It’s that time of year again! We’re gathering during a global pandemic to celebrate the creation of one singular country that’s never equally valued its inhabitants!
Things haven’t been ideal for a while—dating apps are free but Photoshop costs money, our infrastructure is literally falling apart, and buying a house involves….paying way more than the house is worth as an offering to the house gods who may still reject you?! Feels like a scam. But you want to be around people while making it clear you don’t want to be around people for America.
Don’t be a party pooper, though. We just really need this after a year indoors, on Zoom, with our sh*tty roommates. And you know you love to party more than you hate it here! So ignore the current sociopolitical climate and the fact that the United States hasn’t been tolerant… ever (and intermittent quality doesn’t make up for overall lacklusterness!), and down these 4th of July spirits to forget you have no 4th of July spirit!
Watermelon Blueberry Cool-Your-Nerves-About-Being-Around-More-Than-Two-People-In-a-Semi-Enclosed-Space-Oh-God
It’s been a while since you’ve been around this many people. Forget about your social anxiety with some sweet watermelon mixed with blueberry vodka to calm down those red-hot nerves.
Red, White, and Blew It Protecting Your Financial Data Spritzer
Add a cute raspberry garnish to some white wine and voilà!—you’ll sip down so many of these delicious drinks you’ll forget Russia probably has all of your bank info because of poor government oversight!
Campari Basil Moderna Mojito
The subtle red, wide, and blue shades of this drink will help your memory lapse about last month’s Moderna side effects. We’re still in a global pandemic, in case you forgot.
Blueberry Daiquiri with Cherry Garnish (Your Wages)
That rent moratorium will end soon, and if you can’t pay your rent or the loan you’ll have to take out to pay the rent you can’t pay, then what? Restarting repayments on student loans is the fun, fruity cherry on top. Loan forgiveness? Never heard of her!
Layered Voter Suppression Shooter
One part grenadine (to make the redlining go down smoother), one part Blue Curacao (to highlight the bitterness of inequality), and vodka whipped cream on top (reppin’ white supremacy). This delicious 4th of July treat is meant to show you the layered nuances of our voting system, and then promptly put them out of your mind and down your throat hole.
Jell-O™ Shot Summer
They’re red. Or pink. Or whatever. Who even cares? Enough of these babies and you’ll forget not enough people are getting vaccinated and the Delta variant is spreading.
Blueberry Rosé Sorbet Wish We Had a Voting Day Holiday
Prepared correctly, this will probably turn out purple, but does that really matter? Representation is important—put a sparkler in it.
Berry Float-Your-Nurses Mimosas
With the Delta variant picking up speed, hospitals will float all available nurses to specialized COVID units! But why worry about that? Float your worries away with this frozen blend of berries and as much clear rum as your liver can take! Forget your immune system entirely!
Mix raspberry and blue raspberry syrup with pineapple vodka in a tall-ass glass and light the whole thing on fire. Light your backyard on fire. Light everything on fire. You hate it here.
This 4th of July, stay safe, stay sunburn free, and stay blacked out until the DOJ finishes sorting out Georgia!
The Fourth of July is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll be spending your long weekend in a darkened room with everyone’s favorite obligatory psychotic jackass, Logan Echolls. Thanks for saving me money on sunscreen, Hulu! But, if you’re not as antisocial as I am, I’m sure you’re prepared to get some sun, drink some cocktails, and force your sister to take 95 photos of you on a flamingo pool float until she gets your “perfect angle.” Hypothetically, of course! One of those photos—or if you’re really full of yourself photogenic, a few of those photos—will end up posted on Instagram in yet another attempt to convince your followers that you don’t spend your days looking at memes and obsessively emailing your therapist about the state of your life. I SEE YOU. Once you’ve got the photo, then comes the actual hard part: the caption. While you’re tipsy on frosé and freedom, you might be tempted to throw out a basic bitch 4th of July caption, and here’s where I have to beg you: PLEASE NO. My heart can’t handle any more of them. Plus, I have faith you’re all more creative than that. And if you don’t know what I mean, I’ve conveniently come up with a list of the basic 4th of July captions to avoid this year. You’re welcome.
1. Captions About Alcohol
If you’re over 21, or I guess, even if you’re under 21 and somehow not afraid of the wrath of your mother and the eternal judgement of your soul (just me?), you’re probably going to be enjoying a nice, cold glass of alcohol over the weekend. Congratulations! This is something many adult humans do. So, when you’re thinking about what you should caption that photo of you and your frozen margarita on the beach, there’s no need to say “Red, White, and Booze.” This isn’t original, and booze is not a color. There’s no need to say “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Alcoholism.” Alexander Hamilton would be ashamed of you. There’s no need to say, “Make America Drink Again.” Because my GOD if I’m not sick of puns using this phrase. And America has literally always been drinking! I mean, except for that brief time when there was prohibition, but I’m pretty sure I learned
from The Great Gatsby in history class that people were STILL drinking. So yeah, skip the 4th of July captions about booze, because it’s like florals for spring: groundbreaking.
^^ this is what red, white, and booze looks like
2. Patriotic Captions, Accompanied By A Thirst Trap
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no problem with you posting a thirst trap. However, there is an etiquette rule that I abide by when it comes to these photos (and honestly anything you post/say/do), which is this: if you’re going to do something, be transparent about your reasons for doing it. By this, I mean don’t obscure your desire for compliments on your hot bod by dragging America into this. There are plenty of captions that you can use to acknowledge that, yes, you look great, and yes, you want to be acknowledged for it. That’s why they invented “felt cute, might delete later idk.” I’ll even allow you to make a self-deprecating joke about eating a ton of pizza and hot dogs even when we all know that you haven’t consumed a single gram of saturated fat since 2011. But what I will not allow is this:
Hi Alyssa. You are very pretty, and your body is bangin’ (are the kids still saying bangin’ these days?). Great job. But can we please nix the 4th of July caption? Do not pretend you “dressed” like this for your friend’s backyard barbecue! Friends, I have no problem with nearly nude photos. I’m just asking if we must we drag America into it?
3. References To Fireworks And Pop Songs
Cool, you have a boyfriend. Cool, he’s wearing an American flag tank top. Cool, he just drank 13 PBRs and then lit a Roman candle in his hand. This does not mean that you can caption the photo “Baby, you’re a firework.” This does not mean you can caption the photo, “I see sparks fly whenever you smile.” This does mean you should call 911. And find a boyfriend who still has all 10 fingers.
4. Awful Hashtags
Shout-out to my coworker Conor, who reminded me of the prevalence of the hashtag #murica even though he claims he “is not like that.” Conor, I love you, but your Jersey Shore summer house and pastel pants beg to differ.
When I went to search #murica on Instagram, I was alarmed to find lots of posts about guns and not as many frat bros in American flag Chubbies as I expected. That was enlightening, and yes, I am calling the police. So unless you want to end up with a knock on your door from the local PD courtesy of little old me, I’d just stay away.
^^Just because Emily Blunt says it doesn’t mean you can
And those are the 4th of July captions to avoid. I hope you all have a happy and healthy holiday, and don’t take my advice because then it’ll give me something to make fun of!!
Images Giphy (4); miss_alyssaarce, arielwinter/Instagram
The 4th of July is almost here and we can practically taste the red, white, and blue Jell-O shots! (They’re sooo cute…until they come back up Thursday morning.) The point is, you only have two days left to put together a perfect holiday-appropriate outfit for
getting blackout at a BBQ celebrating America’s independence. And, with such a difficult task ahead, it’s easy to fixate all of your energy on baking a Pinterest-inspired American flag cake, instead of on your (more important) 4th of July ensemble. Inevitably though, the 4th of July will be here, and you’ll be left with your dumb cake and nothing to wear. I mean, it’s possible that in your frantic desperation you’ll resort to a $5 Old Navy graphic tee. GASP! No one is going to give a shit about your pretty flag cake if you show up in a T-shirt that features a golden retriever holding an American flag in its mouth. NOT OKAY. Therefore, since we’re now less than two days away, it’s time to put down the oven mitts and start planning. And what better way to decide what to wear than by consulting the stars and shit? This is what your 4th of July outfit should be, based on your zodiac sign.
Just like your personality, your 4th of July outfit should be adventurous and spontaneous. There’s no telling where your impulsiveness will take you this holiday, so it’s best to be prepared. Whether you end up shoving four hotdogs down your throat or suggesting a round of body shots (calm down, Aries, we’re at a family party) your 4th of July outfit needs to be on par with your spirited personality. Therefore, your fiery self should opt for a festive one piece that can also function as a bodysuit. This way, you’re totally prepared to dive into the pool the second someone suggests a round of Marco Polo!
Ralph Lauren USA High Leg one piece suit
Y’all are into luxury, so it’s no surprise that when it comes to fashion you’re into quality investment pieces. This 4th of July, in your true nature, be sure to stay away from the gaudy American flag attire at your local Walmart and instead opt for something more practical. Your best bet is to purchase a classic striped button-down. A striped button-down is a stylish wardrobe staple that can be worn time and time again. Fingers crossed no drunk bitches spill their drink on your new investment piece!
RAILS Sloane button down
Gemini, you’re a risk taker. And, after a few too many shots this 4th, I guarantee you’ll be feeling risky and frisky. You’ll most likely make a move on the one kinda cute cater waiter at the party. So, since you’ll def be embarrassing yourself, you’ll want to make sure that you look as hot as possible while doing so. Look cute and flirty in this spicy red romper and hey, at the very least, maybe your new cater waiter friend will help you pocket some leftovers! Imagine how pumped you’d be to find those pigs-in-a-blanket at 2am! I love America!
Free People She Can Shimmy skort romper
Your style is traditional and feminine, and your 4th of July outfit is no exception. The eyelet and ruffle details on this dress guarantee that you’ll maintain your sweet image even as you begin drunkenly sobbing at the party. Like, it’s hard to be an emotional and sensitive Cancer in today’s world where Selena and Justin just can’t seem to make it work. Like, how could Justin be with Hailey rn? And like, what’s poor Selena up to this holiday? Should someone call her??? She’s never been the most stable, smh.
BB Dakota x Revolve Run Free dress
Your confident, badass self will want to be noticed this 4th of July, and trust me, you definitely will be. Go ahead, steal the show in your American flag bikini, Leo—Betsy Ross would be proud. Wear this star print suit from Free People, which is a lot less tacky than the traditional American flag bikini you’d find on the Jersey Shore boardwalk for $20. To help disguise your true thirst trap intentions, make the suit more “cute” by wearing shortalls and fun red sunnies.
The Carrera bikini top and The Soho Brief Printed Bikini Bottom
Okay, Virgo, can we at least try to have some fun this holiday?! You’re off the clock, so it’s time to let go of your perfectionist ways and shotgun some beers! Okay, pushing it a bit, fine. This 4th, your minimalist and perfectly tailored style mean that your ideal outfit is a white button-down paired with distressed cutoffs or a denim skirt. Maybe even consider adding an American flag scrunchie for a touch of holiday-appropriate zest?
Sanctuary Mod Short Sleeve Boyfriend shirt
Glossy and polished, you show up to every social gathering looking 100x better than everyone else. You love a harmonious aesthetic, and this holiday, your go-to look is an all-white ensemble. Wear a white tube top with white high-waisted jeans for the perfect monochromatic look. Of course, you are the great balancer, so unfortunately, you’ll probs spend the majority of the party making peace between your two drunken besties. Sorry about your shitty 4th but at least you look good!!
Hudson Barbra Hi Rise white jean
You’re the girl who shows up to the party already blacked out, yet everyone thinks is sober. Your secretive nature means you somehow look put-together 24/7 so even when blacked out, you’ll look fire in this matching set. You could care less what other people think so you’ll have no problem showing off your rockin’ bod, no matter how uncomfortable the old folks get.
BB Dakota x Revolve Young Hearts top and Front Row skirt
Your energetic vibe means you’re super enthusiastic to celebrate the 4th of July holiday. You’ll probs be drunk from the moment you wake up to the moment you pass out because you’re just that enthusiastic. This holiday-colored jumpsuit is the perfect combination of feminine and fun and will be perfect for your all-day drinking affair. You know what they say, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning!
UO Raven Plunging Halter jumpsuit
Capricorns are all about comfort, all the time. You love simple and sophisticated, which means this navy maxi dress is the ideal 4th of July outfit for you. Embrace the old school glamour you love and release your inner T-Swift by pairing this dress with a bold red lip. Although, regardless of how much you look the part, you’re still not in Taylor’s #girlsquad. So like, don’t even think about showing up to her infamous 4th of July party.
Anthropologie Brisbane maxi dress
Independent and free-spirited, this holiday was made for you, Aquarius! Show your American pride and holiday spirit by wearing a cool cropped graphic USA tee. Let’s just hope and pray that your curious and experimental nature doesn’t result in you attempting to play bartender. I know you want to make the world a better place and all, but mixing every alcohol together isn’t going to make that happen. At least not in the long run.
Brandy Melville Aleena USA top
You love whimsical and breezy, and therefore need this navy and red striped skirt in order to properly celebrate this 4th of July, Pisces. Just add a few cocktails to your already dreamy nature and I’m sure you’ll be as easy and breezy as they come! Just keep the drinks flowin’ as free as our flag, baby!
Free People Luna Stripe Skirt
Images: @jtylernix / Unsplash; South Moon Under (2); Shopbop; Revolve (3); Free People (3); Anthropologie; Brandy Melville; Urban Outfitters
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
How you spend the Fourth of July says a lot about you. How you Instagram how you spent the Fourth of July says even more. Whether you’re planning to show off the cherry pie you baked, the bikini body you spent all winter dying for, or you simply want to remind the world that you still drink like a sophomore in college, there are a few overdone photos you should steer clear of. Just warning you, if you post one of these overdone July 4th Instagrams, I probably will like it, but I will also screenshot it and send it to my group chat. (Did you even talk shit about someone’s Instagram post in the group chat if the screenshot doesn’t clearly indicate that you liked it anyway?)
1. Photo Of You In Red, White, & Blue Clothes Next To A Plant In Your Yard
I mean, we’ve all been there. Everyone understands the struggle of overdressing for a holiday, and then actually just sitting around eating pasta salad at a family barbecue. You can redeem the day with a dope Instagram; you just can’t do it in front of some mediocre shrubbery in the backyard.
2. Posing On Or Near A Unicorn Float
Unicorn floats are so 2017, which means we can expect to see basics posing with them for at least the next two summers. For those of you who aren’t good at math, this makes the unicorn float Instagram one of the most overdone July 4th Instagrams you could possibly post this year. General rule of thumb: If you’re going to recreate a Kendall Jenner Instagram, your window of opportunity is as narrow as two weeks.
3. Hanging On A Boat In An American Flag Bikini
Speaking of classics that aren’t getting stale… if you’re planning on posting a photo of yourself on a boat with your buttcheeks squeezing out of an American Flag bikini, you might want to reevaluate. Tomi Lahren kind of spoiled this one for all of us.
4. A Sparklers Boomerang
I believe that the creation of Boomerang technology was probably intended for the purpose of girls posting quick, looped videos of themselves holding sparklers on July 4th. Some may argue that this is a classic, but I’m here to tell you that it’s overdone.
5. Using Babies As Props
Unless it’s an extremely cute baby, using a small human as an Instagram prop is not a viable option. If you really insist on being that girl who has to post with “the cutest niece/nephew in the whole wide world!!” at least have the decency to step away from the picnic table for the photo. Why do people think that having a baby in the frame makes up for the fact that the photo is not aesthetically pleasing? It doesn’t. You can do better. And also, why is everyone these days so obsessed with their nieces and nephews? They’re not even your spawn. I don’t get it.
Images: Giphy (3)
Whether you spent your long weekend taking poolside tequila shots or eating lobster rolls while scouting out the underwhelming crowd at Gurney’s, you currently feel like shit. I mean, it makes sense. When you start drinking vodka out of a water bottle on the LIRR Friday afternoon and don’t stop until late Tuesday night, you can expect to feel pretty shitty for a few days afterwards. Fourth of July was a sick time and you got 200 likes on your American flag bikini Insta, but now you’re getting back to reality and it’s time to get your body back on track. Here’s how to recover from your Fourth of July drinking bender.
1. Cut The Salt, Chug The Water
You might notice that aside from being colossally hungover and in need of a new phone and/or Snapchat identity, you’re also bloated as fuck. I mean, the amount of sodium and empty calories in your beer and hot dog intake is probably the reason, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. By cutting out salty foods this week and drinking as much water as you can, you’ll start flushing unwanted toxins out of your body and you’ll slowly notice yourself getting less bloated by the day. I mean, your food might be bland and your bathroom runs might increase, but it’s worth it. We saw you at that buffet when everyone else was watching the fireworks. You had your fun.
2. Get A Good Night’s Sleep
Another reason for feeling so gross is lack of sleep. I mean, there’s no chance you got your recommended 7-9 hours per night when you were drunk-eating a family size bag of Doritos after the club at 4am, so don’t pretend you’re on a normal sleep cycle. Take this week to actually get into bed at a reasonable hour, put your phone away, and go the fuck to sleep. Also, many studies show that lack of sleep makes your body crave junk food, so you’ll actually make healthier food choices during the day when you get more sleep at night. Can’t argue with that.
3. Do A HIIT Workout
We totally get that you don’t want to drag your hungover body out of bed to make it to the gym, but doing a quick HIIT workout at home will actually make you feel (and look) a lot better. High intensity interval training raises your heart rate in short intervals, so your body is actually burning calories during the workout and afterwards. The science behind it is called EPOC, and it’s basically about how when your body works super hard for a short amount of time, then your body has to restore oxygen for up to 24 hours afterwards. Studies have proven that even a 15- or 20-minute workout will do the trick, so I’d start now if I were you.
4. Eat Real Meals
This might sound stupid, but simply eating real meals with whole foods will help your body recover from the damage you’ve done to it this weekend. Your body is used to eating substantial meals, so when you put it through 3-5 days of vodka for breakfast and rosé for dinner, it might be a bit confused. Focus on eating real meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you’ll automatically start feeling better. Also make sure those meals aren’t coming from a frozen box or like, a McDonald’s dollar menu.
5. Be (Slightly) Less Social
We’re not telling you to cancel plans every night this week, but if you’re still feeling nauseous and bloated from this weekend, it’s probably not the best week for happy hour and late-night dinners every night. Staying on track when you’re out is hard enough, so adding a pitcher of sangria and three bowls of tortilla chips in the mix is just not helping your case. The happy hour frosé and unlimited guac bowls will still be available all summer, so take these few nights to cook for yourself and relax alc-free. Like, if Martha Stewart could do it for five months, you can do it for a week, but if you HAVE to drink, we stand by our BBQ advice and say just have everything on the rocks. Meaning no vodka sodas, yes vodka on the rocks with a fuck ton of limes—that way there’s no carbonated sodas to bloat you even further. And if you’re going to drink, drink a TON of water too. Sounds less fun, probs not worth it, but that’s for you to decide.
6. Get Your Hands On Some Ginger
Whether you’re taking a wellness shot with ginger and cayenne, or just ordering an extra side of ginger with your rice-less sushi roll, a little ginger goes a long way with healing bloating, nausea, and inflammation. It might not taste as good as the red wine you’ve been chugging all weekend, but it’ll seriously help you out and you’ll thank us when you feel like a human again. I mean, we know this info literally goes down the drain once you’re ready to rally again next weekend, but try to get some ginger in your system before you buy your liver its goodbye gift.
Read: How To Detox From Your Fourth Of July Blackout
Listen up, heathens. Whether you really give a shit about Independence Day or not, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the
excuses for day drinking celebrations are over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this past weekend. Fortunately, you have a month or two to recover before the next big binge-drinking event that marks the end of summer—Labor Day parties. Seize this opportunity to cleanse and restore your body from all the shit you put it through this past weekend
before you inevitably fuck it up again next weekend.
How, you ask? Follow the advice you found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this July 4th.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replenish Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it—you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc. (That last one was a test—send me the names of anyone who can stomach clams when they’re hungover and I’m calling the police on them.)
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone (Debra in accounting) in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Some Asparagus
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Soda
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.
If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.
This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.
-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka
-1 oz. sliced strawberries
-3 oz. spiked seltzer
-2 oz. coconut water
Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
Explosion For America
-¾ oz grenadine
-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao
-1 ½ oz vodka
-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)
Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.
The Fourth of July is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along in the dead of summer, when the weather is beautiful but I’m still trapped indoors at my 9-to-5 and need to be reminded of my will to live. Preferrably through shots. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to
black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is probably going to be sweltering hot this weekend, I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and be drinking on a packed, sweaty rooftop somewhere in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and black out in on this Fourth of July because, IDK, freedom or something.
1. Mr. Purple (LES)
Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel that I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself on being a person that
is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.
2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)
If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around (gags) while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it.
3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)
This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned.
4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)
I know what you’re thinking, the Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to
make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one-hundred-percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring herself for Instagram ads.
5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)
Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders* BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over Independence Day. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.
6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)
I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your July 4th plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.
Hipster: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels or capitalism*
7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)
This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.
8. The Delancey (LES)
Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting
poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.
^literally me last Saturday
This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life.