Welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! As if it wasn’t already a blow to my ego to be single and 30 on Valentine’s Day, ABC wants to rub salt in the open wound by making sure my only viable plans for the evening are to sit shackled to my TV watching beautiful, college-educated women throw themselves at the human equivalent of whole milk. God damn you, ABC. God damn you. 

Let’s Get Ready To Rumbleeeee

If you were hoping that ABC would stick with the V-day theme and produce an episode that could actually convince people with fully-functioning frontal lobes to believe there’s a chance at finding love on reality TV—think again! This week starts with where we left things last episode: the two-on-one date. I can’t think of anything that screams “everlasting love” less than a two-on-one date. The rules are simple: two women enter, only one leaves. In any other reality this is the plot of a Dateline episode, but okay. 

Shanae is already gearing up to con Clayton out of choosing another perfectly normal girl to give his rose to. She knows that what Clayton truly wants isn’t someone who loves lazy Sunday mornings, drinking coffee in bed; it’s someone who will cut his brake wires after he forgets to load the dishwasher just once. Come on, it’s written all over your face, buddy!! 

SHANAE: I’ve been through hell and back for Clayton. I deserve to be here.
THE HELL:

 

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And, look, I know I shouldn’t, but is anyone else secretly rooting for Shanae? Yes, I know she’s vile and unhinged, but my god can the woman put on a good show. Like, imagine if she won the whole damn thing and Clayton is just watching this at home with her now in abject horror. I mean, we’ve endured six weeks—six weeks!—of the Shanae Show. At this point, her reign of terror has gone on for so long that I no longer want her to leave. I want this whole season to be Clayton just being obviously conned. Give the people what they want!

During the date, Genevieve tries her best to focus on her alone time with Clayton. If I were her, I would be wondering why she’s on this date at all. She’s had beef with Shanae, sure, but everyone has had beef with Shanae. Why pit her specifically against the gorgon? I get the feeling that Clayton just liked her the least out of the other girls and was deciding between boring and crazy. A question that has plagued the male species for eons. 

While Genevieve’s strategy is to play it safe, sane, and stable (booooo), Shanae’s strategy is to just continue creating chaos. It’s like Shanae’s foreplay demands role play, but the role play has to consist of her acting like the victim of middle school bullying. She tells Clayton that Genevieve is actually the unhinged one, that Genevieve was inconsolable at being chosen for the two-on-one and just “wanted to go home” already, and that Genevieve is the actress who’s been faking her way through her conversations with Clayton. Jesus Christ, this bitch is good. She could literally shit in her hand and tell Clayton it’s gold and he would believe her. You have to applaud the audacity. 

SHANAE: Getting this rose tonight is going to feel better than sex.

Yes, well. Certainly sex with Clayton. 

Clayton is putty in Shanae’s hands. He asks Genevieve—in front of Shanae!—what her secret agenda is. Is she an actress who’s been lying to him this whole time? Jesus fucking Christ. I’ve seen vegetable peelers with better cognitive reasoning skills than what Clayton’s displayed this entire season. Congratulations, Clayton. You’re one of the dumbest Bachelors in this franchise. And I say that having had to watch Chris Harrison explain penetration to Colton a few seasons back! 

Clayton, unsure of who to trust, asks for a few minutes alone so he can think things through. I’m not sure what Mother Willow over there is going to tell you that you don’t already know, but okay. At this point he has to know Shanae is sociopathic, he’s just deciding if that’s worth the tantric sex in the fantasy suites. Only if your orgasms depend on knife play, buddy! 

After wallowing by the falls for way too long, Clayton decides to give Genevieve the rose. Is it just me or does Genevieve not only look shocked to be receiving said rose, but also a little disgusted at having to accept it? If a man called me an actress and a liar to my face, never apologized for it, and then shoved a half-hearted rose at me as an “apology,” that rose (and his favored body parts) would find themselves at the bottom of Niagara Falls. 

With Genevieve in, that means Shanae’s out… for now. I get the feeling that roses are not legally binding enough to hinder Shanae from, say, using her passport of her own free will to show up at their next locale. Court ordered mandates are more her love language, you feel me?

Clayton: A Grower, Not A Shower

I wasn’t expecting a lot when ABC announced Clayton as their new Bachelor, but I was expecting him to have at least a few brain cells to rub together. Boy, was I wrong. There were multiple points throughout the episode where Clayton commented on his “growth” as a person, to which I feel compelled to ask: when and, like, how have you actually grown?? After Shanae’s exit, no one was prouder of Clayton than Clayton. The women were crying like their country had just been liberated, while Clayton basked in being the liberator. At one point he says something like this week has challenged him to grow as a person, and I’m not sure what he wants from us. A “congratulations” for not picking the girl that gets his dick wet? You’re looking for a wife, not someone to send you nudes in your DMs!

As if to highlight his new role as “mature” and “cultured” and “Patron Saint of Turning Down Blowjobs From Psychos For The Greater Good” Clayton tries to educate the women on their new travel destination: Croatia. Honey, they know where Yacht Week is. This isn’t amateur hour. Once in Croatia, ABC can’t help but contrast the “growth” Clayton was bragging about by cutting to b-roll of Clayton thinking deeply on a boat. Ah, yes, that’s so different from the Clayton he was in Toronto. And, of course, Clayton has the uncanny ability of making gorgeous Croatia look like the creek in his granddad’s backyard. It’s just the way he sits on that boat. 

Later, his growth is put to the test during his one-on-one date with Teddi. She reveals that though she’s hot and smart and not even a little bit religious, she’s actually still a virgin. She’s never been in love before and she wants to wait until she’s in love to have sex. Meanwhile, Clayton is looking at her like she’s the riddle he has to solve after meeting a troll under a bridge. 

TEDDI: I’m a virgin… does that worry you?
CLAYTON: 

He’s like “wow, you’re a virgin? But I’m actually attracted to you??” Yes, Clayton, believe it or not, attraction is not actually dependent on if someone has their hymen or not. Crazy! I truly can’t wait to see where this new “grown” Clayton takes us next!

Mara Is Too Old For This Shit

With production’s golden goose Shanae out of the house, they need to find a new evil to curse the contestants with. And what could be more evil than a woman in her 30s! That’s right: production has set their sights on Mara to be the new season villain. To be fair, Mara is having a hard time this week and it has nothing to do with the tangled web ABC wants to weave. It’s like she woke up and realized that she is 32 and on The Bachelor. *shudders*

The thing is, this show is not meant for us olds to succeed. I say “olds” not because any of these women are actually old, but because traditionally contestants who’ve aged out of their parents’ insurance plan don’t make it far. The Bachelor leads are quick to say that they’re looking for a mature woman to wife up and settle down with, and then promptly choose a woman whose most recent career achievement was putting together a pancake breakfast for the Alpha Delta Pi alumni event. So, I don’t blame Mara for looking around the room and asking herself wtf. No, actually, what the fuck. 

CLAYTON: When I look around this room, I see my future wife.
THE ROOM:

At 32, Mara is the oldest contestant on the show and the only contestant to be shut out of any one-on-one dates. When Sarah, a woman nine years her junior, receives a second one-on-one date, Mara’s head practically does a 360° spin around her body. 

This is not to say that I’m Team Mara by any means. I just understand how infuriating it is to watch dudes gaslight “older” women by saying they want maturity and then actively choosing the opposite. And it’s not that younger women aren’t mature or ready enough for marriage, it’s just that these women on this show aren’t mature or ready enough for marriage. They’re ready to quit their jobs to become full-time Instagram peons. That’s it. 

Later, during the group date, Mara confronts Clayton about his favoring younger women and wow wow WOW she is really laying it all on the table. 

MARA: It’s your journey, Clayton…
ALSO MARA:

Mara tells Clayton that Sarah is not ready for marriage. She implies that this is something Sarah said to her and not a personal observation of Mara’s. Mara, Mara, Mara. This is not the way to go about winning, honey! Going after Sarah feels like low-hanging fruit. You’re better than this.

Plus, I mean, the age difference between Clayton and Sarah is actually not that crazy. Sarah is 23 and Clayton is 28 (he has the maturity levels of a 13-year-old, but is still technically 28!). But I do see Mara’s point. Sarah was going to frat formals last semester and now suddenly she’s ready for matrimony? She literally still drinks jungle juice out of garbage cans at parties. Neil Lane cannot in good conscience adorn that Kool-Aid stained hand with one of his rings. 

Mara’s accusations cause Clayton to confront Sarah on their one-on-one date. I see his devotion to personal growth and thinking for himself is working out great for him! The rest of the episode is a pandemonium of sobs and wails. Sarah cannot believe anyone would call her young. She has a Linktr.ee with all her personal swipe-up codes on her IG handle, for god’s sake. They don’t just give swipe-up codes to babies, okay!! 

She survives the one-on-one date with a rose… but barely. And may god have mercy on Mara’s soul if Sarah ever finds out who threw her under the bus. Hell hath no fury like a woman-who-has-yet-to-need-Botox scorned. 

Roses & Eliminations

As always, ABC has left me with nothing but anarchy and fragmented story lines to make sense of for this recap. Narrative arcs are so 2021…

Roses:

• Genevieve (two-on-one)
• Teddi (one-on-one)
• Rachel (the group date)
• Sarah (one-on-one)

Eliminations:

• Shanae (two-on-one)
• Hunter (rose ceremony)
• Marlena (rose ceremony)

Images: Giphy (5); @shanae.a /Instagram (1)

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! Last week ABC gave us a brief reprieve from the madness that has been Clayton’s season. I’m sure that decision had everything to do with ABC’s utmost respect for our mental health and nothing at all to do with the PR carnage that would have ensued had they hyped Clayton’s lily white ass on a day meant to celebrate the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. I guess we’ll never know…

Girl Code Is Dead

This week picks up right where we left off, at the last rose ceremony. For those of you who don’t remember: Cassidy was doing her absolute best to make a grown man ejaculate in his khakis on national television. Tbh, her strategy seemed to be working. After ruining a child’s birthday party during the group date (“I didn’t come here to hang streamers!”) and living out every Marissa Cooper bad-teen-with-daddy-issues fantasy with Clayton by the pool, Clayton was officially smitten. The only flaw to her plan? Equating “girl code” with the legal standing of attorney-client privilege. Oh, sweetie.

Just before the rose ceremony kicked off, another woman in the house revealed that Cassidy had been talking to a hookup buddy from back home. A hoe in a different area code? How novel. Immediately after finding this out, Clayton asked Jesse Palmer if it was possible to take back Cassidy’s rose, to which Jesse Palmer responded, “does it look like I care? I was in the middle of drinking this martini” and leaves Clayton to ponder his romantic dilemma. He’s not contractually obligated to do more than that. I get it. We all have to protect our time for work-life balance!

Clayton decides to confront Cassidy, and it’s truly a joy to watch. Here we have two blond, conventionally attractive people, who are completely unaware of their own hypocrisies. On the one hand we have Cassidy, who was definitely sexting a man up until the point that a producer pried her phone away from her gel manicured hands. On the other hand, we have Clayton, a wronged man, a man who was *checks notes* saying “I love you” to a Minnesota school teacher not but eight weeks ago? Hmm…

CLAYTON: You were seeing someone right before you came on this show?
CLAYTON RIGHT BEFORE COMING ON THIS SHOW: 

 

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I think what’s most fun for me to watch is Clayton acting completely scandalized at having dated a girl who also has a guy on the side. Are you telling me this has never happened to you before, sir? That’s the confidence of an average white male right there. This is 2022. Everyone has a side piece! Monogamy is dead. 

Though Cassidy eventually comes clean and tells Clayton that she does have some sort of situationship back home—but her feelings for Clayton are real now!!—Clayton is unimpressed. He wants commitment! He wants to be the only person in Cassidy’s phone sending her texts about as sexy as lukewarm soup! He tells Cassidy he just can’t deal with her and sends her home. 

Do I feel for Cassidy in this moment? I absolutely do. She tried to do what every man who can marginally pass for 6’0 has been doing since the dawn of time: have his cake and eat it too. The real glass ceiling, if you will. If Clayton knew what this man was texting her (half-hearted “yeah I’d love to see you”s in between asking her what she was wearing) would he really be threatened? Does this mean everyone has to be celibate before coming on this show? It’s all crap. I didn’t even think it was legally possible to take a rose back at this stage in the game, but I’m pretty sure this dismissal would not hold up in a court of law. Cassidy, have your people call my people. This is a wrongful termination if I’ve ever seen it.  

Clayton Joins The Women’s Movement

The theme for this week’s dates appears to be inspired by Christina Aguilera’s iconic 2002 album Stripped—except it’s all decidedly less sexy. Clayton wants the ladies stripped down—he wants real, raw vulnerability. And, you know, also to see them half naked. 

The first group date of the week delivers all of this and more. Former Bachelorette and Bachelorette host Kaitlyn Bristowe leads the ladies (and Clayton) in a group therapy session where they all must divulge their biggest body insecurities. I think I’ve seen this activity before and I think it came straight from The American Girl: The Care & Keeping of You.

I’m not sure what Clayton was expecting from this date, but it sure as hell isn’t what goes down during this sharing circle. It seems like almost every woman in the room has a story about a man in their lives inflicting some sort of horror on their bodies. As they tearfully discuss the atrocities done to and said about their bodies, Clayton looks on in horror and confusion. He seems surprised that women have actual bodies and aren’t just brainless bags of flesh. More than women having bodies and relationships to those bodies, he seems surprised that his gender is capable of, well, acting like his gender. Welcome to the feminist movement, Clayton! I can’t wait until you find out how much tampons cost. 

 

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Resolving to treat women better, Clayton takes this newfound outlook into his one-on-one date with Sarah, where his resolution promptly evaporates into a plume of Axe body spray. Sarah and Clayton will be doing a scavenger hunt around the city in—get this!—only their underwear. Sarah looks appropriately scandalized, but if it were me on this date it would absolutely not be possible for me to compete. How does one tell a producer on national television that underneath your Revolve outfit you are Kim Kardashian body taped to within an inch of your life? Hmm?

Sarah soldiers through the date despite being forced to rap (why??) practically nude about wanting Clayton in “her spot” as an elderly woman in full-on COVID gear watches on in horror. The CDC is certainly getting a call about this tonight. 

You would think that ABC would be content with only objectifying one woman’s body, especially after devoting the first half of the episode to body positivity. You would think wrong. The stripped theme continues through to the last group date of the week, a Baywatch themed group date (yes, feminism is dead) in which the women compete to be the best lifeguard. Or was it the best-looking lifeguard? I honestly can’t say for sure. I do love that Clayton, not but 48 hours earlier, spent an entire day in a workshop about respecting women’s bodies only to immediately sport a hard-on at the sight of grown women in bathing suits. 

CLAYTON: I never want women to feel like I’m only attracted to their bodies. I respect women so much.
CLAYTON, THE MOMENT A WOMAN SHOWS UP IN A SWIMSUIT: 

I can see he learned so much this week!

Shanae Update: Shrimply The Worst

Last week we saw the origin stories of two emerging villains: Cassidy and Shanae. Cassidy had the drive and the dynamics to make meh television into great television. Meanwhile, Shanae had the drive and dynamics to make the audience extremely uncomfortable. With Cassidy on the way home to have subpar, noncommittal sex with her situationship, where does that leave our other intrepid villain? Committing crimes against culinary. 

During the episode, Elizabeth, Shanae’s sworn enemy for reasons that have yet to be revealed, cooked garlic butter shrimp for the girls in the house. This was eye-opening for several reasons. First, that these women would willingly ingest anything with the words “butter” and “garlic” in the name is breaking the fourth wall for me. Secondly, do these women have to cook their own meals? I was under the impression that a chef, or at the very least a catering service, was involved while they’re marooned in that house. And if they do indeed have to cook their own food, are they only allotted eight shrimp a meal?? Is that the budget??

Shanae takes Elizabeth up on her offer for shrimp—and then some. Instead of eating one or two, she damn near ingests the whole pot. (Sidenote: I’m not suggesting that eight shrimp is a lot of shrimp, it’s just all that Elizabeth made for the house. Eight shrimp is a light snack in my eyes, a thing I would eat and then immediately feel hungry after eating. However, eight shrimp is apparently enough to start the end of days in this house). The other ladies in the house are pissed they didn’t get to eat their one allotted shrimp. Though, again, I think the real crime is that there were so few shrimp cooked to begin with. Shanae must realize the wrath of a hungry woman, so she quickly makes amends by cooking more shrimp. To her dismay (and outrage), the house eats her shrimp but doesn’t deign to thank her for her efforts. 

THE GIRLS: *breathe*
SHANAE: I hate them

She is a vibe. My vibe, if you will. 

Shanae takes her beef with Elizabeth to Clayton where she describes in minute detail the shrimp incident. Can you imagine telling your grandkids this story about how you met their grandmother? She tells Clayton that she feels bullied by the other women in the house with Elizabeth leading that charge. He interrupts her outcry about bullying to make out with her. Our ally, ladies.

SHANAE TO CLAYTON: I’m the victim of bullying
SHANAE TO THE CAMERAS: 

My god, give this girl an Emmy. She’s the most interesting thing to happen to this episode. As the cameras cut to Clayton chastising a sobbing Elizabeth about being a bully, they pan back to Shanae’s maniacally laughing in the confessional about having pulled a fast one over Clayton. Perhaps I didn’t give this girl enough credit. 

As Shanae basks in her victory, Clayton vows to go full-on Mary-Kate and Ashley detective agency in getting to the bottom of this mystery. He will solve any crime by dinner time.

SHANAE: *shows Clayton exactly who she is*
CLAYTON: 

Christ. 

Like the previous episode, this week things end on a cliffhanger. We’ll have to wait until next Monday to see if Clayton is able use his eyes and ears to figure out who’s there for the right reasons and who’s there to just eat shrimp. Until then!

Roses & Eliminations

For those of you looking for, like, actual information about this episode, that’s fair. I don’t let a little thing like “facts” steer the narrative arc of these recaps, but alas I realize it’s important all the same. Here’s a breakdown of roses and eliminations:

Roses:

• Eliza (therapy group date rose)
• Sarah (one-on-one date rose)
• Gabby (Baywatch group date rose)

Eliminations:

• Cassidy
• Ency
• Tessa
• Kate

Images: John Fleenor / ABC; Giphy (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)

Hello and welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! Every Monday I tell myself that this will be the Monday that I cut ties with this disease-ridden franchise and do something for myself. The things I would do with those two hours back in my life! I could download a workout video! I could watch that workout video while eating Cheetos by the handful in bed! The possibilities are truly endless, and, yet, it appears that I have no self control. I’m like Pavlov’s dog in that way. If on Mondays at 8pm, I’m not a glass of red deep listening to a 23-year-old social media participant equate her love life to Odysseus’ voyage home in the Odyssey, then my brain starts to short-circuit. It’s ABC’s world, I’m just living in it.

Speaking of the women, this week they are back in the Bachelor Mansion babyyy! Not only are they back, but they are practically frothing at the mouth at the knowledge that they are standing at the very threshold where the feminist movement went to die. Exciting times. One woman is like “it’s historic, it’s a landmark” and that is certainly one way to describe this boulevard of broken dreams. 

The women do have some reason to be excited, though, because this is a jam packed week: two group dates, a one-on-one date, and an unspecified amount of alone time with the reason for my life-long love affair with wispy bangs, Miss Teen Queen herself, Hilary Duff. Let’s get into it, kids!

The Dark Knight Bottle Blonde Rises: A Villain’s Origin Story

While we all thought we were going to watch a group of women compete for America’s sweetheart, two of the contestants, Cassidy and Shanae, were actually competing to be America’s Next Biggest Bitch (trademark pending) — and honestly, it would slap as a show. Much of last night’s episode was devoted to the origin story of these two emerging villains. Though villain is, perhaps, too strong of a word to describe Cassidy and Shanae as it suggests things like fully functioning frontal lobes. Thing One and Thing Two over here have all of the foresight of a toddler about to stick its thumb in an electrical outlet. But still, it’ll be fun to watch these two get electrocuted. 

 

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Early on, the two of them form a mutual bond over wanting to be “aggressive” in their pursuit of Clayton. It’s unclear as to if this alliance is formed solely off the fact that they somehow have the exact same face or if they discovered that their Instagram bios both read “she had a marvelous time ruining everything” (I suspect it could be both). That said, Cassidy is clearly the leader of the two. During the first group date of the week she manages to dominate both Clayton’s attention as well as the camera’s without having to do any of the group date grunt work that the rest of the girls have to do. 

What is the group date, by the way? The ladies are tasked with planning and executing a child’s birthday party under the watchful eye of Hilary Duff. Yes, you read that right. Hilary fucking Duff is on this group date. Didn’t Disney+ just make the entire Lizzie McGuire series available to stream? Doesn’t she get royalty checks for that shit? My god, I hope she’s getting paid handsomely for this. Beyond handsomely. I hope this singular appearance wipes the entire budget for fantasy suite dates. It’s what our Lizzie deserves. 

To be honest, I’m surprised these girls are old enough to know who Hilary Duff is. My brother, a Gen Zer, once asked me—and I quote!—if Avril Levine was making a comeback and “if his music was any good.” If! His! Music! Was! Any! Good! To which I may have screamed “HE WAS THE SK8R BOI, SHE SAID SEE YA LATER BOI. YOU UNCULTURED SWINE WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING IN SCHOOLS” and then immediately bought an entire aisle’s worth of CVS anti-aging products. 

But back to the ladies. As I mentioned, they were tasked with building a child’s birthday party from scratch, which feels very sexist for a date that’s supposed to exist in the year 2022. What’s next? A fashion show where the women show off who has the least amount of body fat to pull off an apron? 

You know who won’t be participating in the party planning? Cassidy. Cassidy is giving Meredith Blake vibes throughout the entirety of this date and I’m living for the energy. When she’s not actively avoiding doing any work (again, icon status), she does this thing where she just acts like a massive bitch to children. 

CHILD: *looks in Cassidy’s general direction*
CASSIDY: 

She also spends quite a bit of time dry humping Clayton by the pool and just generally making Clayton’s good Christian values crumble into nothing. In her own words, she’s not here to hang streamers. Legendary. I love it. 

Of course, this behavior does not win her any friends. The rest of the women are all but sharpening their pitchforks, biding their time for when she slips up and ends up with a moment alone, outside of the scope of the cameras. Even Hilary Duff is watching her like she has limited breaths on this Earth.   

These feelings only intensify when Clayton gives her the group date rose. That’s right, Clayton, a man who has been telling us since night one that he’s looking for a simple girl to fill up his simple life, had the option of giving his rose to any of the nine women who could actually tolerate breathing the same air as small children or Cassidy, and he gave it to the woman who ruined an 8-year-old’s birthday cake. He might as well have given the group date rose to Miss Hannigan. Your actions are really reflecting your future goals, buddy!

And where is Shanae in all of this? Oh, she’s thottin’ and plottin’ all right. After the group date, Cassidy reports back to her #2 and strategizes how Shanae can employ similar warfare to her own group date. At this point, Shanae is like an inch away from single white femaling Cassidy. (Again, I would watch that show.) She is hanging on to every word Cassidy tells her as if this woman, who has most definitely maxed out her Revolve credit card, is Jesus Christ himself. 

She’s still repeating Cassidy’s words of wisdom as she embarks on the second group date of the week. Shanae’s like, “my name is Shanae and I came to slay” and the writer in me just curled up and died at that word play. She keeps talking about her newfound confidence going into the date and it’s like, is it confidence or did you just “accidentally” forget to wear a bra?

Her confidence slowly starts to derail when she realizes having visibly hard nipples is not going to set her apart in this crowd. She decides to shift the game pieces in order to hijack Clayton’s attention, which is currently fixed on Elizabeth. During the group date they all play a game of Never Have I Ever, but Clayton only has eyes for Elizabeth. While the rest of the women gamely wave their paddles about, shouting about wanting to send Clayton nudes, the two of them are making eyes and giggling softly in the corner. It’s sickening.  

Shanae doesn’t like what she sees and so she makes up some drama to tattle to Clayton about and make him question Elizabeth’s intentions. So… Shanae is just in love with Elizabeth, right? Am I reading that room correctly? She’s so angry that Elizabeth doesn’t like her and she should be more concerned that Clayton doesn’t like her. In fact, he appears to barely want to be in her presence. 

ELIZABETH: Why are you so obsessed with me?
SHANAE: *non ironically*

The hostility between Elizabeth and Shanae continues through to the rose ceremony where the two engage in some aggressive eye rolling while Clayton wishes he could disintegrate into the nearest wall. Just once I’d like for a lead to hear feud rumors like these and be like, “actually I’m not going to entertain any of this, I think I’ll use my best judgment, thanks.” Because this feud is over nothing! It’s over feelings that these emotionally stunted barn animals cannot even begin to articulate in any real, meaningful ways, so why must we continue to give these things air time? Hmm?

As Clayton agonizes over his girls not getting along, Cassidy finds her own scandal to headline. In Cassidy’s bid for attention, she forgot that people are actually, like, recording her every move. Shocking. We learn that Cassidy told another girl in the house about a side piece texting her while they were quarantining before filming. From the sounds of it, she and this guy had a casual on/off thing that could very well follow her to her grave should she continue posting thirst traps to her IG and he continue to respond to said thirst traps with the tongue out emoji. A tale as old as time. She says that this guy invited her to watch the series together when she gets back from filming, which means he’ll spring for the Orville Redenbacher if she’ll pretend to be into the foreplay as the show plays on in the background. Again, a tale as old as time. 

What Cassidy didn’t account for is snitches. After telling another girl about this side piece, the girl promptly runs off to Clayton during the rose ceremony to deliver the news. Okay, but what is the crime here? He can’t seriously be mad that Cassidy was casually talking to another guy during a moment in her life when her literal only options for entertainment were to do half-hearted crunches in a hotel room or watch another Law & Order: SVU marathon. Especially when he’s actively dating a pledge class worth of girls. Grow up, Clayton.

But Clayton is, in fact, distraught over this news. He gave her his rose and all he got was her company an over-the-pants handy by the pool? Can he really continue to open his heart to after this very normal sequence of events we call “casual dating”? Only time will tell. The episode ends with Clayton asking Jesse Palmer if it’s possible to take back someone’s rose. Dun dun dunnnnn. 

Other Notable Moments: Susie’s One-On-One Date 

I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention Susie’s one-on-one date, despite how mind-numbingly boring it was. Susie gets the first one-on-one date of the season and—I’ll say it—they just fit together. If Clayton is the human embodiment of a “hot dude” stock image search, then Susie is the human embodiment of an off-brand Hannah B. I don’t quite believe these two are actually human people and not very life-like cyborgs ABC cooked up in their underground studio. In fact, watching them date is like watching two clones do the thing they were cloned to do. 

 

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So, yeah, their date is fine and they seem fine together. Their combined star power packs all of the punch of a bowl of oatmeal, but then is any one really surprised? Susie earns herself the date rose and can rest easy at the rose ceremony. 

Speaking of the rose ceremony, we’ll have to wait two weeks to see if Cassidy is able to have her cake and eat it too, and if Shanae and Elizabeth will just go ahead and kiss already. Until then!

Images: John Fleenor (2) /ABC; @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); Giphy (1); Tenor (1)

Well, well, well, here we are again. We are just days into this new year and ABC has already went and said “fuck your new years resolutions.” That’s right, a new year means a new season of our favorite American horror story: The Bachelor! It’s time to put all of your new year’s progress on hold (all three days of it) and indulge in last year’s trash. By “trash” I am of course referring to our new Bachelor, Clayton Echard, a man so bland and mediocre that even the audience base who still shops at Vera Bradley and measures the weight of their existence solely by the presentation of their monograms was like “ugh, this guy? Seriously?” Yes, seriously. 

By the time the episode’s opening credits roll, it’s clear that ABC is still working overtime to sell us on Clayton. What does this “overtime” consist of, you might ask? Well, I’ll tell you what it doesn’t consist of. Instead of asking Clayton any personal questions to capitalize on, finding out if, say, he has a quirky hobby like that he secretly learned Elvish during a college recruiting trip, or that he has some sort of fun interest in the art of charcuterie–they decide to double down on the shit we already hate about him. They tell us that Clayton is just a simple guy from a simple town and then show us footage of a town that could have doubled as the one that banned teens from dancing in Footloose. 

CLAYTON: I just want a soul mate to show my hometown to
THE HOMETOWN: 

My god there are so many white people in this town. And so many white people doing white people things! A middle-aged woman bleaching the shit out of her hair, teen girls somehow—in the year 2022—wearing Aeropostale’s spring line from 2007, two middle-aged guys manspreading in front of an American flag draped over a fire truck. Is this a real town or a manifestation of one of my stress dreams from when CNN used to show too much footage of Trump rallies?

Next up on ABC’s highlight reel for Clayton: his journey on Michelle’s season. Not sure you can use the term “journey” for a stint of time that’s shorter than a CDC recommendation for COVID quarantine, but okay. Clayton himself even jokes that he was only on the show for eight minutes. I worry that he doesn’t understand the actual joke he just made. The joke isn’t that you only lasted on The Bachelorette for a brief amount of time and then somehow landed a leading role on the next season. The joke is that ABC, knowing they had already picked you to be said lead, could not find more than eight minutes of footage to air about you. The most interesting parts of you amounted to a total of eight minutes. That’s how dismal the state of this season is. 

We are also reminded that even though Michelle didn’t love Clayton, kids loved Clayton. Kids also love eating dirt and leaving skid marks in their underoos. What’s your point, ABC? The producers took special care to air the footage of the “children” writing Clayton a pity note about how awesome he is after Michelle dumped him. This is the only evidence they have that Clayton is worthy of being our Bachelor. That’s their story and they’re sticking to it. Speaking of the “children,” the producer who had to write a letter to Clayton in the voice of a kindergartner probably has a tenuous grasp on his  mental health right now. Can we get someone to check on that guy? I’m worried. 

Despite the fact that ABC signed us all up to watch the consequences of drinking whole milk your entire life embark on a journey to find love, I was actually pleasantly surprised by the episode. Dare I say… I was even entertained? *immediately waits for God’s smiting* Look, just because I took mild pleasure in viewing this episode that doesn’t mean I was able to find any sort of narrative arc to adhere to this recap. Sorry. This first night had all of the structure and organization of some sort of demonic entity breaking down the gates of hell and it must be recapped as such. No, instead I shall touch upon the night’s highs and leave it at that. Let’s get into it:

The Girls Have Gone Wild Feral

I thought Matt had it tough last season when he tried to find love in the middle of a global pandemic. During his season the women were still getting human interaction through zoom happy hours and so seeing a real live human man—not just sending sexts through Snapchat to an ex or emotionally masturbating to the IG accounts of the cast of The Outer Banks—was like watching the unraveling of the human psyche in real time. But if I thought those ladies were unhinged and horned up, it’s nothing compared to the stock of psychos they found for Clayton’s season.   

 

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Normally on the first night we see a few kooks, but I am genuinely recommending a wellness check for every woman on this season. You can tell that half of these women have not been on a real date since March 2020 and the other half have been on dates and are appalled at the caliber of men the pandemic somehow left untouched. Take for example, Daria, a Yale law student, who says—looking directly at the camera with all of the feeling of someone who just crawled out of a bunker—to hell with getting an education, she needs a husband. I mean I think her exact words were something like “Clayton looks like the type to be a protector, a provider, and that’s really attractive to me” which is… sinister to say the least. Daria, sweetie, you were smart enough to get into Yale law but you want to hitch your wagon to a man who definitely answers spam calls and then, like, gives them the time of day? Put down the banana bread and let’s talk this out. 

And the gimmicks! Don’t even get me started about the quality of the gimmicks this season. The girls have not just gone wild, they’ve gone absolutely feral. One girl brings a boa constrictor, which has to violate several wildlife protection laws. 32-year-old Kate asks Clayton to feel her “nips” and then produces airplane bottles of whiskey straight from her bra. Kira, A DOCTOR, shows up in a lab coat and red lingerie. Gabby brings a pillow with Clayton’s face on it and says it’s because she wants to—and I quote!—“sit his face.” Another girl brings in her ex-boyfriend’s ashes and casually insinuates that she murdered him. Like, where are they finding these women? Under bridges selling their souls to magical trolls for passage?

Not only are the women going completely off the rails, but it’s clear that ABC will just be allowing the inmates to run the asylum. There are no rules anymore. Case in point: Salley’s storyline. Before we even get to limo entrances we’re introduced to Salley, whose job title is “formerly engaged.” Goddamn, these producers are ruthless. We learn that Salley recently broke off an engagement because of “trust issues”, which means her fiancé definitely cheated on her with the ex from high school he told her not to worry about. Not only was Salley recently engaged, but she was actually supposed to get married ON THE FIRST DAY OF FILMING?! We absolutely know that ABC rearranged their filming schedule to psychologically torture this girl for ratings. In fact, I think the producers might also be making her capture her tears in little airplane bottles so they might chug them before particularly grueling filming schedules to boost their life force. 

SALLEY IN THE LIMO ON THE WAY TO THE BACHELOR MANSION: 

And this is not even the most shocking part of the Salley storyline. The most shocking part is that Salley is allowed access to Clayton BEFORE THE LIMO ENTRANCES. That’s right, they give Salley Clayton’s room number and then encourage her to breach his safe space as if she is not a complete stranger. This is right up there with storming the Capitol in terms of violating the sanctity of our societal norms. 

Why does Salley need access to Clayton, a man she’s never met and only heard of a few days ago when her mother admitted that she accidentally sent her American Idol audition tape to The Bachelor instead? Well, Salley feels that Clayton deserves to know why she’s leaving before filming even started despite there being literally no need for this confession. In fact, if she never said anything to him, his life would actually not change at all because he didn’t even know she existed. That’s just facts, honey. 

SALLEY: *emotionally diarrheas on Clayton’s couch*
CLAYTON: If you don’t mind, could I step away for a second? 

Please tell me he’s leaving to go scream into a pillow. Anything else and I’ll think less of him (if that’s possible). ABC, he asked for a wife, not a head case!!

Here’s how I know Clayton is too simple to be our lead. After Salley, a stranger, shows up at his door and delivers the plot line to a Lifetime movie, he handles the situation by *checks notes* giving her a rose?! Okay, this is the wild fucking west now. They aren’t even at the Bachelor Mansion yet! You can’t just give out roses off the premises unless you want to enact a centuries-old witch’s curse! Everyone knows that! And Clayton, the answer to this woman’s deep-seated emotional trauma is not gifting her a rose you stole off the housekeeping cart mere moments before. My god, read a book. 

To no one’s surprise, Salley declines his pity rose and goes home early where (hopefully) she can take her pain and channel it into something more productive. Like, carving her name into her ex’s car. Good luck to ya, girlfriend!

 

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Senior Superlatives: Bachelor Edition

My bar for being impressed this season seems to rely on two factors: one, the absolute willingness of these ladies to debase themselves and their reputations for our viewing pleasure; and two, watching literal stars be born. Mark my words, Clayton deserves the human equivalent of low-fat yogurt for a romantic companion, but in the process of giving him that ABC has actually found some genuine talent. Let’s reflect on the biggest wins of the episode:

Most Grounded: Susie. Never did I ever think I would associate the word “grounded” with a girl who spells her name with an “ie”—and the “i” most definitely had heart over it for the majority of her life. As the rest of the girls gamely asked Clayton to lady and the tramp uncooked sausages with them, Susie watched on in abject horror. Throughout the evening you could see her mentally calculating how she ended up in this hellscape and recoiling at her unfortunate life choices. I’m awarding her most grounded because she seems cute and super judge-y. A winning combo, IMO. I’m sure she’ll go on to get the villain edit (as all the best hoes do) but for now I’m truly enjoying her presence on my screen. 

Best Vibes: Teddi. Teddi reminds me of every character Mindy Kaling has ever written about herself—the smart and charismatic horny virgin. Clayton is immediately gobsmacked by her presence and even ends up giving her the First Impression Rose. I already can’t wait for Fantasy Suites when production layers audio of her whispering “okay, but only the tip!” over footage of discarded khakis (Clayton’s) and a half-drunk bottle of champagne (Teddi’s). 

Most Deserving Of A Purple Heart: Claire. Last night I watched a hero be born in the form of Claire, a 28-year-old “spray tanner” from Virginia. We all have our origin stories, I suppose. Claire had the audacity to say what we were all thinking out loud, which is that Clayton ain’t shit. It started when she put together a cornhole, tailgating moment for the two of them, and Clayton allowed another woman to derail their alone time by stealing him for a sec (FYI my master’s degree just physically recoiled at watching me write that sentence). Claire’s response? To down a chicken wing and drunkenly declare “I could never date America’s sweetheart.” Iconic. Thank you for your service. 

Most Romantic Gesture: ABC, for capping the episode at just two hours. That’s right people, despite rumors of a three-hour opening episode, ABC actually showed they do understand the concept of self-restraint. This episode clocked in at exactly two hours, and, dare I say, all 120 minutes were actually enjoyable? Is this me eating crow?

And that’s all she wrote, kids! The trailer for this season looks positively delicious. If I thought the women seemed emotionally unbalanced on night one when they knew absolutely nothing about Clayton, that appears to be nothing compared to the emotions we’ll witness later in the season. You know what they say: There’s nothing like a mediocre white man to bring out the worst in women. Until then!

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (2); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1); thebetchelor /Instagram (1);  @Schitt’s Creek /Netflix (1)

Happy International Women’s Day, people!! What better way to celebrate empowering women than by watching a conventionally attractive man rail three of them in one weekend? That’s right: Fantasy Suites are here! If it feels weird to watch what is essentially a three-day orgy take place during the height of a pandemic—you’re not alone in those feelings! Never mind that Heather probably had to undergo more testing to drive that minivan within five feet of production than any of these people will have had before they swap bodily fluids for 72 hours straight. But you know, cheers to love and all of that.

Two weeks ago, Matt narrowed his group of women down to the final three: Michelle, Bri, and Rachael. But before we get to the sex, Matt tells us he can’t move forward in his Bachelor journey without first solving his daddy issues. Um, Matt, I’m glad you’re working on yourself and all of that, but don’t you think you should have worked on those intimacy issues before coming on a show that ends in a rapid-speed engagement? It took me and my therapist an entire year just to talk through the time the samples boy at Costco did not return my flirting, and you think one ambush is gonna cut it?

Okay, Matt is even gigantic compared to his own father. How is he so tall? He could fit his dad in the pocket of his jeggings!

MATT: You cheated on my mom and that has permanently altered the way I trust people and engage in romantic relationships.
MATT’S DAD: 

This conversation feels very… not staged. I’m shocked. Matt is being open and vulnerable. At one point he cries in the interview room. This is the most emotion I’ve seen out of him all season, and I’m including the time he almost killed Bri with a dune buggy.

I’m not sure what Matt was hoping to get from this conversation, but their talk ends amicably. Matt’s dad says he’s going to try more. Matt says he’ll try more too—he’ll try more to muster up the energy to pretend to want to bang those three women who are in love with him. All is right in the world.

Michelle’s Fantasy Suite Date

Now that Matt got the Chuck E. Cheese thing out of his system, he’s ready to make sweet, sweet love to the longest-limbed human I’ve ever seen. You can tell Matt is really into Michelle because he came dressed to the date wearing jeans that are actually painted on him. Matthew! Save something for the bedroom, buddy!

For the day portion of the date, Matt takes Michelle to the Pennsylvania Dutch Spa. I think this is supposed to be relaxing and romantic, a way for Matt to literally butter Michelle up before she finds out in the fantasy suite that Matt’s open-eye kissing thing extends to other parts of the bedroom as well…

Okay, I’ve never watched a fantasy suite date before that made me this nervous for a girl’s pH levels. They’re pouring hot butter on each other, rubbing oatmeal into every crevice of their bodies, soaking in baths of what I assume is unpasteurized milk—this entire date is a cautionary tale my gyno told me to scare me about getting UTIs.

The more Matt and Michelle talk, the more I feel like they are pretty perfect for each other, which I’m sure means Matt will run as fast and as far away from her as possible. Michelle talks about how her parents taught her to model healthy, loving relationships. Matt says he didn’t have that growing up, but Michelle still thinks he’s her person anyway. I really want these two to work out. I mean, with wingspans like that, if they ever procreate their children could reform Mt. Olympus! Think of the possibilities!

More evidence that Matt is super into Michelle: He shows up to dinner showing zero skin from the chin down. Seriously, where does this man shop? How does one amass a wardrobe that consists of turtlenecks and skinny jeans and almost nothing else? ABC, I need answers!

MICHELLE: I would truly love the opportunity to get to know you better.
ALSO MICHELLE:

Michelle accepts the overnight invitation, and BOY, to be a fly on the wall when she explains this to her fourth graders in a few weeks. I’m sure little Ethan will ask her the hard questions again, like if she came or if she just moaned a few times until he stopped jabbing the walls of her uterine lining and called it a day.

Okay, why does this morning after look so tame? They’re lounging on the bed and Michelle is wearing an entire outfit underneath that silk robe. The only signs of any intense ardor is a singular rumpled pillow on the ground. Like, did they lose sleep having hot sex or because Michelle taught him the song to remember all the U.S. Presidents? I honestly can’t tell.

Bri’s Fantasy Suite Date

Bri’s up next, and she’s about as confident about her place in Matt’s heart as I am that I can pull off mom jeans. She was his last pick at the last rose ceremony, and thinks that might be an indicator of where their relationship ranks compared to his with the other girls. I’m not going to say this is all in her head, because the “fantasy” date he has planned for her involves hiking boots and a tent from Costco’s summer sale. Like, she knows you already rubbed hundreds of dollars worth of raw milk all over Michelle’s supple body yesterday, and you think she’s not gonna judge that y’all’s first time involved thermal underwear and a rock wedged in her spine?

BRI: You know how to pitch a tent?

I have a feeling she is not talking about where they’re going to sleep tonight. No one could “pitch a tent” in pants that tight.

Oh okay, phew. Bri is allowed out of Matt’s Blair Witch Project and taken on some semblance of a real date. For the evening portion he takes her to an actual dinner at a place with an actual roof over their heads. A far cry from the boiled water and power bar situation Bri was probably envisioning hours earlier.

Wow, Bri looks absolutely stunning this evening. I wish I could wear a dress like that and not have to be encased in head-to-toe Spanx or undergo some sort of structural engineering with Kim K’s body tape.

Matt and Bri bond over their absentee fathers, and he is really using this same story to get into all of their pants. Like, no script change or anything from when he gave this speech to Michelle. Bold. I guess this is the least his dad could do for him. He didn’t need quality time, he just needed this story to recycle in case he ever felt like getting laid.

Okay, Bri understands what to pack for a night alone with your man. The cameras cut to their morning after and she’s draped in lace and silk. She’s cooking breakfast with pants that have slits up to her vagine. She’s pulling out alllll the stops. I just really wish I could see this for her. I think Matt is attracted to her and understands her, but they’re almost too similar or something. I don’t think he wants to end up with someone who has a similar family situation. But perhaps I’m reading too much into these strangers’ lives.

Rachael’s Fantasy Suite Date

Rachael is last this week, which I’m convinced was a strategic move on production’s part so the viewers back home could watch her slowly come apart at the seams over the last 90 minutes of this episode. I will say, her crying and pouting routine is really showing her age. What? You’re telling me you’ve never slept with a guy who’s actively sleeping with other people while he’s emotionally invested in you? What are you, 12? Grow up.

Rachael asks Matt how he’s been, and boy, is that a loaded question. Matt can tell that Rachael is being weird and he has questions. Well, get in line, buddy, because so do I. First up: what’s going on with the cut-out of that crop top? Why the belly button? Is it a Gen Z thing? Is the U-shape important? ABC, I need answers!

Okay, Rachael is being reallll pouty on this date. She freaks out halfway through their ceramics activity and pulls Matt aside to talk privately. Nothing is more of a mood killer than insecurity, let me tell you.

RACHAEL: This week is the lowest I’ve ever felt.
MATT: Well if it makes you feel any better, Bri had to pitch my tent for me!

Matt, she doesn’t want to hear about your handjobs! Keep that stuff to yourself.

I just don’t understand why Rachael is so freaked out. She just graduated college, like, yesterday. Surely casual sex is a culture she can understand!

By the evening portion of the date, Rachael has completely forgotten about the fact that Matt has swapped more bodily fluids in the past 72 hours than a Walgreens COVID test kiosk. Rachael shows up to the dinner in a hot little red number that has Matt actually licking his lips at the sight of her. Vomit.

I think he knows she’s really hot and really into him and it’s giving him the craziest boner. Also, watching him be so into Rachael, who (all controversies aside) is clearly the youngest and most immature out of the ladies he has left, is making me think less of him. If this is the kind of girl he wants to pursue, then he’s not ready for marriage. YOU’RE A SHAM.

The Rose Ceremony

We don’t even get a morning after from Matt and Rachael’s date, and that’s how you know the sex was good. They couldn’t even tame it down for the cameras. I’m imagining Rachael staggering out of that suite, her neck raw from Matt’s turtleneck chafing. It’s best that footage remains in the vault, I think.

Instead, we jump straight into the rose ceremony. All of the ladies are decked out in black, which I can only assume is because they are mourning the loss of their dignity. Carry on, gals.

HOLY SH*T. Bri is going home? But she’s wearing a high-neck dress! She’s speaking his love language!! This is possibly the worst rose ceremony to be sent home at. Now all of America knows who gives the worst blowjobs. Plus, she left her high-powered job for this. My heart is truly breaking for her.

And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you next week for the epic finale to a season that definitely wasn’t already spoiled for us five weeks ago. Until then!

Images: @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); @ABC (2); Giphy (1)

Hometowns are hereeeeee, and boy, has it been a journey. Is it just me, or has watching Matt whittle down his group of ladies to the final four felt a little like surviving a middle school locker room during the height of puberty? Michelle and those arms definitely look like the type who could give me a wedgie, and Rachael has a face that says “I would start a rumor about you using super jumbo tampons.” But, you know, I’m sure Matt’s wife is in there somewhere!

As I’ve mentioned, this week is Hometowns, where we’ll get to meet the families of Matt’s final four women: Michelle, Rachael, Bri, and Serena P. The theme of this year’s Hometowns is “you can never go home again,” mostly because it would take too many COVID rapid tests, and production already wasted their emergency stash on Heather. Shame. If you’ll recall, last season’s quarantine hometowns were… something. For those of you who missed it, just imagine the production value of a high school’s performance of Mamma Mia! but, like, without the pride of a bunch of art geeks hoping to use the set design on their college applications and more just Chris Harrison’s least favorite ABC intern cobbling something together with rubber cement and a sharpie. So, this week should be fun!

Michelle’s Hometown

We’re first whisked off to Michelle’s hometown of “Minnesota.” Minnesota is in air quotes here because I’m assuming we will see nothing of the actual state during this date. If anything, I imagine ABC will project a Pinterest mood board of “cold stuff” on a green screen and hope we just get it.

Okay, this is kind of cute. Michelle introduces Matt to her alter ego: “Miss Young.” Miss Young is her teacher personality whose kink is apparently having her third graders grill Matt about how many kids he wants and if he uses his hands enough during foreplay. Seriously, these questions are so invasive! Especially Ethan’s. That kid has no chill. 

Also, be real, Michelle. Did you make attendance mandatory here? I can only assume permission slips must have signed for this as well? And can I just say, Matt’s pants are VERY tight. I almost need parental controls on my TV to endure seeing those thighs, I can’t imagine the effect of seeing those bad boys live and on Zoom. 

My first impression of Michelle’s family is this: they’re HUGE. Are we sure she’s actually from Minnesota and not from whatever place birthed Hagrid? They’re SO tall, it’s insane. My second impression of the family is that they need to be protected from the franchise at all costs. They are too precious for this Earth. Her dad has a voice that could soothe my anxious dog during a thunderstorm, and her mom is wearing head-to-toe Costco in the most endearing of ways. They both seem deeply concerned that their daughter would accept a marriage proposal from a man in a tweed bomber. They’re not wrong. 

The date culminates in the most wholesome display of family dynamics I’ve seen on my screen since Boy Meets World went off the air: a family game of basketball. Excuse me, but what?? Like, I did not know that a Bachelor date would be my inspo for setting my dating standards in 2021. Brb, just going to update my Ship profile to say “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my entire family and play a low-stakes game of pickup basketball.”

MICHELLE: I told Matt I loved him and he gave me a positive smile in return.
ME BOOKING THE NEXT FLIGHT TO PA: 

A positive smile? That’s it?! He just had a hot, confident woman with legs the length of my entire body tell him she loves him even with his turtleneck fetish, and the most feeling he can muster up is a lukewarm smile? Are you kidding me with this, Matthew? Are you into any of the women? Because right now I really couldn’t say! Do you even want a wife? Or just a roommate whose pants you can borrow? Someone make it make sense. 

Rachael’s Hometown

The racist is up next! Oops sorry, I meant Rachael is up next. She wants to show Matt what life in Georgia is like, and it all just hits a little differently now that we know her TimeHop is full of “Old South” throwbacks.

RACHAEL: *blindfolds Matt* I can’t wait to show you Georgia! Do you trust me?
ALSO RACHAEL: We’re here!!

Oh, no it’s cool, guys, she’s just going to shove him out of a plane! Luckily for her, Matt considers near death experiences to be foreplay, so he’s really into it. 

Holy sh*t. Rachael lands like a cracked egg on the pavement. Okay, why was that landing so bad? What kind of janky skydiving place did she book for this? Also, I love that they make her finish out this date even with whiplash. Matt’s like, trying to make out with her while she’s still peeling astroturf out of her hair extensions. She just face-planted, full speed from the sky, into the earth. At least wait for her concussion to subside. 

We finally meet the family and they’re… ambivalent about Matt. Honestly, there’s not much more I can say about this date. Rachael seems really into him even with her parents voicing concerns. She even wanted Matt to ask her dad for his blessing to get married. You can tell when she asked Matt about it he was like “oh right, we’re supposed to get engaged at the end of all of this.” Yes, you are buddy! Better start acting like it. 

Bri’s Hometown

I love that these are not Hometown dates as much as elaborate ways to maim Matt. Michelle was the nicest about it with that bike riding excursion, but Rachael was hoping he’d get the shoddy landing, and Bri is actively trying to crash him into a tree while they’re off-roading in that Jeep. 

BRI: Do you remember that one time you almost killed me?
ALSO BRI:

AHAHAHAHA. I love that Bri has been holding this huge grudge since week three. God, I hope she kills him. 

Also, as hot as murder is ladies, where are the real hometown dates? If I don’t see at least one high school yearbook photo from the 2000s complete with crimped hair and Hollister tees, I swear to god I’m going to lose it. 

Bri’s family consists of her mom, BFF (who’s also named Bri), and baby sister. Okay, wow her “baby sister” is a literal baby. I was expecting to meet some Gen Z-er in mom jeans ready to fire off some scathing critiques of Matt’s TikTok, not this squishy bundle of cute. 

I cannot get over how gorgeous Bri’s mom is, and also how young she is. She could be a contestant! They could have gone on this show together and rivaled The Twins™ for most outrageous professional description. 

Also, I don’t think Bri’s mom likes Matt very much. First off, Matt dodged almost all of her questions about how he sees the future with her daughter. Second of all, she keeps saying “we can mend your heart together” as if she’s already has pints of Ben & Jerry’s on deck in the hotel room should her daughter blink twice for help. 

Bri thinks that the reason she hasn’t said she’s falling for Matt yet is because she has trouble being vulnerable, but I think it has more to do with the fact that she knows nothing about this guy other than the fact that he has a penchant for skinny jeans and turtlenecks. Even so, she blurts out an “I love you” before the end of the date. Matt takes this as an encouraging sign for their relationship, but pointedly ignores that fact that when she said the L word it was accompanied by the facial expression of swallowing glass. Yeah, I think these two will go far. 

Serena’s Hometown

Last but not least, we have Serena’s hometown. Serena appears to be the only one who didn’t get the memo that “hometowns” is actually code for “create an elaborate death trap for Matt,” so she sends him to Canadian bootcamp instead. Also, I love that Serena’s hometown is just the entire country of Canada ,and that apparently the most defining moments of her childhood involve the Canadian national anthem and eating the most disgusting looking poutine I’ve ever seen in my life. 

SERENA ON THIS DATE RN:

Okay, Matt’s pants are out of control. Those jeans are practically painted onto his body! I’m shielding my eyes watching this hockey game for fear a g-string might pop out of those jeans when he leans over to hit the puck. 

Okay, Serena is soooo normal. She’s giving me huge Hannah B vibes, and by that I mean she’s relatable AF. Matt says as much when he meets her parents. He’s like “she was so normal” which sounds like an insult, but I get it. That said, I don’t think Serena is that into him. Her sister even says she doesn’t look “smitten” with him, and I would have to agree. 

SERENA’S SISTER: Do you love him?
SERENA: ….yes?
SERENA’S SISTER:

AHAHAHA. This sister is savage. I love it. 

I do think Serena is talking herself into this relationship. I’m sure she’d be into dating Matt, but marriage? Eh, not so much. The end of the date is pretty bleak. She tells Matt she’s having doubts about their relationship and he reacts with all of the emotion of a toaster. I know I used to give Lauren B a lot of sh*t for maybe being an animatronic fembot crafted in the bowels of ABC studies for the sole purpose of being Arie’s dream girl, but now I’m starting to wonder if they manufactured Matt too. He’s just way too cool under pressure. 

The Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony begins, Matt tells Chris Harrison that he got a bad feeling from his hometown date with Serena. In what I’m sure is truly altruistic in motive and has nothing at all to do with manipulating a grown man into crying for ratings, Chris encourages Matt to talk to her right now. What’s the worst that could happen! 

Matt’s like, “I need answers, she needs to talk to me” and BOY does he get them. Serena says Matt’s just not her person and essentially sends herself home before the rose ceremony. To her credit, she did find a very nice way to say “it’s not you, it’s me.” 

SERENA: *dumps him*
MATT:

I am dead that he just asked her to walk him out and then proceeded to have his own sad limo exit. Like, Matt there’s no need to have this tear-stained confessional. You’re already the bachelorette, buddy. 

Matt is visibly shaken by his encounter with Serena. He hasn’t felt this betrayed since his trainer left him for a different CrossFit. Luckily, we have Chris Harrison here to offer warm words of encouragement in the form of fearmongering. He’s like, “and are you worried no one else likes you, because I would be.” You’re ruthless, Chris. This is not the time!

At the rose ceremony, Matt tells the ladies that although he’s given off tepid expressions of feeling at best and has promised nothing of an engagement at the end of this other than “we’ll just have to see where we’re at,” that they better step tf up and fulfill their contractual obligation to make him look good. Jumping ship so late in the game is a bad look for his brand. He tells them to think long and hard before accepting any of his roses and then immediately calls Michelle’s name before finishing his last sentence. The scared straight tactics work because all of the women accept his roses. 

That’s it for this week, freaks! Start psyching yourselves up for next week’s “Women Tell All”, because Queen V and her under-eye bags are coming back, and I could not be more thrilled. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (3); Giphy (6)

Well, well, well what a week it has been for Bachelor Nation. It was already hard enough that we had to say goodbye to Dildo Girl, our favorite camp counselor and sex positive queen, BUT now we gotta deal with Chris Harrison and the rest of the Bachelor franchise acting like racist trash? I’m not going to rehash the entire problematic exchange (you can read all about it here), but I will say it’s almost like the franchise only chooses to support diversity when it’s convenient and/or popular for them to do so, and not because they genuinely have a desire to share Black and Brown stories. But I’m sure ABC and Chris Harrison are taking all of our feedback and are using this time as an opportunity to grow. And by “time” I mean the one to two episodes Chris Harrison will be sidelined from hosting to focus on “accountability.” To be fair, I’m pretty sure that’s how long cancel culture works for middle-aged white dudes in the country anyway. 

Moving on to this week’s episode, and to drama that doesn’t make me want to set fire to everything on this earth: Heather is in the houseeeee! Last week, Heather Martin of Colton’s season (and Hannah Brown’s TikTok videos) decided she was so bored in quarantine that she would literally do anything for human interaction, including willingly walking into this hostage situation in progress. Of course, Matt is the hostage in this scenario. The women have completely descended into a mob rule/Lost Boys type situation here. I would not be surprised if that bloodcurdling scream Pieper let out after Heather interrupted her alone time with Matt was some sort of code for her people on the outside to call in a ransom on one of Matt’s turtlenecks loved ones. 

We definitely think the producers had to feed Matt Heather’s name, right? Heather says that Hannah shared with her some “stories about his heart” and it’s like, I don’t want to hear one more story about Matt praying before he eats a Costco free sample. Give me the dirt. Why don’t these people ever share stories about their friends having one too many at half-priced wine night and throwing up in their purse in the Uber ride home. Paint a realistic picture of their future partner, I beg of you!

I’m still just so shocked that Heather had the audacity to roll up here in her minivan halfway through the process. The logic is just not there. If Matt really wanted Hannah B to pick out a girl for him, he would not have gone on The Bachelor, he would have responded to the group chat.

 

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I love that Heather thinks there’s any chance in hell those girls are going to let her sit on that couch with them. Before she can even get out her name, the girls immediately start coming for her throat and it is BRUTAL. They’re freaking vultures. *turns the volume all the way tf up*

PIEPER: Sounds like you’re Bachelor hopping. 

Okay, Pieper. Like you aren’t going to swap fluids in Mexico with half of Bachelor Nation once this is all over. Please. Also, PIEper is clearly taking out all her lifelong anger over having to spell her name like that into this 20-second interaction with Heather. That’s the only cause for this much hostility. 

Matt also cannot believe that Heather had the audacity to roll up here in her minivan halfway through the process. He must have said the word “minivan” at least three times in the last 30 seconds. Yes, it was a real sacrifice, Matt. Her Instagram brand will definitely suffer. 

Heather keeps saying how serious she is about this process, but Matt doesn’t seem to be buying it. I’m sorry, but did no one show him her quarantine footage?  She Rapunzel-ed her hair out a window for him! She practiced making out on her hand for him! How is that not commitment? 

Matt must sense that if he entertains this Heather thing for any longer, he might find that Pieper’s people have destroyed the necklines to all of his favorite turtlenecks. He’s got to put an end to this ASAP before anyone else gets hurt. He tells Heather goodbye and she seems way too upset about this. It’s okay, sweetie. I’m sure he’ll catch you on Raya in a few months when he’s single again! 

Going into the rose ceremony, Matt makes a speech commending the ladies for how they handled Heather’s presence this evening. I’m sorry, but what exactly is there for him to commend? They made her cry! Middle school girls locker rooms are less toxic than what just took place on my screen. 

Speaking of toxic, at the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Chelsea and Serena C.

Matt just lost about 10 pounds of negative energy now that Serena and her eyelash extensions are gone. I could not be more thrilled. Justice for Dildo Girl has been served!!

Serena’s One-On-One Date

Even though Abigail and Jessenia are the only girls who haven’t received a one-on-one with Matt, he invites Serena P on the first one-on-one date of the week. Yikes. He says that he chose Serena because it’s the perfect date for them as a couple. First of all, tantric yoga? Seriously? This might have been the perfect date for Dildo Girl, but not for the girl who just visibly cringed at the sight of you in cropped leggings. Second of all, who would ask for this?? Just because you say things like you believe in “chakras” doesn’t mean I’m buying that a girl doing splits on your face has anything to do with your emotional growth as a couple. I’m already wishing I could pour bleach on my eyeballs.

Ooof, Serena is not into this. She says this was way outside of her comfort zone. I love that this girl says she’s not into public affection but signed up for a show where the camera man is contractually obligated to zoom in on a man’s fingers inches from her labia. Matthew, HANDS!!

Matt is visibly upset that Serena isn’t enjoying his date, and I have a feeling Serena could be going home for this. All because she didn’t like having to avoid eye contact with his chubby for the last 90 minutes. Shame.  

Well, it appears true love can conquer all, even a grown-ass man wearing Lululemon. The evening portion of the date goes way better for the two of them. Matt realizes that just because a woman doesn’t want to poorly reenact the kama sutra in front of God and Ashli the tantric yoga instructor, that doesn’t mean they aren’t compatible as a couple. Serena gets the date rose, securing the first spot in the hometowns lineup. 

The Group Date

The group date this week is strange because there appears to be no actual activity tied to it. Instead we’re dropped straight into footage from the cocktail hour, making it less of an actual date and more of just Matt making out with girls in different corners of a hotel lobby. So, basically, what he was doing before he became the Bachelor. It’s sweet that he’s going back to his roots this week. 

The most shocking revelations during the date come from Bri and Kit. Bri confesses that she had to quit her job in order to continue on Matt’s season. I may or may not have let out a strangled gasp at that proclamation. We aren’t told what exactly her job entails, but the internet is speculating that it’s a big f*cking deal. I can’t believe she resigned from her job during a global pandemic, when unemployment is at a historic high, for a man wearing a turtleneck and a ladies leather jacket. Bri, honey, whyyyyyyyyyy?

Kit is also full of confessions this week. She lays down some ground rules for Matt and one of those is that if he wants to get engaged then she needs to… finish school?? Okay, she is too young for this show. She just said that having kids by 25 is a long-term investment for her!! Those are words that came out of her mouth!! MY GOD, the Disney Channel has older talent on their roster! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! 

 

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Kit ends up self-eliminating after the group date. She says it’s because she still has doubts about their relationship, but I have a feeling her famous mother would disinherit her if she allowed an ABC production crew into their home. Not for COVID safety purposes, but just like, primetime television? In this house? Ew. 

Next up on the chopping block: Abigail. If I’m being honest, Abigail has been struggling for weeks now. She hasn’t had very much alone time with Matt and even admits that they’ve only ever had “a few good conversations.” Yikes. That’s practically Bachelor code for “friend-zoned.” 

She asks Matt straight up how he’s feeling about her and he all but jumps at the excuse to send her home. Trash. TRASHHHHH. 

ABIGAIL: I’m the kind of girl who makes men realize they want someone else.
ME:

ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS, MATTHEW? I WOULD GO TO WAR FOR THIS GIRL. Abigail is truly too pure for this Earth and she’s got me in my feels with this exit interview. He keeps sidelining these down-to-earth, authentic women, in favor of girls whose resumes include things like “has swipe up capabilities on IG” and it’s making me sick. That said, Abigail, I know this hurts, but you just dodged a bullet, girlfriend. His jacket literally squeaked when he hugged you goodbye. 

Rachael ends up getting the group date rose, but the real winner is the camera work being done here. The losers look completely crestfallen, like the producers just asked them to choose between deleting their Instagram accounts and staying on the show for one more week. They keep panning between the losers, sitting dejectedly on the sofas, and Rachael and Matt trying to swallow each other’s faces in the next room. It’s just so…

Jessenia’s One-On-One Date

It’s crazy that Jessenia is an actual contender for hometown dates because all I know about her is that MJ once gave her two for flinching. Like, I just learned the proper spelling of her name this week. This is a problem. 

Okay, I would hate dating Matt. He says “I’m an adrenaline junkie” with far too much chaotic energy for my liking. I’m not even on this date and I’m already about to update my life insurance policy just in case. Jessenia, on the other hand, is thrilled. She’s like, “this is what life with Matt could be like!!” Yeah, a series of near-death experiences and premature aging. 

Also, does this feel like the kind of date they should be on right before hometowns? How does watching a girl wreck the sh*t out of a fancy car tell you anything about if you’re ready to meet her family? It just feels super shallow and superficial to be having before such an important week. Case in point: Jessenia starts talking about her family, and you can tell Matt is super uncomfortable. He’d like to go back to the part where he had her spread over the front of that car. 

God, he loves to dangle those roses in front of their faces right before actively not giving them out. It’s sick. He’s like, all but caressing Jessenia’s face with it and then he’s like PSYCH!! YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!! Look, I’m not saying these are indicators for sociopathic behaviors but I’m not not saying that either…

Honestly, we should have known he was going to send Jessenia home when he showed up to dinner wearing a sweatshirt and not a turtleneck. Really, he couldn’t have been more obvious. 

The Rose Ceremony

Going into the rose ceremony, there are only three girls up on the chopping block: Michelle, Bri, and Pieper. Personally, I would love to meet the woman who thought it would be cool to mutilate the spelling of “Piper” for an entire person’s lifetime, and so, would selfishly would like Matt to choose her if only for my own entertainment. It’s really what he’s here for anyway. 

I guess I’m not meant to have nice things because Pieper is going home, making our final four: Michelle, Bri, Serena, and Rachael. Okay, I LOVE that Pieper says nothing to Matt on her way out, just barrels right into that limo. He’s lucky this girl doesn’t have access to his home address because I have a feeling he would come home to find his belongings ablaze if she did. 

And that’s all she wrote, kids! Hometowns are next week, and I can’t wait to see what the ABC interns are able to craft up as a representation of a hometown since traveling is still out. Here’s hoping we get more “New York-style pizza” from the Sbarro’s down the street and another papier-mâché carnival cobbled together with rubber cement and the crayons they found at the hotel’s lost and found. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @bachelornationspoilers /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)