2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
UPDATED 6/6 10:15pm: PEOPLE has confirmed that Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have broken up after four years of dating. They are reportedly “amicably working out how to share custody of their daughter Lea De Seine.” Their representatives did not respond to PEOPLE for comment.
Someone call Lady Gaga, because it looks like she might finally get her shot at Bradley Cooper. In the past week, rumors have been swirling around the internet that Bradley Cooper’s relationship with Irina Shayk may be on the rocks, months after all the speculation during awards season.
On Monday, Page Six published a report that quoted a source reportedly close to the couple, who said “Things are not good. Neither one is happy. The relationship is hanging by a thread.” Ouch. According to that same source, their relationship was mainly hanging on because of their daughter.
Today, another source told E! News that Bradley and Irina have been experimenting with spending periods of time apart. The common thread between all of these sources is that their daughter, Lea De Seine, seems to be the main reason they’re still together. “They’ve spent time apart to test the waters and see if they are better off. They have a lot invested, and it’s very difficult to completely walk away from. They are trying out different arrangements and trying to find their way. They love their little girl dearly and that’s not going to change no matter what.”
Indeed, the couple generated some conversation last month, when Irina Shayk attended the Met Gala without Bradley. Obviously, she can do things by herself if she wants, but last year she and Bradley walked the red carpet together. It would be hard not to notice these things.
I mean, it’s tough to know how much these anonymous sources actually know about the situation, but it seems like there’s a consensus that things, like, are not great for Bradley and Irina right now. Before you go bringing up your Bradley/Gaga conspiracy theories, though, apparently the two of them haven’t seen each other since the Oscars, and Lady Gaga has nothing to do with their current issues.
In fact, this week is far from the first time there have been rumors about a potential breakup for Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk. Last October, Page Six also reported that they were experiencing issues, and Irina went on a trip to Ibiza without Bradley. Basically, it sounds like things haven’t been amazing between these two for a while now, and it’s really just a question of whether they’re going to stick it out for their daughter.
I won’t pretend to be an expert here, but I do have divorced parents, so I have some thoughts about this. If they’re really this unhappy, their daughter will be better off if they don’t stay together. She’s too young to remember anything now anyway, so why not just cut the cord before things get worse? Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!!
For now, Lady Gaga is still focused on doing her show in Las Vegas, but I’m sure can sense in the air that there may be an opportunity coming for her to pounce on Bradley. We’re far from the shallow now!!!
Images: Shutterstock; irinashayk / Instagram; Giphy
It’s been less than a week since the Oscars, and I’ve already forgotten pretty much everything that happened. This year’s ceremony was far from the most exciting, but the one big story we were left with was the alleged love connection between Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. For months, they’ve had palpable sexual tension at every red carpet and interview, and their Oscars performance just heightened everything. Well, Lady Gaga wants you to know that she’s heard the rumors, and that there’s nothing going on between her and Bradley.
Lady Gaga went on Jimmy Kimmel’s show this week, and she didn’t shy away from addressing the many memes about her alleged relationship with Bradley. When asked about the Oscars performance, she said “People saw love, and guess what, that’s what we wanted you to see! This is a love song, ‘Shallow,’ the movie A Star Is Born, it’s a love story!” She also added “I’m an artist, and I guess we did a good job. Fooled ya!”
Okay, so maybe I’m like way off-base here, but this doesn’t actually sound like the strongest denial that they’ve ever hooked up? Like, she mostly just talked about how they’re actors and artists and it’s a love story and blah, blah, blah, but this is exactly the kind of pretentious artist stuff I expect Lady Gaga to say. If she really wanted to shut everyone up, she could’ve been like “Bradley is in a committed relationship with the mother of his child, and I’ve never seen his penis.” But that’s not what she said!
As I stressed earlier this week, I’ll reiterate that I have no idea if anything is going on between Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. They might not even like each other as friends! But I’m just saying that Gaga’s comments here feel weirdly wishy-washy to me. Idk, it’s just a feeling.
Gaga also had some harsh words for social media, calling it “the toilet of the internet.” She also said that what “it has done to pop culture is just, like, abysmal.” Okay, I love Lady Gaga, I really do, but she just sounds like the least fun person imaginable. Girl, the whole internet is social media! It’s not the toilet, it’s the whole damn house. Also, if you hate it so much, then get off Instagram and stop complaining!
So, moral of the story, Lady Gaga went on Jimmy Kimmel and said some annoying things that don’t actually prove anything about her and Bradley’s relationship. At this point, we might never know the real truth, and I guess I’m okay with that.
Images: Shutterstock; @ladygaga / Instagram
Ever since Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper started doing press for A Star Is Born last fall, it’s been clear that they have a very special connection with each other. They both respect the work that the other does, and it also really seems like they could be f*cking. Or at least, it really seems like Lady Gaga wants to f*ck Bradley Cooper. The internet has been full of memes and jokes about them being in love for months now, and I’m here to look at what actually might be going on. Of course, I don’t actually know anything about any of this, so please don’t attack me in DMs. I’m just your average person with two eyes and access to the internet.
100 People In A Room
lady gaga: THERE CAN BE 100 PEOPLE IN A ROOM AND 99 DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU BUT ALL YOU NEED IS ONE WHO DOES AND BRADLEY WAS THAT ONE FOR ME
— ⭐️ (@soulcondition) October 23, 2018
I start my dissertation with the Lady Gaga line heard ’round the world. And that’s because she’s literally said it in interviews and speeches around the world. For someone who has become a global icon for writing her own songs, you’d think she could get a little more creative here. The analogy is that Bradley Cooper has always truly believed in her, even when everyone else didn’t, and no matter how canned this line is, I think Gaga really believes it. She seems like a pretty sincere person most of the time, and I don’t think she would fake her admiration for Bradley.
I won’t pretend to be some sort of body language expert from Criminal Minds, but I’m familiar with social interaction. Watch that video compilation above, and tell me with a straight face that Lady Gaga does not want to see that man naked. Well, I would bet money that she’s already seen him naked, even if it was in a platonic scenario, but she wants him. I just know it! This whole awards season, Gaga has interacted with Bradley like he’s some kind of god, and I’m kind of over it. Like, girl, you’re so talented and successful, who cares about this decent-looking white dude! But I’m not here to judge, just to analyze, so let’s continue.
If you haven’t seen A Star Is Born, fyi that I’m about to spoil something that happens in the first 20 minutes of the movie. You’ll live. The first time Jackson (Bradley Cooper) sees Ally (Lady Gaga), she’s singing “La Vie En Rose” in a drag bar. They lock eyes during the performance, and they’re basically in love from that moment on. Earlier this month, Lady Gaga celebrated Valentine’s Day by getting a “La Vie En Rose”-inspired tattoo down her spinal cord. Gaga obviously has a deep connection to this song, and it seems like it would be closely intertwined with her and Bradley’s relationship. The choice to get the tattoo on Valentine’s Day is especially important, given my next point…
Until recently, Lady Gaga was engaged to agent Christian Carino, but they announced their breakup earlier this month. Speculation began after Gaga appeared without her engagement ring at the Grammys, and her publicist confirmed the news last week. I won’t pretend to know what went down between Lady Gaga and Christian, but we know for sure that the engagement is over. That means Gaga is free to do whatever she wants, but Bradley Cooper is still going strong with Irina Shayk, who is the mother of his child. Sad!
At last night’s Oscars, Lady Gaga was easily one of the biggest stories to follow. As expected, she won her first Oscar for Best Original Song, though A Star Is Born didn’t win in any of the bigger categories. Gaga and Bradley walked the red carpet separately, so Lady Gaga got her diva moment, and Irina Shayk got to keep Bradley on an appropriately short leash. During the actual show, Irina was seated right in the middle of our two alleged lovebirds, which is shady as hell and I’m here for it. However, the most important moment of the night was when the two of them performed “Shallow” together, and it was everything I was hoping for. The performance was great, but the way she looked at him at the end…I can tell you right now homegirl was wet under that gown. There were way more than 100 people in that room, but Bradley was the only one in Gaga’s heart.
The way I see it, it seems extremely likely that Lady Gaga has feelings for Bradley Cooper. Literally all the signs indicate this, and I don’t think she’s that good of an actress. Don’t @ me. To me, the bigger question is whether Brad and Gaga have acted on their forbidden love connection. I won’t make a prediction, partially because I don’t want to get sued, but also because I truly can’t figure it out. This could be a love story for the ages, or they could never be seen together again after last night. Only time will tell!
Images: Shutterstock; @soulcondition / Twitter; Betches / YouTube; @ladygaga / Instagram; Giphy
This Sunday is the 61st annual Grammys, otherwise known as
white privilege in action “Music’s biggest night.” That’s a nice tagline, but this year especially, I’m not sure it’s true. That’s because some of the biggest stars in music won’t even be there. Umm, come again? While confirmed performers for the 61st annual Grammys include Cardi B, Travis Scott, and Shawn Mendes, the roster falls short of what you might expect. First of all, many of our favorite artists aren’t performing (and we’ll get to who in a minute). What’s worse, some of the most popular artists of the year got snubbed in the major categories, so they’re not even wasting their time to show up at all. Honestly, relatable. Others have different excuses, but either way, the Grammys will be a little lacking in star power this year. Here’s who you won’t be seeing on the Grammys red carpet this year.
Earlier this week, Ariana Grande made big news when she pulled out of the performance roster for the 61st annual Grammys. She wanted to perform “7 rings,” but the producers said she could only do it in a medley with another song of their choosing. Ari wasn’t happy about this, so she decided to not do the show. This is really not great for the Grammys, especially considering they’ve been using Ariana’s face on billboards to advertise the show. Awkwardddd. Honestly, Ariana Grande is the biggest star in the world right now, so they should have just let her do literally whatever she wants. You really can’t discuss music in 2018 without spending at least 5 minutes on “thank u, next”.
Despite “Shallow” being nominated for four Grammy awards, Bradley Cooper won’t be in attendance. Instead, he’ll be in London at the British Academy Film Awards, or BAFTAs, which are basically the British version of the Oscars. This makes sense, because A Star Is Born is nominated for seven awards, and Bradley is up for both Best Actor and Best Director. It seems like a pretty big scheduling f*ckup that both of these award shows are on the same night, but I guess there’s usually not much overlap in the nominees. Shockingly, Lady Gaga is separating herself from Bradley Cooper for a night, as she will be performing at the Grammys. There can be 100 people in a room, but what happens when the one person who believes in you isn’t one of them?
Apparently the BAFTAs are this year’s hottest excuse for missing the Grammys this year, because Taylor Swift is going to be across the pond too. After missing out on nominations in the major Grammy categories this year, even though it feels like Reputation came out three years ago, Taylor decided to go to the BAFTAs with her man Joe Alwyn instead. This is actually kind of a big deal, considering how hard the Grammys have kissed Taylor’s ass in the past. Also, she and Joe have rarely appeared in public before, so she’s sending a message that things are serious between them. I won’t pretend I’m sad about her absence, but I am sad that I won’t get another chance to roast Reputation. Alexa, play “Look What You Made Me Do”.
Cardi B is nominated for five awards at this year’s Grammys, but her biggest rival, Nicki Minaj, didn’t manage to get a single one. That’s gotta hurt. Nicki might not be at the top of her game right now, but she did release a new album in August, so this snub had to feel like a slap in the face. Or, more accurately, a shoe to the head. Nicki and Cardi seem to have cooled their feud in the last couple months, but if Cardi walks away a big winner on Sunday night, I have a feeling that Nicki Minaj will have a hard time resisting the urge to tweet. Hold onto your Louboutins, because this could get interesting.
So far this year, we haven’t heard anything about whether Drake is going to the Grammys. Based on his seven nominations, you’d think he’d be first on the list, but he actually hasn’t attended the Grammys since 2013. He’s skipped out on four years when he was nominated for multiple awards, including two years ago, when “Hotline Bling” won two awards. In the past, he’s been openly critical about the Grammys’ treatment of rap artists, including not showing the hip-hop categories on the TV broadcast, so his absence makes sense. Drake could decide at the last minute to show up this weekend, but I wouldn’t put money on it. I feel like 2019 is not the year anybody is giving up on the issues they care about.
With no nominations in major categories this year, other stars likely to skip this year’s Grammys include Beyoncé and Jay-Z and Kanye West. Honestly, why would Kanye even want to go if he wouldn’t get the chance to mess with Taylor Swift? And Beyoncé’s joint album with Jay-Z only got nominated in two minor categories, so it’s probably not even worth them getting a babysitter. Hopefully the Grammys will still be an exciting show, but it’s not looking great. Cardi B and Lady Gaga, please don’t let us down. If nothing else, at least Kylie Jenner might be there to cheer on Travis Scott? Wow, this is bleak.
Images: Giphy (2)
December is here, which means two things: Every movie you’re watching is either Oscar bait or pure holiday trash. You have the Timothees and the Saiorses of the world dusting off their mantle for a trophy, and the Haylie Duffs of the world just dusting. Shockingly, there’s no award ceremony for being in your 25th TV movie—although I’d argue Haylie’s contributions to Hallmark movies warrant at least a Venice (Beach) Film Festival Award. Since I love to ruin things and act like I know what a movie is about before seeing it, I figured let’s throw all of these movies into a blender and see what would happen if these Oscar films existed in the Hallmark Cinematic Universe (HCU). Will our movie smoothie be disgusting? Maybe, but worst case, we can just add vodka.
I personally (and emotionally) black out when it comes to British history, despite thriving during my time abroad in London—and by thriving, I mean drinking gallons of Pimms cups and asking everyone if my terrible British accent was any good. So, I kind of don’t totally know what is going on here. But what I do know is that Emma Stone and Mr. Taylor Swift are in it, so there’s that. What I also know is that it’s about royalty and two cousins trying to be the favourite (with a ‘u,’ mind u). So when it’s Christmas time, they’re two cousins fighting over their neighbors love. One is engaged to her and has everything you’d want in a man: a steady income, a great hairline, and a job that requires him to talk about briefs. However, they don’t have LOVE. Which is why, when she meets with the other cousin to prepare for their Christmas dinner and she realizes she doesn’t need a retirement plan or a joint-bank account, she needs the Christmas spirit and… love, duh.
Vox Lux is Natalie Portman as a pop star (girl, what?), but in the world of Hallmark, the pop star is actually the Christmas spirit, and the lux (or light, nbd but I did take Latin in middle school) is the north star that everyone follows to an amazing party on Christmas Eve. At the party, they do karaoke to holiday songs (my personal heaven) and… what’s this? The quiet girl from high school has a gorgeous voice? This shocks everyone, but most of all the guy she had a crush on in high school. Who knows who the hell is having this party, but that doesn’t matter—because of course, when the clock strikes midnight, they kiss! Does the girl with the amazing voice end up being a pop star? Of course not, because that would entail her going to the city at some point. In the HCU, cities are the root of all evil.
‘Ben Is Back’
Ben Is Back is already set during Christmas, which is perfect. But it’s mainly about drug addiction, which isn’t super Hallmark. So, we sub that out for something worse in the HCU: NOT BELIEVING IN CHRISTMAS. Could you even imagine? The mom (not Julia Roberts, unless she REALLY wants to buy another house somewhere and needs the Hallmark cash, which I’m assuming is just Panera gift cards), spends all of Christmas Eve showing her son the magic of Christmas—aka, having a group of carolers sing to him and finding an old ornament. Suddenly, Christmas is saved! Sidenote, should we all go out this year as famous Carols and go around singing as Carol Carolers? Dibs on Radziwill.
‘Mary Queen of Scots’
Okay, AP European History is truly trolling me this Oscar season. I somehow passed that exam, but it’s almost definitely because I was next to the really smart junior that i’d give life advice to in exchange for him letting me see his Scantron. Whatever, my degree’s in Communications anyway. ANYWAY, I do love that two Oscar queens from last year are in this together (Saiorse Ronan and Margot Robbie) and looking more gorgeous, talented, and wealthy than I will ever be. What I do know about this plot, though, is that it has had some historical inaccuracies so I’m going to say is that this is basically Hallmark’s version of Miracle On 34th Street, but the saying is “every time an iPhone XR rings, an angel gets its wings.”
‘A Star Is Born’
A Star Is Born would basically be A Star Is Born, but set in the community theater world and their production of the night Jesus was born. Ally Maine here was the understudy for playing Mother Mary, and the eight grader playing Joseph would pick her out of the costume department and bring her up to sing. Weirdly, they sing “Shallow,” but it works—because they’re far from the shallows now. And by shallows, I mean the point in history where we switched from “BC” to “AD.”
Green Book tells the story of a famed NYC bouncer becoming a driver for beyond-talented pianist Don Shirley. In the world of Hallmark, though, who needs a car? The driver is obviously operating a SLEIGH. Because let’s be real, Rudolph is drunk and no one knows where the hell the other reindeer are. He’s not driving because it’s his passion, but because he’s been on Santa’s Naughty List for decades and this is the only way to turn his fate around. Will he, or will he just give up somewhere over a fly-over state? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT.
Santa’s in the (Snow) White House and we don’t know WTF is happening. It doesn’t matter, though, because an elf is his Vice President, and this elf ends up calling all the shots. He goes crazy shoving Christmas cookies into his mouth while trying to become the actual leader of Christmas and we see him going fully batsh*t while Santa is… just sort of standing there. Who knew we’d end up (almost) missing gentler-seeming (but equally ghoulish) Santa later on. Womp.