Once upon a time (re: all 2020), the idea of having plans—any plans—seemed like a dream. After spending every second inside, simple errands like going to the grocery store or picking up a prescription became an event. Now that you’re vaxxed and the CDC says leaving your house is like, kinda okay, you’re faced with a dilemma you never thought you’d be in again: canceling plans you have no intention of showing up to. Maybe you wanted to go out but now you’re in your comfy clothes and can’t fathom putting on heels, or perhaps the thought of listening to your friends talk about work sounds like, well, work. Whatever it is, you’re in the market for a “get out of plans” excuse, and luckily, your answer has been written in the stars.
Whether you’re a perpetual bailer (shame) or this is your first time (awww!), your astrological sign already knows how this is going to go down. Whether you tell the truth about wanting to stay home, lie through your teeth, or destroy your friendships to avoid having to say “I don’t want to go to brunch,” your zodiac sign is very telling of how you’ll get out of your commitments. Does that make you less of a piece of sh*t? No. But hey, at least this way it’s not your fault you suck! You can blame it on the universe!
Aries
Doesn’t it blow that you were the one who made these plans? You were the one who literally begged everyone to keep their Friday night open so you could all chug margs and talk sh*t about the Aquarius in your group, and now you’re just kinda not feeling it? Even though you’re basically the leader of your group (duh), it’s kinda exhausting having to be the fun one all the time, right? Luckily for you, you have the easiest excuse to get out of plans in the entire zodiac: You’re the ringleader, and you’re usually the one pulling the strings, so yeah, you deserve to bail. Be honest, upfront, and tell everyone you’re exhausted/sick/not feeling like hanging tonight. They’ll give you sh*t, but you kinda DGAF. Plus, it’s nice to leave the peasants wanting more, right?
Taurus
Whether or not you actually wanted to be a part of these plans when they were made (uh, spoiler: you didn’t), you’re now absolutely not on board. I’m sorry, a club/brunch/shopping? In this humidity? Granted, the fact that you’ve been stressing about canceling for two days is making everything worse, but it doesn’t matter. You absolutely cannot and will not go. Unless, of course, you think everyone will be mad at you. Do you think they’ll be mad at you? They won’t… right? F*ck. Now’s the perfect time to play the “I’m not drinking/on a diet/on a budget” card and avoid any attempts by your friends to create new plans that will fit into your new strict, sober, vegan, spending-zero-cash lifestyle. It’s not your fault, they just don’t understand. *Sigh*
Gemini
Gemini! I truly wasn’t expecting to see you here. Welcome! Have you ever canceled a plan? I mean, I know you think about it. Like, all the time. You literally fantasize about bailing on pretty much everything. But actually doing it? That’s a different story. While you tend to dread events you don’t want to go to, by the time you’re there (and okay, two shots in), you’re the life of the GD party. It’s kind of cute that you think this time will be different, TBH. As much as you want to, you know you’re not doing to ditch—the FOMO is far too real for you. Might as well start heating up your curler, baby. Because you’re going out tonight, whether you like it or not.
Cancer
You honestly can’t decide if you want to go out, and that’s why canceling plans is so tricky for Cancers. On one hand, the thought of getting dressed and getting drunk with your frenemies sounds kind of dreadful. But on the other hand, not doing that also sounds kind of dreadful. So no matter what you do, you’re going to have a mediocre time at best. Yay for overthinking! You’re no stranger to bailing on plans, so why don’t you just do what you always do: blame your cancelation on something petty, like feeling bloated, or the fact that Jessica (who is definitely going to be there because she already posted that she was in the Uber) didn’t like your recent picture, and honestly? Rude. You just aren’t up for that kind of hostility tonight.
Leo
You’re dressed. You’re wearing falsies. You’re already three vodka sodas in. And yet, for some reason, you’re not feeling that usual tingle in your vagina that says “I’m going to have a f*cking blast tonight.” Granted, you’re not one to cancel plans—and you’re the first to give anyone who tries major sh*t—but like, does going out even sound that good? Luckily, since you’re usually the one calling the shots (and buying them), it’s simple to be like, “Sorry guys, I have a headache. Have fun,” and turn off notifications for the rest of the night. Sure, everyone will bad mouth you behind your back, but that’s only because without you, your friends will be buying their own drinks and going home by 10pm. Enjoy your night off, Leo. You earned it.
Virgo
Dreading the drunk plans you made last week that are looming ahead, Virgo? That checks out. Even though you love having people depend on you, you could really do with a night off. The problem is, you were the one who made the reservations. And created the dress code for the evening. Annnnnd sent out the itinerary. You know if you bail, your perfectly envisioned night of bar hopping will turn into your idiot friends going to the same bar they always hit up and drunk crying in the corner. But why is that your fault? You’ve spent so long planning for this night, now that it’s here you’re kind of over it. Either fake a stomach bug or go along with the night, moping on the dance floor when half the people show up sans costume and take a cab home by 11. Either way, you’re in for an obnoxious evening.
Libra
You’re not one to back out of plans. Seriously, you’re not. You hate those people who just like, disappear when they start dating someone new and bible, you’d never do that. And you mean it! And even though you swiped with a 10 while you were getting ready and he asked you out at the same time you were supposed to meet your friends, that doesn’t mean you’re going to bail on your girls just to get laid. Honestly, anyone who does that is THE worst. *Phone buzzes* Awww he said you look beautiful. I mean duh, you do. But that was nice of him to—*phone buzzes.* Oh my God, he’s so funny. Maybe you’ll just see him for a drink like, after? *Phone buzzes.* He has a Tesla? *Phone buzzes* And he’s on his way to see you. Sh*t. Well, your friends will understand, right? I mean, this could be ~the one.~ I know, I know… you said that about the guy with the beard last month, but this time is different.
Scorpio
Aww, Scorpio! This isn’t your first time canceling plans, but it is your first time actually thinking through the decision. More often than not you just pick a fight to get out of something or blatantly ignore what you were supposed to do in an effort to avoid going to coffee with your new internet friend. So, the fact that you’re even thinking through this decision is like, very big of you. Congrats! I mean, you probably already canceled your plans by saying something like “hungover,” “feeling ugly,” or “I hate you,” but still. Good on you for thinking of others!
Sagittarius
How does a Sag cancel plans? They just don’t commit in the first place! You’re not a piece of sh*t on purpose, but what do people expect? You to just agree to go to something when you don’t know how you’ll feel, if you’ll want to go, or if something better will come along? Pshhh, as if. While you’re not one to commit to anything, if you do RSVP yes and change your mind last-minute (which you will, obviously), you’ll just pretend your phone broke, your car wouldn’t start, or you suddenly came down with a serious case of sobriety. Next time, just remember: If you never agree to anything, you’ll never have to lie your way out of it.
Capricorn
Your friends know you to be the definition of driven, which is why you have the perfect excuse to get out of plans: Goal chasing, baby. Since you’re already the one in your group who got a promotion, snagged a #SponCon, discovered an ab, and got verified on social, it’s not surprising if you blow off a happy hour to “get some work done.” Whether you say you got called into the office, received a last-minute assignment, or have a meeting you just have to take with a *top secret* marketing firm, no one will think twice when you bail for the sake of your own success (even though it’s only because they all want to mooch off you). That fact that you’ll ~actually~ be at home, smoking weed and masturbating to Bridgerton can stay between you and me.
Aquarius
As one of the Queens of Canceling on Plans, you’ve got bailing down to an art form. You don’t need me to tell you how to do it, because honestly? You’re basically a pro. From claiming a family emergency and tagging yourself at a hospital to saying you have a last-minute work project and staying logged into Slack all day, you’re no stranger to creating excuses to get out of sh*t. So, put your feet up, let everyone know your cat is sick, and enjoy a night off with Netflix and not wearing heels. Your friends probably don’t even know you’re allergic to cats anyway, let alone that you don’t have one.
Pisces
If there’s one sign that has a hard time following through with bailing on plans, it’s Pisces. No matter how many times you say you just want to stay home, you don’t want to spend money, or you have work in the morning, no one really cares—they’ll all just yell at you until you order an Uber for the entire group. While sure, you could just like, try to say no, will you actually stick with it, or will you find yourself at a club at 2am nursing a watered-down vodka and trying not to think about the fact that you have to wake up in four hours? The only way for you to successfully get out of sh*t is to color your hair, fake your own death, and flee to another country. That way, you’ll get at least a few years before another plan comes along, and you’ll start the cycle all over again. But it’s that or standing your ground and honestly, running away just sounds easier.
Images: HOMME PRODUCTIONS / Stocksy.com Giphy (12)
2020 was a difficult year for relationships, to say the least. If you started out single, 2020 meant trying to figure out dating from a distance, while those in relationships got to play a year-long game of “how much do I actually like this person?” Either way, many of us are going into 2021 in repair mode, but luckily the stars have just the right prescription for each of us to make the best of our love lives in 2021. Thank you stars!
Aries
If last year found you in a romantic rut, don’t worry, you’re in good company. Whether it be embarking on a new relationship or reinvigorating the one you’ve got, 2021 will be about asserting yourself in relationships, and not bringing 2020’s baggage into 2021. Things will get particularly steamy around spring, when more people are vaccinated meeting new people will come more naturally.
Taurus
That sh*t you tried to ignore all of 2020 because you literally couldn’t deal with any relationship drama right now? It’s getting dealt with in 2021. Problems you avoided last year are only getting magnified once the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve. Strong relationships will make it through, and weak ones will be shown the door. May the odds be ever in your favor!
Gemini
No matter what your relationship status is going into 2021, this year you have the opportunity to really build something that lasts. All the things you learned during 2020 have made you a better partner, and now all you have to do is go out there and make someone fall in love with you. Like the Beast after Belle shows up at the castle.
Cancer
If 2020 was The Real Housewives (drama, tears, yelling) for your love life, 2021 will be Great British Bake Off (gentle, comfy, lots of baked goods). As 2020’s dust settles, you’ll find yourself way more secure in your romantic situation, and confident enough to make new connections. Who says you can’t meet the one via intense masked eye contact?
Leo
2021 is going to make you want to shake up your relationships, whether they warrant shaking up or not. Just like 2020 tested all of our ability to , 2021 will have you wanting to test your partner’s ability to weather the storm. It’s like Marilyn Monroe said, if they can’t handle you at your “starting a fight in the car just because,” they don’t deserve you at your “sharing part of your takeout order even though they specifically said they weren’t hungry.”
Virgo
This is the year to re-evaluate some of your sky-high expectations. There’s a big difference between wanting someone who is gainfully employed, and wanting a neurosurgeon named David with one green eye and one blue. This year, allow relationships to spark in unlikely places. You’re not gonna be meeting someone at a bar anytime soon anyway.
Libra
Mars’ retrograde wreaked some major havoc on your love life last year (thanks Mars…), but now that it’s back in forward motion there’s no reason not to get yourself back out there. Pro tip: nobody really knows what they’re doing when it comes to dating right now, so there’s no reason to be afraid of a little awkwardness. (Translation: DM him.)
Scorpio
You’ve been warned, Scorpio. With Uranus, the planet of change, hanging out in your house of partnerships, your relationship status may be TBD very soon. Whatever that change is, use it as an opportunity to embrace something new, instead of spending all your time thinking about what was. You’re not really gonna be sitting around wishing it was 2020 again, are you?
Sagittarius
Major shake-ups are coming to your relationships next year as well, Sagittarius, so don’t get too comfortable. Toxic flings, dead-end relationships, and people saved in your phone as “DO NOT RESPOND” have got to go to make room for the healthy partnerships, functional adults, and people you can actually tell your friends about.
Capricorn
As Summer Roberts once said, it’s all about confidence, Capricorn, confidence. This is the year you learn your worth in relationships, and stop settling for people because they are “there” or “have antibodies.” By focusing on yourself and building your own self-worth, you’re gonna attract higher quality people to you, without having to do something drastic like setting your dating app radius to an entire continent.
Aquarius
Let’s face it, last year relationships were not at the top of your priority list. Those slots were reserved for higher pursuits, like trying to figure out what the f*ck is going on. This year, however, you’ll find yourself better able to form deeper connections, and maybe even realize someone close to you was the one all the long. Like that hot Postmate who always delivers right to your door…
Pisces
2021 is a *huge* year for your individuality, Pisces, meaning you might see your romantic relationships take a back seat. Partnered Pisces might find themselves with an increasing need for independence (makes sense after spending every waking second together for an entire year) while single Pisces might find themselves, *gasp*, actually enjoying their situation. You know who doesn’t share when your favorite donut place accidentally includes an extra glazed in your bag? Single people. Just think about it.
Images: Bart LaRue / Unsplash; Giphy (12)
