Sometimes, even for sex goddesses such as ourselves, banging the same person can get a little predictable. You meet for dinner, drink too much wine, the condom breaks and you take a terrifying trip to the pharmacy down the block, etc. etc. etc. Nothing to write home about. Not that you would write home about your sex life, anyway. Weird. And considering how easily betches get bored, it’s no wonder 75 percent of hookups end in male tears (citation needed). It also explains why your mom is still obsessed with 50 Shades of
Fucked Up Grey despite it being a literally terrible book and possibly the work of a 13-year-old virgin with an overactive imagination.
But let me be clear: There are a bunch of ways to make sex more interesting without resorting to fisting and butt plugs (unless you’re into fisting and butt plugs (That’s what 50 Shades is about, right?). I mean, IDGAF if that’s your thing, but you have to know that’s a little out there for most of the population. So for everyone else that wants their night to include something other than missionary-doggy-style-missionary-sleep, here are eight ways to avoid getting bored without being that one friend who fucks a new guy off Bumble every day of the week. We’re not slut shaming, we’re just saying…
1. Try New Positions
Think about the hookups you’ve had in the past six months. Do you go for the same positions over and over again? Missionary has a reputation for being vanilla AF, but even
inexplicable and gross kinky positions like the rusty trombone get old if you do them six times a week. (But seriously, don’t try the rusty trombone. Don’t even look it up on Urban Dictionary. You have been warned.) Unless you want to have the same sex life as a middle-aged couple, don’t get stuck doing the same positions over and over again just because they work. It’s like that time you were obsessed with Pilates—first, it was awesome and you felt fucking amazing. Six weeks later, you wanted to choke out the instructor just to silence her peppy voice, and not in a sexy way. I’m not saying that you have to turn into a walking Cosmo article or anything, but throwing a little reverse cowgirl into your routine never hurt anybody. Well, except for the fact that reverse cowgirl is responsible for over half of all penile fractures but like, whatever. Just be careful, I guess? Break hearts, not dicks.
2. Have Morning Sex
Waking up anytime before 12pm honestly feels like a human rights violation so I totally understand if you did a spit-take just now, but hear me out. One of the easiest (read: laziest) ways to add variety to your sex life is by switching up the time of day. Try setting your alarms earlier—be honeset with yourself, you only need to set it like 10 minutes early. Also maybe keep some mints near the bed to combat any aggressive morning breath situations that might occur. Morning sex is basically like a mini-morning workout, without any of the having to get up early and shower and get to the gym that usually comes along with it. As we all know, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Meaning just one or two sessions of morning sex will make you far less likely to kill your husband in the future/kill your annoyingly peppy coworker who wishes you “happy Wednesday.”
3. Set A Time Limit
Type A betches, this one’s for you. If your dude finishes sex way too fast (tragic), try
dumping him setting a minimum time limit to slow stuff down. This will probably mean incorporating more foreplay, oral, vibrator type stuff into your bedroom routine, which never hurt anybody. Well, except the 2,500 people who went to the hospital in 2012 for sex-toy related injuries. But that’s kind of on them. And 50 Shades of Grey. If, on the other hand, you always end up late for things because you and your SO get caught up in marathon sex, good for you—but also try for a quickie to shake things up. Plus, your skin will be all glowy when you get to brunch on time for once.
4. Have Sex In A Different (Not Public) Place
This is another lazy betch tip: Have sex in different place than normal. Like in Big Little Lies when Renata and her weird husband have sex in the bathroom and she’s happy for approximately 30 minutes. And besides, it’s honestly more work to move from the living room floor to the bedroom anyway, so you’re doing yourself a favor here. Just pause the Netflix, go at it, and resume. No need to change locales. But please—don’t have sex somewhere gross like your parents’ bed or anyone else’s bed or anywhere public because that shit can get you arrested, and we don’t want to be responsible for that because we’re not posting your bail.
5. Fantasize Like You’re Bored At School
You might feel like a sex pro at this point in your life, but that’s not actually true unless you’re a literal professional. In which case, what are you even doing here? Basically, there’s a bunch of stuff you’re probably still curious about, so start paying attention to your sexual fantasies and notice what themes come up often. You’re smart—if you like to daydream about hooking up with a blindfolded Jesse Williams, you can figure out a way to incorporate that into your sex life (minus the actual presence of Dr. Avery, unforunately). If you’re feeling a little starved for ideas, here’s a good place to start:
6. Get Dressed Up
I think we all know the power a simple wardrobe change can have on our level of attractiveness. Who doesn’t feel sexier when they’re wearing makeup and lingerie? I’m the first person to support wearing yoga pants 24/7, but we all have to admit they’re not exactly a turn-on. Pick a random day to get all dressed up and seduce your SO with the element of surprise. Even Forever 21 sells lingerie now (I would know, I was there yesterday), so don’t try to hit me with the “help me, I’m poor” excuse.
7. Get Your Man To Dress Up
Dressing up is a two-way street. It’s, like, the rules of feminism that if you’re willing to smell nice and put on fancy lingerie, so can your SO. Maybe not the lingerie part (again, unless you’re into that), but if he’s always wearing cargo shorts and Sperry’s, he can’t actually expect anyone to be attracted to him. If he doesn’t know that, someone has to be brutally honest with him sooner or later, and you’re just the woman for the job. Tell him that if he doesn’t leave the house right now, rent at tux, and pretend to be your Gatsby then you’re just going to open up your Instagram DM’s and hit up the first guy in there. JK, don’t do that. But you know what we mean.
8. Use Sex Toys
If you don’t already own at least one sex toy, ask yourself: why? You spend all this time pampering your face, hair, and nails, why not set aside a little extra dough to pamper your platinum vagine? There are literally so many different types of sex toys that there’s no reason you can’t try at least one. You don’t have to go straight to pegging your BF; you can keep it casual. All you need is a vibrator and like 10-15 minutes of alone time to figure out what works. At the very least, you’ll no longer need a man who actually knows where the clitoris is in order to have a satisfying sex life— you’ll be the leading world expert in getting yourself off. If only that was the kind of skill you could put on your resume.
Honestly, it’s not hard to keep sex interesting as long as you actually try to switch things up. But don’t blame me if any of this stuff doesn’t work—you’re the one who’s getting sex tips from someone on the internet. As cool as it would be, I’m not a sexual psychic (yet).
The video for the song no one asked for is finally here! I’m talking about the moody rollercoaster from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack, “I Don’t Want To Live Forever.” A song that supposedly took only a week to make now has an accompanying video that looks like it was put together in 30 minutes. Makes sense.
If for some reason you want to copy faux underdog-turned-model-hoarder-turned-reptile,Taylor Alison Swift, or are just interested in emanating the same desperate kind of vibe, then today’s your lucky day. Because much like her response to that leaked Kanye footage (which she copied and pasted directly from her publicist) Tay’s makeup is really not hard to replicate at all.
According to makeup artist Pat McGrath’s Instagram, the specific lip color combo on Taylor’s lips is Pat McGrath’s Lab Lust in 004. Unfortunately, it’s sold out. But, you can still get the look.
Start with a liquid lipstick in dark red, like Anastasia Beverly Hills Liquid Lipstick in Vamp.
Then, mix an adhesive like this one with some glitter. MAC Reflects Blackened Red Glitter should do the trick. Then, put it on your lips. Then, call all of your ex boyfriends and ask if they want to get back together with you and when they say no, burst into flames.
Really all you need for this is a shit ton of eyeliner and false lashes and a false sense of superiority. Try the classic style from Huda Beauty to get a similar effect:
If you’re feeling wild and like you might want to date a man who would wear a tank top with your initials on it, you can dust a taupe matte in your creases. Bobbi Brown’s shadow in Taupe is legit.
As for how to replicate the rest of her psycho vibe?
And whatever TF this hair twirl thing is? Is it supposed to be sexy and/or sexual? TBD.
I have no idea. But, I do want to point out that in this video, Taylor’s plucking white roses. Guess who else once gave her a ton of white roses.
She might not want to live forever, but she sure as fuck will hold a grudge until the day she dies.