Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 37-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker was born. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these goofballs every Monday night (past seasons are in my highlights). 

Gabby & Rachel

Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia are our co-Bachelorettes. I love that there are two Bachelorettes. I’ve been asking this show to get creative for YEARS. What bothers me is somehow a few Bachelor alums have tried to co-opt the twist by saying it’s anti-woman so they can get a clickbait-y headline for their podcast. Sure, if The Bachelorette had the female leads mud wrestle for the last box of the country’s Plan B, then it would be annoying and bizarre. But this didn’t happen out of the blue. Gabby and Rachel were both strung along by last season’s wooden table of a personality and they came to one another’s aid in a really beautiful way. Having them co-star made so much sense, while adding a needed change to the weaker of the two franchises. To be honest, neither woman stood out as a lead. Rachel was always whispering and Gabby acted like the weird girl in high school who you’d always bring up during lunchtime “You know who’s actually hot?!” conversations. But together they were interesting and fun and seemingly good at partnering up during a difficult time. You know what this is called? Nuance. Remember, your Bachelor alums don’t speak with nuance because that doesn’t grow their audience or get them brought back as the host. Ok! Let’s check out the dudes who had to google the definition of “nuance.”

Alec, 27, Wedding Photographer

Alec is a 27-year-old wedding photographer who looks like someone used an old marker with very little ink to draw a beard onto his face. His bio says that he’s a self-proclaimed “lover boy.” Of course that’s “self-proclaimed!” Nobody has ever called someone else a lover boy like they’re Bugs Bunny dressed in drag. I’d love to have been in the room the first time he called himself “lover boy.” I’d be like, “Alec, what do you mean? Explain that.” And then Alec would be like, “Well I’m pretty good at, like, banging and shit.” And then the room would get totally silent and I’d be grinning while fully erect. 

Aven, 28, Sales Executive

Aven is a 28-year-old sales executive from San Diego whose eyebrows look like two caterpillars that are about to kiss. Aven only allows himself to eat out once a week. I have so many questions. Can you do takeout?! What if you eat out on a Monday, then Wednesday you meet Bruce Springsteen and he asks you to go to dinner on Thursday?! Does Aven say, “Sorry Bruce! We’ve got a routine!?!” Then you’re back home, eating grilled chicken and vegetables while humming “Dancing in the Dark” with tears streaming down your cheek? Aven’s like “You ok babe?!” And you’re like, “Ya. Totally cool. The broccoli is steamed perfectly.” Then you and Aven head to the bedroom for your weekly scheduled missionary on a towel sex. There will be no Glory Days for me and Aven. That’s for sure. 

Brandan, 23, Bartender

Brandan’s bio says that he loves Disneyland and he goes every year on his birthday, which is a VERY 23-year-old thing to say. At that age you’re like Peter Pan. You’re like, “This friend group is going to be together forever! And every year we’re going to Disneyland on my birthday!” Then two friends hook up. A third friend doesn’t make enough money to hang out. Another friend can’t handle their alcohol. And the ones that did all the planning get married. Two years from now it’ll be Brandan at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse ears and a woman he met a month before on Tinder. He will be holding one balloon and he’ll whisper to himself, “Next year, maybe just drinks at a bar.”

Chris, 30, Mentality Coach

Chris is a 30-year-old mentality coach from Redondo Beach who looks like he just got really high in the car before walking into a movie. Chris has written two books and says that he is his own favorite author. So his favorite author is a guy with a fake job who self-produced an ebook. I’m not sure what’s a worse first date answer to “Who is your favorite author?”—Chris saying, “Me.” Or when I say, “I used to like those Goosebumps books.”

Colin, 36, Sales Director

Colin is a 36-year-old sales director from Chicago who looks the most like a guy in sales from Chicago I’ve ever seen. That quarter zip sweater might not ever come off his body. He looks like he started at Groupon and moved to something at Accenture and now hangs out in Old Town even though he’s too old to be hanging out in Old Town. A wedding ring tells you someone is married, a quarter zip sweater tells you a man went to a Big 10 school and brags about their business school, even though it’s never mattered to anyone who matters. 

Erich, 29, Real Estate Analyst

This is Erich. He spells his name Erich. No face has ever looked more like a guy who says, “It’s with an H at the end” than Erich. I look forward to watching Erich use the word “vibes” to describe a mall food court this season.

Ethan, 27, Advertising Executive

Ethan is a 27-year-old advertising executive from NYC who says he’s the king of Monopoly, which is really just a way to say that you’re boring. Can you imagine anything worse than hanging with someone who is the self-proclaimed king of Monopoly?! I can be poor and kick myself for not being able to afford a home during daytime hours. I don’t need to do that at a party. Any time I’ve played Monopoly it’s been for five minutes, realized that women and alcohol exist and been forced to play five more minutes by the person with the least personality at the party. 

Hayden, 29, Leisure Executive

Hayden looks like a 15-year-old boy who ran away from home and encountered a bridge troll who then granted his wish to be turned into an adult. Hayden is a “leisure executive” which means he works at a Mattress Firm. There may be nothing less sexual than a man in a lab coat who introduces himself as a “sleep doctor” right before telling you to lay on a bed in a fun way, like, “Take her for a spin.” I wish Hayden the best. I hope his adventures lead him back to his 15-year-old body while learning about the importance of family.

Jacob, 27, Mortgage Broker

Jacob is a 27-year-old mortgage broker from Scottsdale with “Do You Know Who My Father Is?!” face. He claims to read 30-40 books a year and doesn’t eat cake. I have to respect that Jacob has fully committed to the slicked-back-ponytail, bratty-heir-to-a-throne, I-go-by-my-full-name, lifestyle. I imagine being at a party and he’s like, “So, reading anything good lately?!” And I look up from the cake I’m eating to be like, “Umm I sometimes read half a tweet and then regurgitate that information in other conversations as if I read the full article.” Then a little bit of the cake flies from my mouth onto Jacob’s suede dinner jacket and he brushes it off while mumbling, “heathen.”

James, 25, Meatball Enthusiast

James is a 25-year-old “meatball enthusiast” from Illinois who looks like he can’t wait to tell you his high school football stats. James is very obviously coming on the show as a caricature of an Italian. I’m so tired of this type of person. Doesn’t he know there’s about a hundred of him on TikTok? He’s going to talk about Sunday sauce and pronounce meat names in a way that makes no sense and at some point he’s going to tell us that “FAMILY IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!” as if all of us non-Italians never hug our own moms. My wet dream is for James to find out his mom’s sauce is actually just Prego. 

Jason, 30, Investment Banker

Jason is a 30-year-old investment banker from Santa Monica who looks like the friend on the bachelor party who’s really interested in catching up and doesn’t stay out too late. I think Jason is the perfect candidate for The Bachelorette. Old enough to be ready. A job with health insurance located close to Hollywood. Hypothetically, he could get married, keep his life, and do red carpets with either of the women and then pitch in for the down payment it takes to buy the Hailey Bieber smoothie. Admit it, you got a little tingle downstairs reading that sentence. You’re about to change your Bumble profile to “Smoothie Kings Only!!”

Joey, 24, Twin

Joey looks like he just got ready for the dance at his summer camp and his style inspo was Pete Davidson. He’s 24 and one of a set of twins who are on the show. He lives in Connecticut and says he “loves to hit the clubs in New York City for a night out with the boys.” Let me tell you one thing, nobody who takes a train into a city to go to a club where they can’t afford a table is ready to get married. If they have the energy to stand while screaming “Let’s go!!” over house music with close to zero chance of hooking up, then they have too much energy to stay in and watch Bridgerton with their fiancée. 

John, 26, English Teacher

John is a 26-year-old English teacher from Nashville who looks like he once hosted Blue’s Clues. John isn’t winning. His profile talks about being shy and how his positivity “radiates from within.” The only way John’s winning is if The Bachelorette somehow becomes a competition to find a new best friend who helps you choose an outfit for a first date with another guy.

Johnny, 25, Realtor

Johnny is a 25-year-old realtor from Palm Beach Gardens who looks like he’s pulled out a guitar at many social functions. His bio says he “can’t be with anyone who is hung up on past relationships.” I love when the contestant bios call out the last person they dated. Like, Johnny’s ex is reading this while in bed with the guy she told him not to worry about being like, “Welp, got me.” If someone had dated me and then went on the show, their profile would be like, “NO MEN WHO SOMETIMES FORGET TO FLUSH THE TOILET. EVEN WITH A NUMBER 2!” And I’d be reading it like, “Wow. I hope nobody makes the connection.”

Jordan H, 25, Software Developer

Jordan H is a 25-year-old software developer from Tampa. Jordan’s head and neck are too thick for his shoulders. It looks like this picture was drawn in the park by a caricature artist. He was like, “Draw me as a Dollar store John Cena!” And the artist was like, “GOT YOU BRO.”

Jordan V, 27, Drag Racer

Jordan V is a 27-year-old drag racer from Alpharetta, Georgia. I read his job and I was like, “Wow. A professional drag queen! Good for you, ABC!” I became giddy imagining that limo entrance. A Ru Paul cameo! I got excited to see Jordan sashay all over these guys in 10-inch heels while I was at home snapping and screaming “YASSS.” Then I came to my senses. Jordan’s a race car driver! This is still The Bachelor franchise! People come on here due to a weird church pastor who told them sharing a significant other with 30 other people is “God’s way.” Well, maybe a fabulous queen will strut out of the limos one season!! Until then, we get Jordan who loves “relaxing on the lake.” Ugh. 

Justin B, 32, Physical Therapist

Justin B is a 32-year-old physical therapist who looks like his mom paid for his honeymoon at the White Lotus hotel. His profile says he’s a “lover, not a fighter” and that he “loves the smell of jasmine.” How does that even come up?! Not one other person said their favorite smell, so Justin had to be like, “Oh and you know what?! I love jasmine!” If I were the interviewer I’d assume he had a weird fetish for the Disney princess. I also don’t want my physical therapist randomly bringing up favorite smells. I’m recovering from a surgery and this guy’s like, “Have you smelled this candle?! It’s rhubarb.” I’d be like, “No, your latex doctor gloves smell fine enough. Can you just keep doing the ultrasound in silence?” And he’d be like, “Whoa whoa whoa, I’m a lover not a fighter!” And I’d find a new physical therapist immediately. 

Justin Y., 24, Other Twin

Justin Y is the other half of the twins coming onto the show this season. His bio reads, “Justin Y is the life of the party! He is a hardworking go-getter who enjoys clubbing in New York City’s hottest spots with his favorite wingman, his identical twin brother, Joey.” 

Have you ever wanted to hang with someone less?! I read that passage with the voice of the announcer from a failed MTV dating show. Justin is 24 and this is who a 24-year-old thinks people want to date. It’s not even true. The hottest clubs wouldn’t let Justin enter. The bouncers aren’t looking at a large group and being like, “We’d let you in, but you don’t have a 24-year-old twin who lives with his parents in Connecticut in your party!” If this read, “Justin Y creeps into every party quietly to make sure he wants to stay. He has health insurance and he enjoys a bar that’s busy but still has a place for him to sit. His favorite wingman is his phone which he looks up from every now and again,” then he’d have a line of women waiting for him. 

Kirk, 29, College Football Coach

Kirk is a 29-year-old football coach from Lubbock, Texas who looks like the guy every woman in a Hallmark movie meets when she moves home from the big city. It’s always funny that those guys never have one glaring red flag. We’re just supposed to believe that this perfect man decided to stick around Garbageville and be a handyman. In real life, “Kirk” stayed in Lubbock to coach the high school football team because he got a DUI and to fix his problem, he only drinks clear alcohol now. And you have to decide if you can date him and deal with his worrisome opinions on crime. 

Logan, 26, Videographer

Logan is a 26-year-old videographer from San Diego who looks like a toddler who tried to fit into one of his dad’s old coats. He says that his lifelong crush is Elaine from Seinfeld, and that’s the correct opinion. Elaine was successful, active, fun, opinionated, sexually communicative with her partners, and was able to have a healthy relationship with an ex. Elaine might have been the perfect woman. Everyone should be asked about their sitcom crush. If it’s Elaine then they’re probably a good guy. If it’s Pam from The Office then there’s something wrong with them. Pam once went to a job fair at her old high school at the age of 26 and thought one of her drawings might still be on the wall in her old art class. Pam is the anti-Elaine. 

Mario, 31, Personal Trainer

Mario is a 31-year-old personal trainer from Naperville, Illinois who looks like he’s about to high-five you before a group fitness class with a very pedestrian playlist. Mario’s bio says he just wants to make his mom proud. The “I love my mom” guy is on every season of The Bachelorette. He’s neck and neck with the “I love my niece and nephews” guy for the easiest opinion to have on a reality show award. It’s such a weird thing to say because there’s no opposite guy. There’s nobody who’s like, “I came on the show to embarrass my mom” and then screams at a female producer, “Hey tootz! Shake that ass and grab me a Fresca!”

Matt, 25, Shipping Executive

Matt is a 25-year-old shipping executive which might mean he works at a FedEx/Kinko’s. He seems like a good guy. Like, a much better guy than me. His bio says that he “dreams of buying his mom a home wherever she wants.” I would hate to do my interview right before Matt. They’d be like “What’s your dream?!” And I’d be like, “To eat and drink as much as I want without gaining weight!” And then they’d be like, “Matt, what’s your dream?!” And he’d be like “Buying my mom a home wherever she wants!” And then I’d butt in and be like, “Hey, can I change my dream? In addition to the calorie thing, I’d also like to buy MYSELF a home.”

Michael, 32, Pharmaceutical Salesman

Michael is a 32-year-old pharmaceutical salesman from Long Beach, California who looks like he could play Will Smith in a made-for-TV biopic called Life Slaps. Michael loves Harry Potter and wants to visit his “Wizarding World.” That’s surprisingly enough for some people. There’s a crew of singles who react to other Harry Potter fans as if they’re part of some small interesting group. It’s owned by Warner Brothers! Disney Adults get tons of crap while these “Potter Pans” prance around being just as unbearable. Harry Potter isn’t a small indie band. It’s a behemoth corporation that keeps creating sequels and prequels written by teams of mathematicians while new imaginative ideas get left by the wayside because they’re not a sure thing. Being a Harry Potter fan is like being a fan of Chase Bank during the housing crisis.

Nate, 33, Electrical Engineer

Nate is a 33-year-old electrical engineer who will be successful no matter what happens on this show. His bio says that his favorite movie is How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. If I’ve learned anything on this earth in my 37 years, it’s that women love that movie, they love Kate Hudson’s character, and mentioning that you enjoy that movie as a man is the cheat code for any conversation you ever have with a woman. I don’t care how badly it’s going, mention that movie and the woman starts visibly shaking and liquid comes out of all of her sensual orifices. Kate Hudson plays a female superhero in that movie. She acts crazy and never second-guesses herself once while not developing feelings for a gorgeous man who treats her amazingly. She’s basically the female version of Tony Stark. 

Quincey, 25, Life Coach

Quincy is a 25-year-old life coach whose “energy is unmatched.” Telling me someone is an energetic 25-year-old life coach is like telling me someone is covered in dog doo: I’m going to avoid them at all costs. Also, who hires a 25-year-old life coach?! Did they want to learn how to confidently invite a woman home even though they sleep on a mattress that’s on the floor?! At 25, I was just figuring out how to differentiate junk mail from an actual bill, and Quincy is directing some poor soul’s life. With that type of unawareness, he’s going to do well in this competition. 

Roby, 33, Magician

Roby is a 33-year-old magician from LA who looks like he would go up to a woman at a bar and say, “I knew you were a dime but this is ridiculous” and then pull a dime from her ear. Then he’d be like, “Hi, I’m Roby. One B. My mom said it’s because there’s one B in beautiful. Ya, she’s my roommate! But I get the whole basement and it has its own entrance so it’s basically my own space. She only comes in to clean out the hamper every morning. So how about a drink? Wait wait wait, how could I forget?!” Then he somehow pulls a rose from his own ear and gives it to her. I’m just saying he had a look. 

Ryan, 36, Investment Director

Ryan is a 36-year-old investment director from Boston who looks like he’s the mascot for divorced dads. Ryan’s profile says he wants a “Nicholas Sparks type of relationship”, and that’s a pretty weird relationship goal. So Ryan wants to sneak off to meet a woman under the North Carolina sweet gum trees because her father doesn’t approve of their relationship, defy all odds, get married and then she dies?! Really?! Does Ryan want to catch the fireflies with the love of his life on a hot summer night and then watch her develop dementia and die?! Nicholas Sparks relationships have a certain theme. Ryan, let’s keep it simple. You’re going to meet a woman on Match.com who hates men because she’s been ghosted a dozen times. You’re going to slowly earn her trust and connect over your love of binge-watching Netflix shows. Then she’s going to die and we’re all going to think you did it like a normal 36-year-old. 

Spencer, 27, Venture Capitalist

Spencer is a 27-year-old venture capitalist from Chicago who looks like he has a Barstool flag hung up in his bedroom, kitchen, back porch, foyer, and bathroom. Spencer says he is not your stereotypical “let’s grab a drink” kind of guy, which is usually said by a guy who’s trying to get you over to his place to watch five minutes of a movie. I look forward to watching Spencer hop up and down while fist pumping and screaming “Let’s gooo” while another guy in the house takes a longer than average sip of a hard seltzer. 

Termayne, 28, Crypto Guy

Describing yourself as a “Crypto Guy” is actually Termayne’s business plan. He could’ve said he worked in finance or banking or any number of other things that make a lot more sense. But Termayne went with “Crypto Guy” which means he has no real job. He went online, did his own research, placed some money on the crypto roulette wheel, and made money that he’s since lost. Now, he’s onto the next step of the “Crypto Guy” career, and that’s to go on a reality show as the “Crypto Guy,” gain a following, and convince the next generation of aspiring “Crypto Guys” to give him as much money as possible. (Plays Lion King music) 🎶 IT’S THE CIIIIRCCLE OF CRYPTO GUY!!! And it moves us all!! Through loans and life savings! Through faith and love!! 🎶 

Tino, 27, General Contractor

Tino’s bio says he “is very involved in giving back to his community and wants to find someone who will work to make the world a better place.” Imagine how insulting it would be to be Tino’s single female friend working with him at the soup kitchen. He’s complaining about how hard it is to find a woman who likes to give back. One day he’s like, “I’ve got an idea! I’ll go on The Bachelorette! A show with a long history of selfless individuals who put the community over their own personal gain! Goodbye Linda! You’ve been a wonderful friend!” Then he asks Linda to clean up for him because he has to leave early to make an audition tape.

Tyler, 25, Small Business Owner

Tyler is a 25-year-old small business owner from Wildwood, New Jersey who looks like he once starred in a Disney original series. It’s so funny to see “small business owner from Wildwood, New Jersey ” when you know the area a bit. Judging by the sleeve tattoo, his “small business” is a kiosk on the boardwalk that sells “Let’s Go Brandon” T-shirts. 

Zach, 25, Tech Executive

Zach is a 25-year-old tech executive from Anaheim Hills, California who looks like he would get angry if someone called him a short king. Zach says he “loves to plan thoughtful surprises” which is something I’ve learned women say they want but don’t really want. You’ll be like, “I’ve got a surprise, get dressed!” And they’ll be like, “What is it?!” And you’ll be like “You’ll see! Get dressed!” And they’ll be like “Do I need sneakers?!” And you’ll be like “Shoes are a good start!!” And they’ll be like “Sneakers or shoes?!” And you’re like, “SNEAKERS! Cmon!” And they’ll be like “WELL I NEED TO KNOW IF I NEED A JACKET!” And you’ll be like “It doesn’t matter. You’re going to love it!” And they’ll be like “CAN YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE WE ARE GOING?!? MY MOM JUST GOT DIAGNOSED WITH A COLD AND MY FEET ARE FAT AND YOU KNOW MY BEST FRIEND ISN’T HAVING A GOOD WEEK! IT’S JUST NOT A GOOD TIME FOR SURPRISES!” And you’ll be like “OK FINE! WE TRY THE NEW WING FLAVOR AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS!!” 

Images: ABC/Gizelle Hernandez

When I think of my favorite television shows, most of them consist of over-dramatic, super-produced reality television. However, in the last few years I’ve been yearning for a show that isn’t over-the-top dramatic, something that I can relate to as a young Black person trying to figure this life shit out. ABC’s Abbott Elementary is what I’ve been waiting for. The series stars Quinta Brunson as Janine Teagues, a passionate, fairly new second-grade teacher who wants the best for her students, and is trying to figure out how she wants to approach her teaching career. Most of us know Brunson from her hilarious skits and her work with Buzzfeed (the iconic “he got money” meme), so of course, I was excited to watch Abbott Elementary. The show is the perfect example of representation done right and how you can have representation for Black people on TV without the exploitation of Black trauma. 

I was drawn to Abbott Elementary because I love a good mockumentary. Shows like The Office, Parks and Rec, and Modern Family are my go-to comfort shows, however, I’ve never been able to really relate to any of them. Yes, there are Black characters on all three of those shows, but those characters are usually on the sidelines and aren’t given the proper screentime in order for us to get to know them. On top of that, the dialogue they were given was usually embedded in stereotypes, like Donna from Parks and Rec being the token “sassy Black woman”. Now, one could argue that representation in any capacity should be celebrated and that Black people are not monolithic; therefore, there isn’t any “correct” way to showcase Black people on TV. While there is truth to that, representation goes beyond just putting a Black person in a group of white people—doing that is just performative. It is also not just talent on screen that matters, but off-screen as well. When Black talent does not have anyone that looks like them behind the scenes, their characters and storylines aren’t given the love and attention that they deserve, and I notice one or two things that usually occur. One, either the Black character(s) are only surrounded by white people and are the butt of a lot of cringe race jokes (Stanley from The Office; Angela from Boy Meets World). Or two, the Black talent is forced to become the sounding board for white guilt and is presumed a “history teacher” to their white colleagues (Eboni K. Williams from The Real Housewives of New York City). That’s why watching Abbott Elementary is so refreshing. Not only do we have a predominantly Black cast, but there’s representation across the board, from the hair and makeup team to the production design. 

In addition to the representation in front of and behind the camera, Abbott Elementary also does a good job of showcasing Black people on television simply existing. When I say existing, that does not mean that I expect to watch a show with a predominantly Black cast and not address some of the adversities that we as Black people endure; it’s simply not possible. But, I like the fact the show doesn’t feel heavy while still making me feel seen as a Black person. Sometimes, when I see a predominantly Black cast on television or in movies, there’s always a factor of Black trauma that is showcased, which can be incredibly triggering. Obviously, the struggles that we as Black people face solely because of our existence should be talked about, but I don’t want to always have to relive those experiences constantly, especially when I’m chasing some form of escapism. What I appreciate about Abbott Elementary is that it humanizes the Black experience. Brunson’s character, Janine, faces confidence issues, relationship issues, and attempts to connect with some of her co-workers, which at times doesn’t work out. These are things that I have faced before, as have many of my peers. To be able to relate to Brunson’s character has made me realize the importance and impact that representation on television can have, all while still feeling safe in my viewing experience. 

Abbott Elementary has everything you could ask for in a sitcom: humor, bubbling romance, and a great chemistry between the cast. There aren’t any characters that feel unnecessary or make you feel uncomfortable, and everyone on the cast contributes to the show’s success. I love that I can relate to this show in a way that isn’t based on Black trauma, but rather, on my experience as a young Black person trying to figure my life out. My hope is that not only will the show continue to be successful, but that it creates an avenue for other Black creators to create original content.

Images: ABC/Gilles Mingasson

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! We are now on week four of Michelle’s journey toward love and the closest thing I’ve seen to a genuine romantic connection is the one I’m having with Michelle’s styling. (My god that woman is a vision). As we move into the middle of the season, connections should be getting deeper, rose ceremony eliminations more dramatic, and let’s not forget the rampant unrestrained emotions that can only be reproduced on a Bachelor(ette) set and in hostage situations. At least we should be seeing all those things on our television screens. Instead, Michelle’s season has felt… anticlimactic? Dare I even say, boring?

The thing about Michelle that I’m starting to realize is that her highest energy level functions like the starting effects of an Ambien. She’s just too damn calm and collected. And, look, I get it. Her day job is the equivalent of managing a crime scene every day. I mean, do you know what goes on in 5th grade classrooms?? She’s out here navigating fractions and teaching the Our Changing Bodies book to a bunch of kids who still pick their noses and hide the evidence on the bottom of their desks. Fractions and puberty, people! The amount of serotonin her brain must be firing off at all times has to be astounding. And yet, it might be these calm, cool, collected vibes that are unwittingly giving the men permission to count her as a Cool Girl, and thus, treat her feelings with about as much care and concern as the half-eaten bag of chips they discarded in the backseats of their cars.

The other thing I’m realizing is that her eliminating the villains so early on might be to her detriment. If there’s one thing men love, it’s an evil to defeat and a girl to save. Sure, it’s an outdated patriarchal fantasy, but so is the blueprint of this show. As I said, The Bachelor(ette) functions like a hostage situation—without house drama and emotional warfare, how else are they supposed to romantically bond with a stranger in six weeks? They need a bad guy so that they can rally around their girl and prove that their feelings for said girl are more intense, more genuine, than than the bad guy’s feeling for her. What? Did she think they’d just be mature enough to express their emotions without some sort of instigating catalyst? Lol, that’s cute. 

Saturdays Sleepovers Are For The Boys

And with that, I bring our attention to the group date where this cool girl energy and lack of a villain circumstance reach a crescendo. I’m not sure how this group date was ever supposed to rouse amorous feelings, as it was definitely  inspired by the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen sleepover party circa 1995. That’s right: the theme of the group date is slumber party, complete with jammies and teddy bears. What could go wrong? 

I’m sure when Michelle was pitched this idea for a group date she envisioned sexy pillow fights, maybe a truth or dare game that ended in makeouts or a coy removal of clothing. Instead, the guys are going with more of a “pull my finger” kind of a vibe. Case in point, this entire scene:

MICHELLE:

THE MEN: Does anyone want to play duck, duck, goose?

DOES ANYONE WANT TO PLAY DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE. You have a beautiful, smart, scantily-clad human woman in your presence and you want to play duck, duck, goose? The men really make it hard to root for them. Not just on this show, but as a human race generally.

And where is Michelle in all of this? Watching the men play slap and tickle from the corner and probably wishing she had never had that fifth glass of wine at happy hour before applying for this show in the first place. 

Just when Michelle is ready to confront the men, ABC brings out the Bella Twins to host that pillow fight. Not now, Bella Twins! Can’t you read a room? The Bella Twins tell us that the men will be divided into teams and each team member will go head to head with an opposing team member in a pillow fight. The winning team gets alone time with Michelle. Wow, ABC literally always chooses violence, don’t they? Oh, did you think this was a slumber party? Sorry, you’re actually here to beat the shit out of someone with a giant Mr. Wiggles.

It should be noted that this combination of protective instincts and expression of strong feelings through outward bodily harm, is exactly the catalyst needed for the men to start giving a shit about their Bachelorette. I knew they’d figure it out eventually. But Michelle, it seems, is still not impressed. Instead of coming off like they need to win her affections, their actions seem more aligned with just winning in general. Shocking. 

Michelle is the first bachelorette to realize that men wrestling doesn’t help her find a husband… #TheBachelorette

— C. Money (@Lil_Vil) November 10, 2021

Look, are the men acting like immature idiots? Absolutely. But she did invite them to a sleepover and get them all hopped up on soda and junk food. Of course they regressed to 8th grade. She’s lucky she didn’t accidentally fall asleep in their presence. She might have woken up with her hand in a glass of water and pee all over that Skims set. Count your blessings where you can, Michelle!

More Clown Energy: Martin’s One-On-One

Michelle’s one-on-one with Martin goes just about as smoothly as the group date. The theme of the date is some sort of off-brand Fast & Furious tribute, because apparently ABC’s idea of mature, stable relationships involves hot cars and traffic violations. At first Michelle seems equally into the date. She tells us she wants a partner that will help her “live life on the edge” and she says this as if she doesn’t think a dangerous double life entails purposefully skipping lesson planning to fall asleep drinking Chardonnay in front of the TV. I can read you like a book, honey.

I have to admit, I don’t understand the sexual appeal of Martin. This feeling is only strengthened when he shows up to the date looking less like a romantic prospect and more like an extra from Buckwild. 

Boy, does he make it hard to root for him. 

I wish I could say the first strike on this date is to Martin’s distressed flannel, but sadly that comes later when the two settle in for a little post-racing hot tub soak. I’m using the term “hot tub” here very loosely because the thing they fold their bodies into is less of a hot tub and more of a large garbage can filled with water. Like, did they displace Oscar the Grouch for this date? How is this romantic??

Then Martin starts running his mouth about what a “hell of a man” Jamie was. Strike two. Apparently, Jamie and Martin were good friends in the house. At least that appears to be his justification for using his limited alone time with Michelle to question her decision to send Jamie home last week. 

Martin talking about Jamie…. #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/3j4v0H2phk

— Feelin’ Thorny 🌹🥀 (@feelin_thorny) November 10, 2021

What’s worse is that Michelle has no place to go during this attack. He’s got her pinned to the other side of that garbage pail, swigging her champagne for some small outlet of release. Read the room, Martin! No one wants to hear about your bromance with a psychopath. 

Later, when Michelle confronts Martin about their tiff, he blames his aggression and shitty communication skills on his parents. Woooooow. How original. Look, if he’s going to blame his parents for his communication skills, he should throw some other things into that pile as well. His hair. His accessories. His fashion sense in general…

ME TO MARTIN AT ALL TIMES:

Michelle accepts this explanation for his behavior, but it’s not the head-over-heels devotion I’m sure her producer sold her on when she signed The Bachelorette contract. If anything, listening to a man complain about how his parents just really effed him up and honestly the trauma of surviving a traditional nuclear family is really why he can’t ever be fully in control of his emotions (you get that don’t you?), is cementing for her that the caliber of “eligible bachelors” this season really wasn’t any different than the state of her DMs in Minnesota. 

Precious Angels Of The Week: Olu & Rick

Though the men spent the majority of the episode proving my working theory that men aren’t shit (trademark pending), two of the guys managed to actually impress me. Olu was perhaps the only bright spot on the group date. When, during the cocktail portion of the evening, Michelle broke down in tears about these jackasses ignoring her, her speech took Olu out. I mean, his performance on that group date was giving human tear duct Ashely I a run for her money. 

Olu connected Michelle’s feelings to his four sisters back home and, okay, he did say sister far too much during that cocktail hour. He sibling-zoned the shit out of her and it’s grossing me out. 

MICHELLE: It means a lot to me that you would compare me to your sisters like that
ME: 

Look, sibling love isn’t my thing, but Michelle seems into it and Olu does seem heartfelt in his apology. He ends up getting the group date rose and a coveted spot in my Precious Angels of the Week. 

Rick also proved to not be complete trash this week (a tough feat, let me tell you). He scored the second one-on-one date, which immediately followed the abysmal group date. The two of them go hiking and share family trauma because what is a hike without blood, sweat, and tears? 

Michelle said she was extra excited for the date because Rick has always “seen” her. I think it helped that the two of them were literally the last people in that forest, so it was either pay attention to Michelle or make conversation with the redwoods. I like to stack the odds this way as well.

And the odds do pay off for her. By the end of their date, she finally feels like she’s being seen and makes a strong connection with the back of Rick’s throat. Ah, to be young and in love again. 

The Final Drama

As I mentioned earlier, Michelle has done a pretty good job of getting rid of all the villains before they have a chance to sow too much discord in the house. As I’ve also mentioned, this could be to her detriment. But never fear! Chris S is ready and willing to take up that role. God bless him.

Now, every Bachelorette villain has a brand: Luke P was the Jesus freak, Chad was the human embodiment of an FDA warning label for steroid abuse, Jamie was the master manipulator, and it looks like Chris S has decided to lean hard into the brand of the little incel who could. 

His strategy is much like Jamie’s in that he wants to create chaos amongst the men, but his reason for doing so is because he’s butt-hurt that Michelle isn’t giving him enough attention. His off-screen interviews reek of entitlement, as if he deserves her full attention for merely existing in her presence. He hears about the drama that went down at the group date’s private after party and makes the bold proclamation that he needs to get out his “white horse” and save Michelle. Dear god, I hope he’s not talking about his penis. Giddy up. 

I will say that Chris S’ ability to compartmentalize is absolutely astounding. He convinces himself that even though he was a participant during the part of the group date where her feelings were hurt, he wasn’t actually a part of the hurting of her feelings.

CHRIS S DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY: I don’t think these guys actually understand the way she feels and how upset she was.
CHRIS S DURING THE GROUP DATE: 

In an effort to make everyone understand how Michelle feels, he decides to give a toast at Michelle’s rose ceremony to speak about Michelle’s feelings while standing directly in front of Michelle. You cannot make this shit up. 

He’s like, “these guys think they have this in the bag” and then proceeds to single Nayte out specifically. STAND DOWN, LITTLE MAN. I know he’s not talking about my boyfriend Nayte like that and thinking I won’t throw metaphorical fists in this recap over it. 

 

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Here’s how I know Nayte is a good guy: when he confronts Chris about spreading lies the worst thing he calls Chris is a “dweeb.” A DWEEB! These are iCarly level insults and it’s so cute. 

In the end, Michelle doesn’t take much stock in the “they have this in the bag” accusation because she gives Nayte a rose. But she also doesn’t consider how malicious Chris S’ intentions are because she gives him a rose as well. Or maybe she doesn’t care about his intentions. Maybe she realized these men need a little bad guy to rally against if she’s ever going to elicit any feeling out of these idiots. Whatever the case, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how part two of the Nayte/Chris S showdown plays out. Until then!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); ABC (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1); @lil_vil /Twitter (1); @feelin_thorny /Twitter (1)

Do you want to know what is the most cursed thing about Bachelor in Paradise? No, it’s not the lack of air conditioning, or even the fact that it’s ultimately just a show that asks us to watch people make out on daybeds for four hours each week. It’s that even when the season ends, we, as viewers, will never know peace. There is absolutely no closure. These cast members will continue to haunt us for the rest of our lives. 

For a little context behind the brief existential journey you just followed me through: Pieper James would like us all to know that she and Brendan Morais are back together again. Although their hellish season is over, we’re still being forced to follow this whiplash-inducing journey. Yes, the season 7 power-villain couple who low-key admitted to dating before going on BiP (which, as a reminder, is still technically a show for single people to find relationships on, not for couples to use for fame) have somehow found a way to make it work. Maybe true love does exist. The duo briefly broke up last month, but on a recent episode of former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin’s Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, Pieper revealed that she and Brendan are giving it the old college try. 

While it would probably be a stretch for me to say that I’m happy for Brendan and Pieper, I have to admit that their reconciliation does make a lot of sense. Two people who are looking for a relationship founded on Instagram analytics are probably made for each other anyway and not going to find a better fit swiping through Hinge. Sure, Raya would likely be a more effective platform for them to each find another fame-hungry partner to suit their needs, but I am unsure that they’d be approved for the app after the severe loss of followers they both suffered after America turned on them in support of Natasha Parker, the innocent woman Brendan briefly pursued to buy time until the producers let Pieper on the show. 

During the podcast episode in which Pieper *checks notes* publicly shared the news of her relationship status, she noted that she and Brendan have some work to do before taking their relationship—which played out on one of the most popular reality television shows in the country—public. Before you go back and reread that sentence to see if it makes any more sense the second or third time around, I’m just going to save you a moment and let you know that no, it does not. Here’s a direct quote from Pieper that does not offer a shred of clarity: 

“The reason that we didn’t choose to go public like everybody else on the show was just because… our experience was a little bit different. We tainted our own experience in that way,” she explained. “So, we’re kind of working on ourselves, and each other and we’re focusing on being a couple before taking that public.” 

On the podcast, Pieper also noted that “it was a rumor that we broke up” and that the backlash they received from Bachelor Nation made them stronger. To which I reply: 

I’m unsure what Brendan and Pieper would consider to be a more public recognition of their relationship than literally saying the words “we’re together” on a podcast that is available to stream on multiple apps, but the mess-seeker in me does, unfortunately, look forward to the day that we all find out. Will they unveil couple’s tattoos? Will they sneak away to a foreign country for a secret wedding, hoping to sell the exclusive to PEOPLE? Perhaps they’ll formally announce the news in partnership with a couple’s therapy app! Whatever these two have up their sleeves, I’m assuming it will be big. (On a midtier influencer level, anyway.) At the time of publication of this article, Brendan hasn’t made a single peep on Instagram since his September 16 “Paradise Apology” video. I do predict he will take the popstar route and archive all of his past posts before they “go public.” We might even get a teaser video, if we’re truly lucky. 

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin ; Giphy

Perhaps, instead of writing a full recap about what went down on the fourth episode of this season of Bachelor in Paradise, I could save us both a lot of time and show you a few images of burning heaps of garbage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s actually an option, so I guess I’ll just have to unpack every disturbing detail of the first two of four hours of absolute chaos that ABC has chosen to impose upon us this week. It begins with a naked dude named Kenny shimmying in the opening credits, and to be honest, it’s really all downhill from there. 

Clearly, a year of doing little but scrolling through memes has done a lot for the contestants of BiP, who now cannot complete a full sentence without the phrases “woke up and chose chaos,” or “dumpster fire.” I can’t really blame them, though. The English language has little else to describe how messy this season has become. After the culmination of what has been described as the “perfect date,” Maurissa and Riley wake up in the Boom Boom Room. Obviously, Riley worked some magic up in there, because Maurissa leaves saying, “Connor is such a sweetheart. He’s amazing. But Riley? He is a dream man in my eyes. He’s an amazing kisser. And literally everything a woman needs. It completely blew me away.” I’m sure if this doesn’t work out, Riley will have no trouble finding someone in his DMs.

The morning kicked off as most mornings following a date in Paradise do: with sheer panic. The girls have the roses this week, but those who aren’t sure who to give them to are starting to look around at any other canoodling couple and consider it a personal attack. If this feels dramatic to you, just think back to precedented times and remember how horrified you felt any time you saw a couple kissing on the subway. Perhaps the girls can petition for a mask mandate to clamp down on the rampant PDA in Paradise. 

DEMI: Everyone is fricking married around here. 

(Which is, coincidentally, the exact same thing I say every time I open up Instagram on a Sunday morning.) 

The Ladies Get Some Fresh Meat

Two new dudes have entered Paradise, and it’s almost as though the producers are trying to get us to mix them up on purpose. They’re two pretty average guys with similar sounding names who you probably wouldn’t remember if the season they previously appeared on wasn’t literally written across the screen every time they spoke. Meet: Chris Conran and Chasen. And no, that’s not the name of the hedge fund responsible for Fyre Fest. 

CHRIS CONRAN: I was on Clare’s season. Just barely. Just a little dab. Just a touch of salt. 

And you know what? He’s right. I do not know this man. In the iconic words of Keke Palmer: “Sorry to this man.” 

What Chris lacks in relevancy, he makes up for in confidence and the “Can I steal you for a sec?” persistence. He has set his sights on Jessenia and has a plan to “scoop” her up. He also has a backup plan, and that includes running off into the sunset with Chasen. 

Chasen and Chris get a double date card (barf), which means they have to dabble in a bit of forced, sweaty flirting before they can decide who they’ll take with them. Chasen makes a beeline for Deandra, which obviously upsets Karl. Their chemistry is undeniable.

CHASEN: So, tell me about yourself. What brought you to Paradise?
DEANDRA: I like Paradise because everybody comes here with a common goal. 

Yeah… to get laid and gain Instagram followers?

Next, Chasen pulls Mari aside for a chat, and Kenny starts to sweat as much as a man who refuses to wear clothing physically can. Mari and Chasen’s conversation is honestly pretty snoozy, and consists primarily of Mari throwing out a lot of words that end in “ing” in an attempt to define her non-relationship with Kenny, such as “vibing,” “talking,” and “conscious not officially, but also not unofficially, coupling.” 

Chasen and Chris head off on their double date, which is Kama Sutra themed. Chris brings Jessenia, and Chasen brings Deandra. Deandra explains that although she normally hates to be touched, getting essentially felt up by Chasen made her “very relaxed” and “more than pleasantly surprised.” Well, okay then! Jessenia also seems to be quite taken by her date… for some inexplicable reason.

CHRIS: Every chance I get tonight, I’m going to steal you away.
JESSENIA

What does this man have to offer that is not coming through on screen? Genuinely would love to know, because personally, I would not respond to a thinly veiled kidnapping threat with the same energy I’d use to reply to a passive-aggressive text from a roommate asking me to do the dishes.

Back at the beach, Demi is laying down the groundwork for a Plan B if Chris and Jessenia’s date goes well. While she swirls a mimosa around in one hand, she tells Ivan that he should start talking to some of the other women as a backup. Honestly… that’s a great game strategy. It’s a shame that Demi naturally has such villainous delivery, because it sounded pretty evil. 

In Which Mari Gets a Lesson in Casual Dating 

Clearly, Mari’s conversation with Chasen sparked a little fire in her, because it immediately prompts another conversation with Kenny in which she basically tells him that she would like to have her cake and eat it too. 

MARI: I want to see other people.
ALSO MARI: I think things with Kenny might be a little awkward. 

Mari’s suggestion to “open” things up definitely upsets Kenny, who reflects, “This is the first time I’m sensing that she’s not feeling as strong as I was. Why not say it’s completely done, then? If you want to be totally open, let’s be totally open.” And you know what? I’m kind of obsessed with Kenny’s logic that an open relationship is synonymous with a breakup. It seems like the kind of miscommunication that’s going to give us episodes worth of drama. 

After telling Kenny she’s trying to play the field, Mari has a discussion with Demi, which is where things really go left. Demi provides some more sound advice that comes across as evil because she’s, well, Demi. She tells Mari, “we should all be dating each other,” and then in a confessional moment seconds later, exclaims, “Sorry, I’m goin’ for your mans!” 

Once Mari catches wind of Demi and Kenny’s shenanigans (read: once Mari looks over at them, because all of the events of this show play out in like, an area the size of a tennis court), she’s furious. She seems to genuinely have believed that telling Kenny that she’s interested in seeing other people would make him think she’s playing hard to get, and is now truly shocked that it backfired, and I don’t know what else to say about that. It’s kind of like watching the milk crate challenge. Like, yes, of course I want it to work. I really want to see someone pull it off successfully. But at the end, everyone ends up with the sharp corner of a milk crate up their butt. And that’s just science. 

Male Rompers Are Back

Connor B., knowing that Maurissa had just been on a date the night before, decides it’s time to step it up if he’s going to get that rose. He throws on a matching set (or perhaps a romper; I cannot confirm the intricacies of Connor B.’s drip) and makes his way over to invite Maurissa on a DIY date. I’d give anything to hear the behind-the-scenes conversation Connor B. had with a producer that was like, “Can I have a date card? No? How about some craft supplies? Cool, cool, cool.” 

Unfortunately, Connor does not know that Maurissa made a little trip to the Boom Boom Room before wasting the best outfit he packed. Ya hate to see it. This leads to a downward spiral in which Connor describes himself as “just the friendly guy who everybody likes,” and yup, I’m crying. 

Next, we get an appearance from guest host Lance Bass, who does a little wellness check on Natasha. Natasha says she’s definitely feeling where things are going with Brendan, but that the intimacy is lacking—as if this is year three of marriage and not episode four of a television show. Lance suggests Natasha make a move on Brendan. (Side note: Does Lance Bass’s southern accent feel… stronger than usual? Is he hanging out with Jax and Brittany again?)

Natasha proceeds to give Brendan a very sweaty massage. I’ll hold off on the commentary here, and just let you know exactly how it went down, because I truly don’t have words for this one.

NATASHA: *Massaging Brendan*
BRENDAN: I’m the sweatiest man in America.
NATASHA: We’re not in America.
BRENDAN AND NATASHA: *Kiss*

And Now For a Slew of Relationships That Must Be Defined

After making the very astute observation that “Everyone on the beach seems to be breaking up,” Serena P. uttered the words that will likely curse her relationship with Grocery Store Joe and said, “But Joe and I are going strong.” On BiP, “going strong” means headed to a romantic date in a dark auditorium with a dinner table set up in the middle of a wrestling ring to discuss why Joe seems so miserable. 

SERENA: I feel like in Paradise… You hate it here.
JOE: You’re warm. 

Joe continues to be the most relatable man on this beach. He explains that he kind of hates Paradise because if he’s “not going to meet someone,” he doesn’t really want to be sleeping in a bunk bed in a room with no air conditioning. Fair! They ultimately decide that they’re “100% all in” on finding that with each other. After defining the relationship, Joe says, “It’s time to have fun.” Um, do you guys know you’re on Bachelor in Paradise? There is an entire team of people whose full time job relies on you guys not “having fun” after defining the relationship. But please, proceed. 

Speaking of defining relationships, Karl decides to throw a Hail Mary pass and pulls Deandra aside for a talk. He gives Deandra a charm bracelet he bought in Miami. He’s trying to position this stunt as spur-of-the-moment, but he clearly bought all of the charms before he even had a “connection” with Deandra. Honestly, I’d tell you more about the bracelet and what each charm represents if it wasn’t obvious he just rolled into a Pandora store in an airport. At best, this thing is an Alex and Ani. 

Over at the beach, the rest of the cast members are enjoying a little bonfire. Which means it’s time for Demi to ruin the mood, of course. She shows up with a cake she made for Kenny because he spent his 40th in quarantine and makes everyone awkwardly sing happy birthday to him. Then, Demi hits us with a perfectly rehearsed line and says, “Let them eat cake!” before dragging Kenny to a secondary location (which, please never forget, is statistically the point at which you are more likely to be murdered). Demi has decorated a little party set up for Kenny, which includes a piñata full of condoms, to which I say: damn, production will really do anything for Demi. From bringing Kristian in for her last season, to setting up this weird belated birthday party, they’ll go to no end to make sure this girl has the tools to stir the pot. 

While Demi and Kenny are off celebrating, Mari grabs the cake and throws it in the fire… which honestly is the least interesting thing she could have done. 3/10. 

Mari pulls Demi aside for a little confrontation, which again leads us to another gem from Demi that would actually be sound logic if she didn’t deliver it like a Disney villain laying out their grand scheme to take over the world. 

MARI: Earlier today, I confided in you, and now you’re going for Kenny.
DEMI: Well, you said you guys were being open, so why can’t I date him?
MARI: He says he wants to fuck me.
DEMI: I… also want to fuck people?
MARI: So, you’re okay being a second option?
DEMI: No, we’re… all just… dating people here. 

Mari short-circuits at this reminder that you don’t have to get engaged to someone the second you decide you’re “vibing” with them, and basically just tells Demi that she threw the cake in the fire and storms off. 

Kenny actually is handling the situation quite maturely, which I guess I shouldn’t be giving him so much credit for because the man is literally 40. He tells Mari that everything with her has become “too toxic” and that he’d like to move on. 

The episode ends with a dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED” screen while all of the Paradise dwellers run around and set small fires. We also get a little tease of Demi and Kenny entering the Boom Boom Room, and a moment in which Demi says she is “fully prepared to just be massacred out here.” And that’s on self-awareness! 

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC (2); Giphy; Tenor

If you’re reading this, you’ve officially outlived David Spade’s stint as a temporary celebrity host on season 7 of Bachelor in Paradise. (Please don’t pat yourself on the back. This is a loss for all of us.) As all BiP viewing veterans should know, we have now entered the most lawless part of a season: the final push before the first Rose Ceremony where contestants without a confirmed rose start to lose their fucking minds. 

This particularly cursed episode opens with Demi—who arrived in Paradise at the end of last week’s premiere—choosing violence. Those who haven’t been following along with her life on social media since she got engaged to her then-girlfriend Kristian on Season 6 of BiP (and by “those,” I mean Brendan) are provided with a quick update. 

DAVID SPADE: So… you got engaged. What happened with that?
DEMI: Well, we got un-engaged. Hello? 

Proving that they are truly the male and female versions of each other, Demi and David Spade have a quick little moment in which they both thrive off the drama they know she’s about to bring to the beach. He hands her a first date card and says, “Looking forward to the chaos,” and Demi gets on her merry way to make the rest of the contestants sweat more than they already have been in this Mexican heat. She’s definitely getting the villain edit this season (which I guess is hardly an edit when it’s self-orchestrated), which sucks for Goddess Victoria, who clearly thought she was a shoe-in for that role. 

A Healthy Dose of Date Card Drama

Right off the bat, Demi invites Connor B. to “go for a chat,” and he immediately loses his ability to play it cool by essentially foaming at the mouth when he realizes she knows his first name. They bond over cats (because Connor B. famously arrived to Katie Thurston’s season in a full-on cat costume), which would have been a snoozefest of a scene had Demi not sprinkled her own little brand of chaos into the mix. She tells Connor B. that she has seven cats, then immediately admits that she only has three, but that she always tells people she has seven because it sounds more impressive. Truly a landmark moment for dog people everywhere. Shockingly, this conversation doesn’t seem to seal their fate as star-crossed lovers, so Demi ditches him for a chat and hand-holding session with Brendan. She then decides she’d like to go on a date with Brendan, which sends Natasha (who was previously feeling pretty secure in her ability to snatch up Brendan’s rose this week) into a downward spiral. 

NATASHA: I’m feeling like I need a little alone time.
NATASHA: *THROUGH LOTS OF TEARS* I’m FINE. 

Brendan and Demi go through your typical BiP date of making out and jet skiing, so it seems to be going as well as a forced televised interaction could go, which of course means shit’s about to hit the fan. Demi admits to knowing that she wanted to get with Brendan since she saw photos of him, to which he’s like, “I didn’t know you existed until a few hours ago.” He then proceeds to tell her that although he’s having a great time, he’s weighing all other options, particularly the ones that do not include spending the rest of his life with Demi. 

Demi handles the rejection like any reasonable person with an IMDb page full of reality television credits would: absolutely horribly. She commits to becoming Hurricane Demi, but Brendan, being your standard millennial man living through the worst climate crisis in the history of mankind, is pretty unfazed by that, and figuratively carries out his plans to vacation in an area that’s under extreme flood watch. 

Back at the beach, everyone’s gossiping about the fact that Brendan is potentially in a relationship (you know, out in the real world) with Pieper from Matt’s season. We then get a quick pulse check on Natasha, which reveals that she is, in fact, doing considerably worse than she was when we first discovered she was in a downward spiral. 

Serena C., Victoria L., and Kelsey the Champagne Girl proceed to mope around the beach because they know their shot at love (and higher #sponcon rates) is probably going to be over soon, since they have yet to secure roses. Victoria P. decides to go for James, even though she cannot remember his name. She admits that she’ll know she’s with the right person when she “gets the chills,” which unfortunately has yet to happen. To which I say: Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s*. 

*A beach resort in Mexico that is intentionally not air-conditioned to promote chaos between contestants. 

And Now, For A Genuine Moment Between Two People We’re Actually Rooting For

As I mentioned earlier, the second episode of a season of Paradise is the closest thing reality television has to purgatory, but this time, the producers give us a refreshing break. In what is potentially one of the most authentic conversations the Bachelor franchise has ever aired, Jessenia and Ivan use the second date card of the episode as an opportunity to actually get to know one another on a deeper level in a way that does not involve water sports, surface-level discussions, or dry humping in a cabana. During an intimate dinner, the pair have a conversation about their shared experience confronting racism in the Bachelor franchise. 

Ivan acknowledges that, although his decision to tackle tough conversations on TV certainly wasn’t easy, it must have been especially difficult for Jessenia because “people tend to be harder on women.” Are we experiencing an intersectional moment on Bachelor in Paradise?! I never thought we’d see the day. These two proceed to be excellent communicators together, and prove that they’ve got what it takes to be open and honest with their intentions with one another. Here’s to hoping the producers can (for the first time in history) put aside their obsession with messiness to allow an actually good thing to happen for once. 

Well, Well, Well. How The Turn Tables…

Demi retreats from her disastrous date with Brendan to tell the rest of the girls that although it was an extremely “sexual” experience, she is now out for blood. They decide this feels like a good time to fill Demi in on the Pieper rumors, and she absolutely loses her mind when she discovers that Brendan has “wasted her time” by making out with her on a date SHE invited HIM on… as if she did not just come off a season of this same exact show in which she was hanging out with Derek, only to reveal that she had been hitting it off with Kristian at home. Make it make sense! <sarcasm> I’m sure when the producers inevitably bring Pieper to Paradise, Demi will handle it just as honorably as Derek did when Kristian arrived at the beach and eventually got engaged to Demi. </sarcasm> 

Brendan doesn’t have much to say about the Pieper drama, but he does tell Natasha that he has the “strongest connection” with her. IDK, something about a man who just admitted to wanting to keep his options open in conversation with a woman he was making out with telling me that I’m his favorite of the three ladies he’s been tied to lately feels… not great? It also seems as though the producers are trying to recreate the Blake and Caelynn drama from last season, but unfortunately, “the Brendan and Pieper” drama just doesn’t have the same ring to it as Stagecoach-gate did. 

Elsewhere, Victoria P. is trying to learn more about James by asking him questions like “what is your first name?” and “when you get up in the morning, do you pee outside? Or do you pee inside?” While she’s conducting this class-A interrogation, Tammy is doing what she does best: getting involved in everyone else’s drama instead of creating her own storyline. As if this hasn’t already ended horribly for her personally before, I urge this woman to watch just like, ONE episode of any reality show ever. Serving as a plot device in someone else’s story is never the way to finding love and/or becoming a household name. She decides to stir up some drama by revealing that Victoria P. has a boy back in Nashville and is just trying to secure a rose for fame. (For those who are new to Bachelor Nation, the scientific term for this is, “here for the wrong reasons.”) 

All of us upon learning that someone would go on a reality show for fame:

Vaguely Notable Moments From The First Cocktail Party

Next, Bartender Wells sets us up for the first cocktail party of the season, which is really just an elaborate way for producers to remind us that although the majority of this two-hour episode has been spent harping on drama between like, four people, there are a bunch of other contestants you may have forgotten about. Some key takeaways here include: Noah has a lot of necklaces on and is in a “good place” with Abigail, Ivan and Jessenia are being adorable, Tahzjuan is still sweating, and Kenny finally put some pants on. 

Serena C. then gives us one of the cringiest moments thus far by freestyling for Aaron while he beatboxes in an attempt to be “more creative” in her pursuit of love. While I would have loved to provide you with the full lyrics of her freestyle, I unfortunately had no choice but to spike my laptop across the room and duck and cover when she opened with the line, “I’m going to do my best to keep this classy, I just want you to know I’m a little bit sassy.” I can, however, report that at one point she rhymed something with the phrase “sit on your face.” 

Tammy takes a quick break from trying to ruin everyone else’s time to get her rose situation back in order. Shortly after Serena C. and Aaron finish their awkward interaction, Tammy literally mounts him, and Aaron tells America that he has a boner. Lovely. When Tammy is finished with that, she returns to her campaign of telling everyone that Victoria P. has a boyfriend at home and is a “rose chaser.” Kelsey the Champagne Girl gets in on the mess, too, probably because the Champagne Girl schtick is starting to get old. Tammy goes straight to James to deliver the news, and honestly, if everyone didn’t look so sweaty, I would jump into the TV and give him a hug.

TAMMY: You don’t mean anything to Victoria.
JAMES: 🥺

James confronts Victoria P. about the rumors, and she maintains that although she dated someone from February until May, they broke up before she came to Paradise, and he “encouraged to get into this with an open heart.” This sounds a lot like when Jed from Hannah Brown’s season had a fame-thirsty girlfriend at home. I am truly just begging the Bachelor franchise to give us new drama. I’ve had enough of aspiring country singers and Nashville influencers trying to scheme ways to become relevant. Even though Victoria P. seems to have an alibi, James takes the opportunity to mention some of the other red flags he’s noticed. 

JAMES: You don’t know my first name.
VICTORIA P: This is a lot.
TAMMY, WHO HAS SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT TRYING TO GET SOMEONE WHO IS NOT EVEN GOING AFTER THE SAME MAN AS HER SENT HOME: You can’t fix a manipulative person. 

As we’re nearing the end of the episode and need some kind of filler drama before we can see how the Rose Ceremony shakes out, Tahzjuan decides to confront Victoria L., because simply looking at the goddess stresses her out. She tells Victoria L. that she thinks she’s “going back to her old ways,” and that she doesn’t appear to be genuine. Victoria L. delivers a brilliantly engineered, Real Housewives-inspired response and says, “I really feel bad that you’re trying to create something.” It doesn’t really go much further than that, TBH. 

After realizing fighting an uphill battle is kind of a lot of work, Victoria P. makes the decision to head home. In the limo, she says, “I realized I don’t have to search for what I already have at home,” which I guess confirms that… she does have a boyfriend? Cool, cool, cool. James makes an announcement to the group to let everyone know that Victoria P. has left.

DEMI: I’m going for James. F*ck it. 

Demi admits it was “silly” of her to get so worked up over how she was going to find a rose by the end of the night. Kelsey’s still pretty certain that she’s going to end up with James’ rose, but I’d like to remind her that never in the HISTORY of the Bachelor franchise has playing the “this girl is here for the wrong reasons!” card worked in anyone’s favor. Usually, it ends up proving that the alleged wrong-reasoner is being sketchy, but also that the finger-pointer is obsessed with drama and too irrelevant to have their own legitimate storyline. 

The First Rose Ceremony

As always, the Rose Ceremony kicks off with a pairing-up of all the couples who seem like they could actually make something work. Here’s how it goes down: 

Ivan chooses Jessenia, noting, “We have a great foundation going, and I’d love to continue nurturing that.” I smell Neil Lane Couture!

Noah chooses Abigail. Although she previously hinted that she loves to friend-zone, Abigail admits that she’s “surprised how quickly” she’s developing a relationship with Noah. 

Grocery Store Joe chooses Serena P. I’m thrilled these two have already seemingly mastered the art of sitting their asses on the beach and staying out of drama while everyone else burns their futures to the ground. 

Connor B. chooses Maurissa

Tre chooses Tahzjuan

Karl chooses Deandra

Brendan chooses Natasha while Demi nervously stares into the void

Aaron chooses Tammy

Kenny chooses Mari

With one rose left for James to give out, Kelsey has a borderline medical emergency, and naturally, Demi thinks she’s faking it in a last-ditch effort to get the rose. Personally, I feel like it’s probably a HIPAA violation for me to comment on that one. James gives Demi his rose, which I’m sure was probably a decision a producer bribed him to make by rewarding him with a few minutes of air conditioning access. 

KELSEY (WHILE LEAVING): I’m not going to try super hard to force a connection.
ALSO KELSEY: *Essentially established a shit-talking MLM pyramid scheme to get Victoria P. sent home.*

Perhaps the greatest loss we’ve collectively suffered this episode is the elimination of Victoria L. I think she still had a lot of great one-liners and GIF-worthy moments in her, and I hope we get to see her again, someday. Although, her exit was pretty epic when she literally let the door hit her on the way out.

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2)

Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 36-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love them so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker got their first dangly earring. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Matt James’ season is in my highlights) and then recapping the episodes the next day on The Betchelor podcast. And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor Post Game Show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.

Katie

Katie showed up to last season waving a vibrator, and I kept thinking she was going to make this her whole personality and start selling “Buzz Buzz Bitch” T-shirts on Instagram. And you know what? That didn’t really happen. She carried the vibrator around the first night and made some jokes, but they weren’t cringey or too awful and she kind of rolled with it. It’s funny, with a joke like that there are some people who will never let it go. They’re the least developed people in the universe. Katie could become a congresswoman and they’ll be like, “AREN’T YOU THAT DIDLO WOMAN?!!?” But that’s why I’ve always liked Katie. Unlike those people, she changed her opinion when presented with new information. Last season, the house got addicted to sh*t talking and drama. Katie was a part of that. She then recognized that it was all becoming too much before even a producer could see it, and then she reported the whole thing to Matt and got this show back to being the wholesome Christian programming that we all know and love. There are some that accuse Katie of seeing an opportunity in being this anti-bullying peer mediator, but I would argue that it would take a woke mastermind to see an audience that feeds on the blood of contestants all of a sudden getting tired of drama and making the peacemaker their queen. So, yes, I’m a Katie fan and I think she will be a fun captain for this ship and I’m willing to be pointed in the right direction by her seven-inch vibrator set to that weird, vroom vroom vrooooooooooom setting that so many of you love.

Aaron

Aaron is a 26-year-old insurance agent from San Diego, California who looks like his whole personality is “I learned about cryptocurrency yesterday.” Aaron has one tattoo: his family’s initials on his neck. Like how a prince would wear his family’s crest, except he probably doesn’t own land. How is that his only tattoo?! I feel like a neck tattoo should be number twelve. Like, it starts with the one on the foot and then you get the one under your wrist and then you seek out therapy and you say, “Hey, I’m going to get a neck tattoo” and the therapist is like, “You know this takes you out of the suit-wearing jobs and you’re like “I’m ok with that.” And then nine tattoos later you honor your family with a tattoo that frightens senior citizens. 

Andrew S

Andrew S is a 26-year-old football player from Vienna, Austria who spends half the year playing professional football in Vienna and the other half as a teacher’s assistant in Chicago. Let me translate that for you: Andrew S is a substitute teacher from Chicago who vacations in Vienna to play football with some friends. His bio says he “has a great sense of humor, and one of his favorite party tricks is imitating accents from around the globe.” Andrew is about to be canceled in the most viral video way. It’ll start with, “Here’s how they sound in Vienna” and everyone will laugh. Then he’ll be like, “Ever been to China!?” and a police officer will show up to escort him to a TV studio where Emmanuel Acho will be waiting to interview him.

Andrew M

Andrew M is a 31-year-old deputy district attorney from Newport Beach, California whose bio says he “loves his job.” I’m sorry. I don’t believe anyone who goes on The Bachelorette is all jazzed up about their job. I can’t live in this rom-com dream world where Andrew screams, “Objection!!” And the judge is like, “sustained counselor! Court is adjourned!!” And then Andrew high fives his assistant and they’re like, “Got another one! I don’t know how you do it!” And Andrew’s like, “I’ve got it all, Gretchen. Just need that perfect gal! If only there was a way to compete against 29 aspiring actors for the right one!”

Austin

Austin is a 25-year-old real estate investor from Mission Viejo, California whose bio says he flipped 20 houses in 2020. Now, I guess someone who flips houses could be considered a “real estate investor” but it feels like false advertising to me. Like, let’s say Austin wins. Katie is like, “When are you going to the office?!” And Austin is like, “I’m already there!” and shows her his Zillow search for houses under $200K. I don’t think that memory accompanies Katie and her famous vibrator the next time they’re in the tub.

Brandon

Brandon is a 26-year-old auto parts manager from Queens, New York who looks like he’s still trying to make his college band happen. Brandon’s hair doesn’t match his suit. With that hair he should only be allowed to wear tight, white, ribbed tank tops. It actually looks like his head was Photoshopped onto that neck. If Brandon doesn’t put his hand through his hair while looking at the ground and talking about a dead brother, then nobody has a dead brother.

Brendan

Brendan is a 26-year-old firefighter trainee from Toronto who looks like he makes TikToks about his hair transplant journey. Brendan should tell you everything you need to know about male confidence. He’s not even a full firefighter and he’s going on a competition for a woman. What does he think Katie’s going to say?! “Well, the lawyer seemed nice and I sure do like guys with a mortgage, but that firefighting intern really knows some great quotes from The Office.”

Christian

Christian is a 26-year-old real estate agent from Boston who’s still wearing the shoal sweater his ex bought him for her company’s holiday party. Here’s what I LOVE about Christian: His bio says that he’s sold over $25 million worth of residential real estate. I don’t know how you tell someone how much you make without telling them how much you make, so I can only imagine Christian is a total monster and I can’t wait for that. I’m imagining he’s talking to Katie and someone comes over and is like, “Can I steal her for a second?!” And Christian doesn’t even turn around while calmly saying, “Do you know how much my time is worth?” and the other guy is like, “Ha ha man, come on.” And Christian just explodes with, “I’ve sold over $25 million dollars worth of property and I WILL NOT BE CHALLENGED BY A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR!!”

Cody

Cody is a 27-year-old zipper sales manager from San Diego who looks like a boy who made a wish to be a grown man. His bio says he’s “a proud Eagle Scout.” That’s one of those things that someone says and you immediately make fun of it. Like, I’d blurt out, “Eagle Scout!? Ya, and I’m going to space camp this summer!” And then you realize they’re serious and you have to be like, “Oh that’s awesome!” And then they make you realize you’re garbage. They explain that the scouts get them outdoors and working with kids and how they “learn more from the kids than you could ever imagine.” And then they’re like, “What are your hobbies?!” And you’re like, “I eat and talk sh*t with my friends about the other friends who aren’t there.”

Connor B

Connor B is a 29-year-old math teacher from Nashville. Nobody has ever looked like the fun math teacher more than Connor B. That’s “Mr B.” and I can’t see it any other way. Get a Disney exec on the phone and book this guy to say, “Ok kids. Pop quiz! Mr B ain’t cheugy sheeeeshh.” It’s got to be weird being a teacher in Nashville. It’s just such a small party town. You could literally be teaching the Pythagorean Theorem an hour before a woman in a pink cowboy hat is grinding on you while puking a little bit in her mouth. What a magical place.

Conor C

Conor C is a 28-year-old former baseball player from Costa Mesa, California who looks like he told the barber, “I’ll take the husband who kills his wife and becomes an episode of Dateline!” Conor says finding someone who has the similar religious beliefs is “very important” to him because “raising his future family in the church is a huge priority.” It’s so wild to me that the same group that’s like, “being gay is a sin” is also the one to say, “The Bachelor franchise is a reasonable way to find your spouse.” If Conor wins, I want to be at the church when he shows up with Katie. I’ll be like, “Congratulations!!! God gave you the gift of love!! Now pull out her vibrator and feed me the sacrament off the head!!”

David

David is a 27-year-old technical product specialist from Nashville whose bio says, “Synchronicity in life is of the utmost importance.” I’ve googled the word synchronicity for you:

the simultaneous occurrence of events which appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.

I’ve read that definition 15 times and I still can’t understand what’s important to David. I don’t think David knows what he’s saying, but I think that he thinks that he’s fooled us into thinking he’s an intellectual. It’s like a fake verbal orgasm. I’d love to hear David fake an actual orgasm. He’d be like, “UH UH UH I HAVE COME TO FRUITION WITH THE GIFT OF EJACULATE!! THIS IS IN NO WAY SYNCHRONICITY!! THIS EJACULATE HAS AN ACTUAL CONNECTION TO YOUR VAGINA!!!”

Gabriel

Gabriel is a 35-year-old entrepreneur from Charlotte who looks like he’s going to help you pick out some clothes at Bloomingdale’s. Anytime someone comes on the show with the job of “entrepreneur” it means that their parents are rich or they started a food-related Instagram account within the last month. I’m going with rich parents here. Gabriel is using his full name, he’s 35, and his bio says he loves to play tennis and he “prides himself on having a lot of passions and interests.” Only a person who comes from money could be dressed as Franck from Father of The Bride and publicly say they have a lot of pride in their passions while most of the Earth is going through a pandemic. I’m excited to hear Gabriel complain about his rusty backhand because of “the crazy year we had.”

Garrett

Garrett is a 29-year-old software marketing manager from Salinas, California who may be the best looking male redhead to ever walk this planet. If I’m head of marketing for male redheads, then I’m hiring Garrett as our mascot. That’s a group that needs a rebrand. Who is their guy? Carrot Top? Someone from the Weasley family?! Chuckie Finster?! You may be attracted to one of those people, but the male redhead community has never really had sexy representation. I just googled “Hottest Redheaded Men” and Conan O’Brien was on the list! People. They need someone. Garrett needs to get to the finals so that the redheaded community can have its day and so my Google search history stops looking like I have some weird fetish!

Greg

Greg is a 27-year-old marketing sales representative from Edison, New Jersey who looks like the hot lead of a Disney Channel Original Movie who never fully went through puberty. Listen, Greg has a great head of hair and it seems like he took the center part critique from Gen Z a little too seriously. And he’s not alone. Millennials are the most self-conscious generation and within a month of hearing the center part and mom jeans are in, many of my friends look like they’re dressed as Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Halloween. Good luck, Greg. I hope you find your look!

Hunter

Hunter is a 34-year-old software strategist from Houston whose face screams “I have a pet bird.” And you know what?! His face screamed correctly, because Hunter has a pet parakeet named Zazu. Hunter’s bio says “as a child, he was known for writing incredible love letters and always being the guy to surprise his crushes with mix tapes or flowers.” Listen, a love letter and some flowers is a totally nice gesture, but can you imagine being “known” for love letters, mix tapes, and flowers?!! That’s the most bizarre reputation that I’ve ever heard. And he didn’t say it was for his girlfriends, it’s for his crushes. So you could be warned about him. Like, “Ya, that’s Hunter. Don’t make eye contact with him for too long unless you want to walk around school with a bouquet and a new CD where “Hey There Delilah” is all 14 tracks.”

Jeff

Jeff is a 31-year-old surgical skin salesman from Jersey City who looks like the worst possible outcome for when Belle turns the Beast into a man. I like Jeff and I want the best for him. His bio talks about a big Italian family and his mom doing his laundry (you know, normal Italian man in his 30s stuff). But the reason I’m cheering for him is that his job HAS to be tough on a dating app. You’re on an app where you’re constantly trying to forget all of the dangers of meeting a stranger on the internet and he’s like, “My passion is human skin!” And I’m sure he’s helping a lot of people, but it’s just not getting Jeff to some casual drinks, where a woman’s finger isn’t ready to send an emergency text under the table.

John

John is a 27-year-old bartender from Pacific Beach, California who looks like his catchphrase is, “I TOTALLY agree! We should DEFINITELY be friends!” John is described as a “thrill-seeker” who goes to EDM shows. I can’t imagine a less attractive description. If a friend was like, “I have a single friend who wants to take you to a David Guetta concert! Oh and they’re a bartender and they love skydiving!” I’d be like, “How about a friend who has a job with a retirement savings plan and enjoys sitting quietly on the couch in-between talking sh*t about people we see on Instagram?!”

Josh

Josh is a 25-year-old IT Consultant from Miami who looks like he saw a picture of Steve Jobs and thought, “THAT, but with a blazer!” Josh’s bio says that he’s a hopeless romantic. And he’s not alone. At least half of these bios have said the same thing. I think they all say it because they believe that’s what women want to hear. But, to me, “hopeless romantic” means you do dumb stuff for love. So, yes, going on a TV show to compete against 29 other men for one woman is dumb and it makes you a hopeless romantic. I’m more of a “Hopeless Eater” which means I do dumb stuff for food. Like I’ll go to a McDonald’s, wait until they make a new batch of fries, get two larges, eat one in the parking lot, eat one while I drive, throw away the garbage at the local high school, and get home and ask, “What’s for dinner!?” as if nothing happened.

Justin

Justin is a 26-year-old investment sales consultant from Baltimore who will do well on this show. His bio says everything right, but in an authentic way. It talks about looking for a partner and his family and how he’s into fitness but loves to BBQ with some Sauvignon Blanc. I’m sure even my description might make you slip off of your chair. Hell, when it said he was an “extremely talented painter” I screamed, “PAINT ME!!” as I played with my nipple while sitting at this Starbucks. Justin’s one thing is that he hates dancing, which doesn’t matter at all. But it’s definitely something your annoying friend who complains about being single would complain about. Like, “Well, he loves his family and he’s a painter and his body is a 10 and when he goes down on me, I cum so hard that a butterfly flies out of my mouth, but he doesn’t dance! Like what will we do at our wedding? Ugh life is hard!!!”

Karl

Karl is a 34-year-old motivational speaker from Miami who says that his favorite holiday is New Year’s Day because he loves the feeling of a fresh start. That would be enough information for me to send Karl home. In fact that would be my first question. I’d be like, “Hi Everyone! Please grab a pen and paper and write down the answer to the following question: if New Year’s Day lands on a Thursday then what day does the year officially start? Now, if you’re a psychopath who wrote Thursday, then there’s a car waiting for you outside. If you wrote, ‘I drink through the weekend and I avoid any type of renewal until that next Monday,’ then you’re invited to stay for the rest of the cocktail party.”

Kyle

Kyle is a 26-year-old technical recruiter from Fort Lauderdale who looks like he’s been on The Bachelorette the last 10 years in a row but we never remember his name. His bio says that Steve Irwin is his idol, which feels like he picked a celebrity name out of a bucket that was labeled “Personality Help.” He also says that he wants someone who can make him laugh like he’s some sort of king beckoning a jester. How about you bring a little personality, Kyle?! We get it. You said “Steve Irwin is my idol” once and it got a laugh at the office so now you’re peddling that around as your fun fact until you can find a woman who was brave enough to wave a vibrator on TV so that you can stop trying to nail an Australian accent. Kyle is looking for a crutch, not a girlfriend.

Landon

Landon is a 25-year-old basketball coach who looks like the edible just kicked in. Landon’s hair needs to be discussed. What’s the thought process here? Based on this picture, it looks like he takes the brush and starts at his forehead and just goes straight back. Then he apparently lets the sides do their own thing? It’s a strange way to go. Like, you’re either a brush guy or you’re not a brush guy, and he seems to be stuck between two worlds. He cares but he doesn’t care. It’s wild. He’s like a graduate of a Big Ten School, you care enough to get an education but you don’t care when nobody believes your claim that the business school “is actually really good.” Wild.

Marcus

Marcus is a 30-year-old real estate agent from Portland, Oregon who looks like your mom already loves him. Marcus was asked to describe himself as a lover, and he says he is “amazing.” This is actually the best answer to the question. Let’s say you believe that Marcus is an amazing lover, well you’d probably want to have sex with him. Now let’s say you don’t believe Marcus, well you’d probably want to have sex with him just to see what he thinks is amazing. Amazing or not amazing, Marcus is climaxing every damn time. Wow. This really beats my answer of, “Well, it depends on what I ate and the time of day and the type of condom and can I go down on the woman first?! And what really constitutes amazing? Would we cuddle? And can you rate me the second time we have sex because I tend to last longer when I’m more comfortable with the person.”

Marty

Marty is a 25-year-old dancer from Reno who says his self-declared tagline is “Marty brings the party.” His bio also says he loves to express himself through physical touch and says that he “loves to love on and be loved on.” As someone who has dealt with body issues his whole life, these are things that could only be said by an incredibly fit guy like Marty or the most overweight guy in a fraternity. Anyone in between those two bodies would sound ridiculous. Just imagine a 5’8’’ guy who works in finance saying, “I like to love on and be loved on.” You’re calling the cops. Now imagine that same guy saying, “Marty brings the party!” You’re leaving that party. Now imagine THIS Marty screaming, “Marty brings the party” as he high fives Jack Black who then turns to you and whispers, “Come with us to be loved on but you know we need a little love too!” You’re running behind them while giggling and ripping your shirt off to see what these two knuckleheads say next and you’re buying a ticket to whatever movie they star in.

Michael

Michael is a 36-year-old business owner from Akron, Ohio whose tired eyes and sweater should tell you he is a single dad with a 4-year-old son. That has to be the saddest goodbye on the planet. Imagine Michael explaining this trip to his 4-year-old son like, “Daddy is going away. He’s going to a big house with lots of men with big muscles and abs to find a new mommy. And daddy hopes that this new mommy can appreciate daddy’s personality and not ask about your real mommy and how she got the house. Okay I have to go! I’ll probably be home in a week but at the slight chance that this new mommy is turned on by one-bedroom apartments in Akron then it might be longer. Bye!!!”

Mike

Mike is a 31-year-old gym owner from San Diego who looks like he’s about to corner you at a party after he’s done a bunch of coke to tell you about his app idea. Mike’s bio says that he’s “always been a one-woman type of guy, but due to his successful run in the MLB, dating was never really a priority in his life.” I love the subtext of that sentence. Like, “Oh shucks, with all that baseball and money they pay you in the Majors, I could never even look at a woman!!” But let me translate how he says the same sentence to other men who aren’t Bachelorette producers. It goes, “Who would have a serious girlfriend when they’re making millions playing baseball?!?!” and it’s followed by so many high fives that he uses his non-throwing hand.

Quartney

Quartney (yes, with a Q) is a 26-year-old Nutrition Entrepreneur from Dallas who looks like he posts all day on social media about a MultiLevel Marketing company that convinced him to say he’s a “Nutrition Entrepreneur.” Quartney’s bio goes on to say nothing about his use of the letter Q or nutrition. It makes no sense. You’re creating some business about nutrition with no mention as to the type of nutrition you’re passionate about?! Even someone who is into Keto talks about how much they love bell peppers and fried cheese! I can only assume that Nutrition Entrepreneur means naturally skinny people convincing people (like me) that they don’t need diet or exercise to achieve a naturally skinny body. And if that’s the case, I’d like Quartney to take all of my money.

Thomas

Thomas is a 28-year-old real estate broker from Poway, California who looks more like a cool dad who’s going to take you to McDonald’s than a Bachelorette contestant. His bio says that he “often wonders if The Rock really can eat everything he posts on Instagram for his cheat meal days.” Yes, an interview about what Thomas is looking for in a woman is a weird time to bring up The Rock’s eating habits. But I am also someone who thinks about the Rock’s cheat meal posts. And it’s funny how one post can produce so many questions. Thomas is sitting there wondering about how he can possibly consume all that food and I’m wondering why The Rock’s “cheat meal” is the same as my “sensible Sunday night dinner.” It’s honestly insulting and bullying and shaming and I will not stand for it. #NORMALIZE50PIECESUSHIORDERSFORONE #CancelTheRock

Tre

Tre is a 26-year-old software engineer from Covington, Georgia whose favorite activity is to meet his friends for their brunch and book club. Good for Tre, but if I saw a group of people sit down to brunch with the same book to discuss, I’d stare as if it were a UFO landing. If my friends and I turned our brunch into a club, it would be called a “Brunch and smells like alcohol mixed with farts” club.

The Box/Blake Moynes

This season, someone shows up in a box, and it was kind of teased and then revealed during a promo that it’s former contestant Blake Moynes. And I know what you’re thinking: “WHO?!”

Blake Moynes is a 29-year-old wildlife manager from Ontario who looks like the lovechild of Kirk Cameron and Sulley from Monsters Inc. Blake is from Clare/Tayshia’s season. Before their season I wrote:

Blake’s bio is a lot like The Bachelorette in that it’s a fairytale that women want to hear. It says, “Blake spent his Saturday nights hanging with his best friends, but now all of those friends are married and he’s the last single man remaining.” This is written as if it’s a tragedy in Blake’s life. As if his friends were like, “What? No wife? I guess we’ll see you when you’re married… hopefully, our kids aren’t too far apart in age to hang at that point.”

I wasn’t wrong about Blake. He kind of played up the puppy dog “poor me” attitude throughout the show. If we ranked the things to pop out of the box on a scale of “famous single guy” to “pretty good vibrator” then Blake would rank as a vibrator that doesn’t get fully hard and will probably cry in Katie’s arms before buzzing slightly due to a low battery.

Images: ABC/Andrew Eccles; ABC/Craig Sjodin (31)