In honor of the glory that was Big Little Lies, we need to just take a moment to appreciate the queen that is Reese Witherspoon. You may be asking, like, wait, is Reese even a betch? She seems kind of nice girl-ish to me. But while Reese may be super nice, she’s no basic nice girl. She gave us Legally Blonde so she’s grandfathered—er grandmothered?—in to the group. Kind of like how Rachel McAdams seems like she is mostly a narc in real life but she played Regina George so she is automatically betchy forever. It’s like, a betchiness lifetime acheivement award or something. Reese’s contributions to the genre just cannot be ignored. So, in honor of all of the acheivements Reese has made to amplify the voices of betches everywhere (not that we really need it but whatever) we’ve conveniently ranked her best work.
What, like it’s hard?
10. ‘Hot Pursuit’
You probably forgot that this movie even exists or just had it really confused with another female buddy-cop movie like The Heat or that one with Melissa McCarthy and the guy from Arrested Development. But this is an actual movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Sophia Vergara and it came out in 2015. Let’s just say, the reviews were not great. It scored a whopping 7 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Not your best work, girl.
Tobey Maguire plays Reese’s weird brother who is obsessed with a TV show from the 50s, so much so that he gets them both trapped in the black-and-white world of the show. Tobey’s character was definitely one of those Make America Great Again types who, when actually sent back in time, realized that despite being straight white male, the 1950s fucking sucked. Maybe we can do this for the Trump supporters?? Somebody get to work on this. Anyway, Reese played Tobey’s slutty sister who fucked shit up by opening these 1950s dudes’ eyes to the wonders of sex. But then in some Freaky Friday-esque twist, Tobey ends up realizing modern times are better and Reese realizes she’d rather be stuck in the 50s. Pleasantville was an enjoyable movie and I’ve seen it like six times with my family, so it’s not Reese’s worst movie, but her character actually does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nice girl which I do not appreciate in any way. Ninth place.
Reese stars as the iconic Tracey Flick who, though she was a dork, was kind of a ruthless betch who stopped at nothing to achieve her goal of becoming student body president. It’s basically 90s movie gold. That hot-ish guy from the American Pie movies is in it too. Anyway, Tracey is so driven and empowered that she drives one of her teachers literally insane, a sentence that could also describe my high school experience. Reese might be annoying AF in this movie, but in true betch fashion, she gets her way in the end. Still, I don’t think anybody saw this movie, and I had to Google it to make sure this wasn’t the one where Will Ferrell and Zack Galifinakis are running for political office against each other, which says a lot about the lasting power of the film IMO.
Sure, Wild is a movie about hiking, which I mean, gross, but anyway, it’s still watchable. And it was maybe nominated for an Oscar, unless I’m just making that up? Based on Cheryl Strayed’s book of the same name, we follow Reese on the mission of an independent-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man hiking the Pacific Coast Trail. And now I’m getting Eat, Pray Love PTSD flashbacks, ugh. Where this movie beats out Julia Roberts’ self-indulgent pasta-fest, though, is that Reese’s character swears a lot and ends up throwing a pair of ugly boots off a cliff. I mean, if I was forced to hike for more than three minutes I would do the exact same thing. Don’t put me down for hiking, I’d legit rather be eaten by a bear.
6. ‘This Means War’
Was this her best work? Of course not, but I had to include it on the list because what isn’t betchy about two really fucking hot CIA agents fighting over you? Especially if one of those dudes is Chris Pine. I mean, really. Also, Chelsea Handler played her best friend in this movie. Every betch should have Chelsea Handler as a best friend. Not a great film, but something you could definitely watch on a hungover Sunday morning, meaning it passes the Betchdel test.
5. ‘American Psycho’
Did you forget Reese is in this movie? Yeah, probs. DW about it, Reese probably forgot she was in this movie, too. She has a minor role as one of Patrick Bateman’s posh Manhattanite girlfriends, which we obviously connect with on a personal level. Spoiler alert, she doesn’t get murdered in the movie—another plus. In fact, I think she might be in maybe two scenes. Nonetheless, American Psycho has had kind of a resurgence lately—possibly because of Scott Disick’s physical and mental resemblance to Patrick Bateman, or the fact that the title can also serve as a two-word biography of our current president—so this seems like a good time to mention that Reese was not only in it, but seemed like a pretty decent match for Christian Bale in that role.
4. ‘Walk The Line’
The role of June Carter earned Reese an Oscar. That’s right, her portrayal of Elle Woods wasn’t the role that won her the hardware. Shame. Anyway, props to her for winning an award and getting to hang out with Joaquin Phoenix before he got all weird. Even as a brunette, we can still get behind her being the apple of a fake Johnny Cash’s eye. Like, also, of course she can sing. Because Reese Witherspoon is basically perfect, and why would you think otherwise?
3. ‘Cruel Intentions’
This was probably one of the first rated R movies you wanted to see. Sure, you could watch an edited version on TV, but it really leaves out some of the good stuff, including the insane amount of swearing these supposed high schoolers do. If you didn’t think Ryan Phillipe was hot as shit in this movie, who even are you? He was the king of fuckboys, but still hot. Aparently Reese thought he was alright too because they ended up getting married. Also, that kiss between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair was iconic. So yeah, even though Reese is kind of the designated “nice girl” of this movie, Reese had to selflessly assume that role so that all of SMG’s betchiness could be truly appreciated. It’s like how only once you know darkness can you truly appreciate the light, or some shit.
2. ‘Sweet Home Alabama’
Once again, Reese finds herself in a love triangle between two really hot dudes, one of which is McDreamy himself. I recently watched this movie because it was on, and let me just tell you, the plot holes are pretty glaring—but, for some reason, it’s still good. Reese plays an up-and-coming fashion designer in New York City (because that’s an easy enough job to get) who gets engaged and is forced to go back to her hometown in Alabama to finalize a divorce with her high school BF and explain to her family why she hasn’t been answering any of their calls for a decade. But, plot twist, her family still loves her and her ex husband has become both hot and wealthy. Then Reese is faced with the classic dilemma: Can a woman be hot, rich, and southern all at once? (SPOILER ALERT: she can).
1. ‘Legally Blonde’
This is in the betch cannon of classic films so is it even any fucking surprise that this is Reese’s best work? Let’s pretend like all of those shitty sequels didn’t exist so we can just focus on the real story of Bruiser and Elle Woods. In case you forgot, they’re both gemini vegetarians and probably the two betchiest to ever attend Harvard. Who among us hasn’t been motivated to do something crazy after a breakup? Given, going to law school isn’t necessarily as self-destructive as chopping all your hair off, but still. This movie is responsible for so many amazing lines that can be quoted in almost all curcumstances that it’s difficult to even pick just one, and there is no way Elle wasn’t directly responsible for Harvard being flooded with scented resume and poolside video applications. Like I said, it’s hard to nail down just one moment from this movie to leave you with. The bend and snap? The
playboy bunny Gloria Steinem costume? The moment when she saves Paulette’s dog using legal jargon? No. Instead i’ll leave you with one of the film’s most iconic lines, which will be used as an example of rock solid logic for years to come:
Read: A Definitive Ranking Of The ‘Big Little Lies’ Charactershttp://www.betches.com/big-little-lies-characters-ranked
In a definitive ranking of Hollywood transformations, I’m putting Emma Watson at #2, right under Michael Jackson and right before Caitlyn Jenner. Change your race, change your gender, IDGAF, nothing hits me quite like a vintage Emma circa Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. When we first met Em, she was a try-hard who pissed the whole classroom off and acted super desp over a scrawny ginger I would’ve ghosted before we even met. Level of betchiness: Anne Hathaway and Taylor Swift’s love child.
Now she’s a real life princess and the literal embodiment of the concept of “beauty,” which was my actual dream career/theme of every birthday party I ever had until my mom sobered up and realized I was turning 13 and something should prob change. She’s also queen feminist and a UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador. If you don’t know what that is exactly, know it’s important AF. Remember how “important” you felt when you ran your sorority’s Tumblr?? Multiply that by 8,000,000 and you might be halfway there.
If I knew exactly what Emma did to go from “No, I didn’t just get electrocuted” to now, I wouldn’t be texting my grandma taking her up on her blind date offer, now would I?? But I have noticed a couple important beauty tips we could all use to transform ourselves into more attractive people, much like The Beast at the end of Beauty and The Beast.
1. The Importance Of Keratin
Did Emma Watson have frizzy-ass hair because she played Hermione, or did Emma Watson play Hermione because she had frizzy-ass hair? We may never know, but what we do know is that once Emma tamed the mane (shout out to Keratin), we started playing by her rules. And since then, Emma’s rocked short, blonde spikes to long, dark longs. Along the way, she’s taught us that our hair can be our best accessory if you pay enough attention to it and keep things interesting. Sounds like me as a girlfriend—needy AF. Thanks for reminding America not to sleep on the pixie cut, Em.
2. Keep The Male:Female Ratio In Your Favor
Emma’s queen at rolling up with a (below-average looking) man on each arm. Not only does she automatically look way out of their leagues, arriving as the sole female eliminates possible competition from anyone else looking better than you. A strategy I plan to implement this coming weekend—stay tuned.
3. When In Doubt, Red Lip
A signature makeup trend of Emma’s is a bold yet classy red lip. The statement color dresses up any look, makes lips look fuller and brightens your whole face. Pair this look with neutral colors or a cap and gown—you know, if you’re also an Ivy League grad.
4. Knowledge Is Always A Good Look
Emma’s confidence, intelligence, and well-tailored pantsuits are what make her actual #goals. Like, sure, we all think #goals when we see Kendall Jenner casually sporting Victoria’s Secret Angel Wings in Paris, but let’s sit back and reflect on the fact that she can’t read. So who’s actually taking the bigger L here, Kendall or you and your glass of wine that turned into a bottle and a half? Emma, on the other hand, uses her platform to set a good example and make a difference. Girl power and shit.
5. Own Your Cleavage
We need to talk about all the sad, old men yelling at Emma for innocently showing some cleav at a Vanity Fair shoot. To everyone who’s saying she’s hypocritical and actually anti-feminist because she posed semi-topless, I practically wear that amount of clothing on a given Saturday night. I mean A) this is hardly scandalous in Vanity Fair terms (I’m STILL haunted from the pics of daughter Miley and daddy Billy Ray) and B) If you don’t think you can have tits and be feminist at the same time, than there’s a bigger issue going on here. Emma, if you’re up there, know you set an example for females everywhere and remind us of the importance in tasteful underboob. You recognize that cleavage can be a woman’s best friend, and you do so with class. Slay.
Basically, if you want to live your dream life, model it after Emma Watson. I mean, who else can go from playing a fugly beloved children’s character who reads books to playing a beautiful beloved children’s character who loves to read books within just the span of a decade? It’s truly inspiring. Like, for real. Can’t wait to see what Emma does next.