If you were a child in 90s, hell if you were ever a child at all, you were fucking obsessed with Disney princesses. They’re beautiful. They’re rich. They’re in love. Some of them are kinda smart. Everything young betches dream of growing up to be. But that was like, 20 years ago. What tf are all these princesses doing now? If I had to guess, they’re probs drunk fighting at a charity auction or dinner party, a lot like the Real Housewives. I feel like Snow White would be a total lush these days.
Instead of you spending hours trying to decipher which princess grew up to be which wife, we’ve done it for you. They even have their own taglines. You’re welcome.
Cinderella aka Nene Leakes
Why: While Cinderella was at her stepmom’s house doing a shit ton of chores, Nene was on the pole, stripping for a dollar. Sure, it started out a little rough but look at them now. Nene’s starred in a handful of TV and Broadway shows, and Cinderella is hands down the most famous of all the princesses. Started from the bottom, now we’re here.
Tagline: Whoever said diamonds were a girl’s best friend never owned a pair of glass Louboutins.
Snow White aka Erika Jayne
Why: A lot like Erika Jayne, Snow White doesn’t go anywhere without her squad. The dwarves may spend their days mining and tidying the house, but by night, they’re a full-on glam team that helps keep Snow looking fierce. If Erika Jayne will fly her posse of stylists and makeup artists to Dubai for a girls trip, you can bet Snow, an heiress to the thrown for Christ’s sake, would do the same.
Tagline: I’ll eat apples, but I prefer Champagne.
Belle aka Heather Dubrow
Why: Heather’s castmates constantly make fun of her for being “fancy pants,” which in OC terms means you have class. Belle goes through the same thing in her hometown, where all the locals think she’s a fucking weirdo because she likes books and wants to build The Belle Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Both Belle and Heather are also fans of diamonds in the rough when it comes to men. Belle’s bf was a hairy beast when they first met, but after a few weeks with Belle, he turned into a really hot prince. Terry Dubrow, on the other hand, was probs a total nerd, but now he’s like, the world’s richest plastic surgeon. And Belle and Heather look exactly alike. This one was easy af.
Tagline: They say behind every good man there’s a great woman. Behind a great man there’s me.
Jasmine aka Lisa Vanderpump
Why: Out of all the princesses Jasmine seems the richest. Probs because she’s a Middle Eastern princess and that oil money is no fucking joke. Why does this make her like Lisa Vanderpump? Because LVP has more money than God and Donald Trump combined, that’s why. Jasmine also has a pet tiger, and with all of Lisa’s swans and miniature horses and shit, it’s only a matter of time before a deadly, endangered cat is added to the mix.
Tagline: Pet tigers and magic carpet rides might seem extravagant, but that’s just me living my truth.
Ariel aka Tamra Judge
Why: In the past couple seasons, Tamra has gotten annoying AF about health and exercise. She opened a gym, won’t shut up about working out and even competes in fitness contests. Lol, k. While Ariel hasn’t hit the competition circuit quite yet, she does insist on wearing a bathing suit all fucking day to show off her perfect bod. She’s the princess you don’t wanna eat pizza around.
Tagline: If you think my life is easy, try swimming a mile in my shell bikini.
Pocahontas aka Bethenny Frankel
Why: Both Pocahontas and Bethenny are boss-ass bitches who know how to get what they want. If Bethenny thinks you’re being a hoe and wants to let you know about it in the Berkshires, she’ll do it. If Pocahontas wants to hook up with a English dude even though his friends are trying to kill her family and her dad said not to, she’ll do it. Plus, they both have huge boobs for how skinny they are. Lucky betches.
Tagline: Paint me in whatever light you want. I’ll just keep painting with all the colors of the wind.
Aurora aka Melissa Gorga
Why: This season, Melissa decided she wanted to open a clothing boutique despite the fact that she has no design and/or business experience whatsoever. #HousewivesProbs. Aurora tried to do the same thing once but ended up pricking her finger on a spindle because she didn’t know how to use it. She was so embarrassed, she blamed the whole thing on Maleficent and played the damsel card so her fuckboy would finally commit. Speaking of fuckboys. Sounds a lot like Melissa’s husband, Joe.
Tagline: I used to sleep through life. Now I’m living the dream.
Mulan aka Teresa Giudice
Why: Back in the day, it was illegal for women in China to fight for their country. Seems archaic and stupid, but it was the law. A law Mulan broke and got caught for. Same shit happened to Teresa. The big difference is Mulan ended up getting pardoned because she saved the entire country from Shan Yu and the Huns, while Teresa ended up doing hard time. Either way, they both brought dishonor to the family.
Tagline: If an avalanche can’t take me down, what makes you think you can?
Rapunzel aka Kyle Richards
Why: The hair. There is no other reason because no other reason is needed.
Tagline: If you’re jealous of my castle, just wait till you see my hair.
Tiana aka Kandi Burruss
Why: In a world of housewives who think they have vocal talent, Kandi is actually a really amazing singer and songwriter. All the princesses are pretty good. It’s part of the job. But Tiana wipes the floor with all of them when it comes to carrying a tune. Sorry, Cinderella. Kandi and Tiana also seem to be in semi-healthy relationships. Unlike some of her fellow princesses, Tiana took the time to get to know and fall in love with Naveen before, ya know, committing her whole fucking life to him. Kandi and her bae, Todd, seem pretty normal by Bravo standards.
Tagline: I was a girl then I was a frog and now I’m a princess. What I’ll be next is anybody’s guess.
Elsa aka Carole Radziwill
Why: We call them all Disney princesses, but that’s not 100% true because Elsa isn’t a princess. She’s a fucking snow queen. Carole can relate because she’s not just rich and successful like her fellow wives. Her late husband was a Polish prince and nephew to JFK and Jackie, so like, kind of a BFD. Carole is the closest thing to monarchy New York has (sorry, Anna Wintour. You’re not royalty) and Manhattan is cold af.
Tagline: Some people will tell you I’m a cold-hearted bitch. You should listen.
Since betches are always in high demand, over time the world has gradually created new portals through which we can be reached. Whether your computer-generated choice of communication is Ichat, Gchat, Facebook chat, or screaming through your hallway, the days of AOL instant messenger will always have a place in our hearts. This week we’re taking a few minutes to reflect on the days of screen names, profiles, away messages, and most of all, the premiere method of cyber shit talking of the 21st century.
As a tween choosing the perfect screen name was the hardest decision you had to make next to picking the venue of your your 12th birthday party and contemplating if it was normal that the boy with whom you shared your first kiss had a gigantic boner. This task was a delicate one, and as a betch-in-training you weren’t about to associate yourself with something infantile like jenna412 or kimberly89. Amateurs. This was your SCREEN NAME, your online nameplate. This wasn’t the time to fuck around. You already had a host of monogrammed jewelry so this was an opportunity to get creative. Had curly hair? Curlgurl97. Loved tennis? SGtennis810. Thought you were too good for everyone? AP2good4u.
Everyone knew that you were only as cool as the number of buddies on your buddy list. Ew, you have 55 total? I have more than 100 JUST on my BFFAE group list. Organizing your friends into categories and arranging them in the order of most liked to least was the only way betches knew how to use AIM. You have your camp besties, then your school besties, then the randos you met in Mexico. Place them in the wrong group and risk confusion as to why this boy whose SN was in group camp bffles was asking you to send him the picture of you two sharing a piña colada while getting your hair braided.
Let’s talk about AIM linguistics. When your bestie shot you one too many “ct”s you knew the bitch was pissed. WHY ARE YOU ONLINE IF YOU CAN’T TALK?! The abbrev LOL being used to actually mean something was funny brings us back to a time when the world was a simple place and an ‘nm u‘ was all you needed to catch up with your crew.
But more often than not, you pretty much knew everyone who was on your BL, not because you guys were so close, but because over time you became very familiar with their AIM profiles. Yes, we’re bringing back the profile. Remember how important it was to update this weekly if not daily? Your substitute teacher just sang “Who Let the Dogs Out” in the middle of class? OMG that has to go in my profile. English class period 6 LOLZ. Your BFF Sam tried to ask your science teacher when the test and the practical were but instead asked “Mrs. Gordon, when is the testicle?” Now that’s going in my profile. LOLZ Sammyy <3.
Of course after the 15-20 bulleted point list of HILARIOUS inside jokes, it was absolutely necessary to insert a very lighthearted and age-appropriate lyrical quote about love. Common ones included, “My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won’t you kill me, so I die happy” and of course, “And will you tell all your friends you’ve got your gun to my head. This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking. ” If you did not have a boyfriend at the time, it was still socially acceptable and most of the time encouraged to choose quotes that showed you are vulnerable and had the slightest clue what the fuck these songs were about and yet had only a slightly suicidal vibe.
However, if you did have a boyfriend or were with a guy who you wanted to date, there was nothing you looked forward to more—besides next spring’s collection of SoLow—than putting your boyfriend‘s name, in pink, with a heart, your anniversary date, and a few tildes, at the bottom of your profile. ~~ Bryan <3 2/14/03 ~~ Sure, after seeing this at the bottom of your Info someone could potentially confuse this sign of affection for a declaration of death, but who gives a shit? You’re the one with a boy’s name on your profile. Omg BRYAN’S DEAD!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?
And of course we can’t forget to mention Picture Trails. Before Facebook, betches needed a place to upload their pictures so that all their friends’ friends could see how much of an amazing time we always had at camp, school, and vaca. We also can’t forget to take this last second to delve into the most amazing thing since Twitter, the away message.
Whether you were stepping away from your computer just to go downstairs, pretending like you had other things to do than sit at your computer, or were trying to ignore someone, you would always put up an away message. Because you spent your days after school on AIM checking and rechecking the away message of every single one of your buddies, drafting the perfect away message was a high-skilled craft at which the only smartest of betches excelled. Feeling melancholy? Throw in any quote from Simple Plan and/or the Titanic. Only stepping away for a second and don’t want your crush to think you left? Brb. Have to shit really bad? Out to lunch!
But remember betches, technology always changes but the game stays the same. Just like with texting or friending, true betches were never the IMers, they were always the IMed. And everyone knows MSN was for fatties and foreigners.
In case you haven’t noticed, Hollywood isn’t that good at coming up with new ideas. Right now, we’re deep in a trend of rebooting all the best shows from the ‘90s, which we have mixed feelings about. Like, yeah it’s fun to relive our childhood, but it’s a little much. But the newest reboot is one we can definitely get behind: Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
First, and most importantly, there will be no Melissa Joan Hart. As sad as it makes us, Sabrina will still be a teenage witch, and Melissa is in her 40s. Sorry sweetie, maybe next time. In fact, it sounds like the new show will be taken in a much darker direction, focusing on Sabrina’s struggles against the evil that threatens her and everyone around her. Does this mean no talking cat? Because we’re very emotionally attached to Salem.
The show is being produced by the same team as the new Riverdale, which makes sense because Sabrina was originally a character in the same comic world as Archie (who knew?). Also, that means there are totally going to be crossover episodes between the two shows. It’s no Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice, but we’ll take what we can get around here.
We really hope the producers get this one right, so basically just don’t cast Bella Thorne as Sabrina. That’s all we ask. It sounds like the show is still in the preliminary phases, so it could be a while before you’re bingeing it in bed, but it’s coming down the pipeline sooner or later.
When thinking about toys from the ’90s, Beanie Babies are probably one of the first things that come to mind, after Gak and Cabbage Patch dolls that got recalled for eating a little girl’s hair. Beanie Babies were so popular that adults even got in on the game, convincing themselves for some reason that these Korean children’s toys that cost like five cents to make could be worth millions of dollars someday. (Side note: if you haven’t seen the photo of the world’s saddest couple dividing up their Beanie Babies in a divorce, stop what you’re doing and look at it right now.) I’d make fun of people for this, but I have like five Kylie Lip Kits so I can’t really say shit. As a child, the Beanie Baby was the perfect accessory to your Lisa Frank folder/Beauty And The Beast Lunchbox/Pocahontas backpack lifestyle, and were basically a requirement for any playdate that you were hoping would go well. Kind of like bringing a condom on dates today. If things really take off, you’re definitely going to want to have at least one Beanie Baby in your bag for a potential trade situation. But which Beanie Babies were the best? Well, there are a fuckload of them, but here is a ranking of the top 10, from back in the days when your biggest concern was how you could fit as many butterfly clips in your hair as the popular sixth grade girl on your bus.
10. Pinchers The Lobster
This lobster loves to pinch,
Eating his food inch by inch,
Balancing carefully with his tail,
Moving forward slow as a snail.
Okay I’m sorry but what child would choose a lobster Beanie Baby? I feel like on the list of kid-friendly animals, lobster ranks somewhere between an electric eel and one of those fish that has a light on its head. Maybe Ty saw The Little Mermaid and wanted to capitalize on the success of Sebastian, but I think we all know that Sebastian is the exception and not the rule. And also, isn’t he a crab? Just read Pinchers’ poem. None of the activities listed sound appealing to a child. Oh cool, a toy that is fat, lazy, and pinches people. Sign me the fuck up. Pinchers would only reasonably come into your Beanie Baby collection if you were one of those freaks who was like, actually trying to collect Beanie Babies, or when your one uncle who doesn’t have kids made an attempt at bringing you a present.
9. Patti The Platypus
Ran into Patti one day while walking,
Believe me she wouldn’t stop talking,
Listened and listened to her speak,
That would explain her extra large beak!
Okay calm the fuck down, Patti. I don’t have time to listen to you blabber on about bullshit all day. This was a stop and chat, but now you’re all up in my grill telling me about how platypuses are the only mammals who lay eggs and I’m like girl, you’ve told me this. You’ve told me this several times. I’m late for work now because of you and your ridiculous beak. Get your shit together. Kids who had this Beanie Baby were the ones who were desperate to “stand out” so instead of doing something cool like developing a skill, they just started saying weird shit like “my favorite animal is the platypus!” Please.
8. Humphrey The Camel
Humphrey’s resting here amid,
A desert near a pyramid,
He thinks that it would be just grand,
To live somewhere that has less sand!
Wow. Okay, Humphrey. Maybe take some responsibility for yourself? If you don’t want to live somewhere with so much sand, go on google, type in “apartments NYC” and get yourself a sublet. It’s not my responsibility to get you out of your situation. You have to do that for yourself. Also, you’re standing next to one of the literal wonders of the ancient world, so maybe try and count your blessings a little bit. As an animal, camels are cooler than platypuses (I looked it up, it’s “platypuses” not “platypi”) but only barely. They’re kind of like gross misshapen horses that spit on you and don’t look good on folders or pencil boxes or any of the other stuff you’d put a horse on so like…what’s the point?
7. Cubbie The Bear
Cubbie used to eat crackers and honey,
And then what happened to him was funny,
He was stung by fourteen bees,
Now Cubbie eats broccoli and cheese!
Umm excuse me? Wtf is this poem describing? What happened to Cubbie is not funny, it’s a very serious medical emergency. Fourteen bees?!? Cubbie is lucky he didn’t go into anaphylactic shock. Apart from his brush with death, Cubbie is just meh. He’s a bear, but like not one of the cool special edition bears that sit up straight and have a little patch over their heart. He’s just like…a regular old bear who lays on his stomach. (Though now that I’ve read his horrific poem, I’m thinking that maybe Cubbie doesn’t sit up because his heart was weakened after the bee attack, which is kind of sad.) Cubbie isn’t even a cool color, he’s just brown. A regular old brown bear that was stung by fourteen bees and has an extremely limited food palate. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of. Also, I fail to see how getting stung by a swarm of bees correlates with eating broccoli and cheese—which is not a part of a bear’s healthy diet, BTW. Cubbie, you’re gonna get sick, bro.
6. Spot The Dog
See Spot sprint, see Spot run,
You and Spot can have lots of fun,
Watch out now, because he’s not slow,
Just stand back and watch him go!
Spot is a dog. He likes to run. It’s kind of his thing. As far as dogs go, being named Spot and liking to run is as basic as it gets. Like, if Spot was a person his name would be Emily and his interests would include unicorn frappuccinos, Smartwater, and Michael Kors watches. He’d definitely be wearing Lululemon leggings, a Northface, and Adidas Superstars right now, and his hair would be ombré. When you try to talk to Spot, he’d say things like “Oh Em Gee!!!” and is perpetually on a juice cleanse. We all know Spot. We all have a Spot in our friend groups. Some days, when the temptation to start a wedding Pinterest grows too strong, we are Spot. Spot is like, fine, and a necessary addition to any Beanie Baby friend group, but like, he’s never going to be anybody’s fave. The other Beanie Babies mostly just keep him around so they don’t have to feel bad when they low-key want to see the next Katherine Heigl movie that comes out (Unforgettable looks really good, ya’ll…).
5. Chocolate The Moose
Licorice, gum and peppermint candy,
This moose always has these handy,
But there is one more thing he likes to eat,
Can you guess his favorite treat?
Chocolate. His favorite treat is chocolate. That’s the answer to the riddle. Takes a pretty high level of self-centeredness to have your favorite food also be your name, and I respect that. While moose (again, I looked it up—the plural of moose is moose) are not necessarily the betchiest animal on the surface, upon further investigation they have some hidden betchy tendencies, like getting wasted off fermented apples and running through town with Christmas lights on their head. Chocolate is also one of the OG beanie babies, which makes him a much hotter commodity among Beanie Baby collectors—which is apparently a group of people who still exist—so like, he’s one of the wealthier members of the Beanie Baby friend group. Still, as far as I recall, “moose” was definitely not at the top of any little girl’s animal companion wish list, so I doubt a lot of kids were going straight for Chocolate in the toy aisle. He’s more of a “I already have all the cute Beanie Babies and now I want to branch out into smellier animals” type of purchase.
4. Splash The Orca
Splash loves to jump and dive,
He’s the fastest whale alive,
He always wins the 100-yard dash,
With a victory jump he’ll make a splash.
Poor Splash. Sure, he had the distinction of coming out in post-Free Willy America, meaning he was a necessary part of any respectable Beanie Baby collection, but now that we’ve all see Blackfish, we know that Splash was suffering. Like, sure he can do the 100-yard dash, but does he want to? Is that a victory jump he’s doing, or an attempt to escape to the sea and search for his mother, who he was stolen from at birth? Splash belongs in the ocean with the other orcas, not at the bottom of your toy chest trying to make smalltalk with a giraffe. And with all that we now know about the horrible conditions in which Orcas are kept, this photo is extremely disturbing:
Still cute, tho.
3. Flash The Dolphin
You know dolphins are a smart breed,
Our friend Flash knows how to read,
Splash the whale is the one who taught her,
Although reading is difficult under water!
I honestly can’t imagine a better time in the little girl-dolphin relationship than the early ’90s. We’ve got Lisa Frank to thank for that. As a 6-year-old, there were like two acceptable favorite animals, and dolphin was definitely one of them. Dolphins had an amazing PR campaign to market themselves as cute, friendly animals, when in reality they’re just really horny. Dolphins are some of the only animals besides humans and bonobos that have sex for pleasure, which raises some serious questions about how this dolphin got the name “Flash.” Like, I have a feeling it’s not related to speed. Still, no true child of the ’90s would not have made Flash a top priority for their collection, and her ability to be considered respectable while being a closet freak is something we should all admire.
2. Mystic The Unicorn
Once upon a time in a land far away,
A baby unicorn was born one day in May,
Keep Mystic with you she’s a prize,
You’ll see the magic in her blue eyes.
Mystic the unicorn was the central figure in most little girls’ Beanie Baby collections. Like, if you did not have Mystic, you def can’t sit with us. Mystic is also one of the only OG Beanie Babies that is not a real animal (later they’d add like, ghosts and shit, but much like the Pokémon beyond 150, we do not recognize them as legitimate). There’s really not much else to say about Mystic except that she’s a unicorn, she’s gorgeous, and after about two weeks of hanging out in the bottom of your backpack her white coat would turn a sort of smudge-y grey and your mom would have to run her through the wash, at which point her horn would kind of never be the same. Bummer.
1. Princess Diana
Like an angel she came from heaven above,
She shared her compassion, her pain, her love,
She only stayed with us long enough to teach,
The world to share, to give, to reach.
There is no question in anyone’s mind that the Princess Diana Beanie Baby was basically the Lumee case of Beanie Babies. She was luxury, special edition, and only your friend with rich parents and serious Beanie Baby collections had her. She was so special that, despite being a children’s toy, she was not to be played with. Nope. As soon as you bought this priceless heirloom, your parents would stick her in one of those clear plastic Beanie Baby boxes and put her on a high shelf so no one dare fuck with her. And unlike literally every other member of the Beanie Baby family, she was actually a good investment. A couple in the UK sold their mint condition Diana for $100,000, meaning that a purple bear your parents probably sold at a yard sale in 2001 could have actually paid for your college. I guess I finally understand what that Beanie Baby divorce couple was actually talking about.
Early 2000s MTV was television at its finest. I know there are people that love the vintage shit where it was all about music, and then millennials will bitch about how great Teen Mom is because it opened their eyes to the epidemic of teen pregnancy in trailer parks across America, but like, none of that holds a fucking candle to the days of Real World, The Hills and My Super Sweet Sixteen. It was our first taste of reality TV besides shit like Survivor and American Idol, and we wanted to be exactly like everyone on these shows, even if they were trashy and/or douchey af. There are people who say that Netflix and other streaming services have brought us to the age of “peak TV,” but anyone who had the pleasure of watching Sammi and Ronnie in their first season knows that we reached “peak TV” long ago. That’s why we’re ranking our fave MTV shows from our youth by the only metric that matters: betchiness. Also because like, it’s better than focusing on whatever tf is going on today.
10. ‘Jersey Shore’
Don’t get me wrong, I fucking live for a weekend-long marathon of GTL, bar brawls and Sammi Sweetheart screaming Rahhhnnn at least seven times an episode, but like, this group of guidos and the Jersey Shore in general is so not betchy. They wore shit from… Fuck, idk where you buy shit like that because I would never, but y’all know what I’m talking about. It all looked like it came from the back room at the airbrush T-shirt store they “worked” in. They had a duck land line for fuck’s sake. Funny, but not betchy.
9. All Of The Dating Shows
Looking back on it, all of these shows were beyond fucked up. We think going on Tinder and Bumble is bad? Try having a fuckboy judge whether or not you’re worth his time by going on a date with your mom. Dating in the early 2000s was absolute savage. There was Next, where possible datees sat on a bus together and the main suitor just said “next” after five minutes if they were bored or thought you were ugly; Date My Mom, which is self-explanatory I hope; Room Raiders so pervy dudes everywhere could judge high school girls by their underwear drawer and women could use black light technology to see exactly how much men ejaculate on stuff; and my personal fave, Parental Control, where parents who hated their kid’s S.O. forced them to go on dates with other people and then they watched WITH THE BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. I’m shook just thinking about it. Anyway, these were fun to watch, but like, if you need to go on one of these wack-ass shows to find love, you def can’t sit with us.
8. ‘Real World’
Real World is basically the OG reality show. If you’re anything like me, Real World was the first show you watched behind your parents’ backs because they didn’t want you turn into an alcoholic thot like all the girls on there. Understandable. The show was entertaining af, mainly because it was a bunch of semi-hot strangers who lived together and therefore ended up fucking, almost killing each other, or saying something racist. Sometimes all three. Naturally. It was fine and we all loved it, but everyone on it was legit trash and was either forgettable or went on to compete on Road Rules or The Challenge aka is now just a desperate middle-aged fame whore. No fucking thanks.
Ahhh… The classic tale of the state-winning high school football team and their undying love for every girl on the cheerleading squad. It was pretty much just MTV capitalizing off all of us being obsessed with Friday Night Lights by giving us a way more boring real life version. I loved it at the time because I could like, relate and shit, but now it’s just meh. Football captain Alex and cheerleading captain Kristin were a cute couple and all, but I would rather exercise than watch people do sports. And that’s serious.
Who doesn’t want to look in celebrities’ houses and see all the tacky shit new money can buy? Hopefully no one because that shit is entertaining. It gains betch points because the whole premise is touring v expensive mansions, but loses points because there’s no drama. Show me an episode of Taylor Swift’s “pad” as they liked to call it and have Katy Perry or like, any of the other billion people who hate her throw a glass of wine in her face. Now that’s a damn show. We need to get Andy Cohen on this, asap.
5. ‘My Super Sweet 16’
It’s a fucking miracle I didn’t turn into a legit terror because of this show. Or maybe I did, idk. Ask my mom. But despite them being the fucking worst, these spoiled af teens were betchy. They knew what they wanted and got it. Even if it was a six figure birthday party. I specifically remember one with two girls who had Sex and the City drag queens and Three 6 Mafia performed. Like, that’s legit af. But god, everyone was so annoying.
4. ‘Laguna Beach’
Let’s have a moment of silence for the first time we met Lauren Conrad… Okay enough of that. Who would have thought an overly bleached blonde teen that obsessed over a guy who friend zoned her for the BSCB would end up being our life idol? But here we are. There was the perfect mix of nice guys, mean girls, and people in the middle we’d actually wanna hang out with and I may or may not have tried to convince my parents to move to the real O.C. more than once. A lot like Two-A-Days, MTV just took a popular TV drama (The O.C., fucking duh) and turned it into a less exciting reality show. I mean, Laguna Beach was great, but no one OD’d in TJ or anything.
3. ‘8th & Ocean’
This is def one of the most underrated, forgotten MTV shows of all time. Beautiful people in a beautiful place with a decent amount of drama? I’m in. We watched really really ridiculously good looking models live together and fight about bookings and who was hotter. Riveting. There were the twins from the astigmatism commercial, the innocent new girl, the heartthrob and some more people who were there but irrelevant. In fact, is there anyway we can make this happen now? With like Gigi, Kendall, Bella, and the likes? God, I should be in television.
2. ‘The City’
This show could have slid into the number one spot because of head betch Olivia Palermo herself. Was she the mean girl who treated nicey-nice Whitney like shit while they worked at DVF? Sure. But welcome to NYC, bitch. You’re not in L.A. anymore. It’s cutthroat af. On The City, we watched Whitney go off on her own and stop being in Lauren’s less qualified but still more successful shadow. She hung with models, worked in fashion, got a scruffy boyfriend in a band, pretty much your usual basic new to New York betch starter kit. But we love Whitney and New York. And we really really love Olivia Palermo.
1. ‘The Hills’
Fucking duh. Lauren Conrad went from back burner betch to HBIC in like one fucking year. Sure, there was the whole Jason Wahler, giving up Paris to live with your bf at the beach thing, but we’re gonna pretend season 1 didn’t happen. We naively believed that Lauren was actually an intern at Teen Vogue and that she and Brody were soul mates and that she really did coincidentally meet a hot, already mic’d girl at the pool of her apartment. Were we stupid? Yeah. But The Hills gave us Lauren Conrad 2.0, one of the betchiest of all betches.
Well, just when you thought the early 2000s renaissance had reached its peak, Tyra Banks confirmed today that in addition to returning as host of America’s Next Top Model, she will be reprising her iconic role as ‘Eve’ in the Life Size sequel. Guess she’s also found herself longing for the Bush era. Or she needs money. Either way, we all win.
The fIlm, which I imagine will sweep next year’s Oscars, was greenlit by Freeform, Disney’s red-headed stepchild, and will apparently run as part of their “25 Days of Christmas” programming month.
The movie will star Tyra (duh), who is also executive producer ($$$) but apparently nobody has reached out to Lindsay Lohan to reprise her role as Casey, which is a goddamn tragedy. Why wouldn’t Disney want Lindsay involved in their wholesome Christmas project? I literally can’t think of a single reason. Not one.
Life Size 2 will apparently focus on a “grown up” Eve who is “magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again,” so like…this time the doll comes to life and helps a grown woman? Why tf would a grown woman keep a doll around for this long? My mom threw all that shit away as soon as I got boobs. And it’s…Christmas? Why? Also, what does a “grown up” Eve mean? Does it mean she’s learned how to type on a computer?
For those of you who need a refresher, Life Size was the heartwarming tale of a little girl named Casey (aka Lindsay Lohan 100 mental breakdowns ago) who goes to a local bookstore to buy a book on magic so that she can bring her dead mom back to life, like ya do. Sadly, Casey fucks up the spell and brings her knock-off Barbie Doll, Eve, to life instead. Eve is beautiful, but also a fucking idiot, and the two teach each other lessons about how to be confident and never giving up and shit.
Eve is sad to learn that as a doll, she’s not doing too great, and the fake Mattel company that makes her, Marathon, might discontinue her because girls don’t like dolls anymore. God damn you, feminism! At the end of the movie, just when you think Eve is going to stay human and get with Casey’s dad, Eve fully 180s and performs a reverse spell on herself so that she can turn back into a doll.
The movie is amazing for many reasons, most of which are Tyra Banks. Here is a literal quote from the Wikipedia summary of the movie, just to jog your memory about some of it’s most iconic scenes:
“Over the next few days, Eve buys clothes at the local shopping mall, uses her police training to stop a truck that almost runs Casey over, smells and eats for the first time, tries to do secretarial work, sings her theme song, and almost sets the Stuarts’ kitchen on fire. She also helps Casey cope with the loss of her mother.”
Incredible. The movie also features some amazing 2000s era computer work, like this very reputable looking website Lindsay Lohan uses to learn about resurrecting the dead:
TBH, there’s a lot of potential here for the Life Size sequel, but only if they do it right. I think I speak for everyone when i say that LiLo’s involvement is crucial here. I mean, who could use the help of a doll role model come to life than Lindsay? Maybe Eve could help Lindsay reintegrate into normal society, first by helping her re-learn how to talk without a fake accent, and getting to the bottom of her whole “converting to Islam” thing. The movie could end with Tyra turning back into a doll, as Lindsay checks herself into a rehab facility in Malibu.
Oh, and like, it’s Christmas or whatever.
Ever wonder what your Disney Channel crushes from back in the day are currently up to? Well you’re in for a treat because we caught up with some of the biggest stars from the ‘90’s/early ‘00s to see how they’re doing in 2017. Some of them have made some fairly dramatic transformations, but they’ll never forget their formative years at Disney and in our hearts.
Erik von Detten
We’re not gonna lie, Erik von Detten is looking rough as hell these days. He’s aged about 60 years since his role in Brink!, but that doesn’t stop him from getting back on his skateboard every now and then. Even though he can only ride downhill in keeping with his life’s trajectory, it’s great to see Erik doing what he loves.
Remember Chez Starbuck from The Thirteenth Year? If so you’ll be relieved to know that our favorite young merman has recently transitioned into a beautiful beluga whale. He’s settled with a wife and kids about five miles off the coast of Miami Beach, FL, and you might even see him going for a swim if you take a boat out around sunset.
After playing the lead in the DCOM classic The Luck of the Irish, Ryan Merrimack was getting offered sponsorship deals for Irish brands left and right. We think he picked a good one, since he’s now basically the most famous leprechaun in the world and gets free marshmallow cereal for the rest of his life.
Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-off was all about a young boy having to make a choice between his two loves: cooking and baseball. These days Taylor Ball is proving you really can have it all since he’s got an amazing job as a waiter at The Cheesecake Factory and he also watches baseball games sometimes.
The Lawrence Brothers
There used to be three Lawrence brothers back in the day, and they often co-starred in Disney Channel movies and shows together. Sometime over the last few years they decided to all morph into a hotter, younger version of Joey, which is much better if you ask us.
Dylan and Cole Sprouse
Dylan and Cole Sprouse, the lovable twins from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, were determined to continue working for the Disney brand after their debut series ended. They recently found a new role as twins—the adorable Chip and Dale—whom they dress up as seven days a week at Disneyland for minimum wage.
Whether he was creating the next digital pop sensation in Pixel Perfect or messing around with gadgets in Phil of the Future, Ricky Ullman was always playing a tech nerd during his time at Disney. No wonder that in 2017 he’s gone full geek and turned into an Alexa who can provide information on news, sports and entertainment all for the low, low cost of $200.
Steven Anthony Lawrence
The classic story of the “awkward” kid blossoming into a beauty: Steven Anthony Lawrence AKA “Beans” from Even Stevens is now the famous heartthrob Ryan Gosling. Bet you wish you didn’t turn down all those date offers now, huh?
Ever since the High School Musical franchise, Corbin Bleu has had an acting career that’s been basically unstoppable. He most recently had a pivotal role in the Oscar award-winning film La La Land as a dancer in the first sequence, fifth car back in the first row.
No one has seen Clayton Snyder, who played Ethan on Lizzie McGuire, since he walked off the set of the final episode in 2004. If you have any leads whatsoever, please let us know immediately.
In honor of the TBT, we need to take it back to the Godfather of MTV reality dramas. Without Laguna Beach we would have never been blessed with The Hills or even The City. In case you needed reminded that you’re old AF now, the first episode of Laguna Beach aired in 2004. That was so long ago Kim Kardashian’s claim to fame was still that she was “Paris Hilton’s assistant.” Seriously. That was the year that America thought that maybe John Kerry could be president. Let that shit sink in for a minute. While you’re mulling that over, we’ve ranked the top 10 cast members on the show for your reading pleasure.
10. Morgan Smith
I low-key loved Morgan on the show for being just the right dose of sweet and salty. Morgan was the Mormon of the group and her big drama came when she went to dramatically open her admissions letter to BYU on the beach and ended up getting rejected. Ouch. She eventually reapplied and got in later so things didn’t actually turn out to badly for her. She eventually got married to another Mormon dude and now has a children’s clothing company or something extremely lame. Good for sweet, little Morgan.
9. Trey Phillips
Aw, we loved Trey. While all the other guys on the show just seemed to be out to get their dicks wet, Trey was volunteering and shit. He seemed particularly woke for a high school kid from the real Orange County. Remember when he did that odd hat fashion show for Active Young America and had all his friends model his stuff? That’s a classic episode of Laguna Beach right there. He seems to have turned out pretty normal. He still volunteers and is an Associate Designer for Vera Wang.
8. Jessica Smith
Jessica was probably best known for who she dated more than what she did on the show. Sure, she and Kristin were pretty good friends, but she was kind of a hot mess. She wasn’t as put together as Lo and LC and she wasn’t as much of a man-eater as Kristin. She kind of just dated and broke up with people as part of her character arc. She started as Dieter’s girlfriend and then quickly moved on to Jason. So, yeah, technically Lauren got her sloppy seconds, so I guess that’s something. She’s chosen not to pursue a career in the limelight. That’s probably for the best.
7. Dieter Schmitz
Dieter was to Stephen as Lo was to Lauren. He wasn’t what people paid to see, but he was a solid cast member. We’ve just established that Dieter and Jessica dated before she moved on to Jason. I don’t mean to slut shame, but this girl really made her way around the men on this show. Anyway, Dieter wasn’t just Stephen’s bestie, he was also pretty great friends with LC and by friends with we mean friend-zoned by. That situation kind of turned Dieter into a go-between with Lauren and Stephen. Also, I can’t be the only one who feels disturbed that someone thought Dieter Schmitz was a good name for a baby human.
6. Jason Whaler
You probably remember Jason more from The Hills than from Laguna Beach, but he was totally there too. In fact, his dating drama didn’t start with LC, it started with Jessica. They were the couple no one wanted to be around because they fought all the fucking time. It was probably a relief for the entire friend group when they broke up. Except, as soon as they broke up, Jessica went skiing at Mammoth and he immediately asked Alex out. That’s cold, bro and high school drama at its finest. We loved it. It was actually kind of a surprise that Lauren eventually went for him, but we all know how that turned out.
5. Talan Torriero
As far as dudes of Laguna Beach go, Talan was a safe second choice. Sure, he wasn’t the total star of the show, but he was always a great sounding board for Stephen’s lady drama. Not that Stephen was the only one that could pull girls, Talan was the show’s resident player. Did you like how I used the word player to keep with the times of the show? I mean, I guess, nowadays we’d probably call him a fuckboy. When Kristin and Stephen were in a fight, which was basically always, she’d hit up Talan. That’s a back burner bro if we’ve ever seen one.
4. Lo Bosworth
Lo is best friend goals personified. Even when she appeared on The Hills, she was the best wing woman LC—or anyone else for that matter—could have. Lo was super cute and laid back. While everyone else was causing drama, Lo was just chilling on the couch, ready to offer super hilarious commentary. She also kept it real, like when Lauren’s parents grounded her for bad grades so she couldn’t go to Catalina and Lo was like, ha well yeah, you should have gotten better grades. Even your best friends throw you under the bus sometimes and you love them even more for it.
3. Stephen Colletti
STE-Phen was the Orange County surfer boy of your dreams. What makes a person more desirable than having the two hottest girls in high school fight over him on TV? Stephen was always the most chill, even when playing Kristin and LC like the fiddles they were. He was also just a standup dude in the friend group, except for that time he called Kristin a slut for dancing on the bar in Cabo. Relax dude, what happens in Cabo stays in Cabo, remember? He was always invited to everything and, much like Ke$ha in 2009, the party didn’t start until he walked in. Add in a puka shell necklace and and his dark hair and he was a gift to every girl the early aughts. He later went on to start in One Tree Hill, but it was, like, after Chad Michael Murray left so no one cared anymore.
2. Kristin Cavallari
Guys, we know Kristin was ahead of her time because she’s wearing a choker in like every episode on the first season of Laguna Beach. She was the spunky junior that hung out with all the seniors and dated the heartthrob of the group: STE-Phen! She hated LC for her nice girl ways and was always the first one to dance on the table, errr, bar in Cabo. Even though she was painted as the villain on this show, she kind of turned things around by the time she got on The Hills. Now, she has like 19 kids and is married to Jay Cutler, so she seems to be doing all right for herself. Also, she tried to make removable bangs happen. Let us not forget.
1. Lauren Conrad
We give Lauren the top spot even though she was kind of the nice girl juxtaposition to Kristen’s bad betch. Lauren was the girl you actually wanted to be friends with when she was on Laguna and then again when she took the star spot on The Hills. Whether she was driving Kristen crazy by going on dates with her boyfriend or having a weird, mascara-laced cry over a sex tape rumor or some shit, Lauren was captivating to watch. Thank god for this show because Lauren staying in the limelight has #blessed us with a couple pretty decent clothing lines and probably one of our favorite Insta follows. Now she’s running some sort of lifestyle empire, married to a lawyer, and expecting a baby. We’re glad things turned out so well for LC.