Onto another thrilling week of Pretty Little Liars. I mean seriously, when does this show fucking end already? I feel like at this point I’m just a dying dog praying for a fucking mercy kill. End this goddam show so I can move on with my life and onto Game of Thrones, I beg of you.

AT ROSEWOOD PD

No one knows what crawled up Rosewood PD’s ass and made them decide to become actual enforcers of the law, but it really makes me uncomfortable. Like, bring back Wilden.

Spencer is getting questioned by a detective and he’s like “do you remember the night you went to Radley?” and she’s like “oh the night I fucked your boss in an elevator? That night?”

He keeps asking her questions about that night and she just keeps screaming “I DON’T RECALL.” This cop is looking at her like, could you keep your Tourettes under control for like one fucking second. This is the route Brendan Dassey should have taken.

DETECTIVE: Is this you in the photo at the Radley


SPENCER:

Meanwhile in fairy town lesboland, Emily is building a nursery for hers, Ali’s and some other dude’s baby. Ya know, typical doting parent activities. Ali tells Emily she can live in the house with her and Emily practically creams in her camo pants.

Ezra and Aria exist. Bummer, right? Ezra is trying to move along with marrying her and whatnot and asks her to take dance classes.

ARIA’S RESPONSE:

Spencer tells the Liars she got drunk and will probs get them arrested for murder. Weirdly, I’ve had similar conversations before.

The Liars freak out and eventually decide to end this illegal activity by doing another illegal activity. One door closes, another felony opens, amiright?

Hanna and Emily decide to break into Radley and get Spencer’s drunk receipt out. Emily knows the schedule because she was a shit bartender for five minutes and Hanna is just the worst daughter ever.

Ezra meets his and Aria’s book publisher to go over their upcoming press tour. Of course, all the questions are about Nicole because like, kidnapping by foreign terrorist—so hot right now. He’s like “but I’m engaged to Aria” and the publisher is like “yeah, about that. ¯_(ツ)_/¯”

Of course, Caleb can hack into the security system at the Radley. Why has no one suspected him of literally anything? He has fucked half the girls in the room and literally built half this town it seems like. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

The game starts to play and tells Hanna’s fat ass to go rob a computer store. AD also texts Aria and is like “lol jk it’s your turn you doe-eyed bitch.”

Hanna doesn’t want Caleb to go to the computer store with her and he’s like “but I wannnnnnnna!” Hanna literally cannot take a shit without Caleb being right there. I’m sure Caleb can even hack into the Rosewood sewers and see that shit float lazily into the pipes.

Hanna thinks she had something to with Spencer getting blacked out and getting them investigating for murder. She’s like “I broke up her relationship and that’s why she’s getting in trouble for murder!” and it’s like okay, yeah, but you also committed the murder. Idk, that seems like the real problem to me.

Spencer goes to help Emily with the nursery and is like “I think I’m just going to fuck the detective and see if he’ll give me a break.” Emily is tells her to get over herself and Spencer is like “UH, wtf. You live in a carpet munching dreamland. Idk what I’m even talking to you for—you’re a virgin who can’t drive.”

Ezra is torn about doing the media tour and Aria’s like “omg no it’s fine, please do it!” You know something’s wrong when Aria’s selfish ass doesn’t want to talk about herself.

Spencer shows up to the detective’s shit hole of a house and is like, “oh, you’re poor as fuck.” Seriously, does this police department need to go on strike? No wonder he wants to solve this case so badly—maybe he’ll get a raise and be above the poverty line.

She tries to take off her clothes and he’s like “the fuck bitch, put your cardigan back on.” She is acting weird AF, further solidifying my twin theory from last week.

She’s like “honestly, he died because he sucks.” Well, that sounds good enough to me. Case closed. Wanna go grab some pizza after this?

The detective has the weirdest boner from this vigil anti-murder thing she has going. He’s like “you can’t murder people” but also like “I’m gonna murder da pussy.”

DETECTIVE RN:

Spencer is like “can you stop being a cop for a second and let me get away with murder???!?” He’s like “we had sex once and now you want me to cover your murder?” I did not leave the Southside for this!

His phone rings and of course, he leaves her with all the evidence. And of course, she steals some. BECAUSE THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.

The Liars get together to watch it and see it was Lucas’ testimony the night after Charlotte’s murder. Lucas sells Hanna out and says he can’t be her alibi. He also says that she probs didn’t commit murder but her friends are fucking psychos and like, it’s not totally out of their character. All of the Liars are super offended by this, of course.

LIARS: How dare he say we kill people!?


LUCAS: Well, there was Noel. And Snaggle. And…


LIARS: I would really like to be excluded from this narrative. One that I did not ask to be a part of since 2009.

Hanna still believes that there is no way in hell Lucas is A. She goes on a tangent about how she loves her friends, and all the little birdies and the monkeys, and how they would never hurt her.

ARIA BE LIKE:

Hanna says that she has to deliver something to A at the school and Aria suggests they stake out the locker. No one knows about the locker, so mistake one.

Emily is shoving food and prenatal vitamins down Ali’s throat and Ali’s like “what the fuck climbed up your clam.” Emily goes on a rant about Ali leaving her and all this bullshit. Fuck, I hate this show.

Hanna gets instructions to drop off the hard drive at the computer store at the exact same time she is supposed to be robbing her mom’s business of evidence. Priorities, right? They decide to all split up so Hanna can complete both tasks.

Aria’s like “oh wow, huge bummer but my boyfriend has this thing to do, so I can’t come help you stop our stalker. My b!”

Mona shows up and is like “okie dokie! Time to play the game that can murder me!” like it’s a game of Candyland. Did her parents ever tell her they loved her, I mean seriously.

Hanna’s like “you can’t sit with us!” and Mona is like “I have literally saved your fucking life like 10 times, let me into the goddam group.” Hanna knows they can’t let her in because Mona wears hoop earrings and hoop earrings are Aria’s thing.

Ali and Emily are staking out the high school by literally not doing that at all. They are visibly standing in the hallway, having a full on conversation and miss the person who comes to the locker—aka their only job. They are going to be great parents. We all know which kid is going to fall into Harambe’s cage next.

They chase after “A” and then Ali gets shoved to the ground. Emily immediately shuts this shit down.

They go home early and Aria happens to be there, fucking destroying their nursery. She trips and falls like 80 times and Emily almost catches her.

Meanwhile, Ezra is at the book tour talking about how great Aria is, not knowing that she just smeared blood all over a changing table. Like, cool story Hansel.

Spencer, Emily and Ali are looking at the fucked-up nursery and they’re like, yo this is insane. Aria’s like “
hey, nice weather we’re having, huh?” Ali and Emily figure out that there has to be a second A because whoever did this knew they would be gone.

They are looking at the ground in the nursery and Spencer finds Aria’s fugly-ass earring on the ground. Just leave it there, it’s where it belongs. Spencer’s suspicious while Aria tries to play it off.

SPENCER, MONITORING ARIA:

Hanna is going through receipts at the Radley but can’t find Spencer’s. They only have 10 minutes to find it, so Caleb decides to break a water pipe and fuck up all the receipts.

The detective calls Spencer and is like “give me that stupid fucking hard drive you dumb bitch” and she’s like… “hmmm well, I got it at your house late at night. Should we tell everyone we’re fucking?” Spencer is the kind of girl who pokes holes in condoms.

The Liars corner Lucas, who is freaking out in his house. He says he didn’t know Charles was Cece who was A, and honestly, I get that. I still don’t know who anyone is on this fucking show.

He’s like “We stayed friends, but only through email! I didn’t know!” Catfish, accomplice to murder edition.

Lucas feels responsible for all of this because he shit talked all of them in his emails to Charles and now he’s like, trying to kill them. And she shaved off her head and I guess now she’s addicted to crack.

He’s looking for another book where vengeance is turned into a game and they’re like “YUP there it is.” He says A took it before he can find it, because duh this isn’t amateur hour. They ask him how the book ends and he says it was never finished.

Hanna tells Lucas she believes him but asks why he is selling the factory and her company? He’s like, “well I’m broke and you’re a failure.” I paraphrase.

HANNA: What’s more important that your money?


LUCAS: You.


ME:

Lucas has been friend zoned so hard it put him in a new socio-economic level.

The Detective calls Spencer in and tells her about the flood at the Radley. He’s like, don’t worry, I’m still going to find out who the fuck did this. Time to start poking them holes, Spence.

Ali and Emily are having a romantic lesbian moment that weirdly doesn’t take place in Emily’s wet dreams. Ali tells Emily she loves her and it turns into a full on makeout scene. Ugh finally. I was getting tired of this bullshit.

While Aria starts crying, A starts finishing up the comic book while wearing leather gloves. Oh, so now A can draw too? Like really, how many skills does this person have?

I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?

And last week there was no episode so:

But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:

Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?

Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.

Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.

AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!

Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.

Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.

Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.

Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.

God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.

THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW

Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)

Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.

Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?

They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?

HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….

They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?

The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?

AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”

AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.

Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?

So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.

MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.

Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”

Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?

They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.

Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.

The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.

Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.

Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”

Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.

Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.

Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.

Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.

Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.

A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?

Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.

Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.

Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.

Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.

Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.

She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.

Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.

Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.

Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.

Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.

This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.

Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.

Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.

Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.

We’re only halfway through the final season of Pretty Little Liars and, in true Freeform fashion, it’s already a shit storm riddled with plot holes. In case you were living your best life missed it, the Liars are currently being tortured by a Jumanji-like game that forces them to do millennial Fear Factor challenges such as talking to your ex. The horror. Also, Allison is now pregnant with Emily’s baby. So there’s that. And those aren’t even the most ridiculous plot lines that have been featured on this godforsaken show. That being said, I have swallowed a lot of bullshit from Marlene King over the years in the spirit of moving the plot forward, and as the series comes to close I thought I’d talk shit air my grievances about every plot line that I just could not even with.

1. Ezra & Aria’s Entire Relationship

I’ll start with Aria aka the Liar with the most unfortunate wardrobe stylist. Let’s put aside the fact that a 16-year-old is fucking her high school English teacher in local bar bathrooms. (Where are the parents??) But eventually everyone finds out about this torrid affair and no one is like “hmm this seems slightly illegal and highly inappropriate should I, like, report this shit to the cops?” Instead, Aria’s parents are just like “do you kids need snacks? A condom?” I’m telling your rn if this took place in New York, Olivia Benson would not stand for this shit. NOPE.

(A deleted scene from ‘Pretty Little Liars’)

2. Spencer’s Pill Addiction

I love when Freeform subtly tries to take a stance on issues. Just say no to drugs, kids. Not teachers having sex with minors or being sexually assaulted by your step-sister or blinding your neighbors for looking at you funny, but drugs. That will really fuck with you. All that other stuff you can bounce back from no problem. 

3. The Underground Kidnapping

That one time A managed to single-handedly kidnap five girls from police custody and bring them to an underground bunker rigged with alarms and death traps. Single. Handedly. Tbh A’s cyber/kidnapping/medical skills are something I would imagine Olivia Pope would recruit asap to her gladiator group. A, you need to quit torturing high school girls and take your talent somewhere it’s truly appreciated. Like DC.

4. A’s Financial Status

How the fuck did A manage to come up with the massive amount of money needed to fund all of her schemes? It’s revealed the CeCe/Charles/Charlotte (I’ll get to this later) is actually A, but the only job A/CeCe seems to have throughout the show is a retail job at some nameless boutique. Bitch is working minimum wage and after taxes, rent, and credit card debt (I assume, look at that wardrobe) she still manages to somehow have enough money to spend on underground bunkers and medical benefits for her A Gang? Like, is Russia funding this too?? Marlene King, I demand answers.

5. Ravenswood

Ah, my favorite forgotten plot line. There were, like, ghosts and shit that were out to get Hanna because of course everything is about Hanna. So Caleb left the show to protect her but then came back with a bad haircut and a low-key drinking problem (sounds just like the summer after freshman year tbh) and no one talks about the ghosts and shit ever again.

5. The Liars’ Post-College Careers

Anybody else notice that these girls got extremely high-paying glamorous AF jobs right out of college? Like, not a shitty internship or a weird temp agency period among them. Nobody had to freelance or be a waitress at a sports bar for a summer while they save up enough money to start their blog or anything. Except Emily, of course. Flunking out of college and selling your eggs on eBay seems about right. 

6. And Furthermore, Who Would Give Alison A Teaching License?

Okay, this girl literally spent her entire high school career on the run from a vindictive stalker and you’re trying to tell me that not only did she graduate on time, but she convinced a college to give her an education degree? Also, is this not the same girl who liked blackmailing her friends to “feel close to them” and could eviscerate teenage girls with a single look? But, like, yeah let’s give her a degree to work with sensitive teenagers.

(How I imagine Alison responds to one of her students asking for an extension on an assignment.)

7. Ezra’s Novel

Lol. That one time Ezra pretended like he was only spying on a bunch of underage high school girls for the sake of his “true crime” novel. AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTED THAT.

Ezra:

Aria:

Me:

8. That Spencer’s Dad Is A Fuckboy

Well, it’s not totally unbelievable that he’s a fuckboy. He wears crew neck sweaters, has a high paying job, and emotionally sabotages any female he comes into contact with. So, like, I’d hit that. What’s most unbelievable is that not only does he cheat on his wife with anyone who has a vagina, but he cheats on his wife with his mistress’ TWIN SISTER and doesn’t fucking realize it. And I thought Tinder was bad. Also, who’s hoping that the series final reveals the biggest plot twist of all, that Mr. Hastings is the father of all the Liars?? Seems plausible.

9. The Adults of Rosewood

Not a plot line, just something I feel strongly about. While their kids are off hunting psychos in stylish red coats, I assume the parents of Rosewood’s finest dumbest are just like:

10. That Jason May Or May Not Have Slept With His Sister

Thought I forgot about this cluster fuck of a plot line, didn’t you? But no, I never forget an incest story—it’s too horrifyingly fascinating. Freeform really shit the bed when they realized that 4 seasons earlier they made Jason date his transgender sister Charlotte, which you would think would deter them from this awful transgender revenge reveal, but I guess someone in their office is cool with incest.

11. When A Was Revealed As CeCe Drake/Charles/Charlotte

Which brings me to this big reveal. I honestly just feel like the writer’s room was in a panic when they came up with this twist. That or they made a bet about how much bullshit PLL viewers would be willing to swallow. Which is apparently a lot since I’m here writing this article today. Sighs. I just felt like Charlotte’s whole reasoning for years of unrelenting blackmail and torture was a bit weak. Like, the entire premise behind the show was this: “I love Ali and you guys were a little mean to her one time SO NOW YOU ALL MUST PAY.” Which is actually how I handle all of my best friends’ breakups but that’s neither here nor there.

12. And Finally: Why Didn’t They Call The Cops After Episode One

I have so many questions for the Liars about this, but mostly I just want to ask them this one:

2 episodes in, only 8 more to go until sweet freedom from this horrible show that has consumed me for far too long. Lord sweet baby Jesus, expel these demons away from my television. Bring back Game of Thrones and let me regain my legitimacy in this world. Amen. Have I mentioned I’m Jewish, byeeeee.

WHODUNNIT: GAME VERSION

The girls are still trying to figure out who the fuck made this amazingly designed game. Ali suggests that it could be Jenna but the girls immediately shut that down because Jenna lives in a world of never-ending darkness. Truly, we lasted a two full seconds before the word “blind” came up. A round of applause for everyone involved!

Ali is like “well someone sold Jenna a firearm!” and it’s like girl, this is America. Every person has a right to a gun! Not their own body, but a firearm! God bless!

Hanna is very angsty rn. Han eat a snickers girl, you’re not yourself when you’re hungry.

Emily’s like “why does it feel like we’re still in high school!?” Well, because you live with your parents, you have no friends except high school ones, you live in the same shitty town and uh, you literally work at the high school. Idk just throwin’ ideas out there.

Emily is like “fuck this I’m out. I’m not playing this game!” and storms out in her cliché lesbo combat boots. Hanna pulls a Troy Bolton and is like “we need to all be in this together! Go wildcats!”

A reporter comes to Ezra’s house to ask about Ezra being reunited with his long-lost fiancée. Aria flips her fucking shit and started screaming “they are not getting married! Ever! YOU ARE FAKE NEWS!” Rosewood Inquirer spreading LIES after decrease in ratings! Sad!

Paige and Emily are talking in the locker room about Ali and their weird lesbo love triangle they have going on. Because the best place to talk about that kind of stuff is a changing room for little girls.

Some bitchy girl with a monotone voice is there listening to basically everything. Because again, she’s a student who actually goes there. Emily, after being highly inappropriate at work, decides to confront said bitchy girl, named Addison.

Like honestly these girls act like they would burst into flames if they had a shred of professionalism. Emily’s more concerned about an eyebrow raise from a 14-year-old than the serial killer out to torture them. #Priorities

If A turns out to be this pubescent fucking girl I am burning the Freeform studios to the fucking ground.

Spencer comes home and says her Dad has been avoiding her because they can only afford him for 3 episodes. Spencer is pissed because her Dad is a fuckboy and Spencer’s mom is like “it’s hard for him.” I’m sure it is.

SPENCER’S MOM: But your dad is popular


SPENCER:

Mona went through Hanna’s closet and offered dresses to the senator’s daughter. I’m convinced she is the reincarnation of ever overbearing Jewish mom ever.

Mona picks out a fugly-ass dress and Hanna flips out, saying that the Senator’s daughter can’t wear that dress. Mostly because it looks like a prom dress that a girl from a trailer park would wear.

Emily decides to confront the bitchy locker room girl, round 2. She is like “you cut practice yesterday! This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She kicks Addison off the lineup for the swim meet and in the distance you can hear me yelling “pick your battles!”

Ali and Em continue to talk about personal matters at school, and of course, Addison overhears them. Like, go to the teacher’s lounge. Emily gives Ali a very touchy hug, filled with gentle caresses and all, and of course you know that lil bitch Addi is taking photos.

The police chief/gardener from The O.C. comes over because he loves Spencer and he noticed that her roses out front are starting to prune. She tells him she’s Mary Drake’s daughter because her Dad cheated, etc. Nothing gets his dick harder than enforcing the law and girls with daddy issues.

Hanna is still freaking out over that fugly dress. Apparently Claudia helped her design the dress so it’s not fully hers. She’s hesitant to promote it but Caleb is like “pish posh! What’s the worst that can happen?!”

Me:

Addison tells Paige that she’s uncomfortable around Emily, because come on, she’s a lesbian. There are going to be girls in their bathing suits there. Then her mom called Addison’s mom. It was so retarded.

Side note, how can anyone take this Addison girl seriously when she’s wearing a purple cardigan that was ripped off the back of the nearest librarian? Like oooooh, tough shit Addison. What’s next? You going to exploit someone while wearing clogs?

Anyway, Addison tells Paige that Emily’s lesbian ways freak her out and that she “touches the girl’s legs.” She shows Paige a picture of Em pushing back Ali’s hair and threatens to go to the Principal. Paige manages to control her lesbian hulk “PAIGE MAD PAIGE SMASH” urges and says she’ll handle it.

Aria goes to see Holden to get her wedding menu done, even though the groom is like MIA. But that’s neither here nor there.

Holden decides to recruit her to cook with him because he’s busy. That’s like a doctor being like “hey random unqualified person, this is going to be a hard surgery. How about you put on some gloves and lend a hand?” I’m sure this is exactly what his clients paid for—Aria’s dumb ass handling their gourmet food.

She takes off her engagement ring to help cook, which like, bad idea.

MY BOYFRIEND WHO WALKED BY THE TV FOR .3 SECONDS: That ring is going to get stolen.

Ya heard it here first, folks!

Apparently Aria told Holden all of her problems because they are talking about her and Ezra. Like damn, didn’t you two just reunite last week? Like how long did it take Holden to catch up on this bullshit?

Holden is low-key team Ezra and asks if Aria’s been 100% honest with him. He’s all “we’re not that same as we were in high school” and she’s like, “see here’s the thing about that….”

Paige shows Emily the photo Addison took and Emily goes batshit, per usual. She wants to confront the girl again, because that seems to be working out for her so far.

Paige is like “hey guess what drama follows Ali everywhere she goes” and I think we can all agree that would have been a more effective name for this show. Paige decides to supervise practice to see what the other teammates say about Emily’s aggressive lesbian tendencies.

Detective Gardener is showing Spencer a bunch of bullshit about MD, who Spencer supposedly loves now. Suddenly, Jenna’s blind ass comes strolling in. They make her cane sound like a fucking omen. Like the shark from Jaws is about to attack at any point.

Jenna’s like “I can hear Spencer breathe. Hello Spencer.” Tbt to when Jenna shot her. #memories HAGS never change!

Also like, isn’t this bitch supposed to be cuffed? The detective is like “hey Jenna, how was being a fugitive? Take a seat. Can I get you anything? Condoms? A snack? God you make me feel young again.”

Jenna starts telling some sob story about how Noel took advantage of her and forced her to be his partner. And Jenna would know all about taking advantage. She’s tried to practically rape her brother like 10 times on this show.

According to Jenna, Charlotte had a lot of money and apparently some was supposed to go to Jenna and Noel. Idk, some dumb shit. Apparently Noel was MC Hammer broke and really needed that shit. It’s super hard being A on a budget.

JENNA: Crying


SPENCER/ME: BULLSHIT

Jenna sounds so fake rn. She’s like you should believe me because reason 1: I’m blind, reason #2:

SPENCER AND DETECTIVE:

Spencer goes to tell Aria about Jenna at the police station while Aria is still working in the kitchen. Like damn girl, you own the place now? Just inviting for friends over for fucking girl time? Aren’t you on the clock?

Spencer tells Aria that she wants to get to know Mary and forgive her. Like dafaq is this? Spencer, you’re soft AF.

Emily sees Jenna and the other 3 blind mice in the coffee shop they all damn near live at. Jenna sends a text message to someone at the same time Addison, who is sitting nearby, receives a text message. In Emily’s junior college mind, there is no other explanation for this, they must be working together.

Spencer’s parents decided to sell their house because Rosewood sucks. Yeah, I said it. Spencer is like THIS HOME FEELS DIFFERENT NOW. Fuuuuuucking dramatic much?

Spencer’s mom gives these whole speech about family and love and Spencer is not having it. Whatever, I’m over Spencer’s whining. If I wanted to hear a girl with hideous bangs bitch about their family problems I would go hang out at my local Supercuts.

Aria gets sent an article of Ezra and Nicole cuddling and being reunited. She storms out of the kitchen and Holden’s like “omg this is so awkward.”

Mona and Hanna are discussing the fashion stuff at the Radley, the world’s most chic mental hospital. Of course, we hear the cane in the distance and we all know Jenna is coming in to fuck shit up. And what do you know, she’s wearing Hanna’s dress design in white.

Mona confronts her about the dress and Jenna is like, “suddenly, I can’t speak.” What, you mute too, bitch? Mona turns to Hanna asks WTF and Hanna dips out.

Emily wants to break into Spencer’s house to play the game, like all friends do. She thinks Addison is a pawn in A’s game. Ali gently reminds her that Addison is a little kid and it’s like, and? A has been trying to kill y’all for years. Suddenly a kid is involved and they’re like “wow this is so wrong.”

Emily is worried that if she doesn’t play the game then she’ll have to tell the principal she didn’t finish college. But like, you’re a swim coach. Is there a degree requirement for that? Besides, you went to a JC. It’s not like they have high standards. 

Ali’s like “ugh k,” and hands over the keys to Spencer’s house. Why does Ali have a key to Spencer’s house? How many lesbians are on this show? Am I watching a rerun of The L Word again?

Caleb and Hanna are spying on Jenna and sees that she sends her blind posse into the building where Hanna’s shoes are getting repaired. Usually when I say “this is the blind leading the blind” I’m talking about my drunk ass trying to take care of my drunk friends. Leave it to Freeform to make it literal.

Why is Jenna wearing an evening gown in the day time? And why would you even want that dress? I have so many questions.

Hanna goes into the abandoned shoe shop while Caleb, like the macho man he his, makes threats to the local disabled girl. She goes in to find her shoes and she suddenly gets locked in a cage? Does this place double as an animal shelter, I mean really.

Emily and Ali go to the game and find out Emily’s piece has been moved. They’re like “how could this have happened?” and it’s like, uh aren’t you the two who broke in here to begin with? Do I need to explain this to you more thoroughly?

The game shows them that Addison was actually getting high with her boyfriend while skipping practice. Where did they find this video of me from high school? Looks like her cardigan isn’t the only think that’s purple in her life! Get it?! I’ll see myself out.

Aria goes to see Nicole and has some candy in her hand. What is she going to do, poison her? One day in the kitchen and suddenly this bitch is already comfortable spiking the food. Before she can go in, Holden is there and stops her.

HOLDEN: Don’t do this


ARIA: *on her way to commit a felony* literally never tell me what to do

Back to Han who is filming the next R. Kelly “Trapped in the Closet” video at this shoe shop. She’s stuck in a cage and suddenly all the machines come on. She starts having a PTSD flashback to that time she was tortured and starts yelling for help.

She just kinda sits there and then A texts her. Okay, wait. She had her phone on her the whole time and didn’t call anyone? Did you PTSD suddenly make you unable to use your fucking thumbs?

Caleb comes in and gets her, while she just sits there in a catatonic state. Overall, lame show by A. Would not recommend to a friend.

Emily goes to confront Addison and starts yelling at her about how she was bullied and “do you think it’s cool to do alcohol and drugs” and other lame shit. Someone get this bitch a Xanax stat.

Paige comes in and is like WOW there is a lot happening rn. Paige says that an email was sent from Addison bragging about how she framed Emily. Addison swears she didn’t send that email, because she’s 15 and literally has no need for email ever, but Paige tells her she’s already in trouble.

We all know A be sending dem emails.

Holden apparently does stop Aria from doing something dumb and instead distracts her with pizza. He must have confused her with Hanna. He tells Aria to stop acting like a fucking psycho and give Ezra time. Holden seems great. Can’t wait for him to die or become A.

Emily gets a puzzle piece put in her staff locker and it’s like, damn A can you just fucking tell us shit? Gotta play all these games. A tells her in order to win the game she “has to be bad” and it’s like, are you hitting on me rn?

The girls put together parts of the puzzle and find that the puzzle is a map out of Rosewood. Even A is like, “damn y’all need to leave.”

Overall, wack episode. Waste of all of our time, tbh. I’ll tune in next week though a) because I get paid to do so and b) Holden. K bye!

Sorry povos, if you don’t have, like, a supreme cable package, you won’t be able to get your Bachelor franchise fix between seasons. Much like the Bachelor spin-off Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After?, twins Emily and Hailey Ferguson (from Ben Higgins’ season) have their own show now.

The show is on Freeform—which I guess is now officially the home of third-rate Bachelor spinoffs—so you could probably watch it online if you reallllly have to see this shit and have your mom’s cable login. The show is called—wait for it—The Twins: Happily Ever After? Really, Freeform? That was the best name you could come up with? There are so many twin puns you could make, and you went with the same exact title as Ben and Lauren’s spinoff? Actually, you know what, I’m glad you didn’t go with any twin puns. The world has enough of those as it is. But still. Are your producers that brain-dead that “Happily Ever After?” was the best they could come up with? If so, I’d like to apply for the role of executive producer.

You’d think that with a title that references fairy tales or some shit, this would be another dating show. But instead of the show focusing on something impossible for the girls i.e. finding love on TV, it follows Hailey and Emily as they attempt “adulting”. I mean, shit, they are 23 years old, you would think they would have some sort of a grip on things, but I guess the limit on their stupidity truly does not exist.

In the first episode, which aired last night, the twins move out of their mom’s house. Like, your mom just let you chill with her while you went on reality TV and had the occupation of “twin,” why would you even move out at all? You know these girls will never be able to so much as unclog a toilet or cook pasta (cheese or no cheese). Since the only job they can hold is that of “twin,” they’ll be testing random occupations out as part of the show. So like, think of it as the dumb poor man’s The Simple Life. 

Sidenote: Can they really not even pretend they have jobs as Instagram models or some shit? Do they have to display that they’re twins everytime they appear on screen, as if we can’t see with our own eyes? Furthermore, does Freeform really think anyone watching believes being a twin is a full-time job? Or even a part-time job? Fuck it, that’s not even an unpaid internship.

And don’t worry, Bachelor fans, Ben and Lauren already made a cameo in the very first episode, because I guess they’ve got nothing else to do with their time than hang out with Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Don’t you guys have a wedding to plan? One that you’ve been putting off for like, over a year now? Also, Ben and Lauren, you guys seem smart. Ben is like, what, a transponster business analyst? What could these four possibly have in common, other than a hunger for C-list reality TV fame? I can’t imagine that when Ben and Lauren come through they do more than pretend to be friends with the twins for an hour shoot their scene and hightail it out of there and make fun of them the second they get home.

Anyway, I have to wonder, does this mean we can count the twins out of another Bachelor in Paradise stint? Meh, probably. They’re probably tired of getting hit on by douchebags and having to pick sand out of each other’s cracks. Can’t blame them there, though I would low-key live to see Chad insult them to their faces and have it go completely over their heads. Sigh. A girl can dream.