact, win over the in-laws. Brandon says all the right things: he loves Michelle, he wants to move to Minnesota for Michelle, he would work from home for Michelle, he’s been slowly siphoning off his own blood for Michelle in case she would ever like to wear it in a vial around her neck like he’s been wanting to do hers (it’s just a suggestion, take your time to think about it, baby!). Is anyone really shocked by Brandon’s stellar performance? Meeting families is his goddamn Super Bowl.
While Brandon already has Michelle’s parents penciling in a family cruise for 2022, Nayte’s date with the in-laws goes less smoothly. Right off the bat, Michelle’s dad hates him. No notes. Iconic.
NAYTE: *says literally anything*
MICHELLE’S DAD:
I love that her family is just like, immediately no. When Nayte evades their questions about relationship logistics by talking about the “awesome vibes” he gets from their daughter (I paraphrase) they’re right there to poke holes in his story and call him out for his vagueness. It’s like every time Nayte tries to make bold proclamations about their relationship, the parents are looking for JSTOR articles to back up his claims. Amazing.
Things only get worse when Michelle asks her mother if she thinks Nayte is ready for a relationship and she straight-up says no. Her mom was like, “how do I put this gently? Um, he sucks.” LaVonne! At least sugarcoat it a little bit. Michelle is naturally devastated. She keeps saying that she’s got to rethink her relationship with Nayte and by that she means rethinking how is she going to tell her parents that she doesn’t care what they think, she’s picking him anyway. I’m reading you loud and clear, Michelle!
The Last Supper One-On-One’s
At this point in the season, it’s definitely Nayte’s game to lose. Brandon is less a realistic romantic suitor and more the guy friend you send pictures of your outfit to, to ask if it looks slutty enough for your real date. There is a reality where Michelle would choose Brandon, of course she would choose Brandon, but that reality can only exist in a dystopian world where tributes from each district fight for the death for food and resources.
Of course, Michelle does get one last day with each of the guys before the proposal to finalize her decision. First up is Brandon and jet-skiing. If Michelle was looking to bring out more of Brandon’s sex appeal then, boy, did this date blow up in her face. If anything, their date reads very “mommy-son fun outing” to me. At one point, Michelle even tightens his life jacket in such a way that suggests this might be the start of Brandon’s new kink in the bedroom. Oh, mommy, safety first pleaseeeee.
The one thing that comes out of this date is that Michelle does give a half-hearted “I love you” to Brandon. Previously, when Brandon had dropped the “L” word, Michelle had only said she was falling for him, not that she was actually in love with him. I’m not sure if she’s even conscious of how hard she’s trying to make it work with Brandon but, from the comfort of my own home where I can make snap judgements about complete strangers 3.5 glasses of red deep, I can confidently say that she doesn’t make their love look easy.
MICHELLE: Brandon loves so hard
BRANDON “LOVING HARD”:
When Nayte’s date rolls around, it’s almost a relief to watch Michelle stop faking it. Say what you want about Nayte being a seven-foot, human-shaped red flag, but their chemistry is undeniable. Unlike her relationship with Brandon, where the chemistry is maybe less tangible but he is at least able to articulate his feelings by using his big boy words, Nayte is all about the vibes. Enter Raul: a Mexican shaman ABC hired to both contribute to cultural appropriation and sage Nayte’s aura to get him proposal-ready. K.
Raul would like for them to sage each other and whisper their relationship wishes into the smoke. Look, no shade to Raul, but if he thinks literally blowing smoke up their asses is going to shake a man who has 28 years worth of commitment issues stored up inside, then he better think again.
Speaking of Nayte, he is having a hard time speaking and waving smoke at Michelle at the same time. The only thing he’s good at multitasking is the girls in his DMs. Nayte’s like, “this is tough for me because normally my height sort of does all the talking.” Yeahhhh, I’m getting that. Say no more, buddy.
Later, Nayte admits that he only came on the show with two suits because he didn’t think that he would make it farther than two rose ceremonies. And yet, here he is, falling in love when he definitely didn’t plan to. This admission does two things: 1) it clears up why his rose ceremony attire is more appropriate for spring break in Daytona Beach and 2) makes me tingle in places that are simply not appropriate to mention in my recaps.
I will say that all of Nayte’s “red flags” are only red flags in a world that’s been ABC produced within an inch of its life. What exactly are Nayte’s bad qualities? That he loves Michelle but doesn’t have a concrete answer for every single logistical thing about their relationship given that he has known her less time than it takes me to answer a DM? And the problem is… what exactly?
Who Will She Choose??
Nayte. Aggressively, obviously, Nayte, though she does put on a big show of even considering her other dude, Brandon. The morning of engagements she seems nervous, which outwardly she tells us is because she “hasn’t made up her mind yet” though I think it’s less about her making up her mind and more about her making up her mind about how she will squash Brandon like a bug.
Speaking of Brandon, guess who’s up first for proposals? Notoriously, the man who shows up first is the losing man and when the camera pans in on Brandon no one is surprised to see him there. The one reprieve we get is that most of his proposal/rejection is drowned out by the sound of waves aggressively crashing on the beach. Wow, this is bad. Seriously, did one of the crew members get high during the sound check portion of the show? Like, production has to be regretting this location choice. I can barely hear what they’re saying!
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While I can’t quite make out the extent of their conversation (perhaps Mother Nature took pity on Brandon and caused this aquatic catastrophe to drown out his tears), I am able to hear Michelle when she clearly tells him she loves him as she dumps him. Brutal. She’s like “it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that Nayte gives the better dick. You get it, right??” Not only does he get it, Michelle, but he’ll be talking about this moment for the rest of his days in therapy. Nice work.
BRANDON: I truly wish you nothing but happiness, giving you my heart was worth it.
ME, TO MY DOG, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
Speaking of next, Nayte looks absolutely delicious. He’s wearing his one of two suits and he’s ready to give Michelle the rest of his life. Probably. We’ll see. Only if the vibes are immaculate. Michelle, shocked that she conned this 6’8″ god into shackling himself to her in almost-matrimony, gives a tearful “yes.” It would have been a beautiful moment if Michelle hadn’t tarnished her “yes” by following it up with the words “you’re my soulNayte!!” I could have gone my whole life without hearing that pun. My. whole. life.
After The Final Rose
In deciding how to spend the last hour of programming to wrap up the season, ABC took the route that most employers take at the end of the year: to eek the life out of their devoted subjects for as long as they possibly can, regardless of holidays or familial obligations. Seriously, this is 60 minutes of my life I will never get back. ABC, you’re lucky I don’t sue.
Honestly, the most dramatic part of ATFR was watching production get dragged on Twitter for not making the audience wear masks during a COVID surge. After that, everything else was a goddamn snooze fest. They bring Brandon out as if he is a slug and we, the viewer, are about to collectively pour salt on him and watch him disintegrate for our personal amusement. It gets worse when Michelle joins him in the hot seat and the two of them are MATCHING. They are literally a match made in heaven. I can’t.
After spending the appropriate amount of time flinging the remnants of Brandon’s heart into the audience like they’re free T-shirts being launched into the crowd at a sporting event, they bring out Michelle’s soulNayte. (Again, gag). They seem happy and cute together and we learn that post-filming, the two are house hunting in Minnesota. If there’s any cold feet happening in the relationship, ABC tries to circumvent that by gifting Michelle and Nayte with a down payment for their house. Bribery, much?
I will say these two look like they’re in it for the long haul, if only because they’re moms are now adorably BFF and there’s nothing that keeps people together quite like familial guilt. Ever happiness to you both!
And that’s all she wrote, girlies! See you in two weeks when my New Years resolution of pretending to care about Clayton will immediately be put to the test. Until then!
Images: Craig Sjodin (3), Christopher Willard (2) / ABC; Giphy (3); @thebitchelorette_ /Instagram (1); @nayteandmichelle /Instagram (1)
On Tuesday night, after months of subjecting viewers to his fetish for barely-legal feuding beauty queens and a gaping head wound that got more infected by the minute, America’s least favorite pilot, Peter Weber, picked his winner. Well, more accurately, he proposed to Hannah Ann, she said yes, and then he proceeded to dump her on national TV on the same unfortunate day she ran out of shampoo. It was as brutal as it sounds. Then he tried to win Madison back on After The Final Rose, and they both admitted they still have feelings for one another, and are going to take it one day at a time. Wow, just when I thought things couldn’t get more romantic than a Revolve fashion show! As of right now, it looks like Peter and Madison might get back together, but I don’t think that they should. In fact, I think that Peter deserves to end up alone. You may think that’s harsh, but you should really hear what I say about myself. This is me being kind to Peter! But don’t just take my word for it, let’s look at my reasoning.
First, the way Peter treated Hannah Ann was atrocious. He didn’t tell her that she was the only one left until halfway through HIS PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE WHEN HE SPOKE MADISON’S NAME, and made it seem like he actually wanted to marry Hannah Ann, rather than the truth, which was that he was just too ashamed to salsa his way back to his parents’ basement alone. Then, while they were engaged, he told Hannah Ann he needed to contact Hannah B for “closure.” If by closure you mean a hand job while she cries on your lap, then sure, I believe you need closure, Peter. Peter also couldn’t stop being conflicted about his lingering feelings for a certain sparkling apple juice drinker back in Alabama, while engaged to Sonic’s BEST roller skating model! Do these sound like the actions of a man who deserves a happy ending to you? Or does this sound like a man that I should give up my $200/hour therapy session to? It’s all yours, Peter! One time offer!
Peter, a grown-ass man, also spent the season being coddled by another grown-ass man, Chris Harrison. After Peter dumped Hannah Ann, the showrunners forced Chris to earn his paycheck Chris took it upon himself to approach Madison about a second chance, and you can tell by his reverent tone that Chris takes his job as a wingman to a 28-year-old walking erection much more seriously than he takes his job as a mediocre TV host. He tells Madison that in Peter’s dreams he’s with her, and it’s like, well Chris, in my dreams I’m riding a hippogriff off into the sunset with Draco Malfoy, but that doesn’t mean it should happen! It’s because of Chris that Madison agrees to see Peter, and not because Peter is so desperate to see her!
It did give us this moment though, so I guess I can forgive Chris just this once:
So Chris is the one that set up Peter and Madison’s reunion, and if it wasn’t for him, would Peter be sitting on that stage alone? It’s not like he took the initiative to get her back! In fact, I’m not even sure that they want to be together—neither has posted about the other on social media yet. And if they can’t even be bothered to post a picture on Instagram nuzzling each other’s shoulders and captioning it “So lucky to be in love with my best friend!” IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?!
And finally, even Peter’s mother thinks he should end up alone at this point, and who am I to argue with Barb, whom I have no doubt would unleash the wrath of 1000 rabid bats on me if I dare disagree? I know a lot of you HATED Barb based on how much you came for her in the comments on Ryanne’s recap, but I think she was right about Madison. The minute she mentioned that Madi made them wait three hours to meet her I said to myself aloud in my empty apartment, “f*ck you and the eyelashes you rode in on, basketball girl” because there is nothing I hate more than waiting. I even downloaded the Disney fastpass app in the off chance I ever go there again. I also appreciate that Barb has no shame sh*tting on her own son on national television for his bad behavior. She is a gem, worth more than ten of Neil Lane’s gaudy mall diamonds, and we were blessed to have her even if it was for a little while. So, if even the woman who sacrificed her body to give birth to his indecisive ass thinks that he’s making the wrong decision, perhaps it’s time for him to take a break from dating.
I know this is a hard opinion to hear, but it’s not like I’m saying Peter should DIE alone or anything (my editor wouldn’t let me), but I do think it would be prudent for our Bachelor to take some time alone and figure out what he’s looking for. Either that or just marry a f*cking plane already, you know that’s what he really wants.
Images: Hannahann/Instagram; Giphy (2)
Presented by Skinnypop
Welcome back to my own personal hellscape night two of The Bachelor season finale! Last night was a whirlwind of emotions—and I’m not just talking about Barb’s religious experience after downing a bottle of pinot. Peter started out the episode with two hot, semi-legal brunettes to choose from, but by the end of the two hours, Madison had tapped out completely and left Peter to cry softly into his sparkling cider. I’m not sure what scared her away more: Peter’s family trying to explain the male g-spot to her over omelets or finding out or that Peter is apparently the dancing queen over at the local discoteca. It’s a real toss-up.
Which brings us to tonight: Hannah Ann is the last woman standing and Peter seems about as excited about it as someone who is about to undergo a colonoscopy in the morning. At one point he even tells Hannah Ann that despite incorporating a reenactment of The Titanic into their foreplay during the fantasy suites, their tepid night together just isn’t going to cut it; he’s also in love with Madison.
But before we get into that, ABC brings us back to the live taping, where Chris Harrison makes a point to acknowledge Kelley in the crowd. I’m sorry, but WHAT. ABC has to be trolling us because the internet thinks they end up together… right? RIGHT?! Whatever the case, I’m just glad ABC finally let Kelley out of her cage. Happy for you, girl!
Meanwhile, back in Australia, Peter is desperately trying to talk himself and Neil Lane into this proposal. He’s like “I love her! I think. Probably. YES! I love her! I do!”
NEIL LANE, PROBABLY:
Peter, buddy, I mean this with love, but you sound unhinged.
Okay, is that Hannah Ann’s proposal dress?? At first I thought that was just a very fashion-forward robe over some bridal lingerie, but that’s the whole look? That’s it?!
Though Hannah Ann went through the process of getting dressed and getting full glam, she declares that she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t feel like going to the rose ceremony before collapsing on her bed. These are things I say at 8:01 every morning when I debate if I actually need my day job to clothe and feed my dog. These are not things you should say right before you’re supposed to get engaged!!
Peter is down at the proposal spot, dressed in a dashing blue suit that I’m sure Barb picked out for him while stroking his hair and holding him at gunpoint until he agreed to marry Hannah Ann in the first place. He’s playing “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat in his right now, when Chris Harrison tells him that he isn’t sure Hannah Ann is coming to the rose ceremony anymore. HAHAHA. Guys, I just almost peed myself. This is priceless. I can’t. Also, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. This is what happens when you pick a woman so young they haven’t had to commit to a rental car yet, let alone a lifetime with one man.
In the end, Hannah Ann decides to show up to her own engagement. She heard there would be free booze, after all. Do we feel like maybe Chris Harrison only told Peter that to drum up a little extra drama to this otherwise boring engagement? Maybe she was running a little late, Chris? Did you ever think about that!!
Chris is like “welcome, Hannah Ann, what great timing you have” and it’s like, yeah Peter was only about to throw himself off a bridge, but good that you made it!
You can tell Hannah Ann is fully prepared to get dumped today. She’s looking at him like she’d like him to hurry up please, boarding for her flight starts in an hour. To be fair, he hasn’t told her that Madison left yet and that he literally has no other options, save that rabid kangaroo in the background.
Peter starts off his proposal strong by saying Madison’s name first. Oof. Peter! Her name is Hannah Ann, repeat after me.
God this proposal is the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s like “well, Madison left, and you already let me put it in, so… you’re in I guess!” Wow. Swoon.
The happy couple! For about 5 more minutes! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/xcbstsRvTD
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
Back To The Real World
After the proposal, Peter arrives back in L.A. where his first stop is to his parents’ house so he can deliver the news of his engagement. He’s like, “I listened to every word you said, but then Madison left anyways so it didn’t really matter in the end!” Yes, that’s accurate.
Guys, Barb’s reaction to finding out Peter chose Hannah Ann is about as healthy as my reaction was when I found out the Sprouse twins had opened a meadery in Williamsburg. I think she may have just ruptured my eardrum with those shrieks.
A month later Hannah Ann and Peter are finally reunited for the first time since Australia. Now that his parents aren’t in the room and he finally got accepted on Raya, he doesn’t seem as excited to be engaged. I’m very confused by what is happening on my television screen rn. Is he braking up with her? Peter has Hannah Ann physically draped over his body like the blanket his abuela knit him for Christmas last year, but then tells her he isn’t sure if he still loves her.
HANNAH ANN: I would stand by you even if it kills me
Kills you, Hannah Ann? This is killing ME. ABC has only been slowly eeking the life force out of me for the last 10 weeks, while you just learned that “finasco” is not a real word yesterday. But, sure, tell me all about how this process has been killing you.
Peter keeps talking about how he’s been “battling” with everything over this past month and it’s like, dude, you’re not trying to bring peace to the Middle East, you’re just trying to feel less guilty about jacking off to Madison in the shower whilst being engaged to Hannah Ann. It’s not that serious.
I think it’s clear at this point that Peter is probably going to dump Hannah Ann, and she is not having it. She may have forgotten to shower for the last six days and had her dry shampoo taken at customs, but she WILL still have her dignity.
Hannah Ann tells Peter that she’s been patient with him, she’s had faith in him, she’s stood by him, and he’s about to ruin her first engagement by dumping her a month later. I would lead troops to battle with this speech to rally behind. GO OFF, Hannah Ann.
I will say the cameraman capturing Barb’s facial expressions as she watches this entire scene play out at the live taping, is the true hero here. You, sir, deserve a medal.
Meanwhile, things aren’t going too well with Peter and Hannah Ann. You can tell he was hoping she wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He watched how Arie dumped Becca and all Becca did was cry in the corner! He shouldn’t have dumped a 23-year-old, though. She’s got more energy in one of her hair follicles than I have in my entire body, and the only time a man has ever disappointed her was when her Starbucks barista forgot to make her order a skinny. Watch out, Peter, she’s coming for your ass.
HANNAH ANN: 
I SAID YES AND I GET THIS. And then she waves the motherf*cking ring in his face!!! Guys, watching a former Chi Omega social chair roast a grown man over the flame of her ever burning hatred is putting YEARS back on my life. I have more energy, my skin feels clearer, my hair seems shinier. This is the America I want to live in.
PETER: *breathes*
THE LIVE AUDIENCE:
Hannah Ann flings the ring at Peter’s face and BARB CLAPS IN THE AUDIENCE. Why do I feel like Peter is no longer invited to his own family holidays? You can practically feel Barb’s hatred for her own son through the TV screen. She’s so pissed, I love it. You know this warranted a spanking when he got home.
“LEAVE.” THE HAND. I’M UNWELL.
Give that girl an Oscar because I have been thoroughly entertained. I didn’t think Hannah Ann had any of this in her, but damn. I’m impressed.
Hannah Ann Confronts Peter
In real time, Chris Harrison brings Hannah Ann out to the stage to finish skinning Peter alive with her words. He’s like “Peter, I know we just watched your entire life blow up, but what’s one more grenade to your happiness?” What’s one more grenade, indeed, Chris.
I know I’ve been ragging on Hannah Ann since literally day one, but I’m truly impressed with how she’s carried herself throughout this entire ordeal. I’m not sure if her agent is in the audience holding up cue cards with these zinger comebacks or what, but she is absolutely slaying this conversation right now.
PETER: *makes direct eye contact one time*
HANNAH ANN:
THAT’S CALLED BEING BLINDSIDED, PETER. Hannah Ann continues to fillet what’s left of Peter’s dignity in front of a live studio audience, and I’m living for this. I wish I could say that I feel bad for him even a little bit, but I don’t. When Hannah Ann said “I would defend you until it kills me” that’s kind of how I used to feel about Peter before watching this episode. Did he seem a little spineless to me throughout the season? You bet. But what man isn’t spineless? I genuinely thought he did a decent job of being the Bachelor and I was rooting for him—head wound and all!—throughout this entire season, but this is the first time I’m truly disappointed in him. He strung this girl along to pad his ego because he was feeling insecure after Madison left. Disgusting.
Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the final word, and boy, does she use it to her advantage. She tells Peter that if he wants to be with a woman then he needs to be a real man first and I. Am. SCREAMING.
Hannah Ann has ignited something in me this episode and I’m ready to round up all the men and burn them at the stake for their stupidity. Where you lead I will follow, bitch!
What About Madison Tho?
Now that Peter has been emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure, Chris Harrison drops one more bomb on him: he went to visit Madison in Alabama a few weeks ago. Just casual! Nbd! Meanwhile, Peter looks like he’s about to soil himself on this stage if he gets one more surprise.
ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.
Okay, Madison, if I didn’t hate you before, I certainly do now after that little “I couldn’t eat for weeks” comment. We get it, you’re tiny! STOP BRAGGING.
She says that she made a mistake and if she could do things over again she wouldn’t have made the same choices. This earns her a disgusted eye roll from Peter’s mom in the audience. Again, I say, that camera man is doing the lord’s work. Bless you, sir.
Chris fills Madi in on what’s been happening since she left The Bachelor. He tells her Peter did get engaged to Hannah Ann, but waits until Madi’s entire face crumples before telling her that Peter broke off said engagement two weeks later. This is what we call burying the lede, Chris! On the bright side, I think I now know the secret ingredient to Chris’s youthful skin: just a dab of the pain and misery of others. Really gives him that glow-and-get-‘em skin.
CHRIS HARRISON: Peter said it’s his dream to be engaged to you.
Wow, okay, Chris is really taking some liberties here because that’s not exactly what Peter said. I think what Peter actually said was something along the lines of, “I wish she was still here but I guess I’ll marry Hannah Ann instead.” But, sure, the dream thing too.
And just like that, Madi is heading off to L.A. to go get her Pachi! So, let me get this straight: she was so hurt by Peter sleeping with other women that she left the show because it didn’t sit right with her faith, but it’s cool that in the eyes of the lord he was ENGAGED to another woman before her? Cool, cool.
When Madi shows up in L.A. you can tell Peter is absolutely shocked to see her there. Not only did Madison have to sneak away from Chad and her youth group in the dead of night, but she also had to get past Peter’s front door without Barb seeing it on the door cam and calling the cops. That’s dedication.
Madison tells Peter that she hoped her feelings for him would go away, but Chris Harrison actually wouldn’t let that be possible. That’s sweet. I hope when they tell this story to their kids they don’t gloss over this manipulation part of it.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you still love Madison?
PETER: ….yeah
So I guess their love story is going to consist of a series of half-hearted “yeahs”. Cool, cool.
“yeah” YEAH?! Say it with your chest Peter! Can I get a yes one time? #TheBachelor
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
With that ringing endorsement, Chris brings Madison out onto the stage. All Madison has to do is breathe and Barb is already heavily sighing and mouthing “I can’t” to her shame-face husband. God, I love Barb. She kills me.
Wait, so they haven’t seen each other since that day in L.A.? You’re telling me that this is the first time they’ve been in the same room since that last lingering forehead touch? Absolutely nothing has been resolved here? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.
Chris asks what the next step is for the two of them and I don’t miss the look Peter sends his mother before answering. Listen, he can’t just make that decision on the spot, Chris! He has to run it by his mommy first, okay?
Speaking of which, Chris Harrison gives Barb the floor and I can’t wait for her pour some olive oil on Madison and emotionally sautee her in front of a live studio audience. She says that she’s been getting a lot of love in her DMs, and I believe it. I’m a fan. I’d like to bottle up those passive-aggressive eyerolls and keep them in my pocket for a rainy day.
According to Barb, ABC left out some key footage from Madison and Peter’s family date in Australia. Apparently, Madison made them wait three hours before she would come into the house, presumably so she could slut-shame their son on the front lawn. When she finally did come into the house, she told Barb that she wouldn’t marry her son. Damnnnnn, Barbra. You’re not holding back any punches tonight, are you?
Look, do I think Madison is to blame for all of this? Not really. I’m sure production played a role here, especially with that three hour wait thing. But I do think Barb is touching on some thoughts I’ve had throughout this season about Madison being a bit more two-faced than she lets on. From day one she’s been manipulating Peter and withholding key information about herself. She downplayed her faith and virginity to him at every turn, and then used it against him when she didn’t get her way. Barb may be a little unhinged, but at least she’s a perceptive psycho.
Also, it’s clear this is never going to work between the two of them. Barb HATES Madison with the fire of a thousand suns and there’s no way in hell Peter is going to be able to mediate this relationship for the rest of his goddamn life. He’s struggling right now, and he has ABC holding up helpful cue cards from the audience!
I will say Madison gets props for holding her own against Barb in ABC’s gladiator arena live studio. She says she was “undeniably myself” throughout this entire experience, and if by that she means “someone who is rude and late” then I think Barb might agree with her there.
Chris tries to wrap things up but Barb just keeps sh*tting on Madison from the sidelines. I love this so much. Meanwhile, Peter’s dad is trying not to make any sudden movements lest she turn on him too.
CHRIS HARRISON: Well, you two will figure it out, right mom?
BARB:
YOU HAVE TO FAIL TO SUCCEED. What does that even mean! Here Madi is thinking she and Peter are about to ride off into the sunset together and Barbra just put some sort of witch’s curse on the two of them to doom their happiness for generations to come.
And that’s a wrap for the season, kids! In terms of finales, this one was a wild ride. I laughed, I cried, I peed myself just a little. Good times. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here replaying Barb’s facial expressions on loop until The Bachelorette starts back up again. Until then!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (8); @barstoolria /Twitter (2); @bacheloring /Instagram (1)
Well, people, we made it. After 10 long weeks of listening to Pilot Pete try and incorporate his favorite swear words from 9th grade Spanish into foreplay rose ceremonies and having to endure Hannah Ann absolutely butchering the English language at every turn, we’ve finally made it to the season finale of The Bachelor (part one, because God hates me!). I’ll admit, I’m on the edge of my seat. This is the first season IN YEARS that hasn’t been spoiled the minute ABC announces the lead, and I’m just dying to know who Pachi picks to split his Delta employee perks with.
Last week Peter narrowed his search down to two final women. In one corner we have Hannah Ann, whose illustrious modeling career includes features in laundry detergent labels, the Ruby Tuesday’s Help Wanted ad, and the chair catalogue from The Office that inspired Michael Scott to believe in love again. In the other corner we have Madison, a girl who probably believes foreplay includes 10-15 minutes of intense nose nuzzling—but only after her youth group has prayed about it first. I can honestly say, I don’t envy your decision, Peter!
Which brings us to tonight! Chris Harrison tells us that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. He claims that even Peter doesn’t know the ending to his own season, and it’s got me worried about the severity of that golf cart injury the camera has been so unkind to all season long.
Seriously, I’m worried.
As we start the episode off, Peter says he’s unsure about how to choose between these women when they’ve “touched him” in so many ways. I’m going to assume he means his soul when he’s talking about Madison, and the half-hearted BJ from the fantasy suites when he’s talking about Hannah Ann. At least it seems to have really left an impression on him, girlfriend!
Before he embarks on his final few days with the women, Peter first consults his parents about his Sophie’s Choice. In minute detail, he talks about each woman, what he feels for them, and their love story thus far on The Bachelor, and at the end of this monologue the only thing his parents seem truly concerned about is that Madison probably won’t be able to properly fellate their son right away.
Seriously, why are they so concerned about his sex life?? I’m pushing 30 and I’m pretty sure my mother thinks I’ve only had sex the one time—and that’s only because she accidentally read about it on my blog! I can’t imagine if she gathered the family in the living room to talk about my future husband and his lack of sexual prowess. I’m shrieking.
Hannah Ann Meets The Parents
Every time Hannah Ann comes on my screen I’m shocked by how young she looks. Seriously, she looks like she had to have her parents sign a permission slip before she could come on the show. I know she’s supposedly 23 but I’d like to see some I.D., ABC.
I love that Hannah Ann is nervous to meet Peter’s parents, and yet Pachi’s mom showed up to this little meet-in-greet rocking a tube top. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Ew, why does he keep, like, eating her shoulder?? Hannah Ann is trying to have an adult conversation with his parents as he tries to get to third base with her shoulder blade. I’m so alarmed. Why do I feel like Peter has walked in on his parents f*cking before and didn’t immediately shut the door? It’s the only explanation for why he feels so comfortable being this intimate with a significant other in front of his parents.
HANDS, PETER!!
Hannah Ann tries to explain to Peter’s dad what she sees in Peter, and you can tell he’s still trying to piece together how the son who wears a size small in men’s tees is on national television dating numerous beautiful women, let alone what a 23-year-old Sears catalogue model sees in him.
She’s like “we laugh together, we cry together, and that’s just the foreplay!” Is it just me or does she not have one real thing to say about their relationship other than regurgitating the quotes she pinned to her marriage Pinterest board?
Hannah Ann’s meeting with Peter’s parents goes pretty amazing and that only sends Peter further into a downward spiral. He seems really torn about who he should choose, and I feel for him, I do. Which hot brunette should he choose?! IT’S HEART-WRENCHING!!!
Madison Still Thinks Peter Ain’t Sh*t
Next up, Madison gets to meet the parents. If you’ll recall, the last we saw of her was when the producers had somehow managed to blackmail her into attending the fantasy suites rose ceremony. Peter offered her the final rose of the week over Victoria F. and Madison accepted with the most passive-aggressive “yeah” I’ve ever heard in my life. Iconic. I’d like to bottle the sound of that “yeah” and make it my ringtone for all eternity. But now, Madi’s gotta face the music of her decision. And by “music” I mean Barb.
Wowwww, okay. A turtleneck for a brunch in Australia?? I feel like this will already be strike one in Barb’s book. She looks like she grew up in that town in Footloose for god’s sake.
Okay, Madison is NOT happy. She’s clearly still not over Peter sleeping with other women during fantasy suites week, and she’s not afraid to slut shame him in front of his family’s hotel room while she’s at it.
PETER’S FAMILY WATCHING THIS ARGUMENT THROUGH THE BLINDS RN:
She tells Peter how disappointed she is in his actions and honestly, I think it’s really f*cked up. She just said yes to him at the rose ceremony! Maybe table this “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech until after you’ve met his family.
And, look, I know I got a lot of heated comments defending Madison in my fantasy suites recap last week, and it’s not that I think she’s wrong per se. I actually think no one did anything wrong in this situation, and I’m proud of Madison for standing up for herself and holding true to her convictions. I know I rib on Madison a lot but she’s allowed to give sex ultimatums and save herself for marriage! Just like Peter is allowed to explore anal play with Victoria F in the fantasy suites! I just don’t think she properly explained her feelings about sex and intimacy to Peter before he decided to sleep with other people. I think if he had known the true extent of her feelings towards sex (aka that she’s a virgin until marriage) he would have either cut Madison completely or not slept with those other women.
Also, I know I said this last recap, but Sweetest Betch has brought it to my attention again in our Bachelor group chat: I’m absolutely appalled and horrified by these spider lashes Madison’s got going on. Talk about a crime against humanity. I guess she was too busy promising her virginity to Jesus to watch a f*cking YouYube tutorial. Not a good enough excuse, Madison!
PETER: You just have to meet me halfway, Madi. Just let me put it in a little.
PACHI! You know her youth pastor warned her all about “just the tip”!
I can tell Madison has put this little tiff behind her when they start nuzzling noses like there’s no tomorrow. Careful, Peter. This might be the only friction you experience for a while. Better enjoy the moment while you can!
Peter is apparently taking his conversation with Madi to heart because he keeps his tongue and his hands to himself while in front of his parents. How kind of you, Pete.
OMG. DID HIS DAD JUST ASK THEM WHAT THEIR BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IS AND SHE SAID HIS SON’S SEX LIFE. I’m dead. Deceased. You can write in my obituary that cause of death was “Pachi’s shame” because life isn’t gonna get any better than this moment right here.
I have never, in my entire 28 years of life, said the word “sex” more than three times in my parent’s presence, AND YET Peter’s family is over here analyzing what sex positions Madi might be into after marriage. Is this appropriate lunch conversation right now, Weber family? Hmm?
Peter must have warned Barb about Madison being religious, because for this meet-and-greet she decides to wear a sensible cardigan set. She tells Madison that she’s also religious but, like, usually after a bottle of pinot, ya feel me? Honestly, I’m feeling Barb’s energy on an elemental level rn. We are soul sisters.
BARB: You know Peter likes to… socialize. He parties. He’s a partier. HE LIKES TO F*CK.
Okay, woooooow. Peter’s mom is COMING for Madison over this sex ultimatum. Can you imagine meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time and having them grill you about how you’ll pleasure him in the bedroom?? Barb! You can’t just ask these things!!
I’m actually really impressed with how well Madison is holding her own with these people. She’s clearly not one to talk much about her sex life with others, and here she is having to defend her hymen over family brunch. It’s a different kind of pass the plate then the one you’re used to, huh Madi?
As soon as Madison leaves the house Barb immediately bursts into tears, and she does know the telenovela auditions were weeks ago, right? Also, it’s starting to become abundantly clear why Peter is always falling for head cases with a mother like that.
I love how Barbra absolutely SKEWERS Madison for being religious and then turns around and is like, “well I prayed and God says it’s Hannah Ann, Peter. Sorry.” Not sure that’s how it works, Barb, but okay.
Damn, Peter’s family are real advocates for his dick, aren’t they? Peter’s brother keeps talking about how challenging Madison’s virginity is as if he wrote the Kama Sutra himself. Lol, k. I’m sorry, Peter’s brother, but I just can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing those capri leggings!
I think what Peter’s family is trying to explain to him—and are failing miserably at doing—is that they’re worried Peter and Madi come from two very different backgrounds. His family seems to be really comfortable talking about sex and being physically intimate around others (just ask Hannah Ann’s elbow). Meanwhile, Madison’s family still believes in things like dowries and the closest they’ve ever been to discussing genitalia in front of each other was that one time they gave Madison “the talk” and said it had to do with her bathing suit parts. Neither is wrong, btw, but touch and intimacy are important cornerstones in any relationship, and if you’re going to marry someone you should really be on the same page. It’s a valid point, even if they’re not explaining it right.
PETER: I don’t know what to do.
PETER’S DAD: Choose Hannah Ann
PETER’S BROTHER: Choose Hannah Ann
BARB: BRING HER HOME, PACHI!!
I’m sorry, but if another man ever says I’m dramatic again, I’m going to point to this moment in history right here.
Cut to the next day, and Peter is dead set on making this Madi thing work. It’s like how my mother always said I was never allowed to get a body piercing or she wouldn’t pay for my college, and then I got my bellybutton pierced on spring break in Daytona Beach. Barb, you should have said you approved of Madison and then he would have been all into Hannah Ann!!
To prove to Madison that he’s also down with Jesus, he decides to fly her to a sacred rock in Australia. He’s like “Oh, you’re into religion? Let me tell you about this rock I know!!!” I’m sure she knows all about it, Peter. This rock was definitely on one of the pamphlets her youth pastor passed around to give the kids tips on how to turn the indigenous people to Christianity during her 8th grade mission trip.
Lol, she’s dumping him over sparkling apple juice?? Just kill yourself now, Peter.
Madison says part of being a fighter is knowing when to surrender and she never meant to start a war, she just wanted him to let her in. Or was that the chorus to “Wrecking Ball”? Honestly, I drifted off there for a minute so it’s hard to tell.
Peter is all but begging her to stay with him. He drank sparkling apple juice for you, Madison! And didn’t even wince while he did it! What more do you want from him??
They touch foreheads just long enough to make me truly uncomfortable and then Madison and her spider lashes ride off into the outback for a final time. Sad!
Peter Tries To Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons A Sonic Model
After Madi self-eliminates, we’re treated to a montage of Peter moping around the Australian Best Western. He’s like “Chris, I said never surrender and I surrendered!!” Meanwhile, throughout this entire conversation. Chris Harrison is just looking at him like all he just wanted directions to the breakfast bar, but fine. Could be worse, Chris, he could have jumped a fence!
I guess Peter’s going to suck it up and go through the motions with Hannah Ann because he shows up to their day date looking only slightly depressed. If Hannah Ann has been on any dates that originated from Hinge, then I’m sure she’s used to that look of mild dejection. It’s the way every modern day love story truly begins.
They go play with baby kangaroos, and is it just me or does that baby Kangaroo look older than Hannah Ann? Again, I’d like to see some I.D. here please.
PETER: I’m so glad you’re here, it just means so much to me.
HANNAH ANN:
HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that look definitely says she’s there because she wants to be and not at all because she’s being held against her will by production to finish this season out.
Is this Hannah Ann’s final rose ceremony dress?? Since when are you allowed to show your kneecaps on engagement day?? I suppose she did say she was going to do “everything she could” to get there with Peter. I just thought she meant sharing fun childhood stories to strengthen their emotional bond, not sharing the contour she did on her boobs.
Meanwhile, Peter shows up to this date looking like he just got shoved into a locker. Peter’s like, “I’ve never doubted anything with you except our entire future together, you know?” He tells her that his heart is being pushed into two different directions as Hannah Ann fights the urge to tell him that’s fine, she’s only here because her agent said it would look good on her resume.
I love that she tells him she’s at her breaking point and he smirks at her …? God, this girl has never seen a real breaking point before. If your breaking point involves a Revolve bandage dress and contoured boobs, then it’s not your true breaking point. Try riding the M train shoved against someone wondering aloud what color we see when we die, and then talk to me about breaking points, Hannah Ann!!
Also, like what does Peter expect to get out of this conversation except another girl self-eliminating? He basically told her he loves another girl TO HER FACE. Hell would have to freeze over before I’d say yes to an engagement the day after a conversation like this.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you tomorrow night for part two of the thrilling season finale where we’ll finally find out if Peter ends up with anything other than the gaping wound on his forehead. Until then!
Images: Giphy (4); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @bachelorfreaks /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Sponsored by SkinnyPop
Well friends, as if it wasn’t torture enough that last week was NOT the finale, ABC has decided to drag out 19 minutes of new footage into three hours tonight. THREE HOURS! As if I have not sacrificed enough for this show already! Free time, relationships, sanity, sleep, and giant chunks of my hair, all gone, in the name of “love.” I hope they know what I do for them. Shall we get on with it so we can finally find out which couple will get pretend married next season?
As a refresher, last week on Bachelor in Paradise, some couples waved goodbye to one another, some couples left in a van, and some couples met up in an air conditioned hotel room in a plot that was definitely not contrived by producers. We’re left with the motley crew of Dylan & Hannah, Katie & Chris, Nicole & Clay, and Demi & Kristian.
THE PROPOSALS
We start out on stage with Chris Harrison. He tells us that we’re finally going to see the end of these dramatic love stories. Is it too much to hope that they all end like Fatal Attraction?
We jump right back into Paradise with the fantasy suite dates. Katie starts her sex date by immediately saying “so what are we,” so she seems fun. Chris tells her tits that he is in love with them, and looking forward to spending the future and also this evening with them.
They agree to go to the fantasy suite and is this not a colossal waste of time? If they weren’t going to the fantasy suite, wouldn’t they have already gone home? This part could have been cut. I just got this episode down to 2 hours, 55 minutes.
Cut to Dylan and Hannah. They agree they want to spend forever with each other, or, rather, Dylan says he wants to spend forever together and Hannah agrees, at least until she launches her next Paradise-themed presets. How sweet.
Demi and Kristian love each other. Great, I’ve written that in every single recap this season. THIS IS NOT NEWS PEOPLE, CUT IT. 2 hours, 50 minutes.
Now we’re at Nicole and Clay. Nicole is so excited. Clay tells his lap that this is so real now. He tells his lap there are things he still needs to talk about. He tells his lap he still has reservations.
Clay opens the fantasy suite card AND TURNS IT DOWN. He wants to think on it. Nicole is pissed and kicks him out of the room. Hopefully Dean’s van is still idling outside, Clay!
Nicole looks sadly into the distance, as the resort sets off fireworks. Are they spelling out the words “he’s just not into you” or am I beginning to see things?
It’s the morning. Nicole wakes up alone and enraged, aka me everyday. She meets up with Chris Harrison back at the beach. She’s wearing a white dress. I don’t think you’re going to need one of those any time soon, sweetie.
They meet down on the engagement floor. Nicole confesses her feelings for Clay. He sweats. She asks him if he loves her. He sweats. He says he’s starting to fall in love with her, but he’s not ready to move in or anything serious, god no, but maybe they could carpool out of there together? Again, he sweats.
Nicole, about herself:
She leaves alone, but with her dignity. You go, girl! And at least you have that lifetime supply of Halo Top they gave you at The Women Tell All to binge on when you get home.
Clay pretends he is upset, but we all know he’s relieved, right? He wants to stop at the pub for a celebratory beer? I don’t think they call them pubs though, it’s f*cking Mexico, bro. Can’t you get anything right?
Chris and Katie wake up together. They’re doing a great job of pretending they’re happy together. They meet down on the engagement floor. All this wakeup time is unnecessary. Take this filler out of the episode and now I’ve made it 2 hours, 30 minutes.
Chris says he isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but he’s just going to go with his gut and how he feels in the moment. Exsqueeze me? He’s going to make a game time decision on A PROPOSAL?! I make a game time decision on whether to get an order of the mozzarella sticks or to get two orders of the mozzarella sticks, but I don’t really think it’s cool to do that on a decision that includes merging bank accounts. Where do they find these idiots?
Chris tells Katie he sees her in his forever, AND HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. So I guess he’s going with the proposal, then. Surely this is a mistake. I think your gut was actually saying mozzarella sticks, Chris.
We’ve made it to the Dylan and Hannah portion of the evening. He knows he is going to propose. They meet on the engagement floor.
Dylan starts off the convo by confessing his feelings – isn’t she supposed to start? Don’t you want to know how she feels before you get down on one knee and shove a haphazardly-chosen diamond ring that she’ll replace later in her face?
Oh wait, he’s letting her talk. Hannah tells him she is ready to make him her priority, but she’s also terrified because a fame hungry virgin hurt her feelings a few months ago. It seems to me like she is saying she doesn’t want to get proposed to. Dylan does it anyways, using her middle name in a desperate attempt to prove to me that he knows the bare minimum about this woman. I don’t believe it. She says yes. This is how divorces start, folks.
Oh, Hannah. That’s not a smile. That’s sheer terror manifesting itself on a face.
Now it’s Demi and Kristian’s turn. They meet on the engagement floor, blinding each other with the whiteness of their teeth. They confess their love for one another. Demi gets down on one knee and asks Kristian to marry her. She says yes! Now can we get a producer over here to help Demi get up? Those are some HIGH heels.
Kristian: You have to get a ring, too
Neil Lane:
Okay, we have finished hour one and now we have TWO MORE HOURS OF AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!! Why do these people deserve to find love, and I deserve to watch mind-numbing reality tv for an exorbitant amount of hours? Where did I go wrong?
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Chris Harrison introduces us to the Paradise cast, all of whom are now on stage ready to fight for their right to appear on another spinoff.
Oh good, they’re showing us clips from the season we literally just watched. This could be cut. We’re down to 2 hours, 15 minutes.
Chris Harrison wants to talk about Jordan, “Christian,” and their fight over the piñata. Jordan claims he acted in self-defense. Mike disputes the claim, and then Jordan acts like he would ever have the balls to fight Mike. Mike could literally give a sh*t.
Chris asks Hannah and Blake about the time he flew to Birmingham to see her before the taping. She says he went there to talk and explain his Stagecoach behavior. LOL Sydney’s not buying that he flew all the way to Birmingham to “talk.” Finally, Sydney! A little personality! You can sit with us.
Jordan then calls out the huge f*cking problem this show had all season, which is the fact that everyone knew each other before they came on, and it made for sh*tty TV. Cam concurs, and Onyeka immediately jumps down his throat saying he would have met the girls if he could have. Cam is the new piñata of Paradise.
I’d like to go back to that point for a minute, though. Despite my constant threats of homicide and arson, Bachelor in Paradise was my favorite Bachelor franchise show, and this season just sucked. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that they all came on to the show having already talked to each other, or already banged each other, and it was more about that drama than people meeting each other and getting together. If they’re going to keep this up, just send me screenshots of everyone’s DMs and save me 30 hours of my summer and all of my sanity, thanks.
Oh how cute, Connor tried to grow some facial hair! If he did it to appear more manly, I think it backfired because my grandma can grow a thicker mustache than that. But I’ll be sure to give you an A for effort on this semester’s report card, Connor!
Chris Harrison calls Blake to the hot seat. Blake went a little heavy on the bronzer for tonight—did he trust Kristina to teach him how to contour or something? Because this was clearly sabotage.
Blake tells Chris he was most surprised by the anger the women had toward him. GOD FORBID A WOMAN BE ANGRY. Should we all just smile and giggle when a man sleeps with us and then all our friends, Blake? Would that make you happy? Because we’re here to make you happy!
Chris: How did it feel when everyone started to really hate you??
Blake:
^^I’ll take any excuse to use that one again, sorry
Blake brings up the text messages that he released and I think for his safety he probably should have avoided this conversation, but this is not a smart man. Caelynn says she has never felt more violated in her life. Apparently Blake called Caelynn and told her he was going to release the texts, and she told him that she would get a lot of heat online if he did it, and he did it anyways.
Blake will literally not apologize. “No one would ever know she made mistakes if I hadn’t exposed her embarrassing drunk, horny text messages the way I did. Aren’t I noble?!” Eventually he manages to choke out an, “I’m sorry you felt that way” apology which everyone knows is the cop-out of apologies.
At this point, my brother texted me to tell me he thinks Blake “handled that well.” I thought he was joking, tried to have a good laugh, sent a Dr. Evil gif, the usual. He was not joking. MEN! They are literally unfit for society. I say we corral them up in a dungeon underground and only let them out to open jars or to fight in a pen for our entertainment purposes.
And with that, we are finally finished with Blake. If I ever hear the word “Stagecoach” again, I will personally sue ABC.
PARADISE ALUM UPDATES
Oh good, they’ve decided to waste my time with people that I can’t even be bothered to follow on Instagram.
Carly’s baby shrieking “no!” is my mood right now.
Jade tells us about having her baby in the closet. Because that was something I needed to see in my nightmares.
Chris and Krystal are also there, and something is up with his face. The freshly-shaved look does not work for him.
And The Bachelor gods are blessing us with a gender reveal! Because it wasn’t horrifying enough when someone you love nailed you in the face with a baseball that exploded into pink powder, now we must attend a gender reveal for a couple whose pepper-filled saliva has a Guinness World Record. Wells jumps out of a cake in a blue onesie! So I assume that means they’re having a boy, and not a fully-grown fame whore who continues to degrade himself in various ways so he can eventually pay off his fiancé’s ring?
This whole section was unnecessary filler, used to torture the audience only because waterboarding us would be illegal. They should have cut this whole thing. That gets us down to 1 hour, 55 minutes.
UPDATE ON THE COUPLES
Chris calls Tayshia up to the hot seat to talk about JPJ.
Tayshia says they had a whirlwind romance. She says she is the last one to casually throw around the idea of engagement or marriage but if my memory serves (and it does, my memory is freaking amazing—ask anyone who has ever wronged me), she was married before. So don’t you throw it around casually at least a little, T? At least that one expensive time?
Tayshia also tells us that after Paradise she regretted her decision, so she flew out to Maryland. JPJ’s face is twitching. Didn’t someone say in the comments one week that he majored in acting? (yes, I read the comments, yes, I cry about them too). That makes me sad because this man literally can not keep a straight face to save his life. Even my friend that believes all the girls on The Bachelor have real boobs texted me hours ago saying, “I think they’re back together because JPJ keeps making weird faces.” Can someone take this man’s degree back?
Of course they sent cameras to Maryland. She tells him, or more accurately, yells at his face, that she wants to explore things with him. Does it seem to anyone else like they don’t really talk to each other they just look at each other and scream nonsensical things? And now they are apparently boyfriend and girlfriend. Good for them. I hope they get all the Instagram sponsorships their hearts desire.
Chris B & Katie
Katie heads up to the hot seat. She is clearly in distress. She says that she and Chris have their ups and downs, and communication has been hard, and she is exhausted. Cool, but are you together or not?
She says they are still engaged (even though she is not wearing her ring). She also says something about how he is not filling her gas tank. Come to New Jersey, Katie! Someone else will do it for you!
“I fell in love with potential that may never come to fruition, but I’m just praying it does.” This is also something I say about my chocolate chip cookies right before I bake them, in hopes I won’t burn them yet again. Advice to Katie: they never turn out.
They bring Chris out, and he says they are taking it day by day. Katie repeats exactly what she just said to us, to Chris. I don’t need to hear those pathetic metaphors again, cut it and we’re down to 1 hour, 45 minutes.
Katie keeps saying that she is exhausted but how do you think I feel, Katie? Listening to you say that over and over again in our third hour of television, tonight? WHAT ABOUT MY EXHAUSTION?!
Chris Harrison: are you capable of being the man Katie needs?
Chris B: Yes
Audience:
They both decide they’re in this, and resolve to live unhappily ever after. Cute!
We also get a scene of Chris and Katie talking in the parking lot. They’re arguing over the same old sh*t. I think. At this point I was listening from the bathroom while washing my face. Take it out of here. We’re down to 1 hour, 39 minutes.
Hannah & Dylan
Hannah and Dylan approach the hot seat together. They say they are great, love each other, yada, yada, yada. There was no mention of the cropped sweatshirts, so I can only assume Hannah has managed to fend that off for now
Their only update is that Hannah is moving to California. They continue to be as boring on this after show as they were on Paradise.
Demi & Kristian
Demi tells us she just moved to LA to be closer to Kristian. Do all these people moving to California expect me to believe they moved there for love and not to advance their career in the short timeframe that reality TV stardom affords them?
Demi says it was hard coming out on TV, but it’s liberating. I’m happy that she was able to be who she is.
Kristian pulls Demi up from the couch to confess her feelings, and she proposes to Demi with a ring! Would it be an After The Final Rose if Neil Lane wasn’t profiting off of the already-crumbling relationships between virtual strangers?
Okay, where were Clay and Nicole? I would gladly have given up one of the times Katie compared herself to a tank of gas to hear Clay mumble to his lap about his commitment issues.
THE NEW BACHELOR
And it’s Pilot Peter! With a new haircut! It’s bad!
He is grateful and emotional about being chosen, and I am grateful and emotional we only have six more minutes of this left. I wish Peter the best on his season, may he find lots of love and lots of women willing to join the mile-high club.
The episode’s final run time: 3 hours. My final run time: 1 hour, 39 minutes. Call me, ABC!
And that’s all, folks! Now that this is over I will be putting the pieces of my life back together, and actively avoiding any Bachelor talk for the next four months. See you betches next year.
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); bachelorinparadise, wellsadams / Instagram
Sponsored By SkinnyPop
Well, people, we’ve made it. After watching what felt like an extremely long season sponsored by Jesus and steroids, Hannah is down to her final three men: Tyler, Jed, and the pilot she’s 1,000% about to send home with some pity tears and a nice HAGS comment. How we’re at the finale and she still has yet to JUST CHOOSE TYLER MY GOD whittle it down to her final two suitors, I’m not sure, but it’s starting to feel like a real punishment, let me just tell you.
The Rose Ceremony Continued
Speaking of punishments, what did America do to deserve this dress two weeks in a row? I’m sorry, but Hannah is the freaking lead this season and she’s dressed like she’s about to lose her virginity in a Holiday Inn after her junior prom. I’m starting to feel like this is a personal attack against me from stylist to the stars ABC’s social experiments, Cary Fetman, for all the times I dragged him last season over Becca’s outfits. Well you know what, Cary? I’M CRYING UNCLE. I give. Now will you please just stop? My eyes are starting to bleed.
Me screaming at my TV drunk in my living room:
But I’m a good f*cking person!
Back at the rose ceremony, Hannah has just sent Luke back to the shower from whence he crawled out of but still needs to dump another guy whilst dressed like a 2007 Pinterest mood board. Rough.
Hannah starts things off by saying her heart is about to be broken by this decision, and I don’t love the way she keeps looking at Tyler. Her eyes look like they are full of regret, like she’s sad she’ll never get a chance to sample that dick or something, and it’s like YES YOU CAN, HANNAH. JUST KEEP HIM.
Oh thank god. Tyler is safe which means it’s sayonara to our favorite Delta pilot.
Peter: But the windmill!!
Wow Hannah is struggling with this goodbye rn. She’s like, “my Barbie played with your Barbie and that’s what love is!” I don’t know what they’re teaching in Alabama, but I’m scared. Thanks to my friend Aubrey who grew up in Alabama—and, until two years ago, didn’t realize dinosaurs were not mythical creatures lumped in with the Loch Ness monster and the tooth fairy, but rather, actually existed—I know all about the “science” they’re teaching in those public schools. But now I’m starting to think their sex ed classes involve dolls with strategic parts of their anatomy missing and a lot of prayer. Aubrey, please confirm!
After The Final Rose AKA Peter’s Mom Is A Hype Girl
After Peter gets dumped, ABC cuts to live coverage from After The Final Rose with Chris Harrison. It appears we will be flashing back and forth from the finale to ATFR because ABC is a sadist loves nothing better than to hold us hostage for as long as possible in the name of “good television.” ABC, you’re on my list.
He brings Peter out to the hot seat, and I love that Chris Harrison gets genuine joy out of rubbing salt in other people’s wounds. He’s like “I see you’re having trouble watching this. I see you crying. Do you want to kill yourself?” CHRIS. You can’t just ask these things on live television!
Meanwhile, Peter’s mom is in the audience and is acting like a national tragedy just happened. I’m sorry but, ma’am, your son has definitely f*cked his way through every Delta flight attendant. I think he’ll survive.
Once Chris gets done doing a pulse check on Peter’s emotional instability, he brings out Hannah to finish off skewering Peter’s love life. Weirdly, this reunion has the opposite effect. Is it just me or is Hannah, like, flirting with Peter? This is not the interaction I was expecting AN ENGAGED WOMAN to have with her ex-boyfriend in front of all of America and Peter’s mom. That is way too much thigh touching for an engaged woman!!
Jesus Christ. Hannah, stop saying hi to his parents! They hate your guts. They offered you their home and their Cuban prayers and you sh*t on it! Plus his mother was just sobbing so have a little tact, Hannah.
Hannah: In the Fantasy Suite I thought it was real.
Peter: I know, I really believed those orgasms were real too.
Okay, Peter’s mom is the ultimate hype girl. Every time they bring up Peter’s sexual prowess, she claps. Like, a lot. Like, more than is socially acceptable to clap for your grown son’s penis.
Peter’s mom rn: 
Chris is like “well on a lighter note, you’ll always have the windmill!” Yes, Chris, as if the poor people of Crete could ever forget how they desecrated one of their fanciest tourist attractions. But thank you for bringing it up once more!!
WHY ARE THEY WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER. They’re giggling over that “four times” comment in a way that makes me think maybe there’s been a fifth or sixth time post-filming?
I mean, TELL me this doesn’t look like they’ve snuck away to the Delta Sky Lounge recently? There is more tea to be spilled here…
Tyler’s Last One-On-One
I’m going to break the rest of this recap up into two parts with Tyler and Jed’s dates, respectively. I mean, if I were ABC that’s how I would have done it in the first place, but I’ve heard this is also a tactic they use to torture prisoners of war to disorient them and make them lose track of all sense of time, and I know that’s the vibe they go for with these finales.
Tyler gets to meet Hannah’s family first, and my immediate thought upon seeing them is “wow that’s a lot of crosses happening there.” The whole family is giving me Christian rock band vibes HARD, and the dad in particular looks like a youth pastor who wants to tell me all about how bitchin’ Jesus was.
Wow, okay, it looks like Hannah’s mom might be more into Tyler than Hannah is. He walks into the house and her eyes light the f*ck up. She’s breathing heavy and giggling and BLUSHING.
Hannah: I didn’t know if I liked you, Tyler, or if you were just tall.
Ah, yes. Isn’t that all our cross to bear?
After impressing her dad and bringing her mother to orgasm by merely breathing, Tyler gets one more chance to prove to Hannah that he’s more than just an extremely good-looking man with lots of money and respect for women. What more she could want in a guy, I’m not sure. I believe my list goes something like “hot, tall, rich, and has seen every Veronica Mars episode ever made” but to each their own, I guess.
Tyler’s like “I’m a pusher, Cady Hannah. I push people.” Does he think if he says the word “push” enough she’ll get the subliminal message that he wants to bang in that field?
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WAIT. ARE THEY GOING TO DO IT TONIGHT?? I think it might happen! Damn, that subliminal messaging really works. Hannah shows up to Tyler’s hotel room post-date with the sole intent of solidifying their relationship screwing his brains out, it seems. Though you wouldn’t be able to tell based off that hoodie sweater thing she’s wearing. It’s giving me some serious middle school field day vibes rather than the “come hither” ones I’m sure she intended.
The camera pans out just as Hannah screams “we would have the sweetest family” and then straddles Tyler on the bed. Just when we were getting to the good stuff!
Jed’s Last One-On-One
Moving on to Jed’s date. Tyler is a tough act to follow and I’m not just saying that because the pheromones he puts into the world brought Hannah’s mom out of menopause. That said, Hannah does look amazing today. I’m digging this Grecian goddess look, but I don’t like that she’s wasted it on a man who most definitely makes fake YouTube accounts to comment glowing praise on his own music videos.
Predictably, Jed’s burgeoning music career does not go over well with her family. Hannah’s dad asks how he intends to support a family and Jed is just like “um with this?” JED. You can’t just say these things! I’m pretty sure her father wants you to have a more solid (albeit untruthful) plan for his daughter’s security other than just open mic nights and Flat Tummy Tea deals.
Hannah’s dad: And how is your music career going?
Jed: It’s really taking off, sir. I just signed a deal with a dog food company for a jingle.
I SIGNED A DEAL WITH A DOG FOOD COMPANY. Where has this gem been all season?? And how did that jingle go, Jed? Hmm? I’m imagining something like: “Haley, you know where my heart will be. But if I don’t come back, feed the dog for me.”
I love how her mom is just like, “so you’ve been failing as a songwriter for a while now, huh, honey?” Shadeeeeee, Barbara. I can’t wait to get her take on the Magic Mike act that actually pays his bills.
Hannah: Well what do you think of him?
Hannah’s mom: Well he has… qualities.
HE HAS QUALITIES!! HAHA. She can’t even force herself to say good qualities. Even serial killers have “qualities”, Barbara!
I don’t know why Hannah is acting shocked by all of this. Jed literally said his five year plan involved making it big off of kibble. I think that’s how it worked out for The Beatles too, Jed!
Jed describing his five year plan:
Moving on. They spend their last one-on-one date on a boat in Greece. For all intents and purposes this should be the perfect date, but it quickly turns into the stuff of my nightmares when Hannah starts projectile vomiting for no apparent reason.
She’s like “I think it’s the boat and maybe the uncertainty that goes along with wanting a future with a guy who thinks dog food jingles are okay to lead with on his LinkedIn.” In between blowing chunks over the side of the boat, Jed complains about how her dad just doesn’t understand his music. I feel like my friend from high school who now sells Mary Kay products on Facebook has a more lucrative career than you, but please tell me more, Jed.
Jed: I would love you no matter what, even if I met you off the show.
His girlfriend back at home:
And that concludes night one of the Bachelorette finale! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to see if Hannah will get her happily ever after or just a future pulling singles out of Jed’s G-string.
Images: Giphy (6); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (2)
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Welcome back to hell night two of The Bachelor season finale because, yes, Colton’s season is STILL somehow going on. I should know, I’ve only been praying all day that God would drop an anvil on my head or something and finally put me out of my misery. But alas, I’m still here. Last night we watched Colton audition for Naked and Afraid take to the wild streets of Portugal until Chris Harrison, who earned his paycheck and then some, coddled his ego enough that he could be lured back to the hotel. Snaps for you, Chris! The rest of the episode flipped back and forth between Colton dumping any woman who would actually sleep with him and live content from After The Final Rose. The episode ended with Colton deciding to risk the last remnants of his dignity by getting on his hands and knees and begging to Cassie to take him back. Jesus.
Moving on to this week. Chris Harrison starts things off by posing this question to the audience: can Cassie be bribed find love with Colton or will he remain a virgin forever? Because I guess that’s what’s really important here, not finding unconditional love and everlasting happiness, but that Colton really needs to get laid!!
Cassie opens the door and she doesn’t look at all surprised to see Colton there. Is it normal for her to have grown-ass men sobbing at her door?
COLTON: I broke up with Tayshia and Hannah for you.
CASSIE:
Did she just straight-up laugh in his face when he said that? CASSIE! At least keep it together until he’s not in the room! Also, Colton, it’s not looking good for you, buddy. Cassie’s like “I don’t understand because other girls told me they were farther along with and I literally said I’m not interested??” Yeah, it’s a mystery to us too, Cassie.
She is so turned off by him right now, it’s crazy. She’s, like, still trying to convince him to dump her, but Colton is clinging on to her for dear life. I also just don’t understand why Cassie is freaking out like this? He says they don’t have to get engaged at the end, so the only reason she should be freaking out is if she actually doesn’t like him, which is definitely the case!!
Wait. Why are they kissing now?? I don’t understand. Are they together? Are they breaking up? Is it a pity kiss? WHAT IS HAPPENING.
COLTON: I know you don’t want to be seen with me in public anymore, but I can offer you a free trip to Spain?
CASSIE: Fine.
FINE?! I can’t believe I’m wasting FOUR HOURS of my life that I will never be able to get back on a girl that has the same feelings about her relationship as I do about saltine crackers.
Cassie Meets The Fam
Yes, you read that right. A girl who might describe her feelings for Colton as lukewarm at best is going to meet his parents. Colton explains what went down during the fantasy suites, and his parents look appropriately horrified, and not just about the amount of times their adult son has mentioned his virginity during family breakfast.
Colton says he’s going to be optimistic about this relationship, but there’s literally no one else, so really what are his options?
Right away Uncle John is like “So are you dating? Just friends? Letting Colton at least get a BJ at the end of all this?” UNCLE JOHN. He’s worse then my friend Ashley who’s always asking me to define the relationship when she knows damn well that I prefer to keep any of my romantic entanglements an emotional arms-length away. God!
Colton’s mom pulls him aside, and I hope she slaps some sense into him. Is it just me or is Colton acting like they’re actually dating? But Cassie has not at all said that those words. He’s acting like once they leave this show, Cassie will be his. Um, after she leaves ABC’s clutches she’s not contractually obligated to be anywhere near you anymore, bro.
CASSIE: Where should I start when it comes to our relationship?
COLTON’S MOM: Well, you can start with your decision to bail.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM:
Y’all, I’m truly living for the disgust Colton’s family is openly displaying for Cassie rn. They’re not even trying to hide it at this point. His mother is practically sneering into her margarita, and his dad is crying because he hates her so much. Their resentment is putting an extra spring in my step.
The Last One-On-One Date
Colton gets one last chance to bribe Cassie not to leave him while the cameras aren’t rolling, and he is pulling out all the stops. Romantic scenery, a once-in-a-lifetime activity which he can twist into a metaphor about their relationship and taking a “leap of faith.” God, I hope it all blows up in his face.
For the date, they’re having a picnic seaside, but first they have to shimmy down a cliff. Cassie, you better be careful what you say to him…one wrong word and Colton might throw himself off that cliff. Honestly, I’m hoping they both fall to their deaths.
Cassie finally admits that she has commitment issues, and not only is she not ready to get married, but she can’t even see herself dating someone, which is why she signed up for a show where the end goal is to be in a committed relationship. Makes sense.
Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening, and Cassie is pretending to be mildly attracted to Colton again. Which producer had to whisper “thousands more Instagram followers” into her ear before this to get her hyped enough for this date?
CASSIE: You’ve taught me a lot. Like I can’t get away no matter how far I run.
That’s the spirit, girlfriend!
Colton asks Cassie if she feels like giving him pity sex going into the fantasy suite and she says yes!! Against all odds (and so many tears), Colton is actually going to lose his virginity. He kicks production out and all but throws his mic and his underwear out into the hallway. This is so uncomfortable. Like, I’m watching a docuseries on a brothel. I feel dirty.
Cut to the next morning and Colton is all but waving her bra in the air for the cameras, he’s that f*cking smug.
COLTON: We did what was right for our relationship.
ALSO COLTON:
Good for you, Colton! you’re a big boy now. I hope those five seconds were everything you dreamed they would be.
After The Final Rose
Chris brings out Colton and Cassie and, because he is a messy bitch, immediately asks them if they banged. He doesn’t even pretend to beat around the bush. Though, now that I think about it, that’s probably about as much foreplay as Colton gave Cassie in Portugal, so by all means Chris Harrison, carry on.
God. F*ck off, Colton. He’s like “I know I profited off my virginity for the past 10 weeks, but now that you want an answer I’m not going to tell you.” Yeah the only reason he’s not “kissing and telling” is because Cassie’s dad probably threatened to castrate him or something.
COLTON: We’ve come really far since our time on the show. Cassie is actually letting me breathe the same air as her now!
I’m sorry, but did Colton just say that “spending a lot of time together” is a big step in their relationship? Was he not mentally and emotionally prepared to MARRY someone at the beginning of this, and now he’s just settling for being allowed to be within 100 feet of his girlfriend? Oh, Colton.
ABC rolls out some footage of their time together post-production and it’s really sweet to watch Cassie finally get on board with this and read what production wrote about Colton word-for-word. Thanks for finally getting with the program, sweetie!
Okay, who tf is Air Supply and why are they on my screen rn? Is ABC punking me? Is this just another one-on-one and the season is still happening?? I’m so confused.
I love that they’re forcing Colton and Cassie to dance in front of this entire viewing audience like the performing circus animals they are. Dance, monkeys, dance!
Also, the band is belting out the lyrics “making love out of nothing at all” as these two pretend to be into each other is the ultimate burn. Bravo, ABC.
Next up, ABC announces the next Bachelorette and it’s… Alabama Hannah!! Wow. This might be the first time Hannah B has beat Caelynn out for anything in her entire damn life, and I am here for it. Honestly, Caelynn will probably have better luck on Ship than with the psychos ABC chooses her, so who really won here?
Unpopular opinion: I love Alabama Hannah, and I’m so happy they chose her to be the next Bachelorette. I know I gave her a lot of sh*t at the beginning of Colton’s season, but she’s really grown on me. And I love, love, LOVE that she’s not in the least bit poised or put-together. She’s going to be a hot mess and I think her bumbling ass is going to make for great TV.
Hannah B as The Bachelorette telling the guys in the house to pack they’re bags because they’re going overseas pic.twitter.com/LFfXpIn7GE
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 13, 2019
CHRIS HARRISON: What’s your ideal man?
HANNAH: I just hope they can string words together.
Funny, that’s where my bar is set too.
Speaking of her men, ABC decides to bring out five men from Hannah’s season RIGHT NOW to woo her. My first impression of Hannah’s guys goes as such:
- I will be slipping in to Luke’s DMs approximately 1 glass of wine from now
- The one who brought champagne is doing the Lord’s work. Hannah’s face is like, “Thank god for the champagne, but I wish it was vodka.”
- Oh, this one is cute! Oh wait. Oh dear god NO. He’s rapping. Why is the white guy rapping? I take it back and burn my TV.
- I’m not convinced Luke #2 is not Nick Viall trying but failing to hide his identity with a heavy amount of plastic surgery.
Hannah says all the men were great and she wishes she could give out a rose and Chris is like “Well how convenient because we have one right here!” Chris, I know you just shamelessly promoted your acting stint on Single Parents, but my god, you need to work on your surprise coincidence face.
HANNAH: You were all so great!
ALSO HANNAH:
She gives the rose to Mr. Malibu Most Wanted and it’s going to make for a fun season if she’s out here picking the guys that actually show a personality instead of the ones showing off their new jaws they just got perfectly contoured at the filler clinic.
And that’s a wrap for the season, betches! If you need me, I’ll just be here trying to bleach my brain from ever having seen Colton’s shiny, sobbing face. See you hoes in May for The Bachelorette!
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2)
