If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit online.rainn.org.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, The Bachelorette is not a show about finding love. It is not a show about reality. It is a money-making empire designed to f*ck with our feelings, pad Mike Fleiss’ dirty, shameful pockets, and pluck a few pretty people from obscurity and throw them into moderate internet fame. For the few of you that still believed, I’m sorry I ruined the show for you, and also my pal Jack just sold me some magic beans I think you might be interested in! Venmo me!
Because it’s a TV show designed to bring in viewers, obviously the producers try to pick contestants that will bring the drama. But lately, instead of bringing the drama, they have been bringing the sex offenders, the racists, the cheaters, and the misogynists. I’m not sure if they’re stupid or just don’t give a sh*t. One day I’d like to investigate that, so if you’re a Bachelor producer please hit me up, and also I’m sorry I just called you lazy and stupid. And I’m sorry for repeating it here now. So, I decided to take a look back at some of the worst contestants to ever grace The Bachelorette, ranked from “you’re a douche” to “I’m calling the police. Oh wait, someone else already did.” Let us begin!
Bentley is a throwback to the simpler days, when reality TV show villains were just your garden-variety f*ckboys, instead of your garden-variety convicted felons. My, how times have changed! Bentley was on Ashley Hebert’s season way back in 2011, a beautiful time when my parents still paid for everything and three drinks didn’t make me throw up. Bentley went into the season hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily Maynard, and when it wasn’t, decided to have his fun, pretend to be into Ashley, and emotionally torture her instead. A man after my own heart. He called breaking up with Ashley a “huge performance,” and said she was an “ugly duckling.” Yes, I also can’t believe this guy made it to the “best” spot on my list.
Be nice to this one, Bentley!
Chad Johnson, aka Mr. Meats, showed up to Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette with an unsettling smile, a lot of rage, and likely, the steroids he smuggled through security up his butt. He outwardly sneered at the other men, and looked down on them for being on a reality show… that he was also on. He also threatened to “cut everyone’s arms and legs off” which is apparently a “violently inappropriate” phrase, according to the official reprimand I received from my office that one time.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, Chad then went to Paradise, shat his pants, and was kicked off for “offensive antics”, which included the aforementioned pants sh*tting, and telling Chris Harrison, the Godfather himself, “f*ck you.” Single ladies, this is what we have left! And he was “vetted”!
So I guess he’s still hitting the steroids pretty hard
I’m not going to waste too much time on Jed, because we already know he went on The Bachelorette with the intention of getting famous and returning to his girlfriend when he was done. You ain’t sh*t, Jed. Also, everyone goes on this show to get famous, but Jed was just too stupid to to hide it. Try harder, Jed! It makes it even worse that we know he’s in the final three. At least have the grace to see yourself out before the fantasy suite, you two-timing Tim McGraw wannabe.
Also every time he sang the words “I want to be your Mr. Right” it sent a violent shiver down my spine and an angel lost her wings.
I should have known he was a cat person.
While Becca’s season was on, it was revealed that Garrett had liked a number of problematic Instagram posts. So, instead of ending up with a middle-aged, washed-up race car driver with a limited vocabulary, she ended up with a dude who thinks the Parkland students are crisis actors and probably says things about her friends like, “they’re a 2 at 10 and a 10 at 2!” Becca got so lucky.
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He took up way too much of our time at the Men Tell All, so I’ll just say that this list is so bad that slut-shamers land solidly in the middle. Congrats, Luke! You’re not the most vile! And that’s the nicest thing I’ll ever say about you.
You, sir, are not guac.
Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was historic—she was the first black Bachelorette in the history of the franchise. To celebrate, the producers rewarded her with a suitor that was racist. So sweet! Again I ask, are the producers lazy, or just stupid, or are they actually all puppies dressed in suits pretending to run background checks? Twitter is not the dark web! It is pretty easy to find out if one of your contestants has tweeted that, say, Black Lives Matter is a terrorist group, or, maybe, really hates women. As my mother says to me when she’s found the man I’m dating has fathered multiple children, “did you not just conduct a simple Google search?”
I WOULD SUGGEST YOU CONDUCT A SIMPLE GOOGLE SEARCH, ABC.
We’ve now moved into the sexual harassment portion of the article. Leo was the romance novel cover model (I could be making that up, but it’s true in my brain), who finished in the top six on Becca’s season. Then he went to Paradise where he proceeded to try and fight America’s Sweetheart, Grocery Store Joe. After he left the show, Bekah Martinez revealed screenshots of a woman accusing him of sexual harassment. Leo’s response was “I’m sorry that girl was offended that I assaulted her,” (I paraphrase), and then proceeded to threaten Bekah with a lawsuit as all truly innocent people do.
And finally we have Lincoln, who was actually CONVICTED of indecent assault after attacking a woman on a cruise ship, and is required to register as a sex offender. They let a sex offender pursue our Bachelorette! People think I’m extreme for bookmarking the sex offender registry, but I think ABC producers would really benefit from having a look at my browsing history. It would save everyone a lot of lawsuits trouble. Oh, yeah, and this guy used to sh*t on the floor at work. That’s too many contestants that have trouble controlling their bowels, man.
His last post was over a year ago, because he’s in jail, I presume?
I’m sure I’m forgetting so many trash men that have been vetted and let on this show for our entertainment, but I only have so much time, energy, and brain power that I can dedicate to this show before it melts my organs. Throw the losers I forgot in the comments, please!
Images: bentley_w, realchadjohnson, jedwyatt, gy_yrigoyen, luke_parker777, leegarrett_, leofdot, linkin_/ Instagram
We are blessed on this beautiful Friday, because yesterday PEOPLE released a teaser for the new season of The Bachelorette, and I am pumped. I don’t know about you guys, but ever since Alabama Hannah steamrolled her way into our lives by toasting to her first date with the ever-so-romantic “Roll Tide!” I knew I needed more of this stone cold weirdo on my TV. She’s awkward, she actually has a personality, and she seems willing to show us that there is more to her than just “former beauty queen.” Sold. And now we have a new teaser for her season, which begins on Monday, May 13th. There’s a lot of producer driven drama jam-packed into 30 seconds, so thankfully I’m here to break it down for you.
We begin on night one, with Hannah wearing a dress that she found discarded on the floor at an after-prom party. I see Cary Fetman is continuing his iconic styling this season. Blessings. Then we immediately launch into the drama. We see Hannah pull one of the guys aside and accuse him of having a girlfriend. So I guess ABC is back on their bullsh*t, huh? Another season, another set of garbage men that producers didn’t vet properly! *sigh* This happens while a voiceover says, “The drama never lets up.” Well, yeah! That’s what happens when you collect your group of suitors from a knock-off Planet Fitness in Panama City Beach, attempt to scrub the Axe Body Spray scent off them, dress them up like cater waiters, and throw them in a limo. They don’t know how to behave! And you can’t get that scent off them FYI, it emanates from their pores.
We also get a shot of one of the guys saying to another one, “don’t ever objectify a woman,” and how much do you want to bet this guy once called a woman “sugartits” on Twitter? Not that I think you would, sir, but I’m convinced ABC’s background checks are conducted by Business Barbie sitting at her plastic pink laptop, so you just never know.
Actual footage of a Bachelorette background check
Hannah says in the teaser that she wants a man to fight for her, so of course we get the obligatory Bachelorette date where the men assault each other to win the attention of a woman
they’re using for internet fame they love. I’m sure that will turn out completely fine and has nothing to do with the ambulance we see wailing in this teaser! On the bright side, the men fighting appear to be wearing kilts. Are we getting a trip to Ireland or Scotland?! If we are, this at least means that none of the men are banned from leaving the country! A heartening sign.
I do wish that they wouldn’t have a fighting date each season—is this really necessary to prove their love?! It’s not like I ask the men I’m casually dating to change into a kilt and then assault the perv on the subway that leered at my ass. A simple “I’ll order us an Uber instead” will suffice! Men are not (usually) physically fighting each other for a woman’s attention in real life. Can I start a petition they do something else next season? These fights just promote a narrow-minded definition of a man and it’s not necessary. As my girls on My Favorite Murder like to say, toxic masculinity ruins the party again. No need for it at this party, Mike Fleiss.
Here is the teaser, which you can watch in its entirety below.
So it looks like we’re in for yet another drama filled season! Fingers crossed it will erase last season’s lead, Mr. State White Bread, from my memory altogether. I’ll leave you with just one warning – yes, I did spend hours of my life analyzing this teaser, but take it with a grain of salt. The producers will always try to trick you, and we never actually know what happens until the show airs. For all we know, no one even showed up on night one and we’re not having a season. See you on May 13th to find out!
Images: bacheloretteabc/Instagram; Giphy (2)
Welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read, according to me and the select few friends I’ve
blackmailed strongly encouraged to endorse me in the comments section. I’m just going to jump right into the recap this week because, y’all, it took a dark turn. Normally when I watch this show my emotions range from “mildly entertained” to “looking up how to get away with arson in LA” but this week was a little bit different. I felt things that I did not think my cold, dead heart could ever actually feel. Like, I may have cried a little. And not even just because I ran out of wine!
We’re starting this week off strong already. It’s three minutes in and Chris Harrison is already throwing insults at the most emotionally fragile girl in the house: Alabama Hannah.
CHRIS HARRISON: How are you feeling about last week, Caelynn?
ALABAMA HANNAH: Um, my name is Hannah…
CHRIS. MY GOD. He definitely just got a bonus for mixing up their names on purpose. I hope your new timeshare in St. Lucia was worth it!
This week the ladies are headed to Singapore! I guess none of the contestants have any outstanding issues with the law this season and are actually allowed to travel outside of the United States. I’m pretty sure at this time during Becca’s season the crew was heading off to the exotic and enchanting locale that is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so, like, that’s where the bar was at. They’re already exceeding my expectations as to how this season would go. Brava, ladies.
Lol they’re staying at The Fairmont?? This is a far cry from the Crazy Rich Asians fantasy I’m sure Colton was picturing when production told him where they were going. You know that bish loves a good rom-com.
The One-On-One Date
Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date and I’m shocked because I literally have no idea who this girl is. Is she one of the young ones or the old ones? And by “old” I mean of legal drinking age but still legally allowed to be on her parents’ insurance.
I love how Colton is like “I’m not sure about her” and then decides the only way he’ll be able to find out is by forcing her to jump off a bridge. They’re going bungee jumping for their date, and this is the stuff of nightmares. I absolutely do not trust that ABC wouldn’t “accidentally” forget to buckle something in an attempt to get better ratings.
Jesus. Colton is acting like such a girl right now I can’t. He looks like he might cry and it’s like, production already made you go to second base with Tia in Mexico, don’t pretend like jumping off a bridge is something you totally wouldn’t do for more Instagram followers. Tbh if I was Tayshia I’d let Colton go and then I’d be like “see ya never dude” and find some rich guy at the Four Seasons. You don’t need this sh*t, girlfriend.
TAYSHIA: He just sounded like a little girl.
AHAHAHHAHAHA. She did not just say that! Colton, that was not cute. He definitely just sharted in his pants. That’s why they immediately cut to them hanging out in the water, so we wouldn’t notice any stains on the seat of his trunks.
Ah, I was wondering when we’d get to the sob story portion of the evening. Tayshia says her life hasn’t been all roses because she recently went through a divorce, which definitely explains why someone who seems so down-to-earth and put together would be on this show. It’s all making sense now. I guess there’s nothing like sticking it to your ex by getting hot and heavy with a virgin on prime time television?
COLTON: Wow, I had such a blast tonight dissecting your emotional baggage.
God Colton, at least PRETEND like her heartbreak isn’t giving you a hard-on right now. Tayshia gets the rose and also another reason for her ex-husband to get the dog in their custody battle. I hope your sub-par makeout session with Colton was worth it!
The Group Date
The group date is up next and it starts with Colton lamenting over having to balance 13 relationships at once. Oh cry me a f*cking river, we know you blackmailed Mike Fleiss to get on this show, so smile and shut up.
Okay, Demi is bold. She’s jumping up on Colton’s back, getting sketches of the two of them made, and pretty much acting like the two of them are on their own date. The other girls in the house are pissed because she’s stealing all of the attention, but honestly she’s playing the game right. She’s trying to make the most of her limited time with Colton and I don’t think that’s wrong. #TeamDemi
For the group date Colton wants to show them the wonders of Singapore and takes them to a back alley harem. I wish I was joking. Okay, this is f*cking terrifying. Like, is this place even up to code? Do we know where these leeches have been? Because, yes, you heard me right. Colton is making them put LEECHES on themselves. As if draining their dignities week to week wasn’t enough, now they gotta give up their blood too.
For the next part of the date, Colton takes the girls to a street fair where he suggests they all try some of the local cuisine. Again, this is definitely something he saw and loved on Crazy Rich Asians. Also, I love that he’s forcing these girls to ingest fried frog legs. This is such a great crossover Fear Factor/The Bachelor episode!
At the cocktail party, Alabama Hannah is quick to be the first one to grab Colton. She’s trying to interrogate him about their relationship whilst wearing the most offensive jumpsuit I’ve ever seen. Hannah, why do you do things like this?
Okay, yes, I’m glad we’re addressing this. Back at the street fair an Asian fortune teller told Colton and Cassie that they were brother and sister in a past life and Colton is EATING it up. He’s like “I really believe in that stuff you know?”
Oh GOD. Demi opens up about her mother getting out of prison but I can’t take her seriously. She looks like a life-size Bratz doll right now.
Courtney is pissed that Demi keeps getting time with Colton, and it’s like, first of all, who even are you? Second of all, this is the f*cking Bachelor! You literally signed up for this sh*t. She confronts Demi and tries to tell her she’s being immature, but Demi isn’t the one pouting about not getting screen time…
DEMI: You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.
^^My official motto from now until the end of time.
Demi gets the group date rose because no one else had more emotional baggage than her. Thanks, mom!!
The Second One-On-One Date
Caelynn has the second one-on-one date and I don’t care what Colton said to get to second base with Alabama Hannah last night, this is a big f*ck you to her. I would not be surprised if in between montages of them making out the camera cuts to Alabama Hannah stress-eating her hair by the pool.
Colton tells Caelynn that today is all about treating her as if he will actually be using his own money on this date. Please.
Jesus. He really is living out his Crazy Rich Asians fantasy. He takes Caelynn on a shopping spree at what I can only assume is the Forever 21 of Singapore? I’m alarmed at the dresses they’re pulling. Like, I’ve never seen trash like that before and I’ve sat through three weeks of Demi’s rose ceremony outfits…
Cut to the cocktail party, and Caelynn tells us she has a story she needs to tell Colton. Grab your tissues now.
Okay, this… took a dark turn. Caelynn says she was sexually assaulted in college, which is absolutely horrifying.
Colton brings up how he used to date someone who was sexually abused and he has to be talking about Aly Raisman, right? I’m kind of not okay with that. That’s her story to tell.
Honestly, I don’t want to say anything else about this. I feel horrible that this happened to Caelynn and I’m glad she’s being open and honest about it. I’m glad her voice is being heard and she’s advocating for sexual assault victims. That said, I don’t know how I feel about ABC capitalizing off of it…
Caelynn gets the rose, and I get another box of tissues.
The Rose Ceremony
Demi, still riding off the high of her group date rose, gives an impassioned speech about how every girl should get some time with Colton. She’s like “I’m gonna talk to him and so should you and I don’t want to hear boo about it.” Lol. I’m sure this won’t at all result in her getting flung into the pool by an angry mob of hair extensions.
Colton slinks off with the girl who got the First Impression Rose night one. I legit forgot this girl even existed and I guess so did Colton because he’s like “so what’s up?” Lol this girl is a DUD. No wonder she hasn’t gotten any screen time since.
Hannah G is like “tonight he acknowledged me in the biggest way ever” YEAH, HIS HAND ON YOUR ASS. Dream big.
Uh oh. Caelynn pulls Alabama Hannah aside to “talk” because she wants to bury the drama between them.
CAELYNN: I just want this experience to be enjoyable for both of us.
Lol they think being on The Bachelor should be enjoyable?? Oh, sweetie, no.
Okay, this feud between Demi and Courtney is out of control. Demi tells Colton that Courtney is the “cancer of the house”, which feels like a GROSS exaggeration, but okay. Courtney then turns around and starts sh*t talking Demi to Colton. Girls, girls, girls. When will you get it through your bleached heads that talking sh*t about other contestants to the lead never works out in your favor??
Courtney tells Colton that Demi used the word “game” when talking about their relationship, and it’s like, why is it a bad thing? This is kind of a numbers game until the end. You’re competing for attention. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT.
Final rose count: Old Tracy and Courtney both get sent home, and honestly that feels like the right outcome. Though I’ll take any outcome where my eyeballs won’t be subjected to another week of Tracy’s “daring” fashion choices.
Well, y’all, I’m emotionally spent (and so is the wine) soooo I’m outtie! See you betches next week. Xo.
Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @tracyshapoff /Instagram (1)
I’m really fucking annoyed right now. For multiple reasons. First off, I haven’t had an open Thursday night since like, the 90s, all thanks to Shonda fucking Rhimes and her life-ruining, ugly-crying, unrealistically stupid medical drama show that I’ve been sucked into watching for like, 87 years straight. I’m obviously talking about Grey’s Anatomy.
And while we’re on the topic of this being my favorite show that I unapologetically refuse to stop watching, I was so excited to write a #TBT post about Grey’s Anatomy. But the fact that Shonda somehow managed to not kill off every character and continues to make me loathe 90% of them for 13 seasons (AND COUNTING) officially cancels out the whole “#TBT” aspect. So essentially, this is now just like, another dumb present-day recap. Kinda like that annoying chick that posts a #TBT pic about her vacation she got back from three hours ago. But whatever, no one’s twisting your arm and forcing you to read about the actual worst characters on this show, just like no one’s twisting my arm and forcing me to invest more time into a fictional wasteland than I ever have in anything that actually matters in life, but here we are.
10. Ava/Rebecca/Whoever The Fuck
Ok, the bitch had issues. It’s no fucking mystery. But to change your name, pretend you “don’t remember” shit about your life in order for the biggest fuckboy to roam the halls of Seattle Grace to take one glance at you, and then try to kill yourself in the comfort of his own home? That is some fucked up Stage-5, 13 Reasons Why baby-back bullshit. Doesn’t she know that most people in L.A. would KILL to have facial reconstructive surgery? Like, be grateful for what you have and quit the pity party. TBH, the only reason she’s the least annoying is because she’s obvi mental patient status and I have to at least act like I have a heart.
Annoyance level: Girl who shares a social media account with her boyfriend.
9. Miranda Bailey
Congrats to Bailey for not entirely making me want to rip my weave out, but the more seasons in this goddamn series, the more she’s beginning to piss me off. I thrived off Bailey’s sass and take-no-BS attitude with a secret soft side in the beginning of the series. But apparently now she just can’t handle super unfortunate things in her life, like her uncontrollable sexual desires or her intolerance for like, every human ever, which are things I only strive to achieve. Build me a fucking bridge, Bailey.
Annoyance level: Friend who bitches about being broke when she just booked a three-week Euro trip.
8. April Kepner
April made me contemplate taking a pencil to my eyeball when she first came on, and later KEPT coming on, and then she got a little better I guess. She blames everyone else for her garbage decisions (same), like the time she blamed failing her board exam on Jackson. I take full responsibility for my C average in college due attending toga frat parties on the reg. It’s called acceptance. And who the fuck leaves a guy like Jesse Williams (who’s capable dicking down any specimen with a vagina of his choosing) to go overseas and refuses to return? On second thought, stay there, Kep. You’re cancelled.
Annoyance level: Girl who reminds the teacher you have homework due two minutes before class ends.
7. Maggie Pierce
Maggie comes in as Lexi’s replacement, which is like, what’s the lesser of two annoyings? Truthfully, IDK. Her incessant need to babble on about IDK what lands her at the No. 7 spot because she’s like that girl you reply “that’s crazy” to, which is the universal term for, “I literally tuned you out 12 minutes ago,” but she evidently doesn’t get the hint and still rambles on. Bitch needs to sit down and maybe roll a fatty to chill the fuck out, but she does throw a mean right hook, so four for you, Mags.
Annoyance level: Uber driver who shares his life story.
6. Erica Hahn
Someone get this bitch a hug stat. Or a dick. Wait, I think she was a lesbian? Regardless, Erica had a stick up her ass throughout her entire existence, but the only thing she had going for her was her rivalry with that fucktard Burke. She was good at what she did, but clearly being a good doctor is like the 12th most important thing on the checklist when it comes to Seattle Grace employees, considering they all pretty much could have avoided killing their patients. Bottom line is she was just annoying as fuck, and served no purpose other than to give me chronic forehead wrinkles from scrunching my face in disgust for like, three entire seasons.
Annoyance level: Girl who irks you by simply existing and you can’t pinpoint why.
5. Reed Adamson
Reed and her dumb Keebler Elf haircut need to get that shit out of George’s cubby like, yesterday. Has this bitch any respect? First off, she’s like that exchange student from the rival high school who thinks she’s hot shit because she hailed from the east side, but really nobody gives a fuck. She also went full Regina George and snaked her way into relationships by playing Alex and hooking up with Mark while he was with someone. Close your goddamn legs and get a new hairstylist, Reed.
Annoyance level: Villain on The Bachelor who says she’s not here to make friends.
4. Izzie Stevens
Never forget that Izzie literally killed someone in the name of love. It’s like the modern-day Romeo and Juliet, except that it’s not because instead of sacrificing herself, she literally committed a crime that should’ve landed her life in prison. Is it weird that I feel like this is something the actual Katherine Heigl would do? IDK, she just gives off that vibe. Like, ok, the Denny Duquette love story literally left my soul in a puddle of mush, but lest we also not forget that not only did Izzie jack someone’s heart, she also stole someone else’s husband and left her own. The only reason why Izzie isn’t further down this list is because I don’t have enough Xanax to tolerate another bitchy Kath Heigl rom-com character who miraculously cons the hot guy into falling for her.
Annoyance level: Friend who falls off the face of the Earth after getting a boyfriend.
3. Preston Burke
Don’t even get me started on Preston fucking Burke. I curse the day this fuckboy was born. He literally pulled the biggest jackass rule in the book à la Mr. Big and left Christina Yang on her wedding day at the altar. He really couldn’t do this 12 hours prior? Pretty sure he also pushed her into everything else in their fucked-up relationship, too. But probably the worst part about all of this is that Burke’s mom stripped Christina of the one thing on a woman you never dare to fuck with: her eyebrows. If it isn’t apparent by now, there’s a special place in hell for the Burke clan.
Annoyance level: Mr. Big leaving Carrie Bradshaw on their wedding day.
2. Arizona Robbins
Is it some sort of rule that once you become crippled, disabled, and/or over the age of 65, you’re just allowed to be a dick for no apparent reason? Because sign me the fuck up. But seriously, Arizona Robbins used to be a Shonda fave until she blamed Callie for chopping off her leg (which fucking SAVED HER LIFE, but nbd) and went AWOL on everyone by cheating on Callie with P-Sawyer to like, get back at her or some shit. Way to fucking go, AZ. On that note, who the fuck names their kid Arizona? No wonder this bitch is batshit.
Annoyance level: Regina George telling Cady she’d “talk” to Aaron Samuels for her.
1. Meredith Grey
Fucking duh, Meredith earns the top spot on this list—not even her therapist can tolerate her. And I swear to god, if she refers to herself as dark and twisty one more time, I’m quitting #SHIT night. That’s actually fake news, but it’s the thought. Like sure, she’s been through hell and back, but that was like, a few seasons in. Mer had no excuse for being a whiny, semi-selfish bad friend the first couple years at Seattle Grace. Also, who sleeps with their best guy friend knowing she’ll regret it in the morning? I mean, me, but that’s beside the point. And then she didn’t even tell Derek’s sisters she took him off life support and just peaced the fuck out for a year. She’s like that friend you only call when you’re feeling like shit, because you know she’ll already have something to bitch about, too. TBH, I would’ve given Meredith a break had she not taken Derek’s tumor drawing out of her room. Sorry, Mer, you’re in the prime annoyance spot for life.
Annoyance level: Every year ABC announces Grey’s Anatomy is renewed for another season.
The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.
So, unless you’re Patrick Star and you live at the bottom of the sea under a literal rock, you’ve heard about the Bachelor in Paradise drama by now. I mean, thank The Lord Baby Jesus that the show isn’t cancelled forever and we’ll get to see this stone cold pack of weirdos make out with each other on a beach at some point in the near future. Still, the drama surrounding Corrine and DeMario raised a lot of questions about what these cast members actually sign up for—like, literally sign up for, with their contract and all.
CNN Money got a hold of the legit Bachelor in Paradise contract and had a lawyer look at it, because journalism. The contract basically gives the show and its producer free reign over your life. That means you can’t sue them if they portray situations in a way that definitely isn’t truthful, if they show you butt-ass naked, or clip your soundbites together to make you say something you definitely didn’t really say. The producers are basically like:
You also can’t sue if you suffer emotional or physical trauma, or, like, you know, catch an STD from someone. You would think you should get tested for that shit before you go on a sex vacation, but some people like to ruin things for others.
Instead of like on actual news shows, where, if you portray someone in a way that didn’t happen you get a lawsuit slapped on you so fast your head spins, on Bachelor in Paradise, the producers get total free reign with no repercussions.
Like, how Ashley I. was always talking to a parrot instead of a producer. That didn’t really happen, but it was funny and she signed a contract so the show had its metaphorical way with her. Also, producers can make it look like you did the dirty with a cast mate with a few well-placed “mmmm” and “oh yeah” and “oh my god” captions, even if all that went down was generally PG-13.
The contract does say that you shouldn’t do anything technically illegal and should also probably not assault other people on the show. Yet, the show and its producers aren’t responsible if someone goes rogue and
eats you out in a pool gets weird with you.
So the question you may be asking yourself is, why would anyone sign on for this shit? The answer is fucking obvious. Have you seen the money people make on Instagram endorsements after becoming Bachelor famous? Yeah, that’s why. Also, if you don’t sign the contract, there are about 50 other contestants from the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette who would gladly sign their lives away for a little more screen time.