The Fourth of July is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll be spending your long weekend in a darkened room with everyone’s favorite obligatory psychotic jackass, Logan Echolls. Thanks for saving me money on sunscreen, Hulu! But, if you’re not as antisocial as I am, I’m sure you’re prepared to get some sun, drink some cocktails, and force your sister to take 95 photos of you on a flamingo pool float until she gets your “perfect angle.” Hypothetically, of course! One of those photos—or if you’re really full of yourself photogenic, a few of those photos—will end up posted on Instagram in yet another attempt to convince your followers that you don’t spend your days looking at memes and obsessively emailing your therapist about the state of your life. I SEE YOU. Once you’ve got the photo, then comes the actual hard part: the caption. While you’re tipsy on frosé and freedom, you might be tempted to throw out a basic bitch 4th of July caption, and here’s where I have to beg you: PLEASE NO. My heart can’t handle any more of them. Plus, I have faith you’re all more creative than that. And if you don’t know what I mean, I’ve conveniently come up with a list of the basic 4th of July captions to avoid this year. You’re welcome.
1. Captions About Alcohol
If you’re over 21, or I guess, even if you’re under 21 and somehow not afraid of the wrath of your mother and the eternal judgement of your soul (just me?), you’re probably going to be enjoying a nice, cold glass of alcohol over the weekend. Congratulations! This is something many adult humans do. So, when you’re thinking about what you should caption that photo of you and your frozen margarita on the beach, there’s no need to say “Red, White, and Booze.” This isn’t original, and booze is not a color. There’s no need to say “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Alcoholism.” Alexander Hamilton would be ashamed of you. There’s no need to say, “Make America Drink Again.” Because my GOD if I’m not sick of puns using this phrase. And America has literally always been drinking! I mean, except for that brief time when there was prohibition, but I’m pretty sure I learned
from The Great Gatsby in history class that people were STILL drinking. So yeah, skip the 4th of July captions about booze, because it’s like florals for spring: groundbreaking.
^^ this is what red, white, and booze looks like
2. Patriotic Captions, Accompanied By A Thirst Trap
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no problem with you posting a thirst trap. However, there is an etiquette rule that I abide by when it comes to these photos (and honestly anything you post/say/do), which is this: if you’re going to do something, be transparent about your reasons for doing it. By this, I mean don’t obscure your desire for compliments on your hot bod by dragging America into this. There are plenty of captions that you can use to acknowledge that, yes, you look great, and yes, you want to be acknowledged for it. That’s why they invented “felt cute, might delete later idk.” I’ll even allow you to make a self-deprecating joke about eating a ton of pizza and hot dogs even when we all know that you haven’t consumed a single gram of saturated fat since 2011. But what I will not allow is this:
Hi Alyssa. You are very pretty, and your body is bangin’ (are the kids still saying bangin’ these days?). Great job. But can we please nix the 4th of July caption? Do not pretend you “dressed” like this for your friend’s backyard barbecue! Friends, I have no problem with nearly nude photos. I’m just asking if we must we drag America into it?
3. References To Fireworks And Pop Songs
Cool, you have a boyfriend. Cool, he’s wearing an American flag tank top. Cool, he just drank 13 PBRs and then lit a Roman candle in his hand. This does not mean that you can caption the photo “Baby, you’re a firework.” This does not mean you can caption the photo, “I see sparks fly whenever you smile.” This does mean you should call 911. And find a boyfriend who still has all 10 fingers.
4. Awful Hashtags
Shout-out to my coworker Conor, who reminded me of the prevalence of the hashtag #murica even though he claims he “is not like that.” Conor, I love you, but your Jersey Shore summer house and pastel pants beg to differ.
When I went to search #murica on Instagram, I was alarmed to find lots of posts about guns and not as many frat bros in American flag Chubbies as I expected. That was enlightening, and yes, I am calling the police. So unless you want to end up with a knock on your door from the local PD courtesy of little old me, I’d just stay away.
^^Just because Emily Blunt says it doesn’t mean you can
And those are the 4th of July captions to avoid. I hope you all have a happy and healthy holiday, and don’t take my advice because then it’ll give me something to make fun of!!
Images Giphy (4); miss_alyssaarce, arielwinter/Instagram