Say goodbye to all those drunken plans for spontaneous Euro tours, because the European Parliament just voted to end visa-free travel around the EU for Americans. Basically, we’re no longer welcome to sit at the lunch table across the pond, and given America’s rapid descent into nationalist hell, who can blame them?
In the past, travelers from the U.S. could traipse around the EU all they wanted without a visa. Last week, though, Parliament voted to end the agreement, and we only have ourselves—well, our shitty ambassadors—to blame. In theory, visa-free travel was supposed to go both ways, but the good ole US of A has refused to reciprocate for citizens from Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus, Poland, and Romania, even though they’re part of the EU.
The European Commission found out about all this nonsense three years ago, and for some reason, it’s taken until now for anyone to do something about it. Maybe because they couldn’t believe the U.S. would be such a spectacularly shitty friend? Maybe because they didn’t have to worry about a massive influx of Americans coming in without a visa for indeterminate amounts of time under President Obama?
Finally, though, Parliament decided to temporarily reimpose visa requirements for American citizens because what the hell, America? Canada and Australia were also doing the same thing, but they’re in the process of lifting their visa requirements now that they’ve been called out.
The good news is that the vote isn’t binding; Parliament is basically just peer-pressuring the European Commission into doing something about the whole situation. So your spring break plans aren’t totally fucked yet, but you might want to get your ass to Paris and take that tacky Eiffel Tower photo—or, IDK, book a one-way ticket to Italy and “forget” to buy a return trip—ASAP.
Dear World Traveler,
I would say welcome back, but I get the feeling you’re not all that happy to be here. Although nobody’s excited to come back from vacation, you’re taking the whole “take me back!” thing too far—so far the light of acceptable behavior won’t reach you for millions of years. Allow me to walk you through every faux pas you’ve committed since returning from your international vacay.
First, let’s talk about the endless Instagrams. While you were out of the country, I was forgiving of your habit of posting multiple times a day. Sure, it’s fucking annoying and better suited to Snapchat, but what’s the point of going somewhere cool for vacation if you can’t rub it in everyone’s faces back home? But as much as you may pretend otherwise, you’ve been home for weeks now. Stop posting pics like you’re still traipsing around Thailand. Literally everyone knows you’re back at the office, largely because you won’t shut up about how you’re saving up to go abroad again. If you must post your 342nd bikini pic in a week, at least have the decency to tag it #tbt.
Let’s also discuss this obsession with blending in with the locals. You’re not Beyoncé. Not a single resident in any given country gives a shit whether you specifically come visit. Tourism is an industry; as long as dumb Americans are spending their money in some way, the locals you so heroically befriended (read: followed around) couldn’t care less that you’re, like, super in tune with their culture. Newsflash: You’re not! I don’t care if you consider yourself a “traveler” instead of a tourist—either way, you don’t fucking live there. Partying with your surf instructor and learning how to order coffee in another language doesn’t make you an honorary citizen any more than twerking made Miley Cyrus black.
While we’re on the subject, everyone knows the U.S. grows shitty coffee; you don’t need to keep comparing it to the espresso you drank in your favorite café every morning. Suck it up and go to Starbucks like the rest of us.
Then there’s the one-upping. Good God, the one-upping. Not only do you find the excuse to turn every single conversation into a story from your vacation, but you refuse to entertain the possibility that anyone in the history of white girls visiting exotic party locales had a better time than you. Honestly, the only upside to this is your expression when someone busts out a story you can’t top.
In conclusion, I get it. Visiting another country is super fucking cool. But there’s a time and a place for bragging about your newfound worldly sophistication, and you flew past both a long time ago. Save the vacay pics for your grandma—nobody else cares.
We Will Not “Take You Back”,