The 6 Craziest Moments From The Stormy Daniels Interview

Just this month we’ve been bitchslapped by the likes of four different blizzards, but those were all just warmups for the real winter storm that touched down last night on 60 Minutes: Stormy Daniels. For the first time since news of the Forbes-spank-heard-round-the-world broke, Stormy finally spoke out to tell her side of the story to the impeccably chiseled silver fox, Anderson Cooper. Some of the facts we already knew, however there was still plenty of tea to be spilled. So what did we learn from the eye of the Storm? These are her stories.

1. The Spanking Was Her Idea

It was a dark and Stormy night (lol sry can’t help myself) when The Donald approached Ms. Daniels at a celebrity golf tournament. He invited her over and, according to Stormy, talked about himself the entire time. How surprising and unexpected.

At one point during the conversation, Trump picked up a magazine to show off his own photo on the cover. Like any woman who has ever dealt with a shamelessly self-absorbed fuckboy, Stormy had pretty much the only logical response, telling Trump that someone “should take that magazine and spank with it.” And so it is written, so it shall be done. Anderson Cooper was all of us upon hearing this, asking Stormy, “You told Donald Trump to turn around and take off his pants?” Because seriously, on what planet is that something you’d actually want Trump to do?

2. Donald Has Daddy Daughter Issues

We’ve known for a while that Donald Trump thinks his daughter, Ivanka, is a regulation hottie. To be Trump’s type, you either need to be a foreign model who speaks limited English, or blonde, like Ivanka. He’s a man of many nuanced tastes.

During her time in his hotel room, Trump told Stormy, “You are special, you remind me of my daughter – smart, beautiful.” I’m not really sure what triggered that association, but I imagine it went something like this:

Stormy Daniels: *spanks Trump*

Donald Trump: Wow, you really know how to use those hands. You know who has good hands? My daughter Ivanka. Softest hands ever. Big, like mine, because I’m her daddy. Are you somebody’s daughter too?

3. Trump Didn’t Use A Condom

According to Stormy, she asked about his wife (who had just given birth to their son, Barron), and Trump assured her that Melania was staying in a separate room and wouldn’t be an issue. Next thing you know, he’s “perched” on the bed and Stormy realized she had gotten herself into quite the pickle. She claimed she didn’t want to get anywhere near his pickle and wasn’t attracted to him at all because she’s a human being with eyes and a brain.

Still, she chose to go ahead with it because she felt like she had put herself in a bad situation and deserved what was coming to her. Quick PSA to all women: you don’t owe anyone anything, and you can always say no at any point. That being said, this isn’t even the craziest part of the story because apparently TRUMP DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM. I’ve thrown up in my mouth at least three times trying to write that sentence. If you wouldn’t pick up dog crap without a plastic bag on your hand, you should not be letting that fleshy baby carrot anywhere near your body if it’s not wrapped in latex, bubble wrap, and disinfectant.

4. Stormy Was Threatened To Keep Quiet

In May of 2011, Stormy agreed to sell her story for to a magazine for $15k. Trump’s people stopped that in its tracks and tried to make sure Stormy would never come for Trump at a public level. When the election race started heating up, the offers came pouring in for her to speak out and tell the story again from her perspective. One day, she was threatened by a man who approached her in a Vegas parking lot, telling her to leave Trump alone and physically threatening her in front of her infant daughter.

My grandpa actually helped build Trump tower when Trump was only known as a greedy businessman (lmk when you’d like to film my 60 Minutes episode, Anderson. I’m ready for my closeup), so I’ve heard since I was little that Trump was a “wise guy.” Little did we know he’d actually resort to mob tactics to threaten his enemies. But the chances of any one of Trump’s henchmen successfully carrying out some kind of hit? Fuggedaboutit.

5. Trump’s Lawyer Might Be In Some Deep Shit

Michael Cohen, Trump’s attorney, drew up a deal with Stormy 11 days before the election, where she would agree to stay silent for a payout of $130k, which Cohen would pay her personally. If this sounds shady, you’re not wrong, because Michael Cohen may have illegally violated his campaign contribution limits by paying for something that would benefit or protect Trump’s campaign. Cohen says that neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign reimbursed him, but that won’t matter much if what he did was not exactly on the right side of the law to begin with.

Trump also never signed the NDA, which could render it completely invalid and give Stormy the freedom to say whatever’s on her mind. The truth, she will come out, hunty. And when she does, she’ll read you all for filth.

6. Stormy May Or May Not Have Receipts

Hot Damn-derson Cooper asked both Stormy and her lawyer if they have any photos, text messages, or videos of the affair, and they were both v cagey about it. What’s the deal, Storm? Are you sitting on some juicy nudes? Is there a sex tape? Does the world actually want to see any of that or is it going to be like a “2 Girls 1 Cup” thing where we immediately regret watching, but we can’t look away? Only one way to find out.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

All The Dumbest Quotes From Betsy DeVos’ Embarrassing ’60 Minutes’ Interview

If you’re looking for some quality comedic content, I suggest watching the 60 Minutes interview with Betsy DeVos. She looks legit terrified the entire time. Like, it looks as though she is internally screaming, “OH GOD, I HOPE SHE DOESN’T ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT SCHOOLS.” Unfortunately for DeVos, she does get asked about schools. And as the Secretary of Education, she doesn’t seem to know how schools work. Word.

In case you don’t have time to watch Betsy DeVos not know how to answer basic questions about education, we have picked out the dumbest quotes from the interview. Talking shit, it’s what we do best. Once you’re done laughing at how dumb DeVos sounds in this interview, remember that children’s lives are in her hands and her complete incompetence has real and devastating effects. Sorry, the truth hurts.

MAGA people are rushing to defend Betsy DeVos, who was ambushed by unfair gotcha questions like “Have you ever been in a cafeteria” and “What do you think schools do”

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 12, 2018

“We need to be investing in students, not in school buildings.”

Is her plan to hand out cash to the students individually? No more renovations for these school buildings, let’s get these kids some cash! What did school buildings ever to do DeVos? Does she realize the students that she wants to invest in need the buildings in order to go to school? Does she know what a school building is? These are the Q’s that I have.

“There are certainly lots of pockets where schools are doing well.”

Ah yes, the pockets. Love a good pocket. Love visiting a pocket and being like, “hey, schools seem to be doing well here.” As long as there are pockets where schools are doing well, DeVos has clearly done her job. Lol jk she sucks.

Sec. of Education Betsy DeVos struggles to answer fairly basic questions on school performance on 60 Minutes

— Axios (@axios) March 12, 2018

“I hesitate to talk about schools in general because schools are made up of individual students attending them.”

Why talk about schools as a whole when there are real live, individual students attending them? Sure, the entire education system seems to be failing. But tbh Jimmy, a student, is thriving. He made varsity and got his braces off. Things are going really great for him. Let’s talk about Jimmy. In all honesty though, the Secretary of Education said that she doesn’t want to talk about schools in general. Cool, cool, cool. Great answer.

“I have not — I have not — I  have not intentionally visited schools that are underperforming.”

Is this a remix? Is Betsy DeVos having a stroke? Has she visited underperforming schools on accident? Wtf is happening here?

This entire mess of an answer about institutional racism:

Will Secretary DeVos scrap Obama-era "guidance on how to identify, avoid, and remedy discriminatory discipline"? "We're studying it carefully," the secretary tells 60 Minutes.

— 60 Minutes (@60Minutes) March 11, 2018

I just. I can’t.

“I don’t know.”

This one was used as an answer throughout the entire interview. Very reassuring. The best was when she was being asked about sexual assault on campuses, and if she believed there were as many false accusations as there are actual rapes. DeVos did not know if the numbers were the same. That’s cool, because there are literally peer reviewed studies on this subject available online. It’s your job to know, Betsy. Read a fucking article.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


Your Beloved Avocado Toast Is Keeping You From Buying A House

If you saw avocados were trending today and wondered why, you can thank Tim Gurner, the 35-year-old Australian real estate mogul who went on Australian 60 Minutes and implied that the reason millennials don’t have houses is because we’re spending too much money on avocado toast. I mean, just by reading that sentence and letting it roll around in your brain for a few seconds I think anyone can poke holes in Gurner’s theory, but just as with any stupid shit someone says on television, were here at Betches feel compelled to respond.

Tim Gurner, welcome to your tape.

First off, I reject literally everything you have to say in this interview. I reject the premise. I reject the idea that all that stands between me and my very own above ground pool is a creamy serving of healthy fats. I reject your knock-off Wolf Of Wall Street look. I reject all of it. Go home. Take an L. You’re drunk.

Construction mogul Tim Gurner is upfront about Australia’s housing problem -he says his generation needs to stop whinging & start saving.

— 60 Minutes Australia (@60Mins) May 14, 2017

Gurner starts out his interview by saying, “When I was buying my first home, I wasn’t buying smashed avocado for $19 and four coffees at $4 each,” which like, okay, that’s cool, but guess what… maybe the people who are spending their money on avocado toast aren’t like, looking to buy a house? Have you considered that perhaps this new generation of people also comes with a new set of priorities? Like, you know how your generation’s priorities were doing coke and using the stock market to wreck the economy and destroy the prospects of the middle class for generations to come? Well ours are doing molly and dealing with the fact that our undergrad degree cost three times what we make annually. That’s just how it goes.

And speaking of the wrecked economy, have you considered that (and we’ll say this loud for the people in the back) millennials inherited the worst financial crisis since The Great Depression? We’re bogged down by incredible student loan debt, and are unable to advance in our careers at the same rate Gen Y and Baby Boomers did because those aforementioned Gen Y and Baby Boomers are unable to retire and still in the jobs market. So yeah, we don’t exactly have the money to be buying a fucking house right now. We have to like, pay our phone bills and shit.

Were cell phones around when Tim Gurner was a young entrepreneur? Literally no. Beepers seem way more affordable. Kim Possible had one in high school.

While putting away thousands of dollars from each paycheck in hopes of acquiring a coveted mortgage seems pretty impossible for a millennial in an entry level job who makes $35k a year, it’s a lot more affordable for us to splurge on a damn avocado toast for $15 or a $4 iced coffee when the direct deposit hits. (Sidebar: You can totally get an avocado toast for less than $15. DM me for deets)

Gurner went on to say, “When I had my first business when I was 19, I was in the gym at 6am in the morning, and I finished at 10.30 at night, and I did it seven days a week, and I did it until I could afford my first home. There was no discussions around, could I go out for breakfast, could I go out for dinner. I just worked.”

Yes Tim. Please enlighten a generation of people who have had to settle for making ends meat by juggling unpaid internships, side hustles, the gig economy, freelance, and the occasional misguided sugar daddy meet-up on the value of hard work. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve considered going to foot fetish parties so that I could make rent, Timmy? Do you? The fact that you can look at a generation of people who have all spent at least one night of their lives obsessively googling how much their sperm and eggs are worth and tell us we don’t make enough sacrifices for financial gain is truly disturbed. Literally all this sentiment taught me was that when you were 19 you could afford a gym membership. Unheard of.

Gurner also said “We’re at a point now where the expectations of younger people are very, very high. They want to eat out every day, they want to travel to Europe every year. The people that own homes today worked very, very hard for it, saved every dollar, did everything they could to get up the property investment ladder.”

Yes Tim, the generation that literally invented the concept of Netflix and Chill’s expectations are “too high.” Wow. I didn’t realize how spoiled we millennials were for wanting to go on vacation and eat out. It’s not like spending your money on experiences (i.e., eating out and going on vacation) is scientifically proven to bring you more happiness than spending it on material items like a wrap-around porch. 

But more importantly—if millennials want to spend their money on food and trips rather than buying homes, who the fuck cares? Truly. Who? As time progresses, wealth is measured in different ways. Sure, buying a home was the ultimate in financial stability for Gurner and his giant forehead, but go back a hundred years or so and wealth was measured in the amount of chickens or pigs and shit you could get for marrying off your daughter. Does Tim Gurner have any chickens or pigs? Probably not. For our generation, having a kickass Instagram full of great looking food and amazing vacays is worth a lot more socially than a white picket fence in the suburbs. You might think that’s stupid, but guess what, it’s not really up to you. Also, maybe part of the reason we don’t want houses is because when we were in high school the housing bubble burst and literally millions of people lost their homes? Just a thought. 

This entire idea of millennials spending all their money eating out is, quite literally, fake news. Studies show that millennials spend 44% of their “food dollars” on eating out, meaning that 56% of the time, we’re bringing hard boiled eggs to work and microwaving a Top Ramen for dinner. Also, just because someone is “eating out” doesn’t mean they’re buying some insanely trendy Instagram food. They could literally be going to Subway, which is a huge sacrifice in and of itself.

And really, who is eating this much avocado toast? Seriously. I want names. Like, I’ll occasionally get one when I’m at boozy brunch and trying to feel fancy, but I think most millennials fully recognize that it is not a daily meal. Anyone who is buying avocado toast on the daily is probably doing so less because they are a millennial, and more because they’re fucking psycho. In the past six months, I imagine that (and this is a generous estimate), I have maybe spent $50 on avocado toast. Maybe. Do any of y’all know a house that I can get for $50 that doesn’t come with a live-in crackhead? Probably not.

Also, four $4 coffees?? Who is doing this?? A tall coffee at Starbucks literally costs $1.85, and I highly doubt anyone is getting four of them in one day (if you are, please see a doctor). Like, yeah, fraps and stuff are expensive, but if anyone is drinking 4 frappuccinos a day they should be way more concerned with the fact that they’re going to lose a foot to diabetes than their future home buying prospects.

Finally, and I truly cannot stress this enough, I think I speak for all millennials when I say we’re kind of over taking the advice of real estate moguls with questionable hair. It honestly has not been working out so well for us lately. 

Tim, I get that like, giving unsolicited financial advice to millennials is the only thing that gets Gen Y hard these days, but you fucking played yourself. Millennials aren’t buying houses because they don’t want houses, and avocados are fucking delicious treats that make us feel better about the fact that all the generations before us are going to the polls and destroying the world because they don’t like how things have been going since the internet was invented. Maybe instead of complaining about people who are younger/hotter than you, you should use your incredible business sense to help create a world where someone can have both avocado toast and a house. It would be a much more useful way for you to spend your time, and people would probably hate you a lot less. Just a thought.