In these times of horrifying politics and environmental disasters, there’s never been a bigger need for some good, old-fashioned nostalgia. One of my favorite childhood movies to revisit is The Parent Trap, the 1998 masterpiece starring my two favorite actresses, Lindsay Lohan and British Lindsay Lohan. Actually, my current favorite actress is vaguely Middle Eastern Lindsay Lohan, but she was sadly not cast in The Parent Trap. The movie had its 20th anniversary back in July, further proving that we are all old AF. But today, October 11, is the twins’ birthday, so I’m feeling extra nostalgic. What happened after the events of the movie? Where did Annie and Hallie go? This is going to be fun.
According to this Entertainment Weekly story, the twins turned 30 back in 2015, which means today is their 33rd birthday. That’s funny, considering actual Lindsay Lohan is only 32, but looks 50. Time works in mysterious ways.
Annie James
In case you forgot, Annie is the British twin. In the movie, she’s posh AF, and at 12 years old she was already wearing the type of outfits that rich grandmothers wear to attend charity luncheons. Basically, she was living my dream. Fast forward 20 years, and I have a feeling Annie James still has her sh*t together. She lives in London, but has a country house somewhere in England, and also spends, like, a month in the Caribbean every winter. How does she afford all this? Easily, that’s how. She’s now the president and CEO of her mom’s wedding dress company, and yes, she still wears tweed skirt suits to meetings.
Oh, and her husband is very rich. His dad is like, a Lord or some fancy British sh*t like that, and now he has a job in finance that Annie doesn’t actually understand. They have a couple adorable kids (who are mostly raised by nannies), and life is generally pretty great. She doesn’t see her sister that much these days, because, um, I’ll get to that in a second.
Hallie Parker
Hallie, the American twin, has taken more of an interesting path in life. And by that, I mean that she’s a goddamn disaster. To be honest, Hallie’s life is a little bit like Lindsay Lohan’s, but without the fame. Being that she literally grew up on a vineyard, Hallie developed a taste for wine when she was 14, and she never looked back. She got arrested for drunkenly crashing the vineyard golf cart when she was 19, and then escaped from her court-ordered rehab in the middle of the night. After (barely) graduating from San Diego State with a degree in psychology, she spent most of her 20s getting wasted on various islands in the Mediterranean (mostly Mykonos and Ibiza).
She missed her flight from Ibiza to London for Annie’s wedding, and therefore showed up just in time to get absolutely trashed at the reception. The night ended with Chessy holding Hallie’s hair while she puked, because some bonds can stay strong through anything. Annie, however, wasn’t amused, and she hasn’t spoken to Hallie since. These days, Hallie lives in a small apartment in West Hollywood, where she mainly works on “growing her brand” and “creating content.” She has 320 followers on Instagram.
Maybe by the time they turn 40, these two will have worked it out, but things aren’t looking good right now. Annie and Hallie might not be on speaking terms these days, but The Parent Trap is still perfect and iconic. Clear my schedule for the rest of the day, because I need to rewatch immediately.
Images: Giphy (3)
Girls, the time for Netflix and chill hibernation is slowly creeping to an end, so we might as well see what’s coming to Netflix in March. Sure, mid-July is prime time for escaping the heat and catching up on shows, and obviously winter sucks donkey dick. But spring? Spring is a time for rooftop day drinking, playing hooky from work (to day drink), and for white people to get some sun on our pasty asses (so we look good day drinking). Come April, there should be nary a soul holed up inside bingeing Chef’s Table or whatever the fuck.
That’s why March is really your last chance to get in some by-God, depressingly antisocial TV time. That probably also why all the new shit coming to Netflix in March 2018 is utter dreck—hell, by the end of the month, half of it’s fucking anime shows. Give them this, they know their audience, because those are the only people I can picture opting to watch TV when there’s baseball and sundresses and kegs to be found outside. That said, there are a few gems coming this month that you might want to catch before you succumb to the siren call of spring.
‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry’
They could have shortened the title of this movie to No Homo, and it still would have been accurate. Basically, Adam Sandler and the Scientology lady’s TV husband have to pretend to be gay so they can get gay married or whatever? I’m not sure, but I bet it’s a laugh riot. If nothing else, watch it to see just how much social progress America has made in such a short time. For me, I think it’s great background noise to have on when I’m converting my AR-15 to fire in full-auto mode.
All Three ‘Cruel Intentions’ Movies
I remember remember seeing Cruel Intentions and deciding that acting like Ryan Phillippe’s character was the key to success with women. I was also an idiot and lacked Ryan Phillippe’s looks, charm, money, and being-a-fictional-character-ness, which is probably why I was a virgin way longer than I could have been. This movie is mostly famous for the kiss scene between Buffy and Selma Blair, which in the pre-internet porn times was the stuff that teenage boys’ wet dreams were made of. God, I could watch Sarah Michelle Gellar make out with a shoe. Which isn’t much different than watching her make out with Selma Blair, if you think about it. Oh, and I’ve never seen the other two. No one has, not even the actors who made them. They’re all coming to Netflix in March because they were very cheap to acquire, you see.
‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’: The Eighteenth Year
You know what? With all due respect, fuck this show. I know the first, oh, 10-12 seasons or so were great, and it’s helped millions of us survive countless hungover weekends, but it’s needed to end for a while now. They never figured out a non-annoying romantic side plot for Benson. All the good people are gone except for Ice-T. Benson isn’t even a detective anymore, and instead runs around screaming, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A VICTIM” when someone’s just like, “yeah cool lady, I was just trying to get something from the vending machine.” The plots are all over the place now, and having the audacity to say “The Eighteenth YEAR” instead of “season” is the icing on the cake. What, does L&O: SVU secretly go to UVA?
Both ‘Ghostbusters’ Movies
If your only exposure to the Ghostbusters franchise was the wailing and gnashing of neckbearded teeth over the all-women remake a couple years ago, my apologies. The original is a comedy classic (who doesn’t like Bill Murray?), and the effects hold up well enough to not distract viewers in 2018. The second one isn’t nearly as good as the first, but it’s still better than the silly remake because YEAH OK IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE FEMALES GASJSHDHLDSHJLBFLRUUDA .
‘Jessica Jones’: Season 2
Speaking of girl stuff, season 2 of Marvel’s acclaimed Jessica Jones is finally here. She’s a superhero who’s also a woman. That’s all you needed to know and you’re hooked now, right? Fine, ok: Krysten Ritter plays the titular character, a sassy, alcoholic private detective who also happens to have super powers she’s reluctant to use. Actually, come to think about it, Jessica Jones might be the betchiest character on TV—replace “private detective” with “Instagram stalker,” and “super powers” with “her own credit card instead of her dad’s,” and you’ve just described like 80% of Betches’ audience. Anyway, the show is very good and you should watch it.
’50 First Dates’
I’ve heard this movie described as the story of an unlikeable idiot taking advantage of someone with severe cognitive impairments. That’s true I guess, but at the same time it’s also the story of Adam Sandler repeatedly taking Drew Barrymore on dates because she has amnesia.
‘Wet Hot American Summer’
This cult classic is so good that it inspired not one, but TWO incredibly unfunny TV series: First was Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, which took most of the cast of the movie and asked them to play the same characters 14 years later, except everything in this happens before the events of the movie. Then came last year’s Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later, which I haven’t seen yet but at least sounds like a stronger premise. You probably don’t need to watch either of those, because the movie is fine on its own. You get to see a lot of today’s mega-stars (Paul Rudd, Bradley Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Amy Poehler) before they hit it big, and that’s half the fun. 10 years from now, we’ll post an article called “Coming To Netflix In March: Wet Hot American Summer—All The Actors Are Dead.”
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (7)
Now that summer is halfway over and all the good holidays have passed, you find yourself bored. Even your summer fling has simmered down and fall shopping hasn’t quite started yet. Don’t worry, that’s why we always trust Netflix to switch up the menu so we don’t get tired of the same thing everyday. Thankfully they understand how easily bored we get and have announced new shows that are coming to the site this August. Since we know the only thing you hate more than being bored is to like actually have to think/do anything, we rounded up our favorite August shows and movies coming to Netflix for you.
‘The Addams Family’ – August 1
We all went through a Wednesday Addams goth phase, no matter how short-lived. And I mean, props to her contributions to resting bitch face and wearing all black in the summer. We may have replaced black lipstick with a more sensible deep purple, but we’ll never forget the joy of this movie.
‘The Matrix Trilogy’ – August 1
It probably won’t hold up, but we’re sure you can find a drinking game to play along with this one. Plus, there’s something about Keanu that keeps us watching, the same way we kept talking to Smarter Child on AIM even though we knew it was a waste of time.
‘Wild Wild West’ – August 1
It’s too bad Will Smith stopped rapping for all his movies, because as campy as this movie was, we still enjoyed it at the time. There’s animatronic spiders and Salma Hayek’s boobs in this, so what’s not to love?
‘Wet Hot American Summer: 10 Years Later’ – August 4
Netflix continues making these and we’re here for it. The last reboot did not disappoint, and we love the comedians involved in this. Plus it’ll help you relive your old camp days, which is both fun and terrifying.
‘Holes’ – August 5
This is where we fell in love with Zero for like five months before the actor who played him promptly dropped off the face of the earth. And the guy who wrote this book wrote the Wayside High books, which was quirky before quirky was a thing. Also, RIP Shia Labeouf. He’s not dead but like, you know what I mean.
Marvel’s ‘The Defenders’ – August 18
Superheroes are for nerds, but Jessica Jones was pretty chill so maybe this series will have some mileage. It seems like an easy enough series to watch, and if we hate it we can just wait for the next superhero series they are making literally every 10 minutes.
‘Once Upon a A Time’ – August 25
If you’re one of those people who just cannot get enough of re-imaginings of classic fairy tales, this show is for you. You’ll see literally every possible fairy tale personality (Elsa from Frozen makes an appearance) and there are so many episodes you’ll be able to binge for days. Also like, costumes and shit.
‘The Good Place’ – August 29
If you haven’t already watched this show now is your chance. Kristen Bell plays a betchy hot mess that gets sent to heaven when she’s supposed to go to hell, and she talks her way into letting them stay if she can prove she is good. Basically talking your way out of the ultimate parking ticket.
And don’t let these shows Irish exit on you. Here’s everything leaving this month, so get your fix in before last call:
’10 Things I Hate About You’ – Leaving August 1
This is a classic, and it’ll never get old. Also, Heath Ledger. RIP, still not over it.
‘Superbad’ – Leaving August 4th
This is a classic one to watch if you’re leaving for college or just remembering the time you were leaving for college.
‘Dope’ – Leaving August 10
Just a classic story about a nerd who loves hip-hop—sort of. Come for the 80s style, stay for the very funny performances and Shameik Moore’s face (consider this your formal invitation to slide into my DM’s, kthx).
‘Revenge’ Seasons 1-4 – Leaving August 28
Catch up on Revenge before it leaves forever.
