The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Off With Their Heads!

Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! It’s your lucky day, betches, because you’re getting two recaps in one. This of course has everything to do with convenience for you, dear readers, and nothing at all to do with me being so violently hungover from LDW that my stomach still turns if anyone even thinks the words “green tea shots” near my general vicinity. I do it all for you!

And I’m not the only one going hard for America. It looks like this week ABC stopped being polite and started getting real. Monday and Tuesday night’s episodes were truly wild. At one point I had the distinct thought that next the producers might let loose live tigers on the beach to eat them all alive. It would be a kindness at this point. 

THE BiP CAST MATES AT ANY POINT THIS WEEK:

There is A LOT to cover from the last two days so, for those of you looking for more of a highlights reel situation (the audacity), luckily for you, I got lazy. So without further ado:

Batshit Things That Happened That Were Only Mildly Entertaining

• Noah’s neck started to look like a Francesca’s clearance rack with the amount of delicate necklaces he’s accumulated
• Tituss Burgess took over as host and I’m not impressed (smite me, I dare you)
• Noah and Abigail’s love was rekindled (or at the very least, they have agreed to go back to being friends who politely kiss for the sake of roses)
• Tia lusted over Kenny
• Mari lusted over Kenny
• Demi lusted over Kenny
• Kenny lusted over himself for being a heartthrob for the first time since the original 90210 aired
• ABC threw a house party
Becca made the moves on Thomas

And now for the real dirt…

Hurricane Kendall: Continued

Monday night’s episode opens with Kendall returning to Paradise. For those of you newbies to BiP, Kendall and Joe met and fell in love on this very beach a few seasons back. I think I speak for all of us when I say her return is the most shocking thing to happen all season. And by “shocking,” I mean a producer orchestrated the entire scene to within an inch of its life. 

The first thing Kendall does is pull Joe aside for a “talk”, and it definitely feels like this conversation didn’t have to happen under such high stakes circumstances. Like, Kendall, whatever happened to getting blitzed on wine flights with your girlies, realizing three drinks in that you’re the last single one at the table and the only guy to get fresh with you recently had the hobbies of a stock photo person, drinking three more drinks, and then ending the night crying in a bathroom, scrolling through photos of your ex before finally finding the courage to leave a tear-stained voicemail on his phone that sounds suspiciously like Olivia Rodrigo song lyrics?? Be a normal person, okay!! You’re not better than us!

I can already tell that Kendall’s interference with Joe’s new relationship will have America wanting to skin her alive like one of her taxidermy babies, but honestly I’m on her side. Supposedly the reason they broke up was over logistics. He didn’t want to stay in LA, she didn’t want to move to Chicago. I’m getting the feeling that the breakup was a temporary move to prove a point, except neither of them caved. And yet here he is dating some Gossip Girl-named Gen-Zer who lives in a whole-ass other country. THE FACTS AREN’T ADDING UP, JOSEPH. 

Speaking of which, where does this leave Joe and Serena? While at first it very much seemed like Joe would like to have his cake and eat it too, in the end he decides to only pursue things with Serena. He admits that Kendall’s arrival is bringing up old feelings for him, but they’re done 100%, which is not really how he phrases it to Kendall, but okay pal. 

And look, it’s not that I’m rooting for Kendall, I’m just actively rooting for Joe to date someone his own age (hi). Sorry to all you #Jerena shippers, but that’s just the way the cookie is crumbling, okay!!

The First Rule About Influencing Is That You Don’t Talk About Influencing 

Every generation needs a Bonnie and Clyde, a hot couple to upend society and blow up their lives for our own entertainment. This season our Bonnie is a girl whose name is spelled like it’s a mistake and a guy whose love language is turtlenecks. Not really what we asked for, but if you’re looking for the end of civilization as we know it, I think it might start with any offspring spawned by these two (and, yes, I’m counting any Instagram couple accounts). 

Monday night we saw the return of Pieper. For weeks now, Brendan has been dogged by rumors that he and Pieper were dating prior to his coming to Paradise, and that he’s actually currently in a relationship with her. He, of course, denied the rumors and pledged his feelings to Natasha (if vague affirmations and minimal touching can be considered a “pledge”). Now we know that story was absolute bullshit. 

Pieper walks into Paradise and WITHOUT EVEN READING HER DATE CARD OR LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUMAN ON THE BEACH chooses Brendan for the date. Sus. Then we get to their date. Brendan is trying to play it off like the two of them just have some sort of instant connection. Meanwhile, Pieper is blowing their cover story to smithereens. 

PIEPER: Why are you acting like we don’t know each other? We’re dating. Here, let me say it 1,000 more times on camera. WE’RE DATINGGGGG.
BRENDAN:

And this, friends, is why you don’t enlist someone whose resume is just a link to their TikTok to assist you in your grift. 

Okay, these two are both garbage monsters who deserve to be banished to a remote cave until the end of their days. Why did they do this? For followers? An Us Weekly spread? A free trip to a mediocre Mexican resort with no air conditioning and a bartender whose “official training” included two hours of liking things on Pinterest? I repeat: I. don’t. get. it. 

And what’s worse than Brendan’s betrayal of Natasha or their outright disrespect for the fandom is how supremely bad they are at controlling their own narratives. Brendan fully admits to Pieper that he manipulated Natasha into keeping him around so he could wait for her to show up. He says this ON CAMERA. Like, do they understand they’re being recorded? Just because you yell “cut!” doesn’t mean the cameras have stopped rolling. 

And then there’s Natasha. She has been so chill and mature throughout this whole thing. I just really want her to give herself permission to set something ablaze. Instead of acting petty or starting hurtful rumors, she goes straight to the source. She asks Pieper outright if they were dating already and Pieper is like “yeah, but it’s not like we even made a vlog about it yet, so what’s the big deal??” A VLOG. It’s sickening. 

While Pieper’s confrontation with Natasha made me want to scream violently into the void, Brendan’s confrontation actually made me consider commenting on his mother’s Instagram to tell her, in detail, what kind of trash her son is. Did you raise him to behave like this??

Instead of coming clean or acting remotely remorseful, he chooses to emotionally bully Natasha into silence. I think at one point he says that he never had feelings for Natasha and that her own “selective hearing” is to blame if she ever thought that was the case.  

BRENDAN: She had no viable options other than me. I didn’t keep her from anyone here.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM: 

Wow, the producers really are trying to get this man killed. Brendan keeps acting like Natasha is not gorgeous and sweet and someone absolutely anyone with working eyes and ears would want to fuck. But by all means, continue to bury your IG stats alive…

More than anything, the thing that cements their fates is how obvious they are about their clout-chasing. The morning after their date, the cameras pan to them lounging in (what they assume is) a secluded corner. To the delight of the producers they then proceed to dissect their Instagram stats and predict how their fake love story will result in better magazine coverage and sponsorship deals. On camera. While talking directly into their microphones. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, listen kids. The first rule of influencing IS THAT YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE INFLUENCING. YOU IDIOTS. 

What’s most infuriating is that they seemingly get away with their scam. When Natasha voices her frustrations about the situation to the other contestants, they mostly ignore her. The guys even openly side with Brendan.

By Tuesday’s episode, Brendan and Pieper’s clout-chasing is barely a plot line anymore. Instead, the focus shifts to Chris and Jessenia’s relationship, where Chris is accused, tried, and convicted of the very same crime Brendan and Pieper are guilty of. 

Let’s set the scene: One of Tituss’ first decrees as host is to invite a chosen few to a “VIP” party off site. “VIP” feels like a strong exaggeration of the vibe, given the high school gym setting and middle school dance flashbacks the scenery evokes. They might as well play Usher’s  “Yeah” and see how long it takes for these boys to pop an accidental boner in their khakis.

Side note: to emphasize the fact that ABC is done talking about the Natasha/Brendan/Pieper storyline, they don’t even invite our queen to their sad little house party. Like, if anyone on this planet deserves a drink rn…

NATASHA NOT GETTING INVITED TO THE VIP PARTY: 

The party creates maximum chaos for Jessenia and Chris. I wasn’t far off earlier when I mentioned ABC producers’ inclination to throw live tigers at these people. Sub out “tigers” for “random hoes” and the effect is about the same. That’s right, the moment the party begins, four new girls arrive on the scene to shake things up. Chris immediately hits it off with Alana, whom we are told is a person who was on this franchise at some point in her life. Seems fake, but okay.

Even though Alana has been in Mexico for less time than it takes to go through airport customs, Chris decides he’s in love and breaks things off with Jessenia. I tried to tell you, Jessenia. Never trust a boy with vocal fry. 

 

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Tbh, I barely even took notes during this section because it was so boring compared to the other drama that happened this week. But alas, this is what the people of Paradise choose to rally against. While Brendan and Pieper discuss which TikTok dance to use to debut their couple status, the rest of the contestants plan how to get away with Chris’ international murder.

Riley and Joe are at the forefront of this angry mob. Joe is talking like he knows people who could “handle” the situation. Just say the word, guys. Seriously. Say it. Though I appreciate them standing up for Jessenia, it feels a little hypocritical after Joe completely blew off Natasha’s concerns the night before. I mean, where is the outrage against Brendan?

Sure, Chris and Alana probably knew each other before filming. But I think it was more of a flirty crush and/or one-time hook up. I don’t think they were full-on dating like Brendan and Pieper clearly were. At the very least they gave a decent go at pretending to be strangers before the show. (Thank you for humoring us, btw). Their crimes feel juvenile in comparison. Chris is getting the backlash that Brendan and Pieper so clearly deserve, and it’s infuriating to watch. 

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Natasha gets the justice she deserves. Until then I’ll just keep refining my manifesto that warns against the dangers of trusting men in skinny jeans. TTYL!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Twitter (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Meltdowns

Presented by SkinnyPop

Happy Hometowns week, Bachelor fam! This is the fun part of every season where the lead tries to pretend that they might actually move to a town that only just got a Walmart last year. Lol, k. It’s LA or die, you aren’t fooling anyone! It’s also the most telling part of each season. Right now what we know about these women is only what they’ve shown us, and what they’ve shown us is that they probably have surgically enhanced bone structures and can contour within an inch of their lives. During Hometowns we get to see what their original noses looked like, meet the people who caused their deep emotional trauma that eventually drove them to sign up for a reality dating show, and find out who should start with their anti-aging skin care regimen right away. So, let’s get started then! 

Hannah Ann’s Hometown

Up first we have Hannah Ann’s Hometown in Knoxville. If you’ll recall, this is where all the modeling magic happens: from her parent’s basement in a town in Tennessee that is not Nashville. What fortuitous timing that she would look for “love” on a show where there have been multiple opportunities for her to work with brands who used to always pretend like they didn’t know Knoxville’s zip code. I can’t wait for her parents to whip out a scrapbook of all her past modeling gigs and watch Peter agree that, yes, Hannah Ann really does have the perfect face for an Applebee’s franchise. Carry on.

PROBABLY HANNAH ANN’S MODELING LOOK BOOK: 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that her dad works in lumber and she needs to see if he’s man enough like her dad. I’m going to go ahead and save you the suspense, Hannah Ann: he’s not. The man showed up to meet your family in skinny jeans, for Christ’s sake.

They go axe throwing before meeting the parents and I love that they immediately put Peter in a situation where he could get another serious head injury. He just got that bandaid off, you guys!! 

Also, how is axe throwing going to prove that Peter is man enough for her? This feels like a loose connection. In my experience, axe throwing is something drunk girls do at breweries to pass the time between drinking ciders and taking boomerangs. How does this prove he’s a man exactly?

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Will Ranger Rick (my dad) give Pilot Pete the axe tonight? 💥🪓 ♥️

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Peter was so enamored by Hannah Ann’s note during the last group date that he decided to write one of his own. His isn’t pink or scented, but it does say that he enjoys her giggle and that he loves that she has a name for every dress she owns. Oh, Peter. Those aren’t names she came up with herself! Those are brands she’s contractually obligated to mention at least once a date! 

Peter is introduced to Hannah Ann’s family, and I love that these people get so emotional every time they see their son or daughter on this show. It’s like they know they’ve been held hostage and they’re glad to see they’re in one piece. You know, if they consider “one piece” gushing over a man who sometimes refers to himself as “pachi.” 

I would like to see more of this house. Hannah Ann still lives at home, right? I just get the feeling that her bedroom still has Justin Bieber posters on it. I can’t wait for her to show Peter and admit that tickets to the Purpose Tour was the best 13th birthday present ever. 

A girl wearing more body glitter than an entire Hannah Montana concert and a star necklace straight from Delia’s 2005 accessory bin asks Hannah Ann if she’s ready for marriage and THIS is how I know Hannah Ann is too young for marriage. Who are these people she associates with?? 

Peter sits down with Hannah Ann’s mom and I love how unsure she is about him. She’s like “where is your relationship at?” Well Mrs. Sluss, she’s one date away from getting f*cked by him in a three-star hotel, does that answer your question? I mean, sure, that’s not a great look, but your daughter also thinks she’s going to be a supermodel because the manager at Kohl’s told her so once. This isn’t the worst idea she’s ever had. 

PETER: I think I’m in love with your daughter.
HANNAH ANN’S DAD: I would ask that you just not. 

AHAHAHAHAHA. I WOULD ASK THAT YOU NOT. These are things that I say when my Uber driver tries to speak to me, these are not things you want your potential future father-in-law to tell you on your first meeting!! It’s not looking good for you, Peter!

Oh sh*t! He said “I’m falling for you” anyway! On their family porch and everything! Is nothing sacred to you, Peter?? 

Hannah Ann’s father after hearing Peter express he’s falling in love with her 2 seconds after he told him not to say it unless he means it #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/75ZctY9fIy

— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) February 18, 2020

Kelsey’s Hometown

Kelsey’s up next and she tells Peter that he better be ready to get “down and dirty” in Des Moines, Iowa. I’m not sure what this means, but I can’t wait to see what she and the Iowa tourist board have come up with to make this place seem interesting. 

Of course Kelsey’s date involves alcohol. God, I love her. Kelsey paints a picture for Peter that makes Iowa sound like a mecca for art and culture and a place known for its wine-making. And here I thought the only things Iowa was know for were its corn mazes and f*cking us all over in primary elections. Huh. 

Part one of their date involves them crushing their own grapes with their feet, but it’s unclear as to what the purpose of this is. Surely they aren’t making their own wine with those grapes? Because the grapes on the vines in the background aren’t even ripe yet, so you know the ABC interns just filled that bathtub up with whatever the Des Moines Costco carried in bulk. 

Now i get why Kelsey went bonkers about the Champagne, she made it herself. 🤔 #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4tKtP1ocVE

— Katie Ann (@Kate50646534) February 18, 2020

Part two of their date takes them to a wine-tasting! They’ll be tasting various wines so they can make their own special wine to take to dinner at Kelsey’s parents’ house. Once again, Kelsey makes this all sound very sophisticated when in reality she probably just wanted to get day drunk with her boyfriend. I see right through you, girlie. She’s like “here’s a symbol of our love” and it’s a bottle of what I’m guessing is red moscato. 

Overall, I find this date to be very cute and I’m not just saying that because it’s inspired me to open a second bottle of wine tonight. I actually find Kelsey to be really genuine and sweet, but I just don’t think Peter is into her. Case in point: when Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, he doesn’t say it back. He even gave ole Ranger Rick a half-hearted “I’m falling for you” but he can’t give Kelsey the same?? Wow.

My first reaction when I see Kelsey’s family is that they’re beautiful and not at all surprised or uncomfortable about having a camera crew in their home. This doesn’t feel like the house of horrors she described during her one-on-one. How pissed do you think ABC is to find that her family found healthy coping mechanisms for their pain? Where are the broken dreams and blatant displays of abandonment issues? This is not the hometown date they were promised!

Peter sits down with Kelsey’s mother, and I can already tell you this isn’t going to end well. He’s talking to a woman scorned and she’s supposed to be impressed by a guy who wears skinny jeans and says things like “Barthelona” in casual conversation? Nah, I don’t think so. Drag his assssss, hunnie. 

Meanwhile, Kelsey sits down with her stepdad to hash out her feelings for Peter. She says she doesn’t want to get her heart broken again and this guy is nodding like a man whose biggest tragedy in life is that the Vineyard Vines President’s Day sale ran out of his size.

Guys, I feel bad for Kelsey! Peter leaves her with a very half-hearted “I love that you love me” speech and I just have a very bad feeling about all of this. Kelsey is so great! I mean, yes, there was that one time she took a bottle of red to the face and cried alone by a pool, but WHO AMONG US HASN’T DONE THAT. Do better, Peter! Do Better.

Madison’s Hometown

Next on Peter’s bus tour of America is Madison’s hometown of Auburn, Alabama! Madi tells Peter she’s going to take him someplace that’s really important to her, and I’m hoping for all of our sakes it’s not a bible study class. 

She actually takes him to Auburn’s basketball stadium where they play a little pickup game of basketball. How fun that she gets to take him on a date where she gets to do what she does best! If this were me, I’d have taken him to a bar to see how well he can mock and verbally spar with the other patrons. Some people are good at sports, others are good at alienating people—we all have our special talents! 

Peter meets Madison’s family, and I’m immediately alarmed by what her dad looks like. Is this the real Benjamin Button?? How can he possibly be old enough to have a child?? My alarm only grows when they all sit down to dinner. It’s announced that Madi’s family likes to do a fun thing called “the special plate” where they go around the table and compliment Madi. 

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Hit me with that special plate any day. #thebachelor (@kayyorkcity)

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Yeah, my family does a similar thing, but instead of showering me with praise and adoration it’s more like they berate me for my life choices until I’m rocking back and forth in a ball under the table. 

MADISON’S FAMILY: We cheers with sweet tea!
PETER:

Mtv Lauren GIF by The Hills - Find & Share on GIPHY

Okay, that is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I can deal with racist uncles and my grandma asking about my love life and my baby cousin announcing her engagement before I have a chance to announce that my dog likes to wear sweaters now, but I what I absolutely cannot deal with are dry family occasions. I won’t do it and you can’t make me!

So Madison IS saving herself for marriage?? What does that mean exactly? Like, is it a “just the tip” situation or is she the type that still wears maxi pads because she’s afraid of dishonoring the Lord by piercing her hymen with a tampon? I. need. more. answers! 

Oh, OF COURSE her dad’s name is Chad. He really looks like the Chaddiest Chad I’ve ever seen.

MADISON’S DAD: When you were a baby I prayed that one day you might find a husband.

Why do I feel like this guy has to think dowries are still a thing?

Peter says he loves Madison, and this is huge. He’s only ever said “I’m falling in love” not that he’s actually in love. I feel like if he knew the truth about her virginity, he would be singing a different tune… 

Also, I love that Peter thinks he’s on the same page as this girl. That basketball coach legit said Madi made the final four that year. THAT MEANS SHE WAS IN COLLEGE STILL THIS YEAR. You can’t be on the same page as a recent college graduate unless you’re learning that your email signature isn’t supposed to include an inspirational quote from Audrey Hepburn. You just can’t. 

Victoria’s Hometown

I love that they start the hometown date that production has teased as being the seventh circle of hell, with footage of Victoria’s adorable black lab. You know that was the only decent footage they could find of Victoria from that entire date. 

Victoria tells Peter she wants to show him the “charm” of Virginia Beach, and apparently that charm includes another musical number by none other than… Chase Rice?! Kidding! It’s just Hunter Hayes, but you can tell Peter is still traumatized because he’s looking around like he’s waiting for someone to tell him Victoria’s f*cked this musician too. 

Hunter Hayes starts singing “I don’t want easy, I want crazy” and that feels like the most fitting song for this date. 

PETER: In Spanish that song would be called I want loco!!

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Spotted, @hunterhayes! 🤩🎶 #TheBachelor

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After they part ways before the dinner portion of the evening, Peter runs into an old pal at the concert. How crazy and unexpected this is! I love how shocked Peter is to see this girl as if production didn’t plant her there by giving her Peter’s exact coordinates. He’s like, “oh my god you live here?? You guys, she lives here!!” In other news, Peter, the sky is blue!! Is your foundation absolutely shaking??

This friend of Peter’s tells him that she’s also a friend of Victoria’s and that Victoria can’t be trusted. What I don’t understand is why ABC is even blurring out her face? We all saw her exclusive on People.com this week. Also, this encounter tells Peter nothing really. If you’ve been following this scandal closely then you know Victoria has been accused of sleeping with the married men of Virginia Beach (among other problematic things). And yet, all we’re getting out of this friend is “don’t trust her.” I’ve been more descriptive in a Venmo request. Come on, Merissa, you can do better than that. 

Obviously this vague, but foreboding message still has Peter on edge even as he gets ready to meet her family for the first time. His anxiety must show because he takes one step out of the Uber and already Victoria is jumping down Peter’s throat about something seeming “off” about him. Uh-oh. Looks like Peter’s in another mood, Victoria!!

PETER: I heard this rumor that you break up people’s marriages in your spare time. Is that true?
VICTORIA: That’s offensive.
ALSO VICTORIA: But which couple did she say it was…?

Peter’s like “do you ever fight for anything?” and it’s like, Peter, she’s been fighting to get kicked off this show for actual weeks now. I thought you knew this! 

I can’t even take this argument seriously because all she does is mumble and cry. He keeps asking her to fight for them and she keeps telling him to leave. This feels like a clear sign that Peter should dump her right here and now. There is nothing redeemable about this girl, Peter!!

Okay, so wait. Did they just break up? I’m confused. Their argument ends pretty abruptly with Peter getting into the limo and leaving the date early. He doesn’t even meet her family! 

Back at his hotel, Peter says he’s really conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn’t like what he’s heard about Victoria from his own trusted source, but on the other hand he’d still like to f*ck her. I think this is what they call a “Sophie’s Choice.” 

Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel and I’m not surprised in the least. I’ve heard she’s familiar with the hotel scene in Virginia Beach…

She’s trying to convince Peter to give them another shot while at the same time neither confirming nor denying any of the rumors. She is a master manipulator, I will give her that. Meanwhile, Peter is bringing up some great points about how they have no communication skills and this relationship is definitely doomed in the long run. I still think he’ll pick her. 

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Love is blind! . . . . . . #pilotpete #themeshtv #podcast #mostdramaticseason #thebachelor #thebachelorabc #bachelornation #bachelormonday #willyouacceptthisrose #bachelormemes #bachelorpodcast #realitysteve #peterweber

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VICTORIA: I don’t even know. I can’t, like, let you go.
PETER: You literally told me to leave?

Yes, she did!! Also, why aren’t they talking about the accusations? There’s no mention of her mistress extracurricular activities, and I feel like that should be mentioned here.  

As Victoria leaves his hotel room she makes one final plea for Peter’s heart: she slips him a wallet sized nude picture of their WestWorld cosplay. Interesting choice. If she really wanted to catch his attention, perhaps she could have just answered his question directly, but this tracks too.

The Rose Ceremony

For the rose ceremony the ladies are, of course, meeting up at an airplane hangar. WE GET IT, ABC. He’s a pilot. Enough. I beg of you. 

Peter starts things off by saying that this has been a particularly rough week for him. He’s like, “some of you were able to give me a lot more than others, like an actually dinner with your family.” Whoaaaa. Low blow, Peter. Low blow.

HE CHOOSES VICTORIA! WHAT!!! My married friend who has watched approximately three episodes of this show ever just got up from my couch and said: “I’m going home to finish this bottle of wine, he deserves to die alone, goodbye.” GOODBYE. 

He legit looks so miserable giving that rose to Victoria. It’s like someone threatened to blow up one of those planes so he had to do it. Anything for the planes!

I feel so bad for Kelsey, oh my god. And he doesn’t even have a legit reason for it. He’s just like “I wasn’t there with you yet.” 

ME: 

YOU COWARD!! She said she loved you and you chose a girl whose past is sketchier than some of the clothing vendors on Amazon! Kelsey, girl, I would pour one out for you, but I know how much you’d hate that. Here’s hoping we see more of you!

And that’s a wrap for Hometowns, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Madison finally address the hymen elephant in the room and finally tells Peter her secret. I’m sure he’ll handle it with as much grace and maturity as he did all of those windmill jokes. Until then!

For more on Peter’s hometowns, check out the latest episode of Betchelor Center:

Images: ABC; Giphy (2); @thebachelor, @thebetchelor, @mydadwatchesthebachelor /Instagram; @tvgoldtweets, @kate50646534 / Twitter

The Most Ridiculous Job Titles In ‘Bachelor’ History

We’re just a few short days away from the premiere of Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor. Thank god, I was starting to get a little too productive on Monday nights. Get your wine and yoga pants ready, because the contestants have been announced (are three flight attendants really necessary?), the bar has been set high, and we’re ready for our annual Bachelor hiatus to end. I, for one, always love to see what new and inventive terms the contestants will come up with to mean “aspiring influencer”. (“Content creator”, anyone?) So, in anticipation of the new season, we’ve rounded up the craziest job titles from the past few seasons.

Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast

Season: Ben Higgins

When it comes to Tiara, I just need more details. What kind of chicken? Does she prefer nuggets or tenders? Is she a breast or a leg girl? Has she tried the Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich? And if not, can she even call herself an enthusiast? Does she, too, want a man to get her Chick-fil-A on Sunday like that contestant on Pilot Pete’s season? This job title leaves me wanting more, and I feel like it’s my journalistic duty to interview her and get all the facts about how enthusiastic she is about her love of chicken.

Daniel, Canadian

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Okay, I’m curious what exactly a professional Canadian does. I imagine they say “eh” a lot, play hockey, eat Canadian bacon, and love Justin Bieber, Drake, and Ryan Gosling. But if you have any other hypotheses about what it means to represent the entire country of Canada as your profession, without being the Prime Minister, please let me know your thoughts. 

Heather, Never Been Kissed

Season: Colton Underwood

This is a lie, I’m sorry. Heather, there is no way you HAVEN’T ever been kissed. She just wanted to top the virgin on the show and this was the next best thing. Or maybe she thought she was supposed to write down her favorite movie instead of her job? Either way, I’m not f*cking buying it.

James, Bachelor Superfan

Season: JoJo Fletcher

This was genius and I want to shake James S.’s hand and thank him. I can almost hear the gleeful screeches from groups of women at watch parties declaring him their dream man. An attractive single male who loves The Bachelor and can help me with my fantasy bracket? WHERE CAN I SIGN UP? Whatever happened to this guy anyway? Can we get eyes on James S. ASAP?

Alexis, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Season: Nick Viall

I, too, love dolphins and definitely wrote down “dolphin trainer” in elementary school as what I wanted to be when I grow up. But that was elementary school, and not on national television. And I can’t help but feel like I need an update on the status of Alexis’s aspirations. Going on The Bachelor brought her nowhere closer to achieving that dream—probably further from it, to be honest, since we realized she can’t even tell a dolphin from a shark. But she does have her line of hoop earrings, so she has something, even if that something is not dolphins.

Tony, Healer

Season: Kaitlyn Bristowe

WTF does this even mean? Is Tony a “doctor” that focuses on natural remedies? Is he a therapist? Is he just like my manipulative ex-boyfriend who claimed he was a “spiritual healer” which actually just meant he would bully people until they broke down so he could build them back up? Whatever the case may be, Tony definitely sounds like he did a lot of drugs at Burning Man and just declared himself a professional healer in the middle of the Nevada desert. He kinda looks like he just escaped a fire, so maybe he should use some of that magical energy on himself. Has he ever actually healed anyone? Also, what insurance does he take? Inquiring minds need to know.

Rachel, Unemployed

Season: Ben Higgins

Honestly, props to this girl for being honest. She’s not trying to make us believe she’s anything other than what she is. Look, the girl is 23, of course she’s unemployed. These people who come on here at age 22 and say they own a business are just liars. I guess this was before we could all just call ourselves influencers, so good for her. Respect, Rachel!

Jonathan, Tickle Monster

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Yeahhh, “tickle monster” sounds like a bootleg Sesame Street character, not a profession for a 31-year-old man. Jonathan is like that lingering guy at the bar who does not get the hint when you tell him you “have a boyfriend” that it means you’re not interested, forcing you and your friends to move to the other side of the bar. If an adult man ever tried to tickle me, I would call the cops, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Lucy, Free Spirit

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like people who are actually free spirits don’t declare themselves as such. It’s kind of like calling yourself a hipster. Lucy probably just did acid at Coachella one time while wearing a flower crown, and here we are. I’d love to see her these days, because I have a feeling she realized that she needs money to live, and has a boring job like the rest of us. Being a free spirit isn’t so cute when you can’t move out of your mom’s house.

Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Please always remember that before Evan married Carly and had two kids with her that he was an erectile dysfunction specialist. I mean, this is just incredible. He’s basically advertising his sexual abilities via his job title. Like, he literally specializes in guys not being able to perform, implying that he’s an expert in it, and I admire that. Even if it’s not true, which it probably isn’t, you’ve only got one shot on this thing (unless you’re Chris Bukowski) so why not lay it all out on the table? Of course, he still has his ED clinic, and has recently been in some legal hot water over making misleading claims.

Hayley & Emily, Twins

Season: Ben Higgins

I will say that even though “twins” is not a real job, Haley and Emily might just be the closest thing to professional twins this world has ever seen. I mean, they were a package duo even on Paradise, and even tried to have a spin-off show that just focused on them being completely incompetent at life. Most twins I know didn’t even want to attend the same college, so I guess I respect Haley and Emily leaning into their one strength.

Lucas, Whaboom

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Lucas, your dumb little catchphrase was an embarrassingly overt attempt to make sure you got your 15 minutes. Now, I get that all of these people must want their 15 minutes, or else they would go on a dating app and not a reality TV show, but Lucas didn’t do it very deftly. Frankly, I’m annoyed that the producers even humored him by casting him at all. The fun of watching The Bachelor is pretending that all these people are there for the right reasons and not to become Instagram influencers, even when we know they’re all going to become influencers anyway.

Kelly, Dog Lover

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Honestly, I’m a huge dog lover, so this is my dream job. Although it’s not exactly clear how one could make a living off of loving dogs, because if you could, every single person on Instagram in 2019 would be a millionaire. Kelly, tell us your secret! We could solve world hunger! If I had to guess, I’d say Kelly walks dogs sometimes and maybe even started an Instagram for her parents’ dog, and it has 700 followers to date. Chase those dreams, girl!

Kamil, Social Media Participant

Season: Becca Kufrin

Kamil, I hate to break it to you, but we’re ALL social media participants. You might as well have put “human man” as your job title. He is definitely the guy who has a passion for starting Twitter wars with strangers on the internet. Or maybe he was just getting a head start on his post-Bachelorette career, which doesn’t appear to have worked out too well for him. 

I honestly don’t even understand the point of giving the contestants job titles at all, considering half of them are fake and all of them just want to shill weight loss tea. But at least it gives us entertainment and extra fuel for our roasts.

Images: ABC (15)

Evan Bass’ Legal Troubles Are Low-Key Hilarious

Remember when Evan Bass and Carly Waddell were the height of Bachelor fame? Yes? No? Only because you’re still talking through the hot tamale abomination that was their first kiss with your therapist? Same. Well, buckle up friends, because it appears not only is Evan Bass a horrifying kisser, but he’s also in a crazy amount of legal trouble. 

Still the stuff of my nightmares.

For those of you who don’t remember, Evan Bass was on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, where producers tried to spin him as a catch because he ran a medical clinic. What made it really hard for them to accomplish this was the fact that he runs an erectile dysfunction clinic, but also has the personality of someone who makes genitals shrivel up and die. After The Bachelorette, he went on to Bachelor in Paradise where he attempted to woo Carly Waddell by pretending to be physically ill in the hopes that she would pity date him. And they say all the good ones are gone! What’s crazy is that the two of them actually ended up engaged by the end of the season, and have since then gotten married and somehow managed to spawn two children together. Just thinking about Evan Bass and nudity sends a swift chill down my spine, but whatever works for you, Carly!

But recently, Evan has done more than just manipulate women into dating him—he’s also manipulating the men of Nashville into believing he can solve their impotence problems! According to TMZ, new legal docs show that the BiP star just paid a chill $150K to the Tennessee Attorney General for allegedly making “misleading claims in advertisements” for an erectile dysfunction clinic he owns. The documents claim that Evan and his clinic allegedly sold erectile dysfunction and other men’s sexual function treatments through “multiple widely-disseminated, deceptive marketing campaigns” as well as had advertising that “misrepresented the efficacy, suitability, cost, and administration by doctors of its sexual function treatments.” Tbh I’m more upset that the article refers to Evan as a “hunk” than the fact that he conned men into thinking their penises would work again, but fine. 

The lawsuit lists all of the alleged “deceptive” claims made by the clinic in their ads. Apparently the clinic “repeatedly claimed” in TV, radio, and print advertisements that it “would be able to solve or fix erectile dysfunction even after just one visit” even though this “was not the case.” Lmaoooooo. This is hilarious to me. Evan is a man whose OWN WIFE has gone on national television and said that he gives her erectile dysfunction, and the men of Nashville somehow believe he can give them long-lasting erections and a newfound sense of virility? What else do the men of Nashville believe? That Jeffrey Epstein actually killed himself?!

Let’s be clear: Evan has admitted to no wrongdoing, however, he has agreed to pay the $150k and promised not to repeat the claims in order to make this whole thing disappear. Now, I’m not an attorney, but I’ve watched many episodes of Judge Judy, and this feels like a clear admission of guilt to me. I, mean, it’s not like he’s paying that massive sum out of the goodness of his heart. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be here waiting for his Notes App apology to drop on Instagram. Until then!

Images: Giphy (2)

ABC Is Choosing To Be Boring With The New Bachelor

After weeks of speculation, ABC revealed last night on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise that Peter Weber, the lovable pilot from Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette, will be the new Bachelor. My reaction resembled that of my parents when I failed my driver’s test by backing into a pole while parallel parking in my instructor’s car: not mad, just bewildered disappointed. After shocking many loyal viewers by choosing Hannah as the Bachelorette, I was hoping the bigwigs at ABC would pull something similar with this year’s Bachelor. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to quit their addiction to mediocre men and went with the safe choice, once again shying away from a lead that might spike controversy or (heaven forbid) a cultural conversation.

He’s Slightly Sketchy

Peter caught some flak this summer when it was revealed by his ex-girlfriend that he dumped her shortly before Christmas, presumably because he found out that he’d been cast as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Opinions differ as to whether the show had anything to do with the breakup, but Peter himself has insisted that his casting occurred months after he parted ways with his ex. Even if we suspend all disbelief and take him at his word, his characterization of the breakup in the People interview is not consistent with the one he gave us on The Bachelorette, particularly during his hometown date, where his parents and brother recounted his most recent heartbreak in a way that gave me Blake-crying-on-his-mommy’s-shoulder vibes. While breakups are usually sad for both parties, the dumper does not usually come away disillusioned at the prospect of finding someone to love again, hence the dumping. We can all agree that Peter’s transgressions pale in comparison to those of dog food jingle lyricist Jed, but he’s not quite the wounded bird he’d like us to think he is either.

He’s Safe

bachelor peter

One important detail Chris Harrison forgot to announce last night when naming Peter as the Bachelor is that he’s already been The Bachelor. It was four years ago, his hair was darker, and his name was Ben Higgins. In all seriousness, it’s pretty clear that ABC is trying to recreate the ratings magic they had with nice guy Ben by bringing in a shiny new version. To be fair, there is nothing objectively wrong with either Ben or Peter. They’re both mild-mannered, sensitive and steadfast guys. The problem is that their best qualities are the same ones that come to mind when looking to purchase a family minivan. While comfort, reliability and safety are wonderful, I’m not really attracted to a Chrysler Pacifica. In light of recent events I knew we wouldn’t get my first choice Tyler, but I still can’t help but feel that ABC isn’t sending their best. We need a man with an edge and/or some undeniable sex appeal, and someone that still lives at home with his parents isn’t it, no matter how many condoms he has in his center console.

He’s (Yet Another) White Guy

It’s no secret that the Bachelor franchise has a race problem, but it’s a fact that bears repeating. In the more than 17 (!) years that this sh*tshow has been in the cultural zeitgeist, we have had one black female lead and no black male lead. It’s. Time. One could argue that we’ve had several great candidates in years past, especially when we see what passes muster to lead this dumpster fire year after year, but it’s pretty hard to deny that Mike Johnson from this year’s season of The Bachelorette would have been an excellent choice. Kind, charming, successful, smart and handsome, Mike was and is the full package (and Demi Lovato agrees, so don’t @ me). For all those who say he was “boring” on Bachelor in Paradise, kindly refer to my previous paragraph.

Even if Mike was boring on Paradise, I’m not totally convinced that his brief stint on the spin-off was the right litmus test. Mike doesn’t really exude f*ckboy like the Deans and Blakes of the franchise, so it’s possible he simply was not in his element arriving late into a situation where no one but the most boring and phony people were left (you know who you are). It’s true that ABC seriously botched the season with its first black Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, but refusing to engage in the issue at all kills any hope for future progress in dealing with race competently and compassionately. If they can handle a same-sex couple with grace, can’t they work towards doing the same with its contestants of color?

By choosing Peter, the franchise is making a conscious choice to remain stale. It’s not the wisest move for a show that’s been airing for so long that nearly every contestant has learned the rules and is out for fame. If ABC can’t find a dynamic and compelling lead from its usual crop of last year’s rejects, why not flush the format and let art imitate life by casting an actual celebrity? Not only do we reclaim the premise of an aspirational lead that the show was founded on, the contestants’ famewhoring can be repurposed and encouraged as a key element of the entertainment instead of an undesirable byproduct that must not be acknowledged. Until ABC hires me to consult on strategy (call me!), all I can do is hope to be pleasantly surprised with Peter, like I was with Hannah. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and watch, but if I see even the shadow of a windmill, I’m out.

Images: ABC; Giphy (3)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Garrett Is A Messy Bitch

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Hello, Bachelor fam, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! Yes it’s the week of July 4th and, yes, ABC had the audacity to air a new episode right in the middle of my family’s vacation. It’s fine, I’m only having to stream the episode on my phone from a diner down the street because it had better WiFi. IT’S FINE.

Now, when last we left off, Luke, like a cockroach after the rapture, had somehow managed to survive yet another rose ceremony even though he’s apparently very short?? Someone pointed this out in the comments a few weeks back, and now I can’t unsee it. It presents a major flaw in my argument that the only reason Hannah likes him is because he’s tall. In fact, upon further inspection, it appears not only is he short but he’s entire heads shorter than the rest of the men:

Entire ! Heads ! Shorter !!!!

This realization is warping my sense of reality as I know it.

Which brings us to this week: Hannah and the men are set to leave Latvia and this feels like a win for them. It’s been almost three weeks of Latvia and I didn’t think we’d ever make it out of that godforsaken country. Good job, kids! We’re told that they’ll spend the final week before Hometowns in the Netherlands. I can only assume they chose this locale for the Instagrams and I support the shamelessness.

Jed’s One-On-One Date:

The first one-on-one date of the week goes to Jed and his burgeoning music career, which I’m sure he’ll bring up the first chance he can get. I hope trading your soul to Mike Fleiss for a few measly iTunes downloads was worth it, Jed!

TYLER: He didn’t bring his guitar did he?

HE DIDN’T BRING HIS GUITAR DID HE. I’m truly living for this new, petty side of Tyler. If I didn’t love him before, I certainly do now that he’s delivering more shade than my mother complimenting any one of my IG posts.

It’s unclear what the purpose of their date is other than to catch footage of them looking like assholes in the Netherlands. Seriously, what is the point of this date? There’s lots of skipping and far too many Annabelle-esque toys watching them from street corners for my liking.

The two come across  a real live Dutch couple who seem both intrigued, and yet very alarmed by the reality TV show invading their homeland.

OLD WOMAN: Where are you from?
JED: English

Jesus f*cking Christ. First of all, Jed, butchering the English language like that clearly makes you American! Second of all, do we think once this season is all said and done Jed will show up after filming rocking a British accent and acting like he’s the long-lost fifth member of The Beatles? Who wants to start taking bets now?

I love that this old woman is questioning Jed’s intentions. It’s nice to know at least one person in Hannah’s life isn’t falling for his singer/songwriter bullsh*t. She’s like “you love her, yes?” and Jed looks like he’s about to mention how he might be on tour soon and won’t have a lot of time for a relationship.

Jed tells Hannah he wishes she would “open up more” and I’m almost certain he’s talking about her legs. Jed, you little rascal! Also, I think it’s rich that he wants Hannah to be more vulnerable with him WHEN HE HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME. Like, maybe you should open up about the fact that you’re a lying, cheating, McCheaterson mmkay?

His f*ckboy manipulation tactics are clearly paying off though because Hannah is still questioning herself during the cocktail portion of the date even though she’s the goddamn Bachelorette. In her interview aside Hannah is like “I know I need to own my feelings and that’s why I dressed like I’m about to win a debate in the primaries.” I paraphrase.

HANNAH: I knew I was falling for you when we were in that little market and you clicked your heels like that.

Ah, yes. How could you NOT fall in love with a stripper’s dance moves, amiright Hans?

Tyler’s One-On-One Date:

I’ll admit I didn’t watch most of the beginning of this date, because as far as I’m concerned Tyler is making it all the way to the end, and if he doesn’t then I’ll just be here waiting in the wings his Instagram DMs. Either way, I’m not worried about him, and can’t fathom a man who says things like “I’ll take you at your highs and I’ll take you at your lows” not making it to Hometowns.

There’s just no way!

From what I gather, the two of them are also on a pointless date where they just wander around aimlessly in a foreign country. Look, if I wanted to watch Americans dry heave after eating foreign delicacies I would tune into CNN’s coverage of the President’s trip to North Korea.

Okay, they are talking with their faces very close together. Like, far too close together for two people who just ate slimy fish. Okay, what does Hannah want Tyler to say exactly? She’s like “I want you to explain in excruciating detail the ways in which you pine for me” but, like, he already said he’s into you, Hannah! What more do you want from him??

Despite all of this, Tyler gets the rose and will also be joining Jed next week in Hometowns. I just hope Hannah gets all her vaccines before heading to Florida!!!

Connor Gets The Boot

Meanwhile, the men find out that Mike is getting the third and final one-on-one date of the week, and Connor looks like someone just stole his favorite eraser. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, Connor has the energy of a 12-year-old boy with a crush on his babysitter. Nothing about him says “husband material,” and everything about him says “I spend all my free time doodling Mr. Hannah Brown into my diary.”

He knocks on Hannah’s door in what I guess is an attempt to carve out some one-on-one time with her, but it feels a little too late for that. Oh god, his voice is warbling like he might cry at any second and I can’t watch this moving trainwreck. I CAN’T. *turns up volume*

CONNOR: I don’t always stick out in a crowd but I want to stick out with you.
EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA RN:

He keeps referencing their one-on-one date as the pivotal moment in their relationship and it’s like, kid, she literally tried to call out sick for it! Your sad handwritten Post-It notes meant nothing to her!

Hannah finally bites the bullet and sends Connor home—she doesn’t even wait for the group date. Savage. I do love that he was politely salty on his way out, (or as salty as a grown man wearing Sperrys and capri pants could possibly be). She’s like “I needed more time with you” and he’s like “yeah no shit…that’s why I showed up at your door to roast you about not giving me a one-on-one.”

Oh, Connor. Maybe you can share your favorite eraser with someone in Paradise. Keep your chin up, little buddy!

Mike’s One-On-One Date:

Of course the Bachelorette producers would send Hannah and Mike to The Hague, where they can dry hump in the very spot where global peace was once brokered. HAVE THEY NO SHAME? And since their shamelessness knows no bounds, they send Mike and Hannah to visit a Dutch artist for their date. They are instructed to paint each other and DEAR GOD if I have to witness another Carly/Evan body painting nightmare I will f*cking scream.

Okay, Mike is taking this painting activity way too seriously. He’s critiquing Hannah’s drawing of him as if his own work does not resemble the monster from Bird Box. Why do I have a feeling that Mike is the type of guy who considers it a good time to frequently visit Wine and Design and then critique the instructor?

MIKE: I love art
ALSO MIKE:

Mike tells Hannah that he sees her as his future wife and she visibly cringes. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of their date. Tbh I don’t see their connection at all. I mean, Mike is pulling out all the stops with her and she just doesn’t seem into it.

Cut to the evening portion of the date, where Hannah is patrolling the halls of the art museum and trying not to snot all over the priceless art pieces she’s sobbing so hard. Hannah’s gazing up at The Girl With The Pearl Earring as if the art is moving her and those aren’t tears of panic brought on by the thought of spending the rest of her life with a guy who calls her “queen” every other time he sees her.

Hannah shows up to the cocktail portion still sniveling, and it’s not looking good for Mike. Then again, Hannah is always crying at cocktail parties so maybe he thinks she’s just drunk again. It would be a fair assumption. Though she’s dressed like she’s headed to an enemy’s funeral, so that should really be a dead giveaway as to where this evening is going.

HANNAH: It’s over, Mike.
MIKE: I don’t know what to say except…thank you.

THANK YOU?! Did Mike seriously just thank Hannah for this experience? Wowwww. The devil works hard, but Mike is working harder for his spot as Bachelor 2020. Good luck with the campaigning, buddy!

The Group Date:

With Mike and Connor both eliminated, that leaves two roses up for grabs on the group date with Peter The Pilot, Garrett, and Luke. Once again, there appears to be no theme or planned activity for the date, just a discarded cheese plate and stilted conversations. It’s almost as if verbally sparring with Luke is the planned activity and whoever makes it out alive gets to go to Hometowns. May the odds be ever in your favor, boys!

Speaking of which, Luke starts things off by tattling on Garrett to Hannah and it’s like HOW can she possibly still want to sleep with him after this? To phrase it in Hannah’s own words: it is BEFUMBLING to me how he can continue to advance week after week. I feel like their conversations are similar to ones I’ve had moderating a fight between my two friends in seventh grade when they couldn’t agree on if they were Team Lindsay Lohan or Team Hilary Duff during the Aaron Carter debacle.

And you know what? Garrett isn’t really any better. I originally thought he’d go pretty far since he’s 1) hot and 2) also from Alabama, but I find him to be equally as psychotic. He’s getting way too much joy out of this drama with Luke when he should be focusing on Hannah.

Okay, this entire fight has to be scripted. These are not real words humans from earth say to each other. Case in point: no one says bologna that much.

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Just gonna leave this here… #thebachelorette

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Meanwhile, Peter is out here using all of the pilot lines in his arsenal. And you know what? It’s WORKING FOR ME. Even though Peter has definitely slept with 500 women and probably has his own version of the Derek Jeter “thank you for sex” gift basket (but it has like a little pair of wings in it and some mini bags of pretzels), he’s still coming out on top compared with these two psychos.

It works for Hannah too because she gives him a rose, which means now we’re down to Luke and Garrett. Luke pulls has one last card up his sleeve, and it’s the Jesus in the shower thing.

Hannah is nodding her head along to this story as if Luke isn’t literally describing having an orgasm in the shower. He saying things like “then I just let go” and “this is heaven” and it’s like WE GET IT, WEIRDO, YOU WERE JERKING OFF IN THE SHOWER.

Garrett takes the opposite route by regurgitating word-for-word speeches of past years about falling in love, but I feel nothing when he speaks. Like, he could be listing his grocery list for how impassioned this sounds.

It’s time to give out the final rose and Hannah looks distressed at her two choices. Perhaps she should consult her art again. She says she has to “go with her heart” which I guess means the man with a steroid addiction because Luke is the last guy going to Hometowns!

And on that note, I’m outtie betches! While it’s been fun furiously recapping on stolen diner WiFi, our time together has come to an end. See you next week for Hometowns!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @luke_parker777 /Instagram (1); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)

We Need To Talk About Jesus , And Other Things Wrong With ‘The Bachelorette’

The Bachelor franchise is not an easy one for a liberal, Jewish, feminist in her early 30’s (also known as me), to watch. A few obvious reasons for this: I am now significantly older than 99% of the cast (hey Mike, the only age-appropriate contestant for me—I’m single and you’re too good for this show). It’s quite clear that the majority of the contestants either voted for Trump, or aren’t aware that voting is a thing, and honestly? I just no longer feel the need to follow more aspiring influencers on Instagram. So I have truly had to tackle many inner demons along my journey to remain a dedicated Bachelor fan, and while it’s not something I am proud of,  it has given me material for the inevitable job interview question of “tell me about a time you had to overcome adversity”. But despite my relentless and at this point, involuntary dedication, this season of The Bachelorette has proven to be particularly difficult to get behind.

It would be easy to just throw all of the blame for this on Luke P., seeing as he’s truly awful. And it has indeed been excruciatingly painful to watch someone with such obvious sociopathic tendencies, extremely broad shoulders, and truly oversized thighs emotionally manipulate a naive ex-beauty queen. But, it’s not just his fault, or Chris Harrison’s fault for not even trying anymore (are we sure he’s not a robot?). I’ve had a few weeks and bottles of wine to think about what’s really wrong with this season and the overall trajectory of the franchise (six, to be exact), and why I just simply cannot relate to it anymore. And I think I’ve figured it out: it’s too young, it’s too into Jesus, and its contestants are too rehearsed.

Me to me while watching this season of The Bachelorette.

Twenty-Four Is Simply Too Young To Be Looking For A Life Partner

And I’m not just saying this because I am much older and still very much in search. No, I am saying this because clearly Hannah has not yet had enough sex life experience to know that she simply does not have to put up with the Luke P.’s of the world. Because if this girl had just lived through one or two destructive relationships, spent at least a year outside of her parents house in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and I don’t know, seen some sh*t, then she would have known to kick Luke P. to the curb the second he professed his “falling in love” on day two. I mean, has she even online dated? Has no one ever taught her to avoid guys that show interest too soon like I avoid anyone who has “moderate” political beliefs on Ship the plague?

Befumbled is not a word, and 24 is not an appropriate age for the lead of this show.

Jesus Is Getting The Final Rose

I know it’s not new for Bachelor/Bachelorette leads and contestants to be supes Christian—there was Sean Lowe, the born again virgin Christian, and Colton, the “It’s not that I’m waiting for marriage, but also leave room for Jesus” virgin who ended up with Cassie, star of an Evangelical Christian reality show. But this season it really feels like they are leaning too hard into the whole Jesus thing. Maybe ABC is just trying to keep up with the times— you know, the ones where America is getting closer and closer to becoming a Christian white nationalist country—or maybe the pool for aspiring country singers and Instagram influences is made up strictly of Jesus lovers. Either way, I’m not into it. Hannah literally said, “The lord placed a verse on my heart” this week. What the actual f*ck does that mean? As a Jew who has literally never believed in God or had anything placed on her heart besides a stethoscope, there is nothing I can relate to less than this sentiment or this Bachelorette.

But please no.

Every Contestant Knows What They Need To Say In Order To Win

And it’s created a season where no one is saying anything, and we all feel like losers. And I’m not just talking about Luke P. here, although he is the worst and also the most confused by how the script does not appear to be working for him:

Luke P: You are everything I want in a wife: hot, Christian, and easy to manipulate. I want to move mountains for you.
Hannah B: Aww you are so hot. Tell me something about yourself.
Luke P: But didn’t you hear me, I said I will move mountains for you…

Other frontrunners like Tyler—by far the most attractive man I have ever seen—and Jed, the poor man’s Luke Pell (omg, another Luke P.), are all spitting out the same Bachelorette playbook lines that have brought contestants to the final four in the past. It’s gotten so bad that even Hannah admitted this week that all they talk about is, and I quote, “stupid sh*t”. I have not seen one real conversation take place so far this season, and it’s because contestants have been watching the show for too long—studying exactly what they need to say to make it far enough for an invite to Paradise, and have nothing to do between dates but sign up for the  brotherhood of the traveling salmon blazer and memorize their “get me to hometowns” lines.

Do not care what he says though, look at him— just look at him.

It’s time to change it up. Throw in some non “stupid sh*t” like a thoughtful discussion on climate change (I realize this may be asking too much), talk about what you did for a living before deciding to pursue a career as an influencer, or even—and I can’t believe I am saying this—just mention that your parents’ divorce made it hard for you to believe in love again. Honestly, that would be riveting stuff for this season.

Me to this season.

Images: WDT Press; Giphy (5)

A Bro’s Breakdown Of Colton’s ‘Bachelor’ Contestants

I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 33 year old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.

For years, I’ve broken down the contestants before the new season. When I first started doing these, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs, and Instagram wasn’t a career. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers, and you could basically tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. This season, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to  think of 30 different ways to call someone an influencer. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor café while we make fun of the people who walk past, except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Twitter or Instagram, where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.

Colton Underwood

Colton Bachelorette

So I told you that I’ve been doing this breakdown for a long time. Well, last season a lot of The Bachelorette contestants started following me after reading what I wrote about them. Colton was one of those people. He was especially good about it. But honestly, why wouldn’t he be? Look what I wrote:

Colton is a 26 year old former pro football player who had to stop playing due to an injury. He has a charitable organization that helps children fight Cystic Fibrosis and a dog named Sniper. Lastly, he dated Olympic gold medal winner Aly Raisman, and he picked her up over social media. This guy might walk out of the limo, hand over his resume to Becca, wink at her, and then get a BJ in the bathroom.

I’m not even exaggerating when I say that he might have the best resume in Bachelorette history. All its missing is a part about really enjoying his “How to eat pussy” class that he takes every Tuesday and Thursday and that nothing makes him happier than getting right back to texts. Is Sniper a yellow lab? If Sniper’s a yellow lab, I’ll blow him.

Ya…I’d like me too. I basically told an audience full of women that he was the greatest catch of all time and we should all go blow him without question. Was I right? Well, when I was in Denver, Colton actually came on my podcast. He couldn’t have been nicer. My mom would call him “a mensch.” He gave me a bottle of wine, came on the show, and I made fun of him for being a virgin. After the show, I literally pulled a crumpled fifty dollar bill from my pocket to pay him and he was like, “Donate it to my foundation!” Umm, what? I was almost annoyed that he made me realize I was a garbage person.

I’m honestly cheering for Colton to find whatever he wants from this experience. Now, that’s the question: what does he want? A following? A wife? A chance to have the greatest virginity loss story of all time–banging three different women in a fantasy suite over the course of a weekend? Money for his foundation? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that Colton has willpower. The guy’s still a virgin in the face of probably over 100k DM requests. I’m excited for Colton. I hope he has fun.

Alex B.

Alex B Bachelor

Alex is a “dog rescuer,” which is a really tough job title. Like, it’s hard to disagree with it. She saves dogs. Great work. But you know she’s unbearable. Her bio literally says, “she’s saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” That line reeks of self-congratulation. Like, I wouldn’t want to spend five minutes talking to someone at a party who says “I saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” Does she wear a cape? Were the dogs being held at gunpoint? Why is she counting? How selfless is that? Does she take a sharpie to her wall and put a line up every time she saves a dog? Is Superman taking six months off to get a bunch of Instagram followers?

Alex D.

Alex D Bachelor

It just says “Alex D, Sloth” which I guess is her “jokey” job title. This is a personal pet peeve of mine–hot people taking the things ugly people would be insulted to be called (because it’s true) and then calling themselves that thing to show they “get it.” Alex, you’re not a sloth. You get to the gym a minimum of three times a week. You’re going on a show that’s basically a Miss America for shorter women who might enter a fantasy suite on national TV that has a “We F*ckin’” sign written above the door. Gain 50 pounds and we’ll talk nicknames.

Angelique

Angelique Bachelor

Angelique’s favorite TV show is How To Get Away With Murder, and her favorite actress is Viola Davis. I honestly couldn’t envision an actress/show combo that is less compatible with Colton, a white football player from Colorado. I imagine Angelique being like, “I’m loving How To Get Away With Murder,” and Colton being like, “Dave Matthews Band?” And Angelique being like, “What?” And Colton being like, “My best friend is a fan of Black-ish.” Then they’d sit on a couch in silence until another contestant asks if she can “steal him for a second.”

Annie

Annie Bachelor

Annie is going to do well on this show, because she really has nothing to lose. She’s 23 and a “party starter” who went to Alabama. She also comes from money. How do I know? Well, during these divided times people have worked little descriptors into their lingo to try and tell people they’re not rich when they actually are rich. Annie’s bio says she “grew up on a farm” which is a classic evasive-rich-parent-speak maneuver. The bio goes on to tell us that she rode horses in national competitions and she’s from Wisconsin and she works in NYC. So, you grew up on a farm? Aww shucks! There’s no way Mammi and Pappi could afford to send you around the country ridin horses AND send you to school out of state AND help with co-signing for that one bedroom NYC apartment. Who will get the water from the well?! This girl is good and rich and will have not a care in the world during her six-month vacation. She’ll stick around.

Bri

Bri Bachelor

Bri is a 24 year old model from LA. Her bio literally says “Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly.” The best part of that statement is the word “Too.” Like, it’s not the farting that worries Bri, it’s the possibility that one of the farts she plans on pushing out during this date might be loud enough to be a distraction. This is one of the privileges of being hot. I’m not even phased. Bri could get up during our date, put her ass right above our burrata appetizer, fart loudly onto it, then say “Just thought we needed some more cheese.” And I’d be like, “HAHA you’re so cheesy!” And then I’d pay for the dinner. Bri, this bio made someone with a fetish climax in their pants. Good work.

Caelynn

Caelynn Bachelor

I’m going to let you read the beginning of Caelynn’s bio, and then you can guess the ending:

“Caelynn grew up in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and attended Virginia Commonwealth University, where she got her degree in broadcast journalism. She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen.”

Now, what do you think comes next? She fights grizzly bears? She just lost 550 pounds on My 600-lb Life? She eats? Nope. She once flew to Japan for a first date. Ummm that’s EXACTLY something I’d expect from a typical beauty queen. You mean a beautiful woman got a ridiculous amount of money spent on her so a creepy guy in Japan can maybe masturbate on her feet?!? I never would’ve imagined.

Caitlin

Caitlin Bachelor

Caitlin is a 25-year-old realtor from Toronto. Canadians do well on this show. I think it’s because, for whatever reason, their connection between sex and relationships is different than American women. They all seem like they’d knock you on the shoulder with their fist and say “How bout a blowjob?! Eh?!,” then slap shot a hockey puck into a garbage can lying on the ground. One could say that Bachelor contestants are Canada’s greatest export to the United States, and I make that statement as a blowjob enthusiast.

Cassie

Cassie Bachelor

Cassie is a 23-year-old speech pathologist. Speech pathologist is a job I didn’t even know existed until I graduated college. Then all of a sudden, every hot girl had a story about an uncle with a lisp who showed them the meaning of Christmas. Then you ask a few questions and you find out it’s one of those masters degrees that takes two years and they all get to work at a school and get summers off. It’s an underrated awesome job. “I’m a speech pathologist” seems like a “Whoaa who is this scientist?!” kind of job, when it’s really like “Who is this person that repeats words with a kid for an hour?!”

Catherine

Catherine Bachelor

Catherine has the look of this year’s “hot villain who we will all follow on Instagram until the day we die.” Then you read her bio and you realize that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Catherine is a “successful commercial real estate agent” and “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ” who refers to her dog as her “daughter.” Catherine’s favorite author is Dr. Seuss, she’s a pescatarian, and claims she has no tattoos because “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.” I don’t think there’s ever been a more hate-worthy bio in Bachelor history. Her bio could’ve been, “My ideal man is part Adolf Hitler, part Osama Bin Laden” and I would’ve been like, “At least she isn’t an up-and-coming DJ who thinks fur is murder but can’t help having some sushi!”

Courtney

Courtney Bachelor

Courtney is a 23-year-old caterer who “turned her passion for cooking into a successful catering business.” I love how everyone going on The Bachelor is a “successful” something. What 23-year-old is successful at anything? A 23-year-old saying their job is as real as a five-year-old saying they’re going to be a fireman. There’s never a bio that says, “Courtney is a 23-year-old who sits at her computer all day blankly staring while wondering what the hell she’s doing with her life and if every decision she’s ever made was a mistake. That’s probably what brought her on this show!” Where’s that bio? Where are my mediocre Bachelor contestants?!

Demi

Demi Bachelor

Some bios are almost trying so hard to be liked by men to the point that I hate them. Demi’s is that bio: “Demi grew up in rural Texas and is a proud country girl. She loves ATVing, fishing and watching WWE. She can also drive a stick shift.” Is this a a Brad Paisley song or Demi’s bio?! It’s almost like a porno written by a Ford F-150 owner. What was the next line? “And every Sunday I practice blowjobs on bananas before making it into chocolate chip banana bread. If only some strong man was there to eat it with me while watching wrestling!”

Devin

Devin Bachelor

Devin is a 23-year-old broadcast journalist who says her greatest achievement is getting her Master’s degree at age 23…from Arizona State. Ok, I don’t think you came here to read about the college bubble in America but we can agree this is that bubble popping. To me, a Master’s from Arizona State is like graduating the sandwich school at Arby’s, except the piece of paper from Arby’s will get you paid.

Elyse

Elyse Bachelor

Elyse is a 31-year-old makeup artist from Alaska who now lives in Scottsdale. I can’t imagine being a woman in my 30s on The Bachelor. You had your friends telling you to go on since you were 26 as a half joke. Then around 29 you’re like “It’s not the worst idea.” Then after the fifth wedding of the summer you’re like “f*ck it,” and you fill out the application while three glasses of wine deep. Now you’re 31 and you’re living in a house full of 23-year-olds eating and drinking whatever they want while never gaining weight. They complain about being the “old single one” in their group at home and when they realize you’re listening they say, “no but you look amazing!” It’s got to be hell. Good luck Elyse. I’m cheering for you.

Erika

Erika Bachelor

Erika is known to her group of friends as “The Nut” because she “is a ball of energy” with “a great sense of humor.” I hate Erika’s friends for her. The nut?! Really?! You got a friend who is so single that she’s going on The Bachelor and you’re going out to bars calling your “friend” the same things guys call their semen and being like, “Ya that’s THE NUT!! She’s hilarious.” That’s who guys want to date. The girl that other girls call a “nut.” We’re all looking for a woman so crazy other women think she’s crazy. Can’t wait to see what that period is like!! Fix me up with The Load! I mean…The Nut!!

Erin

Erin Bachelor

Sometimes they don’t explain things in these bios and then it’s all I can think about. Erin’s bio literally says, “Erin, 28, Cinderella, Plano TX.” Cinderella? How’d that happen? The rest of the bio says she works for her stepmom’s home improvement business. No mention of Cinderella or love of Disney or the character. I guess she works for her stepmom. Is she calling her evil? Did the producers ask what she did for work and she was like “Cinderella!” Then they fake laughed and they were like, “No really!” And she was like “I work for my stepmom’s home improvement company but keep Cinderella! You guys said that was funny!” And they were like “Umm ok.”

Hannah B.

Hannah B Bachelor

Hannah B was born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and then attended the University of Alabama. Her parents went to Alabama and she’s the 2018 Miss Alabama. I can promise you a few things about Hannah B:

Hannah G.

Hannah G Bachelor

Hannah G. is a “Content Creator” with the following sentence in her bio: “She’s both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business.” If people are going to make money off of social media, can we at least be a little more honest? Burgeoning social media business?! How about “Hannah G. has a following that’s mostly men who frequently DM her something about the hardness of their penis but that’s a little weird to say to her parents so let’s just say Hannah G. is very lucky and frequents the gym.”

Heather

Heather Bachelor

Heather’s bio revolves around the fact that she’s 22 and she’s never been kissed. I gotta be honest, I don’t really feel bad for her about that. Never been kissed?! What’s she missing out on? Meeting someone on a dating app, making out on a first date, thinking this guy could be the one, going on a second date, having them mention family and friends and how they’ve “never connected like this,” go back and have sex, then date for three months when all of a sudden they show up saying they’re “not ready for commitment” on a night you shaved and thought you were going for Italian with a parent meeting on the horizon!?! There’s a lot of girls who are nodding while wishing kissing was their issue.

Adrianne “Jane”

Adrianne Jane Bachelor

I guess she’s Jane? I don’t know. Jane seems nice. The bio is actually the most normal of the bunch, other than the fact that she’s going on a TV show to get married. There’s one line that gets me: “She would choose her checkered sneakers over heels or stilettos any day!” Women have this thing where a whole attitude can be based on shoes. As if we’d read that line about sneakers and be like, “Oh I’d be friends with her.” You see it at weddings all the time. The bride will reveal sneakers under her dress and all the women will be pointing at it as if a puppy just nursed a kitten back to health. Even places are described by shoes. If you’ve ever been to Fire Island in New York, you know that every woman describes the place based on one fact: “You can wear flats to the bar.” As if that’s all you’d need to hear about the place. They should rename the island “Flats at the bar” so we don’t have to keep having this conversation. I don’t know. You probably all love Jane now. I do too. She gets it.

Katie

Katie is a 26-year-old medical sales representative who used to dance at LSU, and who now lives in LA. Well, she says Sherman Oaks but that’s basically LA. It’s always weird when someone hot moves to LA to do something that isn’t in entertainment. Like, why? Why do that to yourself? The beach? Go to San Diego and sell MRI machines. Katie annoys me. You know she moved there to get famous, but she gets to run around LA acting better than some idiot who moved there to act because she’s “in medical sales” and “lives in Sherman Oaks!” No Katie, you live in LA and you self-taped an audition to go on a show where you could hypothetically pick up over 100k Instagram followers and never work again.

Kirpa

Kirpa Bachelor

Kirpa is a dental hygienist who works at her dad’s dentistry business. Can you imagine Kirpa’s dad right now? He comes to this country (I’m assuming she’s an immigrant considering she’s not “Kirpa G”) and becomes a dentist with his own practice. He has this beautiful daughter. He sends her to school. She works at his business. He thinks, “One day, I’ll hand this all to Kirpa and she’ll be an independent working woman who can marry a great guy and have beautiful grandchildren. My wife, Birpa and I, will glow as we watch her blossom and reap the benefits of our hard work!” Then one day over the summer this interaction happens:

 Kirpa: THE PRODUCERS JUST CALLED!! I’M GONNA BE ON THE BACHELOR!!!”

Kirpa’s Dad: What’s The Bachelor!?

Kirpa: It’s a show where 30 women try to marry one guy! He’s a virgin who played football for fifteen minutes! He likes dogs!!

Kirpa’s Dad: *Boards plane back to home country.*

Laura

Laura Bachelor

Laura’s hot and will stick around. I can just tell. She doesn’t have blonde hair so she looks different enough that we won’t confuse her with all the Hannahs on this season. She’s also an accountant, which shows you how hot she must be in person. Some guy was like, “Sure Laura, I’ll take over your accounting work while you go on TV and date someone else during the lead up to our busiest time of year! Good luck!! I’ll be here masturbating to your Instagram!”

Nicole

Nicole Bachelor

Nicole is 25, and she lives at home with her brother, mom, grandma, two dogs, a cat, and a cockatoo named Popeye. She will not win, but I hope she makes it to the hometown visits so we can see Colton’s reaction to the whole family (including the bird) in one bed like the Willy Wonka grandparents. This is kind of one of those “hot privileges.” If Nicole were a guy or not gorgeous we’d all be like, “Oh this loser is living at home and now she’s trying to be famous.” But instead everyone is like, “What’s Nicole’s Instagram!?”

Nina

Nina Bachelor

Nina has watched The Bachelor “for years” with her mom and grandma, and you can tell by what she had them put in her bio: “Nina was born in Croatia and moved to the United States with her mom when she was nine years old, fleeing the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs.” This is how you stay on any reality show. Ever notice how everyone on Chopped escaped a fire to make their momma’s frittata? I’m not saying Nina didn’t flee a war-torn country. But I am saying this sentence makes it sound like she was hopscotching a minefield on her way to the United States. This will get her an opening episode interview from her mom’s house, and she’ll tell Colton all about this with an American accent then magically have a Croatian accent while saying the word, “Croatia.”

Onyeka

Onyeka Bachelor

Onyeka is a 24 year old IT consultant whose parents have been married for 35 years, after only knowing one another for two weeks. I CAN’T stand people whose parents got married after knowing each other for a blink of an eye. It’s all they talk about as if it’s a real option for everyone. They’re always the first to bemoan the current state of dating and how much better it was for their parents. Your dad stayed with your mom because there were three girls in the neighborhood and she was the one without the lazy eye. This wasn’t romantic, this was a numbers game and it always will be a numbers game. More options, more difficulty. Sorry dating is different and your dad never got the chance to have some random girl lick his butt because she’d never see him again and they were both curious.

Revian

Revian Bachelor

Revian once flew across the country to meet a guy she met on the internet. That’s way crazier than going on The Bachelor. At least she has something to gain on this show. A following, some friends, an alcohol problem. But meeting a guy on an app because he was in your town for a business trip then continuing to text because “we get along so well over text” gets her nothing. What happens? What’s to gain? She shows up in New York where he gets a hotel so the girl he was “kind of seeing” won’t find out. Then they act like a couple for two days until she leaves after only cumming one and a half times and then he texts less and less until he disappears like a fart in the wind. That feels MUCH less fulfilling.

Sydney

Sydney Bachelor

Sydney is a 27 year old NBA dancer who has never had a boyfriend. The “never had a boyfriend” girls are a TOUGH hang. I actually think never having a boyfriend in the hookup and dating world of today is totally normal. But DO NOT tell that to the “never had a boyfriend” girl. She’s going to bring this up at every turn. Want to go out on New Year’s Eve?! “Well, sure but who would I even kiss? I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Want to go get drinks?! “I’d drink, but how will I even sip a martini!? A boyfriend never taught me!!” Hi, my name is Jared! “I’VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE ME!!!”

Tahzjuan

Tahzjuan Bachelor

Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas.” I love that. I think everyone who does spring break in Acapulco, dates a guy they met on Tinder who lives more than an hour away, eats Chipotle before a jog, and becomes a contestant on The Bachelor should have to get the “I love bad ideas” tattoo.

Tayshia

Tayshia

Tayshia is a phlebotomist, which I guess is someone who draws blood for a living. She also goes on missions and volunteers at her church. Sometimes you get a good vibe from someone’s bio and you want to scream, “NO!! TAYSHIA!!! DON’T DO IT!” And then you remember you drank seven martinis last night and we all have to learn from our own mistakes.

Tracy

Tracy’s bio claims that “If she could be anyone else for a day, she’d be Beyoncé.” That’s how you know Tracy is going to be a villain in the house. People who aspire to be Beyoncé are the people who want enough money to never give a damn about what anyone else thinks of them. If Tracy gets a big following from the show, then you should expect her to write a book called Screaming Yass Queen While Not Giving A F*ck, and to have a personal assistant whose only responsibility is working a wind machine.

Follow along with all of Jared’s Bachelor thoughts this season on Twitter and Instagram!

Images: ABC (32)